Strategies for Loving Yourself - Loving Kindness 

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RU-vid. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RU-vid. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

I know I am hard on myself because I was always put down. I was never celebrated for just being me.

I'm so pleased you mentioned that we need external verification. Isolation kills the soul and mental health x

My nervous system felt more assured by listening to this. I can't explain this in any other way. Thank you.

One day I was giving myself some EFT (emotional freedom technique) tapping away - I was intending to say: 'even though I feel low self esteem I deeply and completely accept myself'. I convulsed with laughter when I realized I had actually recited: 'even though.....I deeply and completely forget myself!' My higher self took over I guess and told me the truth!

Alan- I can't say how appreciative I am to have found your videos. I have been having some profound realizations thanks to the help of your guidance. Thank you

I used to berate and deny how much I need external validation and attention from others because it was a defense mechanism for surviving in a emotional desolate environment. I was either abandoned by others or put down. No I'm between. I viewed myself as flawed, undeserving, unwanted, damaged, wrong, or something was wrong with me because that is the mirroring I received in my upbringing. Thank you for this video!

i've been taking therapy basically my whole life, and have grown with this distorted idea about self love exactly like you said, like if I don't reach it I'm doomed, I've been struggling to be in a relationship for a long time and my therapist in a direct or indirect way had kept this idea that if i don't love myself I'll be single forever and this idea has always made me feel angry cos' it feels simplistic, it feels like self-love is a finite goal to reach, and..it's as cliche as it sounds it's a life journey, and hearing you saying that basically, it's a balance between me and my relationship to the world it honestly gave me this light and space i need it, thank you so much for this insight, this is my second video and honestly I'm really grateful to you

I liked the phrase you used, self appreciation. That might be easier for some of us to accept than self-love.

To me, external verification means socializing, which we all need. But not even a single bit of our self worth can depend on it. I think it's also important to point that out. My self worth has always depended on being on a relationship and it's so hard to describe how freeing it is to be able to be your true and genuine self without having to depend on people. Most of us need some level of socialization and attention, as humans are a social species. But self worth is only determined by OUR OWN SELF and NO one else. Love ur videos Alan!

“How can you soften, how can u give yourself the Beni fit of the doubt...” beautiful

This is so much appreciated. I have no problem giving others love, but have no clue how to direct it inwards. Thank you so much!

"Is this an act of self loving?". Simple but profound.

Dear Alan, Thank you so much for mentioning the pitfall of "I have to love myself completely before being with other people." I've listened with skepticism to friends/family/myself (who i felt were very afraid of intimacy) talk about how (after years of being alone) that they must be focused on being okay with self etc - that they dont need anyone else - like you said this can be a tragic pipedream of complete autonomy that ignores the gregarious parts of our nature and seeks to isolate us further =(. I fully respect self love and know the damage that not practicing it can inflict - but I'm so glad you put into words how going too far in the other direction can be just as isolating as self hate. --Thanks for the great videos !

I have difficulty with finding a way of expressing my needs being afraid of appearing demanding and as a consequence feel the deprivation you mentioned. It all has to do with self worth and the mentality of shame. I am working on this, however, hard to find a way.

Each time you stay silent you're betraying yourself- really helpful. Was just in a relationship that was not an act of self love...

I like when he said betrayal of myself is planting the seeds of shame. That helps

I’m in a very dark place right now and your words mean a lot to me on this moment. Thank you 🙏

A your videos are helping me through a disconnect from someone I have loved too much.

Listening to you is an act of self-loving for me

I just love your videos.you seem to understand c PTSD and offer a fresh new insight. I just watched the grieving video and I am hooked.thanks you are like a breath of fresh air to the psychology community. like a ray of sunshine.I know that is korney but your insight is so welcome and hopefull.

Yes! We have to take care of our internal garden, i love gardening and am so kind to plants, why ever am i so hateful to myself ?...mistery.I started weeding these negative thougts years ago, they're so strong though!

Alan, honestly you are an incredible gift to the world. I can relate to everything you say, it's so profound.

Thank you for this!!! I appreciate the "In NO, is YES" distinction. Very clarifying. Also - I am going to make "Is this an act of self-loving?" my new mantra :) Thank you thank you.

Even if I agree we need other people's nourishment, I don't think affirmations that we're appreciated has anything to see with our self-worth. As long as my self-worth depends on other people's opinions (!) it will go up and down. Self-worth doesn't not vary, it's the inner knowing that my imperfections are human thus acceptable.

OMG the part about speaking up.in a relationship hits home right now!!!!

Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge with these incredibly insightful videos. Your presentation is always so eloquent and on point. I’m so thankful that we have this technology which allows us to learn from each other, even though we have never met and our paths may not have otherwise crossed!

Excellent break down, detailed with examples. You are a master communicator well ahead of most clinicians. I very much appreciate you stating that we need others to reflect our humanity to have a sense of self. Can’t wait for your book! It will be phenomenal. Please keep doing this work. So grateful for you.

You are the next step in the process of healing. Thank you for your excellent content.

Oh god, that’s one of my wounds! I fell down while trying to learn to ride my bike by myself and my mom just sat in the house doing nothing and she gave me no pity. This teaches you how not to be a mom.

Thank you again Dr. Alan. "IN NO Is YES"! I love it. We ARE saying yes to being treated with respect and surrounding ourselves with people who treat us kindly. Focus on what we are getting completely changes the dynamics of the way I see setting boundaries. Acknowledging ourselves and asking myself is this an act of self loving! love love love this!

Strategies may work until they no longer do. Ultimately love, unconditional love, is veiled by strategies, goals, purposes, efforts and attempts. You are love. Your whole being is love. Cease all effort and love will start to shine through.

I appreciate this. Watching these are an act of self-loving for me :]

This is scary for me I've been people pleasing for a long time, thanks for your compassion.

"In No is Yes!" simple and very profound...my new mantra :)

Looking at what you're going to gain when you deprive your self from something you shouldnt be doing, is great! I'll use that. Thank you.

Thankyou very helpful. Out of all the videos I watch from the counselling profession. Yours, to me are more in depth and insightful and have a better understanding of the complexity of emotions one can feel.

I love that - finding the YES in the NO

This is another one of your videos where I’m repeatedly thinking, “oh my god. Alan you’re a genius- I gotta write this stuff down” thank you

As I wrote my comment, I found my answer! Yes I would say that I need to eat because it’s what I need. I’m not offending anyone neither am I preventing other from saying what they need. And I would go grab something I really like to eat because most of the times when I’m going out to dinner at night I really don’t enjoy eating much. So there is a reason for me to eat very light after the movie because I’ve eaten before! It’s a win win. Thank you so much!

I really have no words for the impact of your work, thank you so much, from the depth of my heart!

Some parents do tell the child they are an idiot for falling off the bike and that they have failed as a six year old. Then the 6 year old grows up into adult that needs a therapist like you Alan because they think they are worthless and stupid.

You are a great help thank you

I'd just like to echo the appreciation and thanks for your videos. Your teaching and quality information has shown me how little l understand myself and intimate relationships. As fearful as that realisation makes me feel, it's with an equal measure of hope and excitement that l now walk forward.

Great tips Mr. Robarge!!!! I loved your view on boundaries... Recently I've been very anxious since some things had happened that triggered my abuse traumas, and I'm afraid of not being able to set up proper boundaries... So I loved your suggestions, they really shine a light on my path ☀️❤️ thank you so very much for sharing your knowledge 🌞 lots of love from Costa Rica

These videos are immensely helpful as I find my way out of a lifetime of negativity. Your voice is gentle and soothing.

Love your videos! This one is wonderful. I had a friend who always used to tell me to love myself more and that we didn't need other people which is nonsense!! Our inner light needs to be seen and acknowledged! 💛 Thank you for your work.

thank you so much alan.you make me feel better and more optimistic about life.you are a kind soul xx

thank you for taking the time to create this. you are giving me what I need

You name and explain all the feelings I have been grappling with for years. It brings me closer to understanding myself and taking care of myself.

The information you share with us is priceless. Blessings and love to you Alan.

Thank you Alan! Just listening to your videos is comforting, like a hug! 🤗

Thank you for all your videos, they are really helpful. I'm a shame based person, but I do my best to be more loving and kind to myself.. I've been thinking of joining the community but I'm afraid that maybe I wont have the courage to actually comment and share my opinions etc.. the shame is so hard, so I'm afraid I will not be able to contribute the way I want because of the shame and not feeling worthy to take space and share my experience and thoughts..

Excellent!! ♥️🎞😎👍🏻💖

Yes. Brilliant video's. Beautifully explained. Thank you so much.

Alan, you have helped me so much. The information you share is wide. It has made me understand just how deep and wide these waters are. You are kind in understanding this yet don't allow the listener to simply lament their wounds. You present concrete proactive suggestions and on healing. When I think that you have covered all the ground possible that relates to me, I listen to another session and more light is shed on the deep dark corners of these issues. Thank you for being there. I would l ok ve to sit with you and have you tell me what you think. Thank you again.

This is good!!!!!

Brilliant Thank you.

Thanks Alen.

Very useful tips, thank you so much 😊

Thank you so much for your insight. You are helping me recover and become healthy. Your insight is grounded and real to a life real situations. God bless you and your work! Blessings to you!!!!!!!

...this is genius!! every human should be listening to and deeply absorbing these concepts....everyone!! i shared this on facebook.....thanks so so much for all your videos, Allan.....xoxoxoxoxo

Alan, thanks man. This is something that I have needed to hear for a long long time! Your videos are helping me through some tough times. Thank you!

I can not say enough thank you !!!

What happens when you have a partner that seeks nourishment from people in public places, work colleagues, etc, and then comes back to you disconnected because he got validation and these needs met elsewhere? What if his behaviour is so transparent with this, yet he says his feelings towards me are unchanged? The withdraw is so deeply felt. He's like a stranger when this happens.. And for a while there I thought it was just me being difficult. But it's a definite, common pattern.

He is wonderful, keep listening.

I thought I knew what this video would say but I was wrong! Thanks so much for these videos, Alan, this is wonderful.

Thank you so much. You are wonderful.

wonderful video by focus on solutions , which I.really need !! thank you so much 🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀

I just discovered this video in my recommended list today. Thank you so much for your professional insight to loving yourself. When I thought I was on the right track, I all the sudden spiraled. I’m feeling better now that I got your video in my mind. Thank you so much for the guidance. ❤️🎁❤️

Thank you for giving great resumes under your videos.

Love your video's Alan, great insights and they give more clearance and understanding the dynamics! thanks👍

The yes in no concept is so helpful to me, definitely a light bulb moment thank you!!! Will be practicing

Very good Alan. Some great insights and helpful tips...much appreciated 🙂

Very informative. Alan Robarge is so darn good at analogies and just as good if not better, with imaginative examples.

Thank you so much! I feel like this is a life changing video !

Alan, thank you so much. This is exactly what I need right now after breaking up with an emotionally stingy boyfriend.

Thank You so Much for all your videos🙏. It's been really great sources for relationship matters and life changing perspectives to me😊 Thank You. I really appreciate it. Keep going and have good day👍

Hello Alan, I do really appreciate this session about Loving yourself. You have answered some of the questions I was asking lately - THANK YOU for that ! I am a french speaker, and I am not sure I grasped all of the essence of this session; but the lesson really comforting when I understand that loving myself may be painful, because I have to decide on which type of seeds I would like for my "inner garden" - meaning it is not a "takeaway one time cure", but a process ... Still I am convinced a therapist can help when you're looking deep dow with your magnifying glasses, trying to understand what is going on emotionally. Hope I made myself clear. ....How can you relate with people living outside US ? For I went on your site and I could not find this information. Many thanks,

Your the best! Thank you so much for always sharing your knowledge! God bless you!

Very good video!

Finally a rather differentiated view on this topic. Other vids just say love yourself more without saying what it really means and without saying how to do it.

thanks for all your practical suggestions/examples , I really appreciate it .

Thanks for the wonderful insights on self loving.

Beautiful message. Another great video.

Thank you for the share brother

So clear , deep and valuable. Thank you

You have helped me so much. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart ❤️.

You saved my life you a great man

thank you

Great video with great strategies. Thank you!

Thanks for your help which is important!!

Luv you!!!!!! P.x

wow! This was a excellant video. Thank you.

Your videos are a life saver.

I’m really enjoying your videos. Thank you 😊

Sooooo true... ❣️

Thanks Alan, love this video... great content...

Amazing how helpful you are!!!!

Excellent videos! Very informative!