What to do when your partner is depressed - Esther Perel 

Depression can be expressed as irritability and anger - thats hard to just be around without reacting yourself.

This resonates tremendously. My partner is going through a serious depression over work and career. While they express a genuine desire to not bring me (and the relationship) down with the ship, there is still this “parallel experience” that inevitably forms. I had been thinking of that recently, but you helped me put it into words. Sort of like trying to save a drowning person, it’s easy to get pulled under. When you love someone, it’s such a fragile balance between keeping your partner safe while also keeping yourself safe.

Don’t get ‘ angry at the power of the powerless’ - something to keep front of mind when living with a partner prone to periods of depression. Wise woman Esther.

Do not become Angry at the power of the powerless for not doing what you tell them to do. Wow. Great Advice.

You can be supportive emotionally, say you are there. But you don't have to be a sponge for all their problems. Remember their vitality is broken, so you can't do things for them. Instead, be present with what they are feeling in that moment, don't tell them to feel better, but follow with I understand that (their words reworded) and suggest they get professional help. Don't become their life managers. Saying this as someone who has been depressed before. Emotional support, not life advice.

And take good care of yourself. Don't dive into the depression with your partner. Talk to good friends about how you feel. If you are happy, don't hide it, you have the right to be yourself in your own house, just like your partner. Take a walk to breath fresh air. Love your partner and yourself and be present! I remember my partner said: "Why do you sing while I am depressed?" We both have the right to express what we feel. After the depression my partner told me she was glad that I stayed stable and happy in that period. She could be herself and I could be myself. Keep on breathing...

its not easy helping a depressed person

Be Present. Encourage them to seek help. Tell them they will come out of this.

Great advice, thank you! On a practical note, I believe you also need to prioritise taking good care of your own needs by doing activities you like and spending time with friends who are not depressed. Being with a depressed partner can easily drain you emotionally- you need to keep recharging your own batteries in order to not get depressed yourself.

Wow, that was the EXACT process i went through when i tried to help my last partner through things

You're the reason I still have a connection to my partner Esther. It's not multifaceted. It's you alone. Thank you for arming me.

i’m gonna be honest. i’ve been in this cycle for a couple weeks and i just didn’t know what to do. this video explained exactly how i was feeling and it helped me figure out what to do within 4 minutes. that’s crazy. thank you thank you

Thank you, Esther, for your insight and eloquence! I have been the depressed one and the partner trying to lift up the depressed one. Your description of the parallel process that occurs when we try too hard to “fix” someone is so right on. I love how you think. 💕💕💕

I think the tension and frustration in a romantic relationship where one person regularly has depression comes from one partner feeling like they are carrying much of the weight alone. If someone is both in a relationship (maybe even has a family) and also has depression, they have to seek professional help and allow their partner to be emotionally supportive. I apologise for the analogy but it's kind of like alcoholics or drug addicts - they have a disease they feel powerless against, but if they show the desire to fight it, the partner also then feels the desire to stand by your side. But if you stand by someone's side, while they're going through something and not allowing anyone to help, and then you're left with all the weight of the practical life, then it can definitely get frustrating, painful and exhausting.

"Angry at the power of the Powerless"!!! Love that Esther!!!

Thank you for this, Esther. It's what I've been feeling lately when talking with my SO. She's clinically depressed and what you described is exactly what I am going through. It helps hearing it summed up in brief.

Excellent advice ! I say this while I myself am the depressed one.. I do need dear people close but not to choke me. Also, I do feel better seeing others caring for me, but I cannot snap out of it just like that. I need time, during which I very slowly get better, but it doesn't show on the outside as much. Having someone near is a great help, only one should not get hasty or angry as you said!

This is helpful. I’ve been going through a hard time emotionally for months and finally opened up to my partner about it a few days ago. He was so surprised because I’ve been happy and smiling. I explained that I didn’t want to burden him and was hoping that I would work things out myself. Speaking to him has been helpful, whilst he doesn’t have the answers, he is a great listener.

I am so thankful I found this. Knowing that how I feel, what I do is a common thing in many relationships and learning how to still help without drowning myself is a huge relief. Thank you so much.🙌

Absolutely true... I have been on this path and realized how futile my Helpful and incessant pleads were. Resentment and parallel depression was the result and that was killing our relationship...🥰 All I had to do is stand there in love, support and empathy and free myself from being entrapped.. thank you

Esther you’ve explained this cycle so perfectly…. It all makes sense 100% Thank you

Great and simple advice. Thank you! And above all else, do not tell a depressed person to get over themselves; just snap out of it; or, “smile”! I know, because I have struggled with depression, and have been told these things before.

Thank you, from those who needed to hear this today

Great piece of wisdom as always. In my experience both as the depressed and as the other, we all have to go through these by ourselves. The other people can provide some guidance but they can't "lift" or "fix" us. The depression is there, it has it's own cause and it will go away eventually once we process what we need to process. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to be there for your partner, to be a stable and calm presence, to help them keep afloat, take care of the practicalities to make sure they have everything they need to go through it (food, cleaning, etc.) and of course be a source of sanity for the acute moments. This means you also have to take care of yourself and make sure you get what you need to stay strong. In my experience this is the best help one can offer. It means above all that you trust their ability to go through it by themselves which is very important, especially in those moments when they even doubt it themselves.

OH MY GOD this made me feel so understood and so validated. The guilt and helplessness is BIG for me because growing up i was my mothers emotional caretaker, she pit all her problems on me and expected me to solve them. So thats my natural response now is to try to fix it, or i feel worthless, like i am failing in my only purpose in life. Thank you for this video. My only complaint is that it wasnt longer! You have so much wisdom.

This is altogether great advice and I'd like to emphasise the 'tell them they have not always been like this'. Still after years I remember my best friend telling me how, no, I was not always sad, closed and scared and that it will come back, and I still remember my family member telling me I'd been a cheerful child. It elevated some of my panick and gave me this light of hope, was really, really precious. I hope it's clear it was not a complain or a fight, it was a reality check for a very desperate person.

The power of the powerless 🤯👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 Mindblowing concept! I needed to hear those words. I’ve been going through such a situation with a family member... and in 2 minutes Esther just brought clarity to a lot of confusion. Merci!

As a sufferor of severe chronic depression I can say this advice is spot on.

You should tell the future. This is what I need the most !!! Thank You !!

That ending was a big punch in the gut. Thank you. Last words were thought provoking

I can't thank you enough for sharing this knowledge. I've been in a situation like this and I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do and why most of my attempts to find a way to help my partner failed. And it's as simple as you explained: You're not the one who can fix them, yet you can be there to remind them they're loved and important, encouraging them to seek professional help and not give up. Once again, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Thank to you, finally I changed, also my perspective changed about my relationship. I thought before me and my husband had bad comunication, bad relationship and i had to accept that. Now I realize, I had unpractical and impossible expectations about myself, my husband and our relatioship. Also my depression has gone now and I'm ready to begin a new relationship with all my milieu. Love you

Thank you! Finally a video that says it like it is and offers a solution to help the non depressed person from drowning. 🙏

That’s good. The statement of simple but not simple makes sense. I see how easy it is to try to fix something one isn’t meant to fix. Be present, encouraging.

Thank you Esther. You described so much familiarity there. We, I, appreciate you.

This is absolutely the most concise, actionable advice I could have received at this moment. 💯👍

This woman is the smartest person I've ever encountered. I wish she could be my therapist. Wow, I gain such insight from your videos! Thank you!

This was both the shortest and best way for me to hear what I needed. Thank you

That's actually good advice. I'd add that from the depressed person perspective; the impression (real or perceived) of dragging loved ones with them only feed the depression. It may lead to deliberate isolation and break-ups as an attempt to spare their loved ones.

Ugh, I’ve needed this for two years! Thank you

Dr Perel, I am so grateful that someone like you exists. Always realistic and helpful. Thank you

As I totter towards the incredible age of 60, having suffered with depression my whole life, I would give an arm for a partner who would just stand by me. I know enough now to realise that they must have their own life & interests, there must be times when they can get away from me (especially when I'm in the pit), to get out and have some fun without guilt. If someone would make sure I have some simple easily digestible food before they leave, and then when they come back. I promise that when I climb out again (and I will) I'll want you to share what you've been doing, be happy for your triumphs and commiserate on your losses. One of the things I like best about myself is that I can express happiness for the happiness of others. Even if I don't actually feel it at the time, I can say "I'm so happy for you, I'm glad life is going well for you."

I used to listen to this amazing person last 2 months too much when I was about to start relationship, now I don't feel like I need to since I've choosed to stay alone 😶

Thank you Esther. I think this is something I'm going to try in business also, with my clients, students and mentees. Your advice is always so powerful and creates positive change in my life, thank you

Great advice! I'd love a practical example of what that kind of support looks like.. I struggling with not getting trapped into the back and forth feeling of helplessness and suggestions not being acted on.

Hi Esther, what a great response to this question. As someone that is experiencing depression now I thank you. I'm doing my best to overcome this in time, but I know its been hard on everyone that cared about me and tried to help me. Notice I said past-tense as in "cared" and "tried". Those loved ones are no longer part of my life because relationships often suffer when there's chronic illness over a significant period of time. People lose patience, and all the things you mentioned. There are not enough supports available it seems and then too much pressure is put on our loved ones in terms of supporting us, but they're not trained to help and sympathy only goes so far. Compassion is where its at, but the problem is that many of us have forgotten how to cultivate compassion within ourselves first so that we can offer it to others. Depression is not a choice but some of us that are living with it often feel like we get blamed for choosing depression, maybe because we don't recover on someone else's timeline (or even our own timeline). And its an isolating time in one's life, which is a time when they might most need the right kind of support. It's complicated, like Esther said. Thanks again for this video Esther:)

Wow, I’m literally crying right now, it’s like she knows exactly how I’m feeling right now 😢, thank you

Exactly how I am feeling right now just wish there was more understanding people like yourself.

So so good advice, the last thing i want when i am depressed is someone judging me, blaming me, trying to make me do stuff, giving advice. It just creates so much more tension. I feel like i need space, to get myself out of that, myself, because when i achieve something myself i feel empowered, even when it's a little day to day stuff. And i need the presence and understanding from my partner, encouragement would be great, but my partner is just not there right now. Took me some time to figure out what i need when i am depressed, now i am trying to teach my partner what to do. It is a journey, but it will get better over time.

Genius woman. You are etched in history! I love the way you deliver messages about relationships. It's so refreshing!

Thankyou so much , its hard atm I'm in a long distance relationship and I was getting ready to move over when she opened up to me about some personal family issues and I understand and respect her boundaries, I needed this video thankyou so much

Being emotionally present is all you need to do. That’s a lot

I hugging him and talk to him and I tell him don't worry heart tomorrow will be okey problem it is the part of our life . cheer up heart..

Wow, its like Esther has met me and read my emotions. Thanks for your advice as I am stuck in this dance with someone I am dating

As always, you are so exact and precise with your words. Thank you for another great piece of advice and wise words

Wow. So amazing. You explain things so well! Thank you.

Yes very good advice, and it require a lot of strenght and decipline to carry out. Boundaries is key, but to my limited experience people with depression sometimes really whant's you to be a loyal companion and they see it as a act of love if you also get depressed together with them. I found depression difficult, because it is not just one person beeing extreamly low. Sometimes that person uses this "power of weakness" to controll you, more or less consious. For me it was a que to get out. That is toxic and destructive especially if the person not is seaking professional help.

Again just right to the point! Thank you❤️

Wow. It is the same that is happening to me. I do feel helpless. It is exactly the same you saying. I tried to tell him to go for help and I feel like saying that it is a offense. And it is taking a lot of my energy. One day is good. Next day it is bad. One day can love me. Next day saying the our relations it is what bringing him down because of distance. It’s been like that 4 years. Thank you for your video. It explained how I am feeling.

I told him tht im always be bside him that we love him,and we cn move forward tht if other people can ,so he can too.That he can express himself and solve the problem 1 step forward abd we seek for professional help.And no matter what i wont leave him and will gonna solve it together and look forward for our future ahead..

It's a beautiful advise Esther. Thank you.

What a great teaching ! Thank you very much .

Thank you Esther for your efforts to assist others. Everything you discuss can be summed up easily. Humans are very Selfish & Petty. Humans need to discover TRUE CHARITY for each other. Especially Couples or Married Couples. With TRUE CHARITY the Pettiness is Eliminated and BLISS is Discovered. I have been married to the same wonderful person for 50 years. And we overcame being PETTY. We Care About each other and TOGETHER we overcome all Obstacles. I am in LOVE with the same 18 year old person I married 50 years ago. And as you have mentioned in many of your videos; when the Going Gets Tough, WE Overcome with SPONTANEOUS TENDERNESS. Thank You again for your efforts to assist other find HAPPINESS in their Relationships.

We love you Esther!!! Hugs from the Netherlands

Thank you. Your tip makes a lot of sense. I will do this.

Thank you so so much for this message!

Holy crap! Talk about hitting the nail on the head!

Wowwww... I don't usually comment on RU-vid videos. However this short 2 minute video summarised everything so well. Thank you so much ❤️👌

Ester ALWAYS on point 💯

Man i love her so much not helping her in this situation literally breaks me i feel helpless

Thank you so much. That was incredibly helpful.

love it, thanks so precise about what I felt

This is the best advice that I found. Thanks so much I wish someone told me this when I was growing up around mental illness. I also would suggest going to codependency groups which help a lot to break the pattern 😊

Great, needed this advice 18 months ago. Now I have become exhausted and resentful. But maybe it's not too late to change behaviour.

This hit home... thanks

Wow - exactly - amazing - thank you

What I was looking for! Wow! It felt like you were talking from my mind!

Short and brilliant. Thank you.

I listened to it twice. I went exactly through this. But I am not sure if I have what it takes to be the right partner for a person in depression. It sucks the energy. Not that I am perfect either.

I wish I was reminded of this before things have becom tricky between us due to his depression....

Thank you for your words

I love her thoughts. She's more beautiful & graceful everytime I see her in a video. I'm glad she used her own experience here. 💪 Here's my thoughts. Being in a melechony state isn't wrong to go through from time to time. It's just an undesirable feeling of doom that's can feel bothersome within that particular season. But it's a two sided coin that most of humanity will experience. I believe the peaks & valleys are required to keep us relatable to others. No one's exempt. Surrending to what's needed in that particular state will yield results. Look back and reflect. Win. Win. Purpose. ;)

Wow Esther ❤you are so insightful. Thank you 🙏🏻

Wow, now i know how my partner feels

I had a friendship like this in college. The girl had a slew of issues including depression and low self-esteem. She often allowed men to take advantage of her in hopes they would end up with feelings for her. Instead, she would come out more hurt and damaged. Ultimately, I would be the one picking up the pieces (or trying... or so it felt like...). Personality- wise, we were polar opposites. I was focused on school first, then friends, and never boys or partying etc. I couldn't understand why she was purposely hurting herself and I kept suggesting her things to do. She would mostly just take my advice and be like "thats stupid it wont work". I started to get frustrated that she would keep complaining about the same thing while continuing the same patterns and not listening to anything I said. The relationship quickly took on a very negative role in my life at the time. I would feel helpless over her state, while simultaneously angry that she refused to do anything about it or at least take my help. I also felt like she only reached out to me when shit hit the fan. I was not the fun friend to hang and spend time with anymore. I was the responsible one who fixed shit. While I didn't mind being in that role, I resented how it made me feel. I remember one day she said "You're mean to me but its okay because I love you". I was so shocked by how fucked up that statement was. I said, "if you really believe that then I don't give a fuck if that person is me, you shouldn't be with them". Whether she was right or wrong, I always ended up feeling like a terrible person when I was with her. Even after that day, the "friendship" continued on and off for another 2 years. I knew one day we would no longer be friends so I remember always telling her, "Even if we are no longer friends one day, I want you to know that if you need help you can always call me. I will be there for you". At this point, we haven't spoken in a few years and while it still hurts I know its probably for the best.

I absolutely agree!!

You can't save people only they can save themselves. Your urge to change them is because of your own discomfort and compulsion to manipulate the situation to your liking. Take them as they are and sit there with reality don't try to manipulate it. Say a few things carefully but leave it at that. You cannot change or save other people it is their journey and their life.

That was amazing thank you

Damn that was powerful. Thank you.

Wow this is exactly how I feel

Merci. C’est vraiment ça

Love this.

and then, you hear from them "Where were you when I was struggling? Just get lost!"

thank you for this!

Sometimes I feel some "depressed" like to see how others are struggling to help and suggest stuff just to see you come down form your high horse! It took me long time to realize that I try to help because I hate to see them sad, and they hated to see me happy....

Best advice 🙌🏻❤️

Thankyou Esther Perel😊❤️🙏🙏🙏

Thank you!

Just watched your video. I was overwhelmed. Keep it up! Your are doing a great job!!

Omg yes thank you for this video