The most TOXIC RELATIONSHIP BELIEF: how you may be sabotaging your success 

​@Aligned I'd like to kindly point out, from a strangers perspective: You've just dismissed something men value as "superficial," because it's not a priority for YOU. While I agree that your ex should not have done that, I can imagine that this dismissiveness existed inside the relationship. That's neither helpful nor healthy. If you want a man to take your priorities seriously, you must reciprocate. So must he. Men WILL NOT share any of their feelings with you if you dismiss a request as simple and easy as wearing attractive clothing as "superficial," and therefore refuse to comply with the request. This doesn't mean heels and a dress or lingerie (necessarily, though it wouldn't scoffed at). Just dress like you were going to eat dinner at a Chilis. I hope you take this as it's intended: advice, not an attack.

Do you have a thought out list of commkn things that this might apply to, especially in terms of communication? I'm always reticent to share things with my wife, for fear they will be "a bridge too far," and violate the roles. I hope that's clear.

My wife has said negative things to me that she would NEVER say to anyone else on earth under similar circumstances. ... - In responding to an expensive necklace I gave her for Christmas she asked rhetorically, "I'm not wearing necklaces now, so why would you do that?" If anyone else has given her that, she would have shown appreciation. She not only didn't say a word of gratitude or acknowledgement, she didn't even look at me after opening it... And then proceeded to insult me over it! - When my son was misbehaving and she didn't like how I dealt with him, she said, "Any other man would have grabbed him by the scruff of his neck." Which is essentially saying to me, "You are the least of all men on Earth."

It is never an excuse for a woman to take her attitude out on someone, especially the person she loves the most, but I will tell you I have experienced this in my marriage and there is something deeply wrong inside the woman’s heart through prayer and study God finally gave me revelation to it Don’t ever give up you made a promise to her if anything you need to pursue her harder just as God pursues us in our sin somedays we loveHim other days, we are so focused on ourselves. We forget about everyone else. Life is pain and suffering and reward. Women Treat us men like we treat God one minute we are appreciating Him and the next we are blaming Him for why everything is messed up. We are our women’s life punching bag, but truly, it may not seem like it but We are also their greatest treasure even though theyseem to never. Hint to that we must outlast their negativity and pain to be the protector and provider we promised them we would be that does not mean continue to take abuse but if you do take abuse, take it and well and draw a boundary we are the leaders we can actually train maturity into our beautiful women. It is our job to be the mature leader that guides our family. Think about her even more than you already do and pray to God to guide you don’t give up we promised we wouldn’t remember that us men are built on our word even when other peoples promises fail ours must not it is who we are

That excuse is a females mantra & license to accept her habitual bad behavior and never accept responsibility for her actions doing the work on herself to improve since I’m perfect already!

Bad behavior is still bad behavior. Lol

If a woman is always at her worst who gives a shit about her best as you never see it.

Yep. Aka "I'm a brat, deal with it."

That does make sense in terms of compatibility, though. There are different tolerance levels in everyone.

Why are we conforming to and acting like this is okay? Absofuckinglutely not!

Deep. I agree.

Damn… at least you had the revelation. It takes so much maturity and self reflection to realize the mistakes you’ve made. I’m wowed at your response. What you said is amazing. It’s unfortunate that she completely gave up on the relationship without a full explanation of her needs while the both of you accompany a therapist.

This is the kind of self awareness, accountability and willingness to examine one’s own weaknesses that is very rare to see these days. Respect

I'm not even in a romantic relationship yet, and what you've shared is already very crucial to keep in mind. Much respect. I really hope you'll find a new love soon (that is, whenever you're open for it again).

Interestingly, there actually seems to be different consensus on who should change first. some people say the onus is on women to change first, and tune into her femininity and that attraction will cause the man to naturally awaken his masculinity (see Fascinating Womanhood the book for this frame of thinking). Others say like you that it is women who follow men, and but when men stop being masculine leaders, the women follows suit. To me, part of being in a relationship requires sacrifice. If this relationship falls off course, and both parties fall comfortable, no matter who started to slack off first, i believe it is the person who realizes first who has the obligation to re-ignite that effort in the other. As long as it isnt too late. That is part of forgiveness, and respecting the investment of time and effort you have in the other partner. Unfortunately it seems both of you realized this too late. I hope your next relationship is a truly successful one my friend. You deserve this happiness for your newly found self-accountability.

Agreed a day of relaxation, the time to enjoy each other's presence or be alone. Should be agreed upon

I concur. I have been with the same woman for decades. We have adult children. I am willing to forgive mistakes and the occasional bad day- it happens to all of us. But I have no patience for disrespect. And funny thing is, my familial relationships have improved.

Agreed. People get time off and holidays from their work role, too.

of course. Nobody works 24/7 and nobody should be on 100% in a relationship. However you must always be aware and ready to bring your A game at all times!

Political views are spiritual and not separate from how a person views and acts. Never, ever date a leftist. Read Ecc 10:2, Is 5:20, then when you understand how those two say the same thing, read Ro 1:22. Then when you understand how that plays into the previous 2 verses, read Romans 1:18-32. You'll see current society and where you find yourself in it.

I prefer the term “woke” more than “leftist.” I don’t disagree with everyone on the left, but the “woke” label works well for people whose beliefs are genuinely an exact parallel to a religious, proselytizing extremist zealotry. They do not live in reality nor seem to want to interact with reality on its terms.

@@hoobeydoobey1267 Damn. It's almost as if Jesus didn't ask us to treat others with humility, generosity and empathy. As if he wasn't criticizing the accumulation of wealth and egoism. Sounds pretty leftist to me.

@@DavZeugme That's because you make God into your image rather than die to self and transform into His. Read Ecc 10:2. God wrote that. Now you know. PS: Did your college prof tell you that belief? Atheist group where you sat stroke each other's ego?

@@hoobeydoobey1267 you should not judge your brothers, for that is God's prerogative. Remember James 4:11-12 or Romans 14:4? It includes your leftist brothers.

So are you actually going to do something about it?

@@jdee8407 I read his comment as a yes. He sees the problem and her being worth it. So i think he is gonna put in more effort.

@@ashmonkey2572 j dee putting the guys' feet to the fire immediately lol

@@GoodCharms Ah you read it as more like J Dee asking if he already put in some effort in the month after he posted the comment? Then I really like J Dee's question to be answered.

​@@ashmonkey2572 assuming J Dee is female, she's liking Redroad's epiphany and is wanting action taken immediately lol

💯

"Stay out of jail" is the hard part!

Annulment

God that's rotten. Dump her. Never trust marriage. They all flip a switch after the big day is over

How the fuck do people actually do this…

@@bradleyjackson7168 No not all women flip the switch after marriage. I feel for this guy though that it happened to him.

Femdroid

Seems like you are a weak man. Why not just break up rather letting others break up with u .

Soon? What are you waiting for

Do you think she got lazy completely on her own or could it have been your a fault as well?

@@realSpookexactly

Im just seeing this video now which made me go, "HOW TIMELY!" Had the same issue with my partner a few weeks ago which stacked over months. During a convo about looking good, I told her she doesnt put much work into looking good. Her flex rebuttal was, "Everyone complimented on the fact that I put in work into my make up and clothing choice." after coming back from meeting with her college buddies. I said, "Well, they dont see you on the day to day like I do so of course they would compliment you. They get to see your best while I see the opposite pretty much everyday." She put on make-up and wore something nice the next day without me asking lol. We both work at home so its easy to be lazy. Since then, she puts on make up 4-5 times during the week. The fact that I like being alone makes it easier for me to be cold. Though before, I would tell her, "men are extremely visual creatures" along with denying her sexual advances half the time hoping she would get the idea without hurting her ego. I should have been more straightforward from the get go. I feel I can read between the lines, ppl like attention from the opposite sex. Its just that women have it way easier than men. I say, dont match her energy. Do better for yourself, go out with your friends or whatever else. Or just straight split ASAP.

my man

Amen, I don't have the energy to play another role.

bump up this comment

Amen

the benefit is having kids and having them in an environment that is conducive for their growth. Being weak, ugly and unsure can be done on your own time and/or in front of a therapist.

​@@alexdavila1356 I don't think that's entirely true. Being willing to show weakness to your partner means being honest with your partner, and transparency is vital to a successful relationship. The key is to be making a genuine effort to address the problems together, as opposed to doing nothing and just forcing your partner to accept your flaws as-is. That's what's really a toxic behavior.

@@alexdavila1356 Not everyone wants kids…

@@Lifeishard237 irelevant

@@alexdavila1356 Wow so spot-on. And no, a partner cannot be a therapist. ;)

Excellent point and nicely stated.

Well said, summarizing many points I've learned over the years and good to put into practice. I especially like your first point about compatibility - often times its about what you do (can this person fit into my lifestyle) rather than what it really is, the level of effort that is expected (a completely different measure). Also, love languages, yes completely. Your interpretation of how you understand love is likely going to be different than your potential partners, important to understand that and address it early on. Congratulations on finding a compatible person!

@@meder07 thank you! It did take me going through a toxic, if not abusive, relationship to learn about compatibly and why it's so important. Life experience is valuable and worth paying attention to so we don't make the same mistakes.

I lost countless friends n gfs because I “didn’t sell them” nor use “customer service skills” due to shaming from a couple friends and my mother. They said I was really nice when I sold but they could never trust that person even though my customers profoundly loved me and trusted me while I guided and painstakingly served them in love n respect. I became a as*hole (in my personal life) while feeling I was ultra honest giving them zero tact and pure transparency (overall). I got a phobia and became kinda brutally honest no matter the bad feed back I got… because I was giving truth rather then being this toxic manipulator (which I never was). Your 1000% right. Keep the customer service skills going. They are tactful negotiating skills with delicately intelligent body languaging algorithms with problem solving and caring mixed into reasonable leadership demonstrations. Makes you a pleasure in a personal relationship. We need these skills more in personal relationships then anywhere else honestly. Amazing channel content and great comment 4CardsMan !

The analogy can be taken farther. A customer can choose to stop frequenting a business because, in spite of your attention to good service, a competitor with a perceived better product comes along or she might just become bored with what you have to offer.

Time to leave.

Wow, that's honest man. And tough.

Get out whilst you can

​@@rapamune maybe it's too late

Get out before she drags you down with her

Yes -- I made an episode on that a while back. If you haven't done so already, you can check out "The truth about unconditional love".

@@psychacks Great, thanks!

This sounds a little bit misogynistic imo. Why is that there is no place in your life that you can be yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin? That's what it seems like you are saying. When you are in a relationship, you will likely be together most of the time outside of work and kids if you have them so to say the only time you can be yourself is when you're alone, means that you will likely (never) have time to be yourself. If your partner has a problem with you getting into a comfy t shirt and sweatpants after a long day of work then you need to find a new partner. I would agree that breaking that relationship contract of sorts, the dynamic of a relationship and certain aspects would likely be a deal breaker for many and a deal breaker for me but I think as you said, it's determined by what you agree apon in the relationship to begin with. It is weird for you to specifically point out women for wearing sweatpants aka (something comfy) and saying that they are not participating in their "role" but I think it would have made more sense to point out that this specific relationship was formed to be that way, rather than just the example itself. In most relationships the example you gave is pretty normal, most people don't mind their spouse getting comfy after work, also most relationships that do work out are ones formed on the premise of both people being themselves so that they can be themselves around the person who already loves everything about them. This to me sounds more like the idea a lot of conservatives have, where they expect people to follow a list of unspoken guidelines. "Socially constructed" guidelines is a very broad thing to say and in that case you could create any rul that you feel is "socially constructed" it's better imo that be determined by the people in the relationship itself not by the world around them because that can lead to a lot of expectations you want but don't get met because not everyone will fit into those "socially constructed" roles.

@@w4rhhwsrje58 doesn't have to tho.

@@Human-Being-Human explain misogyny to me right fkn now you mindless bot

I put some blame on the weak men who don't fire their ass as soon as they talk back or stop doing their job.

Same can be said for some men. People are people jeez

​@@FriskyTendervittlesPeople aren't people. There are qualities, negative or positive, that are generally masculine and those that are feminine. We don't have to play that "it goes both ways" everytime something is said.

yep, confirming. tough on headphone listening.

I thought it was my cheapish*t earphones again

What you are calling "to practice being myself at ALL times" seems to embody a lot of wisdom or self-awareness, coupled with greater confidence. It sounds very healthy, but that formula won't work for everyone.

@Mark Patterson Practicing being myself included saying what was on my mind out loud, instead of holding it in as only a thought. Making a joke that came to mind even though there is a chance no one would laugh or care, voicing my disagreements, no matter how unpopular my opinion might be, and not being afraid to smile and wave at people when I want to, or compliment a stranger or anybody really, or being honest about embarrassing things about myself, or say "no" to people when appropriate for myself, or tell someone that I do not appreciate something said about me, and not just laugh it off if I didn't feel good about it. Even something like doing random stretches and exercises when I wanted to around groups of people, even if they made fun of me for it. Also, not laughing at jokes I didn't like, such as jokes at someone else's expense or jokes that I felt were shallow and gross just to make the one making the joke feel more comfortable. Or just not changing my demeanor when speaking to someone with lots of power or a woman I felt was extremely beautiful, or a man that looks like an extremely rough gang banger. Treat everyone the same and keep the same boundaries with everyone. I'm still working on this stuff to be honest, but I've gotten much better. The practice just consists of those little things that I think anyone can start practicing one at a time if they really wanted to, and if they were willing to honestly examine their own behavior.

Are you saying that that’s why it had to end?

Yeah, but unfortunately those ideas are seen through rose-colored glasses in the beginning stages of dating and relationships. The cold hard reality that comes with time seldom matches up to what you were discussing with her in the beginning.

@@kylefournier4254 I use the discussion about who does what to get a sense of how her values and mine might work together. In many cases nothing came later because I sensed the woman was just running her mouth rather than making a commitment to working as a partner. Things will change in any partnership. Having practiced 'finding what works for both' early in the relationship means she and I can far more easily 'work past' changes.

That's right. Even if you're mad at your boss, you don't fly off the handle. You exercise sufficient self-control to restrain yourself, because you understand it would be "inappropriate" to behave that way in the workplace. Those close to us deserve _better_ than the versions of ourselves we give at work. I made an episode on this a while back called, "The gift of your absence: The threshold of tolerance".

@@psychacks I will look for that. And thank you for your efforts and generosity to the community! They are appreciated, even if I might not always agree with your viewpoint.

_"Now why on God's green earth do we care more about what a woman looks like than her character?.. I suppose city folk just want the most attractive "arm peice"?"_ The looks were a specific example by Dr. Taraban, probably from his work I'm guessing. So, some specific man observed that his wife would dress up for work looking sexy but not for him and was displeased by that. It wasn't about _"I want my wife looking sexy all the time around the house"_ , it was about the wife caring more about the work than about him in this regard. So the thing to take from this video for women isn't _"Look pretty for your men, because they want this"_ . The thing to take for women is _"When in a relationship, be the appropriate for relationship best version of yourself, the same way you're the appropriate for work best version of yourself when you're at work"_ . And it's the same thing to take for men, of course.

@@KulaGGin Yes I understand. This was a bit of humor on my part. I suppose I have been talking with my British friends too much lately. 😗

You're the lucky one in a million!

Thank you thank you. I hear a lot of men refer to relationships as jobs and all I ever think is..”if you only knew how much I secretly hate my job you wouldn’t want that” 😂

Edit. It’s a thing 👌🏾

Cheers

Beautifully said!