what i learned about friendship from leaving New York 

I live in So Cal. I found my closest friends to be people living here who moved from other places. It might be harder for you living in OC other than other parts of So Cal--just a thought.

I get what you’re saying SO DEEP! The older I get, the less time, patience, and desire I have to spend time with people who have different values than me. I think you’re onto something good here, Elizabeth.

Over 50 here. 2 close friends at this point in my life. Just 2. Lots of acquaintances. Many dropped off as I grew and changed. I’d love seeing daily videos from you… I learn so much from you

Every single word of this is true. We just moved back north from a very red state. Even the acquaintances are better. We (my husband and I) have followed you for many years. I wish you could get an extended visit with your family. It will refill your vessel. Hugs from your parents will work miracles. Sending love from Delaware.

I moved from North California to Tennessee for family. I strongly dislike it here. And I am so afraid of being open and honest about my feelings.

After college is over it is really tough finding new friends. Also with Covid it seems more difficult to find people too since I'm not comfortable with too many people without my mask and their mask on too.

Come home, Elizabeth! We're all still here and get you!

Yes. Completely. 12 years and 4,000 miles from the friends who held me up through everything. I miss them every day and leaving them is the biggest regret of my life. I hope you get to go home. Those people, that community, is everything. (And your kids!)

I moved to Manhattan Beach in 1989 after graduating law school. I made friends but it never felt like home. I moved back to Iowa in 1996 (while things were still good politically) I don't regret it one day. Start planning now, you have a year!

I do get it. I moved to SC from PA and NJ. And the culture shock was so bad that I did a freeze and fawn for about 5 years. Now I have my tribe, but my best best friend is in LA.

This video got me very emotional. Been feeling the same heart longing for women friends I can connect with locally. It does get harder as you get older. And friends get lost along the way. Unfortunately I haven’t a place to go home to. I feel like I never really found that special soul circle. (I am from LA; maybe that’s why?) I couldn’t agree more about the culture there. I actually left LA 50 years ago. Now my daughter wants to move there. Ah, Life.

IL native for 68 of my 70 years. Moved to TN to retire. Huge mistake! I MISS my girlfriends desperately 😢

Northern Cal/Sonoma County may have more of the vibe you are seeking.

Wow! Seems like what you said really struck a chord with many of us! My situation is the reverse, though: my 2 very best friends (my sister and my cousin, we all lived within 4 miles of each other) moved from my area just before Covid struck. My sister and I have a very very close relationship, so when my husband passed in 2013, she became even more important in my life, she became MY PERSON. She became the one I could consult on decisions, etc that my husband and I would have discussed. I am not exaggerating when I say that I was shattered and speechless when she told me she was moving. So then my cousin became my person....3 years later, my cousin told me she was moving.....so although there are occasional in person visits, chats on the phone with them, Facetime and texts, it is NOT the same as them being here so we could get together to shop, go the movies, eat, go to events, etc. I have a few friends...but not like my sister and cousin. I have a comfortable life, I have the most wonderful kids who also have wonderful partners and the most amazing 8 year old grand daughter!! But I miss my 2 best friends and my husband every day. If you got this far, thanks for listening and big thanks to you, ECM! Sending love and peace to all!

Cover pavers w indoor outdoor rugs- that should help.🌿

This hit home - I am from the Bay Area (Northern California) there use to be a lot of depth in the north . I am living in NJ now 28 years . Friendship in this state has been a struggle - when you stated “school base” community’s that’s the state of NJ. We don’t have kids. I have friends all over the world that I value - I wish we all live in the same block

One thing comes to mind for me is that you moved there at the worst possible time where you spent two years isolated inside your home. You had no chance to make friends. That's affected everything for everybody. Also, I really believe that you can't go home again. I moved back to my "home" many years ago. The friends I missed and stayed in touch with while I was gone had created new lives and I never fit in like I did before. They had also changed a lot. I had changed a lot, so we just didn't have the things in common nor the bonds we once had. Maybe, if you are open to it, the next year will make a difference to you. I hope so.

The universe will make it so easy for what ever is next. Everything will align. It’s how I knew moving to Alaska in ‘96 from Minnesota was right. And then 13 years later my move from Alaska to MN. (I moved back so that I could make honest connections with nieces and nephews) stayed there 2 years and then my move to SOCAL was again magical………a lifetime of experiences lived in CA. 2019 back to AK. 🤷🏻‍♀️Community is so important. Authentic community! At 57 I have no time for BS connections. You will be where you are supposed to land. ❤️

I’m a midwesterner and my family moved to San Francisco with our 2 month old. I knew one person here and had just left my job and had an infant and no friends. There was culture shock and financial freak outs about the cost of living but we settled in and found a handful of friends we connected with. ( they are Canadian so maybe similar ish background helped). We have school of choice here( sort of but that is a whole different conversation) so when we chose an elementary school it was easy to find like minded parents that had ended up at the same school. Some of these people are still my friends but now that our kids are grown I realize that I’ve grown apart from the group because they weren’t people I would naturally have bonded with anyway. Those friendships aren’t like your life long friends, through thick and thin and college, 20s and early 30s friends. When I turned 50 I joined a hiking group and found my actual people. It was refreshing to meet people who didn’t know me, my husband, or my kids at this age. For that reason it is quite unique. You are in the thick of it with your kids so other school family friendships will just be a thing for a bit. The pandemic surely didn’t help anyone make friends. I hope that no matter what you choose to do, you will find those unique situations and find new friends you really share interests with.

Community is everything. In this society it's hard to find it. Love to you.

I've been doing my own rounds of this... so feel you. What I'll offer: leases can be broken (for a hefty price, I'm sure), and so can any other ties. Moving is expensive AF when you're in the middle of commitments, but sometimes it's well worth it. You've got this, whatever you do.

I feel perhaps for you It's a case of when, not where, that you are experiencing this sense of not belonging. I presume many of your NY friendships were formed in your young womanhood, without kids, maybe before mortgages and car payments, divorces, and worry. As a way to shorthand it--your Sex & the City years. There's NOTHING like the friendships forged in the years of parallel growth and discovery and yes, fun. Those bonds are strong! I find Im able to make situational friendships in my 50s but theres no replacing the people who knew me when.

I think our roots begin in our early 20s. Mine began here in SoCal, so that is where I feel most at home. But when it comes to friendships, all my best girlfriends moved away. I stayed put. They left. My support network is all over the country. Phoenix Boston Kansas City Chicago Philadelphia So my “roots” are not grounded in just one place where I can move to. Also, when my kids were the same age as yours, I was the loneliest I’d ever been in my life. I just didn’t find my people in the mom groups that were exactly like you described: twofaced, judgey, untrustworthy, unsafe. It took time, but now that my kids are teenagers and more self sufficient, I found the time to work on myself and give my soul what it was missing. I found strong women friendships. They are unrelated to one another, so not one core group. But we’d do anything to be there for one another at a moment’s notice. They are my medicine. They heal me with just a text or a date on the back porch where we can talk for hours without interruption. I can go months without speaking to them because just KNOWING that they are in my life grounds me. My point? You’ll get there. You’ll find them. Right now your kids need you the most that they will ever need you. One day they will need you less - and as sad as that will be- it will be easier to connect with friends no matter where they live. PS. SoCal is HUGE. You have friends in other parts outside of the OC who get you and love you (ahem.) Love you and miss you. ❤ say the word and I’ll drive down from LA for a few hours.

Please don’t take offense because I totally relate to you, follow you, and want you to soar (I moved back from west to east coast for the very same reasons), however to grow your audience, please consider talking about what you *long* for, where your *heart* is, who your tribe is, instead of focusing on negatives of where you are now

I lived in LA for 17 years from age 18 to 35 and I felt the same way about friendships. Even though I lived some of the most important years of my life there, my friendships there were not as deep as I wished. I always though I was the problem and perhaps I was. I was immature and had issues to work through. However when o moved to NYC things changed quickly. NYC helped me grow personally and cultivate deep friendships. Now I’m ready to move again across the pond. Excited/scared for what’s to come. Hang in there. Big hug.

I feel this so much and I've lived with a 25 mile radius my entire life. When I worked pre-kids, I had superficial relationships, then when my kids were little, I had friendships with other Moms, we homeschooled for the first seven years and I loved our group which was very eclectic and open minded, but when my kids went to school, and many of the other did, too, while I still kept in touch through social media, we were all too busy to really stay in person connected. School/travel sports meant more superficial friendships, and then my youngest graduated in 2020. I moved on from all the superficial friendships to nothing. I'm now 62, my husband works from home and is very introverted. So here I sit, with little support. I'm very happy my younger son is home for the summer as we do a lot of things together with similar interests. My other son is two days away by car and dealing with stressful situation lately which does not give me any peace of mind. I hope that you are able to work through things and find what you need for support.

I left California because once I scratched the surface I realized all there was is more surface. NYC is calling you. Your tribe is calling you.

The main reason I’ve stayed in the Pacific Northwest is close proximity to dear, soul-sister friends made years ago in a women’s spiritual circle. The damp, rainy weather has never agreed with me. But at this point in my life, being within driving distance of these friends is more important to me. Of course now we have FaceTime and zoom, but not the same.

I experienced everything you described when I moved from Minneapolis to San Diego. It was extremely difficult to make true friends. Everyone I met had some kind of hustle. When I was interested in what they had to sell, they moved on without a backward glance. In the 30+ years I lived there I only made one good friend. I moved to Central Oregon and people are nice, but they had their established social circles and no room for newcomers. I’m originally from Boston and think this might be an east coast west coast thing. My best friends are in Minneapolis, Colorado and one in LA who moved there from SD. it’s sad.

put a carpet runner on the brick paving, it can also be wet down

I think you'll go back. Most people do. I would consider that.

I'm sorry you are going through this. If I made a connection with you in California (I didn't, I live in Fl) seeing this would hurt my feelings. If you really have 0 connections maybe that is something to think about- moving or consider if we are expecting more out of others than they are able to give. I know as an adult I have to initiate social plans or they will not happen. Hugs and I hope things more in a more positive direction.

Nice patio for a kiddie pool 😊

Stay in CA; it’s better in so many ways than multiple other states. Yes there shady people in Orange County (republican). Come to Sacramento area where there is so much diversity. Davis, a college town is good too. Vacaville where I moved is good too. But my family is 60 miles away. That’s hard but I will commute to family, instead of work (I’m retired).

I think you are fabulous.

I moved 18 times in the first 20 years of my life, including moving out of the country and back by the time I was 18. Talk about not fitting in🙄 I never have still dont, probably never will . My last move was 18 years ago from Miami to the side of a mountain in the woods 5 miles outside of town in western NC. I’ve spent the last 11 years out here by myself. What I have to say about all of this is I’ve never moved anywhere where I was able to get established with friends in five years. It takes an extraordinarily long time to find your people if you ever do, when you move. My closest friends, most of which I haven’t even seen physically in 45 years, but thanks to the Internet we are able to stay connected. I have exactly one woman friend that I met here in the states in 1980. I suspect it’s my truly bizarre personality that’s caused this however, my oldest friends and I have discussed how long it takes to become connected in a new place. You’ve only been there five years. In the next 5 to 10 years you would probably establish one or two of the kind of friendships that you need. That said this late in life do you want to spend that much time hoping that will happen? You really haven’t been there long enough to set down roots, not like you had a New York. They say we can’t go home again and I found that to be true but that doesn’t mean that would be true for you. My gut tells me that you would flourish if you went back to New York . Actually, I envy that. My entire circle in Miami has evaporated. I go back once a year and now there’s nobody left. mind you I was there for 30 years. one day there won’t be any reason for me to go back which makes me sad because I love it very much. I’m sure you’re going to make the right decision for yourself and your kids. You’ve got this. Even when you think you don’t you do. 💪🏻

I need to find my tribe. I don't feel like I fit in either. It's harder to make friends in my 50s because I am much more discerning.

My best friend refuses to leave NYC but I can not imagine living there . To each their own, I suppose. We are on the phone and texting all day long (also love that she’s up during my sleepless early hours) and I couldn’t live without her albeit long distance. “A sunny place with shady people” feels accurate. My children are my best friends here.

Lack of depth is a real problem in some places. Luckily my experience growing up as a weirdo in the mostly conformist suburbs helped prep me for adulthood back in the suburbs due to housing and school needs (and now older parent needs). Many years of listening to people talk about little-league gossip were endured while I kept in touch with my urban music and art friends. Slowly, by embracing art and artists in the burbs, I have found some good people, including women who are curators and creative entrepreneurs. I still want to move in the future. I like to keep it moving.

I'm going through the exact same thing right now, and am in the middle of moving back to my home state up north from FL. Even the sand idea is similar. I love the beach, but it's not enough to make up for the other stuff (you know the political and social climate here--'nuff said). Whenever someone asks me what I miss about NY/NJ, I say 'the terrain'--it's solid, dependable, has depth; tough and predictable, just like the people. I moved here mainly because I HATE the cold, but like you, feel like a bit of an alien among the people here. I often have to watch what I say, and to who(m?), and that's not my nature.

Ileft NYC 12 years ago to take care of mother-in law in Central CA. Now she is gone and although I have her dilapidated bungalow, and it is so beautiful here and I am miserable. Everyone here is Polite but no one is very Nice and NOT Real. You can drown in the BS and the nothing happening... I have not found "people '' here And now I am too old! 60! I am lonely in a lovely place... stuck.. (also my boy liked it too) ?

My heart hurts for you, Elizabeth. I am probably one of the people who encouraged you to make that move. I should have known better. Remembering the many times I’ve made such choices and found myself so lonely in a place where I had expected to be joyful. I do think the pandemic robbed you of a more normal experience. There is a lesson here, that we need to factor in the value of our friendships first before setting sail for new shores. I wish you well as you make decisions for the future.

Time to go home girl . How exciting!

I so am in your shoes…… I’ve gone through & am going through what you are…. My 3 children disowned me, & now I had to retire due to 2strokes, AND I have joined your Mobilize 2024 group and I’m struggling to do it. I have almost no computer skills, I did your Monday talk and couldn’t reply cause I didn’t know how…. I’m just doing a day at a time…..If you need anything,this email is really just about that!!! I’m a trauma healer/informed & maybe I can share some “thrive” ideas! Thank you, Meg

Northern California might be better option???

Thanks!

Have you looked at Long Beach? It is the farthest thing from Irvine. We have many different neighborhoods. We have art, museums, culture (lots) and new, strong city leadership. Housing costs are a b****, but not worse than where you are. And schools-- I was a life long educator. I worked in a district w a great reputation but I knew how the sausage was made. My kid had the BEST education here in LB. Think about it.

❤ agreeeeeee

The universe will answer you and keep this in mind, if your kids settle there when they leave home they will be across the country from you. You don’t want to miss any moment of being a grandma. Where you settle with your kids is where they probably settle. New York sounds like a mess right now but it’s evidently a mess you love.

True

I guess money can't, buy happiness, I guess?

I only lasted 2 years in CA. It was not home for this CT Yankee. Do not think COVID has helped your situation.

And have you joined your Dem club. You will find way more like minded people. Progressive like you and caring like you.