Holding onto the grief as a form of protection resonated with me. My grief is one of the only things I have left connecting me (anxious) to my avoidant ex-partner. He abruptly ended things with me after a year together and a few months of us living together. It’s been 2.5 months since he ended things, and my grief is still overwhelming. It consumes me in almost everything I do.
Thank you for sharing your experience and for watching this video. That sounds like a very difficult circumstance. Sending you big hugs on this leg of the journey.
I was just there recently too. Sudden breakup after a little over a year together, believing we were each other's endgame. 💔 Be patient with your process; 2.5 months is still super fresh. 🙏
@@He1iconia What I don’t understand is that we agreed to check in with each other in February, so I reached out, and he didn’t respond at all. Like… he agreed to that communication. It’s devastating to feel like I don’t matter to him at all anymore.
@@sarahamelia4101 i'm so sorry that he didn't honor your agreement; that must've felt frustrating and hurtful. While there are many potential reasons why he didn't communicate with you as planned, it does feel easiest to assume that it was because you didn't mean anything to him. But you don't know for sure, and his lack of communication sends the message that he's unwilling or unready at this point. Hopefully that can be clarity for you to at least refocus your attention on healing yourself for the time being. 🙏
Thank you for the video. Your comments about projection, in regarding avoidants, made a lot of sense. I’m not a particularly anxious but when my previous avoidant partner left our relationship with no warning - my head was spinning. In trying to talk and understand why she left, I felt needy. It was odd and embarrassing. Anyway, I appreciate your explanation. They’re helping me to make sense of a sad situation.
Attachment theory is fairly new to me. There is a lot of great information in this video, really concisely explained. I wish you had released this video 12 months ago prior to my last relationship 😊
I can relate a lot more in understanding both of our behaviors. I have decided to grieve the relationship and I leave him alone. We are co workers so it was a bad idea to start with. I believe he still hasn't healed from his divorce and desires his ex wife and family back,so i was just a placeholder
Thank you for watching and for sharing a bit of your experience. That sounds like a difficult thing to go through. Sending you big hugs on the next leg of the journey.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment I appreciate that Brianna. I had no idea this type of attachment style existed until your channel. It's really helped in using emotional intelligence
I can relate to feeling like a place holder. He still had her surname in his name. 6 years after divorce. She had dropped his surname and had left him for another man. When I asked about it, he told me it wasn’t important to him on his list of things to do. He would never talk about their relationship. I said it sent a clear message to me (that there was unresolved emotion/anger or something within him). And I ended things, because i felt like the mistress.
I wish I could share with you a vlog I made for myself about 30mins before I randomly came across your video. This was about myself realising after 1yr of being apart from my avoidance person I have not needed to do my emotional vlogging and it has been so great! But I don't want to get stuck back in this dynamic. I love my own space even tho I was the one that missed out on a 'normal amount of attention' I never seeked more. Until I was so deprived... I never wanted to get stuck in this cycle and I don't want to be apart of it anymore. Tbh I never wanted to but I felt forced to in order to keep a roof over my head. But I do love this person.. well parts of them. And everything you mentioned os all that I have come to a conclusion on after 15yrs of seeing mental health professionals.. probably 15 in total. What blew me away is that you mentioned parts and the internal family system as its something new to me that I am yet to learn about. And also that you mentioned the spiritual side of it. Because there is a huge part of me that feels like I was connected to my ex in another life. And we were so close.. inseperable. To the point I think he chose to come to earth and I followed him here when I shouldn't have. I feel like we have journeyed on other planets together etc. i have done meditations and visions of being with him have come up. It feels like home when I see them but they have only happened a handful of times. I was kind of hoping that you were going to touch on something like that but it felt like you were trying to come from a more logical place then a spiritual place. Maybe unless you have had the weird unexplainable visions and feelings that feel different compared to whats on earth you would say otherwise.... But your concept is interesting and I will look into it for myself. :) So thank you! It does feel like it sounds more like a Inner Family System thing then a spiritual tho. Would be really cool if you were able to find other people or sources that could help you deep dive on this... Because I would like to know if there is more to this spiritual side. And am curious what other people have experienced in this side of things.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I do have a playlist on this topic. You might enjoy it. Love and New Age Mysticism ru-vid.com/group/PLrMVDDz2c7DP3nz_gDcuJPIt2f80Q3ljg
Thank you so much for that Brianna. My husband of 10 years (16y relationship) is an avoidant and I have moved from secure to anxious (never showing it too much as I knew it was repelling him!) with time. He turned 40 and went into a midlife crisis (changing jobs, location), and finally left me one year after I joined him there. He said I loved him too much and he could not keep up. I let him go without crying and chasing at all. This was 3 months ago, and after a deep grief and a lot of work on my attachment style, I realize that all I want is for us to find peace. I know I would be better off with a secure partner, but it is still difficult for me to give up all hope. Would I only be healed the day I give up all hope and send the divorce papers?
I found the term Toxic Hope very helpful. I have been with a fearful avoidant partner for 2 years and he needs lots of space. The back and forth made me ill and I still want him. It is crazy. Euphoria, fantasy, not wanting to accept reality is so hard.
@@knitnpaintI’m in the craziest dynamic of a relationship with the person I have believed to be “my person” for nearly 24 years … it’s a long story but this back and forth is maddening .. he’s more of an avoidant, however the overuse of alcohol plays into it .. therefore sometimes he’s wide open with his emotions, which is amazing right ? … And then he shuts down .. and then I wonder .. did all that just happen ? … Let’s pool our strengths knowing we have a place like this to land sometimes for the answers that validate our sanity … wish you both the best 🙂
Thank you for commenting and sharing a bit of your experience. It sounds like a difficult journey you are going through. Well, I cannot answer that question for you, I can suggest that you speak to the different parts of yourself that are holding on, and the other parts that are wanting to move on. If the divorce papers are a significant symbol for you, then they may indicate a certain rite of passage. Sometimes it is hope that holds us back, clinging to attachments of what was. Instead, I might recommend turning towards faith, faith that once you let go of hope that which is intended for you now has the room to find you.
Too generalized to me. I knew that the other will act so it's not a self fulfilling prophecy when I didn't projected nothing into them. The undeniable fact is I'm having pain diasases which I mentioned not thoroughly discuss and after that they were gone silent or for for good. It is codependency from a therapist suggest all people are same and all project and these kind of generalizations I most dislike especially in psychiatrists. I was 10 years to Coda. We are not responsible for others reactions to us or their own issues, inability to stay in contact and to communicate. I also work on myself to bound and communicate so awe all are able to do so. Perhaps I'm less anxious type and less stereo typical model. I do have 20% fearful personality so guess what she explains its over 50% of the avoidant and fearful type Coda helped me that I let go . I don't stay in these trauma bonds anymore, neither do I take them back cause they always comes back, I went to police cause my avoidant ex didn't get it I'm out of this dynamic. You can get out, stay single. I'm sick and tired of these dramas. They give me the silent treatment, I do the same, no words in whole weeks. What happens always, they're like ooh I didn't think that of you. It says it clearly who projects their fears on the other, ii might look needy with walking issues and pain, but I went through too many crisis than to even need them they treat me so. Those who presume quickly mostly presume wrongly 😊❤
