Trauma informed potty training considerations for foster parents 

Great point! thanks for adding this in!

Right. Also, sometimes kids get wet for other reasons; for example, when my brother was in preschool, he accidentally splashed some water on his pants while playing at the water table, and his teachers thought he'd had a bathroom accident. He was only three or four then, but he was embarrassed that they didn't believe him when he told them what had really happened.

Yep, it’s not so abstract, and focuses on the current physical state, not something that they did :)

my sister wet the beds until she was 12 years old, couldn't control her peeing in public until she was 8. this was all due to (sexual) abuse and I couldn't really help her as a big sister. my parents were both abusive or absent drug addicts, so it was very difficult to grow up like that.

Though I just want to add if the child has dealt with SA (namely if the child is female) you might want to try to find some different phrasing.

Literally it makes me almost mad how people assume todd's and preschoolers are stupid and can't understand things when you explain to them in a digestible way. I get weird looks when I tell parents the #1 way to prevent child SA is early age appropriate sex ed and proper anatomical knowledge."this is this, that is that, grown ups do grown up things with them, that's JUST for grown ups, but here's how we go potty and take care of ours, and no one should ever touch you or make you touch them in any way, (consent consent consent etc)" it increases the number of cases actually reported because children can better identify when something is inappropriate.

@Charlie Re: "medically accurate language" People NEED TO make SURE that they are NOT calling the parts we can see on a female the vagina. The vagina is internal. The vulva or the labia are external.

I remember back when my daughter, A, was 3, I was on the phone with a friend, L, who also had a daughter, M, who was ~3 (she was ~4 months younger than my daughter). L was relaying to ME a conversation that SHE had been a part of talking about how we can't teach our children "cutesy" or "code" words for their genitalia in case they need to make a report. She said, "Like if a little girl was taught to call it her "kitty," and she went to her teacher and said,"My uncle pets my kitty whenever my mommy and daddy aren't home," then the teacher is going to assume that she means that the uncle legitimately pets 🫳🐈 the cat." I said, "I get where you're coming from, and I 1,000% agree with you. BUT. A, all by herself, no idea where she came up with it other than it makes logical, toddler sense, came up with the EXACT. SAME. NAMES. for her parts that I called mine. "Front butt," and "Back butt." If she comes up and tells ANYONE that someone was touching her butt, I don't give a 🤬 whether she means her front OR her back."

​@@stephaniecarlin4703 the front butt! Lol that is honestly a great name for it. I remember being that age and asking my parents what the heck was the extra opening between the pee and poo holes, and them just looking panicked and telling me I was wrong, there was no third opening, even as I continued to insist that yes there was another one! Literally denying the existence of vaginas because they were embarrassed

​@@Flanneryschickens bruh they tried to gaslight you to not have a vagina 💀 so goofy

Yes! I don’t take any pictures period aside for their life books and the book is just for them. I never post anything on social media or send text out. I’ve had to many have past trauma with photos and want to let them have their privacy.

Yes. I can't help but think of all the children going for job interviews and having pictures or videos of them on the potty pop up in their background check. It's not ok for any child much less those who have already experienced some kind of trauma.

Thank you! This reinforces my choice not to take photos of my children naked. It always felt strange and uncomfortable for me. More so because you don't know what other people can do with it if your cell phone gets stolen or your account hacked.

It’s also good to create that family rule so that children keep devices away from parents and siblings who are showering or getting changed 😊

i didn't even know this was a thing people did so often it needs to be said, what a horrible idea for so many reasons...

There are no words for how sorry I am or how unjust that is. I truly hope that you have a good life now, that you have found peace and happiness and healing. And yes, this woman is wonderful and makes so much helpful content that is healing for the inner child- bless her soul.

i’m glad you’re finding some healing :)) you deserve all the love and safety in the world :’)

I am so so sorry thst happened to you. I hope you and your inner child a healthy recovery.

Let your inner child get a hug from mine, if they wish to! I know what you've been through! If they can hate me for no reason I can love for no reason. Love you, sis, keep going, no matter how hard it is..and damn do I know how hard it gets. ❤

Hugs and bugs sib❤🐜

@Begonia Of course! You’re not doing anything wrong at all, I promise :) While it may not work for you, I would at least suggest looking into pelvic floor therapy! It’s a type of physical therapy that focuses on the muscles in control of urination & defecation. It was super helpful for me, both physically and mentally. Might be worthwhile to check out, even if it just helps you learn that there are a lot of people out there that struggle with wetting themselves! We aren’t alone :D

@@sharpie-sniffingmanpurse3711 Pelvic floor therapy is something that every person with a vagina should do! People tend to be prone to bladder leaks in old age, so pelvic floor training when you're still young can actually help prevent age-related bladder leaks! And I'll be honest I've had some leaks myself just from particularly violent sneezes.

@@begonia1090dude i was so embarrassed growing up because id wet my pants at school so often, probably an undiagnosed adhd thing - getting caught up in an activity and not realizing i have to go until i have to go. leaks are still something i deal with occasionally, but its good to know there are such nice people out there who have dealt/deal with a similar thing :)

My little cousin started to have accidents and a fear of bathrooms around 8 or 9 (she is now 17) and she JUST started showering again regularly. I've tried to talk to her about it and shared my story of SA & mainly didn't want her to say something she didn't want to me, but I wanted to make sure no one in her house was actively hurting her. She wouldn't tell me anything unfortunately but maybe one day I'll be able to be there for her. It breaks my heart

​@jojobeanstudio1339❣️🙏🏻❣️😭

I agree, panties is kind of an icky word

i only use underwear/underpants because of the personal connotations ❤

I’d agree. It’s not a common word in my part of the world, so it reminds me of sleazy guys in American movies. Underwear or underpants is more universal. Or the casual ‘undies’ in Australia.

@@windybeach2184 Aussie too. Undies is just so seamless (lol) sounding. And it’s actually quite cute when you’re thinking about the word like I did when I started typing this 😂 “Panties” is just, nah

@@windybeach2184 i don’t really know why exactly but only mothers and and creepy (usually older) dudes use the word panties, the dichotomy is so weird. i’ve never heard a peer say panties unless it was for comedic effect

haha thanks for noticing :)

I also thought that was absolutely perfect😁

I just caught on to this!!!

Autistic person here :) glad you found a way that works, always remember to listen to the older kids and don’t talk down to us

I went to a daycare as a kid and if you had accidents, they actually brought your friends into the bathroom while you're being cleaned up and have them help shame you for wetting yourself.

​@@buradi90That daycare is horrible. That's how you make bullies.

@@FluffyEclairs That was just one of many bad things they did at that daycare.

Autistic kids aren't more likely tohave accidents. Our brains are different in social and biological ways, not like that. They either had intense trauma or they were intellectually disabled and no one bothered to diagnose them

Thank you! I had an accident the other day, (Thank you body, you're a d*ck). We just laughed it off by her saying, "Sat in wet grass my ass. You sprung a leak!"

As someone who has peed myself laughing before (I was a teen), it definitely happens lol. Especially since asking to go to the bathroom at school was such a pain

Having accidents are not associated with ADHD. Only if its comorbid

​@@rebeccawest3608 isn't it? Most google results say there is at least a correlation and from personal experience as an ADHD person i can say I pissed my pants a lot back in pre-school. Mostly because i was way too hyperfocused on playing to stop and go to the toilet. Only really stopped because I got good at holding it in. That's a bad habit I'm only unlearning now as an adult. It was actually something I brought up as an example durring my diagnosis.

​@@rebeccawest3608 It's not like, a symptom, but it can sometimes be a side effect of symptoms. Same thing for autism, it's not a symptom, but symptoms can cause it to happen. These conditions don't cause incontinence but they can cause people to not realise they have to go until too late, or put it off too long.

totally agree- also it can trigger a child who potentially has been abused :(

I completely agree with not taking pictures of kids in the bath or in privacy situations like that but I have a question. When you said that it's best to not take pictures of children in swim suits, do you mean like bikini type ones? Or do you mean swim suits in general? I'm just wondering if it would be a bad idea to take pictures of my kids at a water park or pool setting. If it turns out not to be the best idea to do so, it would be great to know!

@@audreyhimes9278 if you are taking them for your own viewing, that is fine - just don't post any on the internet for all the world to see and do with them as they please. There are many pedophiles out there who would love to see pictures of little children :-(

@@emmib1388 Thanks for explaining.

​@@emmib1388 yeah looking back I had a LOT of naked pictures, terrifying now that I'm older (they are innocent pictures usually of baths or playing in a kiddie pool, though some I was way older than probably normal. like 7-8 and still playing naked and getting pictures taken) none were posted, thankfully

Oh my gosh, i was awful at asking to use the restroom at peoples houses when i was younger. I absolutely hated when i asked "may i use your restroom?" and ppl would sarcastically/fake rudely reply "NO!" I do not find that funny. Before i learned how to socialize normally, i wouldnt know when to interrupt conversation to say/ask about using the bathroom. Now that im adult it's easier. But wow this unlocked some rather uncomfortable memories!!!

@@BuriedTeeth Aghhh, other people’s houses - I had two friends whose mums knew me from birth, and so knew to be discreet/not make jokes if I ended up wet (or if it was a big blowout, it was “no bigs, let’s get you in the tub, so you’re clean, and then warm towel, then dry/clean clothes.”) and always, always made sure I could quietly call one of my parents if I was feeling upset. Anyone else’s house, it was a gamble. Like, I think the attempt was made to make sure I knew that sometimes these things happen, but it didn’t really land. And yeah, just point me at the bathroom, and don’t be weird about it when I ask - but I guess that isn’t entirely universal (could it please be, though? It should never be a joke when someone is asking to use the bathroom!). The tough thing too was that I *very* much prefer to just, you know, use the toilet when it’s needed. And I felt like this meant I’d failed toilet training, which, god, poor little me 🥺 It took until high school, but I gradually was able to advocate a bit more for myself (and, well, puberty forced my hand a bit on that one 🫣), and even occasionally advocate for others (one of my friends in middle/high school had an overactive, spasmic bladder, and so ended up with wet pants often - it was nice to not be alone, whatever the reason - and if one of us needed to sneak out to pee (or change clothes) during class/conversations/whathaveyou, the other would distract as necessary. Oddly, by the time I graduated, I was usually the one speaking up for literally anyone being harassed about needing to go to the bathroom - like, I don’t care if she asked 3 minutes ago to go to the bathroom, if she’s asking to go again, maybe just let her? Just so many reasons why someone might need to go to the bathroom frequently, and 95% of them aren’t the vandalism that teachers and principals seem to think it is. My mum was a nurse, so I would literally just start listing off graphic medical reasons, until the person was allowed to go. And now I’m 38, and have digestive issues that flared the heck up at 21, and generally cannot be ignored, so now I’ll ask anyone where the bathroom is with ease (mental ease, digestive not-so-much 😆). (Thank you for your comment - again, it’s just so nice when someone gets something you thought you were alone in. 🤗)

​@@XenonTetrafluoridepuberty also forced my hand, but I'm sure it was good for me. I wouldn't use the bathroom at school all day-I would just hold it. I don't know if it was trauma based or anxiety based. Once I got my period in middle school I would have to use the bathroom. I'm in my 30s now and the people I'm closest with know I'll be more comfortable if we make extra stops and I know where the bathroom is. I have an anxious bladder now.

I wish I did this or had people like that around me.

​@@XenonTetrafluoride hmmm, nah, I don't think it's odd that you ended up being the one to advocate for literally anyone if they asked to use the restroom by the time you graduated - you'd gone a hugely sensitive and vulnerable chunk of your life feeling unable to/uncomfortable with asking for the the ability to go deal with a basic biological necessity, that it seems only natural to me that you'd stick up for others that, for whatever reason, might not feel comfortable/able to ask, or may have received a problematic response

I'm amazed you would even have to tell someone that but obviously this is enough of a thing that you have to.

yes it may seem obvious but some people do it - i hope they consider stopping

On the material points: there are bedcovers you can put under the sheets, some are so well made you wouldn't even know that these are made for that occasions. I used to do two layers of that. Cover, Bedsheets, Cover, Bedsheets. So if it gets wet you just pull off the first layer and they can immediately return to bed if they wish. There are pants that work incredibly well to catch nightly water. Many of them are in a style of a super normal looking underwear. Just think of a similar thing like period panties. You can offer them and explain them and lay it into their room so they can choose if they put it on and if they let you know or not. If they're using period pads it's not that good for them to have them on on a daily /nightly basis because the homeostasis of their genitals can be disturbed by not letting any air flow through. Teach them (if needed ofc) how to take care of their genitals if they struggle and offer some really good creams to have them in their room to give them ease or protection, maybe you'll add some medical gloves besides. You could ask if they want you to wake them up to send them to the toilet. And of course.. Ask them if they have any preferences, fears, dislikes and that's absolutely okay for you if it happens (avoid saying "no problem" it focuses on "problem") Just a few tips from a nurse. You're awesome!

​@@Schrumpelkartoffel this advice seems so helpful for handling menstruation accidents too. I stained my fair share of bedsheets and even a mattress or two...would have been nice to have sensible solutions, instead of feeling like I had to hide it

​@Flanneryschickens an excellent addition to an already amazing set of suggestions

Adding on to the other comments, I would see about getting tide pods or similar since they're easy, and teaching them how to use the washer and dryer. Make it clear that you don't mind washing it for them if they would prefer, and you make no judgment either way, but many may feel better if they can handle washing and drying it on their own. Not only does it give them more control over the situation, it allows them to hide it a bit more if they feel more comfortable not letting it be known, and it gives them a way to take care of the situation in an "adult" way, which some kids need if having an accident feels "childish" to them. Being self sufficient can be a way to counteract the feelings associated with having a "childish" problem. I learned that as a camp counselor who had a 10yo wet the bed and insist on cleaning it up largely on her own.

I know this is late but I wet the bed till I was thirteen and the crinkly protection covers really made me feel horrible so if you can find a non crinkly one that would help.

I used them for heavy periods not bladder issues, but ecoable has comfortable and quiet cloth pull-ups that go through adult sizes.

I recommend using period underwear or bladder underwear if possible. I've been so ashamed of my bladder issues for years that I just ask for those and act like it'd just easier sometimes than having a pad.

Many period pants say that they can also handle urine. Some of them come in gender neutral styles too. I recommend Fluxies for being discreet, comfortable and absorbent. I've just looked at their website and they have teen ones and also incontinence specific ones.

@hannahk1306 the issue we have found with period underwear, they have a waterproof, read plastic, lining that sometimes makes a crinkle sound, like those plastic overpants for cloth diapers. My daughter was immediately self-conscious that people could hear it.

​@@cynthiaandvernMy Thinx period underwear doesn't have any plastic! Not sure how well it would absorb larger amounts of urine, but should handle smaller leaks at least. Definitely better than nothing.

I hadn't think about the "no comment about the smell" My mom and trandma used to maje a funny comment (I didn't understand why it was funny, I still don't, but I understood it was indeed funny so it idn't bother me): "it doesn't smell like roses!" Trigger points are hard to spot when you had a good chilhood...

Wtf is "regular kids"?

oh god, would the parents/guardians show you the pictures? if so that’s so gross of them 😖

Agreed! Also bath pictures!!!! Just no.

I can see how parents may not think anything of it, but yeah. Maybe not something to do. And especially not something to post online.

This song and "potty like a rockstar" ....same time as that 2009ish song "Party like a Rockstar"

Sounds like full house lol except those 3 men are nefarious creeps in real life

You are essentially making it very obvious that you want him to use the toilet and are happy to help him. It's easy for him to read you cause you are expressing it in an obvious way. That and likely, no one has been mad at him while using that tone. As well as the fact that he trusts you

@@Alice-si8uz So I found out that he did use to get yelled at a lot for anything and everything so much to the point where he just wouldn’t ask for anything anymore and it led him to have something called C-ptsd. Unlike regular ptsd there isn’t 1 big traumatic moment in your life that clings to you and stays in your mind but instead there’s multiple little moments or small things that are repetitive and have happened so many times it’s traumatizing. Him also being there from such a young age his mind has tried to block it all out.. I’m so glad he’s better now he’s such a sweet kid.

This woman is honeslty amazing at what she does!

Even "honoring/celebrating" the milestone doesn't have to involve pictures on the potty. Taking a pic of them recieving their first set of "big kid underwear," tossing their old diapers/pull-ups, or printing out some kind of "certificate of achievement" to hold up, all seem like they'd make for better/less embarrassing/traumatizing picture opportunities. Still not something to share to social media as they're still children unable to consent to sharing that, but not a bad addition to an early childhood photo album. And of course, *not* taking any kind of pic for it is 100% okay too, even if you want to do some kind of "milestone ceremomy." I've heard of one family that told their potty-training daughter that "diapers aren't allowed at Disney" and planning a trip when she graduated to big kid underwear. I'd say that's not a good option for a kid who has experienced trauma, of course, or has medical issues, but that kid was so proud to be a "big kid" and go to Disney.

The most messed up part of this is that her channel is targeted towards helping foster parents. No child should be photographed in situations like bathing or toiling, but a foster parent is caring for the child on behalf of the state... it's not their child to take a photo of.

In my mind, there's definitely a balance between seeking consent and letting kids have control and also making sure their needs are met. You wouldn't just let a kid stay up as late as they want or do whatever they want all day? That would be terrible for their physical and mental well-being. While it's important for kids to learn that it's okay to say no to things, it's also important for children to understand that there are times when someone does something that's not harmful (key point) even though they don't want it. There's also an important word that goes with consent especially in the medical setting. 'Informed' aka has the person made the decision while understanding what the decision means. Does a two year old really understand that not having their nappy changed will cause them to get a rash, maybe even an infection? Some might, but they likely aren't even thinking about that... Understanding that things people just expect to happen aren't necessarily something they have to protect themselves from is important. Kids do need to learn that it's okay to trust people. Might you this should also be taught in the context of children also that it's okay to say no to things if they don't auctually need to happen. But letting a kid say no to you all the time can the opposite effect where the child can end up uncooperative and even defiant. They can end up thinking everything is only about them and what they want or don't want. Children like that have trouble getting along with others and struggle to make friends or get along with adults. Bear in mind kids who adults don't like can tend to have less opportunities thej children seen as more likeable. Anyway that's my 2 cents. I'm sure you'll figure out what works for your family situation.

Do cishet people even know what children are?

hi! since you couldn’t be bothered to read, this is an informational video for foster parents who are housing traumatized/abused children who need special care.

@@cbh4166 Hi, so kind of you to also not understand my point. I'm well aware of what the video was, thank you. My point is when is it ever ok to take pictures of children going to the bathroom? Maybe I'm alone in this but at no point should a child be viewed as a photo-op when they are in a compromised position. I get what's being shown is what not to do in this specific case, but why would it be ok in any other situation? Have a nice day, and maybe next time try not insulting the intelligence of people for simply commenting on a video.

@@skarinblackraven9212o I think they are just confuse because you didn’t @ the person your mad at. So they assumed your talking about the video. There isn’t view of the child in the video. So I assume you are talking to a commenter. 🤷‍♀️ It kinda hard to read what you mean when all we see is new conversation that already on the third act and we can’t look back on the conversation to see what your yelling at. But that might me projecting with my experiences of reading RU-vid comments. 😂

@@ChasePoppingPixels What irked me is the idea that parents or fosters would take pictures of a child in a vulnerable position, such as using a toilet. My comment was more directed to the idea that it had to even be said in the first place, that's all. I do see where you're coming from though and how it can be confusing.

​@@cbh4166 Your rudeness was unnecessary.

I always wonder in a case like this, if you've asked for consent, what you do if you don't get consent. You can't leave them in soiled underwear all day.

:)

It's really common in some cultures and back during the 70s-90s. They take pictures of kids in any position. Bathing too. Toilet is a no-no imo. But any pictures that are taken should under no circumstances be posted online.

@@TheDragonSeer I'm well aware of people taking pictures of their kids bathing in the sink or the bathtub from the 70s and even into the early 2000s but I've never heard of anyone taking pictures of the kids on the toilet

Also they might be triggered by the word "panties" as mentioned in another comment, and "undies" is less likely to have sexual connotations

Ugh so awful

Oh gosh 😮😢

I was just going to say the same thing. You are so calm and reassuring and make them feel more relaxed.