• 7 Signs They Are "THE ... If we don't validate our partners pain in the past, they won't be able to feel safe in the present. This is what leads to intimacy and reconnection and forgiveness. #validation #empathy #reconnection
Till you admit, deal with every single negative they've felt and heard it over and over for 6 years non stop. When do YOU get to stop having to live in the past and get acknowledged for what you've done right? This validating their feelings is cool till they decide to use it to control you for absolute years and years .
@@lorireed8046the point is this issue SHOULDNT exist for years and years. Let's say you messed up in x way regularly for 3 years. Your partner has brought it up, you see it, and you change. Now when x situation comes back up, you do better, and your partner says "we'll see if it lasts". Their trust hasn't been rebuilt yet. YOU have position to say "I know x was an issue and you were hurt, but I'm striving to do better." And after a few tines you still have the position to say "that was in the past, the last 5 times this has happened, we both see I've been better, and I will continue to be." If they keep bringing it up, now the issue is THEIRS. You are still better for your change, abd you have the grounds to call them out. My dad is both the perpetrator--kicking in doors, screaming and swearing and telling you your worthless, blaming his preeteen kids fir sew-we-slide ideation, does better ONCE, and is now vindicated of decades of abuse AND anything he will do in the future. He's also the "but you did this 10 yrs ago" pos, he can leave the house in an actual pigstye, but he had to wipe jam off the counter once 3 years ago after me (his words), so NO ONE has any say about messes I don't have to stoop to his level, I can improve in spite of him, abd he can be wrong and live all alone in his golden years
@@dflaming1371 but let's be real here, The man in this video and most of his fans don't believe in that standard. no matter how small or large the infraction the man is expected to just take it for years and if he leaves because it's too much to be held in contempt for past actions for so long he's the villian.
@@lorireed8046 A relationship is always a choice. If you genuinely have made efforts to heal and repair the damage you've done, been consistent in those efforts and being a better partner/friend, made every attempt to seek not forgiveness or them forgetting their hurt but understanding and validating their feelings, and made space for them being upset without making excuses for yourself for half a decade with things still not changing on their part... If you've sincerely done this then either the pain is simply too great, they themselves aren't trying to heal, or yes they are holding it over your head. In such a case the healthiest thing you can do is respectfully end the relationship and move on.
@@ajregalia1334 Yes, exactly 💯 and too many people are using a "past hurt" to judge a whole person. All these videos just keep kids in the past with moods they should be moving past. Next thing you know they are completely alone and blame everyone else as to why. No one is seeing this as damaging to a whole society. The mental health field is doing this to people on purpose. Time for the people to wake up and realize this is an experiment on a grand scale.
It amazes me how you can make me go from just fine to sobbing in a matter of seconds. If this was actually done or even attempted, I can’t even begin to imagine how that would have changed my life and situation. Thank you.
There are many many narcissists in this world who treat people like crap. They never, ever apologize or take responsibility for their actions. They use people then discard them like Kleenex. It's devastating. It sounds like your ex might have been one of them. 💔
Why would it have changed anything? Doesn't change that it happened and that it can't change the past. A person can only move forward and improve the future.
@@ElimEx1Well, the way I see it: the person who hurt the other one is now doing the right things, but it could be like they just understood cognitively that now they should behave like this. But you can feel in communicating to them, they are not receiving your feelings, but kind of dismissing them. They want to do the right things now, kind of like a robot, they just decided now they will not hurt you. But it's as if they are not doing that because of genuine feelings. So you don't feel like you can trust them. They are invalidating huge important stuff, and on top of that, they are now doing the right thing. Feeling someone didn't receive you, or accept all painful ways they affected you, it feels wrong and fake. So you can't trust. It's weird, I agree. It just feels off when you are invalidated.
I have to admit that I can't relate to that. My wife has said this in the past and now, we just don't talk. Makes it easier on the relationship overall. @@lanaivanovic5272
"If we don't validate our partners pain in the past, they won't be able to feel safe in the present"- so true for all kind of relationship. Genuine care and trust come from acknowledging the hurt, the pain. A piece of soul still stuck to the past.
Excellent!!! I'd amend *one* thing: When acknowledging her pain, instead of saying "the pain you've experienced," say "the pain I've caused you." (If the situation is from pain you've caused her.) It can be REALLY HARD to admit that and take responsibility, but NOT saying it during an apology or acknowledgement is continuing to avoid taking responsibility for it. It's a half apology (which is a non-apology in my book). "I'm sorry for how you feel" vs. "I'm sorry I've caused/led you to feel that way." Big difference. Of course, if the argument/situation at hand is not surrounding a pain caused by a partner/person, then I think the video's version still stands.
@@Ashbringer36 She's saying when it gets to a point where her feelings have been dismissed again and again and again, when she has made bid after bid for validation because of how her partner hurt her, and when said partner gives her no space to feel those emotions because he's more concerned about her not being upset at him than her healing then she will be mentally done. that point is a point of no return where a break-up is best, but the road getting there is paved with invalidation. Conversely, she could stop being angry and be done because she has healed and feels seen/heard and has moved on from that hurt with renewed trust. It doesn't have to be a bad thing.
@@ajregalia1334 and I’m supposed to interperate that from “When she’s not angry she’s done” how? Seems pretty cut and dry to me to mean what I suggested not what you sugggested.
So on point that it almost brought me to tears. I would have loved for this to have happened. However, I continued to be met with accusations of being too sensitive, holding on to the past, making the bad things out to be more than they really were--or my favorite, I needed medication to move on. Now, after I told him I want a divorce, I see him trying to do better. However, it's like icing on a cake made of crumbs. It looks great on the surface, but once it's cut open it's a mess. There is so much hurt and pain that I am too resentful to trust him again.
By your own admission, even if the person had done this, it wouldn't have changed anything. So truly, it's not on point. So why should your partner even try? Better to move on with someone new and let go of the past, for both partner's sake, no?
@@ElimEx1 It really is possible to help the other heal, if you can face it. And you can end up with a deeper, richer relationship on the other side. I speak from experience. The reason it isn't possible with the crumby cake person is that he isn't willing to face up to the fact that he has caused so much pain. Some people can't.
I honestly don't see the need. Once it has been acknowledged and the other person has started making improvements, move on... it's in the past and you need to focus on the future. People are so caught up in their "feelings" that it prevents them from being functional on a day to day basis. It's insane. @@heartofthematterlanguage
My wife's therapist said about a year after infidelity. After that, the betrayed needs to move on or risk staying in that vengeful and resentful mode and the cheater will risk being fed up and leave. It seems to be the conscensus that in order for the relationship to survive, a year is the max amount of time. Not to say that the apologies for past sins won't have to surface once in a while but just that the contrition time without the partner acknowledging it and moving on should not last forever. @@daniellel256
A man who understands! Nothing more attractive than a man knowing how to communicate and acknowledging his faults to work towards repairing the damage (this goes for women, too, of course-If you did him wrong, you repair it). It takes guts to pull all those things out from under the rug, but please do. If both are willing, it will be worth it!
THANK YOU for this! I need him to say it, but it’s often “I’m living in the past and throwing it in his face.” I want to believe the good, but I’m scared for it all to end. So… it’s hard to appreciate the good. Trying to live in the moment.
Ah, the things all men who want to avoid any kind of accountability always say in response to their partner not allowing them to stomp all over them, no questions asked.
Love, love, love this. It's like when people do things to hurt you and apologize, they think that should be the end of it. However, the person is still hurting. An apology doesn’t take away the pain. Time and your pain being validated are key. ❤❤
Jimmy, I which I saw this video six hours sooner. I was the "husband" in this video, I experienced what you described both internally and from my partner. I didn't even realize she was seeking validation, or how to do give it. I can only hope I get another chance to do better, and that I DO BETTER.
I really love this channel, but I feel like I have to remind everyone that this is really the gold standard. Even the most Emotionally Intelligent person sometimes won't react this way. The hard thing about these types of discussions is that there are usually triggers and emotions on both sides simultaneously. It's extremrly hard and rare for 1 partner to just validate and understand even though they do see where the other person comes from. Just remember that a healthy relationship is also a resilient one.
Me and my partner were having a discussion like this the other day. He really wants me to let go of the past, and i want to as well. But i told him i still have emotions that i cant get rid of and need him to participate in my process so that i can feel safe in knowing that some of those "old things" wont become a repeated pattern if the same problems were to come up again. I know that he cares, but i just want him to recognize, validate, and take accountability for the pain he caused at one point in time. Luckily there were not life-long choices that led to a split, but there was still some emotional damage from how he chose to handle that stress. And if those stressors were to come up again, i dont want to be hurt twice in the same way. The only way i can feel like he wont repeat this pain, is if he acknowledges how he was wrong and that its ok for me to feel the way i do, as i should. This was very helpful for me in moving forward, and it makes it easier to communicate with partner. I know he can understand the concept, but i dont always have the words or direction that it takes to heal.
My husband and I have been through a lot of tough stuff, the sort of stuff your videos address. After my husband woke up to what was happening (after lots and lots of outside help), it took a very long time for me to process my pain. As I began to feel safer with him, my pain began to come out. I know it was hard on him, listening to me talk about that pain. I didn't always do it in the healthiest way, either. And the topic came up over and over, for several years. (We had good times during that period, as well .) It took a while. But now, I'm pretty much through processing it all. We feel comfortable together, and now when we bring up the past, we each feel compassion toward the other, along with our regret at missing out on so much closeness for so many years. I am so very grateful to him for listening to me through all this. It has helped us redeem those bad years.
20 bucks says if you disagree or get into any argument you'll throw it back in his face again however mild the discussion starts out. even after so much healing
@@Ashbringer36 Really, that's not what's been happening. That's the point of actual healing instead of burying it. It's not been quick, but it's real. Yes, we've had real arguments. I'll check with him, but I don't think I've done what you say for a long time.
@@heartofthematterlanguage I’ve met one too many women who hold onto things shared in moments of vulnerability that have nothing to do with them to use later to beleive something that actually hurt them will ever be let go.
@@Ashbringer36 I don't think this is a feminine tendency, but rather a human one. It's certainly a powerful temptation. And it's absolutely a risk of relationship, you're right. I hope you can find someone who is worth the risk, or find happiness in other ways. I wish you all the best.
So true guys say we never let things go. No wonder, you don't ever really let us express our feelings about past hurts. Then you don't even acknowledge or apologize, so that we may move on. We want to.
Everything you say is mind blowing for me. You can articulate what I’m feeling so well, and it’s helping me learn to communicate my feelings to my fiancé in a more effective way, and also recognize when I’m making mistakes and causing him to react poorly, and vice versa. Thank you so much!
You are amazing !!! I listen so many podcast and so many therapist, and I never listen somebody who is so clear about everything like you! Thank you so much !❤
My word, I am so grateful for you and your methods of healing in relationships.. if I ever get into another one. I'm 6 years single & not sure if I want to get into a relationship now or ever..but if I do, your videos will be there and ready. God I pray to never have to go through that pain ever again with any man.
It is amazing that wives will forward this to their husbands and be quick to dismiss. I am glad to see some real husbands be accountable and want to make it work. Husbands the files will get smaller provided you listen , acknowledge her pain and be there to support as well.
This video was very powerful for me to watch I got emotional almost like I was watching my ex husband understand something that I tried to get him to see so many times.. I’d like to add though that if the man still has shame over the way he behaved in the past and he himself is unable to sit with the shame or feelings around it as it arises then his reaction will usually lead to blame as well when the past gets brought up.. how can men learn to process that shame as it also arises in this circumstance your video is addressing?
I'm amazed at how accurate you are. I am 75 and my husband died 15 yr. ago. He was of the old school that treated women like crap. How do I get over the anger and hurt now? I'd like to, but I can't seem to do it. What do I do?
I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry you still feel you have unresolved issues with your late husband. ❤ I guess there are a few ways to look at it; Was he deliberately hurtful or just not self-aware? Was he essentially a good man, but stuck in the ways he'd been taught in his youth? You've had the past 15 years to reflect and grow - maybe if he'd had that time he'd have changed too? 🤷🏼♀️ Can you forgive him for being 'old-school'? Were there redeeming qualities of that mindset that you appreciated? Could it be that your anger with him is really grief? Perhaps you feel abandoned by him now (however much he didn't want to go!) Do you miss him? Only you can answer those questions and I'm not trying to imply anything either way, just throwing ideas out there because you sound so sad 💖 Perhaps you could write him a letter with all the things you'd have liked to say if he was still here. And imagine how he might have responded, good or bad? Maybe you could speak to a grief counsellor and get some ideas to help you make peace with the past and heal? I hope you find something that helps and wish you all the best 💕
I recommend taking up boxing/kickboxing, even if just at home with a workout video. Does wonders for releasing anger when you can (safely) pound the eff outta something. .
This perfectly summarises the issue ive been experiencing in my relationship. I cant ever bring up things that bother me without him getting defensive or shutting down... Its been two years now of trying, and im ready to leave. I hope it will be better in future, but i cant wait for him to change any longer
Send him this video? As a guy, I know a lot of us literally just lack knowledge/education and don't understand how damaging it is to not listen and hold space for our partner's hurts/complaints.
@@CrapnellGates I hear you, but I probably won't - I've been doing the work myself, and i've been sharing the resources I have found with him for years, and he's done nothing to self-educate or to even engage with those things. He shouldn't need me telling him to take this seriously to want to work on the relationship. We don't know what we don't know, but I'm also not able to do anything more for myself or him. The idea that women (I am nonbinary AFAB) are innately better at this is ridiculous.
Thank you for that, I felt like I was being overly sensitive by communicating how I felt, so I was pretty much the opposite role in this scenario, but it also helped me to reinforce where that dividing line was in expression of how I felt and being too deep in myself with my own experience.
Was literally in the midst of this conversation around the upload time. Thank you for your work. I try my best to validate them in the face of my terrible past behavior. The fear and feeling of snowballing is all too real though. Still. Its about acknowledgment to move forward together.
@yoshitheonly yes and I was in same boat as Jimmy. When my wife gets angry I let her be angry and apologize and have my actions speak louder . The “files” were thick but they get thinner over time and three years later we are great and going on 30 years married.
My partner is where you are and his fear is valid. The snowballing is inevitable in the beginning. Once the permission is given, there's so much to unload. The man may not be ready for it all, especially the depth of the emotion. All I can say is to look at all that pain and realize it's been in her this whole time. If you don't let her get it out, in a safe place, you'll end up either alone or with a very bitter woman who hates herself and you. How long it takes always depends on how much pain your neglect or dismissiveness caused. We're dealing with almost 40 years of it. It's going to take some patience on his part to fully heal.
Man, I cried, the way you structured the apology and where it should come from, reminded me of every attempt of mine at approaching conflict resolution. I try so hard and I just get too complicated (been told numerous times...), but regardless more than often I'm not heard till the end of even halfway, it's like I'm forced to reverse the order of steps you presented just so the other party that I care about would listen 😭
The algorithm keeps coming back to your videos. You articulate the thoughts and feelings in relationships so well. Like someone else said, this is so powerful in any relationship!! This helped me to see what I missed and needed in past situations. Communication is Key! Thank you!
It's actually MORE masculine for a man to treat his wife correctly. Guys can go be rough and tumble and compete with each other, and treat their wives with the love and respect that they need. Being multifaceted makes a man more of an adult.
I would add taking ownership & being honest & open remembering how you hurt your partner & bringing it up to be responsible & repair the rupture , not just vague!!
Oh man! Sobbing my eyes out hearing this! You may be the reason behind the plummeting birth rates in the world, as women wake up to the fact that they don’t have to live with or put up with the bare essentials of togetherness! I hope your videos end up in the inbox of every person on the planet. Thank you for sharing your awakening and helping us all to wake up in the process.❤
I know it's a joke, but still wanted to jump in and say that while unhealthy relationships ending may prevent births, that also enables new, healthy relationships to be formed which are going to be SO much healthier for the children as well.
Ah geez, this is quite helpful. I'm in one of these positions - wanting to have my feelings validated - in a personal life dynamic. And I'm in the other position - probably needing to offer this validation to someone - in at least one work dynamic. Thank you, Jimmy! This helps very much!
My husband just gave up his 3rd relationship, where he was planning to leave me for another again. He wants to make our marriage work. Yes, this has happened 3 different times now, where he will cheat on me, he will want to leave, then regrets his actions and doesn’t want to lose his family. I have a ton of past hurts and trauma from watching my marriage fall apart multiple times throughout the years. I have always been loyal and supportive of him. Yet I have always been betrayed. He knows this and so he is trying to leave a safe open space for me to talk to him about my pain of the past. I appreciate that he is trying and I in turn am trying not to pour all my hurt, resentment, and pain onto him. I am only showing him a small amount and trying to use his kindness towards helping me through my inner struggles.
Leave. Third time isn't a charm anymore. Please, for your own sake. What might seem like healing from the pain of betrayal is just a temporary anesthetic that dulls out everything.
@@ortezac.5339 it’s happening. Our divorce is already underway. I had a hard time letting go because I have lost so much as it is in life. But the divorce is underway.
@@ortezac.5339 you’re correct. We are in the painful process of getting a divorce, so he can be with that third woman, married woman. I am leaving him, as he will not stop talking to her and he thinks none of this is cheating as they are just “work friends”. I am leaving.
This is why for months ive felt like id been still holding onto something, not being okay with something while living my life, like i cant fully relax until this happens, i cant fully say "im alright" with certainty without this. I want to feel safe going back on everything and validating the things that happened so bad. Thats what id been holding onto.
@Jimmy on relationships Jimmy!! I watch your videos and I have never felt so seen! I contemplate showing it to my husband but not sure if I should... whether it would help, make things worse &/or leave me feeling further rejected...but thank you for validating me and sharing the healthier things to work towards. 💚
All I can say is - Amen. If my ex had done this, he probably wouldn't be my ex. He's also been telling our youngest that he's sad that we don't have a good relationship. I get to tell our co-parenting therapist (because we don't have a good relationship) that he shouldn't be saying this to our kid and she gets to tell him why and that I really don't see me ever being able to trust him enough that I will be comfortable being in the same room with him let alone actually having a conversation with him. I am actually looking forward to our youngest turning 18. I don't have to communicate with my ex after that. I can ignore and even block him if I need to.
and thats honestly soo freakin manly and containing to put that truth out there like. "it sounds like you dont trust me" validating his feeling and the truth right there in front of them instead of avoiding it and not being able to speak it like its too scary. that maturity just makes a woman relax into her femininity and be able to be vulnerable and safe that theres not going to be elephant in the room situations because the other doesnt want to deal with the reality. a woman has to be able to trust to follow her mans lead, how can she be lead if he doesnt lead?
😮 Wow! THANK YOU Jimmy! • Trying to do the best that I can in the short time that we have left! • So I love these short videos! • I don’t believe that we have much time left before Jesus takes us home!! (1 Thessalonians 4:16-18) • All the signs that we are told to look for have already happened, are happening now, or we can see just ahead!! • For anyone reading this…Put your trust in Jesus & His finished work on the cross for you and you will be saved from God’s judgement & wrath. • It’s almost here!! • (1 Corinthians 15:3-4)
My ex never validated the pains he’s caused me in the past. As time goes on, those pains turned in to anger and sadness and now I’m suffering from major depression. Whenever he did something that reminded me of the past, all the bad memories flashed back and that made me a totally different person. All I wanted was for him to understand and validate my feelings. I wanted a sincere apology from him. But now it’s too late. He cut me off and accused our relationship not being healthy. I was the one that got hurt and he’s the victim.
You sre completely transparent. It yook such strength to admit that you had cheated on your wife. It made me respect you. I believe in what you say and that is making it so much easier for my husband and I to lidten snd try your methods. They work! But of course you know that tjsnk you from the bottom of my heart
Hey I love watching your videos. It makes me want to do better. That being said, I’m wondering what are a couple of books as a man that I should read to understand my partner more.
I believe you have begun using the word unintentionally too much in many videos. Too many men knew just what they were doing whether abuse or affairs. They were told what they doing, it was communicated but they chose self. It is pride and lovelessness. It is all swept under the carpet and then also fully expected that the woman must not make comments like, I don't trust it see how long it lasts, when he has finally conceded by making minor adjustments but refusing her space to talk about her pain. Maybe there are enough good men out there that were genuinely unintentional that these videos are for their group? Or are you beginning to let cruel self-centred men off too easily with this they 'most likely didn't mean it" viewpoint? Never the less I still love your videos and the content. Thank you for putting them out there.
You're talking as if you think this content is in fact for men. read the comments on any of his videos 90% it's just women feeling validated, fair enough butfact remains that is the audience. just watch the Skits for proof.
I need that so badly from my partner! You articulate that perfectly! Too bad he refuses to watch your videos... But if I told him those things, he would just get angry because he belives I want to torture him with the past and so on.... Someone else has to tell him. But who...
He doesn’t care. That’s why no amount of you or anyone else telling him is going to change his mind as how he feels about it - because he only cares about his own feelings and comfort and he knows you’re just gonna keep putting up with his BS like most women do and have from men for generations. If he wanted to actually listen to you, his partner - he would.
I did that all the time, and she used that to control me. She was a narcissist. And when i realized she should be apologizing and making efforts towards me, she left. 11y down the drain. It hurts
Thank you, I have been wondering what to do when they something like this, I have been trying for years to fix my marriage for years and your channel has really helped me. I was wondering how you would deescalate and argument that started as something else, but they bring up all the past mistakes that you did to hurt them and this argument is just another example of that to them? Note I understand this is toxic of them but I want to be able to address each one of those hurts one at a time rather than a huge snowball.
He can say "I understand given the way I treated you in the past" but it ONLY means something IF it's followed by actual (genuine) changes, and TRUE (authentic) safety. I'm not listening to what he says, I'm watching where his feet are walking.
