In my relationship, we are in a perpetual cycle of me =needing reassurance, {for yes my own deep rooted, innate fear of abandonment and being unwanted, unlovable} (***now understanding my being adopted at birth and adopted to my parents a month later, was actually a valid imprinted trauma, even though I don’t remember it, and even though growing up I was told I should feel nothing but grateful that I was “chosen”….. but to repack and put THAT story away for a rainy day, I’ll be back 😂🙇🏼♀️💆🏼♀️🙅🏼♀️) *^^^backstory^^^* SO: my need for reassurance, innately and also due to some horrible things he has said and done, things he said he’s felt about me, that he doesn’t “want me”, that he “sees no value in me”, that I “offer nothing that he wants”, that I “should go find somebody else”, that “he’s been done with me for 6 years”, etc…….and subsequently: has never showed any emotions of empathy or remorse in any genuine way that shows me he’s really absorbed what he’s said and done to hurt me, infact=his immediate response to my need for reassurance when I ask does he really feel these things, is to say “So do I” (aka he has pain and insecurities I’ve caused by my words and/or actions that has caused for him to need reassurance=yet when I respond with I’m open to listening and understanding and really putting myself in your shoes to empathize with what I’ve done to hurt you in order to be thoughtful to not hurt you again=he says “no you wouldn’t”, to turn it around and, AGAIN, not only reject my need for reassurance and closure, he also rejects my attempts to provide him validation and understanding in order for him to heal……) So to summarize: I express need for reassurance and validation= Immediate response: “So do I, but I’m not selfish to bring mine up and start a fight= My response: “well I’m more than willing to listen and take in what pain Ive caused you, to feel remorse, try to understand and validate that even though how you perceived it may not have been my intention, I am truly sorry I hurt your feelings, made you feel rejected, etc……I didn’t see it that way before but now that I have I can understand through your eyes and shoes and do my very best to avoid ever making you feel not loved or respected or validated or understood, etc. etc. (Of course I wouldn’t SAY all of this out loud, but without words verbalized that’s what I’m trying to give, bc not only do I want to give back what I’ve taken by hurting you, it would be hypocritical to not be willing to give you what I myself am needing and asking for) =his respons: “no you wouldn’t”, “no you don’t” (denying that I have in the past, despite my recalling specific incidents in detail, flat out gaslighting me that the occurrence we both know occurred n never occurred 🙄💆🏼♀️😩😵🫥🫠🤯) =my further desperate attempt to get him to understand that if he would only be willing to take in what I’m saying, we wouldn’t have to INCESSANTLY revisit this hole I’m begging him to help me fill……that just like Tinkerbell sometimes my light goes dim and all I need to rekindle my flame is for him, ANYONE, to JUST FREAKING 👏 FOR ME FOR 2 seconds!!!!!) =his response to my attempt to connect: “why do you always do this?!” “I can’t take your bullshit anymore!!” “You’re so selfish, all you want to do is fight” =my feeling HELPLESS, MISUNDERSTOOD, INVALIDATED, DEVALUED……. How TF do I handle this?! Where do I go from here?? HELP!!! P.S.- I’ve been up all night, and feeling a crapton Im not sure how to process…..emotional and a little dramatic, 😆
Unconditional love sees into the soul, observes and empathizes the gaping hole enclosed by an unhealed, nasty scar; and responds with antibiotic ointment and compassion and REMORSE in the realization they caused that wound, that damage, that pain, that deficit…… To give back what was taken. To take in what they put out and to understand how their partner feels, how they wish they could take that pain they caused, and to be thoughtful and self aware to prevent ever causing anymore pain and damage their loved one endured by your hands.
I’m sure when my head is in a better place and reread the very long, rambling response I just sent you @ I’ll probably regret sounding as crazy and desperate as I feel right now…..so yall please don’t judge; I need advice. I NEED REASSURANCE DESPERATELY.
Hey, I feel you hahaha, but looking at that long rambling response as something crazy and just laugh about it… it’s just a good sign that we at least healed about that topic :)
