What People Get Wrong about Modern Dating 

"just be authentic" -Harvard doctor with enough charisma to start a cult if he wanted to

*Key Takeaways:* 1.) "How to get people interested in you?": *You don't.* You need to present yourself as who you are, and if they're interested in you then they'll let you know. Authentic you = Best version of you. To quote someone I saw in chat: "Authentic = Big Chad Energy". 2.) "How to turn small talk into free-flowing conversation": *General Rule of open-ended question followed by investigative response, while making your intentions known and fully clear.* Allow yourself to adjust to the flow of the conversation. If they respond well to a flirt, keep going. If they don't, then don't be afraid to back off. 3.) *Actually try to get to know the person.* You want to actually date them, right? Dating someone involves knowing things about them. Engage in topics you both relate to, and ask open-ended non-confrontational questions to allow the other person to show their true self (going back to Takeaway 1). 4.) *Don't be afraid to be honest; Be authentic!* If you want to strike a conversation with someone, but can't find a way to begin the conversation, just start talking. Don't force an introduction when you had to think about how to say it for the past 30 minutes. . 5.) *Respect boundaries, but also have confidence.* Going back to takeaway 1 and 4, be authentic and clear with your intentions. If they say yes, or allow you to have a second chance, take it. But if they say no and continue to say no, then respect that. 6.) *Understand that even if they say no, you gave the other person the gift of feeling wanted by another human being. That's a pretty awesome gift to give.* "As long as you're not cringe about it" - Dr. K

Modern dating? I don't even know traditional dating

I feel like an alien studying human interaction. "Hmm, yes, write that down."

Man it is very easy these days to find a date. I always use my phone calendar.

lmao hey :) im going to whole foods, need anything?

"sup gangsta" is how i met my gf, we've been dating two years lol

Reason why you should be yourself and not act like somebody else: -You want your crush to fall in love with you, not somebody else.

“Be authentic.” “Have confidence.” Pick one, I can’t do both!

If there's one thing i miss about school is how naturally relationships could start thanks to big friend groups. As an adult it feels like dating and making friends is all about having some kind of end goal to that relationship, and that can end up feeling oppressive.

As a guy, the few random genuine compliments ive gotten from females will stick with me for my entire life

3:37 oh god his hair is almost long enough for a man bun, he's becoming too powerful

At 5:00 "or she giggles": be aware that laughter can also be a response to discomfort. There's a difference between a flirty happy giggle and somebody laughing because they are uncomfortable but don't know what to say to make you back off.

6:29 "The last person I picked up was 17-" *oh no* "...years ago" *phew*

,,So what was 2020 like for you ?" Her:,,Good."

Y'know what people find really attractive? Emotional maturity, knowing who you are, and having confidence in who that person is.

Dr. K- "Be your authentic self," also Dr. K- "be... respectful... make her laugh, be funny, you know have confidence." I'm getting some real mixed signals here.

"it's not your job to spark interest" ...........well, there goes my entire social strategy

I started a first date by asking, "So would you eat a dog?" because it was the last thing I was thinking of as I walked into the bar to meet her. And we haven't stopped laughing two years later.

A good way to take rejection: If they say no, they just realised you are not compatible faster than you did. It's not about their status, wealth or looks - it's about *them*. Anything else will lead to misery for everyone involved.

I went off tinder cause there just wasnt the right people for me, but now I know exactly what to do next Gonna get a bunch of peacock feathers, fancy shirt, nice jeans and hope my mating shakes work their magic

I wholeheartedly agree that one should just be themselves because any relationship built on inauthenticity will be doomed to fail. But, one should also introspect and address any objectively undesirable personality traits that may be making them less attractive, perhaps even something that they could improve upon physically such as becoming healthier, getting a nice haircut, wearing nice clothes, without going overboard of course.

Nah, I've been running the "never leaving my apartment or talking to anyone" strat for a really long time, it's bound to pay off any day now!

i love drk's chat dude. everybody starts sadging when he said "no im seeing someone".

Dating always feels like such a weird term. It feels disingenuous. I don’t want to talk to women specifically for my own selfish reasons, because there is another human involved in that. I’d prefer to meet someone I find genuinely interesting, build a slow bond with them, and maybe some day get into a relationship. Maybe that’s asking for too much though.

So glad you mentioned the spark of interest part. People treat dating like learning a special code, saying the right thing and hoping it sparks a fire of interest. Dating should be about meeting people, conversing with them, deciding whether that person is right for you, and seeing if they feel the same way. Although dating can feel like a chore, it should be about fostering connections and getting to know people on a human level.

"Be Pog, Don't be Cringe..." peepoNotes

Doc's Hair game though.... SHEESH

"The last 10mins I've been thinking of what to say to you and start a conversation , can you help me out?" "No".... "Okay good talk". That is how it went for me.

I have my first date ever on Friday with a girl I met on the internet, thank god I watched this video. Thank you Dr. K, wish me luck!

What strikes me in these conversations is no one seems to consider that YOU should also be trying to figure out if THEY are interesting people as well. People get so worked up trying to make people interested but you are the other half of the interaction. Find out what makes them interesting in regards to yourself. Your interest in them is just as important. Weight needs to be taken off of you and you'll be more at ease I think once you accept that, thus have more flowing and natural conversation

"you're the only scuba diver I know, let's dive together one day" was my pickup line. we've been dating for 6 years and just finished a round the world trip. The part about being yourself sounds so cliché but it's 100%accurate.

"I dont know what "based" means" got me laughing

The best thing you said here for me personally is, that at lest you made someone feel good about them selves. I never really though of it that way. I actually thought I was kind of being annoying doing so, if I got rejected.

Hopefully I can provide some perspective on this topic as a gamer with a history of being bullied over looks to studying this topic and growing to having two girlfriends, the latter of which became my wife of over 4 years. Dating can be complex, sure. But the overall concept is very simple: it's a sort of exchange of sexual value. every person is not mating with every other available person at all times, the reason being that there are biological and psychological barriers in place to control such--and to get deeper, it's to ensure the passing on of desirable genes. this natural selective process on the macro level becomes dating. And I bring up the scientific aspect of it to reframe the question of "how do I date?" into "what (perceived) value do I provide?" the keyword is perceived because the potential love interest you communicate with doesn't actually know you, only what you present to them in your interaction. and people who can convey the most value in their interactions will have the most success. THAT'S why everyone emphasizes "having confidence" as the #1 piece of dating advice (presented to cishet men at least) because it is a projection of the value that you inherently have as a man. this is something every man can do, even if you doubt yourself. In this sense, it's why "being confident" and "being yourself" are not mutually exclusive. The former is a modifier of sorts, but it's also not a personality trait so you'd still need to inject some of your personal content into it. the reason why you might not "identify with" confidence is because you are used to experiencing a lack of it. however there are likely other times you can think of in your life where the feeling was present so it's an achievable thing you can get or get back. of course, confidence can fluctuate and our society does a lot to destroy everyone's confidence at some point to profit from it, men included, but you can work towards building your confidence by talking note of your strengths and investing as much as you can in them. there's plenty of attractive qualities, but the 3 most OP skills are: 3) confidence 2) looks 1) social skills ("charisma"). other important abilities are: emotional/financial stability, maturity, humor, and handling rejection (something that happens to all humans at some point). If this seems like a tall order, think of it like most video games. There's certainly some challenge involved because no one is intended to win automatically, but if you learn the mechanics and execute them properly then you will see success. and depending on your level of mastery, you'll see overwhelming success. if I can do it as someone who didn't have my first kiss until adulthood, a hopeless 20 year old virgin to getting married 5 years later then anyone else can too. Love Dr. K for creating this platform to have these kinds of conversations ♥️

"We live in a society" - Dr. K 10:13

my current partner of 1.5 years came up to me at an event and said "so what's your life story?" and things worked out pretty well from there

That's exactly right. I was for so long focused on being or saying something that will make the other side interested in me. Just as the person writing the question did. And once I realized it had nothing to do with that I was really mind blown. For instance, if the other side is not attracted and interested in you, there's nothing you can do or say that will make them suddenly want to date you, now, if they weren't interested in you at the start and once you started a conversation, they gradually got interested then it's not because of what you were saying, it's that you displayed what you have to offer and they liked that. So, in my experience you have to be the person they want to date and no cheesy line will get you the girl/boy/apache helicopter/other.

Thank you I really needed this. I was pretty down in the dumps this week after being rejected and ghosted, and wondered if there was something about me that needed changing - but the analogy about being a market stall vendor and presenting yourself fully and authenticity really spoke to me and allowed things to be put in perspective. Thank you!

That last part is a selfless way of thinking about rejection. Often times I find myself getting to caught up in my own fear of rejection, so this was really well said and helped a lot, thanks Dr. K!!!

Balance: 1 credit -Being funny: 1 credit -being authentic: 1 credit f

It's so insane that there is a 10 minute video that is so easy to understand about something that is so complicated and hard to do. You're the best Dr. K.!

I lost it when I saw someone toward the beginning in chat write “PepeNote buy a table”

*Dr. Chad Thundercock strikes again*

9:10 this is the most TRUE thing I have ever heard

Thinking about makkng someone feel good about themselves is actually a great way i can think about rejection. Thats great advice ty!

"Your job is to lay out the stuff on the table" - Dr. K. 2021

For men and online dating it comes down to this. It doesnt matter how original or unique your opener is. If she isnt attracted to your photos your out of luck. Meeting girls in person is ten times easier.

It’s incredible how the simplest of advice can go a very long way

Being yourself and not trying to entertain a woman has become dramatically difficult, and it is not just about tinder.

Hey Dr K, I wanted to thank you for doing what you do. You are one of the most intelligent, well-spoken, kind, and non-judgmental people that I have stumbled across on youtube or twitch. You have created such a good resource for FREE to anyone on the internet, I appreciate what you do and respect the hell out of you man! Your videos and streams have helped me get through some rough patches of time over the past year and a half. Keep up the great work! Love you man!

thank you! i've actually been approaching Dating Apps in that way recently, so it's good to hear this reaffirmed. i'm done with the chasing, someone will pursue me if they want to, and on the otherside, if they're boring to talk to i'm not gonna drag it out just because the person is hot. lol i'm gay and this is still good advice even if it's a little bit different, sexuality doesn't change dating a ton.

Lots of comments say something along the lines of “being authentic & confident is an oxymoron for me.” & I think there’s a few healthy ways to think about this. A. If you’re not confident in who you are, 1. Asses if there’s valid reason for your insecurities or whether you’re simply being too hard on yourself. 2 Once you’ve improved yourself or begun to accept yourself for who you are, you’ll become more confident in yourself. Basically, it’s the age old trope of “loving yourself.” If you can’t love yourself or you have nothing going for yourself, you’re probably going to be codependent in your next relationship. B. Being confident isn’t all about being outgoing, or assured of your complete competency in all areas of social interaction. Being confident is the social equivalent of being brave is in a physical altercation. You may feel fear, but being brave is feeling the anxiety & doing that thing anyways. For me confidence & authenticity means I don’t fear rejection anymore. I’m confident that as long as I put myself out & be authentic I’ll attract the kind of person that I jell with. I might see someone who looks like what I want, but if we start talking & it doesn’t click that’s for the best. Imagine if we didn’t click & it did work out: went on more dates that were mediocre & we were both on our phones the whole time, but hey we looked like we should be together so we kept at it! Got married & had kids. We both have completely different ideas on how to raise kids. Get the picture? As long as you’re confident that putting the real you out there, anxiety & existential depression & all, will result in the right person for you to come around. Then you’re truly ahead of the curve in the dating scene, just by just getting there in your personal growth

"Be yourself" and "Be Interesting" are incompatible statements.

Thank you for bringing up the bit about the investigative response. In my experience a lot of people don't ask (don't know how to ask?) proper follow-up questions and a lot of my dating app convos ended up feeling more like a game of 20 Questions eventually. Why are people in such a rush to go through all the conversation topics without dwelling on anything? That's exactly how you get awkward small talk…right?!

Just found ur channel : really good information. As a psychology major , you are really informative while also thinking of both parties , suggesting choices and simply not telling someone to do “this” to get success , not imposing beliefs or views to an overbearing extent.

Not so much with dating but, one of the things that helped me with social anxiety and talking to new people was something from the late Larry King's book "How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere". The TL;DR is that everyone is an expert in something you know almost nothing about. Find what people are interested in and try to understand the what/why/how. Being honest and empathetic and being genuinely curious goes very far.

"I don't know what based means" That's not very based, Dr K

Love this man. Thanks for all the advice Dr. K!

Actual good advice, thanks doc 👍

This is such a sweet video, and full of things I needed to hear. I'm going out with friends tonight so if I spot someone I'm attracted to, I think I'll give it a go!

So, 'be yourself'. I don't really know how to be anyone else, so this is my default setting. 36 years in, and nobody has seen that person and been interested enough.

My man, your content is always so damn soothing . Also ''DR CHAD'' in chat made my die

So glad you have this platform to help people

I've come to the same conclusions recently on my own and it feels great for Dr K to approve them

"be authentic, be yourself" Well, I'm just not even gonna talk to anyone at all.

Great advice dr.k the vendor analogy was spot on. And the big one is MAKE YOUR INTENTIONS KNOWN. FLIRT. Or you will get stuck in the friend zone

The best "we live in a society" ever. I love that perspective of yours. Making a flirt towards someone is pretty much the same as making a compliment. I like complimenting people for when they do well anyways. So I guess I should treat flirting the same way? Obviously within the boundaries of common sense.

It's actually funny, I find that more women are interested in me now, even though at this time in my life I'm not interested in dating. I think the reason is I've been putting in no effort in putting on a mask for people, I just act in a way I find most comfortable and natural. Like I guess the girls I interact with think it's really easy to talk to me because I just listen most of the time, I don't try and push anything on them and instead I just let them talk or respond however they want to, and when I do respond I'm just honest with them, I don't try and say something to impress them or anything.

Oh man what would normally be 10/10 content on itself is further amplified by that hilarious chat getting absolutely riled up and taking notes on Dr. Chad giving dating advice. I fucking love this community.

Basically do whatever you find to be challenging your capacity in any form. Something that's enjoyable, exciting and is a positive experience especially considering the challenge and learning involved to be unpleasant at times but you win as this is overcome.

Awesome advice Dr. K

As a woman…This is honestly the most solid advice I’ve heard in any dating video. It’s not about controlling and MAKING them interested in you. Show who are just for your OWN practice of self expression for yourself, and someone who’s truly interested in you for your whole self will come along and it’ll be a great relationship because you weren’t trying to manipulate someone into liking you and later on they WILL realize you aren’t who you said you were and *boom* trust completely gone and now you’re single again. Listen to this man. He’s a wizened sage.

This was brilliant, thanks Dr K. Love the discussion point towards the beginning, regarding the feeling like there is a responsibility on you to keep something going, I think this is a key piece of advice that many can benefit from. It's an unfair and un-necessary burden to put on yourself! PS: Hair is looking great, hope you're going to keep the growth going, and I hope you're well :)

That street vendor analogy made something click in my head made so much sense thanks a lot

this is a very nuanced topic. I know for me im just not "myself" over the phone. I dont like texting and i cant maintain interest in small talk/introductions. I like face to face interaction and from what Ive experienced most people on most dating sites arent really invested. Theyre either looking to hook up or theyre bored. No one is looking for love.

One thing I want to add is that dating is a skill. You level that skill up the more you do it. Don't be afraid of the first few dates being awkward or something like that because you get better over time

"the last person I picked up was 17 years ago" Yeah, so that's where all the advice went out the window because he doesn't know how pointless the whole process has become in that time.

Your hair is GORGEOUS

Please do more about dating. It's funny because this was uploaded just as I left my therapists office after she told me I should start dating again.

The only advice on how to actually date is just be yourself, the only problem we have is accepting that. We don't feel like we are good enough or something and because of that we don't feel like we can talk to others and try to act better than we are. But the key of dating is to get know someone and if you don't feel like that's right, then you will either get into a toxic relationship or you just simply wait till you are at the point that you think you are actually worth it.

just tank the psychotic stress and bottle the emotions and do you works every time

solid advice authenticity is everything

Wow, I think that helped me a lot.It´s weired, I teared up when he was saying "be authentic" and gave the example. I dont know why tho, but i think because its that simple and in the past i overthought this stuff.

Time to become chads boys

Here's a tip from someone who has bounced from social butterfly to being terrified of social interaction and vice versa. A lot of it is being capable of demonstrating interest in the person and being interested in putting yourself out there. The best way to start building this skill is just striking up small talk and doing it slowly. I cannot tell you how many times I was feeling down, felt like I wasn't interesting enough or spontaneous enough because I would often forget that social interaction in any context is actually about practicing a degree of self-esteem. Ask someone on the way to work something, 'where did you get x', 'do you like this commute?' etc. As you practice you will gain a sense for what works and what doesn't and you will have an OPPORTUNITY to move the conversation onto something else. When you are ready you can turn that 'something else' into asking them out.

I’m coming back to this video and I would sign up for that dating class in a goddamn heartbeat.

This is the most detailed and well thought out way of saying “just be yourself” I’ve ever seen haha

Interviewing for a job has a lot of similarities to this too!

Modern tech makes dating easier, but makes people flakey or more self conscious. Good advice; be authentic, be your own filter..

Hearing this gives me so much hope for the future

Yooo Dr.K I’ve been snap chatting this girl for a super long time and finally asked for her phone number after watching this video, things are taking a turn for the best rn, ty dude!

Female here. I'd be receptive to the "I can't think of what to say" line at a party/bar. I'd be weirded out if y'all did it at the dog park, tho. That's when you use the "what's your dog's name?/and who is this adorable pupper?" lines.

When you are authentic, you usually are more confident Because you’re just being you. And you do that all the time, you’re a pro at that

Hey Dr. K, just dropping in to say I love the hair! Keep up the good work!

That's very… relieving to hear. The hawker stall metaphor clicked. I think I've been too much of a pleaser, and some of those inauthenticity prevented me from presenting what I am, what I like etc.

I never had an issue getting dates when I was in school or around people regularly, but I don't even get swiped on through any online mediums. And when I do I just get ghosted in a few days. It's so disparate I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I know I'm not like hideously unattractive, I know I have plenty to say to someone if we have enough in common. I've had enough close relationships in my life to reinforce that. It's just that none of that matters if nobody even wants to start a conversation with you.

You say be how you are. But what if I am really shy and introverted? That way it will be almost impossible finding a partner and being who I am.

Thanks for the perspective shift on what it means if you're rejected. I feel like it takes a lot of pressure off me. I never considered what it might mean to the other person to feel wanted!

I think there needs to be like a crash course on making your dating profile. I have a gf now but I recall so many women having 'message me and find out' or their interests are 'dogs, adventures the show friends and coffee' or 'the office' and 'traveling and hiking' like maybe I'm just too dynamic of a person and with my interests but when I saw that and I didnt care how pretty you are. They had the most common and uninteresting interests and nothing else saying what they are like or about as a person. Following the street vendor analogy, it's like having the table to display your stuff but not actually putting stuff on it. Like I cant imagine that 1 out of 2 women (anecdotal) only have a combination of 3 of the interests I mentioned earlier. This is all aside of how terrible dating sites are. But it's almost as if people arent even trying to make the worst of a mediocre situation.