An important thing to consider is that you might also be asexual! I thought I was a lesbian for a year after reading this doc because all the points about not being attracted to men applied to me. I thought if I wasn't attracted to men, I must be attracted to women, only to find out upon exploring that attraction that it was nonexistent as well 😅 Just something to keep in mind if you're questioning!
I was the opposite! I thought I was asexual because I was so in denial about being queer. It took up until a few months ago to realize I was definitely gay af. I can totally see how it would help in discovering a sexuality as well! ❤
@@caitlinwhisenhunt1341I've heard that from a lot of my lesbian friends actually! I think that because the world is so steeped in heteronormativity, there's often a period of questioning for queer people after the initial realization that we're not straight. For a lot of us, that usually involves adopting a few different labels along the way before that light bulb goes off 😂
I'm 31 and only just figured out I'm gay af. Broke off an engagement with a man I'd been with for 7 years, and I'm moving out soon. Your videos were a huge part of my journey to get here. I watched your coming out video and the videos after that when you first posted them, and for some reason those videos really started living in my head rent-free and it took me a good while to figure out why. lol. Your experience with comphet is so similar to mine, especially the "I thought feeling happy about being desired by men must mean I want to be with them romantically and sexually!" Then I finally found out what being with women was actually like and went... WELL. this is... DIFFERENT. 💀
It's crazy that so many of us went through something so similar! I was exactly in the same place about two years ago, and it was also Alayna's journey living in my head rent free that made me realize 😂 I wish you so much hapiness, you deserve it ❤️
I definitely want a shirt that says “consider lesbianism”, so please make them 😂 In all seriousness though, seeing an updated version of this video was wonderful and will help so many people. Your last one sure helped me!
It took me until I was 54 years old to claim my sexuality and declare myself as a lesbian. This episode is so freaking good! Thank you, Alayna Joy. You are a gift. ❤
I’m 52 and I’m still struggling. Came out 3 years ago to my husband. It’s all so complicated and weird. I was reflecting yesterday and I realized that I’ve gay for so long. Watching Alayna and WHGS has helped me so much
Since I first questioned my sexuality, I’d always hear “well… um… you can admire women without being attracted to them” from people around me but never “you can admire *men* without being attracted to them!!” until I discovered the Masterdoc. That’s when I realised that my “attraction” to men has never gone beyond aesthetic appreciation. Something THAT simple. never occured to me. all thanks to comphet.
I just wanted to add in that as a bisexual woman, the lesbian masterdoc sent me into a total spiral for months and I have heard the same from other bisexuals. I'm not saying the Lesbian master doc doesn't have some value - it clearly does for a lot of people, but a lot of the items listed in the master doc aren't exactly reflective of specifically sexuality. Some of them could be because of other things in your history unrelated to your sexuality. For example, if you've had bad experiences with men in the past, "I like the idea of being with a man, but any time a man makes a move on me I get incredibly uncomfortable. " may not be being caused by your sexual preference but a response to your history. I'm not saying to throw the entire document out but I would highly highly encourage approaching the document with a grain of salt. It is just a tool for you to challenge comphet but not everything in there means "I am a lesbian" as me and some others read it. It could just be a way to test "I am not straight" (which Alayna mentions at the beginning). And Alayna's comments at the beginning about label policing are also a valid critique of parts of this document as well. None of this critique is directed at Alayna - only that the document prevents one version of comphet when sexuality can be more complicated than the document presents.
Obviously, the lesbian masterdoc has no scientific validity and I'm pretty sure it was meant to be satyrical at the beginning, but many women just started taking it seriously. I think for all queer women, both lesbians and bisexuals, sexuality may be a bit complicated at the beginning of adulthood due to compulsive heterosexuality. I guess people need to actually experience life instead of doing some BS invented satyrical test online. Not panicking is essential, especially nowadays when liberalism has made people way more free than in the past. I also think people also just want to follow the widely accepted path and women in particular lack the courage to live an independent life. Go for it if that's what you want...or don't, just follow the general path if that's what you want.
I'm a bi man, and I only allowed myself to explore my sexuality and identity around the age of 25. Weirdly (or maybe not at all) I relate to soooo much of what Alayna talks about here. Don't be afraid to ask yourself questions, don't preemptively close doors on any feelings that arise within you, don't shove yourself into labels and boxes that maintain the status quo of your life just because they feel safe. As Mammy (Chosen Family podcast shout out) said - you deserve (and owe to yourself and others) to live the life you desire to live. Warm hugs to all, wherever you are on your journey
As a bi man who figured it out at 20 and is now 22 with a wonderful bf of one year, I wholly agree! I only admitted it to myself cause I was unhappy with having to treat my partners with such a soft and gentle hand. I wanted to be fun and joking, like with a best friend, but every gf I had I would have to seriously watch what I was saying else they'd find something wrong with it, they found issues with something I did that I didn't see an issue with, just a lot of drama that I didn't want. And I found that in a man. You may not have to find that in a man, but I did and I'm extremely happy. I'm dating my best friend, and I can actually be myself in more ways than one! It's also very normal to find out that you're bi later than people that are just gay!! And it's even still normal for people to figure out they're gay later in life!! Don't be afraid of trying things out, worst thing that may happen is that you've answered the question you've had for a long time!!
@@LemonyFresh2000 as a bi female I’m so sorry your gf’s were trash :( I make friends with guys all the time because I for one hate drama. If a guy is goofy around me then heck yeah because I wanna be goofy too. I’m sorry about those experiences. BUT IM HAPPY YOU HAVE A BF YOU CAN BE YOURSELF WITH 🥹
Thanks dude. Good message, especially about boxes/labels. Fully accepting I'm a bi dude myself in my 30s the last year, or two, so I can relate as well. Friendly hugs back to you, and my fellow queers. Same.
I'm in total agreement. Far too many people try to scorn the emergence of Bi tendencies as you grow older. I'm sure imagination and aesthetics play a huge roll in our sexual attractions. There are far too many tiresome maxims and conventions that bind people to "normalcy." Indeed, why do women have to conform to a set of conditions to prove whether or not they are "Lesbian." Lesbian is only a word anyway. I loathe the way some "Lesbians" are anti Bisexual. It is just an indication of how insecure they are when their identity is challenged.
let me give you another option: being attracted by fictional men might mean that you just want what they have. As a child I was doing that and only as an adult I realized that I just wanted to be those men because they had all I wanted - WEMEN!
Oh my god yeah. Especially with men in strong/powerful relationships with women - i thought i wanted to be with them, i just wanted to be in their position. huge shift for me
Totally valid! For me it was always male characters who obsessed over women or treated them super amazingly, something that isn’t really possible to acheive irl with men, but reguardless overall I fantasized about how validated I would feel from them liking me, not because I actually really even liked them, I just liked the idea of being worshipped basically😂 too often we confuse attention or validation with love; not at all the same thing. Also often the male characters would behave and do and say things only a women would say/do sometimes I would picture the male characters as female characters & I liked it better lol 😂
I too thought that OF COURSE it’s uncontested that women are more attractive than men. But the only people I asked were straight men and myself so… When I finally asked a straight female friend she actually said no, men are more attractive. Almost like it depends on who you’re attracted to 😂😂 So, yeah, turns out I’m gay. And funny enough I’ve always known that I find girls attractive, that they make me nervous and I want to impress them, I’ve just not known that those were crushes. Guess we can’t compare our own feelings to those of other people around us, we just assume that’s how everybody feels.
Literally I thought every women found women attractive but just didn’t admit it!! I always thought that-I was definitely projecting & as t swift said ‘starring at the sun but not in the mirror’ lol. Everything I did and thought is so obvious to me now
> they make me nervous and I want to impress them Once I sprained my ankle showing off for a girl :P She's actually the only person I've kissed but that was a lot of years ago when we didn't know I'm also a girl. And now she's dropped me as a friend cos she can't handle trans people.
What’s so difficult for me is a lot of the indicators for lesbianism are very similar to intimacy issues in general.I have pretty severe intimacy issues that I’ve recently come to terms with linked with growing up in an emotionally unstable childhood. I’m just so confused if my intimacy issues with men are because I’m suppressed that I’m gay, growing up in a homophobic town and religious family, or if I am in fact bisexual (that I’ve know since teen years) and no matter who I’m with- I will have intimacy issues. Dating men my entire life that were emotionally unavailable and as soon as they weren’t, my attraction would turn off like a switch, and I would find the next unavailable man. Now- in a loving and stable 5 year relationship, I find my thought patterns doing them same thing, and feel that missing feeling. But it’s so hard to figure. Starting to think I will have to date women to figure it out.
I agree. I have intimacy issues related to emotional abuse/neglect in childhood. I relate to a lot of these things, and I've considered the possibility of being a lesbian, but at the end of the day, I still feel strong sexual+romantic attraction to men, and not to women.
YES YES YES 1,000% AGREE! Thank you for putting this into words. The blurred lines between intimacy issues and sexuality isn’t talked about enough. It’s so comforting knowing I’m not alone.
I didn't realize I was queer until I was in my later 20's and I cannot even SAY how relieved I felt when I realized that I didn't have to be attracted to men!! It wasn't even that I suddenly realized that I was attracted to women... that came later but letting myself say "I DON'T WANT TO MARRY A MAN!!" was the most freeing thing in the world 🏳🌈💕
For anyone who does relate to the masterdoc and is questioning their sexuality, just remember that it's also not a definitive 'test' or anything -- how you feel and how you understand yourself is still what matters most! I know it's been really meaningful to some people in helping them to sort through their own sexuality and realize they are a lesbian, and I absolutely celebrate that. Anytime a queer person come to know themselves more authentically, that is a beautiful thing. But also, the person who created the masterdoc was I believe 19 years old at the time, and also later came out as bisexual as they discovered more about themselves. So when engaging with the masterdoc, just know that it's a tool for reflection but not a 'bible'. Not trying to dunk on the doc or anyone who has been helped by it! Just wanted to add this as I think it's important perspective. The experiences described in there aren't exclusive to lesbians, though they can certainly be helpful in thinking through comphet and reflecting on your own relationship to your sexuality!
I remember Alayna’s video after the breakup and realisation that she was a lesbian, it hit hard, I was 28 and had been with my boyfriend for 8yrs. I knew the pain of loss would be agonising and I didn’t want to go through that, the loss of a best friend and that my entire life would change. The guilt consumed me. I loved him in many ways, I constantly battled to understand my feelings and myself, I still do. As Alayna said, many of us feel “something” is missing. I made the hard decision to split this year, the grieving is painful but I promise it gets easier. I still do not understand the complexities and nuance of sexuality, maybe I actually do like men too in some way and that’s still ok. I was recently told that anxiety and pain tells us our body is working and learning - enjoy the process of discovery and know you are never alone! ❤
Seeing you go from the crisis of calling off your engagement to becoming the wise queer elder you are today has been such a joy. I can't imagine it was easy to go through that process so publicly, but you did it so gracefully and I'm sure it's helped so many people. Lots of love to you Alayna ❤
“They like me back and I feel uncomfortable” hits so close to home, but I’m aroace, not lesbian. Honestly there should be the Aro/Ace doc, because it took me such a long time to realize I’m aroace it’s kinda funny (and kinda sad)
Well this video hit a little close to home.. So here's a funny story. When I finally came out to my family aged 29 (3 cheers for comphet) my mum told me she knew all along that I was a lesbian and when I asked how she knew, the first reason she gave was "because you like cats" 🤣 mother, please
So I'm actually ace but a lot of this was very relatable. Comphet really messes with your mind. Also turned out any attraction I thought I had to men was actually just me being trans and wanting to be them. Only took 30+ years to figure it out, thanks society!
I loved this video Alayna, thank you for making it. I also wanted to point out that comphet doesn't just affect allosexuals, asexuality can add a whole nother level to figuring this stuff out. Having no attraction to anyone also does not mean you are broken.
I love you and your content, including this video. I just want to remind people like me who may be worried that they're not "gay enough" that sexuality is a spectrum, and being attracted to more than one gender is valid and far more common than it's made out to be. 🏳️🌈💖
I'm beyond thankful for your videos, I was in a relationship with a man for 7 years. After I started questioning myself, your coming out video is what helped me see I wasn't alone for the first time and I finally allowed myself to break off the relationship and come out as a lesbian. I'm now married to a wonderful woman and happier than I've ever been, past me would have NEVER thought this could have been possible. If anyone else is in a similar situation, trust yourself, you CAN live the life that you really want no matter how impossible it may seem to get there 🥺
This made me cry and then I had an oh shit I might be a Lesbian moment while cooking dinner😂 ... I've identified as bisexual for awhile, but I think I'm starting to understand the complexity of sexual vs. emotional attraction.
Tag transgender on to any instance of the word lesbian, and you have my entire life up to my thirties. It's so amazing how much comp-het can force entire parts of your personality to become walled off from your own consciousness.
I know I only like women, but I wanted to check this out to find more validation.. and the bit about actively pursuing crushes made me cry a bit, because I still feel so much guilt around it. I'm an abuse survivor, and the tendency I had when I was younger of subconsciously pursuing 'crushes', mixed with this tendency to lean towards older men because of my childhood abuse, put me in a lot of awkward situations. My search for masculine role models in my life, as someone who grew up without masculine role models, was all screwed up. Luckily I was around kind leaders who didn't take advantage, but I know I scared them and ruined my friendships with them as fatherly figures. It's nice to understand the reasons why, alongside pursuing therapy and healing. One day, I hope to have a lot of healthy friendships, especially as I learn more about myself. And I've never been able to really articulate this before, definitely progress.
Dude literally same…I was groomed & SAed at 15 by an older guy & it caused me issues for years, & my biological father was extremely abusive & neglectful. I never had a positive male relationship in my life, that paired w society & comp het I realized my relationships with men were always fully about getting validation & love I never received. Or trying to re-enact my trauma subconsciously to seek out a happy ending I didn’t get. Finally at age 25 (I’m now 28) I began to finally admit so many things to myself & realize im not just pan or bi, I’m gay, I also finally got a step father who was a positive figure for me. And any aesthetic attraction towards masculine looks is just because I love masculine/butch women lol. I mean I love all women because I’m here, and I’m queeeeer, hear me roar!!
@@emmabunch-benson4795 Man, hearing about your success really makes me happy. I never really hear others talk about this kinda stuff when it comes to SA, it's so awesome to hear about someone who's found a good figure and has found their own power. That gives me a lot of hope for myself too. Cheers, keep roaring! ♥
@ville1315 This is not okay. Someone is open about their SA experiences. What we all should do is respect and believe them. Not doubt and make unappropriate jokes.
One thing I always knew is, I liked girls. Granted, when I was younger I didn't know what that meant. I just knew that every time boys expressed any interest, I felt disgusted, so I never had a boyfriend. But always felt a huge desire to please women, and to have their affection. That messed with my mind, because I never saw any gay relationships around me, so I didn't know that was a possibility. My family and community was also very religious, they by no means hated gay people, but it wasn't something represented at all. My 20's was a complete internal fight with myself, until I reached 28, that's when I came to terms with the fact that I was in fact gay and all that was the reason I always craved affection from women. So I started my research, read a bunch of books, articles and stumbled with Alayna's channel, which helped me through the process, because I was painfully ignorant of the subject. I started to make gay friends and started my journey toward understanding. I'll be turning 30 soon, still haven't had a relationship yet, with any gender, but I will be patient with myself. At least I am no longer at war with myself.
I love that having already figured out I was lesbian and not bi through your past coming out videos, I could watch this video and just nod my head along. You know, rather than having a crisis over my sexuality. It has been a year since I discovered I’m a lesbian. I used to think being gay would make me so unhappy but on the contrary, accepting this part of myself has made me the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life.
i’m in the same boat ! used to identify as pan but a yr ago i started rly questioning if i’m a lesbian . it hasn’t been easy but i’m so incredibly proud of myself and where i ended up .
It's been a year since I came out as lesbian too :) here's to us! Learning to accept myself for who I truly am and not convincing myself that I am something else, just cause of the relationship I was in at the time, took time but I got there. I'm proud of myself and proud of you guys too :)
I thought I had a stroke when I saw that it was a video about the masterdoc again. I've thought for the longest time that I was bisexual, never doubting my attraction to enbies and women but always doubting if I actually liked men and some months ago, I found your first video about the masterdoc and had another gay crisis and finally realized I was gay. So thanks so much 💞 When I finally realized, I did feel like I got to know myself better
I thought I was a lesbian but turns out I’m just trans and bisexual. I thought me wanting to be man and not actually attracted to them meant I was a lesbian. But I genuinely wanted to be a guy lol.
Your past videos already helped me come to terms with my sexuality, so I was fortunate enough to not need this video now. But I will forever appreciate everything you've done and how it's changed my life in the best way possible. It's been a year.. almost two now.. since I figured out my sexuality thanks to your videos and our similar experiences.. and it makes me so happy to see this video pop up in my feed. I hope it helps others figure out their sexuality aswell! After watching it myself.. even I found myself feeling more confident and certain of my sexuality even though it didn't feel needed. Thank you so much, Alana!
I went to a Catholic grade school, so I didn't know that gay was an option. But when I found out it was a thing, it was very clear to me that was what was happening for me. I'm an Aquarius and give zero sh*ts about what social norms dictate, so I came out at 15. But I'm writing a story about a 35-year-old woman that falls in love with another woman and this is very helpful in understanding what that might be like for someone. Thanks for your vulnerability, Alayna! It's super appreciated!! You're doing good things here, helping a lot of people 💙
Ooh. I want to read that story! Please update us when you finish it! I grew up religious and gay wasn't an option for me either. I didn't want to have sex with men, but didnt want to have sex with women, either, so it didnt even occur to me that *I* could be gay. But I fell in love with a woman when we were 34/35. I still treasure that experience, even if nothing came of it. And that helped me solidify a theory I'd had before that I'm probably homoromantic and asexual. But anyway, as an adult over 30, it's sometimes nice to read stories about people who are close to my age. You know, rather than more common stories about people who are 15-25. 😅
Alayna, your figuring out you were gay journey is literally a mirror image of mine. I went through the exact same thing being with a man for 7 years and thinking about getting married but feeling there was something missing in my life and all along I had these crushes on girls/thinking about girls and were just thinking that was normal and what all girls did. I have only had the one relationship with a man and dated women ever since. I am now happily married to a woman and we have a beautiful daughter. To everyone out there thinking you might be a lesbian - please don't stop yourself from feeling what you are feeling and just go out there and figure out who you are. You don't even have to label it. Just don't stay in a relationship that is not healthy just because you feel it is the right thing to do and don't want to hurt the other person because you are not sure if you are gay or not. You deserve so much more.
@Ville When I look at a good looking person I recognize that they are good looking but I don't (or extremely rarely) feel or desire to have sexual interactions with them. Where as someone who does experience sexual attraction will look at the same person, and much more likely than I, want sexual interactions with them. This can be compared to the other forms of attraction too, but I used sexual because that is what people more commonly bring to mind when "attraction" is brought up. PS: I have never actually tried to explain this before hahaha, so I have no idea if this is a good explanation or not
Alayna, what you're doing here is so important. I don't have many queer women in my life, and the ones I do have, I don't feel comfortable asking questions or talking to them about my queerness. I've had a lot of trouble figuring out my sexuality and your videos are one of the most majorly helpful things I've come across. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I feel less alone because of you.
Im not sure If I already commented this on your first video, but your video about the lesbian masterdoc actually made me realize that I'm gay and not bi from one second to another and I just wanted to thank you for helping me out on my journey to find myself, because I really don't know how long I would have taken me to figure this out, if you hadn't helped me.
This has helped me so much figuring myself out. I feel confident enough to come out to my parents soon, so thank you so much for being my queer role model through my questioning. I love your videos! ❤️
Alayna, I can't thank you enough for sharing your ✨journey✨ with us on here. You've been such a huge part of my own self-discovery ✨journey✨ that I will be eternally grateful to you for this. Through you I learned about comp-het, about the masterdoc, I related to your story, especially to the thinking I was bisexual for years... Your videos have been an immense help for me to get more comfortable with the thought that I might not be part of the letter B in LGBTQIA+, but instead part of the letter L. I always kinda knew I was a part of this community, but I wasn't really aware which part and I was also absolutely terrified to find out. I'm still scared. I watched so many videos with the title "How to know if you are gay", I read the lesbian masterdoc after your first video about it and watched videos about the doc, I still constantly question it... even though I feel like deep down I already know the answer, but can not fully admit it yet...? I even came out to my friends with the line "I'm like 80% sure I'm gay". Next time, I'd say 85%. The next time after that I'd say 90% and so on. But still I watch these videos to finally "find out" for real. I don't want to invalidate bisexual people at all with this, but to me, being bi kind of felt like the safer and more commonly accepted option, I think. To be fully gay just scared me and I was also afraid of the thoughts of some of the people close to me. Like, as long as I'm bi, there's still the option of ending up with a man and being "normal" and not judged. If I'm gay, this "safe" option just disappears. For me and the people in my life that I love and that love me. Anyway, sorry for this whole novel I wrote here, I am just still not at the end of my ✨journey✨, but I wanted to thank you for sending me on that ✨journey✨, for helping me through it with your content and for being the strong, shining inspiration that you are. Also thank you for creating a community that feels like a safe space in your corner of the internet here. I would love to see a video from you about dealing with homophobia and even more importantly, about the huge fear of homophobia that can lead to avoiding coming out altogether, just because you're so afraid to be potentially attacked, even when you live in a country that is relatively safe for the LGBTQIA+ community. Where I live it is quite safe and gay marriage is legal, but I'm still struggling with this fear a lot. Would love to hear your thoughts or experiences about this, if you feel comfortable talking about it, of course. If you read all this, thank you and I hope you have an amazing, beautiful day! ❤️🌈✨
A very insightful video! And as a Pan/Bi person, I want to thank you for adding one point that most others who discuss the idea of comphet and the masterdoc simply do not. That being - bisexuality, attraction to multiple/all genders, and attraction to non-binary people are all as valid as being a lesbian. Most who address these topics do so with the implicit bias that because they examined themselves through the lens of deconstructing comphet and relaized that they are lesbians, that such is the only correct answer for anyone and everyone. You are the one lesbian thus far who has presented this information and even so much as hinted that going through this process of soul-searching and having hetro attraction at the end of the day is okay and valid. Thank you for that.
I think I was getting to my “oh shit” point with comp het but was somehow lucky enough for that to coincide with my partner of 8 years coming out to me as a trans woman. The whole “I like women and exactly one man” thing sort of just turned into “welp… women it is!” The “exception” of our love was suddenly simplified and we both feel so liberated.
I've known I'm a lesbian for over a decade, but I still gained so much from reading the master doc. So many self realizations I had years ago were mentioned, and others I hadn't realized yet about myself too. I live in good ole cousin lovin' Alabama and don't know many other masc lesbians, so I've had to work a lot of this comhet stuff out myself. Thanks for this video Alayna, it's just good to feel "not alone" lol
Well this video has been uploaded just in time for me... I identified as bi and last year I realized I didn't want heterosexual relationship anymore. I didn't came to the conclusion that I was a lesbian though... Recently I felt attractive to a man who were into me and even though I knew I didn't want a relationship at the time I considered and lively imagined it. That was great until it came so real that I got anxious and I became a little distant with him. He then said he wasn't interested anymore before I said it for myself and somehow now that he's not interested anymore I feel like I am. This video made me realize that there is a huge probability that I was just experiencing comphet. And I am a lesbian. Thank you Alayna!
"I cannot spend this long on each question or we're going to be here for an hour" Alayna, we are BEGGING you to talk this long and let us be with you for that hour. You are a lovely insight and we follow you for a reason. Please release director's cuts of these chats *Laughing Emoji*
I really relate to a lot of what you said, though for me it's the other way around as a gay guy. The old video on the Masterdoc actually helped me quite a lot when I was still figuring out if I was gay or bi (I identified as bi at the time), which was all only half a year ago, though I already feel much better since knowing I am, in fact, gay.
this girl is the reason i am feeling more and more confident about being a lesbian. she is the representation that i have needed all my life. thank you ❤
i’ve already read the master doc and identify as sapphic myself, but it’s really fun to watch you go through this and see how similar a lot of our, the community’s, queer experiences are. i love hearing about your journey, i love you, love your content, thanks for being a fun and safe space for us all:))💛
As a 27 year old Bisexual/Pansexual, I find some of these relate to me but also some don’t. Like I definitely feel the comp het at times, but I also feel genuine attraction to men beyond the desire to be liked or seen well by the male gaze. It’s just weird cause unfortunately less men for me are attractive because of misogyny and how many men kinda suck because of so toxic masculinity, but the attraction is there regardless. It’s just easier to find women who are attractive because they don’t have that same toxicity from that base level. Anyone else feel this?
I actually relate to that. I meant for sure that i could easily date women, but what am i suppose to do that i found myself actually attracted and want to be happy together with men? ( and surprisingly it's not comp-het ) lmao? Yeah, it's very sucks because i live in a mysogynistic/patriarchy/toxic masculinity society so i kinda found myself actually heartbroken when they said/done something questionable. :/
I think that’s why I’m here. I’m attracted to men and have genuinely wanted a committed, monogamous relationship with one, which sounds very traditional, yes. But most men my age (early 40’s) are woefully emotionally immature. To the point where I just find it next to impossible to escape this toxic masculinity and the ineptitude of most men to reciprocate in relationship. I hear the same complaints from a lot of women who want love with men but find their level of immaturity to be a real problem! I’ve been told if I want warmth, understanding, empathy, I should probably look elsewhere besides men. I wish I wasn’t attracted to them, to be quite honest.
I found your coming out video 2 months ago, and it changed my life Alayna. I knew I liked women, but I never gave myself the possibility to live my life as a lesbian. Your videos were my final push, to break up with my long term relationship, and plan a future for myself.
I'm realizing at the moment I had never thanked you for posting your first vid about the Am I a lesbian masterdoc a few years ago. I'd like to thank you now cause one of the main reasons I can finally tell, at 'only' 19 and for around 2 years, that I actually am a lesbian (and probably not bi) is you sharing this with us. I know how lucky I am to be this confident about who I am being so young and this is greatly thank to you Alayna. I'm very grateful.Thank you so much
For years I wondered why nearly every woman I had an interest or crush on just happened to be lesbian. I was always polite and understanding, but in the back of my mind I wondered what was happening. Fast forward like 10 years and the thought occurs to me for completely unrelated reasons that I might be transgender. Full internalized transphobia, all the cliche doubts and fears, etc. But then I went on r/egg_irl and holy crap it clicked. Then after a few days I remembered back to my crushes and BAM! Everything in my life made sense.
I've already read the masterdoc at least 3 times lmao. First when I started wondering if I was bi and now (at 30) I know that I'm definitely more attracted to woman and nonbinary folks, I'm getting into it again, cause men actually kinda repulse sometimes but I still somehow can't let go of the idea that maybe somewhere underneath there's still some attraction to men, comphet is so wild. But I feel like I am getting more and more comfortable with the idea that I actually might be a lesbian/sapphic while also (probably? or do I think that because men?) on the ace spectrum. Also, I'm nonbinary and that makes labeling even more complicated. But video's like these definitely help, so thank you!
I never questioned it at all until I had been so badly damaged in emotionally (and sexually) abusive relationships with men. I don’t feel safe with them anymore. 😞 It’s almost like I want to convince myself I’m gay so that I can find safety (maybe). Women never sexually abused me. Maybe I could make it work with a woman. Men seem to hate me. Or maybe I hate them. I don’t even know anymore.
21:35 This is actually what made me realize I’m nonbinary, weirdly enough. I would get into arguments with people about gender, and I would get super heated about it. I just chalked it up to “my friends are nonbinary, so that’s why I’m so mad”. Nope. I also was mad because I felt insulted. Because I am also nonbinary.
Thanks for making such an important video once again on compulsory heterosexuality. Watching your video you did a year ago reacting to the lesbian masterdoc was super life-changing for me and made me realize a lot of things about myself that I didn't know before. Although it's been 5 years since I've realized I was queer, I have found that I still deal with a lot of internalized homophobia because of the homophobic environment I grew up in and many of those beliefs are still somehow instilled in me to this day. I was wondering if you could make a video speaking on internalized homophobia if you've ever dealt with it. Thanks Alayna! Your videos are truly the best!
Alayna, I deeply appreciate this video. If only I had access to this when I struggled all through my 20's (I too came out at 28!) I was grappling with this at a time in society where it was dangerous to come out (1980's), so I fell into "comp het" activity and drank alcoholically and abused drugs to cope with what I knew was the truth inside of me. You will be helping so many!!!!
This master doc BLEW MY MIND and really helped to jumpstart my first feelings of validation in questioning my sexuality. I’m so glad you shared this and incorporated your experience! Relate to this 10000%
I know you posted this video six months ago. But it took me until now to be brave enough to watch it. I knew I would relate too hard and I wasn’t ready for the emotional fallout. Here I am…I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years because I don’t want to be with a man. It hurts so much, but I’m finally watching this video and getting some comfort from knowing that I am not alone in this. ❤.
I just want to listen to your summary at 25:25 again and again, thank you. The feeling that there's a little voice in the back of my head saying "you chose this life and you're happy with it, right?" is so, so, relatable. To the other gender confused people out there I'd like to say: "You can be trans *if you want to*".
A lot of this is really relatable if you're aspec too; it's just not specific to men. Especially the deciding which people to be attracted to based off an impossible list of standards and the discomfort the moment it goes from attention to an interaction. Also the lack of difference between friendships and crushes.
Alayna I was like check check check to everything! I always said I was bi or pan my whole life but reading this document many years ago & learning about all these things I realized deep down I’ve just been a lesbian since literally the beginning, since middle school lol. I feel like my life is only just starting for many reasons, including understanding my sexuality. God I love being gay 😂
yusss I remember watching your first masterdoc video and now I have the document pinned as one of my primary bookmarks... you never know when you might need guidance in a sudden crisis of sexuality
As someone who identifies as asexual this video (and the Lesbian masterdoc) is sooo affirming. I relate to almost everything that is mentioned, but when I try to picture a woman/non-binary person in the position of the man I still feel nothing/feel detached. Sorry in advance, this is probably going to be a very long post since have a lot to say about this topic. - 'Attraction is supposed to feel good'. As someone who has always tried to force herself to feel attracted towards people this one hits hard. Attraction isn't something you are supposed to force yourself into. Me trying to make lists of all the reasons why someone is an okay person and therefor I should be attracted to them is such a huge sign that I'm ace. You don't have to force a feeling of attraction towards someone upon yourself, it's okay if that feeling just isnt there. - 'Being seen as attractive (by men) is enjoyable'. Just like Alayna, I'm socially raised as a woman and have always seen the message in society that I'm worth more if man find me attractive. On top of that, I've a huge history of being bullied and called ugly by strangers as well as people in my life. I can't count the number of times people told me to work on improving my appearance because the way I looked made me not valuable/worthy of respect. These things shape you as a person, so it makes sense that you enjoy getting positive attention (especially from men). This however does not mean that I am attracted to them, or that I want to pursue them in any way, shape or form. - 'Aesthetic attraction' . I wish more people would start using this word! Personally, I tend to find a lot of women very aesthetically pleasing. I can look at pictures/videos of them and continuously think 'Wow, they are so pretty', however this (for me) does not mean I want to have sex with them. I can look at a painting for hours and think it's so gorgeous without wanting to bang it, the same goes for people. - 'The more realistic the fantasy, the less into the fantasy I become'. Without oversharing too much, this is me to a T. Whenever I try to fantasize about any kind of sexual experience, the closer it gets to becoming physical, the less interested I become. Same with porn or romantic movies, I enjoy the whole building tension but as soon as it gets physical, I lose all interest and I'll often get turned off by it. - 'You wish you were a lesbian'. I have spent numerous nights crying in bed, wishing I could "just be gay" because that would mean I was at least attracted to someone. I know this is not exactly the point the masterdoc is making here, but I still wanted to mention it because, man have I spend many a tear over this. - 'worrying you can't be 100% sure' Oof do I relate. Till this day that voice in my head won't shut up, but you just have to keep reminding yourself that in this moment, for this week/day/hour/month you aren't experiencing any kind of sexual attraction and that's okay. You are allowed to change your mind in the future, that doesn't mean that your feelings now are any less valid
Aroace here too- I identify 100% with almost everything that you wrote and it was really affirming reading your comment. Thank you for sharing your experience! You are definitely not alone in this
I'm a demisexual lesbian so I have the "fun" of only falling for girls I'm already close to. So that was interesting to try to figure out. But if I'm not close to anyone? I don't actually want to get closer to anyone. Which is weird as heck. But I get the struggle of not knowing why you do or don't feel stuff. And the whole looking at someone and just wanting them? What the heck is up with that? Why does that even happen. You don't know them. A pretty face is just pretty. So strange. Suffice to say, watching other people get crushes is weird. And when I do? Half the time someone else has to tell me that I have a crush. And that doesn't even get into my ability to notice other's liking me. (Or not noticing ever) Anyway, we are here and also count as queer so whatever label you want you can use.
Gosh as an biromantic asexual who realised they're also demiromantic this year, I relate to the majority of what you've written! You've said it so much better than I would've so thanks for putting it all in words! ♠️
I know that I’m most likely a lesbian but I’m just scared to label myself as one because I’m scared that I might one day end up with a guy. I feel most comfortable with the label lesbian, not bi, etc.. but I just don’t want to come out to people and then potentially, not likely date a guy. I also kinda just wish I was straight haha, I’m in a way most comfortable with lesbian but not at the same time. It’s confusing
As someone who currently identify as non-binary lesbian, i went through a similar thing just sort of different? Idk hahaha anyways! I sorta felt more connected to label bisexual or queer despite i do find myself kinda attracted (?) towards girls/women even experiencing dating them. But everytime i found myself 'attracted' towards guys, my mind just told me "it's a compulsory heterosexuality" lmao, i might want to add that most of my guy crushes lately are fictional men ( but there are times where i actually find myself i'm attracted to actual guy, but still, i assume it's ✨comp-het✨ ). Since i haven't had any vision/blurry future what my life would be if i ever get together with a guyㅡyet i somehow still can picture myself ended up with guy though. One thing, I can only wish now is to wish to be back as heterosexual again :/ questioning your sexuality, living in a conservative country where homophobia are everywhere, pride month and LGBTQ+ considered criminal/sin, and last but not least *comp-het* silently suffocate me a lot in inside.
Everyday I’m like ‘I think I’m gay’ then not doing anything about it. I also pursue men then absolutely do not want anything to do with them. I thought it was because I was broken. I’m sexually attracted to men but I don’t want to be in another relationship with one. I’m a single mum and so freaking confused but this video was super validating so thanks! ❤
I loved your additional notes on inclusivity and explaining the document :) The first time I found this document was really confusing but you helped to clear a lot of that up💕
judging by how excited i was watching Alayna talk about her pasties and not touching them...i'm guessing not gay but Loved Alana since her "bisexual" video days and i'm just on that ride with you gal. Love the videos the podcast etc
There were some interesting ideas here that I haven't considered before. I'm 26 and I've known I like girls since I was 15, and for a long time I've considered myself bi with a preference towards women. Tbh I don't really get interested in men I meet IRL, but sometimes there are male celebrities who I feel attraction towards. Not very many though. Currently I have like 2, maybe 3 male celebs who I think are attractive. With one of them, I really like his arms a lot. I know all of those men are unattainable though, and I feel like realistically I wouldn't actually date them if I had a chance. So now I'm questioning if I'm actually attracted to them or not lol. It's confusing.
Right & you can find men physically attractive and still be gay! Some men I do find physically attractive-few & far between but I’m turned off the moment they open their mouths 😂no but really I’m not attracted to the idea of a relationship w men, (literal nightmare for me) or to their personalities, or who they are; I want to create a life w a woman, be with women for every reason, on every realm, my literal dream, & that’s why I’m gay. Also even if you find a man attractive in general (hasn’t really happened for me) but if you do, guess what; you can still choose to prioritize relationships with women, you can still be gay, because you don’t actually want to be with men in the end, even if there’s one you might feel attracted to, being with women ultimately feels like home you get to decide who you are, not attractions, or past relationships, or anyone else-you!! Also being bi or pan is super valid-for me I realized I wasn’t actually those things but many people are
Damn girl when you say that realizing that you're gay has opened up the world and made you feel so happy and everything you said oh man they're my exact words or exact way that I feel I just in like you I tried to talk myself out of it say I wasn't that way in it has opened a whole new world like you said in I wouldn't want anything any different!!! Love you LoTs and LoTs from your Sister Kenzie!! 🏳️⚧️🦄🏳️⚧️🦄🏳️⚧️ So Very Happy And Proud Of Myself And Glad I Didn't Listen To My Thoughts Because I Couldn't Be Happier!!!! 😘😘😘😘😘
After about a year of EMDR therapy, I realized and then came out as bisexual in March of 2022 (33 yrs old) and your content has brought me so much joy, laughter, meaning and insight. I could write this on almost any video you post ☺️, just wanted to share my gratitude for all that you’ve shared. I relate to sooo much of it. Grateful I found you and the whole chosen family crew to help guide me through what is so far the most exciting and scary time of my life. ❤
I gotta say. I watched your video two and a half years ago. Then I read the masterdoc, and it significantly changed my life. Thank you very much for starting me on the path to finding myself. ❤
Woah Alayna ,that point about discerning between desiring and being desired is major! That hit me in a way I can't really articulate right now but I just wanted to thank you for how you've explained things here..very relatable and light bulby
I knew I was gay when I was ten years old. However, I did not come out until I was 24 years old. I was never attracted to men, but felt I had to date men. I finally met other lesbians, and that was the beginning of my gay journey. I'm so happy for it and for being my true self.
A few RU-vidrs pointed me to your first comp-het video and it, quite literally, changed my life. All of a sudden, so much of my life made sense. So much of your story was the same as mine and it was so validating to hear it. Thank you 💗.
I’m engaged to a man. And I am panicking over our wedding next year. I hate basically every straight relationship I’ve ever seen, and I do like male approval, but when it comes to getting close I don’t feel anything or just feel cringe. I love my fiancé, but I give in whenever he wants things, and almost don’t feel like my own person. He knows all this about me, including that I’ve liked women way before men, and says that I can’t be lesbian and can only be bisexual because I chose a man to marry. I also financially will have a hard time living on my own which scares me, even though I have a career. He’s also done so much for me and my family loves him, his family loves me, and he’s put money into me (that I didn’t ask for btw) and his family and mine have put so much into our wedding next year, that I feel too guilty leaving. I’m lost since I want him to be happy forever, and it hurts me hurting him. Everything you said and read I’ve gone through, especially with liking fictional men and hating what real men are like. I’m 21 and he’s 24, so I’m still young too.
i- okay... this hits home, i relate to this so much its terrifying 😭😭 i think i might be lesbian. i always thought i was bi who leans more into women... but this this made me questions my sexuality.
@Ville That was the problem. i always say "men are hot" but then don't date them. and when i do date them i really don't feel good about it, no matter how unproblematic the relationship is i don't feel happy with them. but when im with a woman its different i see myself marrying them being happy with them but with men i just don't see that.
@Ville With me being in a homophobic household its always engraved into my brain that "You must date men" i think it was internalized homophobia that made me "want" to date men.
I think that I found your original video right when I was coming to accept my sexuality. Three years later and I am more sure than ever that I made the right decision. I live with that wrong feeling since my very earliest memory. I came out to the first few people shortly before I turned 38. It fixed my brain in so many ways i never thought possible. I feel at home in my body. I have my visual imagination back. I can listen to music again, something that I had not done in almost 10 years. Coming out and accepting my self was the kindest thing I have ever done for myself.
@Ville If the alloromantic and allosexual partner does not wish to be in a relationship with an aromantic, asexual person then they don't have to. It's about communicating what you do and don't want in your relationship and whether both partners are happy. Some aroace people are romance and sex repulsed, some are indifferent/neutral and some are favourable. That's a discussion to be had between partners/potential partners. There are aro, ace or aroace people in relationships with alloromantic allosexuals that work well. It depends on the people involved. 😊
There were 2 big things I realized after I came out that younger me used to do that screamed "gay" 1) if the topic of sexuality ever came up, I always felt uncomfortable and weirdly defensive about the fact that "I'm not gay". 2) I realized that the only guys I was "attracted" to were guys that one of my friends mentioned was attractive.
I’m 41 and came out as bi 10 years ago and as gay 2 years ago. Got married last month to my wonderful wife and this video hits some points that I could easily be the one writing this document. I wish wifey spoke English so I could show her your video and it would make some discussions we have about me struggling with life/relationships in general … well… it would be way easier. 😅 Thank you for this video. ❤
alayna thank you so much for revisiting this topic! i feel so much growth from you from the first time you talked about the lesbian master doc. thank you ❤
I think it's great that you're talking about this and that it helped you, but I think critiques if the master doc (like Verity Ritchie's videos) are also valuable. They also contextualize the discussion the document is having in the history of the term compulsory heterosexuality.
I found out that i am a lesbian recently, and wanted to have some support on this curious journey. Thank you very much! I feel so fulfilled and content with who i am now 💙
I have known I was a lesbian for a while. But I was way too insecure to tell anyone for a while. And I constantly doubted myself before this for a while. And I thought that if I admitted a haircut looked good on a guy I was less gay and every lesbian would hate me
I’m queer and wow was this video so validating and comforting. I’ve done a lot of self-reflection since coming to terms with my queer identity and while I am still navigating my attraction to men and trying to understand what that looks like for me now, so many of the points in this video resonated with me. Thank you for making this Alayna, your videos always help more than you’ll even know ♥️
The fact that this document read me like a book. Especially the part of being an incredibly passionate ally 😂. I used to break down whenever someone would disagree about gay rights, and I was 12 at the time. How the hell did I not know I was a lesbian for 20 years?
It's so lovely coming back to this video after having watched your first lesbian masterdoc video years ago now and it having helped me realise I'm a lesbian. It's so reassuring as recently so much has been influx for me, so thankyou Alayna. These videos mean alot :) x
Having watched the first one, having followed you through a good part of this 🌟journey🌟 and seeing how happy, confident and fulfilled you are now brings me such joy and so so much hope... Don't even know what else to say other than: thank you, so much!💖
Interesting running through this as a bi (but gay-leaning) trans man. Growing up as a girl, I felt the pressure of comp het and rejected it strongly. I was vocally anti-marriage, anti-babies, and anti-dating boys from ages 9-15. I ended up dating a guy for 1.5 years in high school and once we broke up, I got over it really quickly. I also took every opportunity to be the more masculine person in that relationship lol. But now as a trans man, I love the idea of marriage and spending my life with a man (though I am still in the child-free camp) and all of those traditional milestones seem nice.
It's not just compulsory heterosexuality, it's compulsory sexuality, in that we're taught that a relationship is the ideal and desired state. I'm not saying that we should necessarily consider asexuality (even though it's a perfectly valid), I'm saying that we gloss over the importance of being comfortable and happy alone. So many "ideals" in our Western experience are focused on life being a goal oriented activity, not a state of being.
Some of the content itself applied, but not all of it. I am bisexual, so maybe that's why. But your monologue at the end is what really hit me. The pretending this was what I wanted, pretending I didn't feel broken, etc. I came out a few months before turning 29, but feeling truly happy in myself and my identity is LITERAL MAGIC compared to CompHet. Love this video!
