For me it's like, what's the big deal in hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands with someone you're not romantically involved with? Society acts like you can only do those things with a romantic partner, and makes it seem like those kinds of affection are not an option in friendships. That's the biggest clue that I'm aromantic, and that I want to be in a QPR.
I am a allosexual and I was just questioning the same thing: "Why do I want a relationship so bad? Why do everyone want it? Where does this come from?". Because, for real, I just wish I was ace/aro. I feel so lonely from not having a relationship. I was questioning how much cultural norms have part in this".
Adding on. This is so true and I find it very sad. It implies that a friendship is on a lower, inferior level to a romantic relationship which it isn’t.
So... Biggest sign I now see in myself was not understanding why non-compatible people in a relationship wouldn't just split up. Without romantic attraction, it seems just logical that you wouldn't want to be with someone whose personality, core values, life goals, or habits don't correspond with yours. If they were just your friend, you'd probably not spend as much time with them since they may be fun to be around but don't quite mesh with you. Other signs for me included: - naturally drifting toward friends that either aren't in relationships or don't talk much about dating - extremely overthinking whether or not you've experience romantic attraction - not realizing that being close to a friend (especially one of the opposite gender) in public can make people think you're dating - being scared that a friend likes you when you have absolutely no feelings towards them (especially with fear that they won't want to be around you because you won't date them) - feeling extremely uncomfortable or upset when people around you are shipping you with your close friends - being scared that you're flirting when you have no idea how flirting works - not enjoying or just avoiding romantic literature, movies, etc. because you couldn't care less about the relationships So yeah.... turns out I'm just extremely aro ace! I was only missing 2 from this list.
mainly the being scared that you're flirting or: "wait- does it look like i like them? and doing everything i can to make it not look like that whilst keeping being friends (i make hardly any friends but when i do gender doesnt matter, but beeing a female a lot of my classmates are interested in truth or dare stuff) so yeah, though their questions are more rice purity test questions which... i am aro and allo/demi/gray (or maybe cupi but probs not) sexual so yeah i have 4 crossed off and man it aint going down cause people mostly want to date or keeping it at crushes at my age lol (its my birthday in 4 days, then i am turning 14 :))
And on the other hand, not understanding why people would want to split up based on pure feeling (of vanished romantic attraction) if they _are_ compatible in significantly many levels. This happened to me once, and it was extremely frustrating and confusing.
i'm now realizing that most of crushes were suggested by other people.. like: "ooooo do you like them :D" "huh. i guess so." this is really starting to click into place
I relate to that. The only time I had "crushes" was when people decided that I had a crush on this person. Not only that, but with people labeling themselves with these different sexual/romantic orientations, I always felt like I NEEDED to label myself as well because everybody else is doing it. That kind of mindset made me try to force myself to have a crush just so I could prove that yes, I have romantic feelings towards this person. No, no I did not lol.
One sign I was aromantic was when I came out as gay to a friend and then he asked me who do I have a crush on, and I was so confused because I didn't understand what does getting crushes have to do with this.
I not gay, I am maybe aromantic. But would you explain this to me? I am also confused about your experience, if your sexual orientation was not defined by your initial realization you liked someone of the same sex, how did you realize you were gay in the first place? 😮
@@Ek70R Keep in mind that sexual attraction is different from romantic attraction. One can know "Oh yeah, I think I kinda like this type of thing" without having feelings for a particular person. Personally, while I'm straight, I'm very much aromantic and those I find attractive are very much separate from anything in the realm of romantic aspirations.
@@TheEpicPancake Oh yes ok I understand. I am sorry maybe I was equating crushes with sexual attraction when crushes are actually all about romantic attraction right?
I feel like the coincidence of being “nice to people” and acting “flirty” and being aromantic has to do with us not choosing who to be nice to depending on who we are attracted to, we are simply “nice” to everyone.
I used to think that a crush was something you made a conscious choice about. I recently found an old diary and while skimming through the pages, I did find some pro/contra lists I made about potential crushes. Somehow the cons always seemed to outweigh the pros by a huge margin. So I figured I just hadn't met the right person yet. I realized, that I was aromantic (and that crushes don't work like this) when I was faced with someone being in love with me, who actually had way more pros than cons and the idea of getting into a relationship with said person was still utterly unappealing to me.
It took me a really long time to actually identify as aro. In large part, this is due to my age. As a teen in the 1990s, I simply never encountered either the word or the concept. But I knew from puberty onwards that I wasn't interested in dating the way most of my friends were; talk about who liked whom, questions about crushes, what you would do on a date, etc felt very boring and shallow to me. In high school, I let it be known that I had a crush on an older person who was definitely unavailable to me; this was largely a way of trying to deflect questions about why I didn't date anyone at school. I am allosexual, so there were times when I confused sexual attraction with romantic attraction, but the reality is being in relationships always made me feel stifled, intruded upon, and generally annoyed with the world. It wasn't anything other people were doing wrong, I just felt obligated to perform things I wasn't really feeling. I definitely never understood romantic love. I was in my late 30s, maybe even 40, before I realized that most people get married because they actually want to, not just because they are pressured or brainwashed by society. The idea of marriage literally makes me feel nauseous, and it took me a long time to understand that not everyone feels that way. Maybe if I had learned about aromanticism earlier, I might have understood more easily that I was the odd one. I mean, I had always had a feeling of being different from other people, but I never understood what it was. What did eventually help me get to the realization was encountering the writings of Bella DePaolo and her concept of people who are "single at heart". I saw myself very clearly in that. By recognizing the description of people who want to remain single, I was able to start contrasting that with people who want romance, and thereby understand that people who desire romance actually do exist. A couple of years later, I finally encountered the word aromantic. At first, I thought it didn't apply to me because I had dated occasionally and even been in relationships. As I learned more about it, of course, I realized that those things didn't exclude me from being aro. I also did a lot more self-reflection, concluding that those relationships were really just based on physical attraction and anything besides that just makes me feel icky. I think all but two of the things on your list resonated with me, so yeah. You've got a good list, and I'm definitely aro (if I hadn't already known). I think your generation is lucky because these things are talked about now. Just knowing that there are so many more orientations besides just straight, gay, and bi gives people a chance to understand themselves better at an earlier age and figure out how they want to live their lives. I hope the world will continue progressing beyond the limits of amatonormativity.
Your comment makes me feel seen. I also grew up in the 90s and I came to the same understanding of myself. I am 30 years old and realized I am aromantic 2 years ago. I did have "crushes" tho back in high school, but realized it was aesthetic attraction and thats it. I wanted to date SO BAD because I needed the validation that stems from being liked and being attractive to others but tbh never understood what it meant.
I’m so glad you said this. I grew up in the 90s too and I’m now in my 40s and aro questioning because an enlightened friend suggested I might be. Cue lots of internet searches. I do fall in love but it is never a pleasant experience for me - it’s full of anxiety and pain. I do not enjoy it like the rest of the world says I must. I absolutely do love my friends and family, and I do love sex, but anything beyond the platonic is torture. I think I could be romantic but it would have to be *very specific* circumstances. Thank you x
I realised a pattern in my "crushes" that didn't cross my mind before I started to question if I'm aromantic or not. It was always like this: "New environment? Scan the crowd. Find someone aesthetically attractive. Get attached and stick with it." I now realise all this time I thought I wouldn't be interesting enough if I didn't like someone or didn't have a romantic subplot going on. I really enjoyed fantasizing scenarios but I never did something about it, I didn't expect them to do anything either. I just admired them from afar, even my jealousy was forced. To be completely honest, I did end up having big feelings for them, but I don't think they were necessarily romantic. I always thought "What if they liked me back? What if we ended up dating? Then what?" I'm still trying to figure my feelings out, still questioning my aromanticisim. I guess I liked having big feelings? Maybe that made me feel like I was doing something important or interesting or genuine, like I was worthy of my peers' attention. Idk. Or maybe I liked it more when it wasn't actually real. Later on I started to describe my orientation as "well if it happens, it happens i guess". But still that put some amount of pressure on me that I now realise as I feel it vanish. I am the way I am. I don't have to do anything differently just in case I end up being wrong about who I am, just in case "it happens".
It really resonated with me when you guys mentioned that some aromantics could start out thinking they're bi or just indifferent to identity associated with romance. I thought for the longest time that I was just panromantic because I felt the same for all types of people. Dunno if there are any aros out there who did this, but I would just go on a lot of dates and numerically track them because in my head, I just had to put myself more out there to find someone that would "flip that romantic switch". I'd also have conversations about loneliness with other friends and feel out of touch because, apparently, there is a type of loneliness that you feel when you don't have a romantic partner? I was always saying things like "well, we'd really have some really serious, deep conversations as friends, right?" and all my friends would say "it's not the same".
Ok but the first part is so relatable. Especially because I’m bi oriented aroace so I thought what turned out to be queerplatonic attraction was just having a crush lol
I definitely have distinct memories of friends asking about my sexuality, and saying that "I've never had a crush, so I'm not sure yet." It took me a while to realise my identity was based on that, hahah!
One huge sign that I was aro was that I always interpreted love songs as platonic. Didn't know why, but I just always assumed they were talking about a close friend or with break up songs, they were sad about losing that friendship. Took me until recently to realize they were talking about romance, lol. I still sometimes interpret love songs as platonic. Another sign was that in media, I never understood or saw the point of romance. On TV I never understood why if people weren't compatible, they didn't just break up or why they acted like being single was the worst thing in the world and bent over backwards to get into relationships. Like, why did they care so much about being in a relationship when there's so many better things to do? I also had (still do) a big issue with romance in fantasy and dystopian books because I'll be like, "You all are trying to take down an oppressive government, you don't have time for romance!" However, I just thought that was me being introverted, not aro.
One of the things I did when I was close to figuring my aromantic-ness out, but not yet completely there, was constantly thinking about with who I'd end up if my life was a book or movie. Like, for example, with one of my friends from school, my neighbour, a guy in my class I fought a lot with, my partner in dance lessons, my internet friends etc. Then I'd feel kinda weird afterwards, because I really didn't want anything from them. I figured myself out when I got into a weird romantic situationship with said dance partner and I felt horrible and sick and nauseous that I couldn't love them back the way they were loving me, so I just kind of came out to them and ghosted them after a few months because everything was really weird and I felt so guilty because they were in a bad place when I "broke up" with them. It's not my proudest moment and I seriously didn't know what else to do. I hope they're in a much better place than they were before (I sure am!) and that they may have found someone who can give them something I couldn't. Oh, and that incident also led me to be hyper-aware of people who might show me some kind of romantic attention, even when they're really just being friendly, but I just don't want to hurt people again the same way I hurt my dance partner.
I've noticed that I'm way more conscious (or maybe paranoid) of how others could feel towards me after my own uncomfortable situationship, too. I'm just terrified friends might end up attracted to me, even though realistically there isn't much I could do to change that, aside from being transparent with them.
im not really sure how to say this but, hi! I wanted to ask (if its not too personal!) how you would go about "breaking up" with your dance partner looking back on it now? (assuming you'd ever see this, that is). I've personally found myself in a VERY similar situation to you and I'm not really sure how to go about telling this person I'm not romantically in love with them, but more so platonically- if that makes sense... I want to tell this person how I feel, but they're also in a bad place and also say that they love me (despite my inability to accept/understand how or why they'd actually love me). they're one of my best friends, and I really don't want to break that bond. if you see this and have any advice I would appreciate it SO MUCH, but obviously I understand that its not always possible. thank you
@@forevertiredkrystal4705 Hi! Yes, I did see your reply (obviously) and I'm so proud of you for figuring out what you would like from the relationship with your friend, that's not an easy thing to do and something most arospec people I know, myself included, have struggled or are still struggling with. Figuring this out and accepting it yourself is the first and usually hardest part, good job! Just note that I know neither you nor your friend so if you don't like the advice I give you or feel like it wouldn’t work, feel free to ditch it. In fact, I do encourage you to tweak it in whichever ways to make it more fitting to the two of you and the situation you're finding yourself in. So, first of all, before you do anything else, sit down with yourself for a few minutes and figure out what exactly you want from this relationship. A friendship, a platonic partnership, a queerplatonic relationship or maybe you would feel comfortable with a relationship in which they love you romantically while you love them platonically (which is still very much possible, though might be challenging to navigate). Be sure you know what you want and where your boundaries are. If it helps, jot your thoughts down on a piece of paper. Then, just talk with them. And if it's possible for you, meet in person and don't do it over the phone. I "broke up" with my dance partner via text which was in retrospect the worst thing I could've done, don't make the same mistake that I did, that was shitty of me! It might seem easier, but does more harm in the end! (Of course, this will be hard if it's an internet friendship) Just be open, clear and honest and don't expect them to know what they want immediately (you've had time to prepare yourself for this conversation while they most likely haven't). Give them some time to figure out what they themselves want and then maybe sit down another day and talk about it again, if that's possible. Just make sure both of you are aware of how the other is feeling and what they're comfortable and uncomfortable with. I know that this sounds scary and you will be making yourself vulnerable by discussing such topics, but it's far better than just doing whatever you think would work while not consulting them. That will just hurt people in the long run. And make sure to treat yourself after you've had this conversation. It's a very difficult thing to do and requires so much bravery and trust, so you've definitely earned that ice cream or long walk with your dogs or listening to music on the roof or baking your favourite cake or going for a drink with your friends (whatever it is that will make you calm down again) (though I would not encourage drinking if the conversation didn't go the way you'd like, my chemistry teacher once gave me a piece of wisdom I will cherish forever. Alcohol only enhances the feelings you're feeling. If you're happy because you're out with your friends and it's fun, a sensible amount of alcohol will enhance that happiness. If you're sad because you feel guilty, drinking will make it worse. So don't drink if you're sad, kiddo!) And if you do end up in a relationship of any kind DON'T STOP COMMUNICATING! COMMUNICATION IS THE FOUNDATION OF EVERY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, WHETHER IT BE PLATONIC, ROMANTIC OR QUEERPLATONIC!!! This was also something I had to learn when it comes to my current queerplatonic partner (though I will not dive into that if you don't want to know it, my comment is long enough as it is, whoopsie) I hope this kinda helps? The key here is just: Be aware of what you want and communicate your feelings and boundaries with them and also respect theirs, but never let them talk you out of your boundaries (if you're not okay with kissing, holding hands, physical touch in general, for example). Be true to yourself while also respecting their feelings. If you're still in school, talk with your school counsellour and if you feel comfortable, bring your friend as well (and yes, this will feel a little weird, especially in the beginning. My school counsellour was my psychology teacher I've had for only a few months before and it was weird talking to him about those personal issues, but he did end up giving some good advice) Also, don't get in a relationship with them just because they are in a bad place and you'd feel guilty if you'd reject them. Trust me, they will be more hurt when they find out that you've pretended to be in love with them because you felt bad for them, and they are going to find out if you do so. It's better for everyone involved if you're honest from the beginning. And before you leave, just let me tell you, that I now am officially your older aro sister, no matter how old you are, and you can always ask me if you need anything regarding your aro-ness. If you feel uncomfortable discussing it in this comment section because it's too personal, I can drop my discord handle where you can always reach me if you need anything. I'm crossing my fingers for you! I love you and I'm proud of you! Just remember to drink enough water, take your meds if you have to do so and be kind to yourself. Happy Pride Month!
@@forevertiredkrystal4705 Oh, and I would like to add something: If you try your best to be respectful and honest and still end up hurting them, you are not the villian. You are not evil. You are a person, just as much as they are and you are in a difficult situation. Don't blame yourself if they are hurt because you couldn't return their romantic attraction. Try to be as open and respectful as possible but your feelings are just as valid as theirs are
@@dandelionhood4508 oh my gosh. thank you sososso much!! I still don't believe I've figured myself COMPLETELY out, but im definitely going to use this advice. I've really been telling myself not to communicate my thoughts and feelings over text and this really just solidified that for me. im not the best at talking about this stuff, so I am sososo thankful that you gave me many more reasons to work on my communication skills in relationships. your comment has really opened my eyes with what I actually wanted in a relationship and what boundaries I have been ignoring lately! not to mention the fact that this is the most kind, informative and lovely comment I've ever received! I plan on telling this person how I feel soon, I just wanted to take some time like you've said to figure out how to let them know! but again, thank you SO much for your insight and giving such a warm welcome. id be honoured to have you as an older aro sister 😭
When people around me started dating eachother I was sooo confused.. I always thought how weird everyone was for wanting one. 😅 only later I found out that I was the odd one out lol
I’m really struggling with my identity at the moment because for years I’ve been convinced that I will fall in love and be with a romantic partner and that I’ve just been unlucky so far or just haven’t put myself out there enough cause I’m introverted. Plus I’m autistic so I’m just a bit baffled about whether this is genuinely my sexuality or just me being meh about people overall. But the more I research, the more I relate, and I just do not know. Thank you so much for making this video, and for all the commenters sharing their own aroace experiences. It’s really helping and with luck I’ll figure some stuff out soon :)
Truth or dare was the worst, I never knew what to say and everyone always said I was lying or hiding someone, or eventually just assumed I was gay and hiding it.
1:24 Funny story…(-.-;) some kid took me to his gazebo we watched the princess bride and played dnd! The whole time he was trying to like get physically closer to me, and was super nice. But me being ignorant didn’t realize that it was a date and just wanted to go because the word gazebo is funny haha (￣∇￣;)
If you are considering you might be aro/ace, but you are very physically affectionate and love physical touch, i have a possible indicator for you. As much as you love physical touch, you don't see gestures that society might view as inherently romantic/sexual (ex. kisses on the cheek) the same way as society does. I am a very touchy person, and i live for physical touch. However, i never viewed kisses on the cheek as something necessarily romantic. I'm not referring to the kisses that are appropriate in many countries upon greeting each other, but just random kisses between friends. I mean, if i can give kisses to my family, why not to my best friends as well? I relate everything said in this video. I struggled to accept i'm aroace because it made me feel so alienated and broken, cosidering how rare it is to find someone in my country that not only knows about the label, but also understands it. But i'm glad there are folks here on the internet that make me feel like i'm not alone.
I've had a really mixed experience with romanticism over the course of my life. I've been in a lot of relationships and experienced different feelings with each one, but after doing some recent reflecting, I've realized that I just dislike romance. When I'm around couples, I get extremely uncomfortable. Even when I was in relationships, I always thought that the standard "coupley" activities most people did, like cuddling or using petnames, were all super performative and uncomfortable. I'm finally starting to question if I'm somewhere on the aro spectrum, though I've never really heard anyone describe the same experiences I have. I don't mind the idea of being in a relationship, but the romance itself just feels like something I wouldn't ideally want to partake in. I'm glad there's so much information and people talking about their experiences online now. I can't imagine trying to figure this out without the guidance of the internet lol.
This is a very unique space for me being aro allosex. I used to try talking more about it through life, dealing with a lot invalidation, and now I'm in a romantic relationship, so I just got in the closet about it. But I've recorded a few snippets for showing to people I trust. Thanks for that, it's valuable for us.
I never actually related to the romantic aspects of romance stories but I was maybe exited to keep going because I saw how important the love was to those characters and I was fascinated and kinda happy for them. But deep down I still always knew that I wouldn't crave that feeling for myself to be fulfilled. And it was the sexual parts that actually turned me on better, so my sexuality is definitely healthy. Every time a friend or someone told me about their crush, I couldn't even relate to that feeling. I almost thought they are overreacting. I've been close with other girls but not the way one would think. It all has started to make sense.
I mean I've gotten an idea of what romance is like through movies, series, people and media. And in fact I adore the idea, just not when it comes to me.
Okay, my experiences... Or just things I think I understand about myself and some others I still have to figure out. I've been through almost all these situations. I've always felt uncomfortable when someone asks me anything around the topic, or when I'm being shipped with a friend, or to avoid Truth or Dare, because I know no one would believe I didn't have a crush "yet". But there is something that simply does not match with all this... I'd like to be in a relationship. This is embarrassing hahaha. But I love watching romantic stories, from books, animated tv series and movies, and I shipp characters SO HARD, and I'm always looking forward to see them finally getting engaged on a relationship, and more of their cute moments together. It all makes my heart go warm, and makes me want to have it with someone... At the same time I don't even understand the concept of crushing or romantic attraction at all. I don't think I have ever felt this for anyone. Have anybody feel the same?
Omggg yessss. I Love couple storys and i would Like to be Loved Like that too. But at the Same time i can‘t feel the kind of Love for anybody and i don‘t get it
honestly I still struggle with the loneliness that comes with a lack of romantic attraction, I think it's a big part of life but I'm focusing on the fact that I can love platonically and that what matters in the end.
I don't know if I'm aromantic. When I have romantic feelings I express them in an over the top overwhelming way. But if others express romance to me I often don't see it as clearly. This can lead to them feeling ignored and rejected and me being confused at why they're pulling away. Been doing a lot of reflecting on this recently. I didn't really relate to most of the points. Maybe I'm not aromantic. I don't know.
Thank you for providing a safe space to learn. I think someone close to me may be aromantic, but doesn't seem to realize yet. Great video, y'all! 🙏❤🏳🌈🏳⚧
I don't mean to offend with this, but I honestly thought I was autistic or something before finding the aro label. While I was fine being sociable (especially after getting over my social anxiety), I was a very comfy and quiet introvert too, so that introversion and my aromanticism combined into a feeling of not really getting people fully. I knew it didn't really quite fit since I was definitely not struggling in a lot of ways my friends who had it did interacting with others, and since it was such a subtle unease I had never fully entertained the idea beyond a slim chance of an explanation to that desync. Honestly I'm only now (as I am writing this) realizing that this was probably the reason I felt detached, and autism was the closest thing I had in my mind that could maybe be an explanation if I squinted hard enough.
I figured after WAY too long already that I was ace, and figured rather than taking the NEXT two decades I might as well try and figure out what if any romantic attraction I might have. That's why I'm here. Help!
Thank you for making videos like this! I needed this because I am aro-curious. I often have difficulty trying to understand how people in (non-spicy) novels and movies fall in love so fast because it always seems like the equivalent of a healthy platonic friendship. I've never fallen in love, but I have had good friends before. I don't see marriage in my future and I actually love that idea. All I've ever wanted are good friends because I can feel the love from that and it fulfills me (plus they give me the space I need when I go home 😂) and a dog tbh.
I know that everyone experiencies are different, but while seeing this video I could stop thinking "Oh, well... that explains a lot" . But really, even if I knew the term and consider that I might be aromantic it truly helps me hearing your thoughts and personal experiencies, because like you said, the technical stuff might not be the rule, is more the vibe ✨️ Btw english is not my first lenguage, so sorry for any grammar mistake or not choosing the right words
This weekend I had a friend ship me with her brother because we were talking about things that we liked so I just said NO NEVER SHIP ME WITH ANYONE and then my group of friends excepted the fact that was aromantic with knowing the term
I've never liked or had romantic feelings for anyone. When I share that with the people around me, they still say I'm picky or that I'm like this or that. I come from a Southeast Asian country so people really don't seem to know anything about aro, sometimes I pretend to like someone to show that I'm not different, which is a bit annoying.. .. I still hope I can live true to my emotions even in an environment like this, haha🙃🙃😃
thank you for this video, you guys seem like really nice people :) Recently ive been in another classic queer identity spiral considering whether I'm aro. It's gotten to the point of googling this video because of how annoyed ive been with seeing so much romance in media. I just don't see the obsession with it everywhere, and it feels like people are exaggerating or talking about things I'm too young to understand. Like when people rant about yearning for someone, experiencing heartbreak over a relationship, or how tough the dating scene is, i just get an overwhleming feeling of "I dont feel that way!! at all!! am I weird or just inexperienced??". Like i've never felt this hole inside that needed to be filled with a relationship (i used to, in middle school, but turns out I was just seeking male attention because of self esteem issues and now that that's gone, I havent wanted to be in a relationship in years!!). The most confusing part is I know im allosexual and bisexual. I thought I had crushes but when crushes turned to relationships it got boring and I didnt reciprocate romantic feelings. The parts I felt passion for were the flirting and making out and getting yknow sexual, because i did find them physically attractive. and i liked hanging out with them. but when it got to dates, or calling them my boyfriend or girlfriend, it felt so performative. i felt like a complete robot. after breakups, i rarely cried, and when I did it was just about what it meant for my ego to be broken up with, like how i wasnt as special to that person. it wasnt about not having them around anymore. ugh but i dont know! part of me is terrified of dying alone and all my friends prioritising romantic relationships and i cant have my dream platonic friend that lives with me and our dogs because that feels like too much to wish for!!!! i feel like a soulless sex craving unable-to-be-happy robot without feelings :(( but this video helps. seeing you guys happy makes the good ending a little more believable. and the community here is nice. this feels so new and unstable. this self realisation. i dont know if ill change my mind or how to feel about this potential identity.
Hi! I only started watching your videos lately and I wanted to say thank you so much for making them:) They’re very informative and help me personally too a lot, I can’t even begin to describe how reassuring it feels to see others say things out loud I’ve also been feeling and express that it’s Okay to feel those things. You guys are such lovely people with a warm presence that it’s so nice to watch your videos and hear you talk about your experiences. Have a nice day
I don't know if this certainly counts as a sign, but in elementary school, I used to resent a boy for kissing a girl in my class, not because I was jealous but because I was genuinely repulsed by that kind of physical contact. Now I feel stupid and mean for resenting him for something I didn't understand. I would be repulsed by anything romantic or sexual. My cousin and I had watched a kissing scene in a movie once and I openly expressed how repulsed I was and my cousin was like, "Why are you disgusted by this stuff? It's just a kissing scene." I would be like, "I dunno, I just don't like that kind of stuff."
Sometimes i question my aromanticism because what even is romantic attraction.I’m never sure if i feel aethstetic attraction to someone or if i’m just faking it and i actually love them.I’m 99% sure i’m aromantic but sometimes i still question it.
As an arospec/aro questioning asexual individual myself. I don’t really get it when people immediately kiss or more after a first meeting or date. I’m always like: “You barely know this person… what-?” I also don’t really understand the amount of dishonesty allo couples sometimes have. Like, you trust and love this person, why are you not telling them what’s on your mind? (This can be anything by the way. Something as small as asking them to clean up after themselves or actually liking someone else)
I also never got how people broke up. Idk if you guys meant it this way, but people are in love one day and the next say "I never want to see them again" when nothing big happened ? I also don't know get the big stigma of staying friends with your ex. Like, if they aren't a bad person, what's the problem ?
I’ve dated three people and I’m in high school, I’ve been on one date and none of these relationships I’ve felt romantic attraction. I feel sexual attraction but I don’t have crushes or feel romantic towards anyone and sometimes I get jealous cause I see people dating and in love but I can’t feel romantic attraction. for a long time I thought there was something wrong with me
I never exactly liked anyone romantically, but I found people attractive or cool so I just said I liked them, but i almost never imaged kissing cuddling or holding hands and I never was attracted to the idea of that. I could really like someone as a person but I never was comfortable with romantic things others had to offer
I recently realized I’m aromantic because I just figured out my “crushes” weren’t really crushes. I tend to develop “crushes” on close girl friends of mine but I never wanted to date them. I didn’t understand that there was supposed to be romantic attraction behind crushes. 🤦🏾♀️
OMG I definately hate truth or dare! Mostly because they'd ask me awkward questions I didn't know how to answer or dare me to do stuff I really didn't want to do! I've never been on a date... I'm polyqueerplatonic and want at LEAST one (but open to more) close friends I do everything with Breakups don't make sense to me either. I had multiple relationships because I thought it was normal and expected and I really liked their company. But after we broke up, they just left me and wouldn't even stay friends. And I'm just like, why? It hurt more that they didn't want nothing to do with me than the actual breakup. I was the odd one out as the only one not seeking a sexual relationship. But I did seek romantic relationships (Cupioromantic) I'm not entirely sure if I'm aromantic or not but cupioromantic for the moment fits while I figue it out
I totally relate to the truth or dare part. I'm pretty sure that I'm aroace, still figuring it out though but I've always avoiding joining a game of truth or dare or similar games as I was terrified of what questions or dares I might get. They almost always are about romance in some way
i wish i could talk to you two in person as an aroace person myself i wish i could meet with you guys and just talk :)) One big sign for me was loving romcoms, romance books, romance tv shows, romance mangas, romance animes, fanfics, yadayada, but imagining yourslef doing any of this with a real person sounds completely different. like loving the idea of romance and intimacy and having crushes on people, but not really getting it yourself, yk? not sure i explained this the right way lol
One big sign for me as someone who writes a lot of fantasy/fiction in my free time is that I unintentionally write a lot of my characters to be on the aro-ace spec. Like, I would start out writing them thinking that I had made the character allosexual/alloromantic, only to realize later that I had accidentally written them to be aro and/or ace. I just find writing my characters and their relationships that way to be a lot more natural, and I honestly can't figure out how to intentionally write them to be allo without constantly cringing at how strange and nonsensical I find allo people (especially straight allo's) to be.😅
I kinda did sm similar, in fiction I tend to appreciate and look for content of platonic relationships more (no romance at all), or aromantic relationships (besties but married and they love each other)
Ive been doing a lot of thinking about what i might be, and theres one thing that is happening in my life that truly makes me feel that i might be aro. I currently have a "crush" on a certain boy and i have for a little while, but when i look back at how it all started, it doesnt seem as if its really how crushes are meant to happen. I remember my mother having seen him working at a grocery store and having said," that is the kind of guy you should be going after, hes cute and he works hard." And my brain kinda just went, "ok, then i will," and from then on i kinda just developed a "artificial crush" on this boy. And to be frank, that's kind of how all my "crushes" have festered. Theres constantly times when i become afraid that i might become alone in the future, and in my own way of trying to avoid that, i try to find people who, if i absolutely had to, I could date and not totallly be uncomfortable, or uninterested. And when i think about it, i dont think thats how crushes are supposed to happen. Other people create a romantic relationship with others out of a deep desire, im doing it cause i feel like i may have to, when in reality, i dont really feal anything romantic towards them.
The last few months, I've been coming to the realization that a lot of my feelings were just kind of... Misidentified? It's weird because I genuinely believed I had a crush on those people, but looking back, I think I just took the path of least resistance while wanting to be close to someone. Anxiety and loneliness have both fogged my judgement of self for so long, that it's kind of hard and scary to determine what my real identity might be.
Me too, only I created a musical inside my mind and I would then sing to the person I supposedly loved and try to get them to sing songs with me and dance with me and would get really confused and upset when they wanted sex with me and was extremely hurt when they decided to rape me because I refused sex. I think I'm just an aromantic asexual who likes to make up fictional love stories based on real people and on me and sing and dance with people as a way to create a musical theater story. I did it from anxiety and loneliness too. My end goal was to perform my stories on stage and go on tour with the stories, dances, and singing duets we had created, or to compete and win dance competitions. Their goal was sex. I couldn't understand why.
I always felt that, I liked the person best as a friend and not romantically I can't connect with others romantically I just feel normal love but never infatuation
lol the 1st one is sooooo acurate! I was forced to pick an oposite sex classmate during a truth or dare in high school, i told them i wasn't interested in anyone, but they just forced me to pick.
I'm still a teenager, but I'm pretty sure I'm aroace. Though I like the idea of romance in theory and love it to watch romance shows I can't imagine having a relationship for myself. I also noticed a few things over the years for my friends. When my friends started to talk about their idea type and their future (getting married etc) , I always felt uncomfortable and didn't knew what do say When I see someone, I consider pretty I often think something like "I would like to be friend with them" and I don't really have the crush feeling, my friends would describe (I never had a crush btw) The though of having a relationship generally makes me feel weird and anxious
I think a sign I was aro was when I was in late elementary school I “gave up” on having a crush on this one boy when two other girls expressed interest in him
My understanding of what romance is is based on a superficial understanding of romantacism as a philosophy. The idea of a soulmate. Someone you want to know, and to be with forever. Passion for someone else. Destiny. I've never seen it as specifically sexual or necessarily extravagant with profession. But idk.
God i'm just accepting I'm aromantic, it's been six months and I can't believe I didn't realize sooner! I'm 24! Never had a crush, if I was interested in someone that feeling would fade in two days, never understood the difference between platonic and romantic, the thought of a friend confessing their feelings to me made me angry and when a stranger flirted with me I never believed them bc I was like "you don't know me! tf" and if I imagined myself in a romantic relationship it would actually make me sick! I'm happy to have an answer tho, it's feels right, reading/hearing everyone's experiences help a lot ❤
thanks for sharing , its helpful to hear otheres experiences 💚💚 for me ive enjoyed being in sort of relationships with friends who were in open relationships so there was no expectations of things going further or being depended on as a partner, but when i became someones partner it gave me a anxiety and i couldnt place why. i think i want affectionate friends rather than a romantic partnership its been confusing
I'm not aromantic but I really related to what you said about not "getting" breakups. I always would have been the type to stay friends (I had two breakups, one because of circumstances and one I got broken up with during their mental health crises) and it was very traumatic that they didn't want to be friends. I was like what how can you do that. We love each other how can you just stop completely. So I really get that I don't know if I will ever understand breakups like that. It feels like it's a cultural thing that that level of emotional immaturity is so normalized
Until actually being in a relationship I always loved the _idea_ of a romantic relationship because (this was before I discovered I'm aro) I thought I'd finally feel that feeling I've heard so much about. I know I'm straight because I'm sexually attracted to guys. However, I always wondered why I felt this quasi-romantic feeling towards my best friend, I'd describe it as "platonic, but more so". When I finally entered my first and only relationship (with my boyfriend that I'm now dating), I finally realized I don't experience romantic attraction, I'm sexually and platonically attracted to him and there are moments I'd call quasi-romantic, like listening to each other yammer on about our special interests or getting playfully competitive during Mario Kart. I'm also not one who's much for physical affection except with my best friend (even with my boyfriend the most we've done is hug, unless you count laying close together when I'm cold and need warmth as cuddling).
I'm 21, home schooled, and autistic (and annoyed that comments don't support markdown) 1. I've never played truth or dare (and am not sure what it is) 2. I've never been on a romantic date (with or without realizing it) 3. _intentionally left blank_ 4. can't say I've thought about it much (also haven't seen many (any?) break-ups) 5. I've never really had a friend group or at least not one around my age 6. _intentionally left blank_ 7. I don't think I've ever been asked if I'm straight (or about my identity in that sense at all) 8. I don't think I've tried to define it, and now _insert a bunch of spinning question marks I guess_ 9. I've never been in a situation like that 10. or a situation like that afaik 11. I'm still trying to work out if I'm ace and/or aro, and more though about not trying to answer the aro part yet when I started doing ace research 12. _an interesting one_ maybe I am (I only recently found the term amatonormativity) 13. I am watching/have watched the video. did I find it helpful? maybe (also watched several other related videos) when I got to point 2 or 3 I expected to conclude with something like "I haven't had enough of these experiences, or been in enough of these situations, so how am I supposed to know" having watched the whole video that is not the right conclusion I'm still not sure if I'm aro or not though
I literally haven't been asked once if I had a crush anyone, I mean I have never really had any crushes or anything. But, I mean I'm only 15, that sounds too early? I've pretty much always been asking "Do I have to marry" or "I really have no interest in dating" or even better yet "I've never thought of ANYONE in my life as anything more than a friend". I have already, before I even suspected it, said that when I grow up I just want friends and to live alone just vibing, enjoying life, and having friends over on the occasion. I legitimately still have no idea what happens on dates, like I guess that two people go to a restaurant and then like kiss afterwards? I'm not even sure, that just sounds like a recipe for awkwardness and an empty wallet. I still can't even comprehend why on Earth someone would fall head-over-heels for someone just because they like them for their looks. I mean that just sounds shallow and dumb. I only really learned about the LGBTQ+ spectrum maybe a year ago (I'm fricking 15 XD) so I legitimately never realized that it wasn't normal not to have any crush whatsoever. I mean I have a whole slew of stories I could pull up that may just reinforce that possibility but I have one in particular. So maybe 1-2 months ago in my English class some girl from another table in the room sorta asks for my phone number and I literally have no idea what the frick is going on or anything like that. I mean I've always viewed guys and girls equally in my book I just have more to talk about with guys so I just normally stick to talking with my own gender I guess? So I just as respectfully as I can muster say "I'm sorry I don't want to give you my number, I'm literally not interested in anyone". (I tbh wasn't even sure if that was the "dating prank" thing that I heard about from a youtuber named "shgurr" and I just don't know how I'm supposed to react.) So I kinda just get bombarded by people wanting to see drama, that girl sorta like sends her other tablemates over to get my number for her, and I'm just sitting over here wondering "WHAT THE FRICK IS GOING ON?!" I really just don't know if that was legit or not, or how I shoulda reacted, or anything like that. So long story short, at 2 years of being a teen I have not ONCE had a crush. I mean I've hardly even noticed anyone having a gf/bf, nor did I really care. Most of my close friends either never talked about relationships or ever brought it up, because most of my friends are geeks about stuff. I'm really not sure if I am aromantic or if I'm just too young? I mean I grew and hit puberty before most guys my age so shouldn't I be caring about this by now? I'm not really sure if you'll even respond but if you do, can you guys tell me what you think? I'm gonna need all the info I can get. XD
Ok so just after I fully finished the video here's what I can agree with: -People (parents specifically) take my kindness and deep care for those I admire (sometimes a girl and they take that further in their heads) as if that's some sort of crush, when in reality I just do everything I can NOT to make my friends angry at me because I value them a lot. XD -I mean I have a few friends (particularly in gym class) that experience same-sex attraction, and in gym class we talk a lot, and I'm kinda respectful and nice about it? I mean I'm not really sure if it's because they find me approachable or that I just an extroverted social justice lover. XD -I've been always interested in not marrying or dating, I just imagined someone else's life with my face in it or like the movies show and crap like that. -I really just find relationship drama to be just stupid, I see people break up and I'm just like WHY? I thought you'd like stay friends or something, that doesn't sound like an issue! XD -I legit can't actually define "Romance" like my only guess is like "People loving people and wanting to date?" -I never really noticed any difference between me and others (I know this isn't on the list but it's just a thought) and I just kinda enjoyed life, pursuing whatever I liked, dating and marrying was just something I thought would "happen" in the very rare time that I actually thought about that. -I always was really clueless on if people were in relationships or lgbtq+ or not, I swear I once saw a list of characters and their romances that I didn't know of and I'm like "WOW I'm fricking clueless! XD" -I kinda just find people flirting uncomfortable, my brain isn't sure how to react if someone asks for my number or anything like that. XD -I kinda like realized aromanticism existed when Jaiden said she was aro ace, and I was like, meh this kinda isn't me and now my brain is going like "WAAAAAIIIIIT A SECOND..." I don't really know what else to write because it's either something I've never experienced because I'm young or I just don't know? 😅 This is like the "I have no idea" part. -I've never really done "Truth or Dare" -Never been on a date (No interest, nobodies ever pushed me to do so.) -I've never been asked if I'm straight before and I never really thought about it myself so I was just like "Yeah sure, (I don't really like anyone though.)". So if you read all of this stuff, THANK YOU! I'm amazed you were willing to live with this. XD Anyway I'm not sure if this is just me, some teenage 15 year old guy having an identity crisis or anything but um, tell me what you think I guess? Thanks. :D
@@KenH60109 I don't think it necessarily means you're aro. I was at the exact same place as you til 22yo. I can't remember having crush on anyone before that age. I thought of flirting as just having fun with words and didn't understand the romantic relationship dynamics either, or its point for that matter. It all looked irrational (which it actually quite often is) and in my head, the romantic feeling was just a really good friendship because just like you I couldn't imagine it. So I think we were pretty similar. I didn't want any relationship or anything and thought that way until the last summer when I got infatuated with a girl (surprise suprise, it wasn't just for looks) and later on fell in (and out of) love. Today, my view on all these things is the complete opposite. I desire romantic relationship and while I still don't have crushes, I'm aware of being attracted to certain quialities in other people which I wasn't before. If I learnt about aro a year ago, I might have as well categorized myself as one. In my eyes, it's a bit like trying to imagine a new taste. Let's say you were deprived of everything sweet but you see other people being addicted to chocolate. Obviously you'd not understand their behaviour and see no point in eating it if it's not always healthy. But once you taste it and know what's all the fuss about, you get it and you desire it as well. Or you don't, which makes you aro, but as you can see, that can change later on. So I'd say don't waste your time with this if it isn't something that deeply troubles you and you feel like you need a label to feel better about yourself. Wait a few more years and then when you'll think it won't change you can come back because yeah, I think it's too early to say. I wouldn't worry too much though. Regardless of whether you are aro or not, it changes nothing. You should still do what you enjoy and not let anything affect it. A lot of people waste their teens/20s chasing girls when they could work on themselves instead and be much more successful in career, have more friends, hobbies etc. If you're aro, you'd do this anyways and if you're not then all these things will make you more attractive and better partner. Just be yourself ;)
woah some of these signs made me go "OMG SO THATS WHY I THINK THIS" or "NO WONDER". I definatly think I identify more as Aegoromantic but this has been so helpful. I think I finally realise why i'm 19 and still single.
The thing that helpen me the most in this video is that you said that you feel al lot attraction at the age lf 14 13 and that was the thing I was confused with
With me it was thinking I was supposed to try being straight and that not leading to anything real. I always just stayed friends and kind of preferred that. I’m ace and demiromanic.
I came to this from a Tumblr post recommending Asexual content creators because I wanted to share that I'm AroAce and my nick name is Elle, I know its kinda random but I just thought it was funny😅. One sign I had was when I was like "There's no logical reason why I shouldn't be Bi, I mean there's even perks of dating the same gender that dating the opposite wouldn't have so- wait dating isn't supposed to be about logic it's supposed to be about feelings! . . . Well I FEEL like I don't want to date- ohhhhh."
1. I'm socially awkward and very much introverted, so I have pretty much no one (except one person) I could call friends 2. See 1 3. Yis :3 Best friends for like 12+ years now, we do all sorts of dumb stuff lmao 4. Been in 3 relationships total (all of em asked me out/admitted their love to me(all of the ships failed and the first and third one kinda went so far as nc, second one we did some stuff after but grew apart) 5. See 1 6. See 4 (Addition: i kinda felt pity for them so I didnt deny them) 7. Yuh, indifference goes brrrrr, thought I was omni but I kinda don't care lol 8. Romance is kinda ??? to me 9. Yup. Hard relate. 10. See 1 11. I'm pretty sure I am aro ace, alloromantic might fit better though, not sure. 12. Honestly same, monogamy seems weird to me, if I wasnt allo/ace, I'd be pretty much poly. Monogamy is just weird to me, cuz why should I be unable to love multiple people at once. 13. I am indeed watching this video, whatever will I do now :3 Thanks
I seriously never considered that I might be aro (even though it feels I've considered about every other identity available) - but I do see a pattern now. I don't get the "now we're together''/''now, we're not'' things as for me relationships just continually grow closer/apart on a spectrum from no contact to want to be around that person at all times. Also every friendship is different so I have no idea when I should put on the label of ''being together''. I always saw myself as polyamorous (though I didn't know the word back then) and just wanted the people I loved to be happy, even if that meant them being with others. Also I didn't get the relationship-sex connection. I wanted close friendships and I wanted sex - I didn't really see what one had to do with the other. I definitely feel love - as in a strong feeling of closeness to a person so strong I want to do sth nice for them, hug them or just feel happy because of it (or sad if they don't feel that way). Buuut I feel exactly the same about my sibling, my mom, my wider family. Maybe that could be a clue? I do the same things I alwys classified as "romantic" (like bringing flowers, suprising them with cute messages, telling them how much they mean to me) with my family I do with my partners, friends, ... what actually limits me are social expectations and the experience of people suddenly thinking I want to be in a strictly defined relationship with them - while I just wanted them to know I like them! That's so frustrating especially when they get angry because I didn't realize that they were feeling "that way" about me or a meet up was actually a date...and now we have to "split-up" even though five seconds ago I didn't know we were supposed to be "together". So whoops.
I think I’m somewhere on the aro/ace spectrum but truly no idea where. I’ve never dated someone, so it feels like I should first date people in order to truly narrow down where I fall, but I haven’t been interested in dating anyone yet 😅👌 Most I get is that I think some people are aesthetically pleasing, but I don’t think I want a romantic or sexual relationship with them???
oh man yeah. I've never heard anyone mention the whole not understanding cheating thing. Like!! It makes no sense! I can't emotionally relate at all!! 🙈 Another strong sign I think is that moment when you realize that people actually feel the way film characters describe it when they make stupid decisions to pursue a relationship without which their life would be infinitely easier lol
My whole life, I was always clueless when it came to romance. I was always thinking-oriented, and never wanted to engage in relationships whatsoever. I’d force myself to and all, but there was never a click. I feel a bit out of place for not wanting one, but I guess it’s better for me because I can get closer to God.. are there any other Christian aroaces here? No hate! Just curious, ofc. 🤭💋
For me I don’t know if I am Aroace or something on the spectrum because I haven’t had many crushes,not even fictional ones I just want to be close friends with the person. And the few times I think I might have had a crush on someone it was always a friend or someone that I wanted to be friends with so like a friend crush? But I still want to have like a romantic relationship with somebody. So right now I’m out to my friends as Asexual and Panromantic but I think I might be Demiromantic? If that’s a thing. Maybe I’m also too young to label myself as anything because I’m 14 (turning 15 in a few months) and about if I’m Asexual, I don’t know what I am supposed to think at my age but like I never really thought about having sex with anyone. But maybe when I get older things will change and everything. Idk Anyway after watching this Video I think I might really be Aromatic. And to everyone reading this comment have a nice day, night or whatever time it is 😊
You should watch their “different ways of being aromantic” video. I’m pretty sure they covered that but I can’t remember what it’s called😅 also, I don’t think you’re ever “too young” to identify as aromantic- I’m younger than you and I identify as aroace. Hope this helps❤
I'm not very good when it comes to people or social interaction in general (outside my family), so I have no idea what love is suppose to be like. The same with friendship and having crushes. I used to tend to attach myself to others and I don't know which one of those is romantic, platonic or aesthetic attraction. Maybe I had crushes or perhaps I just want to talk or hang out with them. But none of those ppl made me want to kiss or date them. I never had that picture, even my celebrity crushes aren't in there either. I get aesthetic attraction but romantic or sexual? Idk. That's y, I don't want to admit it, but I might be aromantic. (That's something I can never tell my mom. She's super controlling and traditional)
I'm still trying to figure out if its just my autism, or if its because I'm polyamorous, or if i am aro or if i am both poly and aro if that makes sense. And yeah ive had difficulty understanding/defining romantic love, though i have felt, had and fantasized about a couple different things that are different than friendship i think
My friends taking abour crushes menwhile I jusy think I have never had a crush on anybody or anything like that. I think I have a pretty good understadning of love,but I dont dont know what it feels like.
Interesting I just recently realised a lot of people I had “crushes” were because I was talking to someone and they were a nice person to talk to and there was no actual feelings I don’t think and now that I think about it I have had a lot of experiences where I looked at someone objectively good looking idk how to word it and thought yes I have a crush on them. Then there has been stuff where people have actually said they liked me and suddenly I like them but I’m realising now a lot of these kind of things were friendships. Then the final thing is I had a girlfriend at one point and I remember when I went on a date it was just like the same thing as talking to someone it didn’t feel special then right towards the end I think I realised I didn’t actually like them and just wanted to be their friends. I’m still going to do more research on romanticism and then go onto researching asexuality.
Im not sure how many other people have done this but when i was around 9-11 my brother had this friend, he was pretty cool and stuff and nice. And everyone around me was gettibg into boys and having crushes, so i basically forced myself into thinking a like this guy, (my brothers friend) when i really didn't at all. And I told people and now when we play truth or dare that bring up have you ever had a crush" and i say no then they bring him this guy who i never really liked amd its weird to tell people that i forced myself to think i liked him to fit in basically. Now my whole family thinks of this guys family as family. So he is basically my cousin, i never actually liked him, but people think i did bc i can never say "No, i just forced myself to think that" Another small thing: A lot of people had a crush on me snd it was always so weird when they told me bc i never knew how to react. So awkward😭
Being aro/ace is generally somewhat rare. We make up only a subset of the 1-2% of people who are asexual, and if I’m remembering correctly, a majority are women. So while I might not say it’s super rare in general, many ace people never/rarely meet other ace people, which is why most community spaces for us are digital.
I am 15 and recently I really got confused why I am the only one who haven't had any crush yet. I was so desperate that I started to wonder how I feel about my close friend and what is the difference between platonic and romantic attraction. I have most of sings mention in this video but to be honest, when I see how old are other people who talk about it, it can be just matter of time. Now I just feel insecure and I really want to be able to say who I am but I just think it's too early. Either way thanks for video
Geez, I wish I was aro. I am the opposite, unfortunately, getting emotionally/romantically attached so easily sometimes, even if it's clear that it has no future at all... This takes way too much place in my life.
I'm aro and I have to say that I get emotionally attached extremely quickly with about half of the people I meet and it's endlessly frustrating to me that there's no socially acceptable way to just date all of them.
