Bom. Spot on. I'm FA and painfully attached to finding the "why" of things, behaviors, attitudes, situations, events, and I dig so much into research that at times it exhausting - but it's the only way that truly helps me letting things go and move on. Every. Single. Time.
My ex is a FA. And we ended up in a territory of beyond repair. No matter how hard i tried. She told me is not my fault. It’s her. Hence she couldn’t give me a reason why it ended . Should i believe it literally? Or there’s more to it comming from a FA
@@cedricchan4224 I believe that when she says it's not your fault, it's hers, in parts it's true: we deeeeeeply consider ourselves flawed and we are aware that we'd like to break the chains that hold us back (trust issues, insecurities, etc...) but that we don't know how. If you're still in contact with her, you might want to ask her what she's experiencing (without any expectation attached butt to hear her version of the story), that's it, no more no less. And then you might want to ask her if those feelings are current and deriving from you of if it's possible they belong to her past and they just got re-ignited. I know this is what I would have liked to be asked when it was the situation...
Gaia Armellin gaia. I broke no contact after 08 months. I asked if this is the best outcome for us. She said yes. She remained cold and nonchalant. She did not ask the well being of me and told me it has been so long... she thought i have moved on and forgotten about it. I was rooted. She know how much i cherish the relationship and how much impact it did to me. 3 years of relationship...... she seem very indifferent. I never knew what is gg through all the time. After the breakup she seemed relief that she gotten rid of me. Which she find relationships, love all these are burden, redundant and troublesome. But at times she would tell me she wna be with me and walk till the part of marriage. And at times she will say she didnt feel like it. Her mood is more erratic than the stock market. She always pull a long black face when she is with me. At times she push me away. At times she wants me to be closer. It’s too erratic. The mood and physical and her feelings stance. She feel something today for me and tomorrow no. I understand her fears and her avoidant pattern. I tried explaining to her. She said it will never work between us because she is not even trying....... even after we tried and things got sorted out. She take out the reason of not having excitment or butterflies as the new problem. Is endless....... i’m also learning how to manage a relationship. Doing my best. Coupled with the fact of dealing with avoidant. I went back no contact. Again. It has been 10 months........ i would be lying if i said im over her.
She have too much fears and thoughts. I gave my best. Her relationships are all short lived. We manage to last for 3 years because i held and held and held. I lost all my pride ego and men’s respect. I did all i could. Of course me being anxious attachment style. I do have my mistakes and flaws. I only learn about attachment after my broke up. I dont think me going back to beg , plea or appeal will salvage anything. It is not something i could fix right? I have no answer and closure as i dont know what is going through a FA’s mind?
I'm an FA. I teared up when she mentioned how physical touch after an argument can melt. It's like verification that the other person DOES want connection, even when things feel horrible.
My FA ex told me a hug do wonders after a conflict. But she reject touch even on normal days. It’s very contradicting... like she says one and does the other? I’m anxious attachment
What they need. 1. To understand. They need to know why it happened. (Helps keep/ rebuild trust) 2. To be understood. (Why they did what they did) 3. To be validated. (Feelings) 4. Space (amount varies) 5. Physical touch. (90% likely) Thanks for the great video.
Can you do a video on how to talk to an FA who is SUPER sensitive to criticism. I feel like if I can’t even say the smallest thing to stand up for myself without him making it about me persecuting him, this relationship is done for.
Imagine needing a script and online courses in order to talk to a FA. Just get someone secure, what's the point?. The only person that can get them out of their hole is them. My FA just runs away after an arguement which he caused, he causes every time so why should I pander to him, what about my needs. Its not all about them, they like it that way which will make you miserable in the long run!
Exactly! Time does whatever you give it to do. If you give it the task of healing, it heals. If you give it nothing, it does nothing or even lets things fester.
What if they are the ones that created the arguement and they are the ones that run away after it hurting the other person. Because they are FA doesnt give them the right to treat others disrespectful then want the other person to understand them and give them time.
Thank you thank you thank you 🙏🏼 I am so grateful I came across your channel. I am FA and have finally after 46yrs understand my behaviour, patterns and blocks through your helpful videos. Alot of work to be done on my side but so ready to do this. 😊
Ahahaha ‘time helps you repress’ oh so true. I still haven’t resolved my feelings from losing a close friendship in febuary I just got past enough time to not feel extremely heavy on the inside (guilt?) and was able to enjoy things again but it wasn’t that it was resolved just enough time for it to not be so huge a feeling.
100% agree with all this! Never knew how to express it . Both my BF and I are FA and when we are argue we def both go into defensiveness... thank you for this . Hoping we can change how we react ☺
Yeah it can be tough... you have to avoid criticizing and shame/blame. Let him know what fears are coming up for you when a situation happens and if he can help you with your feelings. That way its not blaming the other but asking if they can collaboratively help them work through the others underlying fears. Amazing scripts within the Personal development school for effective conflict communication and getting your underlying needs met without triggering the others wounds! Good luck Jessica -PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool how do i avoid criticizing? He tells me more so that he constantly feels like I am criticizing him or blaming him when I'm just explaining why I got upset. He leans more AA and I lean DA ... so during most arguments after a few min I shut down and say I'm leaving and do or ask him to leave 😒 which he has now told me that makes him feel like he is unimportant to me . Not what I mean to do just at the moment need to run away 😔
@@jessicaibarra323 You think you are DA? tomorrows video is exactly on this topic :) But stress to him he is important but when an argument happens you have a need to withdraw and protect yourself and process your emotions. Let him know its your automatic adaptation response to an emotional situation and the action isn't to do with him personally. Tell him it's just because of the argument, nothing to do with the relationship overall and stress how important and how much he means to you otherwise. - PDS team member
I would love to understand how this would be possible with two fearful avoidants being triggered at the same time, and how to navigate the needs of the other when both are requiring the same thing for themselves to move through to recovery after arguing.
This video is helpful in some ways in how to be gentle with FA, but they are still going to have their avoidant side kick in if you keep giving and giving and trying to grow closer to them after an argument. That’s the double-edged sword about why FA are pretty much impossible to deal with - you give space and they become insecure/anxious, you give them reassurance and emotional vulnerability and they become dismissive/self-sabotaging. You either have them chasing after you, or becoming emotionally unavailable because in their eyes you’re too “available”, too “nice”, too “passive.” These might be helpful tips for temporary solutions but the harsh truth is FA need therapy and to dig deep inside themselves. No amount of understanding and reassurance is going to make them securely attached and trust you.
I disagree, there are Fa's like me taking their healing journey very seriously.. As an perfectionist I tent to feel I can't find a relationship untill I am healed and it's actually someone that would be reassuring that they don't leave me and respect my boundries and can be consistent that would actually make me feel safe and inspire me even more and gives me an great example. Since I know about other peoples copingmeganisms and insecure activation and deactivation tactics I can also be more understanding, knowing how to deal with that aswell and get triggert less fast. I started to feel so safe with an other Fa that was all about transparency and getting to know me but pushed my limits and I just learned to know my limits better and express my boundries but also practice that vulnerability and openness. Althow it was triggering for both of us what helped me so much was that he said hey I see this is your defense meganism.. I won't hold it against you I just try to understand what triggert you and how can I do better. Which were words that were healing my heart. Just as that I was scared after being vulnerable that he'd leave and he said I am going nowhere, stop worrying about that.. But sadly he now deactivated after being vulnerable himself and also me having to put boundries in our contact because I went through something tough and he expected the same open conversations while I wasn't ready yet and still processing. Him pushing me away, just not wanting to see me, stonewalling and taking no accountability has been extremely tough for me and my head started spinning of all my core wounds. This behaviour of his I addressed after giving him a whole month and he still behaves dismissive and like I am out for drama, which ofcourse he triggert in me. So what I am saying is the interested sides the part of him that made me feel seen, understood, cared for, accepted and safe is what is healing me but his insecure behaviours is what makes me behave poorly as an sort of last resort. If someone truely works on healing themselves and their partner can be the more secure rock for them than there is defenatly hope this will be a deep and flourishing relationship. But I have sadly not have found someone like that that would be willing to support my journey yet. Sometimes it surprices me to see that the people with the most problems and flaws get in relationships and I am still single even after all my hard work. But than I remember how I only seem to get on dates with people that show inmediatly their red flags and than gohst me or push me away so I would love to meet someone patient and understanding but also with their own life.
I LOVE YOU. Seriously. You may have saved our marriage. SERIOUSLY. He's DA I'm FA .. Regarding your comment about we like touch as an argument comes to resolution, I'd like to add and see what others think about HOW the hug is introduced. My husband used to come to me when I'm triggered or stressed or an argument and say, "do you want a hug" or "would you like a hug" and 1) the timing was off. I was still in the throws of the stressful experience and 2) he's asking me if I want a hug. It makes me feel like a child or teddy bare (humor) and also, since I'm the woman, I want him to assert the hug and I want it to be more than a childish hug but a warm touch even or manly embrace around me or even a warm hug and a kiss. We go for DAYS w/o touching and even avoid one another to the point where we see each other right when we go to bed (and I'm in hyper vig so bad that I often stay up for 1 or 2 days but I am thinking that's soon to change with your courses! He does things that trigger me SOOOOOOO bad and I do things that trigger him sooooo bad. We are holding on by a thread and so want to know in our hearts that we did everything we could. I've love to hear back on answers to the above questions!
I saw no one replied so far. We have the same constellation but a bit less pronounced i think. The fact that you want him to be in a masculine energy makes me think you have a need to feel save and secure and looked after, so maybe try to dig a little bit into that and see how you could get that need met in a way that works for your husband. I get how you want physical touch and he might recoil from it. What is helping me is to try to identify my deactivating patterns so I can work my way out of it- so definitely check out the videos on DA and FA deactivation strategies so that you both snap out of it quicker. Don't give up, I know it is really scary to let someone on so deep but I swear it is worth it. I am slowly slowly seeing progress and we have never been closer. So to sum it up: I understanf you crave that reassurance, esp after one or both of you have deactivated, but the intimacy will just be a plaster. Long term you'll have to dig into it to prevent the deactivation happening in the first place or make it less intense or less long. You can do it
I am securely attached, I am sad to have discovered all these videos as a form of coping/processing after my partner had a deactivating event-- huge -- and is an FA. Does not know this is what he was doing; his pattern. Won't acknowledge his patterns and in that takes the 'victim' stance where he feels he's got 'the problem', and said I have to change. His warring brain immediately swings into action and won't listen.. It has been 6 weeks since that event, and NC on his end. A week after NC, I wrote a kind email stating I'm listening to him, I'm putting the relationship first, I want to learn each other's attachment style, love languages and more.. Now I understand how I was standing in an unknown minefield, and once triggers started (about 2 weeks before the last event), I now know why landmines were hit. I can now guess what his core wounds might be, and triggers. All your points in this video are helpful, if the FA decides to 'show up'. Reading the comments below, and many comments on other videos solidifies, the relationship has ended, that is OK. I accept him for who he is. I will meet another good man. What is disheartening is this being will always become distressed in dating. I hope he will learn about himself, feel heard, seen and understood. I'm so proud of so many comments on your videos by viewers staying curious and life-long learners of who each of us is. Stay open.. Be You.. No one is perfect.. Breathe deep.. Be gentle to yourselves, and your partners.
Thank you Thais for your work. I had no idea about limerance, core wounds, triggers, deactivating events, protests, love addicts, love voidants and more until I was left completely confused by the actions and words of an FA. Spiteful is exactly a way to describe the events. No man has ever spoken to me that way, or said the things said to me in each event. Your videos have allowed me to process this; to not take what was said personally. And, I have had more relationships, and a few long term relationships at that -- from each one I learned something, even this one. I have been completing the 60 Questions as a form of my healing so I am ready to accept the next love a new man I meet gives me, and so I can share my love with him. I can say without a doubt, I will now state a non-negotiable in dating me, is learning attachment style. If a man isn't curious about himself, then.. "NEXT!" =) Cheers!
One of my best friends just told me upfront that she refused to let me be mad at her, and she just acted like she and I had never fought. An ex explaining why he screwed up, and knowing exactly what he had to work on in order to see me again.. these are ways to make up to a FA.
I really love these nuggets, they always come just in time for me, so many things to take away. I always end up feeling so empowered because I feel seen and understood (feelings and experiences validated), having a better understanding of how I function with my FA attachment and why something is of importance to me (in this case I clearly understand transparency from other people is a major need for me because I get clarity about a situation and information that guides my choices) and the part about taking accountability for yourself and how it frees you from the cycle of guilt and shame as well as those scripts you share also provide a blueprint for navigating such future interactions. One of the things that has become handy for me these days is stopping whenever I feel myself getting irritated to ask what am I projecting from my past into this present situation and what am I making it mean about me in this present situation, I can literally see myself doing conscious reprogramming work I. The moment which is so freeing because I am no longer a slave of my emotions, I don't have to act of them everytime I feel triggered, I can just let them exist, use them to see what's happening internally and take other conscious actions that don't lead me into trouble. Thank you so much Thais for these videos, you're literally saving lives
It’s crazy how much of a big heart you have to have to be with an FA I have the patience of a saint and I’m understanding and I love her but man it seems like everyone in the comments has a big heart too and has infinite patience and they still got burnt u begin to wonder if ur preparing urself for heartbreak
You can only be patient with people who try to heal and put in the work.. Otherwise what's the patience for? But if there isn't any than yea it will stay a very hard road. Comming from an healing Fa that is so burnedout from other insecure attachementstyles that showed little selfawareness and effort to take accountability and can very much trigger me to my old feelings.. Simulationsly I do have difficulty finding people that are also not looking for perfection but in a same sort of level of selfawarness and growth oriented apart from some of my friends :)
In all honesty and in the most loving respectful way i say this.. The FA desperately needs a slap in the face to wake them out of their imaginary fears and into real life
@@simmonsrenesha I'm sorry hon, wish you healing.. maybe by getting out of thinking only of how everything could hurt YOU and start taking the other as part of yourself and refusing to hurt them by withdrawing every time things 'seem' tough for you when they're normal on the outside.. just allow love to take over the fear or else you are hurting other people very deeply as withdrawing is the most hurtful thing human beings can do to people who Love them
So, I understand in theory what you're saying, but I feel like there's a lack of understanding about what really causes FA or really any insecure attachment style. These are deeply subconscious programs that run, and if you think that FA's are willingly destroying relationships without feeling that on some subconscious level they are unable to control it or feeling like they are just following their intuition (which is what it often feels like) then I just want to let you know that you are mistaken, at least most likely for the vast majority. I mean, imagine you're walking down a dark alley and you see a big silhouette of a person stumbling towards you. Wouldn't you have a survival response to protect yourself or run the other way? I doubt that someone slapping you in the face and telling you to keep walking down the alley would do much for you. That's literally what it feels like for insecure attachments
@@skwerl81 from the heart I send you a hug and a tight one.. I have a soft spot for FA and think they're the most amazing hearts out there, yet I've been hurt so many times by their excessive fears even in friendship.. that I have no more energy left in me to try anything with anyone, I am very securely attached but I do have a tumultuous past and a lot of wounds.. they tend to press every single one of them and never seem willing to work on their fears.. wish you healing and every single person who suffers from attachment trauma, it's tough I know
@@HeavenlyMe11 I'm sorry that you came across those people, but I wonder if perhaps they were willing to work on themselves but just didn't know how to. That was the case for me for a long time. I thought that something was just wrong with me and I was not meant for relationships. I see now that this is because (even after seeing several therapists) I was never offered any tools or information to understand why I felt the way that I felt. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself, and if you do feel the urge in the future, rather than generalizing, I would encourage you to share this channel and your knowledge with those who frustrate you. Of course you can still choose to not engage in those relationships but at least you could potentially be supporting even a small opportunity for change in the process
My ex just bailed and walled me off after an argument.said she needed space for weeks and I had to pull the plug.i only contacted her once week. She blocked me deleted photos immediately after breaking up. Wouldn’t meet face to face or answer phone so she made me do it through text. She then dropped off my stuff with a note saying sorry she couldn’t be the person I need. It was our first major fight in a year and half relationship that has many good memories. Never had someone ice me out so fast. It’s been two months now. Fell off the face of the earth
Sounds like she is DA. I don't know if you saw Thais's video two days ago but I feel like its relevant to what you just shared. Have a watch if you feel so incluned. ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-055hUpgM-vQ.html
Hi Thais, I’m so glad I found your channel! I have been going through all of your videos during the last weeks and your work inspired me to look for a therapist! i first heard about attachment styles a couple of years ago, but I always believed to have a secure attachment! Now looking back, my long term relationships were always with secure/anxious partners and they told me in many occasions that I was too detached and cold. Now I’m in a serious relationship with a DA, but since we started dating I’ve been acting like an anxious preoccupied! That feels super uncomfortable to me, because I always believed to be a detached secure person and I saw my detachedness as a sign of being secure, almost superior... “no no.. they are the ones who are too attached and codependent”. So to suddenly feel that I was the codependent, insecure and clingy one felt horrible! Now, going through your videos and taking your quiz, I see that I’m a fearful avoidant! Every single thing you say about this style sounds like you’re talking to me directly and it really inspired me to see myself and my relationship more clearly and start working on myself! Thank you so much for your work! You are impacting the lives of a lot of people through your videos!
My partner is a fearful avoidant. When he feels that he can't trust, he looks for physical or really specific things as a proof. Do you suggest to give it? It feels to me that it helps only for the very short term, and he goes back to needing more proofs the next time he feels mistrust.
I wish your videos also had a script I could read to study it. You talk at a perfect speed but there just so much golden information you’re churning out.
Last night my DA and I got into an argument about my daughter (not his biologically) because I let her go to her first sleepover at her cousin’s on her bio fathers side. He was upset that I didn’t consult him first and I reacted defensively because I didn’t know I needed to. It escalated into a big argument and then afterward we had sex and made up or so I thought. I reflected on what happened and realized I was deactivating and didn’t handle the conflict right, so I owned up to that and apologized and told him where my feelings were and what went wrong in my head. He assured me everything was okay last night. Now today he’s been extremely passive aggressive to me. We usually talk on the phone every morning on his drive to work and that’s something we both always valued as a way to connect, but he didn’t want to talk today. I asked if I could call him back in a little bit and he said okay, then when I did he was passive aggressive the whole time. I kept asking him if he was still upset and he snapped at me that he is now because I keep asking, and then started making these side comments about how “other people” would have handled the fight better than me. I’m very upset because I felt I did everything I could to remedy the situation and now he is deactivating. This is our first fight since getting back together. How do I handle this? I don’t want to go down this road again. It doesn’t feel good to be treated like this but when I said that he told me it was all in my head, and it’s not...
For the first time I've found myself hold hands or being in close contact (staying really near or a hand on the shoulder/arm) during conflicts with my recent FA ex (even if these conflicts were calm), doing it instinctively (I've never done that before). And after these moments he was always asking for affection, like a kiss, a hug or cuddles. I didn't know we both were FA before the break up, but I guess I was feeling inside it was the right thing to do, that maybe both needed that contact (or maybe just me?)
It ended, almost 2 years too many falling outs and I was the only one wanting to figure it out, two different goals in life. This will be difficult but it must be done, I will heal in time and move on I deserve better and I am a wonderful and good person. I refused to let her go, but I asked her to finally just delete me forever
Hi Wesley. How are you doing now? I’m wondering if this is going to be my path also. I can’t seem to stay away from my bf who I think is a dismissive leaning FA. I am AA. We have major trust issues due to some of his behavior and it’s hard to want to be too sympathetic to his attachment style sometimes because I worry that he doesn’t truly care about me and is potentially even cheating on me. We haven’t seen much improvement in 10 months, and his being an alcoholic makes things 20 times worse. I don’t know what to do. We got into an argument last night and it’s been over 21 hours… He text late last night saying he would call me tomorrow but I haven’t heard from him whatsoever and we were supposed to have plans to begin with this evening. I don’t know if that’s just his attachment style or if he’s trying to be cruel on purpose, or if he just doesn’t care enough to want to reach out right now. It’s so confusing and heartbreaking. On top of that we were each others first boyfriend and girlfriend in high school and we just got back together 33 years later. I wanted it to be a fairytale come true and it looks like that’s not going to happen.
This was really helpful. Thank you Thais! I love the idea of “time repressing wounds”. I am learning how important it is to move through uncomfortable feelings, and really heal properly from moments of pain and conflict. I am not a member of the school (yet), but I have a question that maybe you might be able to address in a video (if you haven’t already done so yet!). I am a Fearful Avoidant learning anxious. I am currently working on healing the classic FA struggle of learning how to actually receive love when it is given to me. Because I am so used to giving so much of myself in order to hustle for, “earn” or be “worthy of” love, I am finding I’m deeply mistrustful of love when it comes easily to me. More often then not, I deactivate and disengage (and often attach toxic stories to the situation as a means of protecting myself about the other person to justify these before I can get hurt). I am learning to identify my toxic stories, but I am still struggling to allow myself to let love in. Do you have any tips on how to work on trusting and receiving love, specifically for this FA experience (or maybe, a link to a video where you do a dress this if you’ve already talked about this?) Thank you so much for all this incredible content. I’m learning so much from your videos. They have been integral to my own healing journey ❤️
Joseph Zita this is a great topic for a video! I would say that just to get you started maybe start with really tiny baby steps of accepting from others. For me personally, it was even just allowing someone to hold shopping bags for me, or accepting a compliment without brushing it off, things like that. Try to consciously be aware when you do this and really feel the emotions behind it, and consciously try to reinforce the fact that you were able to accept some thing and how it maybe felt good, things like that. The stories will try to drag you down for sure LOL, but keep focusing on the positives. Slowly work your way up to bigger things. I hope that helps!
Can you do a video on FA single mums? My ex is FA and we both have children from previous marriages. She had a rough childhood and when we separated she pretty much said she wasn’t risking her daughter being treated as second rate. I got on great with her daughter and we were still figuring each other out. It’s been 3 months now, is it too late to rekindle the relationship? Will she reach out?
thank you! in the breakthrough stage, it's easy for the opposite party to give clarity but for FA acknowledging their part, how would the opposite party bring that up as a solution to help ease their shame / guilt?
They will admit and acknowledge tje problem. But they refuse to work on it as it’s probably confusing and painful to touch base. That is my experience with my ex. I tried to help her and etc. but she didnt wanna show up and do the bare minimum. Thats when i know i have to end it.
You really dont get much in return for dating a fearful avoidant. Everything is always about them. You want too much, you dont give enough. Its not their fault but its not your responsibility either.
The love and care they give is nice, but they are still a huge responsibility. I got tired of dealing with my ex’s poor communication, lack of trust in people, insecurities, shouting and deactivating during arguments, and he wouldn’t express his needs. It just wasn’t worth all the hassle and I hope to meet someone who’s more secure in the future.
Wow this is really true. I think it’s bc they have so much trauma that they have no space for another. Essentially it’s like you have to be a parent and give and expect nothing back bc they’re not capable it…until they become secure.
This makes me so sad. As an FA, I have so much love to give the people I care about. I have a servant heart but don’t like to be made a fool of. My reactions arise when I’m being disrespected. I hold them back for as long as I can and then there’s a line that crossed. I’ve spent hours watching the DA videos trying to work out how best to navigate and create a healthy relationship with the person I care about - it sadly wasn’t enough for them. But I hate the thought of being written off bc I don’t love the way random people would like me to. If anything I found myself walking on eggshells for my (ex) person.
After an argument I sometimes stay in my room for days without talking to my husband. And I don't like to be touched or hugged at all. I thought I was a FA. Is this normal?
İ think I need more time than normal FAs I hate to talk after an argument if I'm overwhelmed I kinda hide and run away until I feel less angry and frustrated
My dismissive avoidant ex is the only person who did all of these steps naturally. It made me feel incredible. One day we were headed to lunch and we were talking about family in the parking lot. I told her I don’t have a relationship with my distant family and I’m fine with that I can’t miss what I never had. I’m fine. She was disagreeing with me telling me it’s important and that I should try or be open minded because I don’t want to lose out on that. I felt as if she was going to see me as someone who was broken and didn’t value family (which is important to her) and then cut me off. I was getting very uneasy and going into fight or flight. She immediately was stopped everything and told me she’s not against me. She can tell that even though I think it’s not a big deal it still evokes strong emotions and she wanted to have me see something a bit different. She didn’t even continue the conversation. She started just calming and soothing me by saying I’m not against you I’m hear with you and I’m not trying to hurt you. We’re a unit and I’m with you through this. She was hold my hand, I began tearing up because I was so tense and wanted to run but was calming down when she said those word. It was the first time I ever had a true teammate. She wiped my tears while continue to reassure me and then asked me to give her a kiss. Told me to breathe and helped me calm down. Then we got out the car and headed into the restaurant. While I was talking to the front desk she stood beside me and placed her hand on the small of my back in the most “I’m here for you, I’ve got you, you’re safe, I’m right here with you” comforting way. It reconfirmed all over again that she was the one. Until I found out she was in a 4 year relationship and living with someone else.
But as an AP, myself, do I have to cater to somebody elses needs all the time while not getting the connection and intimacy, which are the things I've gotten into the relationship for, in the first place?
Thank you so much for this Thais! I can’t seem to stay away from my bf who I think is a dismissive leaning FA. I am AA. We have major trust issues due to some of his behavior, and it’s hard to want to be too sympathetic to his attachment style sometimes because I worry often that he doesn’t truly care about me (though he acts like it frequently- very complicated) and is potentially even cheating on me. We haven’t seen much improvement in 10 months, and his being an alcoholic makes things 20 times worse. When he relapsed he’s incredibly avoidant, unreliable, non communicative and even leaves for hours or goes to a hotel. It triggers me severely. I don’t know what to do. He moved out of here after only 2 months and is staying at his parents house until he gets an apartment (we were supposed to live together but he said right now our fighting is hindering his sobriety which I agree with). We got into an argument last night and it’s been over 21 hours since we have spoken… He text later last night saying he would call me tomorrow (today) but I haven’t heard from him whatsoever and we were supposed to have plans to begin with this evening. I don’t know if that’s just his attachment style or if he’s trying to be cruel on purpose, or if he just doesn’t care enough to want to reach out right now. It’s so confusing and heartbreaking. On top of that we were each others first boyfriend and girlfriend in high school and we just got back together 33 years later. I wanted it to be a fairytale come true and it looks like that’s not going to happen.
@@v10letv1xen9how are you doing now? I’m in virtually the same boat but now even more attached. I feel like he’s made some improvements but it’s been very slow. I’ve been trying hard to take ownership of my own behavior, but it’s hard to change when you are constantly feeling insecure. I hope things have gotten better for you.
Transparency understanding why it took place gives trust DA pulls away seems shady... if they say they pulled off to self to think it gives trust Need clarification
Such a nice video, good to see it and learn further. As a DA, some of the things what the FA needs after the argument are almost impossible to offer because the deactivation is still in place for a period. If criticism is present in an argument, for me there are 0% chances to give a hug or show understanding for the other person´s feelings until I cool down.
As an AA, I just don't understand this. I feel like I have a whole ego and pride but at a certain point of hostility, I can easily say "hey. Wait. Lets stop this." I can easily hug and drop the meaness, apologize and say thats not where I want this argument to go. I don't understand the need to steamroll with rage until one is done because what happens when anyone goes too far?
Would you be willing to share your definition of criticism? My DA partner often tells me he feels criticized, but is not really clear on how I could change my communication so it would not be heard as criticism. I try to be mindful of my tone, use I statements, focus on my needs and feelings (I feel sad bacause I need connection, could you x?) and somehow he still hears criticism and complaints. Any insights on criticism from your DA perspective would be appreciated.
@@welutha Hi Agata, thanks for asking me. Sometimes can also be that he is perceiving non-existent criticism, once the "victim" mentality is there. In my case, all what starts with "You cold have/should have/didn't" already increases the pulse as I write. If the topic discussed is the subject, I am ok .. if I see that the blame comes on me, even subtle .. deactivation starts. I do work on it and not burst out but the pulse goes up anyway.
@@Alphacentauri819 @Razvan Andries Thank you. I really needed to hear your perspectives. I do see the "victim mentality" sometimes in my partner. It must be extremely difficult and painful feeling blamed for everything bacause of this mindset. Sadly, because of it, in my relationship I also get the impression that "his need is for me not to have needs". Whenever I want to talk about my needs it is seen as me "starting a fight". He becomes defensive and needs his space to "process". But I don't think the processing happens. He just calms down and expects me to forget everything, pretend the conversation didn't happen. If I want to return to the topic after he had his space it is seen as "starting a fight" again, he withdraws again and it becomes a viscious cycle where problems are never resolved and I don't get the chance to be heard.Thank you guys for helping me see that there might be stuff going on in his head that I won't be able to fix, no matter how well I communicate. Maybe it's time for me to let go.
