As a transmasc guy, I remember that a lot of the girls would laugh at me and say I was secretly a boy for various reasons over my childhood. Because I didn't like make-up. Because I didn't listen to boy bands. Because I preferred action figures over dolls. Because I didn't wear dresses and avoided anything pink. Because I would dress up as a male character every year for Halloween (and at one point refused to take off my Indiana Jones costume for over a year because it gave me a weird sense of comfort I couldn't explain). I was teased for being "secretly a boy" most of my life up until I was not secretly a boy. I was openly a boy. Then all of a sudden "You're confused", "I refuse to call you a guy", "You're too feminine to be a man", "There were no hints so obviously you're faking it". There's really no winning when it comes to people like this.
@@gypsydanger1013 Tangential, but I'd still try to get her away from Roblox. They engage in all sorts of shitty business practices, like how they essentially pay child laborers in company scrip
I read of one trans woman describing just that experience. Back then I thought that was specific to how society forces masculinity on amab people by degrading femininity in them. So I was wrong.
@@gypsydanger1013 eh, not sure. Capitalism has a vested interest in having a gendering, so that they can sell obsolete products in a different tint and with a different print on it. So I would assume that they will keep pushing these things on parents, just to get more sales and thus money
A lot of transphobia revolves entirely around trans women, because it falls apart if you throw trans men into the mix. I'm also talking about stuff like bathroom bills (if trans women need to use the men's room, would a passing trans man with facial hair need to use the women's room?)
Trans guy here. And I use the word "guy" very purposefully. I started to realize I was trans at 40 and finally came out and began to transition at 45. Since I first started to crack my egg I've struggled with applying the label "man" to myself. And I think it's because there is so much built into that social construct. How many sayings... be a man, man up, real men... Not all of them are negative, many neutral and some positive even. But there is a *lot.* Although I imbibed many of those ideas I wasn't trained in them or targeted by them. I'm a pretty masculine person and in many ways I'd likely be considered "manly". But in my mind manly is just a group of traits I have, inherently neither positive or negative. Manliness isn't something I strive to. In some contexts I appear manly and in others I don't. Neither is desirable; they just are. I'm many things. As an example I'm an over thinker. That isn't good or bad. Sometimes overthinking things is good, sometimes it causes problems. But it's just a trait. Manliness or masculinity are traits that I exhibit in some contexts and I hope that most of the time those traits are expressing in positive ways. I don't describe myself as a man because in so many people's minds, including my own, there is a ton of baggage attached to that label. And a lot of that baggage to me is very negative having lived 45 years of life presenting as a cis, straight passing woman. I've experienced the misogyny, abuse, objectification, and disenfranchisement that is so sadly common to women in our society. Often at the hands of men. So no, at this stage of my life I don't call myself a man. Guy, trans masc, dude, bro or any number of synonyms for man but almost never "man" itself.
Im 20 and explicitly a trans Guy for the exact same reason, it means a lot seeing an older trans person with similar self perception. this was a beautiful read my guy rock on 🤘
I'm a younger trans guy, and I relate to this a ton. I do not Identify as a man, nor do I try to, I recognize that my experiences do not line up with those of a cis guy, and they never will, however I align and relate too even less to women. I suppose if you really want to think about it, I'm more so non-binairy, but the way I wish to present in society, is the way a man does, so that what I'm going with. I hope this made sense, but yeah, I strongly agree with this.
In my head, all of these words kinda bear this pressure of masculinity. So, while I recognise myself as a man, I also don't subscribe into playing the role, there's no benefit to it. I hold my masculinity as something of my own and pride myself in being able to be vulnerable and kind to other. I desire to be a kind of brother figure one can lean on. Personally, I find it easiest to think of myself as some kind of male creature. It's kinda, clean, clinical. Just a trait one can have that isn't inherently tied to anything, while gendered words are tied to too much
As a nonbinary trans masc dude, I resonate with this a LOT. The label of "man" has a lot of baggage that personally don't feel applies to me or that I want to carry.I don't mind others labeling me as such, but I'm not sure if I'd ever be able to call myself that. Even if a button were to exist where, if pressed, I'd become amab... Well, it would save me a TON of money, but I don't think I'd ever be entirely cis even if all my dysphoria was instantly cured.
to (roughly) quote Mia Violet: "being socialized as a boy and being socialized as a girl who is forced to pretend to be a boy are two different things". As a trans man I do feel like I internalized a lot of the feminine expectations that were placed upon me growing up, but I also identified with masculinity from a young age as well, and therefore internalized a lot of the expectations of masculinity too. Post transition, both of these sets of expectations have equal impact on me in different ways. What it's left me with is a lot of shared experiences and struggles with women, a lot of shared experiences and struggles with men, and a lot of experiences that only other trans people can relate to. I feel like my upbringing can only accurately be described as "being socialized as a trans man". I was not socialized as a girl, nor was I socialized as a boy, but as a boy pretending to be a girl.
As an adolescent, I also participated in Boy Scouts (and Cub Scouts before that). While a lot of it had a military-esque rigidity, boys-being-boys, and machismo to it, I did enjoy a lot of the activities, learning new skills, and experiences involved with Scouts. For me, those experiences feel very non-gendered, and I'm proud to have also earned my Eagle Scout rank. After coming out as trans, I was delighted to learn that I could have my name updated on my Eagle Scout registration. So, I did that, and now I've got a new Eagle card and certificate with my chosen name, "Ada", on them!
This was so touching and deeply, deeply sad. I really hope that there is positive change on the horizon. Looking forward to watching the second part. I know that I'm a minority in that I would totally be into a four hour video (although I would split it up throughout a day or two, watching/listening as I do other things), so I think it was a wise choice to split it up. Thank you so very much for making this
I'm sorry about the cat story. I came home once crying and my cat was in between me and the door. I kicked it on the way across the walkway to the door. I never forgot because my cat deserved better.
I had suspected I may be trans when I was 18y old. Back then, the laws, society and medical gatekeeping would have prevented me from transitioning, so I abandoned that hope, because it just seemed impossible to get there. For year I'd find trans timeline pictures, and thought "I wish I could be that woman. Unfortunately I'm not trans." It took 19 more years, and a ton of trauma, before I could overcome that assumption. But it really took the middle ground, a non-binary identity, that let me stop seeing myself as a man, before I could overcome the immense fear of femininity that society and decades of bullying had literally beaten into my core. It only took 6 weeks to fully embrace that I'm a woman. I back-paddled a little bit, because while I'm definitely much to the 'woman' part of the gender spectrum, I still realized that my studying gender as part of my transition, getting very practical examples and demonstrations from society of how it views gender, that neither do I share societies expectations, nor do I want to fulfill them. Turns out I am a non-binary trans woman. But if people don't put too many weird expectations on me, woman will do just fine.
An incredible video, Jesse. This video resonates with me a lot today as I am figuring out how to break the mold myself and understand myself better as both an Autistic person and as a non-binary, genderfluid person. It's difficult finding the way to escape this cycle some days, and I really appreciate it when you talk about this stuff (especially after you mentioned being on the Spectrum yourself). Thank you so much for making this essay.
Quick Amendment: This is why I am such a huge Spider-Man and Spider-Verse fan my whole life. Stan Lee and Steve Ditko played on the idea that anyone could wear the webbed mask. Once characters like Miles Morales, Gwen Stacy, Cindy Moon, and the expanded Spider-Verse came out, this initial concept became truly realized. It's why for a long time characters I played in RPGs or wrote in fanfics were often Spidersonas because this is the type of story that spoke to me. Plus, the fact that power comes with responsibility, particularly to be helpful to others speaks to me as a person as well. Just a ramble, but I figured it would be better to add the comment here instead of edit the old one.
This video hit different. Cannot even imagine the process of putting it together. Nice to see an exploration of masculinity from a left perspective and not some painfully tinted reactionary flavor that its position as hegemonic ideal makes so hard to avoid. So well done.
Ironically, my father in law, who used to be a bit transphobic, said when my spouse told him about my transition, "You know, I saw that coming. She never quite seemed comfortable being a man." 🤣 If even he can see it... And use my correct name and pronouns without missing a beat...
ND Stevenson, creator of the recently revamped She-Ra and webcomic artist- and someone who a couple years ago came out as transmasc bigender- has created some really interesting art talking about his gender. He talked about how since coming out as masc and even after top surgery, he could finally "be a girl" sometimes. On the surface, this seems confusing, but the way he puts it is essentially that it feels better to have the option to present female not because he HAS to... but because he WANTS to. WHEN he wants to. I thought that was a really powerful observation. My mom came out as a woman to me when I was about 7. She's stated repeatedly that she knew she was a woman since the day she was born. In terms of identity, pronouns, whatever, she's about as binary as they come. But she's a total gearhead. Ever since she was little, she was obsessed with cars; in the past decade or so, as she's dealt with more chronic pain, escaping into her nerdy car world has been very therapeutic. She has a small gun collection, not because she's drawn to destruction, but because they're mechanical, and were one of the few things that ever connected her to her dad. In fact, she's mechanically inclined in general, and occasionally gets a kick out of impressing men with similar (and often less impressive) skill sets. But she's also one of the most empathetic, and often sentimental people I know. She's low-key repulsed by horror and gore, much more likely to enjoy a breezy romcom than a psychological thriller. She loves to bake; she tells stories about being 14 and secretly staying up late to experiment in her parents' kitchen. She has a tiny pet Shiitzu who she treats like a baby. For years, I struggled somewhat reconciling what appeared to be disparate sides to her personality. But I feel like creators such as ND Stevenson, Jessie Gender, and Swolesome are slowly helping to normalize the idea of trans people being just like anybody else: complex human beings with likes and dislikes. Gender can be complicated, but nothing could be simpler than being passionate about the things you love.
No fr tho as a transfem myself I love like heavy metal and fishing and all kinds of things traditionally considered masculine and the more confident I become in myself as a girl the more I actually enjoy and understand those things, I felt bad when I did as a guy, but now they are even more fun!
Wow... That hit so hard. As a man who prefers to dress and present more feminine, but who is also a *blacksmith* I've had a really hard time seeing those two aspects of myself as anything but separate, it's strange to be in the smithing headspace feeling like an unstoppable God of creation, only to walk out of the shop and immediately want to feel small and cute. Sometimes it feels like I have to live two lives, or give up one...
Really weirds me out how people insist I’m forever marked my maleness given I was mercilessly bullied for failing to perform masculinity my entire life
The fact that Cis men don't make this connection because they haven't sat down and thought about it, or ignore it completely, baffles me. The stereotypical Patriarchy hurts everyone, including men, and I'll die on that hill of thought.
@@sopranophantomista most cis het men are insane not by their own accord but because we literally try to force them to be these extremely strong, productive creatures that only live to serve others like ..... no bro it's actually really healthy to wanna be pretty and coddled too. I'll die on the hill next to ya
I'm a trans woman and yeah what's funny is as a kid and growing up, I was called a GIRL all the time and SISSY, too feminine , etc But once I actually announce to the world ilm a trans woman , then I'm apparently the most MASCULINE malish MAN that's ever walked the face of the earth lol
I'm a trans man who was stealth trans in my college dorm when I was in school. I was living in constant anxiety of being discovered and found out, and had a million little ways to hide. I had a friend in the girls dorm who came to school with me from high school who was the only person on campus who knew I was trans, and whenever I had my period I would change my sanitary products in my room and keep them in a little baggie, and hand the whole bag over to her in secret after my period, so she could throw them away in her dorm because I was so afraid of being caught. However, I also had the most powerful experience with another man in that dorm. I was in a rough place, struggling with my mental and physical health, scared all the time and lonely since I didn't even have a roommate (by design, I'd petitioned for a single room so I didn't have to bind in my own dorm room at least) there was another boy on my dorm who was a bit of an outcast, a little dorky but sweet, and he saw me struggling in my room one day when my door was open. He came in and asked if I was okay and I said no, not really. He asked if there was anything he could do to help me, and I told him that I was just suffering from touch starvation, because it was my freshman year and it was the first time in my life that I'd ever gone months and months without being touched. I asked if he would hug me, and he stood right up and opened his arms without question. He was a lot taller than me, so I remember just face planting in his chest and breaking out into sobs instantly, and he held me for a solid two minutes before I calmed down and stopped crying. I don't remember his name, but I'll remember him for the rest of my life. I hope he's doing well.
I am a CIS male, who loves nerdy stuff, but also some very traditionally masculine stuff like team sports, and I have definitely experienced the pressure and the built in violence or threat of violence of male society. This is a very important topic. Thank you.
The absolute fact that the patriarchy is just a lie... it always was. It's just that there was always a war, a plague, a massacre, or revolution... we did not have time to assess these issues back then. Now we do.
I think this is why my Dad accepted my transition so easily. He was raised by an emotionally abusive man and worked with him on the farm before taking it on as his own. He's told me that he's spent time figuring out who he is as a man from the emotional abuse and how different he felt trying to make friends because he's not a 'strong, manly man'. He's gained mentors and brothers amongst local farmers and he has really strong friendships with those he served on the school board and volunteer fire department with. He knows and accepts how his masculinity is not the way society might have told him to be so my masculinity as a trans man hasn't broken his world view because he had done that himself.
My dad was similar! I learned tenderness, patience and strength through compassion from my father, and when I came out as Trans to him, I got what it means to be a man from him. Being masculine means being resistant to toxic aspects of Masculinity, and keeping a soft heart, for me. ❤
What TERFs don't seem to understand is, not every cis girl has the same girlhood. They say trans women aren't women because they don't have a typical girlhood but there's no such thing as one definitive girlhood experience. For example, I'm cis but I'm also intersex so I had to take GH shots and start HRT at 14. I felt isolated because I didn't know any other intersex kids I could share those experiences with.
I agree. I’m a cis woman born in the ‘70s in a subculture that viewed androgyny as fairly normal. In the ’80s, Boy George and Annie Lennox were among my icons. I was absolutely affected by gender norms, but my female socialization was different from women born in the fifties or the nineties-or born at the same time but in a different culture or subculture.
Not me personally but ive seen a lot women of colour express this same sentiment that their femininity and girlhood has been very different from the girlhood expressed by (mostly white, middle class, able bodied) turfs
@@maanvis81 I would give them this benefit of the doubt except that they partner with actual fascists, homophobes, and even people who are actively trying to take women's rights away. They aren't out for women, they're just out to harm trans people in specific because they're hatemongers. If they weren't, if their concerns were truly genuine and not so clearly born from only hate and the desire to have a face to grind a bootheel into so they can feel like they have power over someone else, then they would deserve understanding. But they're not. You mentioned Posie Parker. She likes herself some Nazis. When pressed, she throws other women out, she will loudly claim she is not really a feminist. Because she isn't, she's a transphobe and a hatemonger taking advantage of other people's hatred for her own personal gain. That's the TERF movement.
@@Jane-oz7pp but those are arbitrary. Every biological woman today has so much more in common with trans women than with biological women 100-200 years ago. An american afab woman has also way more in common with an american amab woman than a saudi-arabian afab women. womenhood doesn't define what a women is or who gets to be one, because womenhood itself can't be defined. It's entirely arbitrary.
In theory, women being masculine shouldn't be remarkable. In practice, women who express "masculine" personality traits or aesthetic preferences or appearances or whatever have those things weaponized against them, _especially_ if they're trans.
It's easy for people to question if I am actually trans because I am butch. Never mind the fact that I had bottom surgery 5 and a half years ago. Historically if an AMAB person wanted to transition they had to be femme and attracted to men. An AMAB person becoming a butch lesbian was unthinkable. They had to fit the mold of heterosexist society.
idk about the especially bit, all types of women face discrimination for being masculine, you could say that non white women probably face it on the same level as trans women at least
I'm a trans guy who was perfectly fine with being feminine as a child, right up until girls I was friends with started trying to tell me how to be feminine "the right way", and what boys found attractive, and that me being myself was undesirable. Which I'm not really sure if that was bullying, but it didn't feel like it was coming from a place of genuine concern for me. From that point it started to feel restrictive, and like there was a mold I had to fit inside of. Once my egg cracked and I started going about the world knowing I was a boy, the fact that others still perceived me as a girl felt like it physically hurt. So I tried to change everything about myself that I could in the hopes that complete strangers would see me the way I saw myself. But after a while, I couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't hypermasculine, I didn't like performing like I was. (I'm still not, and I'm okay with that.) I'm sensitive, and try to be compassionate, and I have long hair, all of which seem to mark me as someone I'm not. And that made me incredibly angry. I understand the feeling of not fitting with that idea of masculinity, and I really empathize with the men who still feel that way. I've kind of made my peace with the fact that I wasn't ever going to fit that, though, and I'm not "wrong" for not being big, or powerful, or intimidating and angry, and I'm not less of a guy for trying to be compassionate, and for taking other people's emotions and struggles seriously. I'm not less of a guy because I openly care about the people close to me. And the very funny thing (to me) is that I feel like this is not a unique experience to me. Like, I'm sure I'm not the only feminine gay guy to ever grapple with the idea of their own masculinity and how wider society perceives them, there's a whole load of characters that are one-note "Gay Best Friend" archetypes. Thank you for the video, it was wonderful to hear your perspective on masculinity.
I relate to this comment. I never had any thought to my gender or anyone else's until I was 22 in graduate school and suddenly I'm surrounded by people giving me unsolicited advice based entirely on the fact that I had a penis. I couldn't understand it at all. I didn't grow up with gender being a thing. Maybe largely because I was raised by my mom who is incredibly unemotional, and who doesn't fit any stereotypes for women (or men, really). She just likes what she likes and she pushed us kids to like what we like. And in high school, everybody had divorced/separated parents so school was the safe place where we all had a common sense of comraderie. There wasn't any effort toward enforcing gender roles by any of the students. Now I'm maybe nonbinary, or maybe I'm just a feminine man, idk. But regardless I've learned that the way to feel better is to just avoid those people who are so insecure with themselves that they try to "help" you with stupid advice
Me, a trans woman, listening to Jessie talk about how she loved stories of transformation in her childhood: “well that doesn’t seem relatable at all” The huge collection of Transformers figures I own: “you keep telling yourself that” 😂😅
For anyone afraid of "the big 30", I'm enjoying this decade better than my 20s. Society gives us enough grief about all the things (obviously, i know), so let's not let age be one of them. 💜
I crossed the big 30 during COVID lockdown, I have mixed feelings because it concerns lockdown but in general so far I agree that it’s better. I do say and get those moments of “Oh god I’m 30 I’m old” but thinking about it it’s closer to the sense of “Oh god so much has happened in my life and around me. Who knew I would be alive and still be me at this point reflecting on this?” And maybe that’s where the difference or disconnect comes from? It’s not really a straightforward ‘I’m old’. Maybe I need to read/hear the experiences of those who at younger to see If they have the same sense, but I have heard from those who are similar in age to me- other Gen Y’ers/Millennials that it’s related to the sense that time is Weird for us. And it’s Weird because so much social and/or technological change happened in a really short period when we were kids.
I had a wild moment when I turned 36, that I've been a child for half my life. Soon to be 37 now, and I'm realizing that my childish notions of "when I reach a certain age, I'll arrive, be complete, or have it all figured out" aren't correct. I'm seeing and excited by the idea that maybe, hopefully, I'll never "arrive". That we as people have potential growth and learning to do all through life. Personally, I've enjoyed my 30's and I hope you all can too. I will say that certain amounts of ageism are present in our society, and that likely has something to do with ideas about "oh no, a certain age". I think that's just one of those things that we need to dismantle and deinternalize. A beautiful person is how they act, not how they look.
I know every age group tends to say those things to "the younger", but... being 30 is awesome. Most people kinda figured out stuff while still have a lot of things (and time) to explore so many new aspects ... I turned 39 a week ago, and feel like Covid and the fallout of a big breakup 4 years ago ate up half of my best years ... I ask myself where time went.
Because reasons, my 22nd birthday was a hard one for me, and my life was in such chaos at the time that I barely noticed my 30th birthday. That said, my 30s were FAR better than my experiences as a teen (well, duh lol) & in my 20s. And my 40s have been even better than my 30s. My 30s kind of were about becoming more accustomed to who I am (as a woman, as a human, etc) & I'd say my 40s thusfar has been about learning how to really shut off my "GAF meter" & pursuing what makes me happy, regardless of what anyone else thinks. While I performed a lot of "Ima do me, dont GAF what you do or what you think" in my earlier years, I actually DID care. But now? Nope. Seen too many loved ones move on & things like that & have a firmer grasp on just how short life is. Aint got time to waste on caring if you like what I do, and it's SOOO freeing. 😀
As someone who briefly re-closeted himself to volunteer at the Christian summer camp I attended as a kid, the anecdote about Boy Scouts really resonated with me. Young boys (or those of us perceived and raised as boys) really struggle to find that kind of connection, even briefly, that I thought I could pretend to be straight for a whole summer just to get it. I got out safe, nobody worry about that, but to go on a partial tangent I did come to a realization that the forced connections of those Christian communities play a big part in “ex-gay” and closeted religious people. The feeling that if you just give this up, pretend to be like them, you can find community as long as you keep the lie up. ... I’ve literally just now while typing started considering finding a local queer-positive youth group or service to volunteer with now. Maybe that’s a small something I can do for the boys of today to make it easier for them.
The greatest joy I've had as a man is connecting with other men. Being vulnerable with one another, spending hours on the phone listening to one another. Being able to express my emotions and feelings with him. I don't understand why men think this is weak. This makes us so much healthier.
I don't think that's a uniquely masculine thing either. It just feels like the natural human nature that desires belonging and community. Though fear is what men feel because when you open yourself up and be honest, it is a risk that many don't take.
I love seeing men doing that, it is such a beautiful aspect of human existence. My dad was so miserable and took it out on those around him, then he made friends, he would spend hours on his radio talking to his buddies late into the night. He was happier and we all felt it. The idea that being vulnerable and experiencing true friendship is feminine and thus “bad” is such a toxic thing. Men deserve to bare their souls and feel without being shamed or belittled. Emotions and companionship is what makes us human.
i call it "compulsory masculinity" to point to the expectation coming at me from outside. i processed it differently than other ppl AMAB bc i saw the expectations as completely out of step with my personality, goals, viewpoints, etc
That people don’t view what crowder was doing to his wife as abuse is so sickening to me. The clip shared was harder to stomach than expected but good god I’m so disappointed in people who think that’s ok
The way she keeps reassuring him that she loves him and trying to coddle his feelings is so frustrating because he just meets it with petulence. Even if you don't want to define his behavior as abuse, he is still obviously not interested in working out the problems in their relationship, hearing his wife's needs and problems, or changing his perception/behavior in any way. THAT'S why he got dumped, because he is a bad partner REGARDLESS of whether you can define his attitude and behavior as abuse.
@@angelaa7388 you may already know this; the way she appeases & reassures him is what abused people do to turn down the abuse, especially when they fear an escalation into violence
I am a non-binary person and it feels like my whole identity is Alien to this planet. You are a gorgeous human and I adore you and your content. Fu█ anyone who dare say negative things to you ♥
I've been consistently called alien or different somehow my whole life. I'm not non-binary but only because I find it inconvenient to be. I had entire sections of my life where as a boy I only hung out female friends. I don't really buy into gender norms much it such annoys me. and felt like non-negative sexism
These transphobes are so close to the point. Of course I didn't have the same social and cultural experience from ages 0 to 14 as a cis woman prior to coming out at age 15, like duh. So why can't we change the social and cultural experience that is provided to kids? Maybe I wouldn't have been "male socialized" if nobody had socialized me with masculine stereotypes from birth, genius. So frustrating.
The damnedest thing about it is that they love to say they’re against that kind of stereotyping, but only when they deem it a useful criticism of transgenderism. They’re fine with gender stereotypes until trans women conform with them, or reject them.
Yep. Like take the example of the one trans woman who exposed herself in the locker room. There really is an interesting observation there, about how men are taught to let it all hang out in the locker room, while, as I understand it, women just don't. But instead of taking any sort of sympathetic angle about trans people having to learn new social norms, the TERFs took it as a chance to attack trans people
Also they are so quick to make fun of someone if they DON'T act that way, even if they are cis. Like when cis boys are bullied for "acting like girls". How do you expect them to have a different experience when you have already picked an experience for them?
This reminds me of when people on TikTok say "If trans women aren't taking over spaces due to male socialisation, then why do we never hear from trans men?" And it's hilarious because trans men do speak up, cis people just ignore us because we're not as "outrageous" (and therefore easy to pick on).
And also... At least from my experience even outside of cishet people, a lot of queer people seem to be ashamed of trans masculinity, and a lot of trans men are ashamed of their own voice as well So our voice ends up isolated from everyone.
They also think anyone saying they're trans is mtf .... Trans men speaking up about bills that would Firce them to into the women's restroom getting "confused" for trans women saying they'll be in women's restrooms and all the terrible messages
I've spoken as a "transperson" and it seems like almost everyone assumes you are MTF if you don't keep clarifying. A lot of super ignorant transphobes keep trying to anger "the trans" by calling transmen... men, it's pathetic and hilarious
@@corenisveryconfused Transandrophobia is the most “accepted” term for it (I prefer transmisandry but I understand why some dislike it so I’ve given in and started using transandrophobia) and it’s so insidious in the way its wormed its fingers into the queer community at large.
i remember being in high school and it enraged me when i heard amab people talk about wanting to be women. It took a couple years on my own to realize i felt this way because I didn’t want to be a woman. I saw the way i was treated differently and the way people underestimated me yet i was “emotionally unstable” when i reacted. There was a deep bitterness and the fact that anyone would want that for themselves was offensive and tone deaf. I can’t deny that 15 year old me felt a sense of superiority from struggling with something that no one else could understand, but i think sensationalizing my own suffering was what kept me spitefully trucking on. I was so mad at everything and realized it was because there was a role i felt reduced to when i was so much more than that. I was emotional but that did not make me incapable. I thought if men were treated the way i had been they’d be just as angry, it made me feel insane. Fast forward 6 years to realize i was trans myself and I got an assignment to interact with someone who disagreed with me on one of my fundamental beliefs. I went on tumblr and found a terf blog and messaged them to ask them about how they felt about gender and sexuality. They talked about being female like it was a prison and it just reminded me of the person i used to be. This is not to say every terf is a closeted trans person and to be fair that was only ONE person i talked to but this video also helped me put into perspective the flip side of what i’ve experienced being “socialized female”
I can associate a bit with that rage, sadly. I don't care physically with being f, (yay for me, that makes me cis) but growing up I had a lot of s* dumped on the f idea from religious leaders and 90s consumerism. I got so angry (about dating and all that) once, I was literally hearing the cognitive dissonance between my arguments and there was absolutely no way to reconcile. Nobody likes you if you're a f, (that's the basic out of the box idea) you get all the insults hurled at you. If you're just a tiny bit sexual it gets TOXIC, so how can you possibly shoulder all that and get married and have kids? The only logical way out of being 'wrong' as a f was to peace out of the entire space of heteronormativity. So I did. I'm much happier not giving a s* about stuff that as an asexual already made me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I tried. Aggressive gender indoctrination and social attitudes threw me out. I've since learned some people care beyond sense or personal comfort what other people think of them just as the way their brains work. They jump on the latest fashion because they don't want to stand out. I've also noticed people on the right really struggle to appreciate there are other brain types out there, so the sheep project how they would act on everyone else. Very unempathetic minds know nothing but themselves.
The more people talk about their experience of gender, the more it assures me that there is no actual objective experience of gender, and that the only thing we have is our biological sex, while everything else is socialisation. Yeah, that does mean that the trans identity doesn't exist, but that also mean that there is no cis identity either. *Just people.* And to be honest, I'd much prefer that than whatever we have now.
To be fair, even for those of us who are cis, growing being "socialized female" can be horrible and traumatising as a baseline, before you add being trans on top of that. Being 10 or 11 years old, and having grown men comment on your body, and learning that the world is full of threats that it's your job to avoid, or else you'll go through life-changing trauma, and finding out that you go through painful bleeding for a quarter of your adult life, and that as a child you can become pregnant, and that as your body is changing into an adult's there are natural parts of it that much of society finds disgusting.... That's a whole lot of sh*t to put on anyone, let alone a small child. Add being trans on top of that, and god, I'm proud of you for making it through!
I don't think any women likes all aspects of femininity (some of them are contradictory, so- obviously). I'm saying this not in a TERF way, but as in- misogyny is hurtful and a lot of femininity is actively harmful to women (there are times where you need to be assertive and stand up for yourself, which is not very feminine). That kind of thing feels like a prison to everyone except for tradwives.
Despite being a cis dude myself, I 100% relate to not fitting into this whole "male socialization" concept. I'm aroace, so that already goes against a large part of "being a man" in our society. My mom was the breadwinner in our family, my parents never dissuaded me from partaking in traditionally feminine interests like dancing, and I've always been very emotionally open with others. But none of that matters to people. If I accidentally start infodumping about something I'm passionate about and talk for a bit too long, then that's my "male socialization" making me take up too much space in the conversation. If I genuinely try to make friends with a woman, people burden me with the expectations of a romantic/sexual relationship, since that's what I'm "socialized" to do. If I ever dare show any anger or frustration, the people around me fear that my "male socialization" will automatically make me turn violent, despite the fact that I haven't thrown a punch since I was like 5. I feel like I'm not an individual to people, I'm just a "man." Sorry for ranting. This is a really great video, and I'm thankful that you're bringing attention to this widespread issue.
Fellow ace cis man this rings very true!!! I can’t ever express any anger without making the people around me afraid even though I have never turned violent on anyone!
I'm amab NB and I completely understand what you're saying. I've never personally found any value in masculinity as a label (or even the gender binary itself) and "male socialization" just makes it even worse. You'll never stop being seen as a "man" if you don't stop looking like a man, even though you feel comfortable with your body and presentation. Pick your poison, you're either uncomfortable because of the way people look at you or you're uncomfortable because this isn't how you wanna look.
I hear you man. Growing up as a guy in middle America, I wasn’t really drawn to traditionally masculine things that other boys got into. The most “manly” hobbies I had were comic books and working out. I felt more like an outsider with a group of men than I did with women, partly because I was raised by a single mom. But I feel like I absorbed some of the negative aspects of male socialization from school mates and some men in my family, so I sometimes feel like I have to keep that side of me in check, even though people close to me say that they’ve never noticed me exhibiting behavior like that.
@@TheAzul_Indigo And then if you don't express anger, people gossip behind your back that you bottle up too much because "we all know men are socialized to not show feelings. Wish he would get over his ego and speak up for himself!" Also, TERFs still treat sensitive/feminine men the way Republican women do, straight up they pretend the value system has changed for dating but sensitive emotionally expressive men are still seen as weak and unreliable by the kinds of women who think #MeToo is the most important event of the last 10,000 years.
Mad respect to you for having the courage and self-esteem to not only post this, but take the time to reflect and script it. As a trans man, I know (at this point in my life) I could never produce such a well thought-out video about femininity and it’s connection to trans masculinity; too much dysphoria. Thank you for always putting out thought provoking and insightful content! 🏳️⚧️
I'm ftm as well, and I have spent some time reclaiming my fem boy side. The day I got my first t shot, I started wearing make up again. You may become more 'femme' again, you may not. Just try not to limit or judge yourself. Stay safe brother
And bad at spelling clearly. I am in fact one man, singular, although I also use they pronounce which some people still struggle to comprahend. I am a nonbinary man. That is the second time I put that in writing. It feels really good 😊
I have a friend who shares my interest in nerdy things. This person was a she/them, but recently became a he/them. I know this because they wear an identifying button that says what they are. I rolled my eyes and said, "God, you're like Doctor Who! Every time I see you, you've regenerated!" They thought that was hilarious.
I loved this video, but as a Jewish person I felt the need to clarify something - Jews "anglicizing" their names is, like all things having to do with Judaism, a complicated subject with a complicated history. Some Jews, upon coming to America, simply chose to anglicize their name, assimilate, and usually stopped practicing Judaism altogether. Some Jews anglicized their names simply because they got tired of correcting people in the way immigrants have always done. And some Jews just didn't like how certain names read in English (like "Hymen" used to be a real popular Yiddish name that oddly enough kinda stopped being so popular). But there's a very longstanding practice that carries on even to this day of most American (and Canadian, and basically any non-Israeli Jews) having two names - their name they use, and their Hebrew name that's used in religious practice. Your normal name is the name you go by, and certain of these have been coded for one reason or another as "sounding Jewish", particularly to other Jewish people. Like you'll see non-Jewish Daniels, Benajmins, and Davids, but those are all names that would read to a Jewish person as a "Jewish name", same as with Sarah (almost always with an h if you're Jewish), or from my parent's generation, Judy/Judith and Joan. Jewish parents will usually want a name to sound at least vaguely Jewish - so nothing too saint-y, no Christians or Christinas, etc. This having two names thing is actually a pretty old practice that makes Jewish genealogy even more difficult, because Jewish people in Europe tended to have a name they used to interact with gentiles and would give to census takers or government officials (who they did not trust at all for very good reasons), and then the Yiddish names they actually used in their day-to-day lives that we as their descendants know them as. Immigrating and desegregating just flipped the practice - so rather than your Jewish name being your main name and your secular name being the one on paperwork, once we were allowed to integrate into non-Jewish society, our Hebrew names (or Yiddish names) became the ones Jewish people use for religious purposes like the naming ceremony or bris, the b'nai mitzvavh, on marriage certificates, and for funerals. It's not our name that we use at the DMV, but it is still very much our name. Jewish identity is complicated (holy shit it's so complicated), but a lot of it comes down to a constant negotiation on exactly these lines - having the public-facing side of you, the side of you that's a product of the culture you were raised in that most people are completely unaware you have going on, and then constantly trying to negotiate with yourself when you want to code switch from one to the other, deciding if the labor of doing things you were raised to do is actually meaningful enough to you to justify still doing it, and making peace with the fact there will always be situations where the decision isn't in your hands and that your Jewishness makes it impossible for you to ever really and truly assimilate.
Haven't finished the video yet, I'm referring to the section "masculinity." I was raised afab, (I'm Trans masc nb, just for clarification) but, when I was in sixth grade we read The Outsiders, I was obsessed. We read it again in eighth grade, and I started to realize that the strong emotional and physical relationships the characters had with each other were looked down upon by my male peers. I always found that to be strange. These adolescent characters have been through so much trauma, and are so bonded together. To me, this was a beautiful display of masculinity. The way the orphaned brothers are there for each other, the way Johnny and Pony physically touch and share their emotions. I didn't realize that the men and boys in my life thought that was "gay" and feminine until I was a little older. To me, it displays how much men yearn for that connection with other men, but they can never show it, lest they be "gay" or feminine. Obviously the story has problematic aspects, but I'll never forget how boys engaged with the story, as though it were a joke. To me, it demonstrates a relationship of vulnerability between men, that is largely untouched by toxic enforcement of masculinity. It's sad to me that young boys saw the character's bonds and gross, rather than emotional and relatable. It makes me sad.
to be fair, crowder didn't deny emotional abuse explicitly, he just omitted it altogether lol. when i heard him say there was "no infidelity or physical abuse" i knew it was only a matter of time until we were gonna find out about the emotional abuse before this divorce arc was over
I saw a video called "Jessie Gender is a horrible person," and braced myself for some horrible allegations I had never heard of. Instead I just saw someone ramble about how you're a terrible person for having a fit of blind anger as a child. I used to be incredibly problematic and the thought of me confessing to how awful I feel about something I did when I was still a child, and how I'm glad I've grown past that, only for people to clip it and tell me I'm still the same person because people don't change... It seems completely counter to what I think should be a pivotal leftist position: that people can grow and change and shouldn't be shunned for their improvement. I really enjoy your videos and I'm glad the slander against you was so contrived and baseless.
I was gonna make a joke like "showing vulnerability is bad optics" but the guy who made the video straight up replies to someone saying "Vaush has fantastic analytical skills and is great at combating fascists!", joke writes itself
Believing in self-improvement is good, but I think it needs to be tempered with caution. Don't go out of your way to be hostile to someone who's on the path to repentance, but don't wager your safety on their ability to stay on it either.
That’s kinda my experience with J K Rowling. I was prepared for horrific anti-trans remarks but then I did research and saw her mostly just refer to very specific things alongside expressing support for the trans community followed by backlash saying she was wrong and repeating statements that she never opposed in the first place. If there’s anything, I hate the most, it’s demonizing somebody and saying “you’re wrong and I am right “ and that’s that. No discussion or attempt to see where someone else is coming from. Immediate dismissal.
Okay the part where Jessie was talking about trying to connect to her heritage and her family said "oh thats what we used to do" is SO relatable. My family is scots irish. My great grandpa was named Solon (v irish) and my dad decided to name me an irish name... But ensured he americanized it (which Bellamy also talks about lmao). For the last few years i have put a concerted effort into trying to learn more Irish culture (chose that one bc it was the one we were still getting named after, we regularly went to celtic festivals growing up and we just had more Irish than Scottish names so it felt right) I have been learning to speak Irish. Going to any kind of irish art festival i can. Speaking to as many irish people as i can. I told my grandfather i was learning irish one day, and he scoffed and said "well we're not THAT irish"...... Irish enough for the names, for it to be in our genes, to enjoy cultural festivals growing up... But to speak the language? I was supposed to dismiss it outright and just speak English bc it was "stupid" to try to connect to something old and "useless". Americanization and the process of becoming white is both disgusting and haunting
I felt this point too. All my grandparents were first generation from a variety of backgrounds (Italian, Polish, Russian and German) and none of them spoke the language. None of them taught their children (my parents, aunts, uncles etc) anything about their history, culture etc. It can make you feel untethered, lost in a way. To think they purposefully *became* blank and empty and then passed that on to every generation after that is frustrating. I can look to those cultures I came from and see glimmers or shadows of something familiar, but nothing I can chase down or feel connected too.
There's also an added trauma in Ireland, Scotland, and Wales left from active attempts to eradicate their native language. Irish schoolchildren were having English beaten into them into the early 20th century. It's understandable a modern descendant of those kids might be hesitant to reclaim the language. They might not even totally realize why.
Is fearr Gaeilge briste ná Béarla cliste! Táim ag foghlaim Gaeilge mar bhí mo shinsear Éireannach ach níl suim ag mo theaghlach foghlaim an teanga. Ach is teanga álainn í agus táim sásta leis féin.
As a cis woman, I can say society imposes pretty formidable standards of femininity. I was a nerdy tomboy who didn’t really fit into society’s expectations of a woman. I liked playing with cars and Star Wars toys. I was too tall and towered over a lot the boys. I hated wearing dresses. I came to terms with my deviations from the norm as I got older, but that pressure is always there. I’ve come to the conclusion there is no “normal”, just varying spots on the spectrum between society’s definition of traditional male versus female traits. Another great video Jessie. Loved it.
Yeah, as a cis man it goes both ways. I grew up with feminine interests which always pissed off my dad. When you strip us all of those social pressures, we're really all a mix of interests and expressiveness of the feminine and masculine elements. It's never really the elements themselves which are bad, but rather the expectations imposed upon us.
Yep. Another cis woman here, nerdy before "nerd girl" stuff got to be a popular option. Didn't fit tomboy as I'm not interested in sports. The roles, the buckets, the stereotypes, need to be exploded. The masculine ideal sucks. So does the feminine ideal. I tried to raise kids who could look past it to live more authentic lives.
Agreed. What's needed is a human ideal. Tbh tho, humans have been playing politics with male/female for so very long that I honestly don't know if it'll ever be the way we see ourselves
I'm a cis man but I put on a satchel with me since I play red dead 2 because I like the idea not put stuff in my pockets in my pants and I found more convenient for me to put my wallet in my satchel and I decided to carry a changer, an art book, and a med kit too and I don't like sport much at all
I am 50 and a cis-het woman. I always seek to direct my friends to spaces where they can hear articulate and nuanced discussions from an own voices perspective as they move along their own journey of allyship. You content is so often my first go-to.
Beautiful video, Jessie. Trans people speaking about masculinity is so very valuable because it adds a lot of insight. And I think that this insight is what many of these people are ultimately afraid of. The "grooming" they always talk about is just because they don't want kids to find out that traditional gender roles are a scam to control us all.
My favorite stories are when some trans guys point out how jarring it is to be hit with the reduced platonic expectations and societally enforced isolation in male friendships.
It doesn’t matter what gender you are, if you’re misgendered it’s always insulting. It’s basically the go to schoolyard bullying from the earliest days of childhood.
As is often the case with statements that include the word "always," that's just not true. There can be an insult, but the same things happen every day with no insult attached.
What does misgendered mean & why should it be a problem? A simple mistake never bothered me, for example, when I was a child and people got confused before taking a good look at me. I even liked the mistakes, because I could strike up conversations by correcting such passerbys. XD
That 1980s boy-centered gamer culture also bled into hobbyist programmer culture, because home computers were sold as game machines and some of those boys learned to code on them. And from there on, you see software engineering, which had previously been much more gender-balanced or, very early on, even female-dominated, becoming a very male preserve.
It's shocking how fast "tech bros" can turn a game dev studio, or other programming focused workplace, into a frat house where the water coolers are lined with roofies and the employee of the month pictures are just framed portraits of Bill Cosby.
That conversation with Bellamy and Jessie about white people not being able to connect with any culture of your ancestors just hits me at home so hard. I definitely have had quite a few times in my life where I’ve wanted to like investigate any connections I might have to groups that had a really strong cultural identity but wasn’t able to. And like Jessie said, even though I can trace my ancestry back to being German or Norwegian or Slovak in my case all of those things feel so distant and foreign to me like if I visited any of those countries I wouldn’t be able to really connect with the culture that I share there through my ancestors, just because when they immigrated my ancestors kinda had to scrub that stuff away from themselves to conform to American identity and white identity.
I feel that, except I don’t have any roots outside of UK to speak of. My family is almost exclusively English. It feels like it would be a lie and stealing if I were to try and connect with the tiny bit of Welsh in there (my great grandmother was Welsh), particularly since England has been awful to Wales. I don’t have much connection to my local culture either.
@@AndersWatches The only culture I feel a genuine connection at this point is the Internet/meme culture. I can send a meme to someone in Moscow and they might get it and laugh. That's culture right there. The fact that my family fled to North Carolina from Ireland in the 1600s when Lord Cromwell invaded means pretty much jack shit to me other than I think it is kinda cool my ancestors are not primarily Anglo-Saxons, and came here over a century before the American Revolution. We have a pureblood Cherokee great great great great grandmother but why tf would we ever try to "claim" that when it's so far back? Internet is my people.
I have some German heritage, and my best friend has a German immigrant parent. We've commiserated about how hard it is to connect with that culture (at least in the US) without running into people who are Extremely Not Good about it. There's a German restaurant in her town that serves dishes she grew up eating, and the restaurant has a list of people to be denied entry because multiple groups of, shall we say, swastika aficionados have tried to make the restaurant their clubhouse. She goes there to introduce her daughter to their heritage, and the whole family has to have their head on a swivel because her husband has a visible disability and the jackasses in the parking lot think having German heritage means attacking a man who limps. And I've seen the same kind of nonsense around celebrations of other European heritages; there's a Scottish heritage festival in our area that also brings out the angry racists who think that being Scottish means being awful to everyone else. I personally don't like haggis OR schnitzel, but it infuriates me that the worst people in the world are trying to ruin them for everyone else.
@@DerHammerSpricht Yoooooo my netizen sibling! (am I dating myself using "netizen" still?) Crawled in the web at 12 (and lied to Neopets about being totally 13 uh huh) and I'm definitely in the english-speaking internet culture, even if I barely interact beyond screams into the various voids. So many people don't think that being a creative online IS also a culture-- fandoms as a whole are a culture of its own, with each fandom a subculture, just like metalheads and punks and lolita fashionistas are also cultures. (even if they're also counter-cultures). Meme and Share until it is lol'd.
@@AndersWatches yeah I feel the same not just because I’m American but also because a big part of my ancestry if not most of it is of English heritage. Like it feels like I’m being doubly colonial if I try to get in touch with the cultures of my non-western European/non-colonizing ancestors because of that
As a young girl I was called masculine a lot. From my voice to my height to my hobbies, I was seen as a masculine, solitary girl which caused more bullying. I think I was accused of essentially being a boy a handful of times which was always weird to me. The points about white people also struck a cord, I'm English and we defo embrace other cultures as much as we can (batting down the bigots as we do) and part of it is probably because we're very aware our history is one of theft. Ironically this has kind of robed us of an identity that's not one of shame. Today we pride ourselves on being multicultural and tolerance of people different to us which is hopefully changing our reputation and steering us into an identity we can take pride in
I don't know if that's something that you can find pride in, because it's pretty niche, but as English people you've made some stellar counter-culture materials in the Victorian era, from what I read. Specifically: The first time I read Victorian smut (I was looking for salacious slang for a JoJo fic set in Part 1 don't judge me) I ran into a casual FWB poly fic with the men and women all being unabashedly affectionate in the friendliest way while being the most horny lovey decadent thing I ever read. Like, A+ on your historical erotica and the "I love you as a friend, you deserve all the world but in lieu of the world here is some cake and wine and little canapes and cuddles" interludes between smut. Victorian fantasy aftercare definitely is something you need to bring back as a stereotype of your cultural identity. Spoil your partners like you're in victorian smut stories is now a life goal for me, even if I'm aromantic.
The point about white people struck me too. It got me thinking that we're alienated from the European cultures we originated from. eg, my dad discovered an old photo from a few generations back of a family member wearing a kilt, as we originated from Scottish people. But the descendants that exist today don't wear them. And it makes me wonder why that happened. As much as I love multiculturalism, Western culture also just feels like not a real culture, because nothing is ours anymore, it's like everything we have is someone else's. So our culture being one of theft, I suppose, does feel relevant to us, but also we're not even from our own culture anymore, so it's hard to know what we actually are.
@@neoqwerty thank you for reminding me of this! we for sure need to bring back spoiling our friends! We do have tea rooms and small get togethers but nothing like it used to be unless you're rich unfortunately. Hopefully it'll be back in the trend cycle and it'll stick
@@maanvis81 yeah those divides are really odd. We don't use those terms here in politics either because they're so divisive and it doesn't help the conversations we need to be having. I think it's more of an American thing, especially the left vs right, never heard that used here like it is in America
13:39 “trans men can’t perpetuate patriarchy and misogyny” **stares at all the cis women who are some of the worst offenders in doing this exact thing**
Yeah. One of the things that pulls at me is when all these right wing governors sign their various abortion bans, they make sure that they have a number of smiling women around them in the photo. And I don't know if these women were basically told, "Just stand there and smile," with no idea what was being signed, and how many of these women are a variation of Serena Joy from The Handmaid's Tale, who are brainwashed into believing that this is for the good of society and themselves.I know people like that.
Not to do the classic guy thing of "this deeply personal video of a woman talking about her relationship with masculinity is about me actually" but this video resonates on so many interesting levels as a transmasculine person who's always struggled to articulate why the idea gendered socialisation grates me so much. I didn't get socialised female, I got treated a certain way and told certain things because of how people perceived me, but the whole point about socialisation is it is social, in other words, it requires interpretation from both the perceiver *and* the perceived. Any time I got exposed to stuff TERFs like to say is exclusively a 'female' experience, it was and is in the context of being a non-binary person, whether or not I knew or had the language to articulate it at the time. Yes, trans people will always have an inherently different experience to cis people. Trans girls don't dodge misogyny growing up though, they just get fed it from a different angle. And cis girls get put through plenty of gender-specific horrors, but so do trans girls. I can only imagine how frightening and uncomfortable it is for transfems being the only girl or non-binary person in a boy's changing room, for example, even if they don't yet know *why* they feel so uncomfortable about it. Same for transmasc people. Maybe we're not 'male' socialised, or brought up gender neutral, but we don't have 'female' socialisation either, just a collection of experiences, some of which women can relate to, but we'll never know what it's like to be a woman, 'cause we've never been one (having periods etc. is very different as a non-binary person or as a guy).
The tropes about the masculinity of trans women are upcycled versions of the tropes about *tall* cis women. I am in the 1% club of cis women who are over 6'. The hate against trans women is used to reinforce the binary genders of cis women as well.
You should visit the Netherlands sometimes. Six foot and up is pretty nomal for Dutch women. I'm a 182 cm tall dude and I've dated women taller. When they wear high heels it gets even better LOL! Gendering height is really silly when you're the tallest people in the world.
Definitely the kids seem to be getting taller in general. (Now I know how my Ma felt when 5'6 was tall for a gal by her generation's standards. ) And personally, for whatever reason, I've generally found 'Taller than me' pretty darn attractive, though I don't think it's ever affected a dating decision. I don't really have a discernible 'type' when it comes right down to who I end up with. :)
@@awandererfromys1680 Nederlander hier! (Dutchie here ;) )✋ I'm a cis woman and I'm 1.74, which is just slightly above average. If I remember correctly that's about 5'8.5". The average is about 1.70, about 5'7" for women. You are precisely average for dudes :P My ex was 2.00 (precisely, actually XD), 6'7". He once went on a date with a woman who was easily at least 1.85, 6', and she was SO HAPPY that she could wear her high platform heels to a date for once without towering over the guy xD When my ex went to the US he was in a supermarket and another guy rounded a corner and stopped dead in his tracks in front of my ex, looked him up and down and said in pure astonishment "holy SHIT dude, you're TALL!" 🤣 I went on a blind date with a Spanish guy once and he came up to my chin :')
Ugh, it sucks that the term "masculine socialization" has been coopted by TERFs. >:-( Personally, as an explicitely trans-INclusive feminist, find this term rather helpful, because there is definitely a difference in how children are being raised based on which gender is being assigned to them. Of course this socialization does not entirely determine your personality later in life, but it does influence it. This is also a statistical effect that does not work for every single individual. For example, I, afab, have been expected to do a lot of things that might traditionally be associated more with masculinity, like chopping firewood. But in order to understand broader phenomena in gender relations I think it makes sense to look at the typical "masculine" or "feminine" socialization that people go through. Because I believe that most perceived differences between men and women are due to socialization and gender roles and only a small amount is due to biology.
It's so infuriating. I can think of lots of really useful examples of this. There are common childhood experiences that trend to be more common with afabs or with amabs regardless of their actual gender. But it's so hard to talk about that without either risking sounding terfy, or worse, the terfs turning up to co-opt the conversation.
It's also kind of interesting *regionally* what activities even *are* considered 'just men's work' speaking of like chopping wood and such. (Usually the more routine and practical the need, the more it's divided up.) (Also in some parts of the country, the only women that get dolled up are real estate agents, and everyone else dresses what'd be all flannel-dykey back in Boston etc. :) ) But as a car gal that's something of a mechanic and general handygal, it's funny down South how many girls and women are socialized to feel incapable, (And a lot of guys who *aren't* capable feel entitled to be treated like they are anyway, even if they seem to think being of certain classes or occupations means they shouldn't have to get their hands dirty or learn anything.) Anyway, there's still a lot of barriers and socialization stuff, especially where the Right's managed to polarize the gender boxes even more than they were when I was a kid. (Then they wonder why fewer people identify within those boundaries and say 'nonbinary.' Anyway, personally I was able to learn and *do* a lot of of 'tomboy' stuff, pulling a paycheck for it proved to be a different matter as things worked out over my times.) But, there's definitely still binary socialization out there, often in the form of marketing from young ages. (I mean, when there were a lot of kids of an age to buy toys for in my life, even when we thought the world was damn progressive, you'd walk into toy and bicycle and sports stuff departments and like *everything* was all pink and lavender and white for girls and like black and neon and often ridiculously testosteroney for boys. Material culture just didn't seem to match up with where society felt it was. (I think in one particular case I was looking for stuff in my nephew's favorite Tonka truck yellow or whatnot, ....it just wasn't there among the heavy-metal-album-looking stuff. I figure it was more marketing than malice, but it really seems what you get out there is a matter of 'Everyone gets some version of the biggest seller and that gets worse when there's no real variety.' Goes for cars, too, ...people can't get the car they want in the color they want so all they sell is what most people will settle among. But in the details, particularly about activities, .... some of the 'typical' seems to be harder to really define as much as the Right might want. But there's some ways in which they aren't even the *driver* of some of the narrowing boxes, at least in places that aren't deliberately-ignorant and regressive.
As a trans dude watching thr changes happening with T, I'm sorry to have to tell you that way more of it is biology than I think feminists tend to want to believe. But like...not in ways that align with patriarchal gender myths, either. And not in ways that are binary. It's far more weird and wonderful.
The discussion about men bonding in an isolated situation, like a summer camp, military training, etc. really spoke to me. When I've talked about that kind of stuff, I've joked about being in a group that's way too comfortable together, like I have to clarify "no homo" or something. It feels like the message is that, for men, intimacy is only for sex, guys spending time together or sharing space has to be justified, and if you have a female partner and she spends any time around another man, it's obviously because he wants to sleep with her.
For positive masculinity, there is actually a movement that does help men and boys to break out of the circle: The mankind project. I got to know about it thanks to Wentworth Miller. They help guys to express their feelings, finding a community. But channel everything in a healthy way, productive way. At one point in this video, I had to think about one of my friends from Japan. He stayed with me for a month for work reasons. In Japan he got prescribed meds to help with his mental health. Sadly meds is the number 1 solution in Japan in those situations. But when he stayed with me, we went out with friends and we're a very tactile bunch of people. Mixed gender group of friends. But we hug a lot. And we pulled him in. And we talked a lot about emotions and feelings. Then he told us, in Japan you only get hugged or get close physically to your partner. You don't talk about emotions. He didn't take his meds anymore, but felt better than ever (not the way to go for everyone, but the right way for him). He needed those hugs, he needed to talk to people. Nothing sexual, pure platonic, but just a closeness we as human beings crave and need. He's now happily married living in Europe, because here he gets what he needs to live a good life. Stereotypes don't just exist in the US. But there are ways to break out. And be happy.
Checking them out, thanks for sharing. I know for myself just trying to find any community that is accepting seems hard. I'm in a town of 500k and it feels like no one is really offering anything.
I find myself having to watch this in sections between tears. Having grown up in Appalachia on a farm with my parents thinking violence would make me a man I learned to fake being that man and through a few failed attempts on deleting myself and struggling with addiction I finally broke down and told a state appointed therapist what I was going through. It's been rough and haven't spoken to my family in 12 years but I'm me and have people who love me for me and with that I can weather any storm.
I really connect to that feeling of searching for culture, and feeling resentment towards others and our families. I’m half white, half Japanese, and I know well and truly that Japanese Americans have a culture and community here in America. But I have no access to it. And I am bitter about it, not at whichever ancestor brought us over here, but at my own dad. He ran from his own culture because he wants to be white so badly. And as I was growing up we would have culture days in elementary and as the only Asian in school (and bullied for it), everyone expected me to have something interesting to say about me and my family. Even my teachers encouraged me to say something, anything, and didn’t believe me when I had nothing. Our house is empty of any other culture, it’s just American media. And trying to connect to my cultural heritage is so upsetting. I’d have to move 6 hours away to be with my grandparents and great aunts, the only Japanese family I have left. And when I think about going further and exploring Japanese culture itself, I feel like another fetishistic weeb. And knowing there’s a dislike and a perception in Japan of Japanese Americans, let alone hafers, as not being Japanese discourages me even more. If I wanted to explore the white side of my family, it’s just a big mix with no clear answer other than German. My mom constantly claims we have native blood and is convinced it’s real and “oh we could use it to get you benefits :D” and that’s just so hollow and cruel to me. She doesn’t look for it to try and embrace our heritage (if it’s real), just to exploit it. We don’t even have any German foods in our family recipes, it’s a broad collection of things from random cookbooks and modified depression era recipes. When I’m on the internet reading discussions about racism, I don’t participate in it or even see myself as Japanese. Other than elementary, I’ve never experienced racism. And as far as I can tell, until they hear my deadname, I’m pretty sure people just think I’m a weird looking white guy. As far as I’m able to be concerned, I am just white, thing only thing I can think of being fundamentally different from other white people is my exposure to Japanese folktales. That’s all I’ve got. I didn’t even know the kanji for my deadname until recently. I feel so isolated from any connection to anything. I don’t know what to do about it. I try not to think about it all, and I probably won’t do anything all (other than visiting my grandparents when I can). But I could’ve had a culture maybe a community, so many of us could have, if America didn’t hate anything different so much.
half filipino half white here, i feel this so much! i look like a weird white person too, so i always feel like a white clown next to my family and filipinos despite the very present filipino american culture... most racism i faced in my life was a soft alienation from white peers or just because of a failure to live up to my filipino heritage! (and my tagalog is skeletal at best...) trying to interact with that culture makes me feel like a totally external tourist at best, appropriating at worst; it feels like for lots of biracial people who don't look like and live the perfect mix, we end up in a disconnected third cultural space that we struggle to connect with others through rather than the intermediate between our two all this is to say that i feel that struggle for any culture too, between my vague american cultural void half and my filipino half i cannot connect to beyond on the terms of my extended family; a lot of my bitterness towards others is that they simply are what they are, no questioning or ambiguity, but i can't have that! all from this endless questioning of what we are and what we are not based on what others find most evident from a look; it does honestly feel like my biraciality and transfemininity are connected in that way i hope you can find a position with your cultures you can make peace with ❤
I'm really looking forward to this video. My dad told me last week that he doesn't believe me that I'm trans because I grew up loving to hike and camp and build things. I can't get him to understand that I'm going to continue being outdoors and working with my hands, I just plan to do it as a woman. If I was cis, no one would even question it. Edit: Looking through the comments, there's apparently a Boy Scout part? I'm excited. I made Eagle, though I've been debating renouncing it for various reasons.
Not my business but, if you truly earned it, please keep it. Making Eagle says some things about you as a person of which anyone could be proud... Don't let them take your achievements away, you glorious human applejack!!!
As a man coming to this from FD Signifiers feature on Hasans stream, I never heard someone breakdown masculinity in such a way that doesn't use stereotypes and its helped me realise that being a man and trying to heal is impossible without addressing the ideas of control and dominance that you articulated so well. This was amazing, hope you make more content around social issues in this way
"My name is Neo..." I'll never forget how impactful that film was for my friends and I in high school. That next Halloween, without planning for it, I came as Agent Smith and my friend came as Neo. We did so many re-enactments of the film through that whole day (or as best we could, considering we were just teens with no budget and anxiety-ridden hall monitors).
As a Sumerian pagan I’m STUNNED anyone knows about this. Every time I hear people talking about queer rep in religion, culture, and throughout history it’s always Ancient Greece.
I had an aversion to masculinity du to gender dysphoria. After all my male birth sex was the source of my dysphoria. It wasn't until after my bottom surgery when my gender dysphoria was under control that I was able to embrace my butch side. The idea of a butch trans woman makes peoples heads implode. But people on some level accept the existence of butch ciswomen. People generally understand that a butch woman doesn't want to be a man. But they have trouble applying this to trans women. I have no desire to detransition and be a man. I like being a woman. I am just not super femme.
@@therat1117 Frankly, what even *is* butch has a bit of a history of being pigeonholed, ...in the general queer community it'd often be butches talking about motorcycles and buying the paraphernalia, and more-femme-acting gals actually fixing the things. Or having the driving skills. (Mind you, a number of the stone butches turned out to be transguys, so there'd be kind of that 'guy thing' about being-expected-to-already-know-but learning-is-vulnerable-admission-of ignorance.) Anyway, in some ways I think the lesbian community's gotten away from that strictness but it sometimes seems terfey lesbians really want to bring those stone butches that just started saying 'transmasc' or such back to 'still counting as women' in kind of a bad-nostalgia way. Kind of like a lot of party-gay-guys always seemed to want to diss transwomen back into exploitable novelty 'gay things to play with.'
That doesn't even seem weird to me. Innately if you stripped us of the societal pressures would express ourselves in interests and mannerisms which are a mix of perceptively masculine and perceptively feminine elements. So in many ways your dysphoria was pushing you to overcorrect on that, pushing against the masculine and thus causing you to reject elements of yourself which were part of you. What we ultimately need is to divorce specific traits and mannerism from being gendered expectations.... then it won't matter what those particular traits are. Getting soceity to agree with that is the hard part.
@@tekcomputers It does seem that for trans people, physical discomfort gives bad associations with that constant and ongoing discomfort. If they can get more comfortable with their *bodies*, then they're freer to choose what they actually liked from what they did to avoid pain.
@@namangoy I expect that would have a lot to do with your temperament and surroundings culturally. Also a lot of people these days say things or people are 'butch' when they really aren't inherently such. I've built *cars* and was never thought of as 'butch,' ..now they'll call it 'butch' if you can't do it with an Iphone or something. :)
The idea that transgender women experience male socialization implies that transgender women were always perceived as male as children. Very often, that's NOT the case. Many transgender women are identified early as not fitting the male stereotype and are very quickly excluded by that. In fact, many transgender women don't have the benefit of having one of the stereotypical approved gender socializations at all, instead being excluded from both.
It's funny, I'm a trans woman and have always been sorta emotional and temperamental and as a kid and growing up I was called "EMOTIONAL like a GIRL", but after coming out as trans I'm called a "testosterone RAGING MAN" lol. I could get mad and cry when I was living as a boy and ppl would call me sissy , GIRL, etc .. Now I'd I get mad and cry ppl are like, "You're angry male biology is showing" 🙄
it really shows that they just want to gatekeep emotions into something only OTHER people can feel, never YOU, huh? I hope seagulls shit in the cars of every person trying to gatekeep your anger from you and I hope that you find a lovely Cool Bug that you're not afraid of and it lets you watch it to your heart's content. (unless you're not a bug nerd kind of girl, then I hope a cat mrrps and goes :3 at you.)
Also when refering to cats, we should love the junk out of them but they are assholes and that's why they sleep in a seperate room and don't get to spill water on me all night, If you let cat behaviour sneak up on you eventually they will shit all over you, sometimes literally. I'm not going to let my cat screetch at me, or block the computer, or insist that I facilitate cat paranoia like letting them drink the dirty water over the clean water for no reason, I just take those options away from them because it's in the best of both our interests, habbits are hard to break and you don't want to let cat violence over take you because of how jerkish they can be, the will pretend to golfish memory you so violence doesn't work in the way most people think it does. My violence against the cats that live with me is instead of petting them I put them on the litter box each time I see them if they choose to shit on the floor because the one time last week we had to move the cat litter for half a day so now they think they can just shit in that new spot without the litter, uh no, you shit in the cat box.
@@WhiteThumbs Abusive cat owner detected. If you don't like cats, don't have cats as pets. And rehome the poor babies. They deserve better than an anxiety inducing environment where they have to defend their territory by shitting wherever.
We internalize all messages about gender before we have language to express our gender. I may have been raised as a girl, but I internalized messages about what masculinity is and how people responded to me in the context of being masculine. Trans feminine people do the same. They might be, in some ways, raised as men--but they still internalize cultural messages about women. And the world absolutely responds to their femininity (and often punishes them for it.)
As you explained the difference in socializing, I could feel that. As someone with a disability, I thought it was the reason I could just let others speak for me. I was looked down on when I had such an angry issue. It couldn't be that I could not understand that language. No, something must be wrong that I, a girl was not kind. It made sense that I had no interest in helping everyone in my family; I wanted to keep myself safe. Not that was the rule of a man. But learning Enby allowed me to see the great tool in both feminity and masculinity. I can have fun with both parts of me. I can have fun because I can stand for myself and make a safe zone. At the same time, I can be caring to other people.
As a Cis Gay dude, I felt a lot of this. The pressure is even greater to succeed, because you're already operating with a handicap, and if you're out, it's even harder to get people to acknowledge you, let alone respect you. Even from women. Especially if they're conservative women. It's like you have to be everything a cis-het guy is, and a gay clown, and have no ugly opinions about anything. And while clowning is fun for people who actually respect me, it gets...exhausting for people who think your purpose is to amuse them. And yeah, I got really, really angry sometimes in the stressful line of work I was in. Until...one day, I walked away from it. Not a two-week notice, just...If I didn't walk away, something worse would happen. I knew that. Today, I try to embrace that I'm not ever going to be what society expects of a man. Sure, I appreciate strength(a horrendous understatement), and seek to embody some of that, but I also really like jewelry, and wearing fun costumes to parties. I like using big(They're not that big...yet) strong arms for what they're really for, protecting and comforting my queer brothers and sisters, if that's something they want. I went to a "bear" party recently, and got kinda negged about my flower-crown. But...something has changed in me. Instead of spiraling about everyone hating me, I just stopped talking to the people who didn't appreciate it. Had a great party, all the same. I think cis-het guys would be happier if they let themselves be silly, and soft sometimes. Especially to their own children.
As a nonbinary person who is AFAB, I was a little surprised by how much I related to your description of your anger during adolescence. I had mostly ascribed this anger to being uncomfortable in wearing women's clothing, but I think there's more to it than that. I think even in childhood I already knew I was destined to fail at womanhood, which to me felt shameful, but I thought I could redeem myself and prove everyone wrong by becoming that male avatar, minus the being an actual man part. I was constantly desperate to prove my masculinity, but to be honest I wasn't very good at that role either, perhaps in part because it is designed to be unattainable. In this way I was failing at both roles constantly, and after learning that conveying this shame and sadness only lead to more shaming from the people around me, I buried it until it turned into anger and isolation. In coming to terms with being trans, I instantly vaporized a lot of this anger because I released this shame of not measuring up to that male avatar. I wasn't supposed to. No one, not even men, are really supposed to. I'm still working on learning how to trust people and how to live in community. It feels dangerous, but also worth it. Anyway, thank you for making this video, and I'll be sure to watch part 2!
I had never heard Tate's actual voice before and I was very surprised to realize he has the voice of someone who had a timeshare inside of their own high school locker
As a trans guy who discovered his identity at 12 but had to stay closeted, I really relate to the boys scout section. Growing up I was really involved in Navy League and Sea Cadets (basically scouts meets military but Canadian) and I really cherished the friendships I made at cadets because they were unlike friends I made in the real world. We weren't friends because of common interests, or chit-chat, we bonded over boot shining, and being out on the water trying not to capsize, and fooling around in the barracks and in the mess hall. I felt connected to theses people in ways that I never could outside of that camp, I had tried hanging out with these people in real life, and it just didn't work, we had nothing in common, and almost nothing to talk about but to laugh over stories from camp. I grew to accept this. However, the single thing that cause me the most pain, was when I tried to connect with the boys in these ways, and they would hold back these connections because they saw me as a girl. I understood this, as I too had difficulty having this kinship with the girls, though I couldn't say why, but if hurt so bad to know that I was one of them, but they held back the one thing I yearned for because of a warped perspective of me. Of course, I came out to some people, there was actually another trans guy in my corps, and eventually they got it through their skulls that I was one of them. But yeah, I thought it might be interesting to add this kind of perspective.
Wow, I relate a lot to that. I don't think I want to be a woman though? But like I just never had much stake or whatever in masculinity I didn't feel 100% part of that category so maybe I'm like nonbinary? PE was always so uncomfortable and confusing like I was curious about the other boys' bodies when I started going through puberty but I was also disgusted by them but because I guess I didn't feel like I belonged and I didn't want to be associated with all this stuff being imposed on me? I've even had weird transphobes go off on me about how they "can tell" that I am "actually a female" when they overheard a conversation between myself and some women, about men. Really my whole life my queerness was just like perceived before I was even aware of it. And people just getting stuff completely wrong of course.
@@drasco61084 That sounds similar to my experience being nonbinary, but it’s down to you to feel out what fits as a label or identity. I can’t say much from a couple examples, but I’ll give some more for you (who I’m replying to) and anyone else reading this far. My experience in PE was similar. I was kind of weirded out exposing myself and also perturbed by my own sexuality at the time. School in general sucked, not feeling like I was able to talk to people without something in the way of how I could in the past once middle school started. It was that gendered divide showing its ugly head. This is the first time I truly felt dysphoric in how people were coming onto me. I felt more attuned to femininity, I guess, but wasn’t sure what was up. It took ages to figure out what felt right. The biggest hurdle was I didn’t feel like a girl, and after much retrospection many educational years later I didn’t have the desire to be a woman at all. I also didn’t have the desire to be a “man” or just as some “masculine” cutout. While I had finally learned what being nonbinary was, I couldn’t put it into words how I felt and decipher if some of my experiences weren’t entirely because I’m also autistic. My autism has definitely affected everything, but it’s not the source of all this. It’s probably the reason I picked up on it the way I did, and maybe why I wanted to just not change myself for fear of rejection, of my slim social acceptance and functionality slipping away. I tried existing as a “feminine man,” whatever I tried to make that out to be, but ultimately that didn’t do it. It wasn’t just self expression; it was how people reacted to it, how I conveyed it back, and what I was allowed to do in the masculinity box. I wanted to be seen and felt as not only a more complex person, but something else entirely. So, I’ve come out. I’ve gender bent my wardrobe a bit. I finally got to wear heeled boots and puffy sleeves. I carry a hard vintage leather binocular bag as a purse. It might be related to my being an independent adult (free from the restrictive expression my mother allowed), but I’ve also got medium-long coloured hair now too and wear loads of hats. (Super under appreciated accessory, especially in any sort of multicolour patchwork or pattern, they go with a lot of things.) The thing is, all of this is about being what feels pleasing to me. I’ve taken years to explore how I feel comfortable with my body and clothes, but I’ve also had to take all that time and still have a ways to go trying to retrain how I interact with people. I’ve spent _so long_ trying to create my own definition of futch gay man that, now I that have a better outlook for myself, I just ditch the baggage and live where I’m comfortable. Not everything masculine was comfortable for me, but also a load of things that are feminine are comfortable for me. I’ve discovered I don’t like skirts much, but I do love a good pair of coulettes (spelling?) or, as I and many dress history fanatics like to call them, “secret pants”. I actually do enjoy having a bit of a beard; my biggest gripe is in how little hair I have to do fancy patterns. Speaking of, I’m more comfortable in loud colours and patterns now than when I was just trying to subtly blend in. I’ve been so much more willing to go places and feel so much more comfortable just walking around that I’ve noticed how uncomfortable a pair of my shoes are, despite buying them for their perceived comfort. It’s not even wear, they’re just _bad._ I’m better with the toe-squishing Club Kid boots I bought at Walmart than those heel-smacking tennis shoes that already squeak from Nike. Take it from me, don’t feel bad taking a label or not. Saying you’re in the process of figuring things out is not necessary if someone asks. It took me ages to figure out what felt right, hell I’m still going at it, but I think I’ve got the gist of it for now. I’ve come to realise just how much styling comes from how much you feel like hiding or repressing or even obliviating fear. (Still reeling about the shoes.) This is where I fall. Maybe this will help someone, maybe it won’t, but I wanted to say it anyway.
Holy fuck I went thru this exact same thing but in air cadets instead. I was in it from age 12-14 and in my last year met another trans guy in my squadron too! I was outed and he was stealth, and seeing the difference in how others interacted with us was so so hard and ended up making me quit. A big factor imo was his level of social pass-ability and my lack of. I felt less confident navigating social situations in our predominantly male setting compared to him, and that caused a lot of exclusion from the other boys. I’m 17 now, and me and him formed a close friendship that remains outside of cadets, but damn when we reminisce abt it, our experiences r like night and day.
@@GuiSmith I'm not formally diagnosed but I've long believed I might be autistic as well! My whole life I've preferred to hang out with autistic and other nd folks, struggled with certain things that made me feel even weirder than I already did... I think I do have various sensory sensitivities because I just cannot accessorize that much clothing and other stuff hanging off my body gets in my way. I live in a warm climate so thankfully I get to wear shorts and t shirts most of the year. Sometimes I really want to wear this cool thing then I try it on and am like NOPE
I'm nonbinary, afab, and yes...I wanted to be accepted by the boys more than the girls. But I just don't really fit in. Part of that's trauma, though. I just never feel at ease with people.
All the guys in the Lord of the Rings are highly supportive and affectionate to each other. Even though Gandalf and Saruman are enemies it's easy to see the ruminants of a long close affectionate friendship
Having white cis guys talking about non toxic masculinity is so important nowadays. I appreciate the Cinema Therapy team so very much for going out of their way, to share these in ways that might pull some of these young men AWAY from those beliefs and TOWARDS the existence of non toxic masculine expression and genuine kindness
I work as a social worker in Nebraska, a VERY Red state. Working with the older male population has demonstrated to me that they REALLY struggle breaking out of the, “Show no emotion, no crying, be a statue” type of mindset. The idea that they should even be open to expressing any of that, is such a foreign concept to so many of them. The second any younger millennial, Gen S or Alpha man expresses any kind of vulnerability or struggle or desire to be something other than the stereotype emotionless strong man archetype, many of these young men are told something extremely toxic or simply have their needs disregarded. For those living this life, it’s beyond unhealthy. I’m not shocked when these guys die at 47 due to a heart attack. To those on the receiving end of this, it seems to just force them to repeat the same negative feedback circle for eternity. Thank You for your video on this. I’m a massive fan of your work.
As a Indigenous tradesmen I have seen that look 1000 times over from White Blue Collar workers. Sad to think they were once ambitious boys with dreams. All you see is empty husks now.
As men we feel love for one another, we desire affection and connection with those we spend time with and are friends with so deeply, and because we are often segregated as kids that will usually be with men. And we are taught we can't have that with each other, and so we seek it in literally any woman, who is at that point a concept and not a person. That's such a great insight and I've never thought about it that way. I always think about sexism, transphobia and homophobia as interlinked, but I mostly just believed it was that they used the same structures to oppress along different axes. It's the same though, really. Gender essentialism is homophobia, sexism, is transphobia. They cannot exist apart.
What I often find noticeable is how much better trans people look after transition than they did before. I guess a lot of it is feeling better in their own skin? It is definitely true of you, and also Jammidodger, on youtube.
It was the same with my best friend (ftm) 30 years ago, and, a few years later, another dear friend (mtf) I have loved for 25. I knew both very well prior to, and post, their transitions and it was clear right away how much healthier and happier they grew. Actually, it was more like a bloom - WHO they are didn’t disappear one bit, they just became more THEM. And the people they are, are wonderful. I love them both so much and can’t imagine where they each might be today had they been forced to remain existing in bodies they each knew from childhood were not compatible. Transition is a transition, but in my heart “transition” = “to bloom”.
It’s because of confidence. People often look far more stunning when they are happy and proud of who they are and what they look like. It’s similar to the difference when a creator enjoys the project they’re working on versus doing it out of obligation. Even if the former has a smaller budget or lower-quality equipment involved, it will shine brighter because the creator feels more confident and satisfied.
My wife has told me, "it used to seem like even when you were happy, you were unfulfilled, like there was something you needed that I couldn't help you find. Discovering who you really are changed that."
It's definitely a combination of confidence and happiness letting you "glow" but also when you're finally free to be who you actually are, you take a lot better care of yourself and often your appearance
I’ve seen the same thing. There was a scary time where we were scared we were going to lose him because he was just so miserable trying to force himself into this box of femininity that was just never going to fit. 10 years later and he’s living fully as a man with a lovely girlfriend and two rescue puppies and I tear up seeing him smile sometimes because it just didn’t happen when we were kids
Before I realised my own trangender identity, I was relentlessly bullied for being too feminine/acting too much like a girl. As much as my younger self tried to fit into stereotypical masculinity, I was never able to convince anyone that I was a "real boy". 😂 I remember my classmates and cousins would tease me by calling me by female names, but now that I've transitioned some people see me as "too masculine"/"inherently masculine" to be a "real woman". Because of my queerness I'm too feminine to be a man and too masculine to be a woman. It's almost like ignorant cis-het people just don't want us to exist. 👀🙄
These videos, yours and all the other creators talking about masculinity from a left wing direction are amazingly helpful. I'm the same age as you, I'm a cis dude whose always been the pinnacle of masculinity, I've trained in fight sports for a decade and a half, I've always been the one whose taken care of other physically, I step in to defend people with my "I'm going to beat you up" attitude that's normalised in society. But I've come to realise I'm completely emotionally stunted from the toxicity of "men don't show emotion, or weakness or femininity" which is absolutely not healthy. After my last relationship, were my inability to open up properly without outbursts or breakdowns, and the fact it was a toxic relationship in general has made me try to be better, be more open, be more okay with being sad, or scared or hurt and sharing this with others. These videos help me understand why I'm the way I am, and how it's not healthy. Thank you.
It’s great that you’re becoming more thoughtful about how your socialization affected you. It’s interesting that male socialization includes the idea that “talking care” of people includes a willingness to get violent on their behalf. It’s depends on the situation, but that behavior can actually feel scary to the person supposedly being protected. Victims of violence don’t necessarily want *more* violence in their lives.
@@catsmom129 absolutely. The idea that you need to physically engage with anyone who you feel is threatening others in your "protection" is kinda an extreme example of toxic masculinity that may not apply to everyone. But for me, my dad (who I love and is one of the most amazing human beings I know) has always approached the idea of being there for our mam and his siblings (not necessarily by his design) as fighting for them. Which for me, being the one among my siblings and cousins who can fight and defend himself, has become basically the same as my dad. It's rewarding being able to physically engage others, but it's not healthy outside of a sporting context.
I’m trans masc, but even so, growing up, I absorbed some of those toxic ideas of masculinity and applied them to myself, knowing full well that I was “supposed to be a good catholic girl” (and it didn’t help that I went to a catholic school from grades 1-8). It’s difficult trying to get rid of this perception of masculinity that I kind of ingrained into myself, but I know I have to because it’s not a healthy way to see the world and it effects how I see other trans people, specifically non binary and gender non-conforming people and I don’t like that. It causes me to have this subconscious toxic standard of what trans “should” look like, when there shouldn’t even be a standard bc gender binary is bs anyway. I didn’t even realize how big of a problem it was until I came to terms that I was trans. Funny how introspection can help you see these issues within yourself and society as a whole (seems like something the conservatives need to work on, too) Edit: Not to mention, toxic femininity and how I felt pressure from society to pluck my eyebrows to thin lines and remove all hair aside from what was on my head to fit into this mold of what people wanted a woman to look like. I never understood why, still don’t. Women have a bit of body hair, too and it’s not gross. It’s natural, and to all women and gender non-conforming people out there, if you want to remove body hair, that’s fine. Just don’t feel like you have to do it.
As a cisman, I've never saw myself in most of the heroes of the different movies/series I watched when I was a little boy. It's perhaps the reason I watched cartoons without caring if it was for boys or for girls. "Girls cartoons" allowed me to see a more soft masculinity (the prince in "the legend of Snow White" for example). Later my favorite character in Disney became Tarzan because eventhough he was strong, he's very expressive throughout the movie and he shows vulnerability many times. Now I'm an adult, I'm glad there is more diversity in the way masculinity is portrayed with characters like Steven Universe, Newt Scamander or Harold (from "How to train your dragon").
Jessie, you have a true power with words and storytelling. Your story about the Boy Scouts was truly moving and made me think back to happy times at Girl Scout Camp where we bonded over camp fires and hiking in the woods; it was a special time where we could all just be ourselves. I know that this may sound silly, but your work as always resonated with me as an asexual woman. I have been told for years that my asexuality is a mental illness, have been offered conversion therapy, and was even told it was my fault when I did not want to engage in sexual relationships. It broke me as person and still breaks me and I feel like I am less of a woman because if it. I feel like I have to achieve and win awards to prove myself as I'm not enough as a women if I'm not married and have children. Your vulnerability and quiet strength in this video really resonated with me. I truly hope that we as a society can move past these stereotypical gender roles. It breaks my heart when I see young men being told that they are not masculine enough when they express a dislike for sports or cry. Thank you for all of your work and what you do! You are an amazing and beautiful woman!
Hey it’s Simon, I don’t know if you remember me but I was the one working at the ice cream shop(hope I wasn’t creep, just kinda star struck). I’m non-binary and a huge geek, I’ve been watching your channel for like two years and I really admire you and your work! Can’t wait to see what you do in the future!!!❤
Non-binary is a spectrum. If it wasn’t I wouldn’t be a grey area. I don’t feel gender fluid, I don’t fully feel agender. I also don’t feel a pull to be masculine or feminine. We also see expression is a spectrum regardless of your gender identity. I would say that anatomy can inform our choices but it does not define who are.
This is how I feel too. Being defined by my physical body seems to be absolutely missing the point. I don't know, I consider myself to be cis (after years of consideration, where I started just feels right), but there's really only one context where I think that is in any way relevant, and even then it's in a strictly IKEA sense. (I think that makes sense, if it doesn't, I apologize, I'm pretty sleep deprived right now.)
I found out something called Grey Gender that fits under the enby umbrella and have been identifying as Enby for a long time but finally found what i've been looking for. I mean i'll still say i'm enby but after years of applying terms to myself for a lil while and them just not working.. finally. And it's on the enby spectrum. I just feel like a grey area.. what's funny though is that i went by "Grey" for around a year before realizing Grey Gender existed... so if that isnt just a coincidence 🤔
AMAB gender questioning person here, and I'm still not sure where I might fit. One thing that has stuck with me iny questioning is that humans can have a lot of traits in a variety of way. "All the toys for everyone " I call it. I think if a label is helpful then go for it. Though I don't think a label is absolutely necessary. At least that's some of the advice my therapist offered me. At the end of the day, we're human, which should be more important. Though I understand that we live with patriarchy where labels have meaning that create inequitable hierarchy. I think a lot of us are yearning to get past that system, but we aren't there yet. For myself, I don't identify with men I see around me, and I don't really know what "being a man or a woman" even feels like.
I can totally relate as a gay man myself. I think there’s so much pressure to be a certain way just because you’re a boy it’s unhealthy. Instead of instilling values like being kind, confident, generous, passionate etc. Things that are not gender specific but we can still express ourselves through our values and genders.
I'm about a decade older than you Jessie - and socialized as a woman. I am still bitter about how Star Trek was even gatekept from me until I became an adult. My mother would disapprove of me watching it because it was "for boys," at least that's what she said to me. I overheard her talking to another adult once about how she feared The Next Generation would make me want to join the navy (some female navy recruiters had been to my school).
Your mother disappoving of you watching Star Trek makes me so sad! I'm your age and I always say that my mom was "The Original Fangirl", she watched TOS on a tiny black and white television in the 60s.
I don't know if this is a common experience for other trans people as well, but in my case at least, sure maybe I was 'raised female" but growing up, hearing people say these things, it never actually felt like it applied to me, so I didn't internalize it. I have always been a guy, and as a kid, I did not care for the voices that tried to put me in a box, and nor do I do that now.
"it never actually felt like it applied to me" I had the exact same, although I sort of _half-_internalized the standards (mostly in the sense of, "well people SAY I'm supposed to be performing this but I disagree + I'd fail at it anyway")
I think this is a great video and I really enjoyed it. However I think you misunderstand what 'socialisation' is, and no it is absolutely not a myth. The entire section about Masculinity in this video describes exactly what male socialisation is and how it affects individuals. 'Socialisation' is a term coined and used in psychology and sociology to refer to how society teaches us lessons to fulfill the roles that are expected of us. Whether we internalise those messages or reject those messages depends on an individual but we are still socialised to behave a certain way. I would just implore you to do more research on this topic because there's a lot of material written on this by people in the field of sociology and psychology and you didn't really provide evidence contradicting it in this video to justify calling it bullshit, in my opinion. Also gender-based socialisation in no shape or form disproves the existence of trans people as many transphobes try to do by misusing the term, it does the exact opposite as it proves that gender is socially constructed and one's internal sense of gender identity helps shape how an individual interprets and internalises the gendered messages they learn from society.
I was tearing up listening to your experience as a child, and a lot of the other girls. I had a similar experience as I was told a lot to ‘man up’ and to stop being a girl. I played with my soft toys to a much older age than my classmates and I loved nerdy things and escapist tv and movies so I could experience a better world or laugh at the absurdities of modern life (I was a 90’s kid so I did watch rocko 😊). I was lucky enough to enjoy sport and wasn’t great as a kid but I was good enough. As an adult I found my passion with netball (I wanted to play as a kid but wasn’t able to as I was a boy). I met such a verity of different men that I got to see that what I was taught as a kid wasn’t what being a man was. I finally stopped hiding myself at 39 and am enjoying finally being myself but there are times I struggle with different social situations as I wasn’t taught how to interact as a girl as a kid. I am learning but I still struggle with it at times.
The fact Jessie can put out a feature length documentary once a month as well as weekly update videos is nothing short of amazing. Also even though those aren't Displates I swear those exact designs are on their website lol...
It is tragic to me that the people who most need to see this video will never allow themselves to watch. Thank you for this video. What you do is important.
The statement of the Mexican friend is interesting. As a Mexican, I could see two girls do the same thing you said about Jose, but they shared me. I was a baby doll. They got to be parents, and their jobs were down once school ended. But still, I am glad you apologized. It would be nice to know that if I ever got that apology that someone thought back and saw the human and just how scared human I was at that time.
I’m around 40 minutes in, and she just started talking about how being a man is, supposedly, all about control. That got me thinking. As a black man, living in the Deep South in America, my experience is something of a contradiction in that sense. As a man, to a certain extent, I’m expected to take control of my life and the lives of those I’m in charge of. But as a black person, I’m often told that I can’t be in control, and that trying to take control is not only exceptionally difficult, but seriously dangerous. If a police officer ever decides to mess with me, for example, trying to take control is the last thing I should do, and could be the last thing I ever do if I’m not careful. So even when trying to mold myself into a better person, I’ve always sort of been stuck between wanting to become a black person who has control over his life and wanting to become a man who isn’t always trying to control everything. I think there’s a healthy balance, but it’s definitely pretty confusing when society is pushing you in two different directions at once, especially when hardly any of your friends could possibly understand what you’re going through.
I am a cis dude and watching this made me unreasonably sad. Now it's 2am and I'm combing through my memories reflecting on all the little influences that funnelled me towards becoming the default character. I feel resentful that all those possibilities have been taken from me.
Heh, it's the irony of the default character because it may be the first you see on the character creator, but it's also the most soulless because you have put nothing into it as who you want be. I'm going on 33, and it still feels like I'm still honing that character I want to be. That identity.
Just gonna point this out before I watch the video: The implication that "male socialization" exists is an admission that gender is a psychological/social phenomenon, and therefore not based in biology. These people couldn't be consistent if their life depended on it.
Had to take my time with this one, so I'm actually quite happy you split it in half. As a woman in my 50s who never really fit the feminine mould, it's both cathartic and tragic to see society both come to terms with the fluidity of gender and the inevitable backlash. I always appreciate how honest and open you get with these subjects, allowing your audience as well as yourself an opportunity to grow and learn. Thank you, Jessie 💜
Male socialization is a real thing and it is described by you at length in this video. As a transgender man, I did not experience any of these male-targeted messages growing up. Our experiences were different and distinctly gendered. HOWEVER that is exactly why this video is so important and why I am so happy to see it. I'm going to be honest, I have had trans friends and girlfriends who clearly never wrestled with their "male socialization" like you do here, and it showed. I am a fairly feminine man, and I had girlfriends who expected me to do the housework, who talked down to me, who struggled to be emotionally vulnerable, and so on. This stuff did NOT make them less female but it did show how this toxic male-targeted socialization impacts a person. It needs to be looked at, addressed, and healed from. I have my own fear of men, passivity, and so on to address from growing up female. It doesn't magically go away when we transition, but it also doesn't invalidate our transition either. Trans and cis, we can all stand to heal from the toxic gender expectations foisted upon us in our youth.
I think she's using "myth" more in its more literal sense, as a story we tell ourselves, rather than necessarily completely false. The false part is just the idea that TERFs have that is somehow means a trans woman cannot be a woman, or that said socialization can't be overcome. I don't know how many loud and brash cishet women I know. Sure, they may have had some level of socialization where they were told to be smaller, but they rejected it, becasue that's something you can do. Hell, these TERFs should know that, as it's what outspoken feminists generally have to do.
I found the title a bit contradictory as well. I think Jessie is validly challenging a *specific* myth *about* male socialization more than actually arguing that males don’t receive certain patterns of socialization in American culture. As you pointed out, the video describes how white males specifically are socialized at length.
Yeah it’s just… not true to argue that “male” and “female” socialization don’t exist. They absolutely do. Any trans guy can tell you they were socialized to take up as little space as possible, and any trans girl can tell you they were urged to take up as much space as possible (for example, although it varies depending on other factors like race). Afab socialization is one of the reasons why trans guys get erased and talked over so much in trans spaces, and to ignore that is dangerous. But while socialization does play a role, it should not be used to invalidate people’s identities the way it so often is by transphobes.
Could not have put it better myself. I feel like people who *do* still believe that gender-socialization doesnt happen/is *truly* a myth and that it *doesnt* leave an impression on people, have yet to fully recognize the effects of how they themselves were socialized. Which, i don't think describes jessie. Just agree the title could use a little revision.
Wow. As a woman, I always felt "man" was a shorthand for "person" or "human". I was told I could never be that, i must fullfill a role and forget about my needs and desires. I'm a tool, an object to be returned if my husband didn't like me. I tought about boys "lucky you, being given personhood by default". Now I realized that you guys are told you must *earn* personhood.
