The 17 Secrets to a Successful Relationship

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It’s often said that no one can ever really say what a good relationship is, let alone draw up a checklist for a prospective one. We politely disagree…
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“It’s often said that no one can ever really say what a good relationship is, let alone draw up a checklist for a prospective one. We politely disagree:
1. Pick someone you feel profoundly grateful ever decided to look your way. Start from a sense that you are the lucky one - and that they are superior (the truth is irrelevant).
2. Make sure you fancy them. Check out that you have compatible areas of perversion - and little interest being normal in bed.
3. Allow yourselves both to admit, from an early stage, that you are ‘mad’; heavily distorted by your pasts, unable to understand yourselves, prone to irrational assumptions - and unsteady in your assessments of reality.
4. Make apology the most regular of occurrences. Say sorry about everything all the time and reduce the price of an admission to almost zero.
5. Remove all pride from your character. You were an idiot then, you are an idiot now, you will be an idiot tomorrow. There’s no other option for a human being. Make jokes.
6. Regularly explore how you have disappointed one another. Let them sometimes hate you and you them. Don’t be frightened by anger moderately expressed. The enemy of love is stifled emotion, not maturely explored authenticity. Listen very carefully when they tell you how they feel.
7. Never describe them categorically as this or that (insulting trait). Only ever say: I feel you are this or that… Observe the difference.
8. Get good at sensing the fear beneath your angry moods, then express the fear gently rather than acting out the anger.
9. Reduce expectations of perfection. It’s going to get horrible at times. Allow for major frustrations. You will want to kill them and they you. Don’t.
10. Accept you will have crushes on others. Let them wash over you - and, if the mood is right, share them with the partner.
11. If there are children, recognise that love will suffer hugely. Look forward to properly picking up the baton again in 15 years.
12. Become the sort of person who has no embarrassment about being ‘needy.’ Accept the child in you and look after their needs in the relationship.
13. Read up about attachment theory - and keep the concepts close at hand.
14. Stop being defensive; stop needing to maintain a proud hold on your own dignity. Laugh continually at your foolishness - and apologise for it.
15. Accept that they can’t save you from your own disturbances. Try to be happy in yourself and if you are not, don’t redirect the blame. Observe how often your rocky patches are projected versions of your own life crises. Get a therapist.
16. Don’t expect everything from love.
17. Be very prepared (though reluctant) to leave. Remain out of choice, never desperation.
“
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1 окт 2024

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Комментарии : 523

@halloweenjujube Год назад

My number 18 would be: never criticize your partner in front of others (I see this so much and I think it’s very sad and destructive), and 19 would be to do small things for each other with much enthusiasm. I love to get my husband a glass of water before bed, or make sure his favourite shirt is clean, or buy him a treat while I’m grocery shopping. I am very happy to do these things, and they make him happy, and then he’s happy to do the same for me. A beautiful cycle! ❤️

@gloriousbharat2806 Год назад

You have real love . You really know that Actually Love means serve and not to be served.

@ameeraccle Год назад

Beautiful 🥹

@airamina7293 Год назад

As someone who come from roasting culture, i like to make light and make jokes of my partners deficiencies and so does he with mine and it’s part of a banter. You or others might view that as “criticism” but for is it’s poking fun at reality and it’s something we’re constantly working on but is cool with bantering abt. i 100% agree with your 19th rule

@halloweenjujube Год назад

@@airamina7293 I totally agree that playful fun-poking can be healthy and isn’t necessarily a bad thing! My partner and I do the same - I was talking more about nitpicking or nagging your partner in front of others, in a much more serious tone. ✌️

@PingvinasBuratinas Год назад

Only people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder would do that. No normal person would ever criticise their loved one in-front of other people. That is just sadistic.

@schmooncakes Год назад

“Let them sometimes hate you, and you them. Don’t be frightened by anger moderately expressed. The enemy of love is stifled emotion, not maturely-explored authenticity.”

@MetalCooking666 Год назад

If they hate you then they are emotional abusers and you should end the relationship unless they apologise and stop doing it

@TheDahaka1 Год назад

@@MetalCooking666 My relationship lasted 10 years, about 9 years too many, because she was never able to actually love me, but never told me so. If she were more honest, I would have been able to abandon hope earlier, instead of clinging to the ambiguity. This is NOT about accepting hatred, this is about being honest and discover if there's a way to turn that hatred FOR SOME SMALL PART OF YOU into something positive and constructive. Keeping it repressed, like you apparently do with those you love, is the real abuse, because it will turn into resentment and real harm over time. Tell people if there's something you can't accept in that relationship. You can either work on it together or go your separate ways, and they're both better than not saying anything.

@MetalCooking666 Год назад

@@TheDahaka1 this is the same reply you gave to another comment I made so I will leave the discussion there.

@flori2611 Год назад

simply AWESOME! on point

@SRHisntSilent Год назад

Ayoo Thank you for this

@patatatrice Год назад

“Be very prepared (though reluctant) to leave. Remain out of choice, never desperation.” ahh i felt that.

@Carmen-mp3je Год назад

I am not a native English speaker so I didn’t really understood this last one... could you help me get a better concept? To make the idea clearer?

@Tomezilla514 Год назад

@@Carmen-mp3je Be able to leave a bad relationship, but first try to communicate with your partner and fix issues before doing so. If you can't do that, you must make the choice whether to stay or to leave and accept the consequences for either choice you decide to make. Don't stay with someone because you think you won't be able to find someone else. Have an "abundance" mindset versus a "scarcity" mindset. There will always be another person.

@portobellomushroom5764 Год назад

@@Carmen-mp3je It could be rephrased as "Be ready if you need to leave, but don't be excited about being ready." It shows that you are with your partner because you want to be with them because you like them, not because you need them to provide for your safety and security.

@m2pozad Год назад

@@Tomezilla514 True, to a limited extent. The grass is not greener about half the time. In which case, leaving will develop it's own pattern and problems.

@narisa6216 Год назад

I don't understand what it means, can you explain ? (not english native lanngage=

@ailurii Год назад

1. Pick someone you feel profoundly grateful ever decided to look your way. Start from a sense that you are the lucky one. 2. Make sure you fancy them intimately. 3. Allow yourselves both to admit from an early stage that you are ‘mad’. 4. Make apology the most regular of occurrences. 5. Remove all pride from your character. 6. Regularly explore how you have disappointed one another. Let them sometimes hate you, and you them. 7. Never describe them categorically as this or that. (i.e. “I feel like you’re being unfair”, not “You’re being unfair”) 8. Get good at sensing the fear beneath your angry moods, then express the fear gently rather than acting out the anger. 9. Reduce expectations of perfection. 10. Accept you will have crushes on others. 11. If there are children, recognize that love will suffer hugely. 12. Become the sort of person who has no embarrassment about being ‘needy’. 13. Read up about attachment theory. 14. Stop being defensive. 15. Accept that they can’t save you from your own disturbances. 16. Don’t expect everything from love. 17. Be very prepared (though reluctant) to leave.

@DivineLightPaladin Год назад

❤ appreciate your kindness 😊

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

I'm good with all but crushes-what does that even mean? I expect, and give 💯% of my heart. Fear expressed through only invites negativity and confusion for the other person. I never hate even those whom most would expect me to. It is an unhealthy emotion. I cannot hate the person I hold dear in my heart. Anger is natural and essential but needs to be communicated in a safe non+threatening

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

Fear expressed through anger and with verbal abuse is not conducive to a healthy and safe long-term relationship.

@thedreamer215 Год назад

@SteelHorse-gh5cd From my perspective, it seems like they are talking about lust. Lust is primal to me, and it's unavoidable. The world is filled with attractive people who will come up occasionally on our social media apps or in shows/movies. When I see a beautiful woman and I'm out with my current/ ex-boyfriend, I will say she's beautiful. I'm not offended if he looks her way. I trust him completely. A crush will past. If we didn't learn this life lesson ourselves, then I'll share my experience. Getting with your crush does not equal lifetime happiness. The attraction is usually physical and we tend to form an image of the crush as someone more fitting to our needs without knowing the individual more. Upon getting to know our crush, some people lose interest because there's no chemistry or common interests. Many of us prefer to have a physical, emotional, soul, etc connection with our partner. In time, a lot of individuals learn that looks alone will not fulfill their needs in a relationship. But, we should all do what makes us happy. My current/ex partner has difficulty with letting go his pride. It's why we are in relationship limbo. And it's probably why this relationship will end. Don't let your pride ruin your happiness. Stay blessed everyone 💞

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

Lust is primal and intense but in my humble opinion does not always exist separate from love.

@Yukajoseph 2 дня назад

Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of him. Despite my efforts to bring him back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for him, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing him.

@JessicaAnotii 2 дня назад

It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.

@Yukajoseph 2 дня назад

Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?

@JessicaAnotii 2 дня назад

His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

@JessicaAnotii 2 дня назад

he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.

@Yukajoseph 2 дня назад

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤

@daviddonnelly2700 Год назад

I find that most problems in life - and in relationships - are that as humans we are extremely prone to jumping to conclusions. And very often our conclusions are quite wrong. Which leads to destructive thoughts and actions. Dont jump to a conclusion ever - ask!

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

I am guilty of doing this. My man has difficulty clearly communicating but I don't help matters when I assume he means something when that has not been overtly stated. I need some communication from him directly using his words to let me know he cares. Right now, I feel very unclear and love him dearly. Due to his inability to communicate I am left wondering if he cares at all and if he is just playing me for a fool.

@Jajaxg Год назад

@@SteelHorse-gh5cd same, but I'm still here loving him.

@aarush2507 Год назад

What saved my marriage? We quit drinking. And I stopped watching sports 15 hours every weekend. Never been happier. Instead of sitting in front of a tv drinking a beer, we spend time together. We play lots of couple games. "Lovify" being our personal favorite. We guess each other expectations on Lovify to understand each other better. We go to the range on the weekends and I go to hobby lobby with her. Life is great 💗

@sobrevida157 Год назад

18. Strive, every moment, to approach your partner (and the world) with curiosity and wonder, rather than judgment.

@MetalCooking666 Год назад

If people don’t want to be judged then they should stop being assholes

@shining_sea-gish8885 Год назад

beautifully said!

@visheshabeyratne9345 Год назад

"The enemy of love is stifled emotion, not maturely explored authenticity." Beautifully said.

@MetalCooking666 Год назад

Beautifully said but woefully misguided. I don’t go around telling people I love that I hate them. It’s emotional abuse.

@TheDahaka1 Год назад

@MetalCooking666 Год назад

@@TheDahaka1 I don’t keep hatred repressed, I just don’t feel it. I don’t understand where you are getting that from. I agree that you should have left that relationship earlier, but that doesn’t seem relevant to what we are discussing here. The most charitable interpretation that I can think of is that you think you should be honest about how you feel, even if it’s negative, so that you either resolve a problem without allowing it to fester and turn into resentment or walk away. If that’s the case, then sure - I agree. But that’s not the same as *hating* someone. Being annoyed, angry, upset or frustrated with someone =/= *hating* them.

@TheDahaka1 Год назад

@@MetalCooking666 The video talks about "sometimes hating them". That does not mean actually hating them, but being deeply annoyed at something they've done or said, and that happens in every single relationship. Hate might be a stronger word than you like, but it expresses the feeling that many people have in otherwise loving relationships, and if they're there, not talking about them brings only more suffering down the line. You said that you don't tell that you hate something about them to people you love, that's what makes me think that you try to push down complaints and negative emotions instead of talking to them about it. If you don't and you're actually incapable of feeling any sort of deep negative (momentary) emotion about the people you love, then you might be the most accepting person on the planet and this video is not for you, but for almost anyone else these are excellent suggestions.

@MetalCooking666 Год назад

@@TheDahaka1 if it doesn’t mean actually hating them then Alain shouldn’t have used that word. I never said you should repress anger, so this is a straw man

@mr.peanutbutter6969 Год назад

Relationship goals with normal people.

@alexisunited Год назад

You're Spot on .... but there is one thing :( ..... look arround ..... people are getting mad , toxic and crazy, good luck on those who are looking for a longterm relationship

@LALA.9 Год назад

Keyword: normal 😂

@mohit_930 Год назад

Keyword: normal

@missmarthafawker Год назад

This is relationship goals in general. Not with normal people. Normal is subjective.

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

Normal? That's a thinker but definitely something I am striving for in any future relationship. I only want peace, love, happiness and no matter what loyalty and honesty. Without the last two there is no relationship.

@AnnoDomini97 Год назад

Possible #18 - Choose someone who you could see as one of your best friends. You can laugh, be yourself, and share things with, without fearing judgement. You actually look forward to seeing them.

@viktorpetukhov727 Год назад

Instructions unclear, got friendzoned

@nicholaswojtyna6788 Год назад

This one only works if you laid out the ground rules that you're looking for a relationship and that intentions have already been communicated.

@gatorssbm Год назад

@@nicholaswojtyna6788 Yup just nearly got friendzoned til I decided to be upfront about it, luckily they kinda suspected awhile and it wasnt a complete shocker and thankfully I didnt get rejected.

@williamorensky4785 Год назад

I feel like rule number 18 is a combination of a few of the rules in this video

@marie-marie9645 Год назад

18. Something I learned in couples counseling is to always be open to learning from your partner and about your partner. This helps mutual respect grow and for the the relationship to evolve positively. When you’re able to teach each other things you’re not too well versed in, you learn so much more about yourself and each other.

@bruhdabones 6 месяцев назад

That's the Michelangelo thingy, right?

@crishuez Год назад

I would never share my crushes with my partner. I don't see any reason to tell him I have feelings for another man. What would that do for him? It would make him feel sad and I think you guys missed the mark here. Just my opinion.

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

I really never have crushes. I'm an all or nothing kind of person as far as romantic relationships go.

@crishuez Год назад

Me too@@SteelHorse-gh5cd

@mmm24ist 10 месяцев назад

How you can tell the difference between a crush and actual emotional cheating on your partner? Not implying anything, I'm just curious, as I had a disagreement in this area with my ex-wife (which tells a lot, about how our disagreement went in this area)...

@brugo Год назад

How could we ever live without Alan's voice and guidance?

@halloweenjujube Год назад

I agree that all of these make for a healthy relationship - EXCEPT sharing your crushes. 🤦‍♀️ I would wholly recommend not doing that.

@marie-marie9645 Год назад

My spouse and I did this and it helped see what we were missing or avoiding with each other. There’s a healthy way to do it. I feel the point is to remain transparent and truthful with your partner and not hide these type of things.

@erinsuzy613 Год назад

How would you handle it if he had to be around the girl though?

@halloweenjujube Год назад

@@erinsuzy613 I don’t know what you’re asking, exactly - how would I handle being in the presence of both my husband and a woman he had a harmless crush on? I wouldn’t know, and she wouldn’t know, so… 🤷🏻‍♀️

@halloweenjujube Год назад

@@marie-marie9645 I respectfully disagree. Perhaps there are partnerships that could benefit from sharing this information with each other - but I would bet that most would not, and would instead suffer. Human beings are fragile and sensitive creatures - we are already constantly comparing ourselves to others, we don’t need to know that our partner may be doing the same thing. Also, a quality your partner might be admiring in another person, be it physical or a personality trait, may be unavailable to you for a myriad of reasons. I just think it’s risking hurting your partner, and keeping these things to yourself is completely healthy and harmless.

@crishuez Год назад

I heard this one and was like nope... This one is going to hurt a partner who has been cheated on or betrayed. Leave your crushes to yourself. Why would a partner need to hear that you have feelings for someone else? This is just wrong.

@muditashukla9218 10 месяцев назад

I agree to all of them except the one about having other crushes.😅

@MarcPlaysDrums Год назад

This is so encouraging because my wife and I are still happily married and everything in this list is my outlook on our relationship. Some I’ve/we’ve learned and some I/we came into the relationship with. But, we have realized that we are truly meant for each other.

@Cam-gz6wx Год назад

Sort yourself out before getting into a relationship. Many of us have childhood trauma that causes bad traits. These bad traits can cause relationship damage over time. Some of us think we don't have trauma because we are good at covering it up but sometimes if you look carefully you might realize you actually do. Figure it out, heal the trauma. Don't drag that trauma into a relationship. If you are already in a relationship it isn't too late to fix that trauma. It could do your relationship the world of good.

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

I am doing exactly this and I pray my partner will do the same. He has many issues and/or hang-ups because of many unhealthy prior relationships. For example, the mother of his children sounds toxic but due to his love of kids he will always have to be in a relationship with her. She sounds controlling and I worry he will never be able to commit to any other lady honestly and openly. I don't like to see him manipulated because he loves his kids and never wants harm or unhappiness for them.

@kttrrin 7 месяцев назад

Everybody has childhood trauma, not just some. Our parents did the best they could but everyone fucks up, unfortunately. For some people it takes a lifetime to heal that trauma. Does that mean they don't deserve to love and to be loved? I think we all deserve love and relationship can be a great space and power to evolve, and sometimes grow through another person and the lessons that relationships bring with them, as long as you're willing to put the effort. Although it is important to acknowledge your traumas and put actual effort to working through them, it doesn't mean you should stay single for the rest of your life because of your traumas. It's just not realistic.

@_CoachW Год назад

My #18 would be listen without expectation. When I did an assessment of my closest friends of 30+ years as well as my wife I realized that we did not have many similar interests, a few sure but not many. On a trip of self discovery I realized often people listen to others for what they want or expect to hear, or merely listen till it's their turn to talk. I don't know how else to explain it, but when my wife and I listen to each other. Are there things we would like to hear, sure. But there's no expectation, their words are part of who they are and as we accept each other for who we are. The words are not held to an expected script. Yes we disagree, and agree, and laugh, and cry. We are surprised by each other and do as expected. When I think of the difference in relationships that didn't work out I feel that was the big thing. In their heads or mine at the time there was an expected script as opposed to just listening without expectation or judgement.

@sweetcherry7759 10 месяцев назад

0:24 This is terrible advice for someone who has hyper low self esteem due to being severely abused

@coachingbybms Час назад

As someone who has kids, I'll push back on #11. IF you put your marriage first, and prioritize growth and learning the rules of a healthy relationship, your love does not have to suffer.

@lesliewit Год назад

I would say don't make your partner read the tea leaves regarding yourself and your inner life. Clearly express your thoughts and feelings.

@torreykat Год назад

This one. I wanna scream this from the rooftops. Say what you want. Say what hurts you. Say what you're afraid of. Say what you love about them. Say what bothers you. Then look for the people who are okay with you being this level of open.

@JudiVentress Год назад

@@torreykatindeed... This level of maturity and security would have helped me in my relationships. But, I was always too timid to speak up... However, I've worked on voicing my opinions and releasing attachments to what people think about me... I'm not quite there yet, but the awareness has also helped me realize I'm not yet ready for a serious relationship... There's hope for me yet. 😉

@nikiepunt8631 Год назад

I dont agree with a lot of these. Saying sorry all of the time is really bad for you and it takes all meaning from the word sorry. Never share your crush on someone else unless you are prepared to leave the current relationship. You can talk about attraction but not a crush, know the difference. I do however agree to not take things too personal so that feelings can be explored and to not get stagnated. So anger moderately expressed to be heard is a very good one.

@theschooloflifetv Год назад

Is there an eighteenth secret you would add? Let us know in the comments

@nizasiamehenry Год назад

Rapture and Repair!

@CamillaNessan Год назад

Don’t lose yourself in a relationship, your self identity is important to keep and develop Not to get buried.

@Mindseas Год назад

18. Accept that they, like you, are an adult, and limiting your own or anyone else is not love, it's control. Let go of all control, and accept what is. Let your partner stay on their own terms, and because of who you are. Not because of what you do or say. 19. Take the risk by oversharing, never hold the truth of how you feel inside, of what you want inside. Don't expect the other to respond in a way you'd want, but hope they'll listen and want to understand. Do the same to them. I would also suggest that 4. would benefit from additional qualification;; saying sorry for everything makes saying sorry meaningless. Only say sorry when you know what you're saying sorry for. Be curious to find out how you've wronged them.

@Savemefromtheoctipie Год назад

Beep beep lettuce

@bakhtawartagar7507 Год назад

18. Show interest in their interests. 19. Travel together!

@CamillaNessan Год назад

Beautifully said, certainly in relationship listening is important, listening without judgement or giving unsolicited advice, listening is good enough and compassion. Finally relationships are not forever and rarely lasts. So financial never depend on anyone.

@Bat_Boy Год назад

Here this might help…awareness is the first step, practice is the next: *Quick Verbage Reference* Counter successfully 1) Avoid direct advice with “Have you considered…” 2) “I understand you see it that way, however, I see it differently.” 3) Sandwich the bad, between the good 4) “That’s a very good point, and I would like to add… 5) “What I’m trying to get across is…a nuance…” 6) “Can I ask you a question?” Reflecting skills / active listening 1) “That’s interesting, why would you say that? Feel that? Think that?” 2) “So what you are saying is…” 3) Clearly identify the emotion the speaker is attempting to convey (if there is one). Empathize. Validate, if possible. “I’m so sorry that happened to you. How do you feel about what happened?” 4) “What I’m hearing is…” 5) “How are you feeling about…? today?”

@krissifadwa Год назад

"The enemy of love is stifled emotion, not maturely explored authenticity." Man, so true

@jamnoise72 Год назад

You will want to kill them and they, you... DON'T lol ;) OK then !!

@xigame3362 5 месяцев назад

“You were an idiot then, you’re the idiot now, you will be an idiot tomorrow. There’s no other option for a human being.” I really like this one 😆

@lesspeculiar Год назад

I love 16 and 17, reminding us that love is not always how we imagine them to be.. and that leaving when a relationship is no longer growing is still a testament of love, in its liberating form.

@Bat_Boy Год назад

It’s hard having a relationship with siblings because they are afflicted with the same childhood issues (often, unaware). I call it “the dad disease”. So, if relationships are like “two porcupines trying to hug each other”, when it comes to immediate family members, it’s best to find the right distance to do so. Not too close, not too far. Good luck!

@elucified Год назад

Oh man, your comment within the supposed romantic context of this video had me VERY confused.

@helenc1668 Год назад

😂 That advice is golden! ❤️ My brother and I are definitely two porcupines! 😂 I love the analogy. Going to team your advice with the line "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and myself too." Not too close, not too far... 👍

@TheJaseku Год назад

And don't have children with your siblings, it makes stuff quite complicated. lolz.

@Bat_Boy Год назад

@@TheJaseku - you perv! 🤣

@Nerf_Jeez Год назад

alABaMA!

@Nakka92 Год назад

If you’re saying sorry all the time for things that aren’t your fault, having the mindset that they are the superior one and you just got lucky, and acting needy about your lacks before at least trying to learn how to address them in a way that doesn’t affect your relationship, eventually you’ll lose your partner’s respect.

@hannafriesen5113 Год назад

you are missing the reciprocity

@Nakka92 Год назад

@@hannafriesen5113 of course, that’s a must. If you only take but don’t give back, you’ll end up alone sooner or later

@lefteris1976 Год назад

agree with all, apart from the crushes one.

@excripto1 Год назад

Not everybody is meant to be in a relationship. Life has a different plan for everyone and some may die without ever having been with someone. Some couples no matter how healthy their relationship is end up splitting due to different reasons while there are toxic relationships that are still together. So life works in mysterious ways.

@chiquita683 Год назад

Yes

@chiquita683 Год назад

@@paprikamutseactually sounds like you havent been in a long term one

@excripto1 Год назад

@@paprikamutseSounds like you just don’t know about life.

@excripto1 Год назад

@@paprikamutseYou are the type of guy that gets a girlfriend and thinks he is better than everyone who is single.

@dank3k Год назад

I don't think you should be thinking about if you're meant to be in a relationship or not. Instead, look to be kind and have fun with the people around you; a (good) relationship will come naturally. If you're forcing things, it won't. Regardless if you fancy relationships or situationships, placing yourself in a box that will ultimately limit you, I feel it's a net negative in the long term, and you might just be looking for labels with meaning where there might be none.

@kimberknutson831 Год назад

Like pretty much everything you folks at the School of Life produce, this is simple, direct, profound, wise, funny, brilliant, and otherwise excellent. The ability to take incredibly complex subjects and identify and outline the essential components is difficult and rare, and I really appreciate how often you all do just that. Thank you. : )

@darkeuphoria16 Год назад

This is hands down one of the most helpful and validating videos I've ever seen on the topic of relationships

@RadislavPirgozliev 5 месяцев назад

18. Focus on inter communication and interlocution. Make sure there is gender equalness. This is the way of purity. 😇

@nightrider6136 Год назад

Take a walk together, drink a cup of tea together, wake up with a cup of coffee together, read together, watch a film together. And talk, listening to each other.

@ZalmanNelson Год назад

That's good advice and very true. Relationships have to be developed and invested in, built up. And that comes through positive shared experiences, ways in which you continue to get to know each other. And your last point is super crucial. Feeling heard and understood, understanding and hearing your partner, is essential. And that doesn't mean you necessarily agree or that you have to give up your turn to share what you think and feel.

@theManishMuse Год назад

I didn’t agree with the first three and then confused if this was a reversal and then it started to get healthy again but then I stopped playing coz I lost trust in this list.

@bakhtawartagar7507 Год назад

Oh #6 and #7 are so darn important! And oh oh oh #12 had me all emotional - I used to be embarrassed of being needy, but then learnt with someone it's OK cuz they have their needs too. the whole world needs to see this video and this channel!

@colin-nekritz Год назад

I couldn’t tell if this was a parody or serious

@lalalalala17 Год назад

Sam, I disagree with like 90% of it!

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

Me either🤬

@lesliewit Год назад

I would also say approach the relationship earnestly and with positive intent. If you find yourself lying or even being manipulative about the relationship you probably have a more serious problem and you should address that rather than cover it with antisocial Behavior.

@Cam-gz6wx Год назад

Don't date someone you wouldn't marry. You might fall in love with someone who is not good for you or maybe you have a baby with them and get stuck with someone you wouldn't have chosen to marry. Have a non-negotiable list that you have written down of values and characteristics in a partner that are non-negotiable. E.g. they must treat everyone, regardless of who they are, with kindness and respect. The way they treat the waiter today is how they will treat you tomorrow. Be picky when it comes to values and character. If someone does not meet one of your non-negotiables do not even go on a date with them.

@lalalalala17 Год назад

I really thought this video was a joke that was going to be subverted by the end of the video. 1. Putting your partner on a pedestal is a dangerous way to view anyone. Aren’t you the guys that say on one is perfect? Why would you deceive yourself? You can still love someone and show consistent affection without this. 2. Sure, checking if you sexually are compatible is important. However, you can accept whatever type of sex you want. ‘Little interest being normal in bed’ is such a lame line. How could you tell anyone what they HAVE to have an interest in. Very unhealthy. 3. Having to admit you’re ‘mad’ when you may not necessarily feel that way is opening yourself up to an insecurity in how you perceive reality. You should be validated in how you perceive situations, otherwise you are vulnerable to emotional manipulation. 4. Don’t say sorry for ‘everything’. This is not a genuine apology. A real apology is a combination of an understanding of your mistake, how it made the other person feel and what you can do to remedy it or do the right thing next time. Obviously, be ready to come to an understanding of what you did wrong. 5. Pride and dignity are feelings you can feel. If it makes you feel better, call it security. How can you ever be a responsible and independent person without this? 6. Hate is a strong word. You shouldn’t hate your partner. You can feel resentment and work it through truthfully. Also, as a woman, you’re most likely to be killed by someone that is your partner. Saying they’ll want to kill you is not too funny. 7. Saying you feel is a great way of expressing how you feel. That’s fine. 8. This is fine too. 9. It is never ‘good’ to be horrible 10. Fine. But you don’t have to if it won’t hurt anyone and you’re actions aren’t 11. Love doesn’t disappear for 15 years with children. In fact, it is a great opportunity to show your children what it means to be in a healthy relationship and maintain connections. It is fine to split if you only hurt one another. 12. Fine 13. You don’t have to do this. Be aware that a cookie cutter definition doesn’t have to apply to you directly and you don’t have to take the associated advice on face value. 14. You can feel defensive. There is often a reason why, even if it turns out to be more unrelated to your partner. This could be hormonal or emotional in yourself. Once you recognize this, you can be mindful about how you project your feelings and understand them. 15. Fine. You don’t always need a therapist. It’s good for many people but doesn’t have to for you. This doesn’t mean you’re a failure. 16. Fine. 17. You don’t have to be reluctant. Feel sure in how you feel after spending times thinking through your feelings and reasons. It’s not always easy to know how you feel and what you want to do.

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

Yes I am fucked-up, insecure, neurotic and emotional but never dull, right? Normal, yeah yeah - I can be close

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

Normal would be super nice to enjoy for a change

@raynathiel8800 10 месяцев назад

To say I’ve seen each of these things at in my relationship already at the age of 18, even if it was only a few times for some, makes me feel so happy and lucky to be with the partner I have. We’re so young and we still have years ahead of us to learn; I’m ready to take on all the ups and downs, and I’m excited to see where we end up in the future. He’s my light, my rock, my biggest encourager and comfort when I need someone to lean on. I’m perfectly aware of the fact that no one is perfect but that only makes me love him more.

@ProdByBleakk Месяц назад

how are you doing now?

@raynathiel8800 23 дня назад

@@ProdByBleakk sorry random person on the internet, I accidentally wrote a whole essay for a reply… but here goes 😅 I just started my freshman year of college about a week ago, and he’s still a senior in high school, so that also means we just started our first year of long distance. He’s my best friend and I am his, so it’s going to take a bit of adjustment on both sides going forward especially since we’ve been with each other almost every day in the last year or so (we’ve been together for 2 1/2 years). I’m so excited for what the future holds for me while I’m at college, but I’m also very introverted so I can struggle to make connections with new people… I know I’ll figure it out eventually but I still miss him in this initial isolation. I’m three hours away from home so it’s like I started with a completely blank slate. But as for our relationship, our connection continues to grow stronger and stronger over time. We’ve gone through some pretty rough patches/struggles since the last comment I wrote, but through all of that we’ve never held on to resentment towards the other for more than a day or two at the very most. As for any conflicts we’ve come across, we’ve been able to talk through things while listening to each others’ perspective and work out how to make compromises. We’d have however many conversations it took for the issue to be resolved, and each time our relationship came out noticeably stronger than it was before. He makes me so incredibly happy and if there’s one thing I can say I love about our relationship, it’s the way we each prioritize the other person’s happiness and satisfaction, the way we push each other to achieve big things. It’s been a common theme between us that we highly value each other’s wellbeing. We fill each other in on our day-to-day lives, we plan our futures together, we support each other through every struggle and every success. I’m so lucky to have him, and currently as I’m still brand new to college, I miss him more than ever :(

@roosa1281 Год назад

Absolutely don't agree with all of these. 😬

@Muzzy68 2 месяца назад

I’m 56 and had two long relationships that needed quite badly. A few years back I had the good fortune to meet a man , somewhat younger than me that naturally lives by most of those 17 ‘rules’. It’s the best relationship I’ve had and the happiest. He lets me be myself, nothing is off limits to talk about, my huge insecurities are acceptable to him and he listens and responds positively. Love, understanding, attraction, adventure - that’s the way to go together

@sebastianelytron8450 Год назад

Imagine how many single people there would be in the world if #17 was applied universally.

@JoshMarshain Год назад

I feel 17 is becoming more common and more important a talking point in modern relationships, emphasis of relationships, actual serious couples outside of the nightmare that is the dating scene. The conscious choice to wake up each day and say "No I do not need to stay, but yes I'd very much like to" is about as romantic as it gets

@Tomezilla514 Год назад

@@JoshMarshain I completely agree!

@nicolaiqbal6823 Год назад

I think more people now will have no choice but to stay, I am lucky I can afford to live single, but it is a cost of living crisis now, rents, mortgages, food and fuel more expensive - many people just cannot afford to live without a 2nd wage 😢 so no choice!

@nameunknown1519 Год назад

As it should be. Being in a relationship is not a flex. It is perfectly fine to be single.

@housewoodrow Год назад

Some of these 'secrets' desperately need caveats.

@Present4 Год назад

I would have restated #1 but agree wholeheartedly with many others. Especially #17. It gives you freedom to express yourself, with love.

@sanchari.c 10 месяцев назад

Or, 17 ways to become a good, mentally healthy and balanced person who recognizes that not everything has to be perfect and rosy for life to be good. Loved this!

@josemiguelnuno Год назад

Not sure about number 1. I feel like I’m lucky but she’s also lucky. I’m also a good match and I think one should see themselves as good as the partner. A healthy self esteem reduces the number of expectations on the other person. Because you are also capable of taking care of yourself. If you think you’re only the lucky one it leads to idealizing and that’s not too good. Also if you feel you’re the lucky one and it’s the wrong person you’re doomed. You need to have a good perspective of yourself to know when it’s fair to walk away. Otherwise you justify invasion of your boundaries just because how lucky you are to find this person and no one is perfect.

@defenderofwisdom Год назад

I suppose this is our primary difference... We do not have to love exclusively from places of pity, feelings of being pathetic, or from places of loathing. Yes I do embrace the realism that does love and accept all our flaws. But we may love one another also from places of triumph, pride and glory.

@boyera23 Год назад

Yes ❤

@pixxelina1472 Год назад

18: Choose a partner you'd wanna be friends with - even if you weren't attracted to him.

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

I'm lucky to have found a man I was friends with first and always felt drawn to and finally let myself go where my heart and body led me and it is so worth it!

@xoxothelibrariangirl6561 Год назад

I could listen to Alain's voice until the end of time.

@hannahrial2820 Год назад

Agreed

@nizasiamehenry Год назад

Thanks to the school of life crew for yet another masterpiece.

@theschooloflifetv Год назад

Many thanks for watching

@JoshMarshain Год назад

Doing this right, for a long time, is hard as is, it's like maintaining a baby, adding an ACTUAL baby to the scenario seems insane to me

@SaraChibani 10 месяцев назад

Am I the only one choked by N°10?! Is it normal that your partner will come and says, " Oh, i have a crush on my new colleague?

@articmonkeyslover 9 месяцев назад

I do not think it is normal to have crushes while in a healthy relationship, nor that the partner will take it so candidly. I know I wouldn’t.

@darkestuberwald1725 Год назад

I think that a setup in which you "feel lucky a person looked your way" creates a pretext of lack of self worth, and that is not a good base to have any relationship in your life. This would be a potentially dangerous advice to some.

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

Always value yourself and all you have to offer. You are a prize.❤

@royalusala8527 8 месяцев назад

Number 3 sums it all up..

@greenvelvet 4 месяца назад

Some of these seem really weird. Like apologizing profusely for everything all the time.

@roses6564 6 месяцев назад

Insist on excellent, layered compatibility at the mate selection stage. Ensure optimization pre-marital commitment. If they call you too picky, entitled, Chaddy Chaser and so on, push back. They have no idea you insist on compatibility, not on Chad's bank account or sundry glories. The best relationships on Earth are the Comprehensively Romantic ones. The matches made in Heaven are designed to last forever without "hard work" since there is excellent compatibility on all fronts, including the whole, which more than the sum of its parts. There is also symbiotic complementarity. This means the two are similar in many ways but where different, those differences complement each other pleasantly, instead of causing frustrations in each other and a constant need for compromise.

@scentsandgems Год назад

Yesterday I was in Berlin in Lychener Straße and sadly yout shop was closed. I loved all the book titles and cardgames displayed. Thank you for your soothing voice and your ideas. Your video on forgiveness saved my relationship on vacation lately. Thank you, Alain. Greetings from Leipzig Yasmin

@danamckerrow9902 Год назад

Suggest #18 as: if you feel you can't share this article with your partner, without conflict, then please review #17

@abhay8437 Год назад

I have now spent 27 years and 100% of my life single on this earth. Why am I even watching this?

@torreykat Год назад

Fwiw these tips actually help you find and stay with healthy friends too. Relationships don't have to be romantic to require care and communication. My longest lasting friendships have many highlights of these tips, and I've walked away from ones that never developed any of these traits. They're generally useful tidbits for human interactions I think.

@abhay8437 Год назад

@@torreykat True dat. Earlier, I was only sad about being single. Now I am sad about being lonely as well.

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

To give into love - together forever ❤️

@kushagrano1 Год назад

Sometimes you'd want to kill them Don't :p Well said Point taken 😂

@askew9976 8 месяцев назад

This is great advice. Genuinely be mature and respectful. Keep an open mind and heart. Open communication. Communication is so huge, talk to your partner openly and without judgement. You should be so comfortable and confident that nothing is taboo. Never forget what it was that brought you together. Keep that up.

@djayjp Год назад

Pretty good, but I feel this emboldens people who really do have deep problems to keep having them and that it normalizes them.

@MetalCooking666 Год назад

This x100. This is my problem with School of Life. I think they are good at diagnosing where a lot of problematic behaviours come from, but where they go wrong is in enabling and excusing that behaviour. You might have been through some horrible experience in your childhood or a previous relationship that messed you up, but ultimately it’s your job to fix that. It’s not everyone else’s job to just put up with you.

@djayjp Год назад

@@MetalCooking666 100%

@aktywnyobserwator5868 11 месяцев назад

Yes, very helpful, some err interesting: point two 🙂,. but it lacks ONE very important point: spirituality !! Which helps enormously to control ego and pacify the mind... Old school saying goes like "If they pray together will stay together" ! OMMM, Greetings from Polska.

@Rodaan 2 месяца назад

Wow, so much of it I am doing the opposite of. made me cry with actual tears, for the amount of frustration I probably give my partner, for the embarrassment I feel for being almost 40 years old and still not knowing how to deal with relationship in a better way. I am so lucky to have her. Thank you for this kind reminder! ❤

@idegafa Год назад

I think more people need to live by number 17, tbh

@АзаматханАрифханов Год назад

I feel like the content of these videos is extremely useful and non-obvious. But. It is also quite complex. I mean from the point of view of the English language. As a not native English speaker i hardly understand the meaning :D Psychology theme is something difficult even in native language. And of courae, it's a challenge to get it in English)

@33Jenesis Год назад

Looking at this list, I wonder how many good deeds one had to do from 7 past lives in order to be thus level of clarity and self awareness, and powerball lotto luck, to be in a success relationship described here.

@duckduck7799 Год назад

The biggest obstacle to being close is fear. Fear that you might get hurt, fear you might hurt the other; I believe the most important thing is to dive in, even if the result may betray you. Since it is our only, specific, destinated life to love.

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

Real Love means never being afraid. There are many people who use the word loosely, or overuse it. I use it the way I believe it was intended to convey a depth of feeling, a commitment, a choice I have made to act with concern for the well-being of another and with my only goal being to bring them happiness and do whatever I can do to help them in any way possible.

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

True love and the word betrayal do not belong in the same sentence. Never forget that.

@mtmtmtmt Год назад

If I suspect my partner is a robot following a psychological guidance, I QUIT. He, she, has to be him herself.

@yowwwwie Год назад

#18.......act out of humility, not pride. #19.....recognize that there is a power greater than yourself and that you are made in the image of that power (יהוה). שלום יוי

@JPcommunicates 7 месяцев назад

What kind of advices are those? That is super toxic and not authentic.

@solarmaru49 4 месяца назад

One that is grounded in truth and not in your media fuelled ideation of “authenticity” How’s your recent break up?

@chiquita683 Год назад

Say sorry all the time and it loses its meaning and when a fight happens there is no closure. These seem like great ways to start a first few months to a year of a relationship, won't work to maintain a long term one after the initial lust phase is passed and life begins

@torreykat Год назад

So, I think if saying "sorry" is being done in a way to dodge the 'anger moderately expressed' then it'll lose all meaning. But the key doesn't lie in the word, it's in how you use it--if you and your partner are quick to say "I'm sorry" because you're both comfortable with the idea you could have caused hurt or done wrong without knowing it, and also that by admitting it you are signaling willingness to hear your partner and mend things...then it's quite helpful to say "sorry" very very often since you never lose the meaning and you get quite a lot of resolution. It's just important both of you are doing it, not just one partner. At least that's how I've found it working out in my life, both romantic and platonic relationships. If you can both get on that same page, things are healthy and happy for a long time.

@MetalCooking666 11 месяцев назад

@@torreykat So do you apologise on the basis that you "could" have done something wrong without realising it, not because you accept that you actually did something wrong?

@potapotapotapotapotapota Год назад

Do everything out of love, because all rules come down to this one thing. Remember: truth without love is arrogant self-righteousness and hypocrisy, but love without truth is well-intentioned harm and stupidity.

@mengmeng243 Год назад

Thank u for this I'm finally going to find someone 😊

@theschooloflifetv Год назад

Wishing you the very best of luck!

@Vecio.Nandes 10 месяцев назад

1:59 You will want to kill them and they you. DON'T. 😂 This statement is creepy as hell!!! I'm single and so will I stay

@raynathiel8800 10 месяцев назад

Lol it is 😂 I think it just means you shouldn’t hold those emotions back, which could create even more long term resentment in the end - those kinds of things should be talked about right away.

@janelfrederick9600 Год назад

I will return to this every so often to refresh my outlook on my love

@missmarthafawker Год назад

And like them. Love is nice but you have to like someone for who they are in order to want to be with them forever. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It means that you not only love them but you like them too. And both go hand in hand in the marriage kayak….

@sweetbeep 11 месяцев назад

Why do they keep showing gay couples?

@Asya062 Год назад

Why does the very first advice not feel right? Why must I feel grateful that someone "ever decided to look my way", as if I'm an item in the supermarket that no one else wanted? I think it's a very bad choice of words from your side. To feel grateful for the person because they make you happy - yes.

@MammaSoulRipples Год назад

Agreed! #1 & #4 Sound like a narcissistist dream & codependent's nightmare! Speaking from a recovering codependent perspective here... Otherwise the list seems like good general guidelines for relatively healthy individuals. ❤

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

Just plain ole' happy

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

I pray that I can have an open, honest, sincere and loving relationship with a man who makes me crazy happy and with whom i laugh constantly. I am one for loyalty, faithfulness and commitment. I fear he is not interested in the same.

@TheJaseku Год назад

18. Your partner can not read your mind, remember that! Stolen from J B Peterson.

@GordonPavilion Год назад

Beat me to it…You read my mind

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

Hmmm or can he?

@nicolaiqbal6823 Год назад

Much as I mostly like this kind of video, I cannot help feeling there is one big elephant in the room: the fact that many people simply cannot keep a roof over their head without a 2nd wage. They may do all of what is advised to keep a bearable atmosphere at home, but a fundamental reason why they are staying with a partner is financial. This has been the case throughout history, particularly when couples have kids, but SoL seems squemish about mentioning it.

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

I would never stay with anyone based on financial issues. I value and respect myself and others too much to ruin a relationship based selfishness.

@LucasRodmo Год назад

18. Any show of violence is a no no, you should run like there's no tomorrow, never look back and preferably call the cops.

@WigglyTuffStuff Год назад

The fact that there are 17 things to check for make me feel a lot better for my failure rate with 5-10 item lists.

@alexandrawallner8814 2 месяца назад

Wonderful! I have been married for 53 years and I find this checklist to be excellent! Thank you!

@laalaa4947 Год назад

First video about relationships I already follow like 100%

@vebdaklu 6 месяцев назад

It seems somewhat odd that a philosophy channel would offer bullet-point guidelines for something as profound and individualistic as love between two people. Those types of lists don't work in business and management, where they were designed to work, so they shouldn't work in love. I followed each and every rule, not knowing this video exists, and we still broke up. You cannot put rules on love.

@superfisher4379 5 месяцев назад

I have to say that a lot of this stuff is complete nonsense. The idea of letting go of your own dignity is how people get into abusive relationships for decades.

@DrWest-dq2zf Год назад

Good lord I thought this was a joke video until I looked in the comments section. Guys this is horrible advice. First, very first, don’t go into a relationship viewing your partner as superior to you. Go into it as equals. You have mutual respect for one another. Nobody is one up in the relationship. I don’t even know what to say about the rest of the video. It’s just so much harmful advice.

@oliver7011 5 месяцев назад

We want equity, but we have the wrong idea what that means: there is an adorer and adored. Both have good and bad about those roles. Neither role is the best or superior position, that is equity both roles just are. The question is do you get to be the role you need when you need it in the relationship.

@cloe412 Год назад

I don't understand No. 10. Someone please explain?

@raynathiel8800 10 месяцев назад

I think it’s just saying that if you’re in a long term relationship, you’re bound to get very comfortable with your partner and naturally your mind will look for someone else to have a crush on, it’s inevitable in the end so you just have to know how to deal with it in a healthy way. Instead of hiding it and letting the obsession get too out of control, you should be comfortable enough to talk about it with your partner, separating that infatuation from your deeper connection with them. If that’s something that wouldn’t be detrimental in your relationship then it means you’re securely attached. Sorry that was so long, I tried my best haha 😅

@MadFretsy24 14 дней назад

Unfortunately, I tend to raise my voice and scream in the face of my boyfriend when I feel I'm not being heard or taken into consideration (emotional disregulation not addressed in childhood): sometimes I wonder how he chooses me everyday despite all my flaws... Then I remember he most certainly thinks the same. Or so I hope 😂

@schoolneverteach Месяц назад

6 & 8 r super-relevant reminders for the avoidant in me. Thank you for the sensible tips!

@L3N1NVEVO 10 месяцев назад

Well actually dont tell someone that he's "unfair" Tell that he's behaving unfair. In other words how would you feel being told that you are hurtful? For one- I am not a hurtful person!(defense) or well if I am hurtful that is just who I am. Instead what you should do is say " you are acting hurtful", "your actions hurt me" this doesn't feel like a personal attack so much now, does it? And if that's just a thing I am doing(my actions), I can always try and do things differently, better. This is taught in the book written by Daniel carriege How To Win Friends and Influence People.

@annab7723 Год назад

wow everyone on the planet needs to see this - xo, a therapist

@zosblockparty Год назад

Do NOT say "I feel you're..." You are still blaming and accusing them and it will generate defensiveness.

@MetalCooking666 11 месяцев назад

I agree. One of my exes would say that she "felt" I was doing X, and then, if I defended myself and expressed hurt that she would accuse me of X, she would claim that saying she "felt" I was doing X was somehow different to accusing me of doing X. It's an intellectually dishonest way of dodging accountability for unfair and hurtful criticisms and accusations known as the "weasel words" fallacy.

@zosblockparty 11 месяцев назад

@@MetalCooking666 And then it's "Why are you always so defensive?" Along with frustration that arguments spiral and we don't hear them. Yeah, I need to recognize when that happens and stop the conversation so I can regulate myself, but how about some accountability for setting the wrong tone to begin with?

@MetalCooking666 11 месяцев назад

@@zosblockparty yeah it seems the onus is always on us to “be the bigger person”. Why shouldn’t they?

@zosblockparty 11 месяцев назад

@@MetalCooking666 Why don't we both? It's supposed to be about the relationship and its success, not the individual only

@MetalCooking666 11 месяцев назад

@@zosblockparty well yeah, I guess this what I was driving at. It seems unfair that the onus is all on us etc

@SpamMouse Год назад

Thought about divorce, never. Murder, frequently. 🤨

@SteelHorse-gh5cd Год назад

Wahaha

@bycha87 10 месяцев назад

+ statistically around 40 requirements that you have to pass while being a male, love with right person from both sides and countless terms that both sides have to fulfil. The risk of gain is unproportionally high to risks with being comfortably and peacefully alone. Thanks, but no thanks.