what i've been struggling with lately & what i'm doing about it - weight gain & body image with AvPD 

My body image has held me back my whole life. Everything has had to wait until I lose weight and feel better about myself. But life is slipping through my fingers. I have tried to get my binge eating under control so many times and every time I would diet I would be unable to be consistent and give up. But I now feel like I have things under control and they are going in the right direction. I have fine-tuned my macros, eating high protein, low carb- but still allowing fruit, bread, crackers etc every now and then and eating meals I really enjoy while staying in a calorie deficit. I'm taking anti-depressants that increased my anxiety quite considerably for a couple of weeks, but now I'm good and have more motivation to do things. But the biggest difference is that I joined a gym. It's a women's gym and I go every second day. I do the treadmill and weights. I really love it. It's been a month and I am focusing on slowly making new, healthy habits and not trying to do everything all at once and as fast as possible and then giving up like I always have. I'm 50 years old. It's never too late to be able to make the changes towards a better you. Don't lose hope!

Your honesty is so healing! Thank you! ♍ If you get depressed at the same time every year, it may be reflected/explained in your Astrology. ♍ If August/September is the issue, then Virgo probably rules your 8th or 12th house! ✨🤍✨ You'll get through this, and bounce back.

You're SO not alone. Thank you for making me not feel alone. I agree, feeling depressed is a bit more comfortable than being anxious. I also chronically binge eat then crash diet, exercise and repeat. My seasonal mood issues tend to be a major influence on it. So I'm trying to mitigate that factor in various ways. So that hopefully every step forward is followed by only a half step back. You have my support in your journey.

It's great to see you, wishing you all the best!!

Maxine we just love you ❤ do videos and we like them and there’s the whole formula 😇

The bravest , strongest, smartest and of course prettiest avpd girl on this planet 🎉. Welcome back with this strong back which fully of hope mixed with acceptance and wisdom. We keep on trying to the end ❤🙏👏

Good to see you posting again!

this video hit just right for me because today i weighed myself for the first in a year after having been weighed in a mental hospital, and boy did i gain weighed. im the type of person who *cannot* do something thats out of my routine until the last minute, until its absolutely necessary, so im hoping this is a wake-up call for me to finally start exercising. thank you so so much for making this video, not only are you making me feel less alone, i hope you know that *you* arent either! by the way, these things you do to connect to a self of yours that was "in a better place" kinda match the things my therapist has me do so my depression doesnt get the best of me. so who cares what your inner voice says, its wrong! go paint your nails girl, thats what i do every week because my therapist said so! xD

I really like your videos, thank you for making them. Don't worry about big lessons in each, even just a stream of thoughts is great. Maybe you can recommend some good books in the next one. Wish you all the best 👍

On BINGE EATING guys. A helpful tactic that I used (Not a miracle cure) was to avoid POWERFUL FLAVOURS. Example instead of a rich chocolate covered cookie search for a bland lower calorie cookie. The idea is that powerful flavours will push your food addiction into overdrive and you can't stop until you are full. A bland form of comfort food whatever it is will give you the feeling of snacking but not the urge to eat a truckload. If you are used to powerful flavours you will be disappointed with bland food but YOU CAN TRAIN YOUR TASTEBUDS to accept mild flavours. It takes time to adjust so be persistent.

Sending you lots of love Maxine. 🌞🌺✌🏽

Glad to see you again 🤗

Ugh, I understand this so much. Always hitting a wall when trying to move forward. We don't allow ourselves to grow most likely bc we are convinced we're not worth it. Convincing ourselves we deserve a good thing is not only hard, it's also incredibly exhausting. I think if were not telling ourselves this 24/7 and also showing ourselves for at least a year, it'll always be a struggle. The body image is a whole different story, but I get it too. From experience I know this may not register, but you look beautiful. Hope you find your way back soon. Healing isn't linear, ups and downs will always be there, but I do know they last shorter the more we overcome and do the work on ourselves.

💜💜💜

Hey, I was just checking to see if you had any new art work and came across this newer video. I’m not doing any social media anymore but this is more like checking in on and hoping the best for you and your world. I so much admire and, can I say, care bout you Maxine. There is nothing wrong with you. You know that, right? One of your most important points was talking about living for yourself. You must, to heal. You know what to do. Listen to yourself. Make as many of these videos as you need for yourself. Don’t worry about being a guru. People get something out of them. No apologies necessary. No master plan necessary. It’s what you get out of them that’s important. Your mention of weight gain and a low point clicked with me. It was a month or two back when I hit my rock bottom. Weight , isolation , anxiety meds, social issues at work at home etc., drinking , you name it. I know I seemed half crazy because I was. Whatever and whoever I was involved with I see only as a gift to getting me to an awakening point. Your work and being yourself was part of that. I am not writing this to portray me in a certain way. No ego BS. I’m responding to you because I care. You are a gifted and beautiful person. For some reason I had enough. No more. That was it. I got sooo mad at myself. Probably why i was trying to delete myself constantly. You know the saying - you are what you eat?- Well as simplistic as it sounds - you are what you think! - is also true. Whatever it is you think of yourself, you will find people that will agree with you. If it’s avoidance, you will find the box and get stuck in it. It’s a warm place, but the wrong kind of warm. You will come up with the justification for staying there. Through shame it will become self evident, but It’s all a lie you’re telling yourself. A set up. No matter what I or others say will not resonate until you are ready. It took me too long to get to this point. I hope yours comes earlier. That’s part of the reason I’m writing. There is nothing wrong with you and yes, I will probably say it again. With all you possess anyone would be lucky to know you. I just couldn’t take my BS anymore. 6-8 weeks ago I started on a path of no social media, no drinking , fasting, exercise and diet. Slowly lowered all meds to zero. I reached out to someone I deserved but always had denied myself. I just got back from a week spent with this friend. Doing all things I would have normally never done. Renting a new mustang convertible, screaming down the road. Swimming at the beach. Going to a musical, a black tie dinner. How bout a carriage ride. Living life without any net of any sort. Realizing I don’t need one. I never did. Earlier this spring I was holed up in my room on social media meds alcohol tons of bad food poor self care and living life through this filter. Afraid to take my trash out to the dumpster until nightfall. What happened? I told myself the truth. The important part here. Earlier in life was there abuse? Was there trauma? YES! Was it damaging ? YES ? Okay. But what now Maxine? How long do we let it lead the way? Each day we do, those people win the day again and again. Enough! From your words I know you see a life that you are not living. You deserve it. Nothing will change until you yourself believe you deserve it. Then the hard work begins. That’s where I am. But I know what is there now. My feet were in the water, not online. That is new for me. I am seeing a therapist because I don’t know how to handle happiness. Also new to me. Like someone coming out of a coma I have no muscle mass, equilibrium. My filters are gone. My nets are gone. It’s disconcerting but incredible. It’s hard to describe not having to feel guilty. WTF ? That 6 year old kid, before he was abused, found his way back somehow. He’s using the shame as a hammer. You are what you think. You deserve what you believe you deserve. That’s all. That’s it. Period. Anyone says anything else they are holding you down. Watch out for them. There is nothing wrong with you. 🫶🏻 As you said in this video, find that little girl. Take all the bad and put it back where it belongs. Forge the rest into a mallet. Just keep going. Whatever you do. You are so worth it. You are so impressive. I’m talking too much. All my best Maxine!!!! Ok 2 funny things. - I am in season 1 of Dexter as we speak he is on pause. Loving every minute of it. - My flight changed in Denver yesterday. I looked out the window to see if I could see you. No luck! Honestly I did. 😂