The struggle of MAKING FRIENDS as an adult! 🧡 (Tips + friendship deal breakers.) | Ep. 25

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EP #25 - FOR YOU: Making and Maintaining Adult Friendships That Lift You Up
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This deep-dive on friendships brought to you by countless listener DMs and years of oscillating between loneliness and social burnout. The balance is hard to strike and the stumbling never ends, but if we had to summarize our tips for finding lasting friendships, they might look something like:
Accept that making new friends takes time and will contain disappointment
Know that not every connection needs to be your deepest in order to serve you
Allow space for friendships to breathe when the ebs and flows of life happen
Be mindful of how you approach your friends for help, and how you offer help to them in return
Beware of possessive friendships and passive-aggressive behavior
Be honest with yourself about the friendships you can and should prioritize
In conclusion, everyone's just trying to live their lives. Plus some stupider tidbits we threw into the episode for good measure, including Caroline's iPhone notes from 2017, a hidden talent Jess discovered in herself this week, and the origin story of the phrase "having a time." AND ALSO, a drop-in from our editor, Abi! Now let Jess get back to her ugly night.
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This episode was edited by none other than our prince, Abi Newhouse.
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Not for Everyone is an existential commentary podcast hosted by one hater (Caroline Winkler) and one lover (Jess DeBakey), with new episodes every Thursday.
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/5f9AtKs...
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
And everywhere else: podcasters.spotify.com/pod/sh...
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And FOLLOW US on Instagram for more:
@not4everyonepod
@thegoodsitter
@jzdebakey
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This episode was produced by none other than our prince, @abinewhouse.
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Share with a friend! Subscribe and rate us on your favorite podcasting app! Review us on Apple Podcasts!
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Contents of this Video
00:00 - Intro
00:18 - we're failing across the board
4:00 - how to have an "UGLY" day
10:20 - the meanest comment about Caroline's physical appearance
12:20 - the struggle of making friends as an adult
17:30 - why socializing is harder after school
23:00 - changing your mindset
26:35 - embracing different levels of friendship
32:20 - when your friendship needs don't match up
37:30 - maintaining friendships LONGTERM
42:15 - setting your social INTENTIONS / GOALS
48:00 - what to do with limited time/energy
54:30 - how to NOT dump on your friends
1:00:20 - friendship JELOUSY
1:11:30 - the fallacy of "figuring it all out"
1:15:20 - if you fall in love, ask yourself these questions...
1:19:55 - Jess is an olympian
1:23:55 - we were not cool in college
1:26:49 - Jess is a trend setter.
1:28:36 - An insight from our editor, Abi.
***
𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐑
All opinions are our own. We are not therapists or mental health professionals, or really professional of any kind. Please see your own professional or counselor for professional support. Do your research and be safe!
Intro Music: “Doja Dance” by PALA
#podcast #selfhelp #comedypodcast #bestfriends

Опубликовано:

1 июл 2024

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Комментарии : 64

@Paul_ABC Год назад

"this is so relatable" - Caroline, reading her own diary

@Not4EveryonePod Год назад

It’s just so compelling. 😅

@dinamycolors Год назад

My best friend (i'm an adult) of 14 years that I only see once a year came over and we both tried to "introduced each other" to Caroline and the pod. It was funny because she lives in Lebanon, I live in Turkey, and we both stumbled upon you at the same time. So yep, limit tested and passed!

@Not4EveryonePod Год назад

STOP IT🧡💜😢 please give her a hug and a spank from us immediately

@dinamycolors Год назад

@@Not4EveryonePod THANK ME AND SPANK ME

@XimenaJP1 Год назад

I've become a terrible friend to everyone I've ever been friends with... and I feel guilty about it but at the same time... I'm just living my life and I'm happy and if it's really hard to have to hunt them down and beg them to hang out I'd rather just be friendless at this point.

@Not4EveryonePod Год назад

It’s ok to live your life, and to also sometimes want to improve the system 🤷‍♀️we all are working on it 🧡

@loveshell6945 7 месяцев назад

How are you the bad friend if you have to beg them to hang out?

@lauraberkholtz7959 Год назад

Knitting or hiking groups are a great way to meet people when you don’t know anyone. What’s nice is that are repeated events with the same people and plenty of time to chat. Classes are tough because you aren’t usually able to talk.

@voicedbilabialtrill2514 Год назад

i have the same thing with the fluctuating opinion on my face! it's hugely dependent on how much sleep i've had the night before. also, i can have great day feeling almost delusional about how cute i look and then see a photo someone took of me and have all of that confidence do down the drain in no time

@victtayl Год назад

I’m sure I read somewhere that it is affected by menstrual cycle. Like when you’re ovulating your face just sits more attractively & is more glowy. Reproductive vibes

@MarionHoney Год назад

Not to brag (completely to brag) but the “Keeps me on my camel toes” five star review was, in fact, me.

@rhiannonNK Год назад

I had to recently “ break up” with a best friend of 30 years and it’s still heartbreaking but I had to do what was best for myself. I would love an episode on when to end a friendship and how.

@Keepinitreal55 Год назад

Same!! I had to break off a 15+ year relationship bc I felt like it was draining. I’m not proud of the way I did it. We didn’t have any sit down conversations, I just kind of cut her off cold turkey. I think that was a little mean, but also how are you going to approach talking about how you don’t want them in your life anymore. I feel like maybe cutting it off abruptly is best

@ck7506 10 месяцев назад

@@Keepinitreal55No it's not. You made it easy for yourself because you avoided a difficult conversation. Doesn't your friend deserve that? Telling the truth and ending it officially is the adult way to do this. Or the other person will wonder the rest of their life what the hell happened.

@Keepinitreal55 10 месяцев назад

it didn't go from great relationship to nothing. We had our problems in between, where there was a lot of back and forth, email conversations etc. So she knew, and the relationship just became too exhausting to continue. There's the option of phasing someone out slow, but I just didn't have the energy or the desire to do that.@@ck7506

@savanahmuses Год назад

You guys, Caroline's list at the end -- those are really profoundly insightful, in the sense that, if you have to ask yourself those questions, you've really experienced some degree of abuse. So maybe those sound like obvious criteria to Jess, but as someone who has had codependent family relationships and romantic relationships -- lemme say -- you do need to ask yourself those questions. Because the thing is, we have (for so many layered and complex reasons) normalized loving and caring for people like that. We are like the best of the best, at loving people who are shitty to us. And we just endure, for crazy indiscernible reasons. So, for anyone who was identifying with that, I'll tell you what I told a friend who was in an abusive marriage (after finally conquering my own similar circumstances): I know you *can* endure this, but you really don't have to. -- Self-respect is contained in the decisions you make, not in the words you say to try to convince someone to treat you well. -- love y'all. Xoxo.

@alyciagibson 2 месяца назад

💯

@conversationswithkristyand3492 Год назад

I just want you two to know that no detail you discuss is irrelevant. I love, love, love everything about this podcast and the two of you!!!!

@Not4EveryonePod Год назад

This is going straight to my head so THANK YOU🧡

@jms9057 Год назад

Absolutely entertaining. I've never witnessed people overthinking friendship like this before!

@dakine4238 2 месяца назад

Currently in the process of listening to this episode and catching up with others. I really like the takes you both have on friendship. I've moved around a lot and some of my friendships have fallen apart and others I've realize just weren't solid friendships so I'm wondering if you have a show on the following or if you'd consider discussing the following: 1. How to deal with friends that may be envious/jealous because you are doing something they want but instead of being happy for you they are a bit strange and distant about it or just copy you or try to poach your other friends (this happened to me and it was bizarre) 2. When friends aren't there for you as you'd expect and fall short of expectations, how do you approach it or repair friendship or decide it's time to part ways 3. How to choose good friends and have quality friendships Sorry for the list but these are my current challenges and would love to hear how others have dealt with it. If someone knows if there are episodes on it please let me know the #. Currently on ep.25 trying to work my way through them.

@ChocolateSnowball 7 месяцев назад

Something i really wanted to add to your conversation on friendship and jealousy is that it is quite impacting behaviour, and if you love a person, allow others to love them too. It all surrounds your previous point of having different viewpoints to your friendship/ relationship. One friend feels they are closer than the other, and especially when there are attachment issues involved it can get really scary. Sometimes there just needs to be a little more perspective and understanding that you are friends with that person, you do not own them

@paintedinflame Год назад

I honestly hate podcasts but I listen to you two religiously! I’m not on Instagram so I haven’t been able to thank you for the validation and the conversations that make me feel seen and heard (really hard feeling to come by). Episode 4 had me hooked and I’ve been here ever since. Lots of love 💜🧡

@kristyrowe9221 Год назад

Deep but true list!!!

@sweatpantgardener Год назад

Dang you sweet ladies, I always prefer audio medium and had listened to all your podcasts via spotify, but now you have videos with more content and I have to watch it here to! Sheesh, so much work.....haha worth it for you gals your views keep me sane and grounded and remind me I'm not alone...I just don't EVER leave my house and do events with people to meet any one :) Thanks for the tips folks will try to implement some, see ya next episode

@tnic3255 8 месяцев назад

Hi ladies--great podcast, I am older and this is an issue as you get older, as well. I agree that when you are in school, the shared environment makes it so much easier to maintain friends. (I read that the biggest predictor of whether you will become friends with someone isn't similar personalities or shared interests, but familiarity! I hope that if you eventually want to get married and have children, you are blessed to have the experience. The second wave of "easy" friendship making is when you have kids. You wouldn't believe how much you have in common with people you would never have anything in common with just b/c you are parents, esp. when your kids play together, go to school together, sports, etc. I'm on the downside of that and the "end of school" issue has hit me again. Saw this podcast and found it really helpful as I embark on the journey of making new friends (and rekindling old friendships) again. (I'm trying to teach my high school daughter that friendships have to be cultivated--so love Caroline's perspective on this!)

@mackysmacky Год назад

There’s this silly Hormone Horoscope app that I love because it tells you why whatever combo of rising or falling hormones during your cycle will cause you to feel attractive or not or homey or not. Helps me schedule social time for high estrogen times and I don’t beat myself up for the times I need to stay home.

@loveshell6945 7 месяцев назад

What is it called? Lol 😅

@sanne5412 5 месяцев назад

I like how her Orange nailpolish contrasts the purple Orange background

@kelliefinch 7 месяцев назад

I love Caroline’s sweater and Jess’ glasses. I need ‘em.

@dodis92 Год назад

As someone who wants to have children soon, the number one thing I'm scared to let go of are my once-a-week-ugly-day. Don't think you're allowed to watch TV all day in PJs with a baby

@trophybuckle3235 Год назад

You’re not 😬😆 I’m the same, and unlike you, it didn’t occur to me that my “fall apart time” would disappear when I became a mom, and I’ll admit: it was _really_ hard to cope with for the first 3-4 years when they needed me every second of the day. Of course, _wildly_ worth it, but still hard. Now they’re 9.5 and 11 yrs old, and they join me on the couch in their pjs and hang with me on those days 🖤 If you can, try building your momming around the things you know you’ll need: get a babysitter one day a week as soon as you’re comfortable with it, have a mommy’s helper come over and entertain Little so you can stare at the wall, find a semi-weekly preschool so you can have a bit of breathing room. I find that accepting the reality of your needs ahead of time, and planning for them, makes all the difference in the WORLD. And, if your needs are met, you’re a better mom for your little one.

@GenXHeart Год назад

@@trophybuckle3235 Amazing advice! And I'm going to quietly confess two "horrible" things I did out of desperation that i would do again. The first was I taught the kids that sometimes Mommy needs a time out too. 10 Min of peace to gather herself in another room then she would be able to come out with a better attitude. Because sometimes I was overwhelmed and just needed get some tears out or to count my blessings for a minute. The second ( this is the bad one) So you know how we culturally lie to our kids? Tooth Fairy, Santa, Elves, Leprechauns? Well I said the President passed a LAW, all Mommies have to be "Off duty" by 8PM so the kids had to have all the drinks, stories, extra trips to the potty, extra tooth bushings.... all the stalls had to be done by 8. Because, you know, the law is the law... and to tell you the truth back in those days Mommy was passed out by 8:30. My kids are now 19 & 20. They are pretty cool humans. I'm happy to report, no damage done. LOL

@jules194 Год назад

@@GenXHeart I think that sounds like great way of parenting! Sounds super healthy, for you and the kids- and even better, I bet explaining that you needed to take a moment to regulate your emotions/response gave them the opportunity to develop a healthy communication style and a good way to cope with tough feelings! That's really awesome, good job 😊

@imowtoomuchgrass8445 6 месяцев назад

Oh my gosh. I know this is an old podcast, so this probably won't be seen, but YES. CUP STACKING is actually a real olympic sport. One of my closest friends in college has several family members on the US team. One even held a world record.

@Meta.Empress Месяц назад

Jess "having a time" I equate to Jess "having the zoomies" 😂

@kelliefinch 7 месяцев назад

Also, you guys just came out with merch aaannnddd I don’t see any having a time merch.

@keishapearson7221 Год назад

I would really like to hear the rest of Caroline's list

@TheJessBrackin Год назад

Did anyone catch Caroline's RU-vidr friend shout-out? Was going to check her out

@MitelefonoRoman 6 месяцев назад

Your list made perfect sense to me I am a Clinical therapist who seems to attract Cluster B personality disorder. Partners. These personality types are EXTREMELY TOXIC IN EVERY WAY. Do more research and talk to your viewers about how to avoid them. Again Cluster B = Antisocial , Narcisists,Borderlines. Three worst to be in any type of relationships

@lindsaymorrison7519 Год назад

So good! 💯 true about feeling delusionally hot one day and hideous the next. I'm pretty good about putting myself out there in terms of befriending people slowly and making myself go to hangouts that aren't actually that energizing at first, but I'm stuck in a weird situation now. I have 2 really good friends who i want to soend more time with, but they almost always want to hang out with this other person (who happens to be single like me, so we're often stuck together if these 2 friends bring their boyfriends along). I have no problem being a third or even fifth wheel. That's my life. But being stuck with someone i have tried to find things in common with FOR TWO YEARS and cannot is exhausting. I wish i had a poker face, but i don't. When this person talks about stuff i find boring, it's very obvious. I do not want to make them feel bad or like i hate them, (I don't. I just don't adore them.) but there it feels like there is NO kind way for me to admit that we just don't vibe to them or to our mutual friends. Any advice internet strangers?

@ilikepeasandtoast Год назад

Maybe you could try inviting someone new to the group, to change the dynamic? You could also organise things with the two friends which you know they won't automatically invite their partners to. Or try to change the environment and meet in a different context. And remember you don't have to stay in a situation. If you are going to do something and you know that boyfriends and the person you don't click with are going to be there, you could try and organise a catch-up or run an errand beforehand with one of the friends you really do like so you still get to spend some quality time with them.

@Keepinitreal55 Год назад

How about when your best friend doesn’t make enough time for you. She’s really my closest friend and our entire relationship lately has been just texting. I love her, and I don’t want us to drift apart. But I’m finding that she’s just not putting the effort in to spend time together. I get it she has more kids, I just have 1, but I feel like she could definitely find the time if she prioritized our friendship. And I know that she values me, but I find myself growing more impatient and irritable about it. When I say rare, I mean we see each other once or twice a year, even though we live in the same town.

@jms9057 Год назад

I am truly not trying to be ugly, here, but....this sounds very one-sided and a bit...needy. It also sounds like she's your best friend, but perhaps you're not hers. That can be painful to face, but it might be worth just letting it drift and letting go. Some of my longest friendships are those where we hold on very loosely, and in some seasons of life we're in heavy communication, while in others we don't hear from each other much. It's the being able to pick up where we left off that is so valuable to both of us - the last thing I need is a 'friend' that's going to make me feel guilty for living my life.

@bonne_vie Год назад

It is really painful to lose a best friend but you should try putting your efforts into other people. One-sided friendships aren't great. Try and accept the form your friendship has taken. She may just be a text and see a couple times a year friend now. Put your energy into seeing people that will put energy into seeing you. I'm sorry, it does hurt when a situation you loved changes.

@Keepinitreal55 Год назад

@@bonne_vie yeah I get that. But the thing is she’s actually very needy of me and my time. Any time she needs some advice, she comes to me first. So I’m kind of annoyed that when she needs me she finds me, but never finds time to spend quality time together. It isn’t easy to make close friends in your 30s though

@Keepinitreal55 Год назад

@@jms9057 it’s not like that. I have my life and I’m usually busy too, I’m not a high maintenance friend. But she relies on me for many decisions in life. Any time she needs advice I’m the first one she texts for every little thing. But she sucks at her time organization, and doesn’t seem to prioritize our physical time together. Once a year for a “best friend” is kind of insulting. It’s one of those things where you assume your closest friend will always be there, just like family, and you don’t prioritize time for them first.

@lydiab6063 11 месяцев назад

This happens. It is so hard.

@gabilesch1083 Год назад

Re the beginning of the pod: You guys are doing just fine and we’re loving you - keep going!!! This is the crux where you keep pushing or you get so self-critical that you quit. Which do you want to be hindsight 20/20?

@Not4EveryonePod Год назад

Definitely not quitting this one 🧡💜we love doing it too much.

@gabilesch1083 Год назад

Whew!!!

@luckyone8730 Год назад

Is there gonna be a new episode today? Anyone?😢

@mackydeebs6345 Год назад

can i borrow this list cause its to relatable and I need it and some advice lololol ok bye love yous.

@mackydeebs6345 Год назад

i think the list is funny because its like humor as a defence mechanism LOL oops

@anastaciakagoura4032 Год назад

Gashlighting in friendships ? Oh shit It fucks you up

@brianna.pichardo Год назад

Reminds me of “the way you talk to AI on the phone is the real you” 😂

@amberpixie8550 6 месяцев назад

I have dead light eyebrows n ppl used to say do you even have eyebrows 🤣

@simsnoob1 16 дней назад

Do you have adhd Caroline? because maybe it's the object permanence thing of where you actually forget to check in with friends if they're not physically in front of you, maybe that's why you need to write it down. I relate to the isolation you spoke about and I think I'm afraid of rejection as I was bullied as a teen. I think the majority of my friends have ended up having adhd or autism and I suspect I'm neurodivergent and I think this also contributes to not "gelling" with so many people. I have moved so much that now I feel like just having energy and emotional capacity to make new friends but it's my fault for living in four countires in 5 years...I have to make effort though because I used to just me mostly alone but now I'm lonely too. I'm kind of depressed about it so it's hard to change it but it's helpful to hear other people speak about it.

@simsnoob1 16 дней назад

also I'm sorry about your emotionally abusive relationship jjust finished the podcast, was right there with you at the time you wrote that list, well actually that's when it started for me... that relationship almost destroyed me, I am happy you are with someone nice now I hope you have been able to rebuild yourself it's not easy