Stepparenting Do's & Don'ts 

For additional information on stepfamily Dos and Don'ts: www.familylife.com/articles/topics/blended-family/stepparents/stepparenting-skills/stepparenting-discipline-dos-and-donts/

The person with the least invested in the relationship holds the most power. That was a nugget of wisdom. Wife and I were able to discuss this with the dynamics in our blended family.

There's only one don't. Don't be a stepparent.

I like number 1. Worked for my husband and I. He is the other dad as Im not sure I like the 'step' label. My husband created a wonderful relationship with the biological father. I also created that togetherness and support with the other mother. We parents constantly collaborated with each other to create a loving, wonderful, strong family unit.

I don't think anyone understands the pain of the stepchild. As a stepchild myself, I can give you some tips and advice. First I wanna tell you that stepkids feel as if their biological parent is being replaced. They can't stand seeing their parents kiss hug or flirt with another person. So here is the advice. Do give them attention and tell them you love them very often. The child will therefor feel comfortable around you and not feel shy or feel any hate and jealousy toward you. Treat them as if they were your Owen child. Don't tell them you are better than their biological parent, they should actually realize that themselves. If they don't, give them more love and attention. Don't force them to call you mom or dad. Some people need time. A lot of time to get used to you first. Most childrens biological father or mother perhaps, were never there for them which is why you need to play that role in their lives, everyone needs that kind of attention in their lives. At first they may be mean to you and won't even speak to you, but that is because they aren't yet over the fact that their biological parents aren't together anymore. The thing is, as soon as their parents divorce, they will immediately feel sorry for the parent that didn't get custody. Or sometime for the parent who takes custody. If your stepchild does that, let them. It's their right to feel any way to anyone.

I have several kids, bio dad chooses to have no contact with me or the kids, been married to my sweetheart (SW) almost a year. Kids lived with bio for a year, now live solely with me and SW. They love SW, already see how much more normal/stable he is than bio. They try to do what we ask, but we are tightening up things that bio let slide (he let them sleep in their clothes, drop food and trash everywhere, just negligent). SW is trying to help me reteach the kids the appropriate limits and skills I had been trying to foster. I love that he's invested and wants to help. Where I am struggling is SW comes to me and asks why so and so left something on the floor/on the table/left a task undone, to which I have no idea because I was in a different room or outside and didn't see the kid do it/not do it, and then I go find the kid and ask them to fix what they did/didn't do. He sometimes will ask the kids directly, but mostly asks me, and I don't know why the kid flubbed it and don't like "being sent" every time to solve it. He does this because I have way more parenting experience, and he'd rather I solve the issue my way. Ok great, but I feel like this is a horrible dynamic bordering on something unhealthy, but I don't know what to replace it with, and it's putting me on edge. Is there a better way??

I love the title comment! For our family...my bonus children called me mom. Their birth mom didn’t like that. So them got to pick the name they wanted which was Twinkle.

thank you my step children wanted to call me mommy and i told them to call me aunty out of respect for their mom and also because i was fearful that one day they we might get into an argument and they might say ' u are not my mother" and it might break my heart

I'm living in South Carolina. Fascinating how I just stumbled across your show. Ron, I am presently getting a life group together at my church, using your material "The Smart Stepfamily".

I feel that some step parents that come into the picture don't have an understanding that they are walking into their partner's biological child's world. Not the other way around, and that you should work on getting to know them and having them trust you. it's all about your approach from day one. if from the beginning you come off demanding controlling and disciplining a child that is not your kid then yes that's never going to happen at all and the biological parent depending on where they mindset is placed, will either go along with an unhealthy relationship knowing that this person is not being healthy towards your child or do the right thing and do what is best for their biological children because your kids can't be replaced Partners can. I'm speaking as a parent and having a man in my life that wasn't the biological father of my two sons. I have a daughter with him and he's great with our daughter but it's way different when it's your own child and when it's another person's kid. He has tried to make the relationship better between them, but I feel it's a little bit too late. only because It had to be done early on from the moment he met my sons when they were 6 and 8 years old. I was always in the middle and I hated it so much. I couldn't stand it. I was most annoyed when I express what I thought and felt regarding my biological kids it was somehow wrong and it was always judged. now they are 15 and 17 it's way harder now. it's impossible to unscramble scrambled eggs.

The number one rule for any single parent (widowed or divorced) that brings their kids into a blended household, is that their new partner must treat them as members of the family and to never be treated differently. But if the new partner refuses to be nice towards them, you have 2 options, you could either A, give them an ultimatum (such as working things out) or B get out of the relationship at once because your parental duties are your #1 responsibility.

You are the only one on RU-vid who made perfect sense to me. I wonder if you have books that I can read and benefit from on this matter. I am a stepmom to be and I am very much worrierd about my stepson (11 years old) wellbeing especially that he lost his mom at the age of 4. He is a happy kid and I don't want to miss his life up.

God Bless you & your powerful Ministry Here in Ma I’ve seen your sermon @ Calvary Christian Church Lynnfield this past Sunday. Powerful. Thank you 🙏 &Yes I’m a step father

I read read your book Smart Stepdad. I felt after reading it. Then I probably tried too much to be the “stepdad” and ruined the relationship with my stepson The disrespect starts happening and all hell is loose in my house. I have some work cut out. I’ll continue to follow and learn from you.

My dad was a wonderful dad to my step-sister and a top-notch grandad to her kids. While at the same time he was a distant uncle-like figure to me and barely saw my children (his biological grandchildren). He always put his wife and her daughter first. It still hurts. I lost him long before he died. My mother married a man you wouldn't want near children, so I no longer see her either. I recently lost my partner to cancer. I will never have another relationship - I don't want a step parent for my daughters. My kids are for life. I don't want anyone coming between us.

How do you deal with it when the step child and your biological child are held to different standard

1: do’s….DO not do it. 2: Don’ts . Don’t do it. That is all. Thank you.

Ok as a biological father I've been separated from my kids mom for the past 10yrs. Within a year she met her current bf over that time they've become the family she's wanted to have as much as I respectful of him being involved in my kids life. Mom X automatically made him DAD. Simply because of how he can pay the bills and do the extras ( the activities: being involved with his sports she wants him to do , family vacations and having everyone we know praising him for what they've done for my kid. Not saying I am not involved or don't do for my kid, but I make far less of an income than they do. He's also bought them a couple of cars,a home and 3 different vacations. One to Disney world because my X wanted to make sure he went to Disney World. I'm not a jealous person person I'm happy with my kid having these experiences that I never had. & there's times he'll listen to them especially if I'm around than me like they over ride what I tell him. I've learned to be civil and not saying alot because when I did it was created more problems than it was solving. My kids going to be a teenager soon to this point with the relationship I've got with him its been ok with not alot of problems ( I do get push ack him saying mom or her bf he doesn't have to listen etc) any suggestions how to continuing to move forward how do I bring in a dating relationship or should I wait until my kids 18???

The only do to bei G a stepfather is don't. Don't do it. Especially if u don't have a kid urself. Dating is already hard enough. Now u wanna add a new layer of complexity to the relationship.

I came into my fiance family 3 years ago. His daughter was 8 and his son was 4 I have known there dad for a long time. But we just started dating in 2020 but now things are starting to get a bit rocky I am dealing with his x wife. I learned I have bpd and I am going to counseling for that I am watching videos and reading books on trying to help this all get better I really injoyed your video.

One big recommendation I can make is off experience. My mom had a daughter from a past relationship, and prior to my parent's marriage they both lived with my grandmother, where the daughter was basically allowed to get away with everything and anything. My parents had known each other on and off for years, and dated for only two months before getting married. My father grew up in a very strict Irish Catholic household, and he and my half-sister were like oil and water. It finally reached a point when my half-sister didn't get her own way, everybody paid the price (i.e., making false claims that my father molested her and that my mother was beating her). When all was said and done, my half-sister went to live with my grandmother Long story short, my parents have now been married for 36 years, and I haven't spoken to my half-sister in 29 years. Word of advice for prospective step-parents. TAKE IT SLOW!

Some people advise the step-parent to treat the step-child like their own, while others advise that it is not the step-parents role to "parent". I don't understand anymore...

The Do's: Do avoid being a step parent The Dont's: Don't be a step parent

Thank you for sharing, i grew up in a blended family its the opposite mum(step mum) never loved, appreciated and thought of us as people with a future so we got less of attention and good treatment but instead, we loved for her because of Dad and i personally knew i had a future so i had to do what i had to, to go school and enjoy life and am a dad and trying my best to be a good dad avoiding my kids to go through what i want through. All parents should know that everyone has a life so in striving to establish a good relationship we help these children to be responsible and good parents in future. I think the first is accept that you will be with those kids provided you will be staying with their father/mother.

Hello my name is Anthony and I am having the most difficult time trying to be a step father

I wish I could get support from my fiancé with his, his can never do anything wrong in his eyes. The boy has no discipline, he expects is 9 yo to sleep in the same bed with us. He never has time for me but he wants to force me to be a mom to the kid when we are struggling with our relationship. All he cares about is me being there for his kid.

When making sure the biological has the step parents back... What if the bio parent doesn't agree with the step parents choices?

What this man fails to mention you cannot discipline a child you do not love! Most steps just want control. You will lose your child they will grow up and resent you and realize if anything happens to them they cannot go to the biological parent because you will tell everything to the outsider, no relationship can develop. The child knows that this person does not love me.

I have an adult step daughter with 2 toddlers and is always leaving her fiance and going back to him and it disrupts our home . My husband and I get into major arguments about this same issue over and over. I'm tired and do not want her to move in with us.

5 years later but first time watching it anyways raised in Chicago now reside in Florida but born in Argentina.

What about the bio parent that engages in guilt parenting because he doesn't have custody. Ex: He doesn't like setting any rules or boundaries and he is easily offended.

Listening from Edmonton Alberta Canada

San Julian Jalisco Mexico!! I LOVE you're videos. Tank you!!

What do I do when mom says I'm nobody I'm not playing mom I'm just there for her and clean her messes

From Cali with my non traditional family

Step 4 excellent advice. Should be top of the list

Saludos, desde Puerto Rico. Thank you for sharing knowledge and understanding.

Wisconsin

Really great! So balanced

I am watching from New York City.

What about if you feel like you're just a tool? Like... no matter what approach you take, it always ends in the kid "throwing a tantrum" and the bio parent automatically takes the kids side? I'm starting to feel... used. Like I'm only here to provide and that's it. With another kid on the way (that is my biological child), I'm beyond frustrated with being told how I HAVE to parent.

Thankyou

I'm from.Labrrador csnada

What do you when your husband keeps on telling you that you can't do this or that because the child is not your biological

Guyana , south America

I'm trying as a stepfather. My stepchildren live with little to no rules or discipline. My main issue is having them lock the doors at night because I'm first in bed for work. I can't do it myself. I figure if I can't make any rules at least lock the door. How do I get this accomplished when no one cares including my spouse and not get angry?

Excellent video.

After My father and mother divorced my twin sister and I were the center of attention all ourlivesthen we were treated like yesterday's laundry by both when they both remarried in my mother's cases she remarried twice and her second spouse only married her when she got cancer and done secretly and her spouse didn't even try to be civil to us and slowly even turned her against us after my mother betrayed us over him my sister suffered a massive heart attack soon after its been horrible from the moment we met the man!

How can you get the step parent to listen to the step child instead of shutting them down and

Hi, I am Spanish

What to do when the real parent is to much of a friend so the kids are to grown to be kids

And what happens if the back up is not there?

I’m at the brick wall phase with a 19yr old. Wish I had listened to this before living with my new partner.

It's hard to hear you.

Great advice

Great advise! Children often expect mom to pay for all expenses rather than ask biological parent Dad. Step dads are not financially responsible right?

Tennessee

Stepfather took over everything and I felt all I did was run around and put out fires he started. Protected my child So much so that I had no energy for anything else. I became a drinker to cope. Got divorced. Now my daughter moved in with him. He did not adopt her and has no legal rights. he has done a 180 and let’s her live there without any chores, consequences. He does not communicate. He lies and is a covert narcissist who is trying to take over my daughter. Stopped drinking but she still isn’t coming home. Ugh. Any advice?

Make it easier on the mom, yourself and the kids Don't start a family with a single mom. The exception isn't the rule. Stay away from them. Every one's life will get worse

As a step father my gf kid didn't have a bedtime, used to hit her had no respect , manners extremely disobedient she used to have mental breakdowns everyday ...now he has a bedtime stop hitting her and still working on his manners and respect but she hasn't had a breakdowns since we moved in ...now we're arguing about working on his blatant disrespect towards her

Watching from South Africa

I am struggling to be enough for my husband. As the biological mother of our 15y/o son, my husband feels I have blinders on when it comes to my son. Things that bother him, dont bother me. I try to honor his rules but it's not natural. I don't know what else I can do?

Finally a helpful video

In some places stepparents are called "aunt" or "uncle"

I am from Freetown Sierra Leone West Africa

I missed out a chance to raise a beautiful little kid and be with his mom because I didn't know any of this stuff.

To comment section- Hes talking to the live viewers this isnt dora the explorer.

Houston Texas

From Rickey Butler. From Ohio, USA

St. Louis Missouri

Its so hard and I'm failing miserably as a step-dad and a husband!!

New-Brunswick, Canada

Hello, I’ve been listening to a few of your videos and I would like some advice. I’ve been married for 3 years, me and my husband have children we do not have children together. We are in our 50’s with young adult children 3 lives with us and my husband have a 9 year old who’s majority at her grandparents home. Me and my husband are not strong in our marriage we have our own Marriage issues now we are having issues with a few of our children. At this point we are considering dividing because it has caused to much stress on us.

I'm getting ready to be a stepparent. It's starting off a bit rocky as I'm about to move in. My wife's kids like me, but they DON'T want me to move in. Understandably, they are terrified because their mom's last boyfriend of choice that she let move in turned out to be a disaster. They don't realize they have no choice in that, but the real problem is; that they do have unchecked behavioral issues and their mother fails to discipline them repeatedly. They don't have any mental illnesses and yes, they've been to therapy, so they're just normal kids...who don't get disciplined. Long story short, I have limited disciplinary authority and I still have to be extremely careful with that. In the children's minds; I'm not supposed to tell them anything about their behavior, not even merely suggest that they should not talk back and disrespect their mother, who was losing an argument by the way when I made a simple comment. The comment was; you are being very disrespectful to your mother when you have a birthday coming up in two weeks. The daughter immediately shuts down. My wife is relieved and looks at me with a silent "Thank You". Then the daughter gets up and runs to the bathroom to cry. My wife goes to talk to her. In the main part of that conversation, her daughter tells her that; he's an outsider and what me and you talk about is none of his business. Then she proceeds to go up to her room and calls her grandmother to complain. The fact that these children feel like they can just call grandmother to tell on us anytime they don’t get their way is a huge problem. So, grandma calls mom to find out what’s going on. Then in a very sweet way told me not to come in too strong. Just wait awhile before I start telling them things. They need to get used to me living there first. Then slowly tell them things about their behavior, but for now let the mother handle all of the discipline. She told me not to take it the wrong way, but I did take it as; “don’t say anything to them about their behavior, yet. Just be there for them.” All I said was that one comment. I normally don’t say anything at all. Well, I don’t know how long I have to wait before I can make another comment. The root of the children's problem with me is; they don't like they disciplinary ideas/solutions that I put in their mom's head, because she actually tries to use them...sometimes.

Damien oregon

Stephen Mack Bayonne, NJ

How do I engage with my 17 year old step son who does not follow the same rules as the other kids in the house? After his Dad and I got Married, his mother said that if he came to live with her full time she would not give him rules. We saw him maybe 3 times that year. As a result he dropped out of school, overdosed and wound up in the hospital. Now he lives with us. He seems to have a good heart, but is openly rude, throws fits and looks like he's going to punch something. He is dismissive and has purposefully intimidated me as well as my other children. Sometimes he's very friendly and warm. It's confusing and I feel intimidated whenever I'm around him.

Hi

Houston texad

Kids help around the house that's a joke in this house because of mom okay's it she would Rather do it herself then ask them to do it

From Toronto canada

La Quanda From Los Angeles, California

Wanda. Georgia

Daniel from Ontario, CA

Brisbane Australia. 10 minutes.

Hi, I would like to give out my real my name but best not to, I have a few questions, Im learning how to be setp parent, im helping my best friend raising her three year old, I did raise her daughter when she was nearly a new born, I kinda met her biological father, its kinda a long story, but he abandoned them, so me and my friend had been bumping heads, i understand she's never meant to upset me on purpose and understands I have a learning disability and little autism, I don't know you would help me, how do I be a step parent while I'm born "different"?

My bf has 2 kids and a 3rd with me. I just want to take care of my baby

Tulsa. My stepchild is an only child and knows very well how to manipulate his family. I have 2 daughters and can see right through the bs. Mom always takes his side like he’s a victim and my youngest daughter 1 1/2 months older than him is the bully with problems.This whole Snapchat thing is a major contributor due to my daughter seeing the stupid things he is engaging in and screen shots it to show me. When I confront my wife now my daughter is a rat. Total disregard for the poor actions. Now my daughter hates my wife as stepbrother and vice versa. I’m in the middle in a no win situation. So needless to say the home is not cozy. I’m only 1 1/2 years into the marriage and my guts tell me to forget it all and just end it. But I love my wife dearly and her entire family. I’m at a loss and have actively engaged in therapy. I’m the only one who has been so far 1 time so this is new but I’m trying. Just lost and confused. No one needs to live under the same roof hating each other.

Should a new partner make the move to meet the kids first or the bio parent bring the kidos to you .

Trinidad and tobago

Bradford pa

I would like to reach your office for more info and counseling services.

Stop filming on mobile view and turn the camera side ways like a normal camera

st George Utah

💗

Hi, is it ok to show affection in front of step kids? Thank you.

San Antonio

Mary Murray

California

Pineville missouri