I have the opposite problem, whenever I feel heightened emotion during a conflict I assume it's my personal trigger, back off, fawn, and agree with whatever the other person says, just to later realize I was actually right, and then I feel violated, abused, and it's like a small trauma, because not only didn't I protect myself, I joined the other person in hurting me.
I had this same problem. I lost a friend who I triggered and I made myself out to be the bad guy when he just cut me off and other hurtful things. It took me months before I could sit down and realize that I did everything I could to do right by this person (recognized what had happened, apologized, took active and noticeable steps to prevent it happening again) but he chose to not care (months of silent treatment & hostile interactions). I finally realized that just because I triggered bad feelings that I didn't deserve bad treatment and that's what I got.
What I love about watching you is that all your content is nuance-friendly. You mention things, account for things or examine things that none of the other content creators do or respect. You’re really so ahead for your age, I think I’m more than a decade ahead of you in age, but you are making really helpful content.
Heidi always putting massive value out there for us. You have a unique ability to articulate really complex thoughts and emotions. I wish I knew this before my breakup. At least now I know how to be prepared for my next relationship
This is THE subject for anyone healing disorganized/FA attachment, family scapegoating, or from C-PTSD (you'll usually find at least two or all three in the same person)..
This is so needed!! It’s hard to differentiate between a trigger and something that is justifiable. After years of healing it’s been confusing. So a BIG thank you!
Two friendships of mine are like 90% destroyed cuz of a trigger incident i had half a year ago. Like heidi was explaining I was half right, but also half triggered and the exact thing happened where past memories of the same exact “offense” occurred all compounded into a rage. We live and we learn ah
I appreciate the caveat and realize how much needs to heal before I can begin to grasp this kind of thinking. As the scapegoat of my family I IMMEDIATELY internalize and default to “it’s my fault.” I recognize my core wound is fear of abandonment, which means I also abandon myself and turn to fawning -within my own mind!- without even TALKING to anyone about it. Any inclination that a hurt feeling I have is justified is widdled away until I’ve convinced myself it doesn’t matter because there’s something inherently wrong with me. I hate this self-inflicted shame and guilt!!!
Your disclaimer was a surprise!! You are so well spoken and have such a good handle on the topics you address, your advice is identical or superior to plenty of “certified “ experts in the field of trauma and human behavior.
Really great points. I'm kind of laughing because it never seems to fail that I come across someone explaining some process right AFTER I've figured it out on my own, after years of struggling with it. Oh well...The awesomeness of knowing how to handle situations is enough. ....And who knows, maybe it's not that I only get good advice "after" I need it...Maybe it's just that I can't identify it as good advice until I already know it intrinsically. :)
Being a FA, I have very similar triggers and trigger responses to those you give as examples from your life, and the way you explain them and what to do instead is actually VERY helpful! It even helped me to stay grounded and control the way I respond to a triggering situation numerous times. Your videos have actually helped me calm down a relationship with an elderly family member and there were extremely heated conflicts with her for as long as I remember! That's huge, tysm
Most things can be "worked through", if you define "worked" as yourself putting in the work and "through" as you still being in a relationship with someone who doesn't have a good enough character to treat you honestly or fairly. Before the "am I right or wrong" I think the way more important question is to look beyond the resources they "might" provide you with that are not essential to your survival and ask "does this other person have a good character and is someone that might like the real me". Some terrible people have to be tolerated but I can honestly say that my life only has hope for a good future because I stopped tolerating terrible people and developed the self love to where I was willing to eliminate every relationship if every relationship on my table was a toxic one. In my reality I have found that not working to keep people has been the right call. If the other person doesn't appear to be a good person that likes me then I don't feel bad about not getting back to them ever.
OMG!! I am listening to this 3 times because holy Moly. This is me I get so triggered and then anxious and instantly fearful that I will not be able to retain what ACTUALLY happened. How I was mistreated &/or what boundary of mine was crosses (again) it's very difficult for me to hold off and come back in.... As Heidi said in her example 10 Minutes? 10 hours. Or 10 days....? because I will forget or I'm soabsolutely fearful that I might forget that I end up having that self fulfilling prophecy and I do forget. It's hard to write things down when you're at a level 10 of triggered ness and an anxious hot mess crying and oscillating between fight and fawn.
Right? It is so helpful to hear this explained as this commonplace sort of thing, I feel much less broken/alone. I have diagnoses of Complex PTSD, DID, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and suffer a lot to hold onto interpersonal relationships. I have never had anybody describe/acknowledge what I go through like you have in other videos about Fearful-Avoidant attachment styles. I have long-term studied narcissism, varying from accusing (in my head), multiple past partner of being within the dark triad, to myself being the one manipulating, to maybe it is both of us. I do not trust others and I no longer trust myself. I know from studying such books as The Body Holds the Score, how trauma effects the brain, and question everything. Myself and others. I have come a tremendous way, but this is one thing upon my path of healing that I am stuck on. I cycle and I see the flaws within my behaviour, but it is as if, after calmed and regulated, it wasn't me. During, it happens so fast. Multiple suicide attempts have occurred this way also. Thinking after, how heartbroken I was, I do not want to die. The only things I knew of that explained this sort of differentiation in behaviours would be the DID, and I have read that gaslighting and other forms of manipulation can cause such turmoil to ones memory, trust of ones self, etc. Hearing you speak of Fearful-Avoidants checked off all of the boxes. I must say, even when regulated, I do feel I have been treated unfairly for the course of my relationship. Hidden truth, like living with his ex, not being allowed over, still haven't met his friends, making me feel guilty for asking for support on very difficult nights. It even feels like trusting him with some of my childhood trauma was giving him ammo to use against me. As he soon after said I needed too much support and he needed boundaries to be healthy himself. This again played my brain against my brain. Am I asking too much? He is gone out drinking the week that you attempted suicide and nearly succeeded, you'd never do that, you'd be there for him, no you ask too much you were always a burden to everyone, you never should have asked for support (HUGE fear). It goes back and forth and repeats. But mainly, I do not feel loved. It took me 4 years to believe my dog loved me and that it was safe to love her because she wasn't, "just going to die anyway" (mean inner critic). What I want most in life is love, to be loved and love back, and feel safe in that, to be able to trust again. I am not sure if I am now so broken that I can never get there, or if I attract the wrong people. I always end it. I find things wrong. Paranoia? A magnet for people that are just like the others that abused me, because despite all the reading I do, my self worth is not what it should be and I am accustomed to accepting unacceptable. And often apologizing if I try to speak up and speak on feelings regarding the subject when someone makes me feel hurt. I always end up apologizing with this guy. I can't always be wrong? I feel cursed. I just want to see clearly. I am 34, I have been struggling so hard for so long and I just want peace in my life. I leave this here on the internet. The point? As I sit and cry here, maybe my words will touch someone else and you can know you aren't alone. Thanks Heidi, for making these videos. The insight into my attachment style will surely help me on my continued path of healing and growth. I am happy that you exist and that I stumbling across you during my nightly RU-vid searches, when I decided to look into attachment styles, as it came up in a video I had been watching on narcissism. Which btw, therapists tell me I am not. Shunned my but's, which annoyed me, as I was so sure. So I guess if I am one I am too keen for their radar 😂
Good comment. Rare to find such passion/ pain, most people seem to just want to numb it away nowadays which is NOT the way to go, at least for some people who need sensitivity, the highs and lows, otherwise life may just be dreary). And take my 'advice' with a grain of salt, I'm not a professional, more just reacting to this lengthy comment that caught my interest, for myself, than trying to alter or fix anything I think the thing with complex people who may have b.p.d. like us (or at least those kinda of symptoms, who's to say if it's an actual phenomenon/ diagnosis, or just inevitable side effects to having so much painful/ persistent &/or long lived trauma/ loss) is we Want to be whole. We want purpose, to "make up for" the bad / lesser parts of our past/ natural nature. But in reality, idk, either because of our track record, high expectations &/or just being dealt a general poor hand/ luck in life more than not... may lead to further pain. Love imo is a nice thing to believe in. At least initially, and if healthy co-dependence forms one day, great. But for some reason most(?) people can seem to sniff out desperation/ ' broken type' (even tho generally not ones fault, and the psyche is just fumbling and doing whatever it sees fit to protect &/or gain pleasure for ourselves. Doesn't mean it's evil because the psyche is selfish, very far from. Deserves compassion and understanding, the more we bash it anyways the more irritable and unstable we get anyways!), which seems to only attract abuser types Idk if long term healing is possible. Def. requires a lot of self care, maybe a good healthy legit non-judgmental supportive social network (?) &/or luck over time... but that reminds me, I am probably reaching more than I notice in relying upon near pristine but very imperiled if current trends continue, waterways/ environments relatively near me... I can't help what I want/ am I to, and I know myself, and my fav environments are wayyy more likely doomed than not (but I'm not just going to abandon them, seems to cheapen the bond which def. Was/ Is there... sure maybe I can't catch a break, but this is a free nation and I'm a free person gosh darnit....) apologies for the rant xD Yeah idk, life and people and sorting thru what's more rational/ warranted-- optimism or just settling into pessimism, who's to say... super complex nowadays, more people and things are becoming. Therapists seem over whelmed &/or their hands full, I can tell. It sucks, they don't want a super complex multi-faceted damaged client who doesn't know exactly who they are... sure process of elimination helps narrow it, to some range... but can/does change all the time. Tho wish I could be even less detached from things I love... all my passions seem to burnout eventually and over the years becoming more weary, perhaps. But somehow there's strength and passion for continuing the journey nonetheless (thankfully I'm blessed to at least Realize life is best lived for Appreciating the journey more than any possible destination/ accomplishment. They all get subdued into our baseline anyways, for better &/or worse. Not saying we absolutely have to make constant upward progress, but it seems to help in the present to be able to look back and see meaningful experiences/ attempting to find happiness- which is only a temporary thing at best anyways, excitement prolongs it but... Think that's enough and covered it well xD Oh yeah and meant to say, no offense/ anyone is def. vulnerable if not careful-- seems you have been gaslighted. Do NOT depend on other people to validate your feelings/ truths. That's giving our power away and ultimately them all the control. More than we can realize....
Wow! This came on my recommended at the PERFECT time. I have been struggling so much lately with differentiating my triggers and genuine injustices, but I find myself usually just invalidating my feelings and telling myself that I'm probably just overrreacting. I never even stopped to consider that both could be true. That black and white thinking again. It sounds so obvious in hindsight, but in those moments it feels very different. Amazing video.
Heidi, GREAT STUFF. I hope RU-vid pays you well. This is so important. Thank you for all that you take the time to do. And this one is excellent- as is all of your content. 🥰🥰🥰🥰
As a FA leaning heavily AP with BPD as a result of childhood trauma who’ve been in therapy most my adult life, I have never had anyone explain some of the feelings and experiences I struggle with as profoundly as Heidi does! I’m binge watching all your videos 😄 Thank you so much Heidi ❤ I’m so glad I’ve found your page
I had a difficult reaction to someone on the phone and I rewatched this video to feel easier. It is one of the most powerful things I have found, in that it is immensely regulating: to feel validated and to hear that my feelings and thoughts are valuable and matter. It helped me feel calmer and less attacked, and less attached to what this woman I was speaking to on the phone thought. Had I remembered the advice from this video maybe I would have been able to stop myself from prolonging the conversation. I think what made me continue it and continue trying to make her (the woman I spoke with) help me was not just that I felt unsupported and confused about if I was in the right or not, but also it was that I felt like if I backed down and acquiesced, she would think that she had won; she would have felt like I had had to accept that she was right and I was wrong. It made me feel like I would want to flee and hide from her every time I thought about the conversation in the future. I felt as if I had to not let this happen but I did not know how because she was just so unpleasant and her voice seemed filled with scorn and contempt. It felt important to me that she would not think she had intimidated me. But the longer the conversation went in, the more unkind and righteous she sounded and the more stressed and emotional I felt. I tried a little more but my heart was beginning to pound and eventually I hung up on her even though I feel that is not a good way to behave and I want to continue to try to be polite and respectful irrespective of how I perceive the other person to be behaving.
With so many of these I want to return and sit down and take copious notes. I’ve made quick notes on my phone but there’s so much wisdom and so much important information that I don’t want the lessons to pass me by. there's a lot to sit with and let sink in. You have such a great way of synthesizing and presenting this complicated matter. Thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for explaining this! Because I used to become immensely triggered due to PTSD, I used to attribute 100% to the past incident, and “forgive” the present circumstances. Thus abandoning my current perceptions and needs. In effect, re-traumatizing myself.
I. love. THIS!! I can communicate healthily until I’m triggered in the moment. Wondering whether I’m going through a true injustice or if I’m just triggered. Everything goes to hell at that point and then I feel bad about myself wondering why I’m this way. Why I’m explosive and why, every time I have a valid feeling, it gets overshadowed by my triggered reaction. But I have to stop. I have to stop in the moment and reassure myself that “I trust my future self”. Because I do. Thank you for this, Heidi!!
Good for not blowing a situation up 👍Excelent. Also good for not gaslighting yourself if real abuse is taking place and you're thinking "OMG it's so unfair to this person that I'm afraid of them. I really shouldn't be. I'm so triggered right now. I'm just projecting my fears onto them." Definitely that's the other scarry side of the coin where often both of these things are true ❤
"Most things can wait" and also "most things can be worked through" both advices apply to me equally. The struggle of a fearful avoidant :') I kind of really struggle with accepting the fact that I have fearful avoidant attachment style. Ig I want to have either avoidant or anxious or preferably secure attachment style. Maybe because it's more common that way. I don't want to be an anomaly. The 2 people I opened up to about this both dealt with this carelessly and now I feel even more ashamed. I need to take responsibility Ig
“let your future wise self deal with the situation when your not ready” ah okay. “But then your future wise self actually has to deal with the situation, or else you will lose trust in yourself.” Damn. You didn’t have to hit us so hard with that. So many times I want to ignore a situation when I’m not triggered anymore but I am definetly realizing how this inadvertently makes me lose confidence in my ability to deal with issues. Thank you thank you thank you
This video is golden! I always search out INFP advice but I’m so glad I looked into your channel. The healthy vs. unhealthy breakdowns line up with my struggles to the T. Thank you for preparing this information so well and providing actionable steps.
Thank you for helping me understand this dynamic. It always left me confused hence overthinking. I now know it's a blend of the two, I'm offended and triggered but learning to have a measurable response and being patient with muself too.
I love that someone made a video about something I have been wondering about for a while and couldn't find a clear answer. I realized I did, indeed already have an answer, I just didn't really trust myself enough to follow that gut feeling. So you reconfirming that is really helpful. Now off to training trusting my intuition.
One of the reason I decide to jump on triggers while mad is because I am very forgetful and will forget (or block) the memory of it. I’m still trying to find a way to stand up for myself while calm as well as before I forget.
When I'm triggered and need to walk away it pisses my partner off even more... I often recognize the disproportionate emotional response building inside me so I need to stop the argument and leave before I say something I'll regret, but if I remain silent I get berated for not saying anything, if I say I need to walk away I get berated for ignoring the problem.
I understand how you feel. It happened when I was arguing with an ex. I took a week off to collect myself before sending a response and by the time I came back they blocked me. Sometimes you gotta accept that the relationship isn't gonna work long term
Your channel has become a fave for me, you have such a succinct way of hitting the nail on the head... Going forward when I do get triggered or have an all out emotional reaction to an offense, I will endeavour to include the word AND as a way to acknowledge the cause of my trigger AND the fact that my reaction is a 10/10 in a situation that calls for a 4/10 or 5/10
Such a great video, thank you. I really appreciate the acknowledgment that included in being triggered is when we are accurately picking up on something that’s unfair and that it’s ok to respond with asserting a boundary- because yes it often is that true injustice is happening. But it’s the heightened reaction that gets the attention. However my emotions and experience matter. That’s validating. Both the injustice and the trigger are true. Learning when we are triggered in the moment and finding the pause is the ongoing challenge.
Wow, lots of specific, practical advice here! I have a situation that happened a few weeks back that was glossed over and unresolved, that I was very confused about. This may help me to be able to finally work through this.
Heidi, this video speaks to me like nothing else I've done to calm my intense and flashpoint feelings. Maybe the cumulative work I've done is now allowing me to really receive this message! I'm going to listen to this daily so the next time, I automatically react before I regulate, I can calm down and reach my wise mind as a bridge to my rational mind. I want this video in my tool bag! Thank you!❤️❤️❤️
This is a video I feel like I'm going to be watching several times and returning back to to internalize all of the a great content. I've never seen another video that addresses exactly this in this way and I needed this information. Thank you
This resonated so strongly! Thank you! I am in the process of trying to work this out and it gets so overwhelming sometimes. I love the ''future self" reference.
Hi been watching your videos and so grateful to you. This one has opened my eyes to how I am constantly holding in my frustrations with my relationships then totally blow up /get triggered when I can’t handle there behaviour anymore. Knowing I’m right but not getting what I need from them, having been emotionally neglected all my life 😢
VERY IMPORYANT....It is also wuite possible that we are mistaken about what we thought justifies what triggers us...Later calm discussion with someone we trust is often useful Or mindful stepping back at the time...but that takes practice?
You articulated the very essence of what I've been trying to convey to my trauma therapist for a year and a half. We seem to just trigger each other and get nowhere. Ive become so untrusting, disheartened and frustrated that I'm not being herd or understood. I quit therapy 2 weeks ago. 😢
Get a new therapist! Sometimes you have to go through a few or either one therapist can help you with one thing and another can help you with something else.
This is exactly what I am dealing with developing in my journey right now. As usual, this video is very helpful to break things down, identify and address with practical solutions.
One trust is demolished in a relationship/marriage it's nearly impossible to not get triggered every time with a wave of hurt for the 1000 cuts that led to my bleeding out, but this is good perspective and I'll be more mindful of it, thank you.
I've started recognising the lower level, sympathetic nervous system switch-on and I now differentiate them from "TRIGGER" with the term "ACTIVATION", so now I know when I'm activated, like right now actually. Not so difficult to deal with when you're aware THANKS SO MUCH HEIDI, YOU HAVE A GIFT FOR COMMUNICATING THIS FRAUGHT AND DIFFICULT TOPIC ❤❤❤
Gosh so much self work to do. Thanks this is really helpful. I always question myself on whether I overacted over something and then experience a bit of guilt afterwards. It's tiresome.
🤯 Wow! This is exactly what Ive been doing!! When you described word-for-word my reactions and saying this is a state of being triggered, it is so helpful. I do always ask the question that is the title of the video; so, it is also a new idea for me to honor being right but taking the time to tease out what is in the moment vs what is in my head. This is a groundbreaking moment for me. Thank you!!!
Heidi I really needed this video today. I'm day two straight of being in that triggered state. I have made a few mistakes in that short time, but it was really reassuring to be acknowledged in the exact way I've been feeling. I'm scared and reactive and can't stop thinking it over, but I agree with you and know that my future self can and will manage it.
Very well spoken! I totally see these aspects that she points out! I can see how my wife and I have handled conflicts on both sides of the spectrum. I am FA she is DA and this nails it
Thank you so much! I thought I already know the answer to this, but you showed me something very important, that was a great help. I feel more validated and confident now.
This drives me insane. I feel like I can never tell if my perception on smth accurately represents reality or if Im just triggered and irrational. Im always arguing in my mind. I dont expect this video to help me figure this out, but it's interesting to know others struggle with it too.
…… omg. THIS!!!!!!!!! I have roasted people when I was triggered and tbh my thoughts were valid. Taking this video to my next counseling session. Love the disclaimer too ✨
This is so good and helpful. Thank you, Heidi! I have had an excellent and simple exercise offered that may help others in similar situations that occur day to day. Just to practice breathing focus. It happens daily in my environment where issues have built up, and I need to digest deal with things calmly rather than bring up previous issues. Has been kind of a reconditioning. Been helpful to do this separation you talk about and takes mind off brain chatter.
Thank you for your work and help. I'm working on giving myself the time to do exactly as you advise, and then when I come back to the person or issue, to not only say what I think needs to be said, but see if I can respond in a way that sets an example for others around us. We can both insist on fairness, AND keep our dignity. I've had a few small successes so far, and it feels good. America has unfortunately become a place where insults and rage are considered admirable behavior. I think we can, and very much need to do, better.
This happened to me today. It happens all the time but you’re exactly correct: I hesitate to respond because I’m afraid that I’m overreacting or “triggered.” I did manage to respond, but it took me a lot of concentration to separate the actual details of what happened from the emotional wave and inner tension that arose in me.
Agree with these comments, as I’ve never come across anyone who communicates so clearly and effectively on these kinds of subjects. When my boyfriend and I are having a communication breakdown, I try to focus less on being right and more on being correct in what I’m communicating even if it means admitting that I’m wrong about certain aspects (not easy to do.)
Thank you Heidi! I wish I would have watched this before I had an encounter with a crazy person at work which triggered me to a point of loss of my control/emotionally. Long story short, I got fired because I yelled and cussed while triggered at my director and she was so angry that I yelled at her that she didn't even care about the incident that had occurred. Bad situation that I'm still trying to deal with emotionally. It was truly the other person's gaslighting and I was truly not in the wrong but I lost it. I was allowed to resign rather than be fired after the fact at my asking due to my major contribution and dedication to my job over the past two years I had been there but otherwise, nothing was ever discussed or resolved. I still feel so unsettled about it and want to fight back. I told my director if she cared about me, her employee, she should have told me that we needed to return for a discussion when I was calmed down and could talk more rationally but she didn't care. Besides the person I had the issue with was a friend of hers so a win/win for her and lose/lose for me. Impossible, I'm so tired of it all - Peace.
I know that when I blow up over something small. I bring all pain up to battle the situation a hand. And i turn myself into the bad guy. By over reacting
lol who would have thought that finally i can say "that's a problem i never had". thank you for your work! i'm new here and i will follow your channel, you sound solid and based.
This one is a doozy! So useful. I can see how much this is my challenge. Because of how you’ve explained so well! (Just to be sure I really get it, I listen at .75 and I stop and start and rewind a couple times.)
Hello Heidi! This is one of the best and most illuminating videos I have ever seen. All of your videos that I have watched have been life changing, and this is as a 43 year old who has been in therapy for 30 years. I can't say enough about how much this video helps me. I have been mulling over sending a letter to the animal shelter I just worked out, which had horrible conditions. I have written a letter which I kept quite professional. But, I have been struggling for weeks about how to introduce the letter. My anger always gets the best of me and I want to be mean and say things that I know will make them ignore me. This video put that situation into such clear perspective. I do know I'm healing because in the past I would have let them have it and probably told a lot of other people too. But I have not, I have waited and thought a lot about the right thing to do. I am also about to start a new job with young women with emotional issues. SO I am really trying to prepare for how to keep myself from getting triggered so I can help them and also keep my job. This is very helpful for that and I know you will have more about this if I look back at your videos. Your videos on attachment styles have also changed my life. Knowing I am avoidant and what that looks like, why, and how it affects my life has been HUGE. It all makes so much sense and it's okay that I'm like this, I know it is to keep myself safe and I can work on becoming more secure in my attachment style. TY!
