AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT: DEACTIVATION AND AUTONOMY. | DR. KIM SAGE 

My parents recorded me as a toddler when I was crying, laughing at me and telling me they were going to show everyone the video at my 21st birthday so we could all see how ridiculous I was. I grew up unable to show emotion and now that I have a loving husband, I'm slowly healing. He can tell if I'm upset and he offers me hugs, and I can't understand how a hug could help, but lately I've been choosing to accept the hugs more, and while I don't understand it, I'll start crying in his arms.

My husband used to be like this, until I talked to a therapy (I’m anxious avoidant, he’s avoidant) and learned more about attachment theories from the Internet that we started talking about our feelings and emotions. They were baby steps, but we went through them all! We’re much much better now. We’ve accepted each other’s vulnarabilities and we’re more connected to our daughter. Back then we both were busy dealing with our own chaotic emotions that we left our daughter alone. My parents and his mother had big contributions to why we were triggered all the times with their demands. Now we’re stronger and braver to give boundaries and protect our family.

It makes me so sad when i think about the good relationships I ruined due to my avoidance. The last thing I wanted was to be abandoned and this was exactly what I created. This in turn reinforced my belief that I need to protectmyslf emotionally by withdrawing. Vicious cycle.

I stopped talking to literally everyone that I could.

A high school teacher told me that the thing to look for in a life partner or a close friend is to see if that person has the ability to form close relationships men, women and children of all ages and backgrounds. Looking back, that was spot on. My spouse and closest friends have that ability. The relationships that did not work out were all with people who lacked that ability. I wish I had truly understood that advice earlier in life, but I think it’s worth passing on. It’s stood the test of time in my life.

I loved a woman with fearful avoidant attachment. These dynamics played out exactly as described in this video. It was devastating. It broke my heart in ways I can’t explain. Thankfully I start trauma therapy tomorrow

This is so me. My dream is to have large property with no neighbors that I am actively working towards. I feel like I am unable to interact with others, as my anxiety and hyper vigilance overwhelm my ability to have connections and leave me isolating. It’s exhausting. I’ve cut all ties with family and it is true freedom.

I finally understand the workings of my ex's repeated avoidant attachment behavior. When we got too close or intimate a real visceral reaction of fear and revulsion occurred, and he gradually withdrew or ran. He was turned off towards me. It happened one too many times, and I broke up with him for good. What he never realized was the profound hurt and betrayal he created. It translates as cruelty.

My strategy is to work to become more secure with some family members and my friends, while completely rejecting any possible romantic attachments. That seems to keep me connected enough but not feeling as if my life is being hijacked and swamped by others. Long experience has shown I’m happier this way.

Everything about me. I'm so tired of having been running away from relationship commitment all my life. I almost lost my marriage. Always unhappy and focused on husband's imperfections. Still having been fighting with myself to keep things normal around and dreaming of getting away.

If i cried, my Mum would say "if you dont stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about" which meant a beating

I had a mom who was a narcissist and borderline I then got into a relationship with a guy who was sweet but avoidant he broke my heart dumped me one day and then tried to come back like nothing happened and didn't understand how damaging that was to me we broke up sense then but now I'm in a place of healing and I truly don't want to be bothered with anybody anymore I have so much peace now that I'm terrified of having my peace tooken away from me because every time I had so called family or friends around me they brought so much drama chaos and hurt in my life I have complex PTSD and other issues I hide it well at work but once I go home I just want to turn off and stay off it's hard for me to connect to people because I have no interest and only like animals nature and spirituality

I’m a secure/anxious person and attracted an avoidant at the beginning of 2021….. that was him to a T 😂 every part you described from “Attached”. I would always try to say “you’re avoidant” and he would gaslight me and say “I’m NOT, I’m secure!!!” And I cried and cried. I finally mustered up my inner voice, and my intuition led me to break up with him a year later. Such a good lesson, never again

So very real. I'm a partner/wife of an avoidant. It becomes a very lonely world. What once was a happy, confident, know no stranger person, I went through anger/stroke because I didn't understand. I understand now, but living this solo life is difficult. He is certain he is fine & doesn't need to change. It's a tragic situation. 😢

This was very a comprehensive video about avoidants. Thank you! I'd like to add that being single by choice is an acceptable choice, but staying connected with one's family, religious group, community, and friends adds lots of quality to life while doing so.

I wish I had found this sooner and I could’ve fixed my relationship

the tragedy of this is not having a good model at all. or rather, I'm at the stage where I'm aware of the general root of my trauma and how I play it out, but in reality so often even being around 'healthy' people feels so wrong, suffocating, and so threatening.

Especially in that a parent wasn’t there when the child went through sexual trauma or a parent was absent and the other was lost in the younger or even teen years..

I was "diagnosed" as avoidant about 15 years ago, but my therapists didn't give me any tools or techniques to deal with it. Whenever I liked a person and started dating, I wanted to run away. In 2016 I began a relationship with a young man and he clearly had an anxious attachment and made me feel completely suffocated, even when he began to complain about my supposed lack of love, interest, commitment, etc. He believed that I didn't love him and I cheated on him... I feel like I was never able to reciprocate his love and his dedication... we broke up formally but we maintained a long-distance relationship with which I felt quite comfortable but he didn't. (I'm 40, single mother)

My dear God, Dr. Sage... I can not believe that this video was posted just a few hours ago. It is EXACTLY what I needed today. This is 100 percent who I am, and I am realising that the man whom I have been in love with for the last 17 years is the same. We both isolate to deal with our feelings. It is his birthday today. I was going to not wish him a "Happy Birthday" but now... I know that I would want someone whom I care about to wish me a happy birthday. And so I will with him and also include that he doesn't need to respond. So that he feels safe. You are beyond a blessing, Beautiful Soul. I pray that "God" gives back to you a multitude of times over for what you do for people and how you help.

omg spot on about sabotaging through the relationships thru the phone… it’s so sad and I hate it :((

Newly delving into understanding attachment styles, all I want to say is thank you! My eyes are wide open. Reaffirming what I already suspected. Self self+development can only go so far. Sometimes we need help. I can't do it all on my own. I found a missing piece to the next step in my healing journey. Thank you.

Not all Anxious/DA relationships are toxic but often just dysfunctional due to not knowing why you do what you do and their can be a willingness to work through your and your partner’s Attachment issues

Dr. Sage, Thank you for your videos. I enjoy them very much. My DA girlfriend after stonewalling for several weeks after an argument has reverted back to distancing me as if we never had a relationship. We have a close friendship that has lasted over 5 years and the last two years we have become extremely close. But within the last year every time we have an issue that challenges our relationship she reverts back to comments like well we are just casual friends ( Its a literal joke). It is so annoying and so surreal. I finally have had enough and told her we both have strong feelings for each other and that I could not support this just friends dynamic anymore. It was simply a lie. The relationship was at that moment very healthy. Boom her response in our conversation was we are just friends but I would really like to keep seeing you. I couldn't take it anymore and told her that was it, either at least acknowlege our relationship or I have to move on. I refuse to be part of a lie. I just don't understand despite reading about this attachment style how they could flat out lie to themselves and sacrifice what has been a strong positive relationship. Its truly devastating.

Oh boy - you definitely hit close to home when you said about the window of ppl you accept- partly bc I have had so many bad experiences NOT being selective enough

While I do have friends okay maybe one, I have one real friend that I know for a fact wouldn't betray me. People these days especially on social networks look at relationships as temporary meaning they don't put any value on them at. Social networks are like a brute Force for getting betrayed. I don't believe I would get into a relationship with someone that was on five or six of them for example. Being completely alone as safer. You have to understand that my family are all backstabbing betrayers. I'm beginning to wonder if social networking doesn't guide people into being narcissistic.

Thank you so much Dr Sage! I'm definitely a mix of attachment styles too. Could you please speak more about the Auto Regulatory State? - I know this cloud of safety I have being alone. I don't do well being yelled at from another room when I've taken my armour off for the day; my cptsd is akin to other neurodiverse conditions like this I believe. My mother is a dark empath. It wasn't safe to share my feelings. They were targeted and used against me. My deep unconscious instinct is not to talk to somebody about my hurts. There is peace from the hypervigilance in the Auto Regulatory State, it's where it is safe to rest.

Dr Kim, thank you 💖Could you please do a video on how you can help the person you love when they have these behaviors? When you understand why and you love them and you can’t walk away. How can we help in an encouraging loving way, when it hurts us too? Is there hope they will heal?

I’m SO grateful that your videos have come up on my RU-vid feed. I really need to deal with my need to avoid relationships.

Dr can you please speak on when avoidants break up with the anxious attachment people and how and if avoidants reconcile with the person they broke up with

This resonates so much. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and helping us understand. I love learning more about attachment, I feel like its the basis of so much of life ❤

Thank you. ❤. Absolutely perfect analysis. ❤

I’m so grateful I found your videos

so on point. Thank you for your videos. Not so many people go deep into this

Thank you for this video and this kind of timing with it. I've developed anxious attachment and my gf is an avoidant after having a violent dad. I love her a lot and I'm trying to be there for her, but sometimes I couldn't understand things like why she has bit of ease at communicating with friends and people that don't know her too well, while with me seems a bit like cold, even while having a good time. Started to detach quite some and with my anxiety I started to think that suddenly I'm not enough, there's something wrong with me, maybe friends are better at everything, maybe I'm getting replaced. That turned me into a mode where I suddenly needed to start to "prove myself" that I'm good enough and started to chase some, without fully realising that I was doing the opposite of what I should have done. Thanks to your explanations on this I think I could understand her better now and I might be able to help, instead of chasing and possibly unintentionally harming her. I thought that inability of telling me how she feels about me comes rather from emotions being muffled, but it makes sense about not feeling fully safe to be vulnerable with it. Instead, tries to act kinda indifferently, but sometimes shows affection by smaller things, like staying bit longer with me, while knowing it matters for me. I always tell her that I appreciate her doing it, when i notice it. In a way, just like her dad I'm another man in her life who's supposed to care for her and love her, it surely gives bit of a fear that suddenly I might turn out same as bad and would hurt her. It also makes sense that it's easier to talk with friends more freely, without that emotional attachment. I feel that my anxiety will lower now as well, knowing real reasons behind all of this. I'll try to do better for her. That kind of people can be really difficult to understand sometimes and they might send mixed signals, but I think they deserve the love too.

Thank you so much for this insight! You explain this so fluidly and make it easy to understand! ❤

this video has changed 8 years of struggle . thank you so much

Beautiful amazing video. Such a great explanation . Please keep making these 💛

Super insightful.. Thank you

Loved this vid..you have such a solid and fluid way of communicating. I found it easy to understand your communication style. Thank you

Wow...this is SO helpful and makes so much sense in understanding myself. THANK YOU!

Wife is Avoidant, deactivated, emotionally disconnected (mostly), will not kiss and avoids physical intimacy. 22 years married and this started cropping up after year 5, getting worse and worse until totally walled off from me for 7-10 years now. Kids get love and affection, dogs get love and affection - almost nothing for "us".

This has been the most insane experience. I went NC bcuz of crossed boundaries and now all of a sudden Mr. I Don’t Want To Be In A Relationship With Anyone is dating everyone and wants to find LOOOOVE! He won’t leave me alone though, but he just cares about me like anyone else cause he’s a caring guy.

❤ Thank you!

Thanks beautiful

Thank you miss

yes. ty.

Cool . Understand. 😢😊

In my one dating experience, these folks are living half alive - how sad for them they can't access much in memories - because memories are formed when they accompany emotion and they suppress emotion - so much of what should be great memories don't exist for them - had an initial experience where I hugged this person for a long time and then when I asked them months later if they remembered, they had no memory of it - so it must have generated lots of emotion for them which they then suppressed - that shocked and saddened me at the time to learn my memory should have been a shared one, but this person had no recollection - imagine a lifetime in a relationship with such a person - just one way to have a perspective on these relationships and their impact on a partner

A lot of this sounds familiar, but I feel like my childhood was a good one. It doesn't feel like I have a good enough excuse to be like this (my therapist tells me that I don't need an excuse 😏). I have a problem with eye contact and expressing emotion with anyone other than my parents is embarrassing. I feel _very_ uncomfortable when other people express theirs too. It's nearly impossible to get close to colleagues at work. Talking to them about work is fine, but casual personal conversation doesn't happen. It's like I have no idea what to say and feel put on the spot. It's extremely frustrating and quite lonely

Training communication to understand

But their list of acceptable dating is not the same with the casual hookup’s this way can avoid intimacy.. so it’s not about the person and their flaws but intimacy and they get their hit of “ intimacy “ that they truly do need.but are subconsciously afraid of it..

Fitness should be fun practical and time convenient Native Americans that's how you make it a lifestyle, but Stay safe and hope staying disciplined daily with fitness goals building confidence.

My boyfriend of 18 years abruptly stopped calling me 5 weeks ago because his dog is dying. I moved 400 miles away almost 2 years ago. He used to call me every night & we saw each other about twice per month. I decided to just wait to see what happens. He is 69 years old, never married.

This is me, and I'm also autistic.

Gender-inclusive language matters. Thank you, Dr. Sage 💚

True

So those feelings which trigger anxiety need to be dealt with otherwise for the partner it breaks trust often being blamed in situations that we should be supported in.. and yes they hyper focus on seeking faults and magnify them.. like they accept it’s ok if someone cheats and I’m like hell no that’s a deal breaker..

I struggle with this for sure, but I’m curious yes I don’t feel like I want to be with someone but I know that I love them is that just because I’m avoidance or is that because this may not be my person. That’s where I’m at where I feel like I’m trying to figure out if I love this person but I also know that I have all of these avoidant tendencies. I wish that I knew that I love them and wanted to be with them and then I could work on these things. It’s always a constant struggle whether I want to be with them or not.

Made worse if your involved with people, family etc whom also have Issue's and you Trigger each other! I am 63 and still learning but I am 😫 frigging Tired! Especially with all the Put Downs, name calling etc from Ignorance and those who can't own their shit

Is self-consciousness also a part of the avoidant attachment situation or the ptsd patterns? How do I release or deal with my self-consciousness in given situations?

I isolate myself from people except my partner. My parents were (and still are) very controlling and my mother snooped around everywhere in my personal life. I used to think I was an introvert and that was a good explanation for my isolation. I am INFJ. But maybe that's not the real reason...

I have a very wonderful & loving relationship with my dog. Woof

Think this is why I am attracted to relationships with married men

Would you say that people with BPD tip into avoidance when they're overwhelmed and split (in order to get their spiked emotions down/distance themselves from the perceived source of hurt, the other person)? Or is BPD too complicated to look at it through attachment theory?

Even if it’s Perceived neglect/rejection

نحتاج ترجمة 🥺

I be been in a ralationship for a Long time but i dont do birthday parties, i dont relate with his family, im avoidant on that. O run away from the idea of making it like a marriage

I don’t think I’m going to get to a place where I will ever date again. I can connect with my kids, my grandbabies when they arrive, and my friends but romantic relationships are too risky and I just don’t want to do it.

Damn I know I deal with this attachment style, I really want to heal from it, I do believe I’m taking baby steps. I also tend to end up with guys who are avoidant

sad how much this describes me, but I can't seem to get past it. I repeat the same shit over and over

I don't run

Thank you for the videos they are very good. Unfortunately, The audio on some videos could be better, more clear; I feel like hearing a person from far away. To me is very hard to listen like that. Just trying to help, sorry for the criticism.

YIKES

They are narcs. Abuse is never ok even if they give it a cute name. Avoidants are toxic af.

"We don't do well if someone calls us from another room" Why is it always the avoidants, the supposedly independent people, always need others to baby them? Isn't this literally the definition of recreating parental dynamics? Why in the everloving fuck would I walk on eggshells for the rest of my life and potentially also fuck up my own child? Pass, go next.

Most people are just mean, they're not worth the time