I have very reasonable needs in the aftermath of an argument with a partner.. 1. Talk it out with me in a calm manner. 2. Reassure me that we are going to be okay (that's a huge one for me as an Anxious Preoccupied attachment style individual). Look me in the eyes and touch me as you're saying it. I pay attention to more than just words: I look for micro expressions and non-verbal cues as well, and if there is a juxtaposition between those two things, I'm not altogether reassured since more than half of communication actually IS non-verbal. 3. Hug me and hug me again. That's it. If a partner can't give me that, something is wrong. It's a red flag. I'm not "high maintenance": once I have the reassurance I need, I'm fine.
This ^ is definitely NOT too much to ask for unless you're a DA... I 100% agree with that verbal is not enough especially if your nonverbals are contradicting
I'm FA but act very Anxious when I fear abandonment and this advice is spot on for me. I need to learn to self soothe. It feels like the world is crumbling.
My mom was an AA as well as overly dependent. She leaned on me so much that as an adult I hardly ever visited her. We always got along, we talked on the phone weekly. But when I got off the phone I’d feel wiped out and have to go to bed 😣. She’d dump all of her problems on me and then say she felt so much better! The funny thing is I genuinely liked my mom, but she was sucking the life out of me. I’m sure she was very hurt that I pulled away, but I had to in order to survive. Any feeling of clinging sends me running for the hills! This may be more about her dependency than being AA though.
Th is makes me sad cuz like idk I bet if u shared with your mom she would also listen. I feel like I’m always villianized. Maybe if you shared then u wouldn’t feel overwhelmed. How can u connect if u don’t she doesn’t share problems. Maybe y’all can have a time limit or problem limit like she gets 2 issues a week.. idk
After an argument the person who is anxious needs to accomplish something.If it is relevant.Then consideration to fulfill a need is necessary.There is an immediate demand.This calls for agreement and immediate action to settle the differences.
Im mainly FA so I always ignored these AP videos. What a mistake lol! Because yeah when my DA partner starts to quiet down, deactivate and reject bids.. I turn anxious. I tell so many stories during those silences. Just even one tiny physical touch or sweet word or glance would set me at ease... I’m sure you have a video on how to handle it when the DA is deactivating. It’s just so hard to know when he is just peacefully sitting, and when he’s annoyed with me.
I'm secure and unfortunately being with a DA makes any attachment more anxious... Why is it that we are putting in so much work to accommodate the DA, are they watching videos on how to support an anxious? If not i don't see how a relationship which requires 2 people making an effort, can work
We are all (especially FAs) existing on the pendulum of all four attachment styles, meaning we can swing toward any direction depending on who we’re with, what’s happening between us, etc. There’s is no concrete position. And this actually the loveliest part of attachment theory because it means we can all work toward security- there’s neuroplasticity. So its always helpful to watch/read all the info on all the styles. We can learn from all the styles about ourselves and others. Good for you for diving in!
Breaking down many walls build up over the years with SO. Going through my personal transformation and these daily breakthrough videos are super helpful. Thanks Thais!🙏
I'm not worried if he gonna leave me while silence lasts after an argument. I'm very scared what my life with him will be like if I continue being with him and he doesn't put in n the work to understand my needs. Feeling like, if I'm gonna let this slide what can I expect in the future if this small issue make him go silenzio? Am I becoming secure or FA? The road to healing is full of doubts and insecurities...
i wanna cry after every conflict i have with my partner even tho we resolved everything through effective communication, because i really needed that in person re-bonding, but we dont live close.
I’m a DA and they’re AA. From watching this video I’ve just realised I am putting up invisible walls from past arguments. But how do I bring this up again to deal with it, when it’s something that happened so long ago? I want to just healthily let go. But after those arguments the connection does feel like it’s changed. Wouldn’t it just be more worrying to bring it up again now
You can bring it up in a healthy calm discussing in a sharing type of connecting with curiosity hopefully it's rewarding for both of you. Enjoy the joy of discovering self together
Im not sure if Im Anxious or FA. I tend to block person and take time after argument, more from a need to protect myself cuz I feel not understood and not respected. I isolate myself cuz I feel sooooo angry and I can really hurt them. I burst out with anger and DA just stands there totally confused, not knowing what to do, witch makes me even more angry.😤But after that I do want them to come to me and to be willing to work things out together.
My partner really wants to grow and heal from her anxious attachment, but also needs constant reassurance. My question is, how will she ever grow if I am constantly filling the space with reassurance? She will never get to sit with the uncomfortable feelings and practice her self-soothing tools. Isn't that just getting stuck in a dynamic/loop?
It’s a bit different if you ignored an anxious for your own space and when you were ready they created the walls and won’t communicate once you are ready. Then once they do communicate they say they need time. Then if you ask if the relationship is over during the time they needed they ignore it. Interested why that happens after a fight like that
I'm FA and my partner is AP. We recently had an argument, it was about me not calling on time and always being late. I've been sick recently, came down with a cold and fever, so yeah we argued and they kept pushing me away telling me to go find somebody else because they weren't the trouble and even saying they had somebody else to help them. It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever heard them say. I was this close to leaving because I felt so hurt and betrayed. I tried consoling them as best as I could, but they were still cold and distant. We've only been seeing each other for 2 weeks now and I want this to work. How do I properly communicate with them and get my point across with coming off too strong? Is there a way for me to tell them my boundaries and discuss with them properly the argument and how it affected me?
Hey Thais, what would you suggest if your dismissive avoidant partner takes space but refuses to do it in a boundaried way? For example they don't set time limits of when they will check in with you like "I need to go calm down but I'll call you in the morning" or "I'm going to go take a walk for half an hour and we can talk about this when I get back." As an anxiously attached person I have felt completely abandoned when there are no boundaries around the space. When I just get left I feel hugely triggered. Waiting for them to be ready to talk again also makes me feel that they are always in control of the communication. Thoughts? Suggestions? Thanks so much!
If you are, with a DA type...This will be the case, MOST or if not all time.....They are very difficult to connect with..Especially if you are a, Anxious type....They feel every touchy, or deep discussion or emotional connection, as an attempt at crossing boundaries.....Opening up, is an uphill journey...And if they have cheated on you, in the past, and you are trying to forgive them or move pass it..They will always feel they are under scrutiny or evaluated...Probably self soothe again, by cheating again.....They are just hard to LOVE...My Ex, she is a DA type, I wouldn't dear bring up the attachment type variations to her...Because she's a DA....
My anxious attachment style boyfriend broke up with me because he thought I wasn’t meeting his needs. I really want to make things work but he seems negative. How can I approach him? I started the contact rule now though…
I'm AP and I want hugs but also scared of getting them if argument is important. They make me pacified but sometimes I'm afraid of being calm while we are having an issue... Am I letting the one who will break my heart to hug me now? 😐 Like... No. I'm angry.
It's important to share all your needs with your partner and if they won't give this then it could be a sign that maybe they are incapable or not as invested in your needs
Hi. this is a question for anyone here who is a dismissive avoidant. If I keep getting different reasons from my dismissive avoidant dating partner about not wanting to get into a relationship but his actions dont match his words shud I give up on dat person.
Yes give up now before you have 13 years of hell under your belt and a child. My sons father was hiding me from his family, on social media, implying that we were “just best friends coparenting” to everybody else while being insanely jealous and possessive, used sex as a weapon and withheld affection as a weapon, breadcrumbing constantly and I was just eating it up. Then had the balls to tell me last month that it was not a relationship after I moved out. Just because it wasn’t a healthy relationship and it was dysfunctional, it doesn’t make it not a relationship. Fuck those people they are so damaged.. even if they try to act like they are totally safe. Mine was a covert narcissist- and a textbook one, not like how people call everybody a narcissist nowadays. He actually is certifiable. Be so careful and good luck
@@ComradeFromRhody401 I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I hope you can heal from it all. I really want to hear the opinion of the dismissive individuals.
As a counter to the below reply: I decided to wait it out until my Dismissive FA was ready for a serious commitment. Now he’s open, affectionate and not afraid to tell others that I’m his girlfriend and stand up for me. But prior to this point that wasn’t the case and it caused a lot of arguments. Overall mine has always acted like a boyfriend, even if he kept me close to the vest initially, until he was ready to dive in with a full commitment. It depends on how patient you are and whether this person is wanting a commitment “in the future”. You shouldn’t wait longer than you’re comfortable
