I'm definitely a fan of letting out anger in harmless ways - throwing cushions across the room, punching a pillow, etc. Or just ranting about it to myself at home. I'm someone who needs to physically say the words to let things out, so this helps a lot, as well as a Zoom mental health group I've joined. Bottling things up really doesn't help at all.
My dad used to go dig in the garden to physically let the tension out. It gave him time and space to process his feelings. Doing things that are harmless, like the cushion throwing, or even positive with your physical energy is sensible!
1. Appraisal focused: Denial is unhealthy but truth will set you free. Keep an open mind. Don't be afraid to seek answers. Change the way you look at a problem. 2. Problem focused: Reframed as solution focused. This is an opportunity to learn new skills. Keep making adjustments until it solves the problem. 3. Emotion focused: Being aware of your feelings. Soothe yourself then re-engage. Meditation and catharsis can help. 4. Occupation focused: If a situation is stressing you out, then change how you spend your days.
Pausing and having a slower response time is gold, and it gives you a chance to ask yourself this question, answer it, and choose a difference response.
I'd really love an in depth video like this on self harm. I think it's an unhealthy emotion focused coping mechanism, and there's so much stigma around it that's it's often something people don't understand or even try to, because "how could hurting yourself make any sense?". As someone who has struggled with self harm and had to try to explain it over and over to people who don't understand or think we're crazy, I think you'd be doing us all a solid. Thanks Jono
How I have explained it or at least I would is that I want to feel something not just this mental torment that's happening in my head. My temptation for it comes when I don't feel anything or I just feel my depression and I need an escape, something to keep me sane.
I would love an in depth video on it. I think I sort of understand it but I would love more insight. My understanding of it is that physical pain hurts less than emotional pain. Though I have talked to people who have said they did it to feel something, anything, cuz they felt numb.
I sing,sketch,write stories,and snap a hair tie or some sort elastic band on my arm,when things start to get overwhelming/unmanageable. I do different things depending on what my body needs,being on the autistic spectrum,I was taught to do many different things,even at the same time,to help keep my body calm.
Oh, my gosh! This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear RIGHT NOW! I lost my temper at work due to my new manager being a very unkind person and not open the the fact that I miss work due to complications with my Kidney transplant and there are times when I am really sick. This was when I was working for a library. I chose to do that because I really like to help people, especially with computers. I had never gotten a bad employee review. Ever. He did not care at all about that, and he was really manipulative about it. He appeared to be kind and understanding. But he wasn't. He put enough stress on me that after I missed a day of work, and the next day I was able to come back in, being better, with a doctor's note. He was going to write me up anyway and simply denied the acceptance of my Doc's Note. This was the last straw and I blew up and said "Fine. I resign" and walked out. For the first week it was terrible. But this week, I found a few things: 1. I was no longer stressed about waking up each morning about going to work and having to deal with him. 2. It actually gave me both what I wanted and needed - time to work on my transition to go back to the IT field and focus on getting my Certificates done. But watching this whole video was amazing. You have helped me feel better in ways I didn't eve realize I needed. Thank you so very much.
I never learned how to cope with anything. Not traditionally, anyway. I had one emotionally abusive parent, and both were neglectful (one more so than the other) and any time I tried expressing any emotion other than happiness, I was told that I was being "over-dramatic," that I was "being a baby," and that I needed to "stop being so sensitive and taking things so seriously," or I'd be in trouble. So, the only thing I learned was to bottle any and all negative feelings up, until they finally boiled over and I snapped at someone. However, I really got into writing once I started attending public school, so I had a way to vent about my problems through "fictional" characters. But some of my stories were apparently so dark/disturbing (or something) because by the time I was in High school, one of my favorite teachers called my mom and said he was worried about me. He also sat down with me after class one day and asked me if I was okay. Naturally, I lied and said yes. Writing helps me, but only to a certain degree.
girl, if you can (and you are not afraid that this teacher is gonna tell your parents/other people if you ask them not to) please open up to that teacher or find affordable or free therapy in your area. The only reason I am alive today is because I talked to some people in my life( some teachers and a therapist) about some of my stresses. I would strongly advise to search in the internet for any public therapy providers if that is available at your area because I swear therapy is gonna make a difference in your life if you find a therapist you click with.
if you are a minor, have that at the back of your mind for when you will be able to go to therapy without the permission of your parents, and for now continue writing even if they are dark stories, drawing, singing everything. It's ok to write disturbing stuff at times, darkness is inside us all and if you have the way to express yourself through art you should consider it a gift. Also, you are definitely not alone I was in the situation you describe and I coped by writing and music until I was able to speak to some adults in my life and then a therapist about my family situation and with time I started feeling better and things got somewhat easier to manage. You have something valuable to add to the world and I know it gets better
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I found it reassuring that every time you listed a different method, I could think of times where I'd done something in that style. I have ALL THE STRATEGIES!
I also had my "angry" music on prior to help calm me down. In the process of calming down another thing set me off so crying needed to happen. Now I'm ready for the upbeat music now.
So I would say that in any stressful situation I’m solutions focused/problem focused. I get so much anxiety from whatever bad thing is happening I have to give myself a game plan so I can feel like I have a solution or control over the situation. And this can be great but it can also be very bad. I have stayed in very toxic situations, jobs etc. because I always think I can fix it, I can make it better. Now a lot of that is because that was the role I was given as a child. But I just wanted to point out that there is a downside to be solutions focused when you try to fix something that shouldn’t be fixed when you should really just walk away.
Deckers, thank you both so much for this channel. I've needed therapy for years and couldn't afford it or couldn't justify it as a great enough need; and when I finally did in April this year, I've had a lot of trouble finding someone in my area who also accepts my insurance - like many others, I know. I've had several insights thanks to your videos and I wanted to take a moment to say thanks 💓 If I don't get canceled on again, I should be starting trauma therapy toward the end of this month 🤞
Best of luck with you, I hope you get support! I feel the same way and I live in the UK so there is still a wide disparity in the therapy or help that we need and the resources available. In many cases I speak to people who ask "Why can't the NHS help with that?" the thing is it's always something like covid (even now) that stops them from providing the consistent ongoing help and they prescribe medication and it's very unlikely to have anything more suitable to the individuals needs to recover from trauma without going private.
What I've been struggling a lot with is switching my unhealthy coping mechanisms for healthy ones. There is just so much comfort in the familiarity of the old bad habits I've developed but they aren't serving me anymore. In particular, I avoid what's bothering me or just my thoughts in general by binge watching shows and videos. I also eat my emotions and there isn't much that is quicker at giving me a happy high than eating junk food... I have been working on it with emotional and solution therapy but the struggle is still real and when I am in crisis they are still my go-to's. I would be interested in knowing more about how to make that shift of coping mechanisms.
It is definately a process to change between unhealthy and healthy coping mechanisms, but what is good is that you are recognizing and acknowledging that difficulty. That awareness helps you to make decisions that will benefit you. Making a video on how to shift between coping mechanisms is a great idea!
Thanks for the vid! It helped me realize that I actually had some good coping mechanisms when I was a pre-teen and I had horrible (PMS) periods that turned my mood into a tornado and I had overwhelming pain and discomfort (it is actually a medical condition that is frequently invalidated which I got better help for later on). I would use earphones and blast rock music for a few songs, transitioning into upbeat, then calming (if I had started with calming first, I would just get more annoyed and frustrated). This strategy continued to help some when I ended up experiencing panic attacks in my late teens, and I checked and I realized it was so effective that my heart rate would slow and return to normal. I may just try this strategy again! Of course, it is a very personalized approach so all I could say for anyone is to try it on for size, see if it is or isn't your cup of tea - speaking of tea, chamomile was and still remains a favourite of mine. My team could be arguing and anxious and I'm listening, sipping tea like I'm British or something (it helped me not respond too quickly) then I'd come in with my thoughts after I absorbed how others are feeling. This may be grossly frustrating to say, a new team, them arguing, me sipping tea, but I give them some time.
I love this! I used to use this as a coping mechanism when I was in middle and high school when I had to go on vacations with my family and inevitably it would turn into a horrible argument in the car that I couldn't get away from. I made myself specialized playlists that would start with angry high energy songs, move into defeated and sad songs, and then turn to hopeful and happy songs. Worked really well for those specific situations actually -and turning the music up on my headphones loud enough so that I couldn't hear my parents screaming was a bonus. Unfortunately I began to gravitate to less healthy coping mechanisms like self harm in college, so I'm still working thru that
This was so beautiful! I could think of examples of every category, good and bad, past and present. It really put into focus things I could journal about in my own journey of self discovery post marriage. Thank you so much for every video you post!
So because of how high my daily baseline of stress is and how mundane events can severely impact me (imagine stage fright level stress) i have to resort to physical activity or pressurepoint to engage the parasympathetic nervous system to disengage my sympathetic nervous system. I can't rely on or use mental or emotional gymnastics except to distract or accept emotional stress so i can then physcally DO something. It's not easy, but after some practice and daily use it works to cope internally
What a great video!! Been struggling with a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and it’s interesting to discover why they’re unhealthy and how I can change them. I used to try so hard to quit it all together and then I’d get mad at myself when I inevitably went down the same path again without even noticing. Replacing them with healthy coping mechanisms has been a LOT more effective. Not there yet, but I’m improving. I love these videos, seriously. You’re always so calm and kind and nonjudgmental, which helps me put my guard down and assume that attitude towards myself.
Replacing the unhealthy mechanisms with healthy ones, really is the key. If we just try to remove the unhealthy ones, with nothing in its place, it's too easy to slip back into old patterns. Thank you for all your kind words! We really love having you here, and are glad you love the videos!
I totally agree! For me I get trapped in a loop of guilt and self loathing because my current coping mechanism is self harm. I'd try to quit cold turkey and when I inevitably relapsed, I felt horrible and used self harm to deal with that feeling, and so the feedback loop continued. Even in therapy they only really cared about getting me to *not* self harm, like there was no advice on how to replace self harm as a coping mechanism it was just "make sure WHATEVER you do you DONT self harm", which was such unhelpful advice that only perpetuated the habit ):
I definitely feel like I learn something or funnel it into things a lot. When my parents split I had up to that point knew not to speak when dad was around so I learned sign language and ranted my emotions to myself. When I left my fiance I learned diesel mechanics. Recently I pulled piano back into my life and took up running. Positives can always come from negatives and there's something to be learned from everything is what I've been reminding myself for years.
Can you please review these movies? These are my top related movies that made me cry and feel so emotinal.... 1) Perks of being a Wallflower. 2) Freedom Writers. 3) What Dreams may Come. Apologies for the sudden movie requests... Theses movies are something ive dealt with in the past and it's these movies I feel people dont talk about enough with suppressed childhood traumas, violence or poverty/school life, and depression....
before I put myself in a new environment, I always plan a way out before I put myself into it in case I change my mind. I moved in with my dad who I barely knew, and I planned a way that I could stay with a friend, move in with my grandparents, or move back in with my mom if I didn't want to live with him anymore, but all of those options ended up failing, so when I see PDD I will tell them that I need to move out, and maybe they can set something up for me where I get more of what I need than I can get with my dad. I don't know if you have heard of autistic burnout, but that is what I am experiencing. I need quiet, time, and solitude, and I am not getting those things here. I am getting help with my schooling which is great, but I have other needs too that are not being met. If I take the time to recover from autistic burnout, I think that I can then live up to his expectations to do as well as I did in school last year, but I will probably need to do the same thing after the school year. I also do a lot of emotion focused coping. Whenever I am angry, or annoyed, I know that if I talk about it, the people I am with will act as if my problems aren't a big deal, so I channel it into shoveling snow, or working on my school work, and I also need to practice breathing so that my health problems from anxiety, and stress don't cause me too much physical pain in my hands, and feet because they become too tense when I hyperventilate, and they constrict so that they cause me physical pain. I think the best way to handle these problems is to get my own place where I can have quiet, and time that I need to just relax when things get too stressful so that I can manage my emotions easier, and am able to tolerate things better. It would also help with focusing my mind on school instead of my problems, and make my memory better which will also help with my school. I need to take care of myself, so that I can do my school work easier, and therefore better. I suppose that I already have a bunch of these coping skills.
when I was almopst raped by an ex, I went deep into denial for a few years. It all came back out when I was long distance dating my now husband and he talked me through it and helped me move past it. I'll think about it every now and then and it doesn't seem to really affect me any more. yes what happened to me sucked, but I got out of it. I moved past it. He can't hurt me and his actions that day cannot control me any more. Now I just need to get myself to forgive my cousin for taking advantage of me and molesting me when I was 9 and he was 13.
I look back at my childhood and challenging any of my family's beliefs or the people in my church's beliefs was a big NO NO. It was "disobedient" to do that especially to my parents.
Hey, here’s a question! How to move forward after a parent (or other close loved one) commits suicide. I don’t even know where to start with that one 😅. It’s been four years and still I feel completely lost and confused, unsure if I’m supposed to feel angry or abandoned or mournful or everything in between. I’d appreciate whatever insight you have :)
Hi, I am so sorry that you are having to go through the loss of one of your parents. I would really like to talk with you about that because it is such a monumental thing to go through, and really deserves one on one conversation rather than a quick comment here. Can you please use this link to book a free 15 minute call with me? www.go.oncehub.com/JonathanDecker
How do you stop overthinking? No matter what situation I get in, I always look through every possible scenario, every thing that can go wrong, every unrealistic thing that can happen, and it often keeps me from doing anything. My mom says that the reason I am not as successful in things as I wish to be is because I have to cleanse everything that’s going on in my head, because all of these thoughts are garbage that obscure my life. My friends tell me that I think too much whenever I have to draw, make a video, write an essay, etc. And a lot of time when I would feel attracted to someone, I would think of them so much I can’t focus on my life anymore. At times I would overthink about every single thing that would go wrong with that person and that would build up my insecurities and lower my self image. Is it a me problem or is there a way to manage that?
Maybe practice doing something with less thinking? Like maybe practice acting on small harmless impulses? Idk, just an idea, hope you find something that helps!
I would love a video on Jonathan Haidt's _The Happiness Hypothesis._ For me, the book was very important in finding better ways to deal with certain unhealthy habits. One theme of the book is that consciousness rides the unconscious like a rider on an elephant. If the elephant wants to go somewhere, it does. That is why New Year's Promises aren't very effective - it is the rider that makes the promises and then shouts at the elephant to stop doing what it wants to do. And the elephant ignores the rider. To learn or break the habit, you need to find a way to talk to the elephant. Would be interesting to hear what a therapist says. (And since you're a man of faith, Romans 7:15-24)
Thanks for the suggestion for the review, we will add it to our list of requests. And thank you for the bible verses too. I can see your connection there. Check out Romans 6:18 😀
I think coping for me means partly denial by playing videogames for relationship problems & problems caused by procrastinating & the climate catastrophe, partly problem-focused by reading about COVID on (mostly german) Med-Twitter and trying to inform myself generally, and partly catharsis by playing videogames, again... But hey, at least I like my job^^ I already knew this wasn't especially healthy, but typing it out brings it home again. So thank you for the video, now I'm thinking about going back to therapy. What also really interests me, even though I don't know if it falls into your wheelhouse, would be a video with some suggestions on how you can figure out if you should have children in your relationship. Anyway, thanks again for the video, it's very helpful, at least in understanding ;) And great length for rewatching!
I've had videogames be both a functional and dysfunctional coping mechanism. I think looking at how you are feeling _after_ the coping helps to distinguish. E.g. if I feel like my emotions have gotten a place to settle (I'm less overwhelmed, less emotional) then it helped. Usually it also wasn't an overly long session. If I feel just as (or more!) frustrated (my teammates sucked ugh!); it didn't help, and I was probably avoiding something else that I could've better dealt with. I think the same counts for doom scrolling news/twitter etc. In bad cases stopping yourself and looking at what _would_ maybe help can be good. I've found that sometimes explicitly taking quality time with my partner is way better, or walking outside for a bit etc. That doesn't mean that sometimes other stuff doesn't have it's place! But be mindful of what it is giving you is super helpful :)
Hi! Thank you for your comments. That is a good suggestion for a video, and we will put in on our list of requests. I am glad that the video has helped you! Video gaming can be both a healthy and unhealthy mechanism, depending on how, when, and why is is used. If you would to have a talk with Jonathan, you are welcome to book a free 15 minute discovery call using this link: www.go.oncehub/JonathanDecker
Godday Jonathan Decker, Thank you so much for making these videos. But you said not long ago that you had a panick attack from all the stress and I would prefer if you publish videos in a way it doesn't destroy you. i hope you feel better 🍀 A question I have is what the difference between being a psychopath and having Antisocial Personality Disorder is or if it is the same thing. Thank you for your time
Hoping this vid will help I have no idea how to cope besides the automatic maladaptive ones Ive been told some but none work enough Well check back it is 1 am Ok seems like i needed the 2nd, and 3rd, mostly This hasnt helped too much with that but has in general Thank you
That mug with the tree!!! So lovely and cozy - was it made by a local artist where you live? I always love hearing about Jane Austen biographies or related books, but until I read all her stuff I am so nervous about spoilers! What did you and Jason end up watching?
Hello Jonathan, is this something you learned at uni or do you maybe have some book / literature references for me? I read about problem-focused and emotion-focused coping, but I didn't know about the two others so far. Thank you for the video!
I can understand doing creative things when you aren't feeling great. I am sure that if you continued to do those things when you are happy, you would find that you could express your happiness through them too. It may just look like a different style of art, and done for different reasons. For happiness, fun, and fulfillment instead of coping and processing feelings and situations.
I don't know what category this falls under, but when I'm feeling shite I tend to try and distract myself with a good comedy (anything by Monty Python works a treat, or Fawlty Towers, or Galaxy Quest is another good one) so I can try to change my mood for at least the length of whatever. Or I turn things into really dark humour -- like the day some idiot put his fist through my front door and his blood was everywhere and he scared me shitless, actually trying to break in, and I posted it on Facebook the next day as "world's worst knock-knock joke." But then I did spend a good twenty something years or so with undiagnosed depression and anxiety, so ... fun times. I guess ... If I can't make a joke out of a thing, that's when I know it's super serious. Stuff like infertility I wish I could talk about it more, but then people would get sick of hearing it. So I bottle and bottle and bottle and it all explodes out to one big tear-fest and I find myself unable to do anything else. Autistic me will rock, stim, give my head a good bashing with the ball of my hand if the pain is really bad. In calmer moments I can focus on a picture or on my writing. I'm really putting myself out here and I know what RU-vid comments sections are like, so please don't crap all over this whatever you do.
We have a lot of stray cats in my area so one of my destressers is feeding and petting them. No one can feel stressed surrounded by purring. Just saying.
So is blaring music in my ears to the point that I can’t hear anything outside good or bad? Im a nerodivergent teen and it’s my was of dissociating and just wanted to know if it was healthy or not
Know them all. Personally 😂. I'd not be here without them but damn, when they're too close of your friends, it's reasonable to consider if it's not you but the world around you.
So I have a question. Can you have all 4? I used to only have one then my therapy helped me move to more than one. I now see them all. One is more the main way but I do have different ones based on the situation.
Liquid vitamin D (sunshine in a bottle), vitamins n supplements, greens & fruits & veggies, eliminate or limit sugar and alcohol, positive affirmations, journal, write "I am good enough." Soemwhere you will see everyday like a mirror, put some makeup on, do hair, shower and dress, listen to or read motivation speeches & quotes & podcasts, read books, learn a new skill, help or be of use to someone, fundraiser or help a charity
