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The Real Reason Relationships Fail | Abby Medcalf | TEDxOneonta 

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Nearly every couple Abby meets tells her this one concept is a complete game-changer. After just one session, they’re able to get rid of their habit of keeping score and, instead, adopt a new mindset of seeing themselves as a shared, collaborative resource. This shift in perspective results in a deeper connection and a happier, more fulfilled relationship (even if their partner won’t do a thing). Abby Medcalf is a psychologist, author and speaker. She has spent the last 30 years helping thousands of people create lasting change in their relationships, in a short amount of time, by applying her background in business and psychology. She is also the Best Selling Author of "Be Happily Married, Even if Your Partner Won't Do A Thing" and host of the 5-star rated "Relationships Made Easy" podcast. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

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5 ноя 2019

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Комментарии : 126   
@ironjohn5914
@ironjohn5914 3 года назад
The real reason is because in everyone's mind "i can do better" "i deserve better" " grass is greener" except......one time everyone will look back in life and relise only then did they have the greenest best grass ever!!! But its wayyy too late.........
@CandyBoot
@CandyBoot 2 года назад
The grass is only greener on the other side because it hasn’t been threaded upon by bad people. When you care for your grass, it’ll stay green.💚
@FadiGamingRP
@FadiGamingRP Год назад
Not always true.
@tijoinathompson7447
@tijoinathompson7447 2 года назад
Giving 100% depends on how u feel towards the person, i gave my all n i got hurt and its like i did nothing. At this point i dont have the love or the energy to do that. Individual love to be valued n praise and seen, and if u already have that, there wouldn't be a problem in the first place.
@billdeng9050
@billdeng9050 2 года назад
no one is forcing you to do anything. you watched this video because you chose to.
@MaxIsBackInTown
@MaxIsBackInTown 2 года назад
Wow you really missed the point
@mariegreen8763
@mariegreen8763 2 года назад
I agree with you...
@illudineye4469
@illudineye4469 3 года назад
Your putting in 100% in a relationship is powerful! Consistency is inspiring. Thank you!
@Sunset-oz4rf
@Sunset-oz4rf 2 года назад
Because its life we are here to experience relationship's, nothing is promised.
@motv-independentthinkingfo3817
@motv-independentthinkingfo3817 4 года назад
Amen! Straight Up Facts! You Can't Compete With Your Partner Nor Give Less Than Your 100% Best & Expect Your Relationship To Be A Success!💯💯💯💯💯
@curious_gage
@curious_gage Год назад
You can give 100% and still get dumped. There’s so much more to it.
@mariegreen8763
@mariegreen8763 2 года назад
It does not work like this, it does not!! If someone does not or stops loving you it will not change his attitude!!!!
@MariaMc42
@MariaMc42 2 года назад
I love this! But the one question I have is how long can you give 100% if the other person does not change?
@mirjadoon4683
@mirjadoon4683 2 года назад
You discuss it first about how you feel when you give it all and they give you half the energy. Express your feelings emotions, communicate. If that feels then it may be hard, but let go of them. Because with time you will continuously give them more and they will always expect it, when you mirror them they respond negatively and become a victim (victim mindset)
@martinhealourlovecamden9191
@martinhealourlovecamden9191 3 года назад
You can't make the other do 100%, if they're subconsciously determined not to ~ and what if you're giving 100% and the other just takes this for granted and just asks for more and more and more?
@MaxIsBackInTown
@MaxIsBackInTown 2 года назад
Give it a shot before thinking it won’t work.
@JJanko61
@JJanko61 9 месяцев назад
Amen putting 100% will give you promotions, more love, warmth humor and thoughtfulness with the relationship. Remember that communication is key
@yz4043
@yz4043 3 года назад
She looks great for 54!
@AnnaMazingFusion
@AnnaMazingFusion 2 года назад
Right she looks 40
@adrianasotolongo8703
@adrianasotolongo8703 4 года назад
What about personal boundaries? Aren't those important to uphold? Sounds to me like you are suggesting to ignore personal boundaries. One should be able to say no when we are truly uncomfortable and do not want to do something even if the other person gets upset. As much as I would like to give it 100%, there's a limit to how much I can continue to give it all if the other person completely ignores it... And that's important to recognize, at least that's how I feel.
@vijay0861
@vijay0861 2 года назад
No use of giving 100% if other person keeps ignoring you...
@MaxIsBackInTown
@MaxIsBackInTown 2 года назад
It sounds like you missed the point and made up your own.
@Leitis_Fella
@Leitis_Fella 2 года назад
I agree that we need to collaborate in our romantic relationships. Only compromising will leave you both dissatisfied. Look for practical solutions that best suit both your needs and respect both your boundaries. I don't necessarily agree with the part about addition. We should strive for a long-term average of 50/50 that adds up to 100%. My take on it is that sometimes your partner needs space or is having a bad day, so some days it will be 80/20, or 40/60 or vice versa. The one thing this video misses is that if you put in all the effort and your partner is getting complacent, you need to discuss and sort things out. If they don't, leave. Do not fall for the sunk cost fallacy. You are better off single than in a bad relationship.
@billdeng9050
@billdeng9050 2 года назад
everyone else in the comments: watching this video to try to fix their relationship me: watching this video to reflect on the dysfunctional marriage my parents have
@Anesa100
@Anesa100 Год назад
I was giving my all for years and it only got worse. He was exhausted by work and his goals while there was little time left for me. I got tired of giving 100 % and expected more equality. After 4 years I am left with nothing...
@zippermonster9596
@zippermonster9596 Год назад
15 years of this.
@snowjae9380
@snowjae9380 Год назад
I’m curious if this was communicated? And if so, how was his response? Did he keep choosing work?
@Anesa100
@Anesa100 Год назад
@@snowjae9380 It was. He avoided "confrontation" coz he knew at this point I was not a priority anymore. So whenever I tried to talk with him he was avoiding the conversation. Closing the topic with " I am tired" or " I don't wanna argue" although we hardly ever argued. There was someone new on a horizon.
@JJanko61
@JJanko61 9 месяцев назад
Great relationships aren’t built in a day. They are built daily 🙃🙃🙃
@dianaortiz1150
@dianaortiz1150 3 года назад
Didn’t work for me. I gave 100% Didn’t compete, did everything and was loving and kind. This just made him lazy in the relationship. After about a year I walked away.
@AnnaMazingFusion
@AnnaMazingFusion 2 года назад
I’m starting a relationship and I’m scared of this happening to me
@valbonaivezaj140
@valbonaivezaj140 2 года назад
exactly haha
@MaxIsBackInTown
@MaxIsBackInTown 2 года назад
If you were only together a year you both barely knew each other.
@dianaortiz1150
@dianaortiz1150 2 года назад
@@MaxIsBackInTown Maybe
@kacey_donner
@kacey_donner 3 года назад
Sounds like she is saying, "Be the change you wish to see" and your partner's mirror neurons will kick in.
@confidentguy1727
@confidentguy1727 3 года назад
EXACTLY
@adinubila
@adinubila 3 года назад
if you're lucky they will...
@ashlynmetz5011
@ashlynmetz5011 Год назад
My literal hero. She's so clever!
@zacharysherry2910
@zacharysherry2910 Год назад
You had me at "We both have excellent arguments." As far as I can see there's actually no way for my spouse to talk to me, and that has made all the difference for the worse. I can't say or listen to even a single word because it won't happen. I wish.
@laurahersh114
@laurahersh114 4 года назад
I was in a relationship like this--gave my 100% and he still only gave 50%or less than that. He looked at other women, withheld affection, and wouldn't talk with me--stonewalled etc...I really tried---I did this and I failed. Is this 100% guarenteed? Because isn't it possible that the other person can be emotionally blocked even if I do my 100%? Because after a while---nothing was coming back conistantly. He became emotionally abusive. Does this work with people who don't want to commit because they are not ready? Does this work for the partner of someone who gives 100% of thier love compassion and presence with someone who is not willing to do the work or open up or lt go of resentment? After enough betrayal I couldn't trust him 100%
@laurahersh114
@laurahersh114 4 года назад
And I think in a conscious relationship when two people really love eavh other and are committed this can work
@CarterWills1
@CarterWills1 3 года назад
You sound like you are obsessive and a bit controlling
@Danyella78
@Danyella78 3 года назад
@@CarterWills1 huh??....
@Danyella78
@Danyella78 3 года назад
By any chance..were you dealing with a Libra?
@bengore5460
@bengore5460 3 года назад
As a 24 year old man who has just experienced this but the other way around with me giving my all and receiving nothing in return, I know exactly the pain you’re feeling. I hope you are in a better place now than you were, and that you never have to experience it again! Others will never understand until they experience the same
@neranderthal
@neranderthal 4 года назад
Wouldn’t this just make your partner take you for granted?
@AlvinShen
@AlvinShen 3 года назад
that’s exactly what i’m thinking
@acaciaglobal5037
@acaciaglobal5037 3 года назад
That's the negative thought she's talking about which will hinder you to do good.
@AlvinShen
@AlvinShen 3 года назад
Acacia Global can you further explain? i’m curious
@Danyella78
@Danyella78 3 года назад
@@AlvinShen you're putting the negative thought/statement out into your subconscious mind which ultimately will lead to failure. This is like the Law of Attraction.
@martinthabang9621
@martinthabang9621 3 года назад
I agree. Let's not lie to ourselves and call it positive thinking. Give it your all and trust that your partner will do the same and should they fail to do so, then being truthful with yourself and looking else where is the most positive thing you can do for yourself because no matter how much you try to change to make yourself okay with having less than you need. You'll just be wasting your time and robbing yourself of the possibility of getting what you want. And that possibility is greater than that of the person who doesn't see any value into putting work into the relationship.
@Yumicpcake
@Yumicpcake 4 года назад
The dishwasher facts are facts, not just your personal opinion. There are instructions on how to load dishwashers online that tell you the same thing.
@Wonderland8183
@Wonderland8183 3 года назад
😂😅😁
@Katrica670
@Katrica670 3 года назад
@10:22 it doesn't Always work that way and you know it! Sometimes a person is so considerate, generous and the other person is soo selfish! There are a lot of uneven/imbalanced couples out there!
@andrewmorgan6381
@andrewmorgan6381 3 года назад
So why would you continue to be with that person that is so selfish that is absolutely unbearable ?
@Katrica670
@Katrica670 3 года назад
@@andrewmorgan6381 I didn't say me, but Lotsa people stay cause unfortunately it is familiar aka usually their dad, but some people's mom behaved this way.
@MaxIsBackInTown
@MaxIsBackInTown 2 года назад
Obviously this video does not discuss every possible relationship issue.
@bryansk2909
@bryansk2909 Год назад
This video assumes that both partners are a 1. So if you are a 1 and your partner is probably a 1/2 0r even a 1/4, the you expect to endure worse. Rethink your choice of partner
@martinhealourlovecamden9191
@martinhealourlovecamden9191 3 года назад
A SUGGESTION FOR HANDLING OVERHEATING DEBATES / OR ANYONE SULKING - the one that craves stability the most should repeatedly COMMAND (not demand) with as much patience as it takes, that you both stand up, face-to-face, eyes-to-eyes, arms loose by your sides, in total silence, until you both remember that you're both human, such that you both break out eventually with smiles, and then remember how easy it is for you both to love each other in happier / less contentious times !! Plan this technique in advance when then going beteen you is good, or not that bad !! If you can't get this 'game' to work, then you should seperate amicably on the grounds of incompatibility !!
@Knockietheking
@Knockietheking 2 года назад
Interesting
@KrystleEnergy
@KrystleEnergy 4 года назад
I did a video related to this recently about meeting a partner that can help you achieve your dreams (and of course, you also helping that person). Similar to Abby's equation, 1 x 1 = 1, but with the idea that both people become greater because of the relationship, instead: 1 + 1 = 3.
@Darkri56789
@Darkri56789 Год назад
That math
@cht2162
@cht2162 27 дней назад
Personality Disorders, especially Cluster B PD's, devastate relationships. Both couple and individual therapy are needed.
@mathematiciansinaction116
@mathematiciansinaction116 3 года назад
Great!
@martinthabang9621
@martinthabang9621 3 года назад
I'm in complete disagreement with what you're saying. Great relationship are built by people who are both looking out to make their partner happier. When we're both working to positively affect our partners and we actually believe them when they tell us how they'd like us to love them. It's easy to give your all in any relationship. But if both you and you're partner are focused on making your partner happy, both of you are focused on your partners needs then you will be the one losing. And I don't say this to as if I'm keeping track/ a log of what one person is doing for the other. But when you're all give and your partner is all take, I promise you, you will feel how unfair and saddening the realisation becomes. The one in the most pain is the one that should be willing to act. Be it voice out their pain, and I'm assuming that they are in the most pain because talking and all the advice on communication in a relationship with a partner who only cares about their own needs all failed. So... The one in the most pain should be the one willing to act, even if that means a breakup. It's hard loving someone who is in love with themselves.
@adinubila
@adinubila 3 года назад
agreed - one person can't be the only one doing all the work or feel they are being taken advantage of/for granted
@anonnymous4684
@anonnymous4684 2 года назад
I do agree with your general point but less sure about your last sentence. Those who are happy to do all the taking usually aren't 'in love with themselves', but damaged, insecure people who struggle to love in healthy way, and instead, harness the other's generosity of spirit in order to bolster their fragile ego. It's an easy fix to avoid working on themselves, which they invariably find too painful. People who are well adjusted way, don''t need to resort to selfish, exploitative behaviour.
@martinthabang9621
@martinthabang9621 2 года назад
@@anonnymous4684 I like the perspective that you've taken. I hadn't thought about it that way. Thank you
@MaxIsBackInTown
@MaxIsBackInTown 2 года назад
I don’t think you understood the video
@martinthabang9621
@martinthabang9621 2 года назад
@@MaxIsBackInTown care to expand
@hollycolotta9859
@hollycolotta9859 5 месяцев назад
That was excellent
@michaelandrew83
@michaelandrew83 2 года назад
This hit hard wow
@crxnkongfuel7506
@crxnkongfuel7506 4 года назад
Ah yeah no. Great way to be taken advantage of and waste time. Terrible advice.
@MaxIsBackInTown
@MaxIsBackInTown 2 года назад
It’s amazing how far you missed the point
@terrycraig6386
@terrycraig6386 7 месяцев назад
Love her bellbottom pants.anybody else?😊😊
@djmitchell3464
@djmitchell3464 6 месяцев назад
What if your burnt out from doing all these things and slowly realize over time you aren't actually getting anything in return as fulfillment. Now your ready to move on because you dont want to change a person for what you want them to be but rather them organically want to be a better them. I rather ppl change genuinely without asking so i know its not forced.
@AliKhan-fs3rm
@AliKhan-fs3rm 3 года назад
When you are in the right relationship. 1 + 1 = 11
@graciewebb9914
@graciewebb9914 3 года назад
Hi
@projectxrapture
@projectxrapture 3 года назад
Facts
@juhanleemet
@juhanleemet 3 года назад
I guess that is the point: one has to find the right relationship?
@jlnapoleon
@jlnapoleon Год назад
I have learned we always need to start by saying healthy. Give 100% works when both people are healthy and you are in a healthy relationship. We are always doing things and wondering why in the world it’s not working because you forgot to make sure both parties are healthy. 1+1=11 in a healthy relationship ahhh yes now I can see it. Thank you 🙏🏽
@fatbones4life252
@fatbones4life252 2 года назад
Why is it competition and not equity??
@Nicolatkd
@Nicolatkd 3 года назад
I did exactly this. And guess what?
@KailieVC
@KailieVC 3 года назад
What??
@liviantus
@liviantus 3 года назад
You still broke up haha
@rossdurden
@rossdurden 3 года назад
TELL US
@ivanjuarez1160
@ivanjuarez1160 3 года назад
You broke up
@divagirl10
@divagirl10 2 года назад
Excellent talk
@musakabir9613
@musakabir9613 2 года назад
I know of a man who could help you restore back your relationship either your ex or soulmate
@musakabir9613
@musakabir9613 2 года назад
He was the one who helped me in restoring back my ex partner three days ago without delay
@musakabir9613
@musakabir9613 2 года назад
Whtsaap him"**
@musakabir9613
@musakabir9613 2 года назад
±2348140799323⏭⏭
@amandaarebel
@amandaarebel 2 года назад
It should be atleast 80 to 100% equal effort for the relationship specially when it is an LDR. As the initial intimacy and relationship standards change, your needs change as you grow apart and separately as individuals from each other. A relationship is not healthy or conducive when it make one person more upset than the other for extended periods of time which was in my case. I'm always the one overthinking, over analysing and pessimistic in the relationship but how do you tell someone else that all of that is because you are no longer in love with the individual. You love them for the person they are but that's about. Now if you want something more than that it takes alot of effort and determination to make it work not shove the entire burden of the relationship on one of the partners shoulders so they have to carry. everything with them
@martinhealourlovecamden9191
@martinhealourlovecamden9191 3 года назад
Cover each other backs ~ if the other shows no interest in doing this, then get out !!
@JJanko61
@JJanko61 9 месяцев назад
What about when a relationship isn’t going the way you want it to? Getting mad doesn’t help or becoming resentful, I felt like the only person trying
@blancaseleneespinosa3093
@blancaseleneespinosa3093 Год назад
No people won’t change unless they want to
@LiveFreeSays
@LiveFreeSays Год назад
100% Commitment from one and 100% from the other; This is what partnership is. Always totaling 100% overall 😎
@valbonaivezaj140
@valbonaivezaj140 2 года назад
Good in theory but doesn't take into account incompatibility
@MaxIsBackInTown
@MaxIsBackInTown 2 года назад
It’s a 12 minute video that clearly does not take every contingency of a relationship into account.
@CarterWills1
@CarterWills1 Год назад
Then don’t be with people who you are incompatible with.
@AlphaHealthyMind.
@AlphaHealthyMind. Год назад
Wow! She is so fine ❤️ and so smart!
@yz4043
@yz4043 3 года назад
Yeah the idea of a relationship is cool and all but I am an individual not 1 shared resource with a person.
@richbattaglia5350
@richbattaglia5350 2 года назад
“Don’t forget there’s two people in a marriage.”
@stebarg
@stebarg 2 года назад
You must be joking!
@upgrade1583
@upgrade1583 4 года назад
Did you really have to study a course to realize people think differently?
@allenblack3785
@allenblack3785 Год назад
Is this another unmarried woman giving relationship advice? Like Oprah? knows everything about marriage and motherhood, but is neither ? But I agree with her
@aidanthompson4422
@aidanthompson4422 8 месяцев назад
Like a mirror
@Cassprr
@Cassprr 4 года назад
nah my relationship failed because she cheated on me 4 times without me knowing
@patpat5135
@patpat5135 3 месяца назад
Seems an idealistic speech. Nothing, nobody is 100% . There are aspects of life where there are no metrics.
@NikkiCCoop
@NikkiCCoop 10 месяцев назад
Omg forks and jelly.. smh
@aldophogasperi6528
@aldophogasperi6528 2 года назад
This is about as dumbbell phycology. One over educated narcissist who's spoon-fed clients have chalkboards full of pointless, verbose backseat advise.
@MaxIsBackInTown
@MaxIsBackInTown 2 года назад
That’s what you learned from a 12 minute video that essentially says don’t sweat the small stuff, look at the big picture , and don’t keep score? Your love life is in for a rough ride.
@belltopcone
@belltopcone 3 года назад
close relationships are dead, the biggest social change is on the horizon and it doesn't have room for close relationships, the only people looking for relationships are women who want children, and there is their Achilles heel , the sooner men realise this the happier all will be.
@yz4043
@yz4043 3 года назад
The wrinkles in her pants annoy me
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