Therapist Reacts to Couples' Thoughts on Cheating 

Amen

I would say that you need to have a strong spine ( reference to riddick) to leave the relationship when your partner cheats. I've been there before, and I had little to no confidence in myself, no family near me, and with a strong need of attention. So I stayed. I was resentful, but the attention I had was enough at that moment for me ( and I'm somewhat glad I didn't end that relationship at that moment because she was there when I lost my dad, and she was one of the reasons why I'm still here to write that comment). But at the end of the day, I did realise that I'm more that enough, that women find me attractive, and I don't have to suffer in a relationship.

It really depends on what people value in relationships, what respect looks like to them, and last, but not least, how bad the cheating was. I can only speak from my experience, but I've been cheated on in past relationships and I didn't take it as the ultimate betrayal. I've also been in relationships with people who never cheated but hurt me in different ways. My self-esteem and mental well-being were affected far more by a partner who wouldn't take the time to listen to how I felt, or what my challenges were, than by someone who, at some random point in time, got wasted and hooked up with a stranger. I'm very much aware that not everybody thinks like this but, and I'm not saying I would be jumping for joy if I'm cheated on BUT as long as your partner isn't publicly making a fool of you with the cheating and/or isn't practicing safe s*x and risking your health in the process... ehhh.. there are worse things a relationship can face. Again, I feel like I need to make this clear: I'm referring to whoopsie, one-off kind of cheating, not "I've been having an affair for the past 15 years and I have 2 children you didn't know about" kind of cheating.

To each their own! @@anamakesthings

That’s your opinion. Ppl aren’t perfect. Ppl make mistakes and ppl can work through infidelity.

Wow that’s crazy I have this going on too

My most recent relationship just ended because of kids. She was always on the fence, I wanted them and I was hoping that with time she’d decide to want kids, since the relationship was healthy and we did make a great team. Well she finally decided and it was no kids. I tried everything to make it work as well, suggesting adoption, or surrogacy. But she was pretty adamant. Talked it over for about 6 more months and she didn’t see herself changing her mind anytime soon, so we decided to end it…for both our future happiness. It’s been 4 months and probably the most painful one I’ve had.

@Day Exactly this! It's such a common misconception that people, no matter who, will be happy once they become a parent. Children will make someone who want them happy but they will make someone who didn't want them miserable. You can't "convince" someone who didn't want children to want them, period. (Not saying the person above did this but I think it's common for people who want children to not understand this. I really hope you both find happiness with people who want the same thing as you

Even if she goes through with having kids, she'll either resent him or their kids will be able to tell and resent them both

Look i love my babyson but the circumstances in which he was born were nor ideal me and my ex were very volatile the baby was not planned and she has told me in arguments she regrets having a baby with me. So yeh like the therapist says be on the same page love and hope will not save you!!!

@Day There are plenty of kids in foster care who have been done dirty by or have dead biological parents. Not everyone wants to seek their birth parents out. Mine are alive and I've never met and never will meet them.

@AbsentDayAbsolutely. I think adoption needs to focus on the care of kids who may not be looking for a mom/dad per se, but security and consistency. Adoption should have a bigger emphasis on helping and caring because you can/want/and are in the position to do so, not just wanting a child because it fits into the life you pictured for yourself. It’s something that I think a lot of potential parents don’t like to consider since the implication can be that they’re selfish, even though all it means is there’s a ton of nuance to “alternative” parenting routes, specifically adoption. Just my two cents. I think, like you said, adoption is a trickier choice than people think.

I see that this is a complex issue, but honestly, I'm so glad that there is the option of adoption. I'm very concerned that I might not be able to have a baby because of health issues, so the sheer option of adoption is such a huge relief for me. I could imagine adopting a child even though I already have children of my own, but being able to do that if I can't have a family of my own takes away so much pressure for me, because I know both my partner and I want a family. I would still feel bad if I would be infertile, but it's so good to know, that there isn't only one way to have a family. Edit: I realise this is a very selfish kind of view, because I was just talking from a parent perspective, not a child perspective. But I agree with the original comment, the feelings in play are completely valid.

I’m sorry if it’s hurtful but people have legitimate reasons for not wanting to adopt and I’m sure you’d agree that people who have that mental emotional response to the prospect of adoption probably should refrain from doing so.

no one is wrong for not wanting to adopt a child. if at any point in consideration, you are having serious doubts about adoption, don't adopt. it's better for everyone that way. imagine if someone was trying to pressure you into a relationship that deep down inside, you didn't truly want.... it doesn't matter why you don't want it, the fact that you don't want it is valid on its own

This is exactly why people should have at least one helpful professional in their lives to vent to and talk to. Because even the people in your life that love you and want to help don't actually know how to unless they educate themselves. I think once we learn how to actually be there for ourselves We can learn how to be there 4 others better❤

i noticed it too!

Exactly 💯 As a formal medical professional, I have seen and had my own fertility issues throughout the years and it helped to hear someone say "hope" rather than "it should". The last thing you want to do is imply that someone is intentionally broken and thus in need of repair or worse....

Agree!!

WELL SAID.

Thank social media for that one! There's too many options and there's this constant voice that says, "The grass is greener on the other side." Nobody needs to fight to make things work anymore because they know they have options. And yet they forget that greenery still needs to be mowed. Just up and leaving doesn't always solve the problem especially if it's you.

Got with this girl with a boyfriend. Her best friend was giving him so much crap for cheating on her. She stayed with him during and after our time together, and her best friend had nothing to say about that. 😂

I mean I probably wouldn’t tell my friend if they were being cheated on

Yes, i feel the exact same way. I'm not the person that couldn't forgive cheating, but because of who my partner is and his absolute disgust towards even the notion of emotionally cheating let alone physical one. If he ever cheated, I would know he didnt love me anymore

ego

Agree!

I was shocked too, as my Gen Z circles certainly wouldn't tolerate that kind of betrayl. I do wonder if this particular group was an outlier.

I get the vibe that they’ve cheated on each other

Since I began working in mental health, I’m surprised at how many poly relationships there are in addition to cheating. For some cheating seems to be as easy as ordering a cheeseburger lol

It’s never been a dealbreaker for most. It’s always been ok to cheat as long as it’s the man lol hence many outside children and families on the other side of town. It’s more of a dealbreaker now than it’s ever been and that’s definitely changing the landscape of what’s acceptable in a relationship.

You’re amazing! You give very good insight! Do you give virtual therapy sessions?

@@krysiacruz23: therapist can only have patients in the state(s) they are licensed in. Look her up for find her practice and see if she is licensed in the same state and accepting new clients.

One thing I’ve been trying to figure out recently based off of my past relationships is that I can get really bored after the “honeymoon phase” and end up losing feelings but then in almost every situation get back together with them and the process just repeats

with a parent that resents you for all the sacrifices they had to make because you were born

THAT PART

Love this❤️

There's an enlightening interview with a divorce lawyer mentioning soulmates. Completely recommend. You can RU-vid search it.

I'm so sorry that's happened to you. People who seek online relationships while in relationships are messing with multiple people's emotions, seeking validation, and are not ready or deserving of your love.

I feel your pain 😢

Ever hear of surrogates? Donor eggs? Could you not do that? If not, that's really sad.

@@Alex-fl9jthe said he knows of all the options they probably just don’t want to do that .

Achievements like yours don't get enough appreciation. It's lovely you and your partner were able to openly and thoroughly evaluate your options, strengthening your bond where other's would have broken. Although it was painful, you should be proud of yourself. I wish you two a lifetime of happiness in spite of your struggles.

@@birb7353 Aww that was very sweet of you to write. Thank you. :)

im going through the same thing. i only hope that my future partner will be open enough to discuss. but theres always possibility that one of us would resent the other if we couldnt be on the same page

No one ever feels “ready” to be a parent. I’d be concerned if the thought wasn’t at least a little anxiety inducing!

If you're fluctuating on a decision, treat it as a 'no'. Wait until you are 100% on board with the idea and never let it be contingent upon *if* your partner wants kids.

​@@Missteree87Yeah but like what if you're a little older and your biological clock is ticking? My partner and I have that in the back of our minds. At the moment, we certainly aren't ready financially or mentally to have children but as I'm a bit older than many who have their first kids I'm conscientious of the fact that if we don't get to that space soon we may not be able to have any or at least we'll greatly increase our chances of miscarriage or severe birth defects. It may just come to pass that we "miss the boat" so to speak, at least with having biological kids. Which is a little sad but we still have the option of adoption later in life since we are getting married at a later age.

I would say that if your mindset towards having kids mostly positive then consider going for it. Even a dream job still has days where you don't want to do it or you wish you could be doing something else that morning.

Did your partner want the same?

@@m.wagner4258 obviously yes. I would never force anyone to do or not do something.

@Day thanks! yes, his decision

Damn I wish my partner had the same mindset as you. He “cheated” multiple times (texting many and met one girl) and hid it for months. When I found out and confronted him all the sudden it’s “WELL I TOLD YOU I WAS POLY DIDNT I??” Most traumatic time I’ve been gaslit before. :/

@@KaitlynMcCaryyeah thats an excuse

same here

i dont know the context why they chose what they chose, but i would say agree too. not bc cheating is fun, never cheated on someone but i got cheated on twice. the reason why i would say agree bc i want to rebuild my relationship with that person but if i dont see the other person doing the same thing after that happens, i would just go. the context is important. no one would like to get cheated on, even if it didnt matter much to them

@@cathlinivana I respectfully disagree. There is no rebuilding when trust has been broken and the person stepped out of the relationship. I personally will never be able to trust them agree bc cheating is terribly hurtful. Not to mention, bringing back STDs or risking outside pregnancy. There is no right context for cheating ever in my opinion.

@@lilyxo6914 that is fair enough. and i wasnt saying context to justify the cheating (for me its clearly not okay) but the context about how i respond and how i deal with infidelity. some people would just leave and that would be okay too. the way we are brought up and our personal views affect our decision making. no one is wrong or right here for leaving or not, but if i saw a pattern of cheating behaviors many times and i chose to stay that’d be my own fault.

@@cathlinivana thank you for sharing that

porn isn’t okay. You are activity getting of to someone who isn’t your partner and to me that’s so nasty

@@kaitlynispanickingatthedis3606I’m not sure if you read the comment properly, porn isn’t the problem. It’s the personal feelings on it. So you aren’t okay with it but that doesn’t mean you can condemn a whole industry on behalf of everyone else 🫶🏼

​@@Anya-nu3fj I mean alot of people have moral issues with the inability to prove that said porn is not only consensual at the time of filming but the distribution was and still is consensual with everyone involved. Anyone who morally disagrees with rape could hold that opinion and that has nothing to do with the emotional aspect but with the actual industry and the people who participate in it.

Porn also effects how you view the object/thing/person being sexualized. Even if you only watch so now and then, it's not possible to walk away from that without it having an effect on how you see people in the world (primarily women). Porn consumption doesn't exist in a vacuum.

@@Anya-nu3fj they also sell and steal women into sex slavery lol. it’s not just my moral beliefs . it’s safety of these poor women who deserve so much more

I think similarly. I believe that we can fall in love with multiple people (not at the same time, that's just messed up), but who you end up with depends on proximity and who you meet first. That's also why I believe there's never a point towards having the mindset of "the grass is greener", because we should be thankful when we even find one soulmate and need to focus on making each other happy. I feel like nowadays people are so focused on finding their soulmate that they hurt the person they love because they're too busy wondering if there's someone better out there for them.

If the Barbies are telling😢I had a lot of single moms being happy with new partners lol and of em got preg for her ex to not be happy with his new girl. 😂 For me I always wanted 2-3 two girls for sure

I love this comment 😂😂

From what I've read, the research shows that porn addiction is way more likely if you're from a religious background. I think it can be a symptom of sexual repression. I have a fetish I repressed for many years and when I first discovered erotica featuring my fetish, I felt very compulsive and like I couldn't stop reading even when I wanted to. As I accepted my fetish and stopped feeling ashamed of it, I found that over time I was reading erotica because I wanted to and not because I couldn't stop myself, and I didn't have as much trouble setting it aside if I needed to.

@ettinakitten5047 That would make sense. Sex is never talked about in most religions since it's considered sacred. The most you get is to storeyour desires for marriage, but considering the time gap between puberty and when most people get married, that's a really long time to suppress your curiosity.

Good reflection. I think that it is a fact of life that we are influenced by external sources of information like TV, movies, media, etc. A lot of times growing up we cling onto things we see in entertainment and they become ideals that guide our decisions and we aren’t even aware of it. When it comes to love, there’s the whole idea of fairy tale endings, that its all about finding ‘the one’ or that we even need a romantic partner to be happy or whole. So while I think yes, TV does influence our ideals on love, I don’t automatically think it’s detrimental. It’s great that you’re aware of where your notions of what love is, come from, and it’s up to you to place the meaning you want it to have on your life. Asking yourself, is this really what love is or is this just what I’ve been told by TV? If no, what does love truly mean to me then? If yes, am I okay with this, or does this hinder how love is expressed in my relationships? Because the truth is, we’re not blank slates. Our beliefs and values are shaped throughout childhood and when we’re that young we don’t really have a say in it. But when we get older, we get to look at those beliefs again, pick our battles and decide which ones we want to challenge and change, and which ones we can live with. Good luck ❤

@@hotsauce0606 i’m not the person whose comment you originally replied to, but thank you so much for your comment!! it’s really made me think & come to some very good conclusions :)

Yes I kinda agreed with you for a while I just kinda formed my preference on how many and what gender I preferred em but recently I did start to question if I truly don't want my own kids, will it be possible for me to reject opportunities to have them and settle with a partner or possibly end up lonely if most guys want partners who will make them kids. And my reasons to possibly not have kids is so I can have more time for me and my ideal partner. I'd get to know them more cuz some parents start to not take care of their partners as much like only being affectionate with the kids and not with their partner, asking the kids what they want to eat and rarely asking their partner to decide where the asker is paying or picking it up. Kids really rule in a way. You just have to adjust to them and can't really have the same lifestyle as before they are born. Waiting until later to have kids is appealing to me because you're only young for so long so may as well make these hard years for yourself to get to know yourself more as a person, achieve and learn while you are in "your prime", as soon as you have kids you will not get sleep and sleep deprivation wrecks you and ability to learn. You can spend extra years on accumulating money and therefore become a better providing parent. I would rather wait until the last minute than to be less prepared and have to sacrifice a lot more. And in the meantime I'm just going to practice abstinence or celibacy and be very careful about anyone I'm dating to make sure I've selected someone who will be a good father.

Children isn’t something I would say is a good idea to compromise on. Really dig into why you feel that way, and once you know, make your decision from there! That way if you’re ever in a position where you have to make the choice to continue with a pregnancy or not, you have already thought about what you want rationally.

It takes 2 seconds to delete the account and then delete the app…

@@amandamunhoz6325 I know right! Like the dude makes me feel guilty about having friedns. And no he doesn’t say don’t have friends he hints that people who have friends are fake because they have to have different personalities to have that many of friends

@@fanpage9165 sounds like he wants to isolate you. don’t lose connection with your friends. please be careful.

Girl, get out

@@fanpage9165If it's not already obvious to you, please run! Runaway as fast as you can!

What? You are making such a huge stretch - none of that is the topic of conversation. Btw, when you say out of pocket mess like this, it makes people wonder if you actually care about the subject since random comments like these are so incredibly unhelpful

@@herefortheshrimp1469 They suggested everyone to consume a product, I said the product isn't produced ethically, that's how it is relevant. If you endorse something, you stand by it, you can be called out for it. And I really wouldn't throw ad hominems around if I were you, but good luck nonetheless

@@magicalspacegiraffeYes thank you for your original post. More people need to call out the porn/sex industry. Some of the individuals in the videos are sex trafficking victims but people are unaware or don’t care to know/believe it can be so because people are selfish.

Not all porn is the same. A lot of the porn available nowadays isn't from the "porn industry", but from horny exhibitionists with camera equipment who produce and post their own content. Or might not even have any real people in it (eg cartoon/anime porn, porn using 3D animation models, etc). I think judging which porn was or wasn't ethically produced is an entirely separate discussion from whether or not you should watch porn at all.

@ettinakitten5047 would you buy and eat food from Target if there were no regulations, safety measures and no consequences against the food being poisoned? But when there's no system to ensure people used in porn where of age, mentally capable, not on drugs, not coerced, you're happy to roll the dice. And about the exhibitionists - what measures are there to ensure children aren't exposed to the content? Are there any consequences for sites like reddit that repost content behind paywall? None of that is accounted for, so no, you cannot discuss porn usage without naming the victims of it.

This doesn’t really make sense - yeah, it’s not healthy to force someone to want children. But if you want children, and your partner doesn’t, what good does it do to stay in that relationship until you start resenting that other person?

I agree. Especially because the next partner might not be able to have children.

Of course don’t force them but if you want kids the of course you would not stay with someone who doesn’t want them. Doesn’t make sense.

It's nice to see this perspective. I've been told a lot that my relationship wasn't going to work because of this. When my fiancé and I first got together, I was upfront about not wanting kids and he said he had always wanted them. As we got more serious, I was very worried that he would leave because I didn't want them and he said "I was with someone previously who wanted kids and we still weren't able to have them. Why would I throw away someone I am so connected to and love so much to try and chase after something that was never a guarantee in life to begin with?"

@@Feliciations You can still foster or adopt. The issue is, if you are really set on having kids, there are always options that you can have, such as getting a sperm donor (if you're a female) and having them by yourself, fostering, adoption, or co-parenting with someone who has kids that aren't genetically related to you (e.g. a friend or a partner who has kids already). If your partner does not want kids, and will not let you co-parent, that is a huge and important part of your life that you are being made to throw away for the relationship. Some people will stay and be happy, but many will feel like their life was wasted - relationships aren't guaranteed to last forever either, so it's possible that in the future your partner will leave you, and by then you might be too old to have kids.