This makes me cry because I was literally forbidden to be mad when I was kid. I've once grounded for be breathing too heavy (for my father a obvious proff o wasad). Ps: I have asthma and bronchitis.
Emotions do not necessarily justify or absolve action. I have to explain this to grown ass humans pretty regularly. If only someone taught them as children! *sigh*
i wish my mom was like this!! if i even have a negative emotion on my face she gets upset at me over it and sometimes yells at me over it; so i wish she shared this belief that way when she was mad too she wouldn’t take it out on me. because apparently she’s the only one allowed to have emotions.
@@mayab.8070 FOR REAL. They have options and the two they just have to stick to are absolutely fine and all that grumpiness goes away at dinnertime. :) I don't have kids, but as a former kid, I see this as reasonable.
@@dianarune9704 literally, i don't have kids either, but i hope that by the time i do i'm mature enough to handle a little grumpiness from a toddler (esp, one that i made lol)
My mum (back in the 90s!!! Ahead of the times lol) used to say "You're allowed to FEEL YOUR feelings, but you're not allowed to HURT MINE ." Looking back, yeah she somehow managed to gentle parent an ADHD kid with minimal spouse support (dad, you sucked) while also being a full time carer for a venomous (even before the dementia) mother in law. Imma go call my mum and tell her she's awesome.
Honestly I'm so glad you had a dad who responded like that. Do you think it helped though? I don't want to make an assumption because these things can often come off differently to us as kids.
Gentle parenting isn’t about letting your child do whatever they want. It’s about not beating a child at the first sign of disobedience and actually understanding their feelings
The amount of people shocked that other people's parents don't hit them and actually just respond to them and help them is making me realize exactly why we have so many fucked up people in this world. Ppl that hurt other ppl and ppl that hurt themselves.
I’ve come to realize that gentle parenting is about having a conversation and teaching them how to have one as well. It also teaches them emotional intelligence and regulation. Something even many adult lack.
@@Katness07 Yes! I'm the 40 year old parent of two 70 year old children. At least that's how it feels. I have had to placate their respective 5 and 13 year old emotional intelligence my whole life. I love my parents, but I do not like my parents.
@@chesneymigl4538after 18 years of parenting… somewhat as this channel depicts… I went to work as the cook at the local nursing home. With all due honor and respect for the residents we collectively cared for…. It very much can be like taking care of 200 pound toddlers. In pretty much every way you might think of. (Of course, more or less depending on each individual resident and even that could vary day to day)
“You get to be mad, you do not get to take it out on me.” I don’t even have kids. But I do know a lot of adults that need to hear this phrase too. Thank you so much for this.
Lmao I’ll have to use that, my kiddo loves helping though, even though that makes it longer😭😂 she’s 4 so it’s mostly me making sure she doesn’t hurt herself helping.
I do this with my step sons! They also get to be the food testers if they are complaining they are hungry. I taste everything when I cook. I've actually taught the middle child how to tell when it needs more flavouring like the difference between needing salt or pepper. He's only 12.
The stealthy validation of feelings “makes sense it’s almost dinner time” just peak human being a good human right there, let alone as a parent. Awesome
Fun fact: I was once told "You don't get to be mad, you're not an adult" by my father. And by told, I mean I tried to tell him I needed some time cause I was angry and was trying to not take it out on anyone, she he screamed it in my face. Don't be like my dad, be like her for the love of all that is good and holy.
He didn't want you to reply "well you're mad" so he added "you're not an adult". He could have used this moment to realize his own hypocrisy instead of saying dumb shit.
Similar experience with my father, he told me “you are a child you can’t be stressed, you aren’t working” or the classic change up “you aren’t a child anymore look how tall you are!” So basically if I’m tall for my age I’m automatically not a child anymore? SMH parents be contradicting themselves left and right
i heard similar things growing up (direct quotes): "wait til youre an adult, THEN tell us your opinion" "you are NOT tired, you never do anything all day" *after having gone to school that day and having gone to work after school* the quote in your comment "that happens to everyone" "everyone feels that way" "you are very fortunate" *my moms way of passively calling me a spoiled ungrateful shit when i had the slightest complaint about her*
The biggest thing is to make sure you are dealing with your own issues, and we all have them, before you have kids. Because trust me, they will find and push every button you have. 😳🤣
I wish my mom and her whole side of the family had been like this. Their logic: You don't get to be mad, or sad, or show anything that isn't happiness, because you should be grateful we (insert whatever they're doing) and not (insert extreme abuse)" I'm now 30 and I'm in therapy to understand my own feelings 🙃
Yes! The most toxic part of my childhood was being not allowed emotions and now I’m scared to show emotions infront of everyone. Seeing her say that their allowed to be angry is so soothing
Practice regulating your emotions now. Learn your triggers and coping techniques for smaller situations now and it will become easier with larger situations in the future that have more dire consequences. Your emotional maturity grows, in turn allowing your intelligence to grow with it.
@@jesuschristiskingandsavior461 She's not painting Gentle Parenting one way or another. Example A is what some people assume/falsely claim is Gentle Parenting but is actually just being a pushover and not raising your child. Example B is Gentle Parenting because she is parenting. She's teaching the kid how to properly regulate their emotions and not lash out at others, setting clear expectations on how a situation is going to continue and offering responsible choices on how the child can proceed. Taking a sip of water can help ease a hungery tummy till dinner is ready and occupying their mind with observing mom not only helps them pass time but is also a good learning moment. And reading is always a good choice
I love the "giving them a choice" approach because it diffuses their anger and makes them feel like they actually wouldn't mind doing one of the 2 options 😅
It also switches their brain into thinking/deciding mode. Thinking mode and angry mode are two very different things and most brains can’t do both at the same time.
I wish somebody told that to my parents growing up, I figured it out somewhere around the preteenage era, but they didn’t figure it out until I was in my twenties and could more firmly set boundaries.
Love it love it. "Makes sense, it's almost dinner time" "You get to be mad, you don't get to take it out on me" Validating of their feelings, while holding real life expectations of reacting to those emotions. Choices for follow up, one with personal space, or one with Mama's company. Fantastic.
Honestly I love the way it actually is cause the first one seems almost like they are being “babied”. The way she does it teaches so many skills for just basic living
Yeah I say both things to my son, especially the getting to be mad but not taking it out on me/daddy/sister/tv/random toys/walls/windows/etc etc... It usually just angers him even more
I wished my parents would’ve said the lines “You’re allowed to be mad” once in my life. I literally grew up being a pushover and never actually getting ‘mad’ in my life because as soon as I felt anger I had to block out my emotions because it felt like I was breaking the law or smth
Same . Literaly stuck up for myself with a work situation for the first time ever at 38 yrs old 😆 u are not alone. Its being emotionally neglected btw what u just described
I was shamed when i got angry even when it was rightfull becouse "im your parents and cant speak tomme like that". Why not? You were the one who did it wrong, also you speak to me like that every time you get angry even if you are wrong... I feel ashamed til today for expressing my emotions.
@@Kaczyfunny Same. And actually, one time I was just completely fed up and didnt have the energy to hide that I was upset while my mom was yelling at me. Since I wasnt so expertly hiding my anger my mom decided that was a great time to say "there is something wrong with you" Thanks mom Not the first time she's said those words to me
Same. I was also made to feel bad for getting sad or upset in any way with how things were going. Which is why I'm currently 27 and JUST NOW coming to grips with just how fucked up my life has gotten while I've been sitting on the side telling myself "I'm fine, this is fine."
You give great advice and real "how to" examples. Thank you. I could have used these 30 years ago though... Glad you're here now and that you have so many people watching you.
Being a new parent to my 13 year old step daughter, as in we just got full custody a couple months ago You have helped make my life so much easier by showing the difference with gentle parenting. As in you can be kind but use boundaries at the same time. Thankfully we have an amazing relationship and she has been through so much from her bio mom sadly that I am having to show her all life skills and helping her through attachment issues. Thank you for sharing as you do. It has helped me with growth but also showing me I don't have to exhaust myself trying to baby. Instead I am able to show life skills and guidance towards the world of showing her how to be self aware and respecful as well. I hope this makes sense what I'm trying to say lol.
Option 2 is a great parenting method. Don't let the kid feel empowered. Show them you're boss without having to react negatively but also show them that you still love them even while you're being firm with them. It teaches them patience and respect. 🥰
it _does_ let the kid feel empowered though, that's part of why it works. giving the kid choices so they feel some sense of control is a crucial part of this parenting style. if you don't want a power struggle, "showing the kid who's boss" isn't enough, you HAVE to give them ways to feel control and autonomy over their own life (read a book OR spend time with mom - they get to pick). they are humans too, and they desire a feeling of agency as much as any human. giving them safe/healthy ways to express that agency is part of teaching them how to be a safe/healthy human as they grow up.
@asterling4 I agree with your explanation of that. 🤔 But it doesn't work with all children. Some just LOVE pushing the boundaries and if not taught early on how good or bad consequences can get, then they'll never truly understand their wrongdoings or their righteousness. It's tough.
Exactlyyyy. My dad is always like “I’m not going to baby you throughout your whole life” and I’m like “no dad, I just don’t want you to yell at me because I said I’m hungry and it made you mad that I’m bothering you” like wtf
@@unicornsrice1667 bruh.. you can clearly see that she's frustrated with her child for being hungry. If you're someone who gets frustrated that easily, don't have children.
I wish I had you as a mom. I can't even explain just how much more safe and loved you make me feel thank you for being an amazing mom and person in general. My parents don't like the fact I'm bi and I can't even tell them about my gf but it feels like I can tell you everything
@@alyssajimenez1362 Because a lot of parents (including mine) invalidate or belittle us for having negative emotions. We need more people like her in the world.
@@sundogsun because our government won't negotiate with terrorists, we'll, they're not supposed to anyway. Usually said in hostage situations but if the hostage is important enough, they'll negotiate
This is what my parents say when we’re hungry before supper: “ the more hungry you are the more you’ll enjoy the meal” and:” just drink a big glass of water that’ll do it”
Yeah my mom did that then when I was able to eat I threw up and passed out soooo if my child is hungry and I can here their little tummies rumbling I’ll give them a snack or something to settle it.
@@clownussy7289 sounds like hypoglycemia to me not "just" being hungry. I'm hypoglycemic and that happens to me, but it isn't like that for everyone though. Some kids aren't actually hungry when saying that; often they just want junk the second that they want it.
My parents just always allowed fruit lol so even if it was midnight or 10 minutes till dinner fruit was always the option 🤷🏻♀️ Most of the time we’d just stick it out anyways though 💀
@@clownussy7289 That is definitely not supposed to happen. Idk maybe Rach up here was right..? Always eating or snacking the second you are hungry can also have negative health effects, particularly as the habit carries over in adult life. It's a bit like going to the toilet, if you gotta go you gotta go! But you're supposed to be able to hold it for pretty long actually, if you never hold you'll quickly get in trouble once you become a senior citizen :x
@@undefinederror40404 no no no....you don't not hold the toilet in at all, holding in the toilet can cause utis if you need to pee and if in the case of needing to poo it can cause constipation, blockages and can lead to ending up in hospital if these become severe. You're not meant to be able to hold the toilet for long periods of time and you just shouldn't unless you want a trip to the doctors or hospital because you end up causing yourself health problems
@@AnoukhHellstream same here. My 4 year old who is a very picky eater will eat raw spinach like chips and other veggies. My 2 eldest eat bell peppers lile apples and one will eat almost any veggie. There are some he hasn't tired yet.
Excellentl! Not many parents know to give their babies two or three options max to choose from! It works so well. It truly lessens the frustration for them. They feel like they gain back some control. Hope more people catch on to this!
My mom's response with me being hungry as a kid was mostly "ok, i'm cooking right now and you're hungry and you're mad about it. Come with me to the kitchen and help me cook so we can have dinner earlier". As i get older i realize that my mom might have noticed that i need to do something with my hands when i start to get cranky. Also, it might have been the roots of why i started angry and stress cooking. it could also be because of us being asians, idk
I like that answer, come help me cook. I think that might have been good for me if my mom did that with me. It would've been better than the abrupt snotty, "Well you're gonna wait til dinner's ready. Go find something to do." She never taught me how to cook so I'm not so sure I'd have learned if I hadn't gotten jobs in the kitchens of restaurants later in young adulthood.
I love this. We have practiced gentle parenting for almost 25 years. It is not about allowing your kids to do whatever. We have expectations and boundaries. It has worked extremely well for us.
I give this an A+. I love this style of parenting. It still shows you are the authority, you make the rules, and teaches respect. And the choices given were on point. Loved it.
As someone who’s nannied for over 14 years, this is how I interact with all of my littles! And it helps break bad habits parents sometimes don’t realise they’re forming. I love this❤️ Edit: Wow! Thanks for all the likes. Never ever thought I’d see numbers like these. Ma! Ya girl made it! Lol
@@kaboomsihal1164 The sexual term was taken *from* the term used to refer to children. Which is creepy, and a discussion for another video. You knew what she meant. But your brain went to sex. Edit: Y’all I’m a 24 year old woman. Noel Miller is my pfp because he’s funny. But the mansplaining comments are funny too, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
@@ILovHelloKitty13 thank you so much for mansplaining my own comment, you added nothing at all to the conversation and I bet you're patting yourself on the back for it, hm? I mean ... who would have thought that a sexual term for people pretending to be babies came from an actual word for babies?? Such news. Much wow.
10/10 parenting! My parents always say "stop crying or ill give you something to cry about" after they scream in my face. Then if I don't cry they call me a "sociopath" and a "spoiled brat". Life is tough
They really need to scrap the title "gentle" parenting, it puts so many people off. Being gentle is not the goal. Fostering a supportive and respectful relationship is. Many of the methods of "gentle" parenting are helpful and effective(effective over time)but many will resist even looking into it based on the name alone.
It's sad that folks get put off by the word "gentle". I get that it's a social issue and cultural and whatever, but man. It's kinda insane to be defensive against the idea that maybe we should be gentle with children. Like.... They're literally kids. Wtf.
I didn’t know I was doing gentle parenting to be honest! Until I started watching your vids! That just the way my mother brought us up, and that’s the way I am doing things with my daughter. Works amazing! Happy mommy! and happy kids .
Thank you so much for sharing these things with us!! I've always believed in gentle parenting but have never been able to implement it until you provided explanations and examples that actually make sense to me. My 6 year old asked me yesterday, while I was diffusing my 2 year old following your example "Mum, why are you so calm???" Thank you for helping me learn how to stop being so reactive!
My mom basically prohibited me from being mad as a kid bc whenever i got even the slightest bit angry she accused me of taking it out on her or attacking her, even if i had previously been ranting about something else and thats what made me mad so honestly this is so refreshing to see
If you wrote a book about gentle parenting I'd totally buy it. For real. Especially if it had these kind of things in it. Makes my heart melt every time 💖
This is a really great example of amazing parenting! It’s being a strong parent but also caring and not being rude or aggressive. I love it. Can you be my mom? Lol
Also I LOVE how you labelled the feelings being expressed! It took me well into my teens to be able to recognize my feelings because no one did something as small as saying "Why are you mad?" instead of saying "Quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about"
I'm 18 and still figuring out how to identify my own feelings because of this😭 my mom often gets mad at me bc she "never knows whats on my mind" even though I've tried to tell her that I just don't know what I'm feeling or thinking. It's very frustrating 😭
Absolutely this. I still don’t even know what I’m feeling most of the time. It’s like a guessing game for me. Is this happiness? Am I sad? Is this the anger I see in movies? Etc. It’s so difficult to tell people what/how I’m feeling if I don’t know what the feeling is
My kids know they're about to be in trouble if asked "do you need to take five?" This is the five minute break they take when they are starting to lose their self control and designed to teach them to self regulate by knowing when to remove themselves from the situation. They have the option of saying "no", but that means they need to find a calm voice and nicer words to discuss why they are upset. You can be angry, you can be mad, you can be upset, you cannot be violent, you cannot be throwing things, you cannot be screaming at me. This is particularly helpful with my 8yo who struggles more with self regulation and knowing when he's getting too worked up.
I literally just screenshotted this for future use. Thank you for posting it! I have a 2 year old and another baby on the way and sometimes I look for great explains on how to talk with them.
Right. Recognizing emotions is the start that many kids don't have. Then the introspection to take a moment and think why and what will actually be helpful vs feeling good in the moment. Also maturity...hormones changing effects the ability to think clearly and control oneself. But definitely about being responsible for yourself and having boundaries. I have a disabled child that has a hard time understanding this at age 8...that we are not just means to an end but our own people as well. Even though we've worked on that for a long time. But obviously it's something to work on for most of their youths. We have used some great workbooks on Amazon too to teach self-regulation and etc. For children. I like them too though! Lol
Im as childfree as they come due to my own trauma by my parents/childhood, but reading things like this almost makes me wish i could raise a kid the way i wish i was raised..
Thank you for this one!! For sure. You have the best approach to kiddos and ADVICE form an honest person. You seem wel balanced and to be raising happy, open, crazy, respectful children. Way! To go! And Thank you
"Oi, howling hooligan, why are you mad?" "You are allowed to be mad, you are not allowed to take it out on me." "We do not negotiate with terrorists." "You can either take a sip of my water and watch me cook, or you can go hang out with a book." This is how parenting should be done.
We can relate totally!!! One thing we’ve done is let the kiddos help with the cooking process and slowly they’ve learned what it takes to fill their bellies!!! 😜
Thank you for this. My ex talks to our son the first way, and I do the second. Guess who has better results and is raising the better version of our son 🤣
Yes! Just went thru this last night. Daughter turns 3 next week. Omg, I swear this woman is my spirt animal. Haha. That's great that you are doing that!
She lets her kid know that she's the one on charge, and she has him reading books? Not playing on a cell phone or watching Tik Tok? This woman is my hero. That is perfect parenting right there!
@@ilenastarbreeze4978 her ADHD is not her toddlers fault though. If she's running late preparing food, offer the little one a snack (or even have some grab-one-anytime snacks like apples out in the open)
@@theninja4137 if she was running late, I'm sure she would have offered at least a little snack. It seems that in this scenario, the child is just getting hungry because it's ALMOST time for dinner, and you know, human bodies demand food on the time you give it food if you give it at the same time everyday. Also, little hooligans cry for anything, they think they're dying whenever anything mildly uncomfortable happens. And water also tends to help with stalling hunger, so they can be less uncomfortable while waiting.
Ive been babysitting for a while and you can just tell she an amazing mom. The way she gave her child two options might not seem like a big deal but it's a very important thing if you want to coax children
imagine if my mom responded to me like this id genuinely be so happy that someone validates my feelings and gives me a choice and a right. thank u for being a good mom
Man, as someone who deals with parent councelling, it is so hard to teach parents the difference between parenting and coddling children, I cannot tell you.
I love that you are so genuine with this parenting stuff. I have a baby girl of two almost three. When I learn the habit my daughter is throwing at me, she figures out five new more habits for me to un puzzle. And when I say, your advice is so true. You help me out a lot as a single mother. 🥰
These have really helped me!!!! Thank you for these videos!!!! I grew up in a house that yelled a LOT!!!! So I have found I have become a yelling mom. Thank you for helping find BETTER ways to talk to my child!!!!!
Yup! Honestly yea he’s kids to lead with logic, as opposed to emotion. Responsive parenting allows kids to feel their emotions are valid, learn not to act on their emotions as a first response, and problem solve the best solution. Love it
@@chucksclouds Kids aren’t animals, they definitely understand logic. They might need a little help getting there at first but if you’re teaching your child correctly then they have no problem connecting dots.
@@amandamcclain2009 no they do not. As someone who deals with alot of kids. They have no actual concept of logic until later childhood. In the early years they only understand the reactions to their actions. Which will lead them to logical thought if the reactions are in the basis of reality. A 4 year old has absolutely no grasp of anything other than what they have interacted with.
@@chucksclouds Dude all the science shows that babies can think logically before they can even talk. It is literally a really quick Google search. “Can babies think logically?” The conclusive answer from every source- “Yes, of course they can.”
I'm so glad that this is how you also parent. I get so much crap about being "too harsh"... when in reality I'm just teaching them patience... I dont see an issue with it 🤷🏻♀️
this is how I've been (trying) to raise my 10mo. I'm 21 and just, like, grew up with clever little quips and sayings than the coddling uwu parenting, and it works! He's very responsive and just because he's a baby doesn't mean he's stupid, theres no need to treat him like he is!
Just please remember that child directed speech is still very important for anyone younger than 3. So please still do baby talk to your baby, bc in developmental psychology it's been proven to help children develop better emotionally and socially. It does not mean your little one is unintelligent. Babies just need different forms of communication. Good luck w your angel!
@@lizipearlvlogs define baby talk. My daughter is almost 2, and I have never talked "baby talk". I define that as unintelligible speech people devolve into around an infant. I sound like the mom in the video at the beginning sometimes, but I use real words. It frustrates me to no end when someone talks goo goo ga ga to my kid. She looks at you like you're dumb, because no one talks to her like that. I also use the actual word. (I.e spaghetti, we do not say sketti or pa sketti, we say spaghetti. That's just one example, I have tonnes lol. Lucy, not Woocy. Ect. The raised pitch and calm tone is key. Was a nanny for 20+ yrs. 2 months to approx 5 years was the main age group I nannied. I found that if you don't treat them dumb, they don't pretend to be dumb.
I recommend sign language. Kids can communicate Via sign language much sooner then they can Speech and it helps with the terrible twos. Also you both get a neat, useful, and inclusive skill which can come in handy
I think being interrogated for a crime would be way more chill and relaxing than the "why's?" 🤣🤣 I love that their little minds are curious and want to know everything but the other day mine asked me how does paint dry, and I had been answering questions all day and I literally had nothing except, "because its magic" 🤣🤣
I wish my Mom raised me like this, for the longest time she’d scream at me and so I’d raise my voice just asking her to stop screaming and she’d be like “ oh now you’re raising your voice??? That means you have no respect for me!!!” And any time I would sigh or look away from her or ask to go to my room to calm down it was an immediate grounding, sometimes for months at a time.
I really like giving choices to my 3 year old. She feels included and heard and I feel it gives her a self esteem boost because I validated her cranky feelings and gave her an option to fix it and engage also learning better behaviour
Idk if it's just bc it's late rn or if it's bc my mom hasn't felt like an actual mom to me for a while now, but there's something really comforting about hearing a straightforward mom talk
bro this is (the second example) actually really good, being casual with your kid, being reasonable, not telling them or yelling at them to be quiet for telling you they're hungry. i would kill to have had such a good parent as a kid.
One thing I learned from watching all the parents around me: If you talk to your kid like a baby, they will only learn to speak and behave like a baby. Talk to your toddlers/children like adults they'll mature much faster than their classmates. Just watch. I have 10 year old niece that grew up around adults, zero baby talk ever and she could speak full sentences by age 5 and is now considered 2-3years more advanced in anything language than the other kids her ages. My bf's nieces are 6 & 8, their parents still use the baby voice with them half the time. And neither one of them can hold a 2 minute conversation and they both sound like a 3 year old when they talk. If they hear baby talk they'll only learn to speak baby talk. Something all parents need to be aware of when speaking to their children. Want your kids to be British, only speak with a British accent around them. It's literally as simple as that. They learn what they hear.
