Steven Seagal Movies - ralphthemoviemaker 

Made me choke on my drink 🤣🤣🤣

Lmao underrated comment

Underrated comment. I died but somehow survived to reply.

Haaaaaahaaaaaahaaaaaa

Hahah

Does the fact that his heart is black as coal count?

@@nomine4027 i don't think he has one

Oh please let it be that he blacked up and got away with it.

He has no race like Chuck Norris he just is.

Incorrect, if anything, he made it blacker. Obviously, he’s the king of improv

I want this to be a fucking movie

Casey Whitesell the stuman show

@@caseycat just watch Steven segal MTV Cribs

@@chillhour6155 🤣

That’s super funny

Real or fake, I wouldn't be surprised either way.

😂😂😂

Honestly Steven Seagal is America's tryhard uncool dad

So the Lifetime and Hallmark movies with the same plots are Momsploitation films? Parents have terrible tastes.

@@Wolfspiritzero yes lol they are 100% momsploitation

or is it just badsploitation? as in exploiting bad actors who think they have talent & audiences who like to laugh at them

@@ashleybrooke2087 A lot of those movies have many has-been actors who were at one time in big budget movies. Nicolas Cage was in a Lifetime movie awhile back. It's where acting careers go to die and Hallmark is where they're reborn in a perpetual Christmas purgatory.

It's more like a film crew wandered into him and said "Fuck it, let's film him."

Hahahahahahahaha 😂😂😂

i didn't even realize he looked EXACTLY the same in them all 😂😂

🤣🤣🤣

@@littlefieryone2825 🤣

He can embarrass himself too ! Such a disgrace 😂

It's a priority thing. He conserves energy.

@@OloleSo thats why they call him a conservative.

That's the wrong kind of legend to be

So, Dan Inosanto?

While hyperventilating into your ear

Where do they end up in a dumpster.

Everyone shits on the bargain bin but it’s honestly got some really good movies in it sometimes. Like one time I went to the bargain bin at my local dollar store and found The Godfather. You’d be more likely to find these movies behind a thrift store next to the garbage

@@lit-eral5953 I found my aliens movie in there...score :3

At least Nic Cage does some good movies every once in a while like Mandy. Steven Seagull is a hack

Haha seriously, he's a hack It's funny Jon tron and Ralph both covered his goofy ass

Void Mayonnaise no one ever has, no one ever will. Unless sitting in a chair and pretending to be cool is improv.

Nope, everything you do disgusts me on a basic human level.

XD

Lmfao like in that sniper movie, pretty sure hes sitting on a chair instead of crouching

So was the plot.

Universe*

As much money they can afford to get it around him

😂😂😂

Good point xD

@@viewtiful1doubleokamihand253 6:06

This Steven Seagal talking. He means they *wore* all black. He wouldn't be in any other kind of band.

but he IS black!

@@joodlemcdoodle He's everything; hence his size.

Mike can still move, all my money would be on him anyways. Age is just a number to him

Lets be real tyson in a wheelchair would kill seagull in a fistfight

@@ccainum5971 tyson in a hospital bed would decimate seagull

That I can believe like 100%...and not just cause I like Tyson and hate Seagal, but because it is just a fact.

1 jab and the fight would be over!

He probably is seconds away from dying by the looks of it

😂😂😂dude that’s so fucked

@@louisamos5330 I think he's already dead and that whenever he speaks it's just air escaping the corpse.

Too many cheeseburgers

Complimentary vodka from his BFF, Putin. I bet he hates him he just wants to see how big he gets before death 😂

With an added "pleeth" to it, nonetheless.

Peath 😂

I just got ot that part and raced to the comments, funniest thing ive ever heard

I've had that line in a loop in my head the past few days, and mutter it out to myself at work.

WarriorBoy All day long. Hahaha. I’ll just be mindlessly doing something, and suddenly, “pleath... let it go... pleath...”

Shitgal?

Brandon Morel Rojas noice

Gene Lebell was the man who made Segal shit himself. True story

@Luc Germain idk either way it's fun to spread rumors about Steven Seagal

Yeah, and he keeps denying it, so it's probably true.

If he is remembered at all to begin with

And shitting his pants when one of his stunt men put him out. Hahaha

@@JanoyCresvaZero I think that was Judo Gene LeBell who choked him out making him shit his pants

kallebaah0 Indeed it was.

@@kallebaah0 There were two times actually, one by LeBell, then there was another by a stuntman.

The narcissist ego is extremely fragile.

"You can't do that, I'm invincible."

So basically eric Cartman 😂

@@blumedeschaos2926 except that he's not going to get someone's parents killed and fed to him. Instead, he's just going to snatch every motherfucker birthday

I remember back in elementary school, we'd sometimes do Pokémon LARPs on the playground. Generation two had just come out, so this was pre-abilities. And there was this kid who would create overpowered fakemons with proto-abilities of sorts. The one that always stuck with me was "Everythingstar," a made-up evolution to Starmie who had every type at once... all of their strengths and no weaknesses. I continuously told him that was stupid and unfair, prompting him to throw a tantrum and delay the game until we capitulated. Anyway, Steven Seagal is that kid. Steven Seagal is Everythingstar. Don't be like Steven Seagal.

Next up Special ops team The Mongolian Griller Few weeks ago

Attack Force is one that exists too

Hideo Kojima named the characters.

I own Beyond The Law on DVD. It literally feels like an unfinished (about 90%) movie. Steven Seagal also gave me really heavy Cameron Mitchell vibes in it because he mostly sat down all movie and casually drank.

@@hpintrepid do I detect a fellow Redlettermedia fan?

🤣🤣

It shows that he's lost passion for martial arts. I wonder when was the last time he really did a serious martial arts based work out, or any work out for that matter.

@@RumchugMusic he was never a martial artist. He was like Mac from IASIP, about the show of pseudo-martial looking moves rather than actually practicing any actual martial arts.

@Leon Russell lol

Peter Fitzgerald This made me laugh more than it really should have

I like how he slid the chair back and then it cut to the other guy moving to stand up before cutting back with Seagal already having stood up and starting to move. Lol

6 days ago wtf

@@sahymakhtar7445 Patreons get early access

Imagine getting American actors to have more natural English speakers in your movie, but you get the two Americans who are the worst at speaking English

I think an algorithm wrote this movie

hes big in russia or something, no?

Jake Custer I wonder if he actually is self-aware but keeps trolling us for a good laugh

@@manospondylus or he's stuck and it's only way to make money.

@Sarah Wilson You mean the big D?

He's what Tommy Wiseau would be now if he'd made some good films. Tommy made the mistake of doing 2020 Tommy in 2003.

I heard it was all improvised and they actually just left

Theory: Everyone is in delusion and the people disappearing is making them snap almost back to reality. Then again I might be wrong since there’s like people and dying and everything. Unless its all a dream.

I can't even!

It's actually inspired by what happens when they show one of his movies in theaters.

🤣

Van Damme's a genuinely charming, skilled bad-ass who is in perfect shape even today and whose movies are actually enjoyable (and not in a "so bad they're good"-kind of way either). Hearing this story just made me like him even more, good on him for calling Seagal out on his bullshit.

@@hermionestranger4964 Also, Seagal has been sued at least 5 times for sexual harassment.

@@jc-dentron yeah I had heard something about that. Yikes. I hope those victims get justice against this oversized mustachioed eggman eventually.

@@jc-dentron 15:30 he should take his own characters advice lol

@@hermionestranger4964 it pissed me off how they portrayed that scene if seagal fighting tyson....they made it look like tyson had hard time fighting him...like fuck off already

Hahahahaha

Africaghanistan

@@nukiradio Afrighanistan

​@@nukiradio democratic republic of north africa

I love the idea of South Africa vs everybody else in the entire continent

gunwild gunwild I know, the propaganda is so ironic if you tested it for comedy gold it would be 24 carats

I was gonna say something if i didn't see this

He didn't "wring out money", he just invested in a communication line. It's better then what france has done for Africa.

@@r.p.4756 just cause it's better doesn't mean it's good.

R. P. He “invested” in a communication line using stolen intellectual property, and the only reason the movie portrays that it’s okay is because he did it on the behalf of the Chinese government.

Uh...the man insists he is a sexpot despite being ridiculously fat. That's just really, really sad.

Same type of personality of Gene Simmons.

You will never be as good as Steven seagul thinks he is, and you will never be as bad as Steve seagul actually is

He's just one step up from tommy wyseau

@@Karifi *one step below. There, ftfy.

it is literally alleged all the crappy movies he’s been doing since leaving the US in 2010 (or at least stopped making movies in the US since 2010) are just money laundering schemes for the various figures, backers and groups he hangs out with.

@@mckenzie.latham91 meh at this point, that could actually be true and no one would be surprised

Oh yes, he is my countryman now, what a time to be alive

@@kostajovanovic3711 America isn't sending you their best.

@@mroctober3657 I lived trough 1999, i know

Eewww! When did CIA become blind.

What happens in the Pentagon stays in the Pentagon

Yep.. coz it’s a well known fact around the world - that cia are butt pirates who train terrorists so that the US MIC can embezzle money from American taxpayers 🤷‍♂️

They used his mouth as a fleshlight.

@@RazorusR3X777 you just put a very disturbing image in my head

Yeah his performance of CIA and armed forces propaganda is at least slightly more effective lmao

I have to thank Seagal though. I generally distrust Western media when it unites around a common topic so if it weren’t for him I might have fallen for Russian propaganda about the war. There’s no way I’m on the same side as the guy who had two underage girls locked inside his basement

@@Scatmanseth Did he really?

Putin accepting seagal as a propaganda mouth piece is a bigger blunder than the kiev bound convoy at the start of the war.

You mean when he said that the war should end and that he didnt want Russians and Ukrainians to die? yea what an asshole. He should be raising money for weapons manufacturers like Sean Penn and Bono. Those guys are showing you how to behave. Good little soldiers

speaking perfect english for the whole interview and then dude turns into a gopnik just to say the name

Not even russians say it like that He is like a joke that never really ends

@@aa11ct9 he is a legend..you are nothing...🙏

lol

Because he's more russian than Putin himself.

"Have you heard of the high elves?"

No cap, he looks like an Oblivion NPC

Unskipable too

Hes just the handler from monster hunter world

Fucker probably gives out fetch quests too

😆😆😂😂😂😂😂 Christ he's huge 🤣

Brutal

Not to mention his apparent Histrionic Personality Disorder.

He's allegedly pretty dangerous if you are a 17 year old actress alone with him.

I think the most dangerous thing about Seagal is his acting could put you to sleep permanently.

He literally looks like Creed from the office when he dyed his hair black with printer ink

There was an actor who said that Seagal was offered an expensive, high quality wig for a certain movie but he refused to wear it. Instead, he colored in his hair with sharpie, I believe. Or black paint or something.

MY GOD you're greasy

There are points when you see him start to realise the full horror of what he has gotten himself into.

AFRICAWWW

Hahaha right? Who hires mike tyson and says.. let's give THIS guy all the big dialogue scenes in the finale, it'll be great

Mike tyson faking an african accent is somehow the most offensive and funny thing i’ve seen in a shitty movie. I can just imagine the chinese director saying “oh this guy’s black, make him african” and still going through it when they hear his clearly american accent

Its like some thing Dave Chapple would say in a standup comedy stage.

Gotti was the movie Goodfellas tried to be.

@@mroctober3657 which Gotti movie

@@giorgiogazzola5972 Travolta

@@mroctober3657 no Mafia movie could ever be as good as that.

@@giorgiogazzola5972 It's the gold standard.

Underrated

He looks a bit more like DarkSydePhil, in his old age, wondering where it all went wrong. Then suddenly he lets out a really depressed fart, and that facial expression is the result.

Penn Jillette got on a diet & is actually in way better shape than Seagal these days & arguably a better actor. Penn & Teller in a gritty action movie would still be more fun than watching Seagal sit though scenes. Though not as funny as watching Seagal meet Vladimir Putin.

Bugged old age dood ACK ACK ACK. Nothing He could do

Bro I thought he looked like penn too

i dont know about you but thats easy money for me

@@mazter_chief_5768 If you have no self-esteem, sure.

@@Elhao 6:06

@@mazter_chief_5768 yeah just get your ass clapped by Steven segal

Did you just say “a porn”..?

yes, i can also prove that the movie is real because i am the mike tyson, also i'm dead

Nice try kid. If you really watched the movie and actually paid attention like a true film enthusiast, you would know that the real China Salesman is the friends we made along the way

NO WAYY!!!😲

*bows*

You never let me down

That would be amazing

Smart, if you're on horseback the entire movie you never have to stand up

The Mongols historically gained a ton of weight from gorging themselves on local food and alcohol when they started to settle down. Would make sense

oh. so he wanted to pull a John Wayne like in The Conqueror. the film where John Wayne played Ghengis Kahn. and it gave people cancer. no i mean like literal cancer. the actors and production crew were exposed to nuclear radiation at the filming location. look it up its insane.

Like John Wayne?

Charles J. Guiteau and he was talking about this on a British news show like?? sir we do not care talk about the movie please (which, tbh, I doubt we care about either)

I mean it’s claimed that because he’s never done a movie in the US since 2010, that all of his movies now are money laundering schemes for the various assholes and “groups” he hangs out with now.

Mckenzie .Latham I mean if stops supporting Putin and the CCP he could always hang out at a Russian gulag or a Chinese re-education camp if he doesn’t cooperate. In Russia and China, actors and actresses are used as propoganda machines to sew sympathy for the authoritarian powers that be, it’s sickening.

@@kevingarcia6746 ＥＶＩＣＴＩＯＮ

@@alicecollins9918 They asked him about current events as an American celebrity living in Russia who has dabbed with politicians in both countries. Reviewer is offended that he decried "propaganda" while discussing real world events because Segal also starred in a cheap Chinese movie where the Chinese flag is raised (grrr?) and he converses with "the enemy" (guy lives in Russia and has a Russian family - does he want Segal to go beat up some Russians or having moved there to agitate against the governement?)

XD

Hell yeah dude

Dude in the first 10 seconds of this video I was wondering if anyone was going to notice he ripped this whole thing off from cumtown

He is half Asian... half Mongol... half native American (they came from Asia)... half everything 🤷‍♂️

Yessss hahahha! Love that Cum Town video

“I was in an all black band” Is not black

@@minatoyuki4800 he's been gentrifying since Glimmer Man.

That's why he's so good

When Stevey was just 4 months old he was already playing the guitar

@@minatoyuki4800 oh hey emo jesus

Unrested Good, Japan was spared from this train wreck of a human being then

As it should be everywhere else. Seriously why was he famous in the first place?

Gino Gatash A few of his older late 80s-90s movies were apparently pretty popular (think of like Bruce Willis or Liam Nieson). However it’s gotten to a point where LITERALLY NOBODY watches Steven Seagal anymore (he’s been a confirmed wife beater, sexual predator, douchebag, and all around terrible person).

@@courier6960 I get he was in like a couple of good films during his "prime", but still, he really didn't do nothing to get his "action star", especially when compared to the likes of Stallone or Schwarzeneger.

Gino Gatash Exactly, that’s why this whole “character” he created is so funny to so many people. He wasn’t really that badass when people liked him and when he was fit, now nobody likes the guy (because everyone knows he’s a massive piece of shit) and he’s overweight as hell, and he’s still playing the character.

They clearly didn't translate it right and none of the English-Speaking actors could give enough of a shit to correct them

Yeah it should be Chinese Salesman

@@Camburg44 Someone with influence in the Party decided that should be the title, and you don't argue with things that come from higher up. Even if they don't make sense.

Mixing up the demonym with the name of the country is a really common mistake for Chinese-speakers (saying "China" instead of "Chinese" or "American" instead of "America") because Mandarin doesn't have demonyms; they just take the place name and add "person."

I guess he could be selling the country, as in, he's in tourism or state propaganda?

He sounds really tired and out of breath all the time

Mori It’s cause his fat ass wasted all of his energy trying to squeeze through the doorway to the set

More of a latter-days, depressed Brando impression.

He’s trying to sound black, no he literally is, he’s speaking Ebononics, which is a term given to how minorities from Africa and their descendants speak or sound, he’s been doing this since the 80’s

Blake Crochet no just no. That’s not AAVE. African American Vernacular English. He’s fat and outta breathe.

You just described my uncle. My aunt/his wife was the sole beneficiary of two really wealthy relatives, so now he acts like a big shot who made it in life despite doing basically no work for the past three decades. He's also an alcoholic and morbidly obese. Damn... am I related to Steven Seagal?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Why'd they do that? It's so ugly

@@mixkid3362 did you watch the video??

@@b3nl555 of course

I am not going to lie, I laughed to the point of peeing a little bit. 😂 😆 😝 😂

Do you think maybe it means North and South Sudan? It can't be the whole continent. You have to cross a desert, the fucking jungle and the Savannah to get from one end to the other

This will go over almost every single American's noggin. From its north to its south, if you will.

@@dipdop9734 it doesn't mean anything, because nobody in the production team could even point the african continent on the map, let alone name a country in it

@@justastudent1423 Fair enough

China doesn't care about Africa lol.

Clown

@@tomhatl4690 what?

Lmao

@@tomhatl4690 wtf

@@papayer Clown

Definitely on the first one since the initial scene was his head exploding from changing pressure and he held up filming until they changed it to him sacrificing himself.

Yes, he is.

Didn't you see his first film 'Narco'? What about 'Narc'd For Death' and 'Narc To Kill'?

It's a clever metaphor of him being his own worst enemy.

“Avenge me brother”

It’s probably his last shred of his acting spirt and Steven killing his brother is killing his last shred of giving a shit in actually trying

Same.

This comment is so underrated

11/10

Spec ops the line has a sniper in the main menu and he evolves as you play the game so its based around him then?

@@ididntmeantoshootthatvietn5012 No, because he actually gets out of the chair.

@@superlombax1561 lmfao

Well, not quite enough to be on location though.

I mean, it is Steven Seagal. Would you like to be on set with him?

@@Jack75188 HELLS NO! i've wondered what kinda shit the stunt guys talk bout him when he's not around

If you are a woman, RUN. Steven Seagal will touch you, and not the good kind.

@@Jack75188 I mean, it's not like Mine Tyson had any room to judge on that front though.

Now... and I can’t believe I’m saying this. In his defense people who are good at guitar usually start young. The whole all black Ann’s thing on the other hand..

I think Steven seagal also said he was part black,part native Americans, part Japanese, part Russian etc.

I guess he's trying to explain why he strums the guitar with his thumb and forefinger got like a blind dog Fulton thing going on

yea but he's like some kind of Buddhist Llama or something and has probably mastered the guitar, as well as every form of Kung-Fu in his previous lives where he probably invented all of that stuff anyway. (not even making this up there is no end to the shit this guy has claimed to be.)

Problem with him is that he got too full, and also got full of himself. His old action movies are mostly pretty good, if a bit campy.

@@Julius064 full both physically and mentally haha

God, as a kid I'd watch his """good""" movies on tv and even then I'd find him so fucking bad. The guy is bad. He was never good, I don't see what people saw

The man takes himself waaaay too seriously, and has a bad rep among fellow actors as a pain in the arse to work with. He's like the action version of Chevy Chase lol

@@playboymaxim - Yes that’s the perfect description of him!

Wait.. these weren't all just Documentaries..?

"Time furmeeta gi muhgrocereese yousonuffabitch..."

I feel like it would end up making fun of inforwars which he would probably be against.

He has too much of an ego to do that. His ego prevents him from embracing the meme status and potentially becoming kinda relevant again.

It would be more entertaining than any of his movies

Let me guess... Eres latino verdad?

@@jdn5593 nope, but I'm pretty sure most 3rd world country had something similar lol

Lmao same

my grandmother apparently bought a bootleg dvd from a cop for my third birthday

@@MrBlitzpunk Let me guess, Indonesia ?

I don’t know how a vegetarian is so overweight.

@@disgruntledcashier503 maybe he eats more lettuce than anyone else 🤷‍♂️

@@NukaCola514 Dude probably eats out the cheese platters at super markets. This gelatinous being most likely eats pounds of rice and peanut butter. We are lucky he doesn't have a peanut allergy because if he did he might live longer.

I think he thinks it makes him sound cool and edgy. Which for me is just the cherry on top of the shit cake 🤣

He gets out of breath thinking.

Quite the young prodigy

Didn't realize Steven was african american

Steven Seagal can be practically any age (or really anything) he wants to be

Danny Mendez Can he be dead?

@@courier6960 if you wish

I like this theory

Object permanence is not one of the "many skills" of the big man himself.

he just passes out

jesse we have to cook

He's so big I don't think they make helmets his size.

Steven Seagal is the total opposite of Chuck Norris.

@@squirrelpower1666 not exactly. Chuck Norris is proficient in martial arts, but his films use a lot of fast cutting and gratuitous slow-mo to make him appear a lot slicker than he is. Basically, if a Hollywood boomer claims to be a Kung-Fu master, it probably means they did a crash course in the late seventies with a lot of cocaine.

@@lewiskazinsky7334 yeah but chuck norris never phones it in to the level Seagal does. At least chuck walks

East Asia

@@gaiusjuliuscaesar8450 whereeeee in east Asia 😂

fhfhdkkddkfhdj like just say china whats so hard

@@viol8r southeast asia

@@gaiusjuliuscaesar8450 that is a fictional place

I don’t wanna think about some of the shit he might have done to some of them, seeing as how many women have come forth with allegations against him.

At this point, might as well do porn.

The way he patted her on the rear like she's a cow 😖

Seagal’s talent is being gross in so many ways.

@@bunnylegion3969 they’re all adults. They have free will just like men.

Not funny, didn't laugh.

@@Gideon13397 yet you felt the need to reply.... now that’s funny

@@jtodaro that is so General Commander of you

Especially if Ur a woman

Where did the director intend when they said South Africa in this movie? Like South Africa as a region the country or south of the Sahara in general?

@Nicholas Deal King Vegeeta voice: frigging smartass.

As a South African, I can tell you with absolute confidence that we probably have a North.

@J Quan That’s a region, not a country my dude. Did you think Morocco and Tunisia were like... states of “North Africa”? They’re countries in the region of North Africa.

There is a Central Africa(n Republic) though.

Hey, I know a movie that has both those things. It's called The Transporter.

i also like the bit where he touches that girl's back while bumbling about some neurons and stuff

Mike Tyson has a great grasp of English. He's ridiculously articulate. People hear a lisp and think he's stupid but nothing could be farther from the truth.

@@stephenoldham9586 l fucking mao

@@stephenoldham9586 You sure about that? I doubt he can even read at a college grade level lol

@@petersosa268 He was trying to do waaaay too much lmao! Cringe worthy "acting"

It take a very certain kind of person with a certain mental attitude to be a real sniper. Segal does not have that attitude.

The Glimmer Man period

Seeing how many things he claimed to be... would you be surprised, honestly? -_-

He was also Russian and Belarusian apparently, to guy is actually scary mentally insane when you hear him speak and how he believes his own bs

Dude, Mike Tyson’s accent was just 👌🏽

No, it was just Steve and his cousins, each in blackface, playing Motown hits. The name of his group was “An All Blackband of Brothers. Wonder who’s gonna play Seagal in the movie? We need a biopic STAT, and while Grandmaster Sifu Instructor Comrade Seagal is still with us to give the truth on his early years. He was a CIA asset in Asia, Aikido instructor in Japan, and before he trained with Ras Al Ghul in Tibet. Did ya know he was also a reincarnation of multiple Dalai Lamas and Confucius? Bet ya didn’t know that. 🎸🎶 Also an accomplished Blues Legend in his own mind...

Yeah but then no one would see his face! That's his money maker! /s

Tee Luv Same with Alex Jones. That guy can do some amazing voice changes, but instead opts to just scam people into conspiracy theories and destroy his own credibility

He slurs so much, though. And he goes off script. And he can only do one voice and one accent, both of them terrible. And he can't pronounce any word with more than 3 syllables or any foreign word. And he can't project emotions. Plus, there is no stunt double to replace him in the tricky bits. I struggle to think of anything he's good at. I guess he's a chair connoisseur with all the sitting he does.

@@StevePhoenix good point, well explained :)

@@seagullj6476 Yeah.. If he enunciated his words hed be a decent voice actor. I didnt mean the way he spoke, i meant the sound of his voice.

I read that in seths voice

Im south african and i couldnt stop laughing my head off ahahah

@@malwie6981 Everything north of South Africa is North Africa.

@@RumchugMusic RIP Zimbabwe

Rumchug no my man, the surrounding countries are still part of southern africa, further north is central, and then finally northern africa. Either way people should be more specific hahah