There is a profoundly deep message in this video. I used to be called racial slurs by an acquaintance in college who said to me once: "The day you stop reacting to racial epithets and you truly stop caring what anyone says, will be the day you are liberated. You will have achieved the highest wisdom." THAT coming from my biggest "nemesis," blew my mind. He later added, "I should be able to call you every hurtful name there is and it shouldn't perturb you." He was right. To this day, I really don't believe he WAS a racist. He saw he could push my buttons because I "reacted." He got along just fine with other members of my ethnicity. If all human beings developed this higher awareness, there would finally be peace on earth. The highest wisdom is not to react. Thank you for this excellent video.
I have to say, I'm in tears. A year ago, I could not understand what you were saying on your radio blog, I just knew that I wanted to be in that state where I could have deep self love and compassion for myself and the narcissist. You really encapsulated your whole standpoint with this video, and I'm so glad and grateful that the gift has brought me to higher levels of understanding and self love. Gratitude once again, Mel.
My journey of recovery from Narcissistic Abuse was the most painful experience of my 52 years! It has also been the greatest gift of my life! This video described to a tee how this process unfolded for me. I have been empowered so greatly and am truly grateful for the Narcissist in my life (15 years ). I work with women in the addiction field and it is incredible how my personal experience has given me so much more empathy, compassion and understanding. I encourage anyone struggling with this to STAY WITH IT...it will be worth the pain! THANK YOU Melanie!! You are a true inspiration!!
Your videos are great Melanie, the idea that the experiences with narcissists was needed for us to wake up is very profound, I agree 100% that if we understand who we are it can lead to world peace. I watched a clip of Michael Jackson(I believe he was an empath) not too long ago and he stated the world we live in is filled with hurt children and if we were aware of these things we could establish change in the world. Keep up the great work, your videos are much appreciated
Stated beautifully Melanie. Remaining a victim does not heal me. I believe all the things I have lived through bring me to a better place now, including the self healing process you speak. So self empowering, such freedom. Please continue to leave the "life as it happens" moments in your videos :) The Kitty moments LOL, someone coming to the door while you are recording :) shows healthy ways to deal with day to day life. Much Love to U.
I read something today from Dr. Wayne Dyer that says exactly what you just said, and it majorly hit home for me. I've been having a hard time forgiving and letting go and I've been so stuck in this hole I dug for myself. He said, "Everything that enters your life is there because you allowed it. Only if you admit that and take responsibility for it can you change it. If you blame it on someone else, the only way you can get better is to wait for them to change, which isn't likely. No peace for you until you realize the feelings you have are ONLY your experience and ONLY you can change that." And of course that means we continue suffering while the bad guy that you are so angry at, is dancing and playing and they have no knowledge or do they care, how you are feeling. And we do it to ourselves.
even IF you KNOW yourself a narcissist will do their best to RIP you apart. standing UP for WHAT we know is another LEVEL of growth. thankYOU for BEing YOU Melani Tonia Evans & DOing what you're doing !! i am sooooGratefull for you & the gift of wisdom you have & are bringing to the world. we are interdependent on our DivineCreatorSOURCE. my experience of healing OUT of narcissisticAbuse has been a huge opportunity to SHOW me where i was emotionally OUT of alignment with my WHOLENESS. throwing compassion onto narcissists is a waste bcuz they do NOT allow themselves to FEEL their own pain. they are beyond feeling...it's what allows them to stay alive LIVING OFF the energy of others. but i get what you mean as far as their damaged inner child as is our co-Dependent damaged child. still don't understand what makes them choose to go to the point of no return. it's tragic. but still WORKING ON ME here...i need to read every single email. i was amazed by the 3hour workshop. it really touched a deep place inside me & upleveled a chunk of my trauma...but i KNOW there's MORE. i was a little overwhelmed by the amount of emails so i saved them all but found i could only open one per every few days/week. which means i may be used to starving myself when it comes to support !! just realizing this as i'm typing. more to look @ & heal. thankYou again Melanie Tonia Evans for everything. wishing you a beautifull & blessed day !!
You are SO welcome Savannah and when you are ready you will look at the emails sweetheart. I believe when the time is right for you, healing the wounds and changing the limiting beliefs/survival programmes will change your life completely. All in good time and when you are ready, the MTE community will be there for you. Love and blessings to you xoxox
Total enlightenment for me! I feel like I am living under seize waiting for NARCs' next move. I am still so in victim mode. I know I need to commit to me. I am a Thriver in my mind.......now it's time to get authentic and acknowledge 'I really am worth it'. Cheers Mel
i used to listen to your podcasts while i was at work, you gave me the knowledge and strength to get out of a horrible roller coaster of a life....God Bless you , I know that if i would of stayed with that man he would of eventually killed me, Please , people get the hell out of it, dont wait till its too late. i swear to you , if i could do it anyone could. I thank podcasts and people who make them. I will never ever let this happen to me again.
Angie Max I'm right there, right now ... He moved out of the house, but of course He still has the keys of the house, which makes him still in control .... I agree with the roller coaster 17 years of it ... Finally I noticed the pattern is always the same from him every year, depressions around holidays ... He treated me so much without respect ... I will have a long road of healing, but at least I will have no blaming and all his lame excuses!!
I am soooo happy for you. Never let them continue to mess with your head even though they aren't there.we are strong enough to stay that long then we are definitely strong enough to get the hell out! Never never never go back
After many years of self destructive behavior I finally got on the road to recovery but It wasn't until both of my parents had passed away that I felt completely free of the curse of narcissism.
I continue to listen to your messages because what you say helps me turn within, focus on myself and heal. Its not about them and us, winning and losing - thats ego stuff. What you say about all of us being involved in this drama is so true. If we could see into the hall of mirrors we would see that at some stage in our soul's long history, we too have been abusers and the narcissists. Fortunately we are awakening from the collective dream. Thank you for fast tracking our journey... lots of love XXX
Melanie, you truly are an Angel. Your very perceptive views on NPD resonate with me more than anyone else's. My gut and heart confirm that what you're saying is true. I remember the first time I watched a video of yours on narcissism; it was a true epiphany for me. How unbelievably wonderful it is to be functioning on a conscious level. My personal journey of upleveling and healing myself has just begun, but already I can see awesome positive changes happening because of it. My consciousness has also enabled me to no longer be affected or hurt by virtually any or all narcs in my life. There is one remaining narc in my life who still is able to hurt me emotionally, but now to a much lesser degree. I'll know I'm truly and completely healed when this is no longer true. Thank you Melanie for helping me see NPD in a loving true way that is of the highest emotional intelligence.
What a powerful video, Melanie, I think I replayed it three times to try to better comprehend everything you were saying. I just love that your work involves a certain empathy for the narcissistic and moving away from blaming, shaming, revenge, and punishment (but oh! how I have longed for those things at times!) But I really see how that can keep you stuck in an unhealthy and restraining pattern. You are the best!
One year out and thriving, Changed jobs, back to my field of health care I love. I don't think I am completely self partnered yet because my new boss is a complete narc and he is picking up my insecurity within my self . I am completely competent in my job, but he manages to make me feel like a complete idiot and was considering just looking for another job. I do not want to leave my job. I want to stay and confront the "issues"
You're my favorite speaker on narcissism, because I am steeped in it right now and oh, so ready to learn. I'm sad right now because my mother is showing me the consequence of a lifetime not learning. I must address this. I understand what you're saying and I think I can use this as material.
Thank you Mel for another amazing video. The follow up to this would be to go into the module on forgiveness. My mom, who by the way, was a lovely person, and beautiful in every which way, had a difficult time accepting me on a couple of fundamental levels. On a scholastic level, I was never good enough in that I was constantly compared to her friend's daughter who was according to my mom was desired by every university on the planet and was perfect in every possible way. Also she projected all her own fears onto me. Of course, being an adult now, I realized that she was abused as a child by her father and quite frightened of him and she was pulled out of school to help bring money into the house, so she never felt like much intellectually so she could only bring to the table what she could. Of course I forgave her and before she passed on, she sincerely apologized to me. So attracting narcs into my life was easy. I thank you for making the choice that you made(to live) because you were in a place to help me to help myself to go inside to heal my childhood traumas. You are beautiful, Tiggy is adorable and yes of course you wouldn't destroy your new home in order to teach her/him a lesson. Lots of love, Helen xxx
Thank you Melanie, my new journey will finally begin, I know I'm not out of the woods with him until he agrees to the legal separation, we have a 14 yrs son and I do feel he is the person I should concentrate on ... He deserves better then this toxic environment and hopefully he did not get his dad's toxic genes .... Definitely his dad got it from his dad as he ended his life 15 years ago. It's so sad and yes someday I'll find in my heart compassion for him but for now it's me to heal. Thank you again for showing us we are not alone and there are ways out!!
Thanks Melanie for this episode. I have been listening to your inspirational talks for about a year now and this one really hit home. It goes right in line with my discovery of the enneagram, that I have been researching for the past several months. It has been a long process for me to get in touch with myself after my 20 year marriage dissolved in an instant. I have had to look at myself and what I was doing to contribute to that demise. You hit it on the head with many of your points. Thank you for helping me continue my journey of finding myself. I have given myself to others without any consideration of what I needed. I am learning to set boundaries and balance my natural nature to help others with my own personal needs. Thank you again. I am glad I found your site during these past trying times. I see a light at the end of the tunnel and you have been a part of my transformation.
i love that you have compassion for people being abusive. i am trying to heal from some things my parents did and did not do for me and it helps to have compassion for them and not label them bad people just wounded and face the damage they did to me. time to heal.
This spoke to me so greatly. I'm finally getting it. Keep reminding me! ...And, I totally get your sense of humor. I find you hysterical! I appreciate you so, so, so much Melanie. By the way, your outfit is "SLAMMIN' ." You look fabulous.
Outstanding presentation Melanie. And you have timed it exactly for me. One year ago I was celebrating being "love bombed" by a roller-skating buddy from grade school. We spent a few months together before I discovered all the wounds I could gather so easily by his unconsiousness. I knew soon that if his mouth was open he was lying or avoiding, but I was so attracted still to his positive attentions; when he gave it. Then it came to the place you described exactly. Either I would give up my life or be stuck trying to please a man that only cared about himself. Impossible task. I wrote you earlier that you told my story one time: about "Amy who found out her narcissist was married!" It's been only 5 months since I called that moving company, and left him standing on the front porch. "You'll be back." he declared. And I still suffer self-hate and pushing up that imaginary "ring to jump through" so I will be a better person. Today I was feeling definitely self-destructive, hating everybody and everything. Really it is me that is lacking. My narcissist put his finger on each of my wounds and showed me where I am lacking. It was devastating, but gave me the chance to be healed. HE is the fragile one who will never recover. HE is in a downward spiral that cannot end well. Your message has buoyed me back up to a place where I want to try to love myself again. I already discovered and thwarted another narcissist's advances recognizing exactly what he was doing, so I am improving in my choices in who I spend time with. But I still ache with lonliness some days . . . . but thank you for the great message that explained why I am feeling like this, and that it is OK. It has to be this way for me to grow and uplevel. Sorry for the wordiness, but you have made a HUGE impact today on me. Maybe saved a life. I am going to thrive. Because there is NOTHING ELSE TO DO!!!
Love your insight. The narcissist was just a symptom to show what was going on on the inside. Thanks for all of your insight Melanie, truly appreciated!
Yes, Melanie. I agree with Katherine. This video took an entirely different spin on the whole "Narcissistic Abuse". This all resonates deep within me and makes great sense. I could not understand how someone that I had waited for my entire life, could have brought me so much pain but now I understand that I needed her to show me, what I needed to do for ME.
Another wonderful video, Melanie. I so appreciate your insistence that we take the focus off the narc. As I look around the Internet and watch other videos on the topic, it is clear to me how few people have gotten this important aspect of healing. Yes, we need to educate ourselves about NPD but, no matter how wrong the narc's behavior is (admittedly), if we stay overly focused on them...we lose. Thank you!
It's a the forth time moving ... I know now I came back ... With a young boy to raise, mostly being a family and financial stability ... And that I believed him every time that he Sid would change ... He just needed me to put me down ... And me I was believing I was to blamed ... My heart gave me a piece of a lesson this time that I will never go back there ... It's the feeling I have now and hopefully for ever ... Thank you so much for your help ... It really opened my eyes on these tea of men ... They exist!!!
Hi Melanie Another brilliant video I am sorry for making a negative comment on your "bathroom video" a few weeks back, I had just been physically abused after a narcissistic rage incident and ran upstairs to seek you out for consolation and that video happened to be the current one!!!! It didn't help ... Just a case of bad timing!! Anyway this one was brilliant and I want to thank you so very much for sharing your life journey with us all out here. I feel I am getting there with your help and coping so much better from listening to you. Keep doing the videos you are a life line xxxx Ps love your outfit, tan, hair and Jewellry ... A true inspiration xxxxx
So wonderful Melanie! I too really needed to hear the last part of this video. And it will become a "go to" reset for me. Thank you so much for giving and loving beyond measure.
You are amazing:) I lived with a Narcissist for 18. I said the exact same to myself, I leave or I die! I Have listen to you and several others and mi lady have helped me dramatically! Thank you so much..
I found a good testament for those in a bad situation........Detox your Life in 4 easy steps. Get rid of anyone (from your life), who: 1. Lies to You, 2. Disrespects You, 3. Uses You, 4. Puts You down. Sound familiar!? Thanks to Melanie for showing me how I was taking this abuse and why.
Very enlightening and relevant. Probably the most helpful information I can get at this time. So positive and refreshing for such a hard topic. Super relief sigh : ). Thank you Melanie!
Melanie, thank you for explaining why some people put up with narcissistic abuse.. I allowed my ex borderline/narcissist girlfriend to abuse me for 6 months before I finally pulled the plug on our relationship and left her... I didn't know I was a codependent/empath and had no idea why I loved her so much even after she abused me on every level possible.. I've gone no contact with her for 3 months now but sometimes don't know if I'm more unhappy without her or when I was with her... I had no choice but to leave though because I couldn't take her rages and verbal abuse any longer... When her abuse turned to physical violence, I knew I had to get away from her.
Your presentations are so new to me and helpful. My son is the narcissism person in my life and I have attracted many others. Also I’m embarrassed to say I’ve been verbally abusive Kinda a mess at 71. I want to change so much of it seems useless at times.
Hi Kate, it's never too late to heal Dear Lady and if you haven't already, I would love you to join me in my free webinar where I talk about a lovely lady called Dot and her journey. Here's the link www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar also please check out this video to help you further with your son, ignore that there is a young child on the image - the healing information is the same no matter what age your child is blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-to-do-if-your-child-has-narcissistic-tendencies/ love and blessings to you xoxox
Before I found anything about narcissistic abuse six months ago immediately after leaving him getting my own apartment decorated and sitting here on my own peaceful environment I started thinking him of course I was angry at him as well but a part of me thank him after I realize that if it wasn't for him putting this in my face about myself so to speak never started that this wonderful journey and healing that I've been on them for six months.
Thanks Mel, the gerni was quite pertinent in how closers shut out common sense and intelligent individualism. I lost the ability to be myself, a strength that was at one stage second nature and i at one moment in my life, liked myself. Being new to your program, it is so refreshing to remember me again and i didn't even think that i liked myself, how stupid was that. Thanks and i look forward to more of your insights.
Thanks Mel. love the humor! Keep up the good videos they touch me so deeply always just when I need them the most! Enjoy your vacation thank you for taking the time to share .
Excellent message! I' ve been through it all and I feel the same way. Thank you so much for sharing this message and for everything that you do . Much love to you ! ;)
WOW! You are so right!!!! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with all of us! You are a GREAT teacher and you are helping others heal themselves! Blessings to you
Thanks for sharing what you've learned. I'm two months out of the abusive relationship. Its amazing , it's like you're talking about her. If I forget that you're talking about your ex it's like you're telling my story. And I know you've heard it a million times but I wanted to tell you how absolutely gorgeous and beautiful you are 😘
Thanks for your videos Melanie! And love the outfit! One thing I have trouble understanding is what about little children who are abused? How is that a reflection of their emotional composition or something within them?
Thank you TBN and you are very welcome! This truly is about generational DNA, also soul contracts, soul purpose and our evolution over lifetimes. All of us - whether we had "abusive" parents or not were brought up with painful unconscious parenting - if we were abused as adults. If we look at the state of our world - unconsciousness has been prevalent for generations. As children yes we were powerless, but as adults we are not. This article I wrote some time ago may help you understand the deeper wider truths that I believe go way beyond "just" this lifetime. Many of us (myself included) were born with wounds on board. blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-soul-contract-with-a-narcissist/ xox
Once again, thanks for your help in getting my life back. I enjoyed and learnt more from the video. Thanks Melanie, for helping me and those who need guidance. Peter may i
OMG get this for synchronicity: your videos motivated me to get up off my butt and carry on working on my 'mission': an ethical clothing line i've been working on for a while. So i'm in my studio watching your videos and tracing a pattern sent to me by my tailor who I found in beautiful HOI AN last year! sign from the universe that i'm on the right path? I think so! Thankyou for your videos they are helping me a lot :-*
I have watched nearly all of your videos. Thank you for the wisdom and healing you share. Over and over I hear you (and other experts say) that people with NPD can never change. This strikes me as tragic and horrific. They are basically doomed to hell for their entire lives if this is true. WHY is it this way?? If this is a soul contract, and these individuals come to this earth to fulfill soul contracts of their own, what is their purpose? To be soulless? To suffer? To walk through the world in a state of unconsciousness madness? I know it is not my job to fix the person with NPD (Lord knows I have tried and tried to fix more than one for many years of my life), but WHY can't they fix themselves? What is the greater purpose?
Thank you--will read this article a few more times before I comment further (lots to absorb there!). Btw, I noticed that the letters in the name Alena are nearly fulfilled inside the name Melanie. Thought that was interesting. :)
You are so welcome Rebecca and I hope it helps to bring you peace ... and the understanding the people who are the most damaged ultimately get the MOST Source love. Hell is an illusion - there is no separating from God ... Yes Rebecca - I realised that the next day after the L b L too! It was a HUGE realisation! xoxoxo
want to thank you very much. my husband abandoned me.a real narcissist then went complete silence treatment on me for two yrs I am co dependant. then called my family and lied about me and informed them he has a girlfriend. he then financially cut me off and started demanding divorce. it's been traumatic for me to pick my life up again.
My heart breaks for the person he may have been if the illness had never developed. There were moments in time I would see a flicker of light in his eyes, a flicker of love for me, a moment of wellness and clarity in his face as he looked at me. Perhaps in this brief moment it was Gods gift to me, letting me see a glimpse of the real person-the real man he had created for me to deeply love for him to deeply love me. But somehow, this creation went terribly wrong. My hopes are that when I leave this earth I will leave all pain and suffering from this tragic love story behind and I will slowly walk through the gates of heaven and see him. He will look oh so familiar standing there. Tall, handsome and magnificent. He will graciously be smiling at me and I will instinctively know it's now safe for me to move towards him. He is a healed man, the man God always intended for me. He is no longer a fantasy nor a false imagine of my imagination- this man is real; his mask now crumpled and lying on the floor. He will look and me with his big brown eyes and tell me it wasn't his fault. This time his deflections and denials are truth- He tightly hangs on to my hand and lovingly explain how his mental illness crippled his ability to truly love me while living on earth. I patiently listen to him with all fears and anxieties cast aside- my heart and intuition now telling me his words are genuine, honest and real. He tells me how truly sorry he is- tear rolling down his face, his eyes now filled with genuine love and joy. - Light is now streaming down from the sky, his face lights up with genuine truth and honesty. He tells me how much he adores me and how he has always loved me. Slowly, he bends down softly putting my face into his hands and gently kissing my lips. I smell his familiar smell; instinctively remembering the deep passion and love I felt for him. His kiss and touch now allowing me to feel his true desire. Finally, I am at peace. I glance at the bright, shiny light from above and thank God for giving me back this amazing gift he created just for me. This amazing man whom I never truly knew on earth who is now my eternal soulmate in the after life.We walk hand in hand together though the gates of heaven - the bright light following us in our footsteps. We continue down the path to eternity where we will finally get to enjoy and cherish the deep,unconditional love that was so sadly stripped away from us
A question popped up in my head: If the narc was reflecting to me my unconscious beliefs about myself, (which I do see this is what happened!!) then what did I mirror to the narc regarding HIS unconscious beliefs about himself? This mirroring works both ways, right? If a narc is totally unconscious, you'd think he'd attract someone to mirror that to him?! I feel that the only thing I mirrored to him is: you ARE more important than I am, it SHOULD be all about you!! Because that's what I lived out! His unconsciousness is rooted in the fact that in his core he believes he is NOTHING. Isn't that what you'd expect someone to mirror to a narc??
Hi Helena, Narcissism is not a mental condition. It's a spiritual / emotional condition, so any exposure means the narc has to face their emotions, which is narc suicide. This will explain more for you hun xoxox www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm
You have an interesting outlook. It sounds like you believe that the narcs in your life were destined to teach you something yourself you needed in order to get more enlightened or closer to your high self. That is a very positive way to think. It's a different concept being companionate for narcs. You are saying this is working for you. Thanks for sharing. I wonder do you believe in the no contact with the Narcs in your life?
Melanie, question about the abusive trama. My adoptive mom was a raging alcoholic every single evening. But the abuse would start when I got home from school. It always ended with her slapping me across my arms, pulling me downstairs by my ear or hair and throwing me against walls. She would lock my jaw and scream into my face. How do we get these early childhood traumas healed? First time she slapped me I was about 7 the last time was a week before my 18th bday. Yes I went on to marry a narcissist, got out and am healing now from everything. But sometimes the events from childhood come up and I question did they really happen and how do I heal. Thank you,
I love this, thank you so much for your generosity and granting us these priceless videos for free! You're truly impacting my life in a very positive manner as I am realizing my own subconscious beliefs that relate to how I have been attracting narcissists all my life. I agree with you, however one piece I am having trouble understanding is this: the low self esteem I have which has attracted and been an energetic equal to narcissists was done to me by my narcissistic mother, so that first part of being conditioned to have low self worth was done unto me, and I find that a bit unjust that I have to have suffered so much headache and heartache to have come to this conclusion now....what do you think?
Hi Roza, I'm happy to help sweetheart. I think this blog will help you with this question: blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-people-attract-narcissists/ Love and blessings xoxox
Melanie Tonia Evans Thank you kindly so very much! I am eternally grateful to you and to God who lead me to you. I came across your channel after praying to God to help me and heal me from whatever it is in me that brings abusive and narcissistic people into my life, you're truly an angel. I am still learning and on a healing journey but I 100% resonate with your quantum approach, it's the only approach that seems to "click" for me, that saves me from self-pity, victim mentality, etc. I pray God blesses you infinitely more and more each day!!! I cannot thank you enough
I am very badly damaged, I have numerous clinical diagnoses some of which may also be genetic as well as environmental. mostly environmental I believe. in my case it may not be possible to up level and thrive, I have already been trying to for over a decade.
