Walk Yourself Through Reconnecting 

"Inner children have magical thinking & built in forgetters. You know how it's going to go." Yes. 🙏

It is the hardest and the loneliest moment of my life but my mind is at peace

This is exactly the conversation I have been having: how I wish it would go, verses how it probably would go.

Mine always pretends nothing is wrong & goes back to being nice... for a while.

Patrick, you read my mind this morning. I am missing my idealized memories of my family and thought of reaching out. When I walk through the interaction, I see it would be a mistake. Thanks for this.

This is probably the most important tool you have. I don't know how many times this has quieted my urge to reconnect with someone that I've distanced myself from. The number of repetitions and the outcomes you've had with a particular person will predict the likelihood that this new re-connection attempt will also end up in failure.

I started doing the walk thru several years ago when I was being Hoovered. I called it “What would that look like?” I imagined all my attempts throughout my life, remembering, … feeling disconnected, invisible, alone,.. I ask myself, “How will this time be better, different, maybe worse?” Then remembering it’s me that has to care about me because obviously there some cognitive dissonance between what I’ve always wanted from them and what I’m actually getting. Then the decision is easier.

I really needed this. Thankyou the magical forgettableness of the inner child makes so much sense but this helps a lot

Yep, that’s exactly what happened when I met my mum for first time. Word for word you know my mum and my reactions, it’s validating but also scary how someone else can predict my mum’s passive agression and then victim tears. You are so on point and incredibly helpful. Thank you Patrick.

I'm not sure how I feel about this one. When I try to "walk myself through" conversations, I often end up ruminating and beating myself up. Maybe you could give some steps or guidelines to follow so that this "walking youself through" can be healthy and useful.

I've been out of contact with my dad for 5 years, and now I'm dealing with his death. It broke my heart when he was in my life because for a long time, I didn't understand that he had depression, bipolar, and fairly certain schizophrenia. It broke my heart when he left, and eventually, I knew I had stop talking to him because I began having panic attacks after dealing with him. It breaks my heart now because deep down, I never really had him as my father, and I would never be able to have him be my father. I found out exactly how I would with a phone call trying to find a family member and I saw him exactly where knew I would see him next volume down in the morgue, and now I have pick his ashes up and plan a celebration of life with my family for him.

I def knew how it was going to go which is why I blocked them on social media, then they text/email me asking for clarity & so I give it to them, then they blow up like always & I go back to knowing I was right to begin with.

OMFG just what I needed to hear today!! I can not & will not go back for more gaslighting & emotional neglect!!

This is exactly what i did. I had gone non contact with my mother, but i'd hung on to my relationship with my father. He was an alcoholic and a charmer so he seemed to manage always getting his way. Wanting to have at least one parent I stuck it out with him into my 50's It got so bad i was looking after so much garbage that i was collapsing in his many hospitals stays due to the alcholoism and i nearly lost my home. I had to get off that list. My therapist who was really great but hadn't heard about the gaslighting skills of my father was concerned how i couldn't work this out. So i suggested we have a phone call talk - and I played the role of my father. He got it. It's really sad and tough - but i can tell you that i would love to go back about 35 years or more and get my life back.

Thank you for making videos - not shorts. rewinding a few secs is very valuable.

Works every time! You're right, it's easy to imagine what they would say when they have been so consistent in their cycle of abuse, denial, minimalization, martyrdom, passive aggressiveness, straight out attacks, back stabbing, lying, aggression, rage, demonization, degrading, humiliating, dismissiveness, and abandonment and discard of you. Hey, if I forgot any, please let me know❤❤❤

Aside from the magical forgetfulness needed to survive, for me, I get a big 'It's not fair!' feeling because I so wanted and deserved a family. It takes a lot of work, luck, and time to fill that need for family in healthier ways. It feels like having a beautiful banquet in front of me and I'm starving, but I know it's poisoned. I have to convince myself over and over to go out foraging instead

Wow. I needed this. I had been praying about reconnecting with my bio mom and some family, after going no contact. Thank you for posting.

I can't thank you enough for this. This was EXACTLY what I needed today. I was crying this morning "missing' some in my foo and thinking about contacting them. I was sober enough this morning to realize that I was craving connection and understanding and empathy and care and that today I could look for those things elsewhere. But I was still feeling down and then I saw this. Thank you.

It happened exactly how you described...started with passive aggressive comments and then proceeded to mildly attack me about how i don't tell them about my life and how I never reach out to them to know about their life. Followed by shaming and yelling at me for reacting to their abuse. Finally concluded it by telling me how their parents were far more abusive but they never abandoned them and that I have no reason to walk away 😂

Good idea walking yourself thru something. Can prep yourself to handle in the future better.

“Built-in forgetters” Yes!👍

My family is doing some kind of reconstruction of the worst time of my life this week. My parents have invited over a teenage relative with behavioral issues that looks similar to how I was acting out as a teenager. I watched my parents and siblings doing their best to make her feel important and included, I also participated in that. She is a child, so I allowed myself to lean into my codependent patterns. Children deserve all the love they can get. But I realised what we were all doing, and I've decided to stay away for the rest of the family gathering. I was the scapegoat, I wasn't included and prioritized. None of them have ever recognised what happened or apologised for anything. I just needed to share this, I feel so alone

Thank you, Patrick. This is vital. 🙏🏻

Thank you. I agree. I am a survivor of DV. And especially, once you start getting better, it's really important to NEVER go back. Whenever I would get the urge, I would have to walk myself through some of it until I could fully remember where I ended up in the end: down and out, broke, in a shelter (despite working), and mentally completely destroyed.

I reached out to my mom after 18 months of no contact because I needed help with money and she did help me, but has no desire to talk to me about anything and basically wants to pretend everything is normal. I put up some boundaries which made her act like the victim. I told her she is not allowed to talk about her husband or praise him to me, so she does not really talk to me at all, apparently she thinks the only valuable to say is gossip about the man who has abused her and destroyed her family for over 40 years. It is beyond sad at this point. I am constantly walking myself through connecting with her, it has become a form of mental illness for me and I hate it. She will act dismissive about anything I say and get upset until she ends the call, basically how she has communicated with me for the past 40 years. I have come to accept that she is not capable of more at this point and it is a form of insanity for me to expect anything better from her at this point.

I saw your video about your rude dad just wanted to say since you said at the end that you help people now my sister has been the nicest for over nine years and it really hurts cause no one else knows I’m suffering and gaslight me and lies to everyone saying that she doesn’t do anything

Great reminder 🎉

Excellent advice and so timely for me today. Thank you very, very much.

Don't do the call.

It's me again. Just found out that my "mother" has cancer. I'm very angry with her. I asked her back at the end of January so make an appointment for all 6 of us and she would not. I tried to get her to do it first with all 5 of us girls together, then one at a time she still would not, then I DEMANDED it. In April my sister lost her son, my nephew. Now I am more angry with her because I wanted to forgive and heal.

Thank you for this. One of my sisters keeps contacting me via my husband. He would like me to make peace and be in contact. Not sure why. Not sure why she wants to hang out and talk. She certainly always made me feel like crap when we talked. Why does she so desperately want to be in contact? The fact that she keeps repeating to him “I haven’t seen your place yet” tells me everything I need to know. She’s not going to apologize, she hasn’t changed, and it won’t be better. It will be the same. It makes me feel physically ill.

If they dont get it now they never will. Ive been raising the alarm since i was old enough to recognize harm and unfairness. Ive treid shouting it, emailing it, writing letters, phone calls, explainign it this way and thay way. The truth that we all knew deep down they just want me to absorb their guilt and shut the fuck up

"Worse than before". Yup.i know that feeling too well. It's why I sit there as i get a call... Because i think "do I want to feel worse today?" "Can I handle it", "what if young's are different?" And they never are. 😂😂

The way I did nothing but text and email with my parent was to say I didn't call because I always seem to upset them and I don't want to upset them so I thought it would make them happier if I didn't call. So I stopped being required to call and stopped answering the phone. 😁

With the ex, I've realized that I've had to float every conversation by ignoring my own interests, thoughts & emotions. The thought of doing that again feels like a pointless fool's errand.

Sadly I made the call today before seeing this 😳

We do heal, unless we are incapable of forgiveness. If we are incapable of forgiveness we are still wounded and mentally unhealthy. Healing is about forgiveness and Building Bridges. These different labels, and cutting people out, is creating a profound impact that this person is incapable of seeing. When we are healthy we develop compassion and empathy. Be careful who you are being influenced by. There are many people out here producing these types of videos who are not healthy. Praying for you Patrick🙏💔

We always hope for better. That is our trap.

Hurts though. I came across a demand where I thought was an okay person and I could see how it was going to go and keep coming up 'why aren't you doing [demanded thing]?' and the relationship would be hostage to this over and over and it wasn't much of a relationship to begin with and...it hurts to suddenly see it as so incapable of functional relation.

Ty! helpful

Wow, I do have built in forgetting. I want to learn more about my inner child but I cannot wrap my head around the concept. There's a book I might read, I fear triggers though. I made contact with my NM. Big mistake, used me then "verbally abused me". She enjoys it. Makes me angry to the core, I feel the anger in my gut. I'll learn? I have to. I can't keep doing this. I have this crazy hope that's not realistic. Ugh.

My birthday is coming up within the next week. My parents wanted to see me and we’re low contact. They usually give money but they’ve got an item for me, they have no idea who I am so I’m not seeing this going well. It’s never been safe to show dissatisfaction with a gift. Dad mentioned about seeing me on my birthday, I told him I don’t want to celebrate cause I don’t want to deal with bullshit and my birthday is a big trigger for me. I don’t know if I’ll get the good parents or the bad or a mix of both. It doesn’t matter what I plan out I feel like I’m gonna get something different either way. I don’t know hat to do, other to tell them I don’t want them around.

this sounds like coping ahead!

yep this

As in, don't stop taking the medicine while it's working.

I know how it's gonna go I always know how it's been in past and I can guess how it will happen again

Hmmmm. Yes. I do know. So best let sleeping dogs lie....

Are you a licensed professional counselor or licensed therapist? Where are you licensed? Is your license current in your State? It seems to me you are practicing here without any professional oversight and committing ethical violations by advising the public.

Thank you for this 🩷 Im trying to speak to someone in my family who is an enabler. I prepared myself for what was to come. Expected to be dismissed. Ready for all the excuses and the guilt trips. Which did happen. Understanding that they have been programmed just like i have. This is my last effort since they always say how much they care. But i dont expect them to care or even believe what i have to say. At least i can say i tried.

I don’t think this is the case every time for everybody. Many people who love their significant other have learnt alot through their partners no contact… I for one is totally willing to regroup and work together to find NEW ways to begin a new relationship with new information, Openess and non defensive conversation, and to plan how to create together caring for each others needs and continue with individual therapy. Not everyone is the same as those who don’t change…. Please PROMOTE the people who learn from no contact. Who through the catalysts see, realize their part and begin changing …

My issue with this thinking, is that I tend to apply it to flirting as well. And it's depressing. Most people are super boring, I match energy with maybe 1 person out of 10 or 20. Thinking like that makes me not even bother going out... 🫤

We do heal, unless we are incapable of forgiveness. If we are incapable of forgiveness we are still wounded and mentally unhealthy. Healing is about forgiveness and Building Bridges. These different labels, and cutting people out, is creating a profound impact that this person is incapable of seeing. When we are healthy we develop compassion and empathy. Be careful who you are being influenced by. There are many people out here producing these types of videos who are not healthy. Praying for you Patrick🙏💔