What the Narcissist REALLY wants 

I learned that 50% of people hate you and 50% love you. And a narcissist wants 100% to love them, which is impossible.

Always when a narcissist gets vulnerable, I just find it so strong. Whereas most people do not think that way unfortunately.

It's not your fault. You never asked for it. I know you suffer. I can hear it in your voice. You and cluster b milkshake are trailblazers. Keep going. You are helping others.❣️

Hey, Nameless mentioned me in one of his videos! So it's official, I'm rubbing shoulders with a celebrity now 😎 Ah, so my theory on the previous video wasn't quite on the money then. But now that you've clarified your motivation, I mean yeah it actually makes perfect sense - wanting to be seen and understood on a deep level trumps the need for self-esteem juice. It IS, in fact, a highly advanced form of self-esteem juice in and of itself (perhaps a healthier, more sustainable one?). And yes, you are correct that almost everyone you've met in your life, probably did actually "know" you, as in, they saw you as.... well, someone! And yes, we, your viewers, see you as someone too (I can only imagine what a mindfuck that must be for you to try and wrap your head around!) Anyways, as many others have already commented, your videos have provided and continue to provide a ton of value to people trying to understand this disorder. It proves that your pursuit for self-esteem juice CAN do quite a lot of good in the world. So therefore I think your goal of trying to become the best, most virtuous person makes a lot of sense, especially if it can minimize harm while maximizing benefit at the same time (on that note, I've gotta check out that book by Dostoevsky, by the way!).

Thx for this video. Being genuinely kind to someone who suffers from NPD can often feel threatening knowing that the true intention of the gesture may well be interpreted as pathetic or even a weakness on the givers part. Charity is not is thing that is given out of weakness nor received out of weakness. It is strength. Keep up the good work in sharing your thoughts. You help people like me who are trying to work out the workings of NPD in loved ones 😊

I think most narcissists want what we all want-to be seen & not judged for it.

The thing with virtue and humility is that you don't achieve them one day, you make a choice to embody them every living moment until the very end, and you stick to that choice with no hopes for any other form of reward or validation. They are the reward in themselves. Nothing more.

That rough place seems to be working for you. You and Cluster B Milkshake really are doing something “special” here, and are also showing us how all Cluster Bs (just like everyone) have their own individual paths to understanding themselves. That leftover feeling of uniqueness from that study you mentioned didn’t really surprise me and may even be somewhat realistic - pathological narcissism really does occur only in a minority of the population. With other disorders there’s a sense of “feeling different”, so I wonder if narcissists started to look at it like that, they might also be able to appreciate that there are other people out there who also feel different, but in different ways. You already seem to have that sort of appreciation for Hinsoog and another friend you’ve mentioned. You’ve talked about object relations theory several times so you’ve probably already come across it, but I like Melanie Klein’s description of the paranoid-schizoid and depressive positions, because it highlights the importance of the depressive position for growth and maturity. The theory is that we all go through many rounds of this over the course of our (younger) lives, and that it that it gets stunted in narcissism. Looking at your and Milkshake’s videos of late though and there seems to be a bit of that going on. Sometimes the depressive position is a good thing :)

@thenamelessnarcissist It's such a heartbreaking catch 22, you want someone to care enough to really see you, to crack you open and really feel you and yet it can also be one of your biggest fears, hence spending so much time in performance. You believe you cannot be loved for who you really are. The constant struggle to ever know who you truly are as well will create those constant barriers between you and those who do care about you. It's an extremely isolating and painful condition, I always called it the heartbreak disorder. This one hit really hard. I feel you. Keep your lovely chin up! ❤️

I think this channel is a healthy way for you to regulate your self-esteem. You have to do it no matter what, but the key is to do it in healthy ways.

Some rants, starting with an odd, alternative, hypothesis I’d like to share with you, because it really shines of hope: I think the Good Old Neo video, in a sense, WAS giving you “self-esteem juice”, because it gets you attention after all. BUT: in some way, perhaps unconsciously, your system is beginning to suss out that real honesty and vulnerability gives juice too (because of the positive appreciation/shit ratio of providing it?) - and perhaps even a higher octane form of juice. My fringe hypothesis is that you (and perhaps some - but not all - others doing the same thing) are actually healing (as in getting more “normal”; sorry), and that providing honesty and vulnerability to a camera is a sort of “dry hump” (in lack of a better metaphor, sorry) that you’ll eventually be able to show more of in person too. It is, after all, one of the ways the rest of us, as “normies”, get our “juice” - by being real and vulnerable and receiving love/liking and thankfulness in return because the recipient knows it’s a trust, a confidence, a step to closeness - and a lowered guard for both when it happens. (And every now and then we step on mines, because it wasn’t well received or reciprocated, because… that’s life too.) (And I’d love to see a psychoanalytic interpretation of this, haha: “He uses his audience to fill the role of a parent figure, but having gone the road of vicarious parent figures before without much positive result he now builds a distant and nebulous - but, nota bene, predominantly loving - parent figure that he won’t be able to discard that easily, which a is really clever - and brave - way to start practicing authenticity AND receiving love without freaking out. One could say it’s a symbolic form of CBT way of gently and slowly taking on psychodynamic conflicts.”) And you WERE wrong about self-esteem regulation being the number one objective. It’s love and safety/security (including being seen and accepted). It’s always that. Self-esteem regulation only becomes a greater objective once love and safety isn’t assessed as being within reach. You know, we all “need people’s reassurance” - some of us just happen to trust it as we get it, and with that regulation pretty much takes care of itself most of the time. And if we don’t get it - we get quirky too. But if I’m even remotely correct in what I wrote in the first paragraph, then hang on because you may be in for some treats. Rooting for you :) (By the way: It’s scary being vulnerable (/brave) as it creates anxiety, system arousal, a fear of shame until it’s validated and hence guard’s up. I can’t imagine that would be any different just because you’re alone and talking to a camera, or perhaps those feelings even get stronger in that situation. Is that possibly what you feel, misinterpret and “displace”- not actually rage at your roommate?) Thanks, you brave and honest person.

You are hilarious ... not sure you know it! I love your genuine honesty ❤️ I wish there were more people like you around in this world. You are a wonderful human being - able to admit your flaws and poke fun at yourself. We are all flawed, no one is perfect. If they are, it's all an act! I also like McDonald's McCafé coffee :)

Great job being real. It's still hard for me to be an honest person overall.

I think this is my favourite, god I wish I was better at English because favourite isn't exactly the right word but I hope you know what I mean, my favourite video you have made thus far. Contemplative, real, "The only time when people catch me in a lie is when I desperately want myself to, when I want desperately someone is going to peel back those layers". This. This cuts deep into my soul. Thank you for showing me there are people out there like me. That I am not so strange, not so terrible. I don't really have any more words. Also "You can see I've had it rough emotionally lately but hey theres good unemotional things coming up haha so I'm gonna be okay" is so relatable, and people always fall for it. For some reason they believe me when I say I'll be okay when I am suffering deeply, because "oh but like Im starting this cool thing soon I'll be okay :)" all the while vibrating, screaming at my very core and disintegrating because of how amazingly I am suffering. Very great video, the nameless narcissist

Thank you for that perspective on being the best narcissist, I feel like that would be a effective way to integrate this disorder within someone. Best perspective I’ve EVER heard 😉

I've been disguising myself that way most of my life and it really f**** with my head because on the one hand if you are your actions I guess I'm doing all right most of the time but when I try to tell my friends the truth of how I feel they think I'm just having self-esteem issues and try to point out all the wonderful things I do and they just can't understand how this makes it worse. Because I realize every time that nobody knows me and then they think I'm so cynical when I see someone like me doing a similar thing and I call them narcissistic.. I've somehow surrounded myself with codependent people who are trying to see the good and everyone

One thing I know is that healthy people don't date narcissists. It's not that nothing they say when they leave is true but you have to also understand that the weight of their emotions has to do with their own traumatic background. You know they have one because if they didn't they would have recognized the red flags

I applaud, Jacob. and the growth that he is making. It is not easy to open up about mental problems. When you do , you get labeled a freak or monster. The thing that sets Jacob part from other self aware narcastic is vulnerable. Not to say that there are others doing good work there are. But you there are few out there , you get the feeling that they are doing videos for some sort of penance and that is fine. But it does not give you the full picture of what is going on in a NPD sufferers head. I went through an abusive toxic relationship with someone similiar to Jacobs background, army man now government agent. The cycle was intense, It went from I love you and care about you to oh hey I am going to ghost you and we are only going to talk when I need something from you . It hurt like hell. I left him and have not looked back. I hated him . For what he did to me, because the abuse was on a intimate level , that will i understand and get its over and I had to provide my own closure. Not to mention the lies, It was like the closer to the ending of it , I realized how many lies were told by my abuser. Thanks to people like Jacob, and his willingness to open and honest in his videos, things have changed. I have regained empathy for my abuser. That does not mean that I want to get back with him, He is not aware, and I get that I am just a long line of exes. The thing about Jacob and his videos, I have now have new insight. This insight has changed my opinion of my abuser. I get that he is suffering and while he did to me, was horrible and not excusing him at all. I have realized that my suffering and hurt will eventually end, and his (my abuser) will proably have a life time of anxiety , shame , suffering, and loneliness, that sucks for him but it is no longer my problem. Thanks Jacob for all that you do for everyone. You do not get enough credit.

Great video mate!!! I'm a little worried about that cut on your right forearm - hope you're okay! You're the best, and we love and respect you. From one fellow cluster b to another, I appreciate you and the extremely important work that you are doing here on RU-vid. Thank you for spreading awareness about us!!!

Are people with NPD capable of apologizing? Or telling people that they actually care or have ever cared about a person? I couldn't even get either of those out of my ex who manages to blame me for all her shitty behavior. I told my ex she had to look me in the eyes and either apologize or tell me she's never given a fuck about about me if she wanted her stuff. I know she probably has to fragile an ego but it pisses me off. behavior such as sneaking off in the middle of the night to somewhere that she had basically cheated on me at a flying monkey's house (loophole of course) and telling shit lies to cover it. I had her location. I'm into the 3rd week of the discard over it and this is after she broke my fucking window and to get into my place days into this. I know she WANTS me to beg. I told her if she wants me to beg she can just keep waiting.

The more we dwelve into deep self reflection and understand our mother & father wounds or what have you- the more we grow into our own person and can learn to develop empathy first fir thy self then for others. ❤

I think that’s true for us all. We all want to be fully known & seen & accepted for who we truly are. Narcissists really aren’t that different in a lot of ways. They’re just people. And you’re right it is fun being unhinged sometimes lmao but seriously sometimes bpd does make me feel like I’ll never be completely better & I’m doomed to have horrible relationships. At times it does feel hopeless. You are super relatable.

I think that's true. I'm always bursting with the want to share myself and stifling myself with the knowledge that no one cares. I think that's why I want to start a RU-vid channel. I don't think it is for the attention because I expect it to backfire in my case

I never understood shame. Why the hell should I feel bad for something I did, I did it. It's fascinating to me, that emotion.

Man, I stopped your video around the 1:00 mark and typed out a long comment about the drive and desire to genuinely connect and be seen and the means we go about it being ironically counter productive, only to have you verbalize most of it in the rest of the video. Hopefully this community you're building and these videos you're making help you and those who engage with them feel that sense of connection. I know it's definitely having that affect on me. Maybe that's why we seek validation from others; because it's the only way we feel we can connect with normal people. We need that mask and those accolades and all that random niche knowledge because we don't trust that we'll be accepted as just ourselves. Which in reality is probably just us projecting the way we see ourselves onto others. So when those means work and people do end up validating us, it's still counter productive because we're making them see us as better than we view ourselves, leading to that feeling of fakeness. And that thing you said about what your exes said about you... I only dated while I was self aware, and I wish that my exes had said that shit about me... They only ever would say kind and caring things, like I couldn't even goad them into telling me that I'm as awful as I see myself, which made me feel even more guilty and fake and unseen. My last ex didn't even believe me when I told her I was a narcissist after she broke up with me, I think because I managed to make myself her favorite person. So of course I proved her wrong once she gave me the chance to...

I feel your fear about being open like this. But I also see how much courage it takes to do so. Peace be with you. 💙🙏🏻

This channel is dope I lot of people can’t be vulnerable and honest like you.

I would recommend it. It's like shooting for the moon and at least ending up Among the Stars. You will have more to genuinely feel proud of. I think of it like gaming the system. I cannot change my programming but I can change my perspective and my values which will cause me to act differently. I cannot change my mental illness but I can change my actions on the outside and this makes me feel less bad about myself then when I tried more forceful tactics

hello, i don't have a lot to add other than thank you for putting out your experiences - i am writing a character with NPD and these videos have been helpful in learning more about the disorder without it being doused in stigma, also the study links and sources have been very appreciated

I've been watching your videos and my thoughts were that you seemed a Tortured soul and bounce between your true self, your created self and what's expected of yourself. I applaud you for working so hard on yourself It must be very hard on you and painful! I genuinely wish you the best!

4:12 my Dad was NPD and this! OMG. I'd make this remark over and over... This is great, btw. A lot of insight into my father. I never thought he was a bad guy, but it was trying to see the self-sabotage. This is also much-needed because so much of popular communication makes ppl with PD seem straight up evil, and that's not true.

Great video! I’m still chipping away at that 40 page short story!

Thank you very much for making your videos! 🤗 You're the best! I wish you everything that you genuinely wish to yourself!

I used to be painfully shy. As a 13 year old I was too shy to buy something in a shop. I was ok at school and with people I knew. But with strangers, I was almost a mute. Gradually, gradually I changed. It really started to be noticable in my early 30s and I ended up fearing virtually no one. Such a radical change came with experience and no magic, or even much thought about how to change. It just happened. Despite how it may feel, it might not be impossible to tweak a few things usefully here and there just through experience.

You are glorious you have a level of awareness that is profound

I think your incredibly introspective and sensitive . I dont feel you are narcissistic. You just need to build your self esteem. You are very deep . Its a strength!

Since the core is unstable and the sense of self is unstable, the “vulnerability” and suffering are real but then reperceived thru the unstable self…and projected onto others So…real vulnerability makes you question whether or not even your showing vulnerability is also a mask despite being authentically vulnerable The counter to that is that you can notice that vulnerability also gets admiration…so you never know who you are…or if what you are sharing is trustworthy to even you Is this correct or off?

Reminds me of a discussion that would often come up with my ex, about whether good deeds were still good even if the intentions behind them were insincere. We never got to a satisfactory conclusion with the discussion, but I feel that the vulnerability you have showed in this video and the previous one, is so damn helpful to those involved or afflicted, that at least in this case- then yes, regardless of the motivations for that vulnerability, it is without a doubt, a good action, because it is so helpful. Thank you. I applaud you.

You helped me have more compassion towards the love of my life and ex thanks so much

I think it's the unfortunate predicament of: (1) not having been loved/seen/known as a child and having this huge, drastic, survival need that you keep on chasing, much like kids who lived through starvation often end up hoarding food; (2) not having learned how to be a person, not having developed a sense of self by exploring the world, by exploring your likes, dislikes, whatever tickled your curiosity or fascination - not having developed any of that because you were in a constant state of emotional starvation, of survival-level terror, of fixating on how you could gain those crumbs of love and attention from your caregivers, from anyone, really - much like a starving kid isn't going to be curious about why the sky is blue when there is any slightest chance of stealing or begging for a slice of bread. And now you end up with one idee fixe, one obsession - how do i get loved and seen? - and no real sense of self, no real "you" to be loved and seen. And now there is simply nothing you can do other than relying on a false self, a facade, to try to quench that insatiable thirst for being loved and seen - which are very normal needs that everyone has. It's just others have ways of meeting these needs, and we don't have what it takes to meet them. And even if there was someone who could truly see and love us as we are (which is hard because extreme hunger, emotional or otherwise, can make humans do horrific things), even if there was someone who still love us, we wouldn't be able to take it in anyway, because we'd be terrified it would end any moment without a warning - because that's what our lived experience has taught us, that's how our caregivers treated us, crumbs of attention that were rare and random yet sweeter than anything else in the world. And so we are eternally trapped chasing, striving, struggling to fill the void, yet we do not have what it takes to fill it. Then, of course we end up feeling disgusted by ourselves as we know we have to constantly maintain a facade, fake, pretend, manipulate others, just to get a few crumbs, just to get a few crumbs. Amd there is no escape, since we truly do not have anything else as part of our personality, the way others have interests and passions. Those are things way up the Maslow pyramid, we never develop them because we've always been stuck in survival mode. I sometimes wonder if there is a way for us to develop a sense of self as adults, slowly build it up the way children do. I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what goals I set, no matter what hobbies or interests I try, the ultimate underlying motive is still that desperate need to gain love, to become someone loveable. And how can i really blame myself, any more than i'd blame severely neglected kids who do not know how to play? (And I think for narcissists the proxy, the tool for gaining love is maybe status, achievements, approval, whereas for borderlines it's love more explicitly.)

The other thing is.... everyone's a fraud to some extent. Everyone performs to some extent. It doesn't mean your empty, it means you're human.

The good news is we can neither see nor hear your roommate. So other than affecting your concentration he is having no effect on your videos

Great video btw im proud you are able to help..and have your own ministry..for helping the lost

Hey, have you ever tried the Personal Development School to help with recovery? I'm heavy into their RU-vid channel, but the real stuff seems to be their courses. I don't believe Narcissistic recovery is impossible, but we're definitely behind on treatments. But they do really interesting stuff with subconscious script reprogramming, and I'm started wondering how that would work for personality disorders. Couldn't hurt, right? Glad for your content shedding light on all this stuff.

I have actually noticed that basically every characther one could hypotehically diagnose with NPD Have quite the tragic story

Great video! I'm curious, have you ever felt empathy or felt bad for someone pain or someone problems? I also felt most of my life miss understood, underestimated and different btw ahaah 😅

My husband grew into the disorder big time when he hit mid 30s

Empathy can present itself differently in autistic people when compared to neuro-typical people -- and that can sometimes make it very hard to see -- which may be why there's this misconception that autistic people lack empathy or are narcissistic. I suspect that Moses may have struggled with autism, even perceiving himself being slow in speech. But Moses’ exceptional attention to detail seems to be a gift given by the Almighty to minister to God’s people. There can be so much confusion in perception. I think there is also a large misunderstanding of what we are all fighting for. As someone who readily identifies as dense, it simply means it can take a lot for things to sink in… Subtlety is my mortal enemy, and I don't process things in the abstract very well. I need people to be direct with me in day to day interaction. By no means is it an indication of stupidity or an inability to learn, it just means my brain processes things differently. I have to take things down to their most basic levels, and once I understand something at its most base level, I can build up from there, and honestly, in most cases I have a better understanding of whatever it is than others. ❤ Solicitude, or brotherly love and admiration, is associated with the beatitude, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4). Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)

I hear what you're saying. What do you think of Vaknin's therapy for npd and the retraumatizing? I was reflecting on your words and aside from all the bs this disorder gives us, if we were to watch a movie about what we went through as children could you have empathy for that child? That's where it starts..... totally detached, like being in a theatre and watching a movie that was me. I would have empathy for that little girl that was me. I wouldn't cry. I would just accept it and (hopefully) allow myself the grace of being who and what I became. 😊🌹❤

I want to break my inhibitions without getting into shit with the law and people who want endless vengeance against the one possessed by Vengeance Himself, Alastor. I want Alastor.

This explains it so much i know my sil cant get as far as you can with your ability to express .. i do completely understand the re set .. because when i caringly try to be vulnerable and get her to.. knowing shes not self aware..the walls are so thick.. because its her defence mechanisms of her childhood..and my mother-in-law i see is a shamer...and i hold her and her mothers mother responsible... They are empty without anger .. and really they should embrace the sadness .of this is who they are when triggered.. its so much deeper..and sadly they do this push away some.... But not all which confused me.. why target me? Who has empathy for her but she is so competitive and makes up her own lies that i am against her..when i have to set boundaries.. can you explain more why you as a group clain the person who is your perpetrators.. is actually their victims

I want to take a guess at something. No clue if I'm even close.. I think NOT telling them your needs and wants and them doing it, shows a real genuine connection and attunement to you, where if you TELL THEM and "THEN" they do it, it may not feel as valuable, bc it's like a _"You're only doing it because I told you to, not bc YOU WANT to" kinda thing. Usually if u tell them and now they KNOW what u want and need, at that moment they decide "I want to do this for him and the way he wants it done" _BECAUSE_ they care. If they didn't care they wouldnt bother with it after you telling them and them knowing. I think it's like a guessing game that u want them to get correctly every time? If so, I 100% understand that.

I’m really late to the show. I’m dying to know what the roommate is doing that drives you nuts. I just found your channel

why are some narcissists so sadistic?

idk how anyone can truly be healed in this broken society with this broken mentality

Parece que a grandiosidade interfere até no nível de sofrimento... como se o narcisista sofresse mais do que outros (hierarquicamente fosse o master top sofrido), mas isso é apenas a grandiosidade do transtorno falando. Todo e qualquer ser humano quer ser visto, amado, compreendido. Todo e qualquer ser humano sofre. A grandiosidade acaba por manter o narcisista sempre numa postura de vítima injustiçada, que guarda rancor, raiva e vergonha... O narcisismo é tão egocêntrico que coloca até seu próprio sofrimento como mais doloroso do que qualquer outro. Interessante...

Your poor housemate 😅 have you tried putting a sign on the door saying dont disturb, or telling him you’re gona be recording for the next half hour so don’t disturb you?

The books by Patricia Evans explain this too

This isn't related to this video but I was thinking about your issue with coming up with the ideas and I'm an idea machine with no motivation to do anything or no courage whatever. I love TV shows and what are the things you never see is an actual representation of NPD you see a lot of people with the symptoms but I can't remember any TV show or movie where they said yeah this character has NPD. But a lot of characters apparently do and I think that's an interesting way to relate also. For instance the show the good place has like every type of narcissist that exists LOL. I thought I would very much like to do an episode about how everyone but Jason is a narcissist. And I think people would be surprised that Jason is not a narcissist but you see he is not suffering

I like toi first say live the fact that you are removing your sunglssses, I personally love to see you that is wonderful! :) 2. I have for the last year studing npd bpd everything and ever personality disorder and overall people emotions why they possible act the way they act. At the end I could only come to one conclusión people in general just want to be loved.

Supply.

you sound like someone i know

I know narcs cant love anyone genuinley. Ha e you ever loved any one or wont you let that happen do you keep distant

You need an Internal Family Systems trained Psychotherapist also trained in EMDR and attachment trauma. Yw.

So narcissists like being narcissists, and there is a certain amount of volition in being a narcissist. Just as I suspected.

I find hard to follow the content … maybe organize more .. maybe this is just how your mind works… wishing you love ❤️ my friend

"28 Vinde a mim, todos os que estais cansados e oprimidos, e eu vos aliviarei. 29 Tomai sobre vós o meu jugo, e aprendei de mim, que sou manso e humilde de coração, e encontrareis descanso para a vossa alma. 30 Porque o meu jugo é suave, e o meu fardo é leve." Mateus 11

You have a suspiciously high level of self-reflection for someone with NPD….

Since ikaw ang narcissist, gusto mo kaming magkahiwalay na mag asawa. Matagal ka ng may paghahangad. Dami ko ebidensiya . At ilalabas ko ito. Malapit na malapit na. Malapit na. ........

Try to touch your hair and neck less if you can. It is distracting.

I never not relate to any of your videos. I almost spit out my drink when you said you’re the best narcissist. My friends call me the World’s Greatest Narcissist and I’ve joked many times about opening up a training academy for ethical narcissism. I’ve found a way to get all of my needs met by being completely honest and not hurting anyone. I always make sure it’s mutually beneficial. I do agree with what you said about recovery too. I’m pretty sure I did that intuitively and that’s why I never qualified for an actual diagnosis.

Love your word choice and stream of consciousness Sir. Stay At. TY. 🔥🔥🎯🎯✅💯🌹🫶🏼

You have a handsome voice