@@mores5780it is unbearable. Once you see it you can't unsee it, and it fucking SUCKS. I find looking at it from these angles really helps the development of self compassion, self forgiveness, and self love. It explains why people with cptsd get stuck in this cycle despite not wanting too and trying to change it. I've realized that I'm not a screw up like I grew up being told. I was a severely abused, traumatized child that grew into an abused and traumatized adult. Our behaviours are motivated by biology and the need to survive moreso than choice. You don't know what you don't know!
❤sending love to you for your own strength in loving yourself and taking one day at a time finding a group like Tims group for support. Pete Walker’s book may be a help for you. CPtsd.
I used Art,.drawing,.doodlimg, abstract painting writing down my what I could.remember leading to.revealing so.much about myself.I had no idea about. Art.enables.the child.within to express.themselves if.we.allow.ourselves.to be spontaneous, and not.expecting perfection from what comes.our of the creative.process,.gives.the child.within.a.way to.express what they could.not, or.express.what we.have no.words.for. Revealing our fears and helping us to.reconnect.with the authentic self. When we right there is no conscious interuptions,.interference, where we when we speak.we.are.conscious of what others are.thinking of us, what we say,.we keep.a.lot back for.fear.of.rejection, or.ridicule. Writing down cts.straight to the subconscious and then he is no filter, only ourselves.preventing us from reliving those.painful.experiences.us the adults, we need to.come to the realisation.the it we not us the endured all that.suffering, it.was.the child.the little girl,.or.little.boy that we were, an and we the adult have a responsibility to go back me help the child.we.we're to process what they stored up.in the body, our house got full of dark.stagnant waters in the water sytem, and the rooms in our house are.filled.with rubbish, the foundations.rotten, what child.soul.that js.light/love/life.would.want to.stay in a.house like.that? We need to choose.to.reopen our hearts door and let the Light frequency of the Living Creator.back in, so.the light of true.knowledge.can begin the cleaning up.process, activating the Living Word in.our DNA to touch out all the dark dank stormy water's and replacing them with clean crystl.waters giving us eyes to.see, and helping us to.recover.the lost memories stored in their first pages of our book of life, so.we.can process.them, rising the body of the stored up.energy created by the experience unexpressed. "There is no rainbow in the soul when there are no tears" Quote by a native Indian Under those murky waters and the mud.is hidden treasure, gifts and talents laying dormant, treasure is never found on the surface, we have to.dig to find it. Happy treasure hunting, for the knot treasure worth finding. 😊
Shut upppppp i just told myself the other day there isnt just thre fight flight freeze nahhhh because when i get scared i try to be as kind and sweet as i can and actually interact with what j want to get away from as a form of trying to calm myself and calm environment i was like there isnt only three Fs
@@AiCash-mc8fb I've juat cried out my eyes that I see little chance to be able to have healthy relationships and most probably will be alone for the rest of my life. But I'd never put my hope into ai to relieve my pain and suffering. It's dangerous! You neither, please.
I have 3 out of the 4 trauma responses. Sexually abused by gpa as a kid and severely bullied as a kid. I REALLY needed this today cuz I just flipped out in public yesterday and I do it a lot. My anger has caused me to walk out on ALL my jobs and then I get financially behind. I was addicted to Fentanyl too but God delivered me from that. Everyone tells me to just calm down or take deep breaths but that never ever works for me. Thank you so much for telling me the healthy way to respond because I don’t know how to do it.🙏🏻
I think it's necessary a holistic approach not only breathing exercises. Somatic exercises can help but what I find difficult is finding safe people. Even with someone who has been traumatized, you can trigger each other but what is worse is meeting another narcissist (or worse) because the cover type can hide for a long period of time.
Thanks for sharing. I needed to read that God delivered you from fent.. I have a close person to me that's addicted. They were SA"d also. It feels so powerless and hopeless watching the person you love. I was just crying to God and asking him to help before I read your post. I feel like only God can deliver from something so strong. I hope you're doing well❤
@leahwilliams3618 I'm sorry to hear that but keep having faith they will be delivered. I've been clean 4 years now on March 13th, and yes, it was definitely God! It happens! God Bless You and Yours.
If you been traumatized it could be a long life journey to aware of this and doing therapy. My whole Childhood I was abused physically and emotionally by my mother. Most of Mr. Fletchers Explainations about " how it comes to traumatisatzion" were present in my childhood. Now I am 40 years old and I still sleep with the light on, I don't go in the basement by myself. I am fear that someone catch me from behind Almost every fear Mr. Fletscher mentioned is my daily mind / body business. I went to EMDR for many hours and it went better but it's a long life term after a break for developing myself I have to go again to EMDR. I am thankful that the therapy made me able to be a lovely mommy to my kids and being in a healthy relationship with my husband.
Thank you! This was very helpful in understanding a lot of my past experiences and behaviors. I realize now (at age 47) that eventhough I’d say I’ve healed a lot over the years … I think I only partially healed … I think I did end up getting some good counsel and I learned tools to help me navigate much better in my shame. But I’m realizing after watching a lot of your videos … I need true deep healing to resolve a lot of shame. Then I can be fully healed.
Freeze responder in due to coercive control. Problem Child. Diagnosis: depression & anxiety disorder with panic attacks but I now know it's really C-PTSD.
So glad I found Tim he explains things very simply and clear I am learning So much about myself and have been wanting to understand all these things ..I seem to always CRY to numb my feelings and calm myself down .I cant stop watching him !
I defiently did Flop in school. You are forced to be in school so you cannot run away. And you cannot fight as fighting is against school rules. The teachers did nothing to help and no friends. So that only leaves flop. So you just go silent and try to be invisible so they (bullies) leave you alone. And they ostracize you too so they never ever talk to you except to bully. And the family believed that a "child should be seen and not heard".
Thank you so much. That's true about it starting to kick in over a bit of anxiety. I have major lateness problems now and was supposed to be at a social event ... I had a major attack of the feel bads and ran far far away. How the heck do you ever fix this thing? I feel like I idiotically stood back amd watched my ex suck every last bit of 'give a fk' out of me while I wished he would just love me back properly.
You just put words to two issues i have and continue to have real challenges with. Lateness, anxiety, the ex and all the awful and cruel behavior … eventually created a sense of learned helplessness ( no more desire to give of f***). I guess that’s more than two issues 😮🙃 ❤️✨ on your healing journey
@lydiabisaillon2954 thank you for sharing. Its comforting to not feel alone in it. Isn't it the bizarrest feeling? I can't work out how or why I keep doing it. Shame we can't connect x
@@KiKi-te9ydThere is a book that my daughter's therapist recommended called "The Body Keeps the Score". I haven't read it yet, but most trauma therapists use it. I hope you move forward in your healing.
The narcissist also has a pseudo connection because they are unable to connect too since they can't stand being vulnerable and fear intimacy. They are not trauma bonded but they are most dependent since they need constant fuel from everyone around. They don't see they depend on people because they don't depend on just one person.
Oh this is such good stuff and so helpful and allowing me to admit fully and squarely and willingly that I am not yet ready, and really never have been, for a healthy relationship. Always either fighting, fleeing, freezing or fawning, in the face of dangerous situations, I have tried the nuanced hybrids without having read the book. Have felt so desperate helpless and sometimes hopeless, yet do understand, there is hope and help to be gained when pursuing new territory of expertise, never letting go of the need to give love to my inner child. Right now it is the outside that is insisting I must have a relationship, not recognizing my ability to function just fine on my own. I believe in my own ability to become ready for relationship. I understand the need for time it takes. My plan to work on my show of paintings will allow the time needed for this. I am not embarrassed to admit this need. I've been trying to say this in so many words. Thank you, Dr. Fletcher, Dr. Mate and Pete Walker!
Oh please pause like you do out of respect for those that aren’t Christian to share your Christian part, please use that same consideration to pause and trigger warn before you use such a blunt triggering example as you did right before the 22:00 mark. Love your work and channel so much wanted to make you aware. That felt very invasive to hear and I wasn’t prepared for it. Thank you 🙏
It's better to know than fooling yourself. I have been so heavily gaslit I doubted I was crazy at times but I was just confused and desperate because no matter what I did, nothing will come out right. I'm the scapegoat of my family and I have seen how I have been moving from one F to another and at times I was in learned helplessness. Other periods, severely depressed or I would rise up to resist and fight or flight but never going anywhere due to lack of money and support. I have been harassed since childhood and I couldn't tell a red flag from a deep 🕳️.
This is the first time I’ve heard of the healthy side of the four-F’s as appropriate responses to crisis and danger situations. Incredibly empowering. Responding to danger is necessary. This provides important balance to the conversation.
I'm 4 days post break-up from an extreme fight-freeze man. This whole video has been very helpful unravelling some of the patterns, thank you. Can I please, please ask for some deeper research before you put people with borderline personality disorder into the same bucket as aggressive NPD types. I'm in remission from BPD and have never had anger issues nor aggression, not ever. Your videos are wonderful, it's a shame to add to the inaccurate stereotypes about BPD that are rampant online.
I believe that what people call quite BPD is just CPTSD with extreme disregulation. I don't trust that diagnosis especially because it is very suspicious that most of them are women. That should bring a light about how women are so abused in any group: family, work, society and health care systems.
BPD without anger? Not even a little bit? Did you research and maybe wonder if you were misdiagnosed. I tought i was bpd until a few years. Turns out im autistic and my anger and disregulation was a mix of an autistic meltdown and trauma.
@@Lyrielonwind my bestfriend was diagnosed as having quiet BPD. But in conversation she expressed she can become angry. She describes it as being turned inward except of being expressed externally. I am also aware every individual is very different even within the same diagnosis. Thanks for providing further input and info. I like to understand psychological matters. Its been very helpful for me
@@etcwhatever Neurotypical get angry sometimes. Anger exist so we can rebel when being treated unfairly. Another thing is getting angry for whatever unexpected things come up and spoil our plans and efforts. People with CPTSD also get anger outbursts and I have read so many comments about people being misdiagnosed with BPD, besides being demonized. Like every disorder, there's a spectrum and I'm not a psychologist but for me is very suspicious that most people diagnosed with BPD are women. That means either there's a bias or patriarchy makes women crazy due to the abuse we endure and people considered "normal". Picasso is admired and considered a genius but you know how he looked at women? He said we are "suffering machines". You can Google how many women he destroyed and they were not "common" women. They were artists or somehow outstanding women for that time but that malignant narcissist needed them to become his suffering machines. It's just awful 😞 I guess is not easy being a man but I know for sure is not easy being a woman. Even in the medical field we don't get the same amount of painkillers than men. We have to endure pain while being considered the "weak gender". It's an oxymoron. Nice chatting with you 😌
I too enjoy this setting better than the ‘on stage’ setting because your voice no longer sounds as if you are shouting. It’s easier on the ears and psyche. Thanks for your invaluable information. I’m a trauma survivor and after years of work - consider myself fairly ok! 😂. But what an uphill battle - and then most of us have to deal with the abusive family member/s most of our lives. Ugh. I maintain limited contact and on occasion I do have to calmly leave. No drama - I just leave with a matter of fact voice. It feels so good to leave - to have the ability to remove myself from abuse - because I couldn’t as a child.
Gillian chrisman Projecting his voice is not shouting. Wish more would learn to do that. Pastors just usually ignore me when I say I cant hear them They dont even attempt to raise their voice. I wear 2 hearing aids but still struggling and lost one recently.
I'm wondering if I can have just a healthy friendship. It's so hard to connect in this hyper individualistic world and IT (information technology) is making it much worse. In Japan a whole bunch of young people live in isolation.
Hey Tim!! YOU ROCK, BROTHER! Christ DEF put you in my life! Praying for you! I LOVE your show! I have CPTSD --so much Trauma Christ has freed me of as a child! And now I am watching your show to learn more to help me heal more and help more people with my show!! Curious, do you always plan to do the show the same length? It always works out perfectly! It's always like 53-55 minutes! ha ANYWAY TYSM !!! Praying for you! my name is LIberty! Happy Resurrection Day!
I didn't realise but i did the pleade and appease with my mum. I walked away from her in my late 20s for 13 years and it took me a long time to realise that all mum's opinions were my opinions, all her likes and dislikes were my likes and dislikes. I hadn't heard any of this psychology stuff but years later said i had a very parasitic relationship with mum and now i see and understand why! It took such a long time to know what i liked, what i disliked, what opinions i had and even now i struggle with this and wonder if it's my opinion or mum's. It makes me sad to understand how confused i was, how desperately i wanted her acknowledgement, love, attention, kindness and acceptance and i didn't get it until we reconciled 2 years before she died. Also, i had the freeze response when my nana and auntie susan died. Mum and my sisters wpuld joke that i had narcolepsy because i would just sleep whenever things became too much for me.
Thank you Mr Fletcher. I’ve just started watching your videos and try to watch one per day. It’s taught me so much and simply understanding these things has already healed me so much. Therapy is so expensive here so I prayed much for another option and your channel is straight up an answer to prayer. Thank you so much for doing this
thank u thank u thank....what a deep compassionate clear respectful nonjudgmental covering of these complicated usually packed with pain feelings/ behaviours . u r a REAL teacher.❤
Oh wow this is a new way to think of these for me. I definitely had a freeze-Fawn response. Then as soon as it was possible I added FLIGHT -- by literally moving to the other side of the planet and going low-contact! Bit more literal than you usually think of, but it did work to a certain degree. (besides, I'm from a shithole, everywhere else I've lived has been way better!)
Difficult stuff. I find it so important to understand. This explains so much. But understanding is not enough. I may understand so much more. But the pain has not stopped.
After listerning to this... i feel hopeless... realization... that i am so broken... i am already so old... how will i ever have a relationship with any person...
Aren't some of these responses connected to personality types also? A very shy person with avoid any type of disagreement and refuse to discuss an issue that arises. A willful dominant person with attack and a more laid back self-directed person will simply distance themselves from what they consider to be irrelevant problems and follow their own path. These patterns of behavior don't necessarily have to be connected to trauma do they?
I used to rely o flight response in my younger years, then fawn, now it's mostly flight and freeze. I'm in my late 40s and I'm done with people I've been surrounded by for all those decades. I hate people, I've been doing all that was in my power to work remotely and my dream is to be self sufficient and live far away from humans in a remote countryside, with few needs and just surrounded by nature and animals. Or maybe it's my post soviet country with homo sovieticus CRUEL mentality that I'm so traumatized by and so sick with. When I lived in the UK and even in Morocco I've never felt those same vibes from people. I have to leave to feel free and healthy again. When I lived abroad all my migraines were just a memory, all my autoimmune issues, all allergies, I gained healthy weight, I could eat without vomiting I was so happy. Why did I ever decide to come back to this God forsaken country of mine and to my toxic family (?) I'm getting older but I have to leave, this is not living this is like being in vegetative state. I'm alive but dead inside, have been for many years.
So how fair is this life and where is God when i ve done a tone of introspection and as we see the body gets stuck in unhealthy loops.like freeze becoming disadociation brry head in the sand or sleep..healthy anger becomes unhealthy anger and we get stuck unable to exit snd had i not run upon these vids i would have eventually die old in that loop or if llife situations would luckily change
What is it called when an older brother (4 years older) (her)11 brother (15) abused mentally or sexually even when there was no real sex Is this still sexual abuse ? is there a name ?
What do I do when an ex reaches you through social media and you don't want to be rude but y really don't need him in y life how do I deal with this feeling
Tim has helped me understand trauma more than anyone I have ever met. So big THANK YOU to him, I am beyond grateful!! Question - despite being far along in my healing I am still stuck in freeze a lot. Does anyone have tips on how to get out of it?
53:57 How did you know I was thirsty before I did? When you threw your bottle of water in the trash I realized you where aware I was thirsty and your actions hurt me. I do not know how ask you for some water. I must ignore my need as usual . I will steal to get my needs met instead naturally. How else am going to get them met? I asked for help from an expert he has to know what is needed . Wasnt even given a clue to build on and dad dares me to go to the bridge. Dares me. So here I sit 60 years later praying for a miracle watching Tim's videos . I'm sorry and thankful too Tim Fletcher. Tears of pain and gratitude for you Tim Fletcher. You are beautiful . Take care of yourself.
It's wonderful to understand all these nuances of the 4 main F's ... and I recognise many in my relationship between myself and my husband. We've both been traumatized and I fall into fawn (again suppressing my own authenticity for fear of upsetting him) and become compliant to please him. What I need to know now, is how do I break this cycle in him and myself? How do we move past this? My husband wants me to get help, and he's ignoring his own needs (apart from his need for sex - which scares me). How do we heal from this? Please help us??
Untrue. I've been a freezing people pleaser my entire life. You learn to wear different masks around different people. I've been married for 11 years and I'm just now beginning to understanding my trauma. My spouse has been the most amazing person as I start this journey.
Yes, untrue. I've been married 18 years (my 3rd marriage) and my husband is doing his best to support my in my healing. Only he is also traumatized - he's putting my needs first. We're both afraid to be alone. That's what's keeping us together, I think...
Wow....I have C-PTSD and freeze and please...I remember getting straight A's in school and college BECAUSE I COULD READ WHAT EACH INSTRUCTOR WANTED. I am 57 and actually feel like I am getting worse. I don’t understand- I've had over 30 years of therapy (making sure the therapist, Dr feels like a genius!!!!
Hi, I tried talk therapy which was helpful to a degree but somatic experiencing, internal family systems and emdr are much more powerful and effective xx
@Jenny-nz8fb thank you so much. I just read "The Body Keeps score," by Bessel van der Kolk and he talks about everything you've mentioned! Take good care
