Therapist Reacts to Couples Trying to Save Their Relationships 

I like that. Every time I would bring up issues with my roommate she would just incessantly apologize and it would always piss me off. I don’t want to hear apologies I want to see behavioral change.

⁠​⁠@@plutoporn one, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink. You can’t control a person if they’re not willing to change for you nor anyone. Unless you try a different approach in communication. Have the patience or move out

Story of my life mate lol

I interpreted this a different way than the other people I see replying, but agree with those points and still really liked the quote you wrote because it had me reflecting on a past experience: it clicked and validated for me that when a past ex was contacting me and talking about things he claimed were in response to him going to therapy, the main thing he seemed to be doing was pressuring me and guilting me into apologizing for things. He did this by saying it like it was my turn after he basically said, i forgive you because my therapist explained how your past trauma may have led to your behaviors in harming me; meanwhile, he was abusive to me and none of that was touched on in absolutely anything he said in the conversation. And I kept responding to him with the sentiment that "I can't give you anything right now". But he kept pushing and basically guilting me for not apologizing to him or forgiving him. But if I were to do that, that would have just been fake, because there were other things he was still doing like talking to a friend behind my back and making me look like the bad guy but also using her to get information about me under the guise of concern. And I only found that out through him because he let it slip in the way he was speaking about events. it was all fucked, to keep it short, the quote made me realize he was faking his care and was approaching me in a massively unhealthy way and I didn't/don't deserve to feel guilty for how I was feeling and responding in that instance, for not apologizing and forgiving like he seemed to think he was wildly owed and deserving of.

​@teresadunn903 That's such a good point, and I'm sorry you had to experience that. It's so important for people to realize that they can apologize and request forgiveness, but they can't expect forgiveness. Not everyone "moves on" at the same pace and trust isn't easily rebuilt. I know several people who will take the mindset of "well, I apologized, so why haven't they gotten over it yet?" In the end, that's selfish, self-serving behavior. It makes it seem like they just apologized to speed up the process or to assuage their own guilt, not because they're actually committed to making change.

I bawled 😭 I hope they can be happy, together or separate

Me too! I thought it was just me and I was wondering why that effected me so much!😊

Not me. I saw it as manipulative. Make her feel good, so she will stop pushing. She was asked a question and deflected by tossing out a compliment. I first noticed this tactic in my work environment. I would have to address poor performance and suddenly the compliments would start flowing. Comments inserted about my teeth, hair, outfit etc. I know I am fabulous, so they aren't telling me anything I don't already know. However, for someone who is not attractive, by traditional beauty standards, a statement like this can redirect the conversation. Maybe I am pessimistic AF but that is what I saw.

@ineedhoez a sad but valid perspective....but maybe this possiblity is offset by the fact that the one on the left took initiative to describe why she prevents the relationship from working -- in that case the one on the right could just let Left speak and carry the blame - though it's true that Right neither clearly & utterly confirmed nor denied those self deprecations... yeah, i can see how that could be a deflection. i just hope you're wrong and that Right just heard someone she loves taking themselves down and stepped in with imperfect wording to counteract the sadness with love & praise... but who knows... maybe she knew it would sound good to the ears of her ex and their audience.

Same bro

Yea because it was their own inner turmoil that ruined the relationship and not really each other. It’s really sad.

The anxious attachment is very strong.

Love ain’t enough! Period!

She's been on a lot of different videos. She's great, super clear and empathetic

She has a RU-vid channel

Her youtube is stephanya and she has a lot of videos like this, it's amazing. She does these kind of deep dives for love is blind and they are fascinating @lindsaylarson4972

How would you recommend approaching a spouse that would refuse therapy, that is taking their partner for granted? Especially regarding division of labour, it all laying on the others hands, house work, childcare, finances, everything. And the spouse ignoring cries for help? Quite literally being told “I seriously need things to change, I need you to do more for me and with me”. Not being grateful as in Mother’s Day gifts, even handmade cards with their child, wanting to spend time with them just snuggling and watching a movie. They’re very much in love but it feels as though it’s becoming transactional and strained on one side, the spouse that’s lacking doesn’t notice it, except for the lowering of intimacy which comes from the amount of responsibility on the shoulders of the partner. Who’s constantly exhausted as a new mum.

I hope Healthline makes this as a series with you!

@stephanya My partner and I are the queer wlw couple and I wish you had a client list you were accepting because your guidance and objectivity is something we are needing to be guided to make choices that best support us individually to see if we can be together healthily. I wish the other couple had more videos because it’s nice (as nice as this experience can be) to see yourself mirrored when you feel alone in it.

I love Steph! The most insightful therapist I’ve listening to 🥹❤️

I need you as my therapist

I feel the same I'm sus of the one with the glasses but I like them

they both got glasses lol

@@AccordingToWillow lol

Polarizing isnt le mot juste its not the right word choice brah.

What's polarizing about them? I'm curious, because I didn't see that at all.

Boundaries are a good thing, even when it isn’t what we want to hear.

@Resi R same. After 30 years of trying, being misunderstood, and still trying because I misunderstood “signals” that “any normal person would recognize”.

​@@lauraw.7008 You sound like my ex. Just get a therapist

​@@lauraw.7008 Wait do you also use words that mean one thing but you use that word to convey something else?? That makes communicating more hard 😭😭

@@miracle-pi5ws Not saying the ex carries all the blame, just that their involvement with a substance interfered with their ability to be fully honest, and they believed there are black and white ways of understanding, along with telling me there was something wrong with me for not getting sarcasm, not understanding non-verbal nuance when words and body language don't match up because they wanted me to respond to their body language, not their words, and I'm somewhat body-language blind, and respond to words more. Oh, and I did get a therapist. And the ex is an ex. I was agreeing with Resi, and sharing a bit of me. Not asking for recommendation for therapy, or sympathy, or insults.

Same, was broken up with just before Christmas - and also just got off birth control recently that I had been on all this past year that dramatically impacted my energy levels, emotions, sense of self etc. And only recently have I felt like the hormones are finally out of my system and I feel like my old self and am trying my best not to dwell on the “what ifs” of if I had gotten off it sooner.

@@jas67angel the chaos that bc pills create is unreal! I hope you're doing well. It's hard not to get caught up on what ifs, but it only gets better from here - when you're feeling like yourself again you start to attract people who match your vibe.

Same here, and it had me in tears. We had a lot of things come up but I'd say the biggest was lack of communication. And so like there was a lot of things we didn't work on bc we didn't talk so each other didn't know. And it was so hard to hear all these things that I'm so willing to work on but I'm only hearing it when she's absolutely exhausted and doesn't have the energy for this right now.

Try to take her out and make her happy without talking about the problems for a few times at first

This is so insightful. I feel with abandonment issues it’s hard to fathom taking space is an option but it feels like a manifestation of the relationship ending.

Thanks, this improved my perspective

Damn “only” 😂. Gatdamn

Me too

Check out the other videos with him he is hilarious too.

Omg how did you get to that point I’m struggling with letting go and coparenting

me too

❤❤ cry it out with some friends. It helps. And don't forget to get back to yourself ❤

@@ESTMYNDA that’s all I’ve been doing is crying ☹️ I finally move out tomorrow from after a month of breaking up. That’s going to be real hard. I will love to give you guys a 3mo update

@@thewise2443 you've got this. One day at a time . ❤️❤️❤️

2 1/2 years here. Now we can submit to things that help us grow 🌳. I’m surprisingly feeling strong. He actually made it easy for me by letting me down for the last time! I’m calling my power back to me.

Aw thank you! Thanks to Healthline for this cool partnership. I have a channel as well!

@@StephAnya newly subbed! ^^

@@StephAnyasubscribed!!!!

Thanks, do you know where we can find all 30 questions?

Probably on the cut channel. ​@@xyzblackwomen

Doing God’s work, friend! Thank you!

We have several more coming soon!

it sounds like she just isn’t in love with him and doesn’t want to fall back into those roles again with him because he’s being way too emotional and loving with her when she says he never did that

​@@Iuxinterior that's called love bombing.

Steph Anya actually has a couple of videos on her channel that she does with her partner. They talk about insights and struggles they experienced throughout their relationship

Therapists have the same flaws and problems as everyone else. It's your job to be objective and expert in session. When you're 'off-duty', not so much 😉

👏🏽

My boyfriend does the same. I tell him that comfort,his comfort or mine, should not be more important than our trust and connection. The people we love should find a safe space in us, and when they don’t practice that, we feel shut out and unable to be there and comfort that person. It’s sad to cry alone but laugh together. We’re here for them.

Idk if that's supposed to be a positive story but I definitely didn't take it that way. 😕

@@that.ll_do_pig it depends on how you look at it. They both wanted the same thing but different ways on how to reach it. It’s sad but if they are happy now with their choices that’s all that matters

I get wanting that but sounds like that person isn’t capable of that. After all, if they were, the relationship wouldn’t have been tumultuous. You could try an exercise where you have a made up conversation with him in your head. When applied to parenting trauma it’s called “re parenting” and essentially you replay things in a way that would have been ideal to try to heal.

@@healinghashis thank you so much, i really needed to hear that. I'll practice this whenever i feel the urge to resolve my hurt

I’m so sorry to hear that. I can understand the want for closure. I think one thing that has helped me is to focus on yourself, and what you learned from it - not why your partner did this, or treated you this way. I’m not saying this to minimize what you went through - quite the opposite. You have gone through enough, and deserve to reserve your energy for yourself, your present and future self. Your past self did the best she could and tried to give the best of herself, in good faith. We may never know why others do things, and that’s okay. You don’t need their explanation - you are enough. Look up radical acceptance. It helps me to let go of the suffering whenever I feel bad about the past.

Narcs will never be honest

Therapists are very well versed on narcissistic personality disorder. Unfortunately many of us have experience people who are awful but would not meet criteria and many people use this term incorrectly when we adopt therapy speak

Narcissistic personality disorder is not that common. Therapists know exactly how to spot it. The problem is the term “narcissism” is over-/mis-used. It’s commonly used to label what’s actually just emotional immaturity.

I hope you find a way to do what is best for you ❤️

would u say counseling like this would help?

@@c0smecc like the TV show? Definitely not. She's also got some other mental health issues so there's no way that would work. We have tried counseling,, but it never works out. I can't imagine being able to have such a health conversation 😅

😭

When I heard that, I said "oop" 👀

It could help close some questions and process your emotions to it's final

I get this