What Is A Step Parent's Role? 

The worst part about it all is you say something negative towards them, it’s immediately deemed that you dislike them. As step parents, we tend to see manipulative behavior faster than the actual parents.

After 15 years of being a step father I can say it’s one of the hardest things in the world to do. Especially when you have made children with his mother. I don’t think I could ever raise another step child again.

"Your role is not to fix anything in the situation.....you just have to take all responsibility for it and everyone will blame you in the end. EDIT: Honestly no one should ever take on a step-child. You will only sacrifice your our marriage and sanity.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes when it has come dating but the one mistake I didn’t make was becoming a step-parent, thank God I dodged that bullet

I’ve been a step parent now going on 7 years. Pretty much raised my wife’s kids to the girls they are today and I say that with pride. They never knew their own father so I’m pretty much it and I can tell you that being a step parent is the hardest job to ever do and you will always be looked at as the bad guy. No matter all the good, all the bills you pay all the gifts you buy them you will always be looked at as the bad guy to their family. Sad but true. My wife tells me that I’m their dad tells them I’m their dad always looks at me to buy them things but when it comes to discipline she wants me to have no say so in that and that’s where I draw the line. I will not parent kids that I do not have all the rights of a parent especially when I’m their only dad they have. With the good and fun times comes the bad. Unfortunately I’m done I will no longer put myself in this situation anymore. I can spend my time and energy on something else that appreciates

The step parent role is such a thankless role! Cool topic to identify what is NOT our job! Love it! Keep it up!

I would like to just be appreciated for all I’ve done that I never had to...

Oh my Lord! I've been doing what my husband's kids, mother didn't do for her own kids. I did everything, and of course I'M THE BAD ONE, but, only but, When they need help, so then they need me.

Yeah it’s difficult as heck. Especially when one of the stepchildren is a golden child and is allowed to lie to you with no consequences. Being a step-parent at that point feels like being a roommate at that point.

When he asked how are we feeling right now I in fact Did not feel better

I'm about to be a stepdad at the age of 28. I'm about to cry from relief. Being committed to creating a new family for over 1.5 years and I'm just grasping these things through your video. I thought I'm the one who needs to be a disciplinarian and being the mop-up guy, I was about to break down, break my relationship thinking I'm not capable of such things that I put upon myself that I even had suicidal thoughts with the overburdening I did on myself. Thank you. Deeply, deeply thank you. Your video had reached its utmost intention to help, by advising me all these. Thank you.

Me waiting for my step kids mom to be a mom and come get her kids. I accepted someone with kids but it’s not my responsibility

Yep, step-parenting is no joke!! I think with some preparations, a lot of knowledge, and even more Jesus, we can do it :)

Your job is not to replace their dad, isn't that a little bit of a relief? So good that you asked me that expert man, no it's not. So to recap, I have to basically fund a person's life that doesn't think of you as anything important. Awesome I love your video, you're changing the world. Legendary.

Never be a step Dad

After watching this video, the thought of being with someone who has a kid already is a no go 🙅🏾‍♂️ .... this crap is wayyyy to difficult.

I’m truly struggling being a step mom, the mother never does what she’s suppose to do,,, ( her and boyfriend lives come first) she has no boundaries so we can’t never plan anything and pays no child support ( go figure)… I have raised both of my children to adulthood and with all this stress I’m starting to ask myself is it really worth it,,, I’m completely burnt out and my boyfriend always seems to support her and her needs… hate to say this but step-parenting is a doubled edged sword ⚔️… you do all the work with no say !!! -

I dont have words too discribe how thank full i am for your videos....god bless you...

If the relationship with my current partner doesnt work out im never going to be a stepparent again lol

I have a step daughter and step son and I love them more than anything ♥️ I am not replacing their moms I am just here to help guide them through life. I am beyond blessed

I'm a 13 year old boy why am I here

Seriously it is not your job to love your step kid. Many and most step parents do learn to love their steps but not all and that's ok. You do have to be respectful and kind but you don't have to force yourself to love anyone

I enjoyed the video. You give great advice. I am a stepparent. My husband and I have been married for 28 years. It is not easy being a stepparent, but if you're good at it, it will pay off in the long run. I just joined your community. Thank you for the video and tips.

I see a lot of people stating how they would like to feel appreciated for what they have done. What was your role? What is it you want to be appreciated for? How can the other parent or child show appreciation? I want to make sure my child’s stepparent never feels under appreciated. ❤️

Honestly the most important thing to know in raising kids is No means No. besides that give them all the love in the World. Unfortunately most parents dont have the patience to say No anymore, and kids are messed up. If the biological parent is not strict with the kids, then the step parent has pretty much no chance.

So if you come into a household and there’s no structure or routine In the household, what’s your role? Be a friend? Basically encourage the behaviour.

We don't have a role and that is the beauty of it! I have ZERO responsibility!!

Raising step kids is so hard, its extremely difficult

As my boyfriends partner, all I want to be is a point of comfort for both him, and his 2 kids. I let them know right from jump "I am not mom. Not in any way, shape, or form. Not step-mom, not second mom. Do not call me that. I am me. (Kaylah). (And this probably stems from the fact that I don't want kids of my own.)You can talk to me about anything, and everything. If you have a problem, please talk to me, and I will do my best to make things right. I want you both to be comfortable in my home. To feel like you can talk to me about anything and not face judgment. You've got feels? Tell me! I just want the same respect that I show you. I got simple rules: Don't swing from the chandeliers, eat what I cook, say please and thank you, keep the rooms clean, and leave the laundry out before you go back to your moms." It's been an enlightening experience. They talk to me about everything, and I keep responses age appropriate, provide probably too many hugs, kisses, and nags about wearing helmets when riding the pit bike, but I love them more than I love myself. Being a "Kaylah" to them is great. I wouldn't change a thing for the entire world.

Your role is to pay rent with no authority over anyone in the household

I entered my step childrens lives 8 years ago when they were 6 and 7. I did some research before I met them, but was honestly naive about hard it would be. I was keenly aware that I was entering the lives of two children who's worlds had been turned upside down through divorce, that they hadn't asked to be in their situation and that I wasn't there to replace their mum, I never wanted to put them in a loyalty bind. I worked hard to forge a positive relationship with their mum. I hoped that I would have a good relationship with my step daughters and that I could be a stable and positive influence in their life and I grew to love them. My partner and I don't bad mouth their mum to the girls, but unfortunately, I can't say that their mum returns the favour. Consequently I have a fairly distant relationship with my step daughters, but I am grateful that we are civil and cordial to each other, I am aware that it could be much worse. Even so it is the most stressful thing I have ever done. On the few (maybe 3) occasions that I have spoken to them about their behaviour, it has been taken back to their mum and twisted. We feel that my partner has been painted as an unworthy parent, while mum has an almost god-like status. I think if the girls didn't live with us, we would have become alienated at some point (this is still a possibility, I suppose). My partner and I have two of our own children and I often worry about how the tension affects them. We muddle through life and support each other as best we can, try to make some good memories along the way and hope that in time the girls will see that we aren't the horrible, unreasonable people we have been made out to be. I think if you're thinking of becoming a step parent, you should give it serious thought and be aware that you are joining a family that has been broken, that has more variables than a standard two parent family has and that some of those variables are well out of your 'control'. Be prepared to compromise a lot, learn when to bite your lip, vent to friends when there is no chance they can hear you (ie away at the other parents, not just in the other room) maintain your boundaries in a respectful way, appreciate that the focus has to be the children (but also make time to connect with your partner) and hold on tight, cos it'll be a bumpy ride! Sorry for the long post, but really appreciated this video and all your video's Dr Paul (and Vicky).

This is really great video on why NOT to be a stepdad. Excellent work.

Thank you! I just started the stepmom role and I think having a groom relationship with his mother really helps. I ask her before I start boundaries to make sure she’s okay with it. Since he knows we speak together he listens better. I pray we always have a steady relationship

I dealt with a fair share of single mothers. I’m a step dad to many different kids to say the least. The part that hits my heart the worst is almost knowing none of them still think about me like I do them

Thank you for this video. Its really helped.

Thank you! Needed that

I AM FROM YOUR FUTURE. DO NO MARRY A WOMAN WITH A CHILD!!! You were forewarned.....

Thanks for this kind of advices. It so really helpful to me. And its helps me to relieve the thing i was struggling in my heart and in myself. Thanks a lot.

To anyone in the beginning of considering of partnering with your new partner with kids - don't do it. You will do it anyway and you will see why I said this after it got *very hard.*

I just found this & it changed my life 💯

I am a full-time, stepmother to four children. The younger two children’s mom passed away. The older two children’s mom lives out of state. I have no biological children. Coronavirus, and the homeschooling that has ensued because of it, have change our dynamic significantly. I am struggling, exhausted, and sad. I needed to hear your video today. Thank you. 🙏

When you you get in a relationship with someone who has kids, it it your responsebility to build trust from the kid and show love and accept them. You are the grown up. If you cant handle it do not involve yourself with someone who has kids

You're absolutely spot on

A step parent doesn't have the right to exercise authority over a child, especially if the child has a relationship with both parents, a friend/roommate is what a step parent's role should be

This guy could sell me a bathtub with a toaster pre-installed in it. He's good.

I’d love some more videos regarding step parents. How to support them, how to change their old school views based on their own experiences as children, how to communicate your concerns in a way that won’t make them feel attacked, disregarded or undervalued.. and what to do if your partner simply does not follow through with progressive conversations..... my young son has no relationship with my partner and it’s been 4 years. Things are spiralling :(

If you dont have kids yourself dont get involved with someone who does! Just start your own family! I learned the hard Way and I wish someone told me!

This is amazing!

correct me if i'm wrong i'm a father and a step father I work with kids in a day care center and i work with people with disabilities who have big big emotionnal problems to me it's important to help the other person by...not doing everything for them, but letting know that "I'm here to back you up if things go haywire"... keep on trying you'll make it same thing applies as a step parent to me, it's not my job, but i'm here if every my spouse start loosing control or need a break.... and i don't know exactly why... but it's always easy for me getting the control back while remaining calm

My step daughter loves me like I've never known love. I'm blessed she asked me if it was ok for her to call me daddy. I've learnt a lot and had never previously parented . I've never met or spoken with the father which I find strange. Wouldn't you want to know who's now involved with your daughter? I think your point that you're not there to mop up is a very valid one. Thanks for the informative video

Spot on the convos I have been having with my fiancé … thank you for this video 🙏🙏

Thanks for the video. There's a lot I've been doing wrong over the past few months 🙅🏾‍♂️

Being a step parent is like being a flashlight cop, all the responsibility with no authority

Can't be bothered with people kids. Waiting to be accepted is not my concern DNT wanna be bothered so I keep my distance always friendly towards them ,But distant to much time and energy .So I don't have no headache and heartache .

I really do! It’s a big relief!

This video is really great. Thanks a lot!

I wish I had this information 11 years ago, I’ve failed substantially as a stepfather.

Advice to anyone considering becoming a step-parent: Don't do it. It's the worst thing I've done to myself.

This you nailed it!

I'm going through this right now. Me as a parent I just want to make sure I know everything. It's just different because I didn't grow up with a father. But my kids have a stepfather and father. I found this to be extremely helpful thank you for your advice God bless 🙏🙏💪💪💖💖💖💖🤗🤗🤗🤗

Being a stepfather is like playing on someone else's paused game!!!!

Guys do NOT become stepdads.

Thanks for the video

Very well said. I loved it❤

I am not confused what a step mom's role is, but DO EXPECT Dad to enforce RESPECT to the child's Step mom or parent!!! This is so ignored by bio parents! Also remember, a home where a household is owned by two adult people, means all children, whether a step child or not-- should also be taught to respect the home. It is shared by ALL! Not JUST the step child or bio parent. If there's one thing after 14 yrs as a step mom, I have learned... most men are very guilty of Disneyland parenting. Yes, it should be a good time...but, that does NOT mean without rules or chores. This actually makes the children feel they belong and are not 'just a visitor.' This also gets missed because many parents want to be the FAVORITE Parent, resulting in lack of solid parenting. With discipline, rarely exsisting.Just focusing on the ' fun', in the long run, is not good for the child and especially marriage! And one wonders why step parents can be so upset, carry depression or feel resentment! We focus a lot and many times unfairly, on just the step parent. What about the bio parents? Also understanding how to make a 2nd marriage or relationship work and be healthy for all, BEFORE they dive into a new relationship!! I think counseling for a single dad or mom BEFORE they start dating again, is essential!! Understanding boundaries etc...And would help the Step parent avoid or never have to deal with, so many unnecessary problems or a failure again to a 2nd marriage! Then lets focus on step parent questions. There sure would be a lot less!!!

Bottom line being a stepfather is not a good situation because the laws need to change. I understand your point of view but don't agree. Anyone thinking of marrying someone with kids will encounter a ton of stress and die young. Just cause you believe you love your spouse you think everything will be okay your a fool. LOVE is not enough. A message to all women. Stay with the father of your kids. Make it work because if you want another man to take care of your kids then give them the authority. No man should have to go through being a stepfather.

I need to watch this every morning.

WHAT A RELIEF

Who wants or desire to be a steo parent? Stay with your original family!

I appreciate this advice. I’m going to be stepping into the role of a step dad in a 50/50 custody arrangement with a 5 and 7 year old in a few months. I know it will be hard but i genuinely love those boys and their mother. I’m glad for any advice in doing this well.

When you understand the words/wording .. I just live what you got to say.. and I think it will help... thanks 😊 😊

Thanks so much. Wish I would have seen this video a long time ago.

Thank you for this video, definitely guilty of 'I have to make sure...' lol. So many un seen struggles as a step parent. The boy I love and parent is worth it, I personally don't regret my decision to be with someone who has a kid, but no one can really explain to you how hard it will be.

Trying to do all these things you said NOT to do, has really gotten the best of me... Who even am I anymore... I lost myself trying to be someone I cant replace.

I needed to hear this. Even if take to account in the slightest. Nobody is there to offer help or advice being in this situation

Thanks again sir.

My stepdas did every "DON'T" that's mentioned in this video. To make natters worse- he hasn't acknowledged my birthdays ever since i was 12 or 13. Long story short we don't speak at all. He was the worse

Not my job to love them either. That may grow over time, but not my job or a requirement. I’m grey rock, that is my role.

I met a man with two little girls abandoned by the mom. After seeing this I can see that I can do this. I'm 62 years old. Thank you.

45yo here I just raise them as my own. 2 weekends a month. The kids have adopted me. I look at it as an investment in my future. 7 years now. Self-awareness helps and respect.

I’m having trouble telling the kid to do anything in general. She’s a teen and I find that she sleeps soo much, I just want her to get up because when her mom comes she’s upset that her kid hasn’t done her chores.

I am miserable with my step kids. This video is amazing, I should've viewed this a long time ago but my question is... How do you love someone that causes so much damage to the family?

Thank You.

Great advice!

After doing the stepparent thing, I'd caution anyone else who's thinking of doing it.

Without the support of the parent/your partner, then your stepchildren will use this to their advantage. This needs to be pointed out and sorted pronto, and if not, either the stepchildren have to go or you do.

I freaking love this speech

It all depends In the beginning I tried to tell him my morals and what I wanted us to do since I moved in and it’s now “our household”. He gave me half assed answers and told me how to handle things with one off sentences. Tensions built between the son and I tried to talk to the father but he and me argued. I got remarks like “it’s my business how I raise my child”, “what you can handle a 9 year old ! “, I wanted to sit him down together with the father to explain things but arguments went on and the kid hated seeing us argue. I treaded as lightly as I could. Over time he said I had to handle his son when I’m not there But eventual I did. And as he aged I would use a different , way, I guess passive aggressive “well that was rude”.. and id walk off. Or when he was rude I pushed back in some humorous attempt or called it teenageism. The other day I completely snapped. Must be because I’m pregnant. But I can see it. His wife talked to him in the car and came right in to tell me sitting across. That he hates us arguing (he seldom do. And Infrequently, also sometimes bad, but we get along ). And he told his teacher because of some assignment when in turn told him mom who told my boyfriend. So then after the son also told his mom that he doesn’t like it when I called him out and use that word teenageism. I snapped. I tread so lightly and have witness to my behaviour. And I couldn’t handle myself. I’m pissed. You mean I have to walk on eggshells with him? It’s because of the fathers lazy parenting and the mothers “my son is my world”... shrouding him out of reality that if the kid is gonna have a lousy attitude not every one is gonna sugar coat it. I never called this kid fat,stupid, retard, never. I loved him. Basically I see in the end. This guy whom I love. Basically wanted a babysitter and house maid and to be compliant as a dog. Even if he cries when his dog was going to die but I helped to get the dog operated. Encouraged it. But never seen him wept for me. I snapped because I was like, so his wife tells him to jump he jumps. I doubt he reflected on what she said against my actions. I can see that even if she left the house. She still has the hold. Due to possibly posing his son. Because she’s threatened if we argue she will have her kid record it and she will take him out of the house. But never have I seen my boyfriend defend me or speak up truly against when I disrespected. One instance I know his parents were having a discussion about their son going to high school at the dining table. The kid was so happy they were together in the house. He barely acknowledged I was there. But I let it go. I felt suffocated and left to let them deal with their sons dealings. When I came back I said “hi Jordan “ he bowed his head in his homework and ignored me so I came and touched the shoulder and he continues. So I have BPD you can imagine trying to keep these emotions in control. I went to talk to the father and he just gave him a slapp on the wrist “when someone says hi you say hi” , so I am just “someone”... I left after that for 7 months. Because it was me and him and too must hostility. And I thought I’d be done. But no Coming back I wanted it to work but after seeing how his wife talk to him about my pushing back. And he tells me to find another way. I have yet to see him acknowledge my demands as a spouse of about 5 years. So he’s still loyal to her. I can’t believe how fast he ran once she squawked. I’m far from perfect. But being aware with what I have. I’d never put a kid what my parents put me through. Especially my mother. So I thought I would have his support and we talk to him together and build some bond.but no. I treaded so lightly already. When the kid was nice I was nice. I’ve forgiven things he’s done and was respectful when he was. But when he was an ass I pushed back. That’s life. As I try to tell him “he learns life from the household “... couples fight and argue and he needs his father to explain. Which he never does. But HOw fast 💨 he threw me under for what his wife and son said. No defending or just “let me observe the next few weeks and then say something”. I’m very receptive. But when he sat across and began talking five mins after coming home. I clearly see she wears the pants. In their “ex” relationship. And I’m being stonewalled. Why well this is my BPD rage. I text endlessly. Because I don’t know how else. But I’m not happy or saying anything nice. I’m completely guilty of this but I guess I need to go. For good. I should have never came back. He tells me has everything to lose. Well I wasted 5 years with someone whos wife matters more. And she’s not even in the home to see how he acts. And I explained what you guys get compared to me is a different person as times. But I’m clearly wasting my time. Unfortunately I’m 4 months pregnant. I never tried to be the replacement. Just wanted to be the equal or close enough. And I thought that it’s because our household we can establish rules. Clearly the father wants a good time with his son and I really pissss off and go upstairs and let them be. I come down occasionally. But I backed off. Because I understand he gets a week at a time. I make the kid supper or ask how his day was every day. My mother never. So wtf more do you want from me. ? I’m trying to be in control as my emotions are really wacked. Trying very hard. I never wanted to fix anything. Just have basic respect and understanding. I never tried to by over baring. I wanted basic respect. And that I have fun in a different way. When he gets rude or bossy I pulled away. Because in fear is saying the wrong thing. Because look what happened when I pushed back.

A big factor of the problems is having someone just move in without anyone elses consent then that person breaking boundaries and trying to control the people of that house, you'll end up being looked upon as an intruder they can't get rid of. If you are not wanted in the home by those who are is living there, ie any children, don't live there pure and simple.

If only my step dad would understand this 😔 but good job helping other people out :)

I am engaged to my fiance, he lives with his 17 years old daughter who is going to go to college this year. I intentionally don't visit their house to set boundaries. She already has a mother who lives on her own and comfortable financially not married or has other children. As his daughter is going to high school in my town and his mother lives in another town 1 hour away, I am okay for him to look after her and attend her needs. We decided to get our own rented house after her daughter goes to college but he decided that one room should belong to her so when she comes for an holiday or has an arguement with her mum she has a place to stay. I told him that I cant accept that and I dont want to live with him anymore. I said we should continue in our separate living spaces. I intentionally didn't have any children. I am 42 and I want to have my own space. I can't see forcing myself trying to create a bond with a stranger. She already has a mother and I feel my fiance is intentionally trying to get all her daughter's love and affection for himself cutting out the mum. I am considering seperating. I love him but I just can't see myself mothering another woman's grown up daughter. She should live with her mother and come as a guest for few days. I don't know how to solve this situation

Maybe if the message was delivered with a more optimistic energy, this would be a hit!! I love the advice. Thanks 😊 Edit. Did take of some of the stress. Thanks again

If I been around to teach potty training and taught my son to talk and change his diapers and I'm the one who takes him to the hospital at 3 am and only had 2 hours of sleep and have a shift in 3 hours ..these are my jobs the real dad doesn't do these then I'm coming in and taking over

What if you and your significant other have an agreement that you're just as much as the childs parent than they are, but when it comes to discipline that they dont agree with, they always state how long they have been a parent or how you dont have any biological kids so that automatically makes you wrong...?

I’ve been a stepdad for 7 years now. I love being an important adult in a child’s life but my spouse will drop everything including our own priorities for his son’s whims. I’m happy that he and ex wife are amicable co-parents but he prioritizes her over me. I don’t understand why they divorced but Im checking out. I’m done I quit. In a traditional marriage you put your spouse first or your marriage will fall apart. In a marriage with a parent, don’t bother. You will be a convenient babysitter that’s just one minor accusation from a huge argument that only actually hurts the kid or makes them resent you till your gone but also hurt the kid when they get what they want which is you gone.

I have step parents I was already an adult when my parents split I have step parents I don't live with them. Could be differences having step parents as child or adult because by the time u be step parent they could have moved out the house but you can still have good relationship with them regardless of u live with them or not

Dated a girl 16 years and she had 3 boys. The first 2 boys was with a previous marriage and 10 years later she had the youngest. The baby was 18 and had graduated high school and he was allowed to move his girlfriend into the house by his mother because in 2 months they would be moving into their own apartment. Long story short, they’re still living in the house 2 years later , just had a baby , both on drugs, an neither one of them has a job. I got out 10 months ago

My boyfriend and I are constantly arguing about kids. His kids, my kids. It's a constant battle! Mainly, it's an arguement about him being able to discipline my boys but I don't feel I have the right to say anything to his girls It's not right!

Step fathers role: walking atm being used for his resources then ditched when hes out

Been a stepdad for 30 years, played the supporting role and all of that and wouldn't do it again, No thanks.!