Having been involved with a DA recently, I can relate to virtually everything Thais said. What I watched happen is that the more you get involved with them, the more space they need. You can just see them ‘creating distance’. I’m secure and it’s totally the opposite of what I would do. I remember one time in particular, where we really bonded and she was truly emotionally turned on, then not too long after that, she totally checked out. As somebody once said, the really sad thing is that they disappear the better your relationship becomes. For me, I recognized the pattern early and diplomatically confronted her stating my needs. As I anticipated, she bailed. Truly sad that a decent person will likely spend the rest of her life in a vicious cycle. But, your first responsibility is to yourself. You can’t solve other people’s problems. You can bring the horse to the water, but you can’t make it drink.
Same 😊. He created distance, i brought it up nicely, had too intimate of a time, completely left with a few days. The whole relationship was really good, so the deactivation was a hard stop and never a single word again. Sorry that was your experience too.
You sure you are *actually* secure? Because as a DA myself, I only "need" space when the relationship is 100% focused on the emotional needs of my partner. I have a strong suspicion that you are much more codependent than you are willing to admit to yourself, and "going well" for you meant something that likely exceeded boundaries emotionally for even people with secure attachment style - even secure folks need space at times.
@@ShingiSamudzi Not hardly. Yes, I definitely need space myself - quite a bit actually. However, not week(s) of time...... I don't know anybody that is that busy.
Thank you for sharing that, but sorry you expierienced it. I'm just ghosted out of a friendship and reading what others have expierienced with avoidants really help me understand that nothing was wrong with my conception of the relationship and that we were actually close and it was actually meaningful - obviously they just panicked. It's sad and personally I still hope we get another chance, but as you say: It's on them to drink the water.
Thais is right that attachment styles are penetrating the popular discourse, but they’re not always discussed with as much nuance or perspective as she provides. Too often I see attachment theory used lazily, to pigeonhole people or assign superficial labels to them, without the intellectual rigor found in these videos. I’m saying this as a DA who winces when I read harsh or facile commentary on the subject online. So big thanks to PDS not only for teaching how deep seated and pervasive attachment is in all of our psychological make ups, but also for modeling what compassionate understanding looks like.
As an AP, I always thought some of the other commentaries on DAs were harsh, really great to hear DA's chime in and stand up for themselves. I love how Thais honors and respects each attachment style, each individual. ❤
I saw a TikTok where someone did a skit about attachment styles but it was done in a way where they grouped DA's with narcissists. I got so annoyed lol
1) escapism 2) avoid feelings 3) distraction as in #1 4) not knowing their needs, no emotional connection with parents or caregiver; no physical connection. 5) feel unsafe don't trust. 6) I am not enough 7) flight into fantasy ( fantasy person is perfect) 8) hate conflict 9) my partner should be available to me but I shouldn't have to compromise 10) at the extreme may receive diagnosis of Npd.
AP is the style mostly associated with NPD and narcissistic behaviour. There are multiple scientific studies. Makes sense, constant need for supply from others.
List doesn't reflect the video from Thais. Guess it's just your opinion. NPDs are diagnosed mainly with fearful avoidant attachment styles reflected in different scientific studies.
@@GeorgideMarnenot even close. APs tend to always blame themselves for everything and apologize constantly and think that they did somethingwrong. , something narcissists would never do.
This is super accurate. So painful. They must disclose at the beginning anf never promise a future with someone. They go around breaking hearts and my ex didnt even feel bad about it.
@@myspirit.divinecenter2980 I told the one I knew that he should come with a warning sign. I did ask him how many of his exes ended up in a mental institution. One year of hell on earth, that how I would describe my experience with the DA.
Exhausting. This dismissive-avoidant thing, seems very one sided. Disorganized here, but arent relationships sipposed to be mutual. Seems like it takes a lot of mental gymnastics and isolation to maintain a relationship with a da .
I was seeing someone I believe to be a dismissive avoidant for the past 3 months and I ended things a few days ago. I have never dated a man that made me feel so anxious and confused in my life. I couldn't tell if he liked me or not, it felt like he was playing mind games and whenever I tried to open up and express my feelings about us he would disappear for days and then pop up like nothing happened. I sent him a happy birthday voice note and he didn't even say thank you he just talked about work. When I pulled away he would text me asking me why I was so quiet. Fortunately we never slept together so it was easy for me to keep a clear head in whatever it was we were having. I really did like him but his energy was off and I had to let go. And now that I have stopped talking to him I feel so much happier. The anxiety and confusion is gone. Through this channel I discovered I am an AP but I have been fortunate enough to be with secure attached partners before. I think this kinda helped me realize this guy I was dating was not good for me.
Just went through this exactly same word for word. So sad it was 3 months and you see the pull away. If you try ask uts worse. He blocked me 8 weeks ago and reached out this week saying how busy he is. Very formal. Is it worth speaking anymore.
I really gained a lot of awareness through this channel. I ended things with my partner around 2 weeks ago. I felt us getting closer and closer, but I really felt uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to deal with those feelings and I pushed her away, saying that I knew where I was at emotionally and I would feel terrible for her to continue things with me. I did neglect her emotional needs for the sake of peace. We had frequent conflicts which didn’t make me feel safe. I felt really misunderstood. She did her best to try understand me, but I didn’t try as much. I just avoided everything. I was coming to realise that and knew that I had work to do. I do admit, the way I had broken things off was very cold. I wasn’t mean to her in a way, I think. It was just very sudden. I admitted that I was flawed and wasn’t giving her a love that she deserved. She had said that she didn’t care that I was flawed. She didn’t care that I wasn’t the man I wanted to be. She said she wasn’t the woman she wanted to be. But I didn’t listen. I also brought up the conversation of faith/religion since we do not share the same beliefs. But I do realise that that was a means to push her away. I realise how selfish I really was. Dealing with all the emotions felt extremely overwhelming and I felt I needed the space. But what about what she was feeling? I needed to be able to hold space for her feelings as well. She is truly a remarkable person, I’ve honestly never met anyone like her. She seems to be okay with me right now through our interactions. I never realised that this was me. I don’t want to lose her in my life, even if she is just my friend. I’ve never connected with anyone like that before and I never want to lose that. I really do need to heal. I can’t keep hurting and pushing away the people that try to love me. I push away the love that I crave. I want to be better for those around me. I’m glad I’m realizing this as a young person.
Thais, this is by far the best content you have provided on the dismissive avoidant. You have described my ex wife to the letter in this short video. I had so much anger towards her in the beginning when she filed for divorce without even talking to me first, but after watching your videos on the dismissive avoidant I now only feel pity for her because she has no idea that she has an avoidant attachment style. You have helped me tremendously and I am grateful to you ❤ 🙏 because now I can move on in peace without the need for closure and understanding from her perspective. Keep providing content. I will certainly be watching.
It's tough to become self-aware but thank you Thais for your videos, because I am learning more about being a DA and how I can be a better wife and parent in spite of that being my attachment style (which I know is supposed to be kind of the worst one from comments on DA vids). The core wound of shame/being defective is 100% and it's caused me many problems in my 15-year marriage when I've misinterpreted things as criticism or an argument when they weren't meant that way, but I was so on guard all the time. I've had to learn to bring my wall down and allow myself to feel intimacy and vulnerability and not pull back and disconnect and detach, which seems to be my default with people, even my own family. I've had to learn how to be a better communicator, that's been such a huge thing. It's a long and tough process to reprogram and undo all of these things but I'm trying. Again, your videos are so helpful.
Major props to you for realizing you had the power to change and actually making an effort. I do believe DA's who go through that are the most impressive of all of us, because it seems to be an extremely hard pattern to awaken from.
Very similar boat here. 10.5yrs married.... It's been mostly a disconnected relationship the whole time.... I feel so stuck... I don't know what I want.... I can't imagine a connected relationship (that seems overwhelming and hard).... But I need it to be a little better....any tips on where to start?.... I don't have any money.... But ideally, take a communication class? I know my communication sucks. I wrote him two long emails the other day (as we had a fight on Nov 8 and I was trying to explain my side a little better).... Ugh... I resonate so much with what thais said at the beginning of the video... I'm playing the 'game' in such a different way. I mean who emails their spouse instead of just taking directly.....anywhoz, I rly should b single.... (I think I'm a little better at being more emotionally available with my kids at least these days)....
@@giveme24hrs72 Communication has to be the biggest part, in my opinion. My husband would often ask me, when he would notice me pushing away and getting distant "What do you need from me?" And I never seemed to have a good answer, because most of the time, I didn't even know for myself what I really needed to help us have a better, closer, more satisfying marriage. I had to start figuring that kind of thing out. It took time. Months. When I did, I could talk to him about it and he was always very happy to help me out, or make the adjustment or whatever it was. It really came down to not resisting having conversations that we have built up in our own heads as difficult. Or being afraid of criticism or rejection. He would want to talk and I would busy myself with anything else because I wanted to resist talking but that would make him feel rejected, not listened to, etc. etc. and when I finally realized -- all these years of my doing that -- my not stopping to really hear him out and just immediately jump to being defensive instead -- it hit me like a ton of bricks just how terrible it would be to cope with that. And I made a point to try harder to listen better, not be defensive and express my needs better. You can do it. It takes time, it really does. Be mindful of when you're slipping into those coping behaviors or 'DA" traits. I hope that you can smooth things over with your hubby. Keep watching these videos. Read books on communicating, you can find free ones as Audiobooks on youtube even. It can get better :) Marriages are hard work, don't give up.
How beautiful to read a comment from a DA who is becoming so self aware and willing to do the work for themselves and for the sake of others. Thank you and really best wishes in your growth!!
At least you are listening. That quite something! I bought an annual membership to the PDS for the DA as he said he was willing to work on himself. 11 months on, he never looked at one video.
@@katalinmcewan it sounds like you used the wrong approach. Bearing in mind that I didn’t not personality witness any of your interactions, from a DA’s perspective you essentially have passively aggressively said “there’s something wrong with you. Fix it.” That pushes on a lot of major triggers that Thais mentioned: experiencing criticism, feeling defective, taking away power, and activated their AVOIDANT tendencies. I’m not surprised they haven’t started the course because that what avoidant people do, avoid. You have to help a DA feel like it was their decision and their choice so they feel the confidence to go through with it.
Nothing better than having someone tell you or passively aggressively insinuate you need to fix yourself to make someone else happy. That’s an immediate no from me. I don’t blame him for not participating in PDS if that’s how he was approached.
I’m glad you are listening! I’d give anything for my Ex to actually acknowledge it. I would have gladly worked with her through it to make things work.
As someone who has tried multiple times to gently explain to others why I need space or am acting in a certain way- I can tell you that most take it personal and do not understand the explanation in a mature and healthy way. They will get offended or defensive. Therefore, it has become the natural response to avoid the explanation entirely or open up and be vulnerable about why I do certain things when most will not receive it with full understanding. Avoidance and withdrawing may seem like a cop-out but is a learned protective response for those who have consistent experience with people who get emotional, dramatic, and upset when you try to explain. It’s exhausting trying to do the right thing in open communication and then deal with the backlash of others
That's because your need for space is stonewalling. There's a fine line, and DA's cross it. People get upset, because stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse. Shutting people out and emotional neglect is emotional abuse.
I’ve noticed that even when I explain my need for communication and conflict resolution gently to a DA, they continue to stonewall and avoid the conflict resolution even more. They will respond to threats to leave tho. I’ve learned as a FA to just give DAs exactly what they want. Time and space, forever. You can’t make someone want to put effort into a relationship. A lot of DAs are oblivious to their contribution to failed relationships.
@@Alixir1228 Depends entirely on the context. Occupying someone's breathing space and clinging 24/7 is invasive. It's like if you want to use the bathroom and the person follows you in there all the time. Feels like that. Controlling, overly jealous behavior, fault finding and spitefulness very likely from anxious people is also very hard to have to live with. Screaming in someone's face, slamming doors and causing fights can make someone stonewall too. Then that's self defense from the abuse. All depends on the context, and there are anxious and FA att style people who totally cross the line and get abusive too. So many DA's are they way they are because of abuse by the other att styles as well as from narcs, which is a separate thing altogether but can be with any of the insecure att styles. So everyone insecure has something to work on.
This is such a detailed, comprehensive list it gives me confidence that I can identify DAs from a distance or in early interactions so that I never make the mistake of investing in relationships with them again. All power to the DAs on this channel working to heal. I look forward to meeting you once you become secure.
It’s very rare that DAs are actually willing to work on themselves. Most people watching Thai’s DA videos are the actual “victims” of the DAs. I’m SA and I s-ent the past year learning about attachment styles thank to an extreme DA. Not going anywhere near one ever again either!
@@katalinmcewan The people coming to this video are anxious, and think they don’t have any role to play in this dynamic. So it goes both ways. However, I’m a DA here trying to learn, and have been learning for years. APs and DAs are two sides of the same insecure coin.
@@Mistical1982 DA's can bring out anxiety that wasn't ever an issue for someone before, though, yk? It's hard to understand why someone would behave this way if you don't have this attachment style, and it's natural to project your own reasons onto the other person. Eg. If I treated someone this way it would be because I didn't like them. This person must not like me.
My bully/mother used to call me "dismissive," among other things, when I shut down during her tirades of abuse. I grey rocked her to avoid setting her off, and I avoided her as much as possible. Amazing insight from the bully herself😄 I am now extremely dissmissive avoidant with a side of fearful. Your videos are so helpful❤.
@@tequilabumbum4373 It took me five months to open up to my partner. She was rebounding from a six year relationship so I naturally felt the need to protect myself and feel safe. Two years on and shes crazy about me. I'm crazy about her but I just can't sum up the courage to tell her. I think alot of us guys struggle with vulnerability because of societal expectations. Even after two years she still asks me "what's bothering you" "What are you thinking". I know she's concerned and cares for me but I feel I don't have to share everything with her. I've prided myself over the years on dealing with my problems and challenges without any help.
As a DA I’ve learned from experience nobody is safe and the only person I can rely on is myself. I haven’t been proven wrong yet, but I’m sure it’s a matter of picking people who I relive my dumpster fire a childhood with in one way or another.
Gosh, you just lifted a whole layer of fog. I had NO idea my ex gf whom i truly loved was a DA. You’ve explained every mystery that I could never understand!!! Seems it’s too late now though. 🙏🏻
18 years with a DA, ghosted recently, now I am in no contact; conflict arose when I brought up my need for more communication. I also acknowledged to him that I recognize his giving of his time, gifts, and support is appreciated. I yearned for more, and I am so disappointed that all our years as friends and lovers is dust.
Ghosted after 18 years, seems unimaginably immature on his part if it was over you bringing up your need for more communication. How did you go that long without discussing this, must have been pretty painful
@yeahnahsweetas we have been in a long-distant relationship all these years, I travel for work, and he retired a few years ago. I schedule time for trips every 4-6 weeks, 4 to 5 days is enough for both of us. It has worked as long as I do not press the issue of communication. Most of the time, if I should press him, he retreats and then buys gifts, gifts, and more gifts. We talked 4 to 5 times daily, text messages throughout the day, keeping me informed of what he is doing, and I do the same. I actually enjoyed our way of life. I never lacked attention. He always said, "Love you, I miss you." I did the same. We were extremely intimate on every level. However, making eye contact and discussing feelings, well you know how that went.
@@joycejones5881 Sorry for your experience. I am myself AP in realtion woth DA i think. Found out about avoidant types just yesterday and it explains so much of unexplained things in my relation
Once DA/FA runs away, no matter how secure we are, we can’t go back to have a conversation with them. ( at least not at the moment) because Avoidant think you are chasing after them, therefore they expect you to always “initiate a conversation “ and the pattern is established. Therefore even though I see through avoidant behavior, I’m not engaging myself, I’m not giving them a gesture
Thanks for the video. As a dismissive avoidant now I get why I'm the way I'm. My parents are wonderful people, but growing up it was impossible to talk to them. Anytime I try to talk to them about anything they misunderstood me, or didnt help me at all. So since I was a child I learnt that I was alone with my problems. So I learn to lie or avoid talking to them about what I was going through as it was easier. Im a cool dude, but everytime I meet a new person I have this irrational fear that once they get to know me theyll find something wrong with me and leave. So I leave first.
I hate that you perfectly described my own upbringing as well, I was about to write something just like this lol. I hope in the 6 months since this comment, you’ve made progress. I’m off to start my journey now!
My mom who is 86 still has to sleep with the tv or the radio on. I am dating a DA who disappears into movies even if he has seen them multiple times. Also, he works a lot.
I think something that would be fairly common that I’ve never heard discussed here, is someone who is raised in an emotionally neglectful home, and has a DA relationship with parents, but an AP in romantic relationships, seeking love outside of the home to fill the emotional needs that were never met. I was raised in a home like this, and to this day, have a DA relationship with my parents, however, DA side of me is reserved for them- I was always AP in my romantic relationships, pursuing that “elusive love” that I thought would save me.
Wow... this totally describes me! That is an interesting dynamic and it's why I struggle to define myself as having any one attachment. The DA in me is definitely reserved for my parents as I grew up emotionally neglected and felt like an outsider in my home. Stayed out of the way and hyper vigilant to their moods and attitudes for safety
@@MrKyleb21 It's not really FA mechanics, I never switch from DA to AP within the same type of relationship. There's no swinging from one side to the other like FA's experience.
Within each attachment style there are a further 4 subcategories. People can also be secure or avoidant with family/parents, and quite insecure in romantic relationships or only with friendships. Which ever relationship type you struggle in with the most at the moment is the one I'd recommend working on to reprogram :) You can also take the attachment style quiz separately for each type of relationship. E.g. once for your relationship with your parents, once for romantic relationships, once for friendships, and one for coworkers. You can also try to narrow it down from looking at what your needs are, and what your core negative beliefs are.
Thais you mentioned that our adult romantic relationships replace the relationship with our caregivers. Can you talk a little bit about how sex can be a problem e.g. how we separate sex and romantic love. Why can a relationship be cuddly and very affectionate but not erotic
Something I have noticed is that the DA tends to feel misunderstood, and they believe this happens because they're very special, extremely intelligent, deep thinkers etc., but actually it's a product of really bad communication and social skills.
Right! And then that attitude makes me have the Narc vs DA convo. It's like they can't even see the bad communication and social skills and God forbid you point it out as something "we" could work on...
@@tranitataylor4284 so true! I just had a whole text exchange today with the guy I have been in a “situationship” with. Anything I suggest we could work on just gets met with hostility.
@@tranitataylor4284 Yes, they believe in zero effort with all their soul. As in, "a great relationship should never have conflict and should never need to be worked on, it should just exist and be great".
My ex DA has a chemistry PHD very brilliant but on the social emotional level he used to make me cry all the time and could not understand why or what he did.
Started watching your videos trying to figure out my partner… ended up realizing I’m the DA in the relationship (FA leaning). Now I don’t know how to feel cause I really miss him but also realize I might not be the best for him as I can be very hot & cold
Get saved! Call on Jesus and ask for a new life. It's a matter of.turning your heart to the Lord. God promises in the Bible to heal us and renew our minds.
@@danilaroche1156 He saved mine when I was a complete wreck. Nobody cares like He does!! I'm living proof He heals, I wouldn't be here now without Him!
9. Hit me like a ton of bricks. At 12pm we were happy and planning our date night, at 6pm completely lost all feelings for me, and was super resentful for the smallest inconsequential thing that had absolutely no bearing on the relationship at all. The fault finding was brutal! Like, sir, those are actually green flags that relationship coaches teach for healthy relationships 🫨. It actually had me thinking i was an anxious attacher. Months of therapy helped reaffirm that i had been secure and healthy the whole relationship. No one is going to be 100% perfect all the time, and that's ok. Yes it hurt being stonewalled for months for essentially doing everything right by the book. But i was able to get closure when i learned how toxic his baby mana really was and that they have a trauma bond neither of them really want to break. They should really just marry each other because at this point bc they don't want to see the other happy with anyone else. So glad i learned about avoidants so now i can avoid at all cost 🤗.
I've been with someone with a bipolar disorder and with a malicious covert narcissist, but neither one was super avoidant and despite other issues they were able to talk about emotions, but being with a dismissive avoidant was far far worse and actually destroyed all of my happiness and goodness inside. i broke up last night after 3 years to learn how to love myself again and how to enjoy life :(
Oh wow! It is so me to always have some kind of sound on! I fall asleep with the TV on, I always listen to podcasts. I can't do anything without a podcast on. Music has never done it for me, and now I know why: Music can trigger emotions. I rather listen to someone talk about sports or history or anything else I find interesting. It occupies my mind without much emotion. Thanks for this insight! I know I have a (dismissive) avoidant attachment style, but I never thought my 'not being able to do anything without a podcast on' was part of it. I always thought it was a symptom of ADD.
The element of neglecting and self-abandonment goes so deep. I always had a kind of addiction be it just binge TV watching . I am now once more at such crossroads due legal fights patient rights that i couldn't eat and sleep for weeks, so i force myself daily to face my feelings.like boxing, going for walks. It's so hard to sit with my feelings I could do anything but not this. But if you want to heal you just have to grieve and stand these bad feelings somehow if not they'll eat you. Weird thing is, I think I would die if I face them and then I feel more alive after that cause it's less pressing, less bad. So, fight your inner demons might be worth it 😊
#ThaisGibson Omgosh you nailed it for so many. I am not minimizing the seriousness of that military general saying everyone loves a good war. I am not dismissive! War just isn't that big a deal. This is all too stressful for me I need to take a break . I am not avoiding this discussion I just need some down time! 🤓💙❤
This has really helped me understand my former partner of 10 months I recently had to end our romantic relationship with. As someone with an anxious avoidant and codependent attachment I put myself through literally death over and over again. This relationship showed me all my core wounds. Unfortunately I was the only one who took responsibility for core wounding, self reflection and wanting to heal in order to create a healthy relationship to self and another. The work has to be mutual. When needs are not being expressed as DA, quickly there is lies like in my case. Better to separate out of love for both so that there is no self betrayal or any emotional abuse any longer. I am optimistic for our individual healing journeys and deeply trust that a healthy relationship is possible for everyone, we can become more aware and secure and are capable of attracting a partner who can support us consciously 🌻🧡
I can totally relate. The sad thing is, so very few DA's ever look for any kind of psychological self development. If they gave it a tenth of the effort they put into their sports/gym routine or their many other hobbies/escapisms...
@@TheCoffeeCat so true. A lot of times they loose themselves in addiction. Perfect for codependents like me. Let’s save ourselves first, and by choosing us we plant the seed in others
@@waheynaI’m DA, my wife is Anxious attachment. Any tips? I’m going to therapy and some books about my attachment style. Any tips that can be a great deal for me thank you.
@@armyoftwo13she needs a lot of reassurance, validation, and consistency. Although she needs to also heal from her abandonment issues most importantly.
I wish people were telepathic creatures (with the necessary switch off button when you don't want to share your thoughts or hear someone else's) but how easier would everything be if the other would know what you think and feel and you didn't have to say it... Selective mindreading, oh sweet wishful DA thinking...
This whole list is my ex. At first, I thought he might be FA. But after watching this, I think he's more DA. But he won't go to therapy, so I guess I'll never truly know. As an AP, by the end of it, he made me feel like I was asking for too much, which all I was asking for was for him to be present with me while we were on the phone and to let me know he made it home safely if he went out late. We were long-distance. I wasn't trying to keep tabs on him. I just wanted to know he was okay. He broke up with me just a few days ago saying he felt like he didn't give himself enough time to be single after his divorce. He said I had been a really great friend to him, which suggested to me that he never really saw me as more than that.
Your videos are really helpful. I didnt know my attachment was so influential over myself. I look back at when it was my attachment that led to certain actions. Makes sense.
15:08 true. if my FA could have said that, i never would have had a problem. instead, she'd usually shut down or get angry because i asked for a reason.
The guy I was in a situationship with would go ape s*#t if I wanted to talk to him on Sunday. He’d just completely shut himself off and if you called him he would be so angry.
Didn't realize there was a term for this. I always just described it as hyper independence and fear. I'm almost positive this is the root cause of why my ex left our relationship. He definitely had a lot of fear and pulled back several times at different points in our relationship. Its painful because I tried so hard to create a safe space for them to be vulnerable and connect together, but they definitely resisted and showed fear. It really hurts, to accept that these are things they have to work on for themselves. I hope he does eventually. Right now he's kept me blocked for almost 6 months
How did I even manage to say married to a DA for 24 years, especially being a FA or AA myself! 🙈🙈🙈 It's been rough on both of us but got really bad the last year. The more we went for therapy, the worse it got. He's taken time away from the relationship now so I think it's pretty much over.
I can go in my emotions and overcome walls from dissmissive behaviour easily, it’s like healthy behaviour. Only thing that bothers me is that if i should give something extra for the partner what i don’t necessarily have. She wants something from me what i dont exceed to exist in the own mind. It makes me fearful if the partner thinks that i wont care at all and i’m just faking it all. Just the emotionality doesn’t have force from my patterns even being as type from emotion like now for instance. Also writing this make it super fearful from the outcome.
I'm FA but I sleep with music on (listen to a CD while falling asleep and it stops on its own at the end, but if I wake up with my brain thinking and thinking, I start again the CD to distract my mind and avoid all those thoughts and feelings), as soon as I'm in the car I turn the music on and turn the volume on when I want to turn the chaos in my mind down 😅 I lean anxious or avoidant in relationships depending on the other person, but I guess I'm leaning more avoidant in general
Just ended a relationship with a DA. First time in my life being close with one (well, I wanted to be close). I wish I researched the attachment styles sooner. Not to avoid a relationship with her, but to understand her and communicate better. To give it a “real” shot. I’m heartbroken, but at least I found out I’m an anxious attachment style and know what to work on for myself. Self-realization :)🤷🏼♂️💔
Oh my, this triggered memories. I lived with an extreme DA for a very tough year and a half, and whenever I opened my mouth to talk he would literally start fiddling with anything he could put his hands on, get up from his chair and pace around the room as if he was looking for something but never finding it... he'd do anything in his power in order to not give me attention and to disconnect. Then he'd lock himself up in his bathroom and turn on the music really loud in there so that he couldn't even hear me if I said anything. It was... dehumanizing.
@@mayur1397 Thank you. It's been 2 years since I have freed myself, but I am still very much traumatized, and I don't plan on having any more romantic relationships or even interactions. The serenity I have living by myself and just having friends is far too precious to risk getting involved again with someone who, a year later, drops the mask and turns out to be DA.
Glad you freed yourself. I just went no contact about a week ago and it's very dehumanizing. It's funny you mention the bathroom thing, as that's what my DA would do. Lock himself in the bathroom and watch TV on his phone so loud. I chalked it up to that's how he found safety in his childhood but who knows 🤦🏾♀️
@@tranitataylor4284 So sorry you had to go through that as well. It's an escape thing, nearly everything they do is a form of escape - from intimacy, from commitments and plans, from communicating, and even from their own feelings and thoughts. The thing Thais mentions about needing constant stimulation is not really about stimulation, but about shutting out their feelings and thoughts, diving in distraction, a kind of dissociation. And, you're right, that is tied to a familiar feeling of safety derived from that defense mechanism.
It's so helpful to hear others discussing this. I spent COVID lockdown with a DA ex and it was horrific. "Dehumanizing" is the perfect description. Just as I began to open up look into my past with curiosity, compassion, and vulnerability, I ran into a jagged black rock who put a hard stop to any sort of reflection or processing because he was in hard denial about his own (significant) trauma. Looking back, living with him set me back many years in terms of healing. My social and emotional skills regressed severely and reopened old wounds surrounding trust and worthlessness. I began to suppress conflict or even speaking up so as to so avoid triggering his contempt, extreme defensiveness, and/or hypersensitivity. There was intense and constant gaslighting-he was always trying to deny, distort, or rewrite reality and stifle my voice and questions by saying I wasn't listening to him. I couldn't get much in before "No, no, no, no! That's not what happened!!" as I was in the middle of explaining how -I- was being affected by something he did. Like there was no margin for discussing interpretations, either a thing happened according to the one "logical" lens of his motives and feelings, or it simply didn't happen (!). He also couldn't unwind without playing 5 or 6 hours of Call of Duty most nights of the week. I actually used to game a fair bit, but lost my taste for it watching someone do it the way some people do porn addiction. Mindless, numbing, compulsive, repetitive self-soothing behaviors, with none of the creativity, fun, connection, exploration, or open-mindedness that I loved gaming. It was just dopamine-fueled domination, and often rage directed at children. Aggravating and depressing to hear through the walls of my apartment at 4 am, and god forbid I tell him his habits were affecting my life and work. Then I was just being "controlling" and "didn't understand gaming" 🙄. I felt bad for him at the time, as he mentioned severe neglect in his early childhood... but never fucking again. I don't know if he'll ever develop the neurons that were pruned away in his early life. I don't think he has the capacity to, frankly, but more importantly, I no longer care. Being involved in him force me to examine my own attachment style and savior complex which got me into a lot of trouble in my adult life. Thank goodness there's awareness being spread of attachment styles, early trauma, and how they in tandem affect our lives in the present. Now we can do better!
As a DA, One thing I don't understand is what it actually means to "emotionally connect." I often hear this but no one has ever given a clear definition. I've heard everything from "I can't read you " to "you don't show your emotions when I talk to you" from girlfriends to female friends despite telling them EVERYTHING. Not a single woman I've talked to who said this can ever tell me what they mean.
I’m a DA woman and I have no clue what it means to ‘emotionally connect’ either. I know what it’s like to connect with people because I like them and there’s some sort of energy, but emotional connection? Like what does it mean?
@@cachectin23 I don't believe anyone truly understands what it means either. I think this is just the best way people describe their attraction to one another, and when someone seems LESS interested that can only chalk it up to "emotional connection." I'm not going to fault doctors for trying to better understand human behaviors, but I don't think they quite understand this yet. I watch another channel where the doctor changes much of the language and doesn't even use the term "DA." She uses the term "OA," which stands for "Oblivious Attachment" to emphasize that most DAs have no idea what (mostly) fearful and disorganized attachment styles are talking about when they bring these subjects up.
It's getting to know someone on a deep level. Like your desires, your fears. Your feelings that make you, you. Sure, talking about a funny movie together or telling stories about crazy times in college is important too, but that's all superficial things you'd tell a stranger. Things that aren't surface-level. Conversations you'd have in private.
@@sifublack192we absolutely know what it means. Just because you don't understand emotional intimacy doesn't mean no one else does. You can connect physically with your partner in ways you can't connect with others (like kissing, s*x, etc.) and the same goes for emotional.
@@Alixir1228 maybe you know what it means, maybe you don't. However, as I said before, there is absolutely no clear definition of emotional connection due to the change of meaning from person to person. It's why when I'm dating a woman, I leave all the emotional connection, intimacy and commitment stuff up to HER (that is I let her bring it up). It's feminine energy to me.
I love a DA more than myself. Watching these clips has taught me much about myself and about her. DAs problems are rooted in emotional neglect as a child. They shouldn't be vilified for not being loved, or taught how to love, as a child. Simply put, a DA who was forced to figure everything out on their own has trouble dealing with people who are asking for help. We all have issues born of things we never chose.
I think my boyfriend is Dismissive Avoidant cause I have some avoidant issues too but I’ve acknowledged it & im working on it. He wouldn’t even open himself up to wanna know or talk about this much less fix it. It feels like a lost cause. But yeah, you described him to the T in this video. I’ll continue to work on me & we will see what happens with this relationship. Thank you so much. This was extremely informative.
If they shut down how to get them to realize that they're doing the stuff it's not their fault, but it's not healthy that you know jumping to the next relationship and the next one the next one nothing is gonna change and they have somebody that genuinely loves them in front of them to motivate them to make that relationship work
Speaking from my own experience as a DA, I've left relationships because it felt like the person wanted to merge to the point of it being all-consuming. When it got to that point, I bailed because I lost my attraction and respect for them for being unable to meet their own needs and relying too heavily on me to fulfill their needs.
He held me "hostage". He gaslit, manipulated and emotionally abused me. His needs were always more important than mine. I gave and gave and got close to nothing in return. He shut down on me, denied there were any issues when I tried to resolve them. Being with him was pure hell on earth. He treated me terribly, but he didn't want to let me go. Every time I tried to leave him he'd cry, bring up his old wounds to excuse his behavior, manipulate my compassion. I hate him. I hate that I wasted my time, energy and love on him. I cut him off 7 months ago and life hasn't been more peaceful. But I've still got to lick and heal my wounds.
Sounds like the highly narcissistic man I was with. He was very likely sociopathic or seriously narcissistic. It hurts for a long time afterwards due to the cognitive dissonance, but it does get much better and the peace feels deeper and deeper the longer you’re away from them. Best wishes to you.
I'm an INTP Enneagram 5w4 and a DA. I should be a hermit, really. But I try so hard to make my marriage and family as stable and happy as possible. It goes against my innate tendencies, but life should be about mastering things.
I’m currently dating what seems to a really good guy… it’s been 2 months and I care for him but I find myself putting distance… letting my phone die , taking time to respond. I definitely want to reprogram and make this work because I feel happy talking and being with him. Not sure if I could balance dating him and fixing myself emotionally…
I'm a DA😢. I'm feel so sad because I divorced my loving ex husband in 2015. I was dismissive of his emotions and his needs as I expected him to solve them himself. We were in love for our first three years, then fell out of love without any growth in our relationship. We both could not fix ourselves. I went through therapy, but he did not want to. I eventually moved onto secure attachment when I was healed through Jesus. I 🙏 that my ex husband would get help and be securely attached before he moves onto the next intimate relationship. He deserved to be loved and love others. ❤
You got better. This is so hopeful. I'm sitting here crying because I feel hopeless. The person is DA. He did contact me after 7 weeks. He's a beautiful person. I don't want him to be hurt in his future. 😢
@@cupcake0480 That's not true at all. It's a freeze reaction, your body stores the emotion elsewhere because it's too much to handle. Sometimes i would get yelled at as a kid and I was very sensitive. It would get to the point where I felt like I was in danger, so I'd just freeze. I couldn't emotionally respond in those situations so I had to stuff what I was feeling until my parent got to a safe relaxed state again. There was nowhere to process these emotions and I could not tell the parent who was hurting me that I was hurt because they'd get overwhelmed by the feeling and get hurt very badly. I love them both very much and they both love me, but I learned to shut down and listen when there was conflict. My needs became secondary and sometimes would never be processed. Eventually you stuff those feelings so much, you just don't have enough emotional bandwidth left anymore. Conflict and potential conflict is perceived as a threat; someone else's emotional vulnerability is redefined as you ultimately hurting someone you love as that is really scary. So you just short out. It is dehumanizing to say the feelings were never there. They were and people with this condition already hate themselves for reacting this way. No one wants to act or process like this. Maybe on the outside it can look like that, but repressed pain is still pain and valid. Be kind. There are so many suffering here. Just because you haven't experienced their pain does not mean it's not real.
@@janetholmes Yeah, you’re right and I apologise, The avoidant I was with for a decade is a malignant narcissist, high in psychopathy, with an avoidant attachment style, I had that in mind when I was answering.
There are DAs here despite the constant dirt slinging about us. But, as a DA who ignores the venom of this snake pit, I’ll tell you about learning emotional modeling for me. It is extremely difficult. I’ve been trying for years and have barely scratched the surface of feeling emotions in real time. It is something I have to consciously do on a day to day basis otherwise, I can’t do it. This is not a choice. It’s part of who I am. People act like it’s super easy to just know how to feel but if you been dissociated your entire life, it’s virtually impossible to change it despite what these coaches or whatever tell you. The anxious people or FAs (I seem to attract FAs like a magnet), please, go find other partners. It’s unlikely you’ll ever change or get an avoidant to change for you. There are likely people out there who are more compatible with you, and good relationships are about compatibility. Also, many of the DAs people talk about on the internet might not be DA. People, even secure, can seem avoidant if they have anxious partners. An avoidant can seem anxious if they have an even more avoidant partner. There are also a whole host of mental health issues, temperaments, etc. that can seem like attachment issues, when they aren’t. Attachment is just a theory and in the psychological research world as well as therapeutic practice, it’s just one consideration. I’m a research social scientist and in the process of becoming a licensed counselor and this emphasis on attachment as the sole explanation of relationship issues is sort of problematic.
@@cachectin23it's really not that problematic with attachment styles. My DA said the reason his relationships fail is a lack of emotional connection and never opening up. That is being avoidant. And my biggest flaws in my relationships are directly tied to my anxious attachment and abandonment issues. We all repeat the same mistakes based on our attachment styles until we learn and grow and heal, if we ever do.
@@Alixir1228 I said it is unlikely you will get a DA to change or get one to change for you. Not that DAs don't change. Obviously people of any attachment style can change aspects of oneself but they don't change who they are fundamentally. One changes for oneself, not for another person, ultimately is what I meant. As for emotional abuse, I am not sure what you are talking about. A person of any attachment style can be emotionally abusive.
Great! Do you find a trend in Dismissive Avoidants getting into relationships with people they are less attracted to than someone they are more afraid to try with?
DA’s seek that perfect, fantasy person so they would go for the person that is alluring and attractive or they wouldn’t try at all. Problem is they “fault find” even that seemingly perfect person to create space and distance.
I was dating a DA who said he would only date someone he believed was ‘better than him’ or ‘out of his league’. He thought that was me, but when he realised I was just a human being he left.
My DA partner put me on such a pedestal that she couldn't even talk to me on dates. She was extremely shy. I didn't understand the reason, but now I imagine: low self-esteem too. Cut my heart.
If you are with a DA, just leave ! THERE IS NOTHING on god’s green earth that you can do to remedy the dynamic between you and these self-indulgent ,cold , SELFISH, unfeeling creatures ! My heart goes out to you ?
This was incredibly fascinating and informative. Thank you Thais. I love how you explained not just the common behaviors of DA's but also the reason behind why these behaviors develop and the subconscious thinking behind these actions. After a lot of reading and video watching I thought I really understood the DA but this proved I only scratched the surface.
I'm confused I switch between fearful attachment and dismissive due to retraumatizations. When I'm single then I'm dismissive, when I date I change so strange until others pull away or ghost me for weeks. I have deep abandonment wounds and a rejection trauma. These mirrors what others say, I have different moods and seem to change my personality. They call it borderline or crazy, but I see either I'm panicked of fear to lose the person or I self-sabotage in order to not be hurt and left again i won't even date. Attachment styles are not craziness it's how we were conditioned from child on Yes good you said that😢!!!! Make a video on distinguishing between a narcissist and avoidant person. So many false therapists here and men who claim it's just men need their independence !!!!Exactly that was my nightmare setback after 7 years inner work, I though he was avoidant like me, turned out he was narcissist and he abused me sexually, I reported him. I self-blame myself I didn't fight him more off and didn't see that in him as a friend for 1 year. I just mixed up the two. But such huge difference, we both were avoidants but see I don't cross others boundaries and take their nos. Such a huge difference between both. What I most don't alike about being dismissive this critique and rejection oversensitivity which goes hand in hand with the narcissist. I try to tell myself then, people have the right or freedom to reject you or to dislike and criticize you. If I don't accept that, then I act out like a narcissist, thank no I rather work on my problem with being criticized than becoming a narcissist
Deflect conflict, what about just important clarifying convos? My gf seems really closed off, even on socials, very little content. Any kinf of convo that seems important is avoided, not necessarily conflict. Seem accurate? Also, would not clarify intention on 'relationship'
