I invested 15 years into a woman I met in high school. The harder I tried, the less she thought she had to invest. In hindsight, it's not someone I'd go on a second date with.
The penny dropped for me finally the other day. My trigger is unfairness and blatant abuse of power and position. What makes me truly enraged is when folk take so much pleasure in there manipulations and abuses, and don't even try to hide it. Love and appreciation Richard, please for all our sakes keep doing what you do oh so well. Still healing everyday.
Blatant lying and public shaming really piss me off. One thing Ive noticed people are unwilling to give is quality time together. It doesn't cost a dime and requires no effort but they just won't do it.
My daughter has just lived your experience except she was married and had a child. Since Christmas I’ve seen her go from suicidal to functioning almost normally. She’s had therapy, singing lessons, painted along with bob Ross RU-vid videos to help her recovery. She now appreciates the relationship was deeply flawed from the start but the pain of separation after all that investment is raw. The human spirit is indefatigable, Richard, do whatever it takes to claw your way back to being the best you can be.💛
I sometimes wish YT had more than a thumbs up or down. I hope the only separation is your daughter from the spouse and not her child too. That is insurmountable pain to face and it is often dismissed by society. My heart goes out to you and especially your daughter. Focus on the child's (grandchild's) upbringing and future, try to help her be better than past generations. Alow youth to know and understand we adults are flawed and trying to be better...well, most of us I hope.
@@CFAweiss the lioness grandmother showed up in me so my daughter and grandson have moved in with me. I have been fiercely protective of my grandsons emotional well being throughout. I’ve even had to shield my daughter from communicating with her ex spouse because things got a little hairy after she egged and floured his car. We took it as a sign that we needed to put the brakes on and redraw the ground rules. We do this on a regular basis as the ex spouse really needs therapy but is in denial so we focus on my daughter’s recovery and the joy of having my grandson in our lives💛
@@lizdaniels7846 you are rocking and amazing . I am very happy she and grandson are with you. Healthy functioning Family gives us a lot of support if other parts fall off and here you are. :)
@@lizdaniels7846 be very careful about protecting the grandson. My nephew became a monster because my mom and sister "protected " him. He's totally entitled.
Sometime breakdown is actually breakthrough. Sometimes our soul gets inflamed after taking in too much toxicity. Sometimes we need to hit that point where we say that we have had enough. I call it spiritual puking.
The insincerity of showing kindness towards others that won't mirror that quality is a childhood trigger for me. It was expected of me by my parents and was a resentment I carried until I came to understand it. Being nice to mean people doesn't make them change who they are
I know exactly what you mean. I don’t put up with it anymore. Society has become infested with entitled babies, saying look at me. I respect those who respect me. Those who don’t, get the Turtle treatment . They go quiet very quickly😁
@@toucheturtle3840 Theirs a saying I repeat in head to remind me of how different people should be treated, "accept people for who they are". If someone is a jerk then I will forever perceive them to be a jerk until they can prove to me otherwise
@@coldcloakmusic6630 I have a system that I began using that helps me to categorize what box to put someone in. -enemy, =acquaintance, +friend. I secretly assign one those symbols that best identifies how I perceive an individual. Doing that removes almost any apprehension I have to treat them the way they deserve to be treated
This is the second RU-vidr I've seen cover this topic recently. I myself have always believed that virtue signaling is essentially a form of someone covering their tracks. Those who virtue signal the loudest, often have the most skeletons in their closet. I have skeletons, like anyone. But I don't boast to the world all my virtues.
I agree with you, but in a way, the fact that you are stating that you don't boast about all your virtues is kind of virtue signalling. I'm not criticising you, and in a way my comment is a little tongue in cheek, and also it's a no-win situation, and I also agree with your sentiment and comment. I guess people who believe they are doing good just do good and no-one needs to know. Have a nice day!
@@bovinicide I knew someone was going to reply with that. Lol. Here is the difference, I admitted I have skeletons, I don't claim to be holy and virtuous. Basically what I was saying was, I don't claim to be virtuous, because I know I am not. Most people who virtue signal are always pointing their finger outwards, never inwards. I've pointed mine inwards plenty, because I know how f*cked up I can be.
@@stayanddrown I know that's where you were coming from. None of are perfect, have shadows, I agree with everything you say pretty much. Call it friendly banter.
So you are on the right track with the virtue reasoning. But if you turn your vice into a virtue, you will be able to satisfy your vice. Ex: in California lgb organization uses the virtue of "we want to give children rights" but the vice is taking parental rights away so the lgb demographic can access children.
So sorry to hear about your breakdown. I’m also 43 and had a recent breakdown. Your talks on codependency, inner critic work and on healing complex PTSD have kept me afloat the last 6 weeks. So much so I’m now swimming with my head above water. Thank you for all you teach and share and for neither shying away from the tough stuff nor losing your ace humour. Your clarity is a beacon and I can’t thank you enough.
I’m 67. Recently broke up with gf of 7 years. Talk about time invested. But as you say, it was my fear of loss that kept me in it. At a deep level I take responsibility for what happened but I still find myself blaming her.
Age and time plays tricks on our mind praise and blame it’s all the same. Celebrate. Yes we have to take responsibility but that does not mean that they are not accountable so you’re right both are going on and it’s OK it’s part of how we heal after we change a relationship - it’s growing pains even at 67 what a kick huh. Thank you for sharing - i’d like to say it gets better but that’s only true if you let it. U got this have delight it’s your right. And how sad you don’t wanna stay with somebody just because you don’t want to be alone -Being alone is better than being alone / lonely when you’re with somebody. Being self full is key and then in or out of any relationship it’s good we can’t give over our power to steer are human earth suit vehicle to another and then wonder why we’re not liking the Journey or destination right. Thrive on drive on Life‘s a journey not a destination somehow we tend to forget that. Thank you for helping me remember.
That still doesn't make it your fault. You may have both had a part to play but at the core she is to blame. Manipulative people with no regard for those most invested in them need to stop what they are doing. I'm tired of letting them off the hook. Sure maybe I shouldn't have stayed as long but if she had been frigging normal we would both have had a decent life together. That's all I wanted yet she made me pay for that? For loving her? Nah, I'm not blaming myself for that one.
Too bad for you that hypocrisy is such a strong trigger. There is a super-abundance of now so find the humor in it when you see it. Contempt is the one I find hardest to deal with effectively.
My husband and I have been together since we were 13, married at 19 and have been married for 33 years. I agree, when we made our commitment to each other we knew there would always be sacrifices, looking back, all those sacrifices have been insignificant. Although, I have told him to get things right this time around in this lifetime because I am not coming back again😉
After 10 years of someone playing with my heart and life, I finally asked important and very real questions which irritated him and we were done. I really feel like that time was stolen based on all the implicit lies. I understand your being infuriated by anyone doing this to you - time is the one thing we cannot get back, and trust of all other relationships is hard to get back as well but not necessarily impossible. 10 years is a hard lesson that leaves its mark. I'm in my mid-fifties and that wasted time breaks my heart. I'm so sad you've had to experience this and am so happy you are finding therapy helpful. You are so mentally strong and intelligent, I'm sure you will get through this and be even more fortified at the end of this.
Commitment is full of sacrifices, compromises, and the gifts truly exist on the level of "you had to be there" to be appreciated. Interestingly, I wouldn't have it any other way. It's not gooey, or even very often that romantic after the first few years. But it is deeply, profoundly enriching to truly commit to a life built with another, to the relationship as the third entity both have created. Blessings to you, Mr Grannon.
My trigger is people wasting my time. Every second that passes I'm one step closer to death and people toying with that time (by being late, by stringing along, etc) is one of thr few things that get me mental.
“Nothing that we despise in other men is inherently absent from ourselves. We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or don't do, and more in light of what they suffer.” ― Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Yes, and I, as a keyworker within a hostel whitnessed a true narcissist jacking herself up on the misery of the homeless people she was supposed to be helping. And she would tell them that she was a millionaire with property she rented out. And her breath reaked. It made me sick.
Thank you, Richard. Hypocrisy is akin to telling lies, for me. I would prefer to have someone be “transparent” and show me the truth of who they are. I can deal with “darkness”, but if someone pretends to be kind or virtuous, and is not those things, I would gladly give them the door. Blessings!
I have been asking myself this question for the last 3 years that 'what is loyalty.?' And whenever I contemplate on this question I always come up with one answer and that's 'sacrifice.' We should be careful who we are losing our time and attention for. It does matter because we are not gonna get it back.
I personally hate the word "loyalty" due to the fact that it is spewed more often than not by those who expect to use us. They brag about us not being loyal to them when we do not fall for their attempts of controlling us.
Yes, Dr. Jorden did refer to this in relationships. He referred to being extremely picky about your significant other & getting it right. It affects everything in your life. He hasn’t been wrong yet! I agree with everything you say. Their is so much fraud in the Concept of trying to do good for other people. It’s also a high trigger for me. What are your other channels? Thanks for this information.
Dr. Peterson shouldn’t be talking about being “picky” because he only had one relationship that started when he was about 19 or 20. He picked only one person, that’s not being picky. Being picky is wanting cake and going to a couple of different bakeries to eat cake and after trying different cakes at different bakeries you’re like Na, I’m gonna go to Alice’s bakery and get a piece of chocolate cake from there. That’s being picky
I feel extremely emotional listening to your words in this video. Makes me scream or cry or want to run away... I am feeling panic now. this is too much waking up for me. I feel like I need to vomit. truth is always so painful. I do not want it to be true and to feel that painful dissonance which is brining too much awareness into my field right now. I don't want it, don't want to feel it. if this is true, I probably need to leave him for my true values... I am so afraid for truth
Thank you for this video. “I let the bauble dropped. I collapse. I am very upset. I’m heartbroken. I cease to function. “ I didn’t go to therapy- I just listen to your videos. And yes, I did not lose an arm or a leg or my life. I will heal from this. Much thanks for your words that puts everything into perspectives for me. The bit about what is commitment - is very helpful too. I was right to walk away.
Thankyou for taking concepts that have been so hard for me to even define and making them understandable for me. There’s been a lot of lightbulb “ding” ohhhhh moments for me in this video. Thankyou for your time and attention, being so open, vulnerable and real.
Omg. Are you reading my mind and life?!?! I just had to let go of a much younger lover that has been floating around for the last 6 months despite my many attempts to talk to him about us being in different stages of life. He couldn’t keep up with the maturity I need and want in a relationship. He sounds like what you said about not sleeping with other women, and was really really “nice” to me, but he also dumped all his past trauma on me by talking about it every time we hung out. I felt so connected to him, but I felt like a big sister mom type. No thank you. Tough for a minute, but I felt so compromised it became so imminent to not talk to this person anymore who clearly does not understand that my hard work and investing needs to be handled with care and clarity. It’s like he just thought if he got me to feel for him, I would be happy and that’s all I would need is to emotionally be there for him. Wtf? Any hoo. Thank you for this video. Icing on the cake.
As hypocrisy arises, so does a set of lies that someone hides behind and uses to virtual signal, self-exonerate, do one-upmanship, and shame others, often all at the same time. It can be a multi-functional mind-F, distorting reality, and it's so easy for the perpetrator to do. I may be overstating it, but I'm drawing from a personal experience.
Sorry for what happened. 🌸 Just so I understand what you’re saying. Oversimplified: If I eat at two different restaurants each week, it could be said I’m committed to both-but not exclusive. If I eat at only one restaurant each week, and something goes wrong and I don’t come back, I was exclusive-but not committed. So (back to people) the question then becomes what was the intent of either party? Are there any similarities to what happened in 2017? Your classes teach us how to recognize patterns and to know when something is off. It’s worked for me so far, so hope you can expand in later videos. Hang in there, Coach.🥲
Well the first situation I don’t think you were committed. He is explaining the ambiguity of what committed means and its various definitions. You are exclusive to both restaurants, but not committed. In the second situation you have been exclusive but have shown that you weren’t committed.
Thank you for sharing your journeys. Your lectures have been life-changing for me. Your efforts, your honesty, your straightforward kindness to strangers who you may never meet--please believe that we appreciate it!
I have recently discovered statement analysis which is fantastic, the truth bleeding through in words, People use words and we fill in the gaps from what we think they mean, but if we look at their words and listen you will see the truth.. A very useful skill indeed.
My bauble was only dangling ..so I forced it to drop ..and then I started to travel the road back to me (with therapy)..and realised how little I had thought of myself to settle for crumbs when I was hankering for a full loaf!...Still on the road, but won't be zooming through red lights anymore! Good Video!
You are on fire Mr Grannon. 🔥🔥🔥Your work has helped me so much. I keep watching because you are actually one of the most authentic genuine people on the whole planet. Yes please take over the world because you are exactly what it needs. 💖
Fabulous, so true. True commitment is something people struggle with these days. I think options are kept open and narcissists especially the covert type, are never committed. Lived that one too
Dude u got me thru years of recovery from ex narc..love u..I had my melt down not long ago at shear anger seeing everyone act so unacceptably!! Nothing is wrong w u...the world needs an asswhippng. And we are suhrounded by this shit and we are not shit..comes a point when we have had enough.. Youth energy time.. Meltdown is not the word for the anger I found....we should all harness this anger ....the good ones vs assholes.
Unfortunately, hypocrisy is packaged and sold as acceptable. As long as one virtue signals, again, language disguises the thought. Don’t look at what a person or collective says, watch what they do. Thanks Richard 🙏🏻
*Slams hand on table hard enough to break it* YES! THIS! DAMMIT, YES!! There is an inherent selfishness in what is being accepted as acceptable behavior in all kinds of relationships. I was totally burnt in my marriage in my 20s and 30s, so for my 40s and so far into my 50s, I have been the one putting minimal effort in (in friendship, I've totally avoided romance). But I'm willing to see that I'm doing this and am working on investing in my friends so that I can invest in a romantic relationship should one develop. Thank you for telling it like it is.
My heavy soul brother, always articulating what i think. I started referring people to your channel so that the exact contents of my lectures is always available without me having to give them anymore. 🙏🏽 i deserve the break.
Hey Richard, its good your still coming to you tube, you have helped me immensley over the last 2 yrs. Of my life, where in i found myself with a Narc. He was able to take 2 injury settlements b4 i realized what i was dealing with....i was on a housing voucher at the time b.c of my injurys....i was evicted b.c housing said he lived with me although at that time had been apart for 8 mnths. And i gave them verifiable proof he had his own residence, didnt matter. So after being beet by the Narc. The government then went and took my home, my daughter was 6 at that time....ive been homeless for a yr. Now, still recovering from injurys and the trauma of it all,....i wish thete wzs someone i coyld tslk to, about Narcisism on a macro scale or any type, we dont have thetapists here that deal in Narcsisism let alone lawyets to help me sue for the over 13000 i spent being homeless....i know how to freek the living fuck out at injustice now as well....enjoy and thank you so much for being you.
This is speaking to me so much. Recently went through something very similar: "I'm 100 percent committed" which was really just a jazzed up sexual exclusivity. Left a comment, but it was so long-winded and personal, I erased lol. I'm still pissed! Suffice to say--you didn't lose an arm, a limb, or your life, you lost someone who doesn't even know what commitment is. My ex someone tossed me out like a piece of trash (literally out of his house when I called him on the bs). Better to end now than 10 years into marriage with innocent children in the mix, a few houses, and businesses. Yes, it hurts like hell and is very confusing. The first step is unmasking that bs commitment facade. And then the discipline to just plow through day by day until the pain is gone. You got this :)
What I would like to know is how did we get brain washed into believing that we are supposed to make such an important commitment to just one person? People come and go in many different ways for many different reasons. The way we as a species evolved, were able to survive and lived for many many thousands of years was by being committed to the tribe, village or family. The support group was big and burdens were shared. Now those intimate social structures are gone and we try to place all that on just one person. Its a very fragile way to live and most likely not sustainable.
That's something I've realized in life being the first kid born in 29 years in my small family. Only had mom, grandmother, and a childless aunt. They put all their hopes and dreams in me and they were all single themselves. I also married a man who had nothing else much in his life but me but after 8 years of not being able to be everything he needed so he had affairs I divorced . I've spent my whole life feeling like I had too many people expecting make up for everything they were missing in their personal lives.
I hear it a lot when people say, "My partner is my world". Meaning if they left or died, there is nothing left for you. It's even worse nowadays when families are split up geographically and so far apart, parents and siblings living thousands of miles away in another country sometimes. It's a lot of pressure to have someone consider you "their world" and expect you to be many things rolled into one.
I hate both hypocrisy & injustice, together with disloyalty. To be honest, I find very hard to swallow how _some buddy_ could be committed and disloyal with somebody else at the same time. I certainly place _Loyalty_ over any sort of so-called 'commitment'. Who wants to be committed with someone unfair ?
Thank you for your honest sharing. I wonder if all of us early childhood trauma survivors have the same basic triggers…. I personally believe healing from it is never ending. You are so brave with your transparency which is refreshing and appreciated.
I gambled my youth and lost. Can’t get it back. I’m supposed to just get over it. Unfortunately I’m not that cute, young thing anymore…treading through life carefully. The fear of it happening again rules my life.
Another thought provoking talk. Well done. But what about our most ill-defined and over-used word: LOVE. "I'm only doing this because I love you." Yeah, uh huh.
Definition of love is something every single one of us have to state for themselves and don't accept anything less than as the self-love also comes to the play but the example i was presenting was about people who pretend and deceive others to use them... in this cases things get revealed in time and of course then its its obvious that there isn't much love but What I am saying is People need to rewev the level of commitment in their long term relationships regularly and communicate . But most importantly they need to know for themselves what commitment means for them and what is the optimum level of investment they are willing to accept (be same page with partner otherwise they eventually go separate ways )
Watched a ton of Richard's videos and value them very much. It did not seem from his content that he was a fan of traditional talk therapy-so I was really surprised to hear he was seeing a therapist. Shocked even.Was anyone else here surprised? Thanks for this great community!
Consumption is not commitment. It's rare to come across a person who can commit (to a friendship or relationship)....or to at least be transparent and openly/clearly express that they can't commit (or don't want to) so that you can then chose whether or not you continue the interaction from an informed position. Any deception, deceit, with-holding, in-out energy is not worth my time or energy. I don't entertain my own shadow, so why would I entertain and engage with other people's shadow? Another great video Richard. Thanks for all your bring forth.
I have same trigger as others get bullied and injustice. The courage you demonstate as you discuss you inner parts. Thank you Mr. Grannon! You are brilliant.
Well, young man, there in an unEnglish ness about your expressions. You are confident in your speech. So you've kept the best bits of being English, but dropped the apologies and people pleasing. Fab. Love it. You are redefining your culture. As I am redefining mine.
For relationships I can see myself avoiding all those issues by waiting on us being on the same level of commitment and creating a covenant of marriage and then being intimate and sharing everything else not prior. They have no reason to be committed to me prior to that because I have given them already a part of me they received freely.
Thank you for being as authentic as possible, in the human journey, and sharing it all with us. Through the gratefulness, it's still painful to hear that you are going through rough times.
I was so touched by your last breakdown. It was relatable and raw. So different than your normal attitude . it just made me love you more. I felt sad for you but not in a way I wanted to save you. It's weird comerserating with someone you feel close to that doesn't know you at all. But hey it's all I've got. I REALLY appreciate you.
Hey Mr Grannon. I've bought your package (the professional package;o) On the off chance you might read this, I just wanted to thank you for being so brave, outspoken, straight-shooting and - knowledgeable. I appreciate the yang, embodied energy you bring to the table. Pia Mellody, Robin Norwood, Harriet Lerner saved my butt, but I needed more energy and more muscle (and less 'woe is me') My mother has vicious BPD, father is a covert narcissist - the whole family - rich, powerful - is completely messed up. I ran. Went into the arts, thinking I'd be safe (ha! joke for another day!). Moved to Asia. Kept falling for vampires. Cleaned up my act slowly after a therapist friend performed an intervention on me and explained the N word. It was F*CKING gnarly. And in 20 years of growing awareness, I didn't get all of the bits. I didn't identify ALL my blind spots. Thanks to you, I feel I got myself a flame-thrower. I'm powering it with sweat and blood, but it's worth it. I had a gigantic epiphany about emotional flashbacks, thanks to you. I HADN'T NOTICED them and now I know I have them 50 times a day. FFS. Anyhoo - you're awesome and have a place to crash in northern Thailand forever, should you want it. PS: I am a licensed counselor as of this month. I intend to use your material. A LOT.
I only came across your videos on Saturday & spent all weekend watching them & taking notes . It really helped heal something in me. I've been struggling to get over a relationship with what I thought was my best friend & lover. He ghosted me a year ago, well actually he's done it repeatedly when I reflect on it.. When we met up again in 2019 we were great friends & then he seduced me into intimacy.. I happily allowed it to happen because I've always adored him. Then 5 months later just before my dad died, he told me he wanted to keep his options open. So I left broken hearted. Then he bombarded me with txs while I was watching my dad slowly die over the next 3 months. I bumped into him 8 months later & he was so sorry & missed me & I got back into spending time with him. 6 months into it, he invited me to event, then said he wanted us to go in separate cars. When I got to event he was with his new "love interest" . He showed no remorse or emotion. Classic head fuck stuff. After watching your videos on CPTSD & Narcissism I can finally identify myself as suffering with CPTSD & he probably does too, tho he ticks all the boxes as a cluster B. We met over 20 years ago, we both worked for same charity. I really admired his sense of justice, its something we both shared in common. The more I listen to what you share, the more alarms go off in my head Although it still hurts like hell, I feel relief to finally be able to understand & put words to what played out between us. Probably sounds mad, but I've been so emotionally devastated, bad enough to lose a lover, but to lose a friendship that spanned 20+ years really hurts. I'm glad I found you. I'm doing the emotional flashback & values work & look forward to signing up for summoning the self when I'm emotionally literate. I hear where you're coming from loud & clear. Thanks for sharing. It's really divine timing.. Can relate to the meltdown too, I burned out at my job 4 years ago & still recovering. These last few years have been the perfect storm that's annihilated every aspect of my old life. Mind yourself & keep sharing - you're great & I love how you can laugh about it all. I hope I can laugh some day too 🙃
