I’m avoidant, it’s sad. I am trying to figure out why and the reasons why are even more sad. Don’t feel sorry for us, we have to notice the problem and want to fix it ourselves
Please don’t take back avoidant partners. They have habit to escape in difficult times. And life is about east and difficult times.. they will only be there when the sun is shining!!!! Finally letting him go
With my avoidant partner, I have found if I learn how to work with who he is and what he responds best to, he is more capable of being there for me in difficult times.
Unless they are willing to do the work and seek therapy, walk away from them. You will always be the one to blame with things go south (lack of accountability) and this hot and cold behavior will continue for as long as you continue to show them that you don’t respect yourself. It’s crazy making and shows them you are in need of someone like this to validate you with sporadic crumbs whenever they feel “safe” enough to love you. Best believe when they feel engulfed, suffocated, bored, trapped and so on they will pull a disappearance on you or become emotionally distant. How can anyone be okay with this? It’s exhausting and emotionally crippling. You lose yourself by giving and giving to someone that will never reciprocate the way you do. They will control the entire dynamic for as long as you let them come in and out and yes they are controlling due to their inner core beliefs. LEAVE! save yourself the heartache and find someone secure and emotionally available.
I agree for the controlling part. As an anxious, I have been protesting about his avoidant behaviors, asserting my needs for connection and closeness (for example, when he was checked out, petting the dog on the sofa instead of me, being closed to emotional discussions, not holding eye contact when intimate, not holding my hand when out, not calling when coming home late), and sometimes he corrected the behaviors, but overall he has had the most control over the dynamic. He is the one deciding when we connect, when we make love, when we can be close. He has asked for his space, so I left his place and went back to my city. But as I feared, it looks like a fade out exit, over less than a week, I can feel the disconnect getting bigger, the video chat feels even more superficial and he says he doesn't know if he wants the relationship. I know I won't be able to stand this waiting situation, where I'm getting the weaker position. We've been together 4 months, I was living with him 2 1/5, and he was very into it in the beginning like it seems avoidant all do. But now that he needs his space, it feels like he can move back to his single life and solo mindset without difficulty. When we slept together he was always snuggled against me, cuddling glued to me, I know he liked it and liked me. He told me it took him 5 days after I left to sleep in the same bed again. But when chatting with him he says he doesn't know and can't make no plans about us. How he represses his feelings amazes me and it's so unhealthy to treat himself like a self-sufficient robot. Maybe you are right and I should cut out my losses now. So hard though because I am so attached and anxious.
@@MissSarahGM you need to work on your self esteem my love because it sounds to me that you are giving people in your life wayyyyyy to much power. YOU are in control of your life. Also boundaries, you guys moved in tooooo quickly. You need to get to know someone for at least 6 months to 1 year before considering that. Hope this helps 😌
@@MissSarahGM You explain yourself so well. These men are very needy but very unwilling to accept that and commit to a woman who makes them feel good. They keep going back to 'she may hurt me' deep in their mind's s recess. If they do not have a way to fight their own fears with faith, they will keep hurting themselves and the women they think they love.
@@MissSarahGM In the more personal side. I to am an anxious attach vs. avoidant whatever but I know it is because my dad was emotionally unavailable. These issues are deep rooted. I am a Christian and often ask the Lord to keep me focused on the Lord. He tells us in His Word, that there is always trouble in the flesh with male/females even in marriage because you seek to please each other. If one dies not seek to please, it gets very unfulfilling.
@@joyceluppold9159 Thank you. Indeed, he rejected that needy and vulnerable part of himself, because he is traumatised from childhood with neglectful narc parents. All of his avoidance came from fear of engulfment and losing his identity and self. Why? Because he is so enmeshed with his family, and especially narcissistic mother, he confided in and who sabotaged him and me as well (she kept saying it was best to stay single). He has OCD so he struggled to make decisions and avoided commitment. A year later, after he dumped me, I went no contact but he called me a couple of times, last time was for my birthday. I could sense it was a convenient excuse to show interest and reach out, but he couldn't be vulnerable and say what he wanted, beyond friendly chitchat. So I am back in no contact.
Sometimes I think that the reason you don't have the amount of subscribers that I think you deserve based on value of the videos is because YOUR CONTENT ARE JUST TOO GOOD! I know that's probably not what you want but.... I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THE INTEGRITY AND VALUE OF YOUR CONTENT! No one else is doing attachment videos that truly discuss the issues with such spiritual and deeply deeply compassionate perspectives!
Still can't stop pursuing, I just wish my wife would watch these things and learn and work on her avoidance style... we have so much good, but when traumatic times come, she panics I cling.. and we end up... idk... thank you for all these videos, I've watched about 80 of them... no lie
I hope things are getting better my friend, but try working on yourself and learning to not NEED anyone. Eventually if not her you’ll attract a healthy individual.
@@spartansyo734 They need to tell their FAs that expressing their emotions is ok and that you are a safe person. That all feelings are valid. FAs don't like it when our feelings are judged or when we are told to stop feeling it or when our feelings don't make sense. It makes the FA think that working on the relationship will lead to more pain and they will run. And I as an FA will and have permablocked people that I really liked. I won't tell at them. I won't ask for reassurance. None of that. I just want to leave. And permablocking gives me a sense of safety and freedom that feels more fulfilling than the relationship.
@@spartansyo734 FAs are tricky. They won't key your car or blow up at you. They will just permablock. And they won't appear FA. They'll appear like people pleasers who are good at reading you. They are so good at people pleasing that the avoid the actions that anxious attachment styles do. So, you really need to tell them that you are a safe person to talk about their feelings with.
I've been ghosted 4 times but I see letting go as failure. He's a great guy with avoidance tendencies. This time, I'm learning more about my attatchment style and, while not putting all of the blame on myself, I'm approaching his return from a different perspective this time. Thank you for your teachings.
How's it going? Been ghosted by an avoidant friend (not love relationship) and learned a lot about attachment styles in the almost 2 weeks he ghosts me now. I know the chances he comes back are very slim, but I so wish he would. I did instinctively most things right with him, even before knowing about attachment styles, but understanding him and myself better now feels good, but also kind of wasted if we don't get a second chance. Hope the journey with your person is going good!
Me too trying it these days ,bcos he is coming back to me after our 2nd break up which he did. He truly loves me, but have trust issues & fear for intimacy (too closeness), to call (except testing) ,meet & marry💔. I love him so much, he believes it so much even he is BPD & Avoidant. I 🙏for his healing to Jesus.. I cannot heal him.
I met him at 16. He’s been back 6 times. I am 62 now. I still love him. Our biggest gap was 20 years. But I’m not unhappy. I needed this time to grow. I’m an Anxious preoccupied…….well not as much as my earlier years. He is Fearful Avoidant. I’ve grown so much I. Terms of self esteem, worth and spirituality. Excellent video. Very informative and comprehensive. Thank you Briana.
😩please do share your story. How did you do 20yrs! 😣I usually am AA but stuff happened & became a Fearful avoidant for 10yrs. I’ve never met anyone as strong as me until I met my Dismissive avoidant & he brought out alllll of my anxious preoccupied & I also have codependency & abandonment issues. But ever allowed myself to get to close until I met my DA we were just friends with benefits for 5yrs and I was fine as I don’t like titles. & somewhere along the line I started sharing more of my life & true self I viewed him as a friend & caught feelings. 😔🥺 he’s been on & off with the fir the past year. I could tell our intimacy & attachment triggered him & he ran. Any tips on what you did that worked for you? & please I’m so curious of your story. Do they ever change even a lil?
@@Princess-ef2ux The majority of our relationship was between 16 years of age to 40. He married between that time but kept coming back. the bottom line is that unless he heals himself things will never change. In the meantime I got on with my life and had relationships. I even fell in love with somebody else but that didn’t work out and I would’ve married that person so it’s not like I’m waiting for my fearful avoidant to wake up himself and marry me. Don’t sabotage your life. There was a knowing that he would always come back. But that was stemming from intuition. But again I say don’t wait for him. Get on with your life. In time you will see that your self-esteem is low and you’re putting up with it. Having said that I my self-esteem was low too. Through time and meeting other people and loving my job I began to grow. I did a lot of work for myself and my own self esteem. This occured in the 20 years we weren’t together. He was married but despite that you keep seeing me. The bottom line is you cannot help him wake up himself he’s got to do that on his own. You can’t heal him As for tips get on with your life. Give him space if he needs to run away let him because he’s Got to work it out himself. It’s easy for me because I like my freedom and my space. As for do they have a change even a little, that’s up to the person and how much maturity they they have developed. Heal yourself first and then you will really see that nothing has been your fault. ITS HIM. My best tip is to ask your self if this behaviour occurred to a couple that you know what would you think and do? You will see it’s not right and then question why you would put up with it. I still love him but I won’t put up with his fearful and roller coaster behaviour.
Same story with me. We have an age gap. He is younger than me. He is BPD & Avoidant too. We have a 1 year deep love. He expressed his love from social media ,from his action & eye contact only, I thought he was shy. But he broke up in January aftr I sent him a video which tells abt love & have it for life. Then I was devastated , suffered a lot. He needed me badly in heart & his friends knew it, but he ignored me ,he was cold to my face. Aftr we cudnt meet ,aftr i stopped msgs + social media interact he came back crazily wit genuine love. But in July end he lost his attraction again (may b bcos we dont meet after august or he had a rebound gf) . But then again he msgd me tru a secret WA number & did chat, but didnt like much to chat abt my life or his life. Only abt othr stuff. I didnt know abt Avoidants that time. Then he was so angry ,upset for something I cudnt tell & for msgn his Insta. So he didnt chat for a month. For a simple thing he was furious in the end of Sep & broke up in a mean way. So I suffered a bit ,then went NC ,so now he comes back to see me to my work place since last month ,bcos we have an event in Oct & Nov few days. 1 day I ignored ,I saw from his face he was so happy to see me, 2nd day he came & looking , staring at me, I ignored , but then he came behind me to upstair & I smiled & went. 3rd day he was mo happy as we met, he was near me & always looking , so I did too. He always change my heart when I give up on him. He wants me back now it seems. Still he didnt msg me, he might soon. I want to marry him, but he has to agree for it & I want to be anti anxious type (secure) wit him, I did mistakes not knowing he is Avoidant (the things avoidants dislike & get detached) .
I was attached to a guy for 12 years. He was so avoidant that we never had an acknowledged relationship at all--just a mutual attraction that never went anywhere.
The same for me, he keeps coming back, for over 6 years now. We see each other usually 2-3 times a year, and comunicate several days (but verry poor) and the he dissapears and reapeares and the cicle repeats itself. The last time when he came, i was about to not speaking to him and he was so insistent with calls, msj, he told me that he miss me, that he wanna see me, that he was always liked me..., for about 3 months and after finally i gave him attention he dissapeared again, that is when i thought he has narcissistic pd, but i was thinking better and maybe he has apd.
Well first it won’t work without both understanding their attachment styles and BOTH willing to work on it for themselves firstly but also for their relationship..
I can relate to this story, it was the story of me with a narcissist, he never changed, so I followed HG Tudor guidelines of when you know you go!!.... You don't hang around when you see this black flag that begins with red flags...
@@Lauren-vf1ip I completely understand, as time moves on, you will stop missing all narcissist... lol... The more you love you, you won't miss toxic individuals...
@@patricial8753 HG Tudor is a youtuber with a youtube channel called 'The Ultra'.. HG is a narcissist and a psychopath that explains narcissism at 100 percent.... HG old youtube channel was called 'Knowing The Narcissist' and his current youtube channel is 'The Ultra'.. I began watching HG old channel called 'Knowing The Narcissist' before I began watching HG yiutube channel called 'The Ultra'...
I wish you (and my man) could understand that even if that did happen, you'd be strong enough to carry on, and meantime love anyway. If you fall for an anxious type, they'll pretty much always be there!
You can see a therapist for that. Whole nothing is ever guaranteed, but you are making things worse by not buying into the relationship (if you want it)
Well you nailed the dynamic in our messed up relationship. I started off on the more secure side of anxious, but time we get close, he runs off (fearful avoidant) and now I'm certainly insecure anxious, if not also avoidant. And yes, I started putting in demands/boundaries that surprisingly he agreed to, but now thinks everything he does is wrong and doesn't give enough attention to the relationship. The feelings are there, but omg it is draining and feels impossible. Definitely more videos on this please. He did go therapy a few times last year but it made him more depressed. I feel totally undervalued and ready to walk. Even though he keeps telling me I am important, he can't seem to work out how to express this in the way i need, and he very much has to do things his own way (his sense of security I guess, but it doesn't make for a healthy partnership)
This resonated with me so much and I literally felt like you were describing my exact experience (me being the anxious and my ex being the avoidant). I would love more videos like this. Particularly what the anxious person should/could have done instead
My therapist recommended your content, and I see why. I recognize my attachment style (avoidant) in your descriptions and examples. My stories and failings in relationships have common elements to examples you give. I look forward to learning more and changing my habits to develop healthy attachments and relationships instead of continuing down the path of unhealthy ones. Thank you very much for sharing your knowledge on this platform.
This sounds like my marriage. I am always left confused. My husband has left atleast 30 plus times we have been married for 6 years. And at times I just want to give up.
This was spot on through and through. I have been searching for answers for a year and this phase provided me with the exact level of insight that I needed. Interestingly enough, my avoidant ex name is also Eddie. Lol.
I had a relationship like this where we both may have been anxious avoidant. The trauma connection was intense and powerful. It upended my life. I learned soooo much about myself. It’s almost funny to observe the internal wounds being layered over the present events. Bizarre. I am very self-aware and I can see the anxious then avoidant feelings wash through me. Then I rebalance to a calm place. 🙏💕
Narcissist do this.. RUN LADIES!!... You should not be found when he comes back!... You may be calling narcissist avoidant partners... No ones life should be a revolving door... Someone that loves you is not in and out.. As I listened more you did mention something about narcissism... Great job Dear Heart... When he breaks up with her, those are discards and disengagements... She needs stability not someone that is in and out of her life.. Interesting and great video...
This drives me nuts because men are narcissists and women are not. 🙄 The women are simply victims. Like there's no pathology there. 😂 Seriously, run ladies, go find some other male to try and make you happy. /sss
Lots of information in there have to listen again. I was in this situation for a long time, me playing the role of open heart but now that I’m dating again I’m the rolling stone. My supposition is that there’s really no difference they’re really the same. What role you play depends on the other person.
The overall Divine Lessons are very beautiful. I am healing my Anxious Attachment experience and would say I am on the other side of this healing. Hallelujah! Really enjoy learning more as I grow more secure in myself. I really like your logic and thought provoking thinking on these contrasting attachments.
I definitely recognize these beliefs. Especially the second one. I know we are both good people, I can see we want to love each other...but we have work to do.
Can you relate to this couple? Do you recognize the limiting beliefs that can keep you caught in cyclical patterns in love? Let me know in the comments below!
Yes been caught in back together abandon together abandon so many times now... the difference is he only came back after several months...and it’s torturing for me, he’s very afraid of taking a step forward whenever there’s unpleasant moments..and yet I’m still hoping for a possibility he’d come back...
This is 💯my situation. I am FA and he is DA. We have been doing this for 6 years. Right now he is waiting for me to flip out for him disappearing the last two weeks. I want too- but I am trying to heal myself and stay busy and not react. I jsut wish he would not test me!
Time to put the O in the Ounce & Bounce I should have kept to my instincts and left my ex the first time. I wasted a year of my life for her, sound like you need to stop playing games.
They literally can't help but to test you because it is on a unconcious level UNLESS he is a actually narcissist either way it goes, you NEED to set boundries if hes an avoidant he will not respect you if you allow him to disappear on you and keep coming back in and out of your life.. it will never stop because hes not being affected and hurt by the behavior like you are, in his mind he probably doesn't even think hes doing anything wrong or damaging even if you have spoken to him before hand, avoidants respond better by actions and boundries, if your not applying either one your just setting yourself up for heartache and failer,it will be the same old story and dance for 6 more years he wont stop this behavior on his own or by you lashing out...and then your accepting behavior from him that isn't acceptable or feels ok with you, you cant win with an avoidant by doing these things, your better off truly giving him his space to think about his actions.. and just do you, spend time on self love and improvement, go out with other people,watch videos and content on avoidants, also learn your own attachment style as well, try to figure out WHY and HOW you attracted avoidants in the first place, it will be easier said then done.. you'll miss him a lot in the beginning..you'll probably go through a few phases, before you start to heal but your doing both of you guys a favor by leaving him and the relationship alone,and choosing your sanity and self value as a priority..treat yourself the way you wish he treated you, be the example to him instead of saying how you want to be treated show him your not a door matt just because you love him, avoidants dont respond well to emotional wants demands and needs they will more then likely tune you out and find a way out the relationship to avoid you,this seems cruel but in reality it's just an unconcious way of deactivating strategies to relive themselves of any unwanted feelings responsibilities or guilt so your best bet is to work on yourself it may take some time but hell come back around it usually takes them longer then the average person to think about their decisions feelings and thoughts that's why they need some much time and space they do not think and respond in real time they have delayed thinking patterns so it can take weeks to months to even years before they come to terms with the truth all you can do until then is shift the focus on you and wish him well have compassion for the both of you guys and realize people can only meet you how far they have come in their lifes themselves....good luck sweetheart I wish you love light and healing.
@@uniquedavenport7232 thank you so much for that. Such amazing timing. We are actually in yet another cycle.. it usually is about every 6 months. It used to be every couple weeks. Than every couple months. I spent a hole year not talking to him. And we were in a good spot-I thought. We had sex. It was awkward and here we are. Strangers all over again. I am exhausted. And I know Ans agree wholeheartedly. 😞
They dont love you, they just miss their supply! Block em! Ignore them! Don't entertain their nonsense! Old patterns and old programming die hard, wound attachment.
Bingo! Unless they are willing to do the work, walk away from them. You will always be the one blame with things go south (lack of accountability) and this hot and cold behavior will continue for as long as you continue to show them that you don’t respect yourself. It’s crazy making and shows them you are in need of someone like this to validate you with sporadic crumbs whenever they feel “safe” enough to love you. Best believe when they feel engulfed, suffocated, bored, trapped and so on they will pull a disappearance on you. How can anyone be okay with this? It’s exhausting and emotionally crippling. You lose yourself by giving and giving to someone that will never reciprocate the way you do. LEAVE, save yourself the heartache and find someone secure and emotionally available.
I feel tears welling up inside. I did give this person I love dearly the all or nothing ultimatum because I feel like I cannot bear the "other women" ...thing if we are just friends. I'm all f'd up and feel unable to untangle the mess we both have made of what has the potential to be an enduring "ship"... relationship or friendship ...it's beyond me to define which... obviously, I'm the quintessential anxious heart and yep, you guessed it, he is the avoidant
@Kane Henry I decided that I am ok with not having a partner. I can't change the way I am. I believe that actions speak louder than words. I show my love and respect by giving my all.
Messed up thing I s I know that I have value in theory but doesn’t play out in real life..But through these videos I’m starting to learn how to bring the idea into reality..thanks for your content
wow , you were on fire with this one - the language was spot on - really helped me to understand the message intuitively and not just mentally.... gracias!
I'm 67 married 3 1/2 years to my 74 yr old man. He has left me 9 times for no good reason. We have lived 5 months only then leaves me. I'm s deep empathetic. This is my life he just left again 6 weeks ago. No contact at all makes me sick
Amazing content, you are a really talented and knowledgeable person. All the way from Brazil, I send you this message. It's fascinating your ability to describe human relations with such precision and accuracy. I wonder how you have been able to acquire all this deep knowledge. Thank you ma'am. My deepest regards for the freedom and love you are sharing with us, for free, and with all your heart. You are a healing human being.
3 months ago I pushed for some answers about our future. Why not after experiencing this type of scenario at least 3 times in the past 3 years. Well it ended when he said "I don't see a future with you" I should note that every month I wanted to end it b/c I felt unloved and undesirable. He would sleep on the sofa a lot. Distance was his go to even when we were sitting in the same room. Needless to say I was in a state of confusion most of the time anxiety through the roof. He said he wanted to remain friends but never initiated a call or text. I gave up on it all yesterday and hope we can stick to it this time. This relationship was the best and the worst all once. But I'm learning a lot.
What do you mean by “power being taken away” when discussing the avoidant? my girlfriend broke up with me. I’m anxious preoccupied and she’s a fearful avoidant. She left because she felt smothered and didn’t like my constant need for reassurance. Since then I’ve been working on myself and realizing my value, it’s been six weeks since she left. I don’t know if she ever plans on talking to me, she blocked me on everything after I had sent her flowers apologizing for whatever I did to get us to that point. That was her final straw. After that I wrote her a letter that I felt I needed to send to have closure. It was nothing but a thank you for the time and memories type letter. I’ve seen her on tinder a couple times so I know she isn’t coming back but I’m still so baffled because she told me all these things like I was the best boyfriend she had and she loved how much I cared but obviously not. She came on so warm and loving and like the flip of a switch was cold and careless. I only ever wanted her happiness and to share our time together. I didn’t wanna control her but I feel like that’s the way she interpreted it. I just wish I could talk to her knowing what I know now and try figuring this out. I know I can’t wait and I haven’t been, I go out and party and have met new people and made new friends however she hasn’t slipped my mind. Even if we don’t get back I want her to realize her attachment style because she doesn’t know how much it’s affecting her relationships with people. If you respond that would be awesome!
I know time has passed since your comment but your last sentence struck with me that you want her to realise her attachment style because it's affecting all her relationships. That is such an AP thought. So caring and thinking of others before themselves. We just cannot help others because that only happens through self realization and you can tell her a hundred times about it, it will not resonate with her until she's ready for change herself and make the realisations she need to make herself. Ofc when we see clearly through someone else we think if I tell them maybe they will come to realise it but unfortunately it's not like that. Our emotions, perceptions, self dialogues, the way we feel about ourselves and the world, the way we view ourselves ans the world are so complex and unique, words are not enough to make someone change internally. She doesn't need to get helped she doesn't need to get saved, she is already doing what she's supposed to do, making the mistakes she's supposed to make and experiencing what she's supposed to experience. All is fine. Anyway hope you're well and thriving x
I got clouser text from my ex girlfriend. After 3 month's of no contact It's like.. Hey.. hope you are doing good..Just meant to say sorry, I mean it. You are a good soul,it's just me who can't love someone,I tried to love u,you are really a good friend (and some more txts). After she added I cared about you,maybe I still care, we can't unlove people,but I can hate someone more than I loved, If I try to be with you again I would destroy you in every possible way. Lastly she added I just gave you enough time to realise I'm not important as you thought in your life,but you deserve a closure and here it is...... Don't reply she told... What I have to do please help?
So weird! Clearly she doesn’t want to get together. Find someone new and keep busy. You have your own life and shouldn’t have to wait three months for her to tell you you’re ok. You should be in control of how you feel.. wow. Just talk to other people
It seems like she don't respect you and give some bullshit excuses to feel less guilty by abandoned you. If she ghosting you wasn't that terrible, well, let's see how she will react if somebody her loved one do the same 🍿 But for now, maybe you should not respond to her and continue to heal to forgive what she did and next, move on . She don't deserve your words but You deserve peace,love and respect so start with yourself.
These people have ANGER issues that have not been resolved. Here is a proverb from the Word of God. Make not friends with an angry man, lest thou learn his/her ways and gain a snare unto your soul. Think on that may bring some understanding.
I come from a family of 9 . My mother was a alcolic and my father was the same only he came and went until one day he didnt come back at all . My mother showed no love and never said she loved us . We looked after her and were sent out to buy her booze with notes to the retailer . She kept us home from school most of the time . Im afraid of relationships and have had many . I normally forse the relationship to fall apart . After watching this i think i know why now .
Bah. Sounds similar to something I went through recently. He said he knew there were things I wanted to say but wasn't saying and encouraged me to just open up. Except I was the one who ended things and then begged him back twice.
The idea that the anxious avoidant one I love and I have the same wounds, but different coping mechanisms, spoke loudly to me. It's true, we are rather similar in a lot of ways. Probably one of the things that intrigues me so much, since I've never felt like I fit anywhere and never felt really understood by others, even close ones. But where I became rather aggressively my very authentic self - anticipating not fitting in but also learning to be okay with that - he became completely private, not sharing anything of himself at all if he doesn't already feel safe and even then second guessing himself constantly. And I feel his pain, because I know it so well. I want to make him feel safe to be himself unconditionally. As a lover or as a friend, I just want to see him happy. Maybe so I know I can be happy as well. I may be projecting to a degree, but I don't think it's a lot. Like recognises like. Now that was an interesting insight. Fascinating how some things seem to fall into place with one sentence.
Do dismissive avoidant women ever come back after years? I was her first boyfriend and I think scared her away with intimacy and commitment. We’ve been no contact for two years. But I still miss and love this woman daily. I hope I could one day hear from her again, though I know it’s not likely..
Hi. Its sad to hear that you haven’t been able to move on completely and enjoy your life with someone who could be more present while your ex has clearly moved on. I wish you strength !
In my (small) experience, avoidant people never initiate. They don't believe they are worthy of your love so they self sabotage their relationships. In your case this woman probably thought you stopped caring for her since you haven't reached out in 2 years even if she was the one who pushed you away. This is how avoidant people think. To gain their trust I think you have to show them that you will never leave their side no matter what.
@@yasoru I agree! And also it's important to set boudaries, and healthy boudaries are more internal than external and they sound like "I am worthy, I should not feel scared of abandonment or rejection. Ifelt that fear when I was a child and for good reasons. What I am feeling today is a once healthy coping mechanism that has no more place today, so I need to reassure myself (NOT SEEKINK REASSURANCE FROM OUTSIDE) that I am lovable, I am loved and that I am worthy. I can then communicate/relate with him/her from a place of calm and serenity, and in case he/her is panicking, I can be stable, strong and step back for a few hours to calm down and get back into the relationship from a higher space, a more secure space"
Thank you so much Briana for all the work you do and for sharing it! Your delivery and content speaks to me much more then other coaches/therapists i have listened to. It is helping so much in discovering my path :)
I've been anxious for a long time, but then I because the avoidant one. So I guess i'm fearful avoidant. I can recognise both of the partner in this situation. Being the avoidant one made me be more compassionate to my past avoidant partner. Now I understand. But it doesn't mean it's more easy now tho 😅
In that 24 hr scenario, instead of her pointing out the passing of the 24 hrs without a phone call and cutting it off without an acknowledgment of how that triggered her feelings from childhood what would have been the better thing for her to do? It's no fun always being the one who is feeling undervalued and not receiving outward signs of caring.
Thank you for posing your question. I’m sure many others would be interested in this. I have included some recommendations for how to communicate with avoidant partners. As well as some additional information on the topic. Avoidant and Anxious Relationship Struggles: How to Spot the Trap ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-C9Mr3R_Ykbg.html Avoidant Partners: 5 Surprising Triggers to Avoid and What To Say Instead ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-Pt7oHM0ETlw.html LIVE Q&A: 4 Steps to Effective Communication ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-5CEBmfa2LUw.html Live Q&A: Asking For What You Need [Anxious Attachment] ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-ZRXDSqtK7f4.html Expressing Yourself Authentically [Compassionate Communication 3 of 3] ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-RYwLx81_bMI.html 3 Tips For Communicating With An Avoidant Partner ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-QmDTDOqVHqI.html 3 Questions to Ask Before Telling Your Partner About Attachment Styles (Pt.1) ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-YhYmffVbf0g.html 6 Steps Before Educating Your Partner About Attachment Styles (Pt. 2) ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-P6OZxIZfGfY.html I would add, is just because you’re being emotionally honest available, does not mean that this person will respond in kind. Even if someone understands where you’re coming from, it does not necessarily lead to agreement. And, It’s not always safe to be vulnerable; when you observe someone behaving inconsistently or suspiciously in response, that is a sure sign that there is work they need to be doing on themselves and this is not a healthy relationship dynamic for you. This next video will explain how to know when it is safe to be vulnerable and when it is NOT. And when it isn’t safe, it’s time to let it go. 4 Signs it is Safe to Be Vulnerable [Anxious Attachment] ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-1vzLZeOrSs4.html And lastly, this is to help you evaluate if the relationship is serving you or not. I hope it helps. When to Leave A Toxic Relationship, According to Your Chakras ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-604gZk4iIFQ.html Incurably Incompatible Relationships: How To Know For Sure ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-LqtJnZkUVdM.html
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment Wow! I surely didn't expect such a thorough answer! How touching! Thank you for your thoughtful recommendations and your distinctions on when to be and when not to be vulnerable. Sage advice I never got before. Much appreciated!
I’m glad that you find the Content helpful. Yes, thank you for your interest. you can explore private coaching options and a free 30 minute consultation through this link. onlinecourses.brianamacwilliam.com/private-coaching-packages-2024
You have some valid points, however are we led to believe that if say 30% couples have these traits and dynamics within their relationship that the other 70% are across things ? No, not at all, many within that 70% are living in those relationships not speaking up or making waves, probably internally unhappy but not saying anything....both men and women.
I love your content, but for some reason, in your more recent videos your voice has a robotic quality that makes it difficult for me to stay attentive. It’s weird, because in your older videos, this isn’t an issue.
Yes, recognize these core beliefs and flip side way of coping with these beliefs with activating and deactivating strategies between myself (AP) and my avoidant ex.
Your insights and way of explaining attachment injuries are remarkable. I love this new format. Thank you! One question that came up for me while listening to this story is what about if due to the instability and inconsistency of this dynamic continuing contact or staying friends with him was too painful for kay and an impediment for her moving on process? Will her decision of saying she didnt want to be friends (because her interest was romantic and it would be painful) and ceasing contact be a form of not having unconditional regard or be a form cutting the other off? I believe staying connected or having a friendship when is painful is inauthentic and not loving towards yourself and the other as well. And many times another form of unhealthy attachment. Thoughts?
Wow. K's story is my story unfolding right now. So I'll try to answer. I'm a monogamic, sapiosexual empath.. 6 months ago, reached by a fearful avoidant. After a weekend together, she's cancelled dates, ghosted me, and returned today again. So this video comes at the right time. And what you say is along the lines of what I was thinking. I won't sleep with her or marry her now, nor do I want to remain friends but I will not disconnect. I will explain again to her, but not set rules or boundaries, as she seems to have completely forgotten all details, which is hurtful. I'll give her another 6 months, as maybe Covid trauma or maybe something beautiful. I'm learning who I am by being with her, and my spiritual journey will be my reward, whether she finally accepts my proposal or moves on. I feel liberated and what more can anyone ask for?
@@realmext2241 how do you know she doesn’t have other issues? People with BPD do this as well... devalue/idealize. Come and go because they have the approach avoidance conflict inside. They want connection but also fear abandonment and rejection (they self sabotage and reject themselves)
@@SK-no2pp thanks, and the answer is I don't My focus has shifted from everything being about my relationship to her, and it's now my life journey and I learn a lot about my self in the way I handled each disappearance. First time was hyperanxiety, this time it's quiet acceptance. So I'm growing. Hope this makes sense.
@@realmext2241 of course, I do the same. I ask what is it about myself that keeps me hooked and engaged in this dynamic which essentially makes me sad?
@@SK-no2pp Thanks. Great to hear from you. I used to believe I'm cursed - 3 relationships, all grew deep and then failed. Now I think I'm lucky to have experiences that help me reflect, grow. I don't have to hurt someone to feel happy..
my ex is a fearful avoidant but more dismissive and introvert but he used to show his vunerable side, would cry infront of me do PDA constantly tell me he loves/loved me look into my eyes when having sex always kissing and cuddling me but yet there were times he would say he doesnt want sex, he doesnt want to kiss me its making him feel smothered wouldnt stay over more then 1 time a week or 1 time every 2 weeks, a handful of times in 9 months he would stay 2/5 nights in a row but then he would want to leave he was fun loving but also told me throughout he suffers from depression he would have days when he didnt want to talk to me, broke up with me 4 times in 9 months but would pull me back in hours/days, this time he has been hot and cold since our breakup but has now said not to message anymore as its making him feel bad he knows i love him to bits but i dont know what to do, he said b4 he is in love with me but wants to have kids with someone near his age even tho i could have kids and we couldnt get on any better when we are together and i mean we were totally ourselves and laugh till our bellys hurt and he admits that too so i am just stumped it just hurts that someone who can love u so much can be ok with cutting u out of their life even tho u are a really good nice person to them, i feel like im sat here broken and he is obviously alright as he can just leave i fought for him and told him i accept him fully for who he is, i know how good we are together but im guessing as he wants nothing to do with me he cant see that :( he hasnt even said he wants to be friends its like he fell in love with me and then is just like "right thats enough of you being nice to me bye"
Omg, Britney, it's like you told my story. My ex and me broke up 2 weeks ago. He's also fearful avoidant and I'm anxious open hearted and our relationship has had exactly the same characteristics as yours and I feel exactly like you described. I messaged him something random 4 days after we broke up and he answered me almost immediately. I'm doing no contact until Christmas and I'm using this time trying to to understand him better, and trying to also heal my anxious attachment style and I know he's also working on himself. As far as I know these unhealthy attachment styles are triggered by childhood traumas and we'll never manage to have healthy relationships until we heal and learn to deal with them. I'd love to have another chance with him and I hope he'll come back because now I will know better how to deal with the situation, but if he doesn't come back, at least I will know what my flaws are and how I can prevent my next relationship from failing. It's not that they don't love us, it's just that they're afraid of getting hurt and of having their independence taken away. I hope this helps a little and may both of us find fulfillment in our relationships! Let's stay strong! Much love
Ugh, me too! We broke up two months ago, haven’t spoken since the breakup and I’ve been pretty miserable but feeling a bit more like myself slowly but surely. But we’ve been on and off for almost 3 years and this year we finally really gave it a shot. He’s the best! Affectionate, respectful, loving, hilarious and a good man. But he just kept pushing me away after about 6/7 months and and at month 9 we had a fight and he just avoided us talking to the point where he didn’t want to see me in person and was willing to talk to me over the phone and was just cold, as if he had all these feelings he had held back and called me cold and said he didn’t want to be in a relationship that was so hard, he didn’t want to do the work to make it better and he didn’t see himself with me anymore - so I felt like I had no choice but to break up with him. And I question myself whether I messed up but he hasn’t reached out and I feel like if he wanted to be with me he would. So I’m moving on and trying to leave this dynamic. We are two FAs and I become anxious and he avoidant and we do this dance, I’m emotionally exhausted from it but I am still in love with him. And I keep trying to figure out why we BOTH go back. And if I’m ready to leave this toxic dynamic, he wasn’t bad I think the dynamic in itself is toxic but we were kind and never disrespected each other. I just think it’s sad when two people can’t get it together but really love each other.
@@oanaflavia7972 awww did u have the push and pulls? ive never broken up with him hes always done it, mine has no idea about attachment but i also dont think him being introverted and depressed helps, i honestly dont think he will come back :( and yes i really do believed he loved/loves me no1 can act that good lol, but like i said its really hurting me how he can look me in the eyes 2 weeks ago when we were in bed telling me that but then now not wanting anything to do with me and telling me to leave him alone basically isnt he? im really glad you are working on yourself but i bet like me you are just a kind person with a big heart, i keep driving myself crazy thinking he has found someone else and its making me really ill i keep getting dizziness and chest pains its not good x
@@greciarojas7265 i lean fearful aswell but because 70% of the time he was dismissive it always triggered me being anxious, i told him the safer i feel in a r/ship the more i can let go i.e texts less not mind if he cant see me 1 week etc but because he was breaking up with me so much or he would be fantastic for 2 weeks then go back to i dont want to talk today i was always in that anxious state, ive had horrible anxiety attacks the last 7 months of our relationship and im feeling quite ill and affected by it, if he would just stay in his loving sweet way that he does for 30% of the time (not constantly as i know thats not realistic) then the relationship would be amazing im sorry you are going through it aswell and i cant believe u havnt heard a peep in 2 months? so im guessing i should assume mine is gone for good as he said not to message anymore as it makes him feel horrible? him saying that tho makes me feel he has someone else but i dont know for sure we never argued the whole time and i only treated him really nicely, as an FA yourself do u think that at least stands in my favour to hear from him again? i really dont know what to do thing is him saying for me to stop and no more you would think he would block me if he was really done but he hasnt as i guess i wasnt being nasty or shouting at him i was just upset and crying
@@itsbritneybitch69 just focus on you. This relationship wasn’t working for you either. Give him the space and room to miss you. And if he comes back or not, that’s not the point even though that’s all we want. We are good and kind hearted people and we deserve someone that shows up and does the work with us. If that’s not our past partners, then we move on. I’m not quite ready to date date again but I’m hopeful I can be happy with or without him and that’s my plan. And I encourage you to do that too. Stop messaging him, even if he hasn’t blocked you. These dynamics are very hard, even for them. And so I don’t want a partner who has unhealthy traits and I don’t want to be a partner with unhealthy traits, I don’t want to hurt or push my partners away and I know being anxious is doing that to some degree - so that tells me I have to go back and work on me. Hope this helps.
Exactly he wants to be free, so she should leave him alone... Kay won't be able to control a narcissist.. He has no empathy for her and he wants to keep that control... She exploded and gave him fuel.. After having a narcissist mother, the last thing she needs is someone like Eddie... This story was interesting..
I happened upon a woman on an app. She's kind of a rolling stone and I'm more anxious working towards earned secure. Too many secrets, pulling away, ghosting, lying, and more. Yes, took her back 2x. Yet, if you asked her she'll tell you she took me back. Rollercoaster highs and lows, and I kept leaving the door open because of my feelings for her, and the potential I am saw in blending our two families. We had a good deal in common interests wise, etc.
I’m also an open heart and I’m dealing with the same thing. I really do need consistency, communication, integrity, and honesty. We are all worthy of true love. Good luck
@@hcoop5251 Yes, maybe we need to build our own app or service. Have people take a quiz and bounce the imposters! Yes, we are all worthy, and deserve healthy relationships. Key is finding someone willing to be open with communication, reciprocate, and willing to work at the relationship when things go sideways vs running to the next person in line. Not rocket science.
@Aisha Naushahi ... I am not a professional, and there's likely much more to the relationship than what you have vulnerable shared. Maybe these questions will help you? I believe you mentioned being a "rolling stone", what type is he? Based on his type have you viewed Briana's videos for that style specifically about why they would pull away? How to communicate with them? What they need? Why wait for him? Is the need to wait for him identifying a "need, vulnerability, or core wound" in you that needs attention or healed? Clearly you care deeply for him. 🙏☮🤗 We all need and get to grieve after a break up. Do you just need time and space? Do you meditate? Journal? Word is, if you release and let him go, and its meaning to be, energetically he will come.back to you on his own. Energetically, what ever he is dealing with, no matter how genuine / real / authentic etc. your feelings and intentions are? He will continue to feel pressured and resist more and more. Opposite of what you desire. What if you focused on you, others, self care, and your purpose for now? Are you comfortable "doing you" outside of a relationship? Still releasing him, and not actively dating right now? Divine guidance and timing? Open yourself up to receive what you want when it shows up? I jumped into a new relationship too quickly. It too moved too fast. So many things were good and right, yet it felt inauthentic, phony, and I experienced guilt cuz I had not fully released the former. Know that you have it within you to make a "good decision".Wish you well. 🦋
@Briana Eddie is a DA and she's an FA. She lays down stipulations and blows up, then blocks him, not wanting to be friends? Totally FA. It's the DA that randomly disappears and offers friendship when things go south, and hates arguing and confrontation. He might have some FA tendencies and she may lean AP, but I (FA) have lived this through with a DA.
So someone who is dismissive avoidant, would probably walk away from the situation, and never show up again. It sounds like you are experiencing a relationship with two fearfully avoidant people. Thank you for sharing your experience.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment My experience? No, my ex was DA. Never apologized, friends with all his exes, doesn't like uncomfortable conversations, disappears for a few days, doesn't show extreme emotions and has literally no friends. I believe my brother, mother, a few of my friends, and another ex that keeps coming back are all FAs like me. We are not like DAs.
Its really quite simple Even though eloquently communicated. Suspend all judgment n emotion n love grow flow comunicate n respond with kindness n respect
