Three Types of Relationship Fights - And What To Do About Them 

"The first thing to understand is your reactivity, not the wrongdoing of the other person." WOW! 🤯💎✍🏿📝

The “change your brand” thing is so true. I first realized it on my own once I came to terms with the fact that my getting reactive was pushing my partner away when the underlying reason I was upset was because I was insecure and craving more intimacy. Changing my reaction made him appreciate me more and brought us closer than my being bitter ever would’ve.

Worth watching the whole thing but here’s a summary of the 3: (1) We fight over power and control. (2) We fight over care, closeness, and trust. (3) We fight over respect and recognition.

In first grade at my elementary school the counselor used to come by each class room once or twice a week. I remember one of the lessons we learned from her was always to try to use "I" statements when addressing conflicts. "I feel x when you do x." It's something that's stuck with me through the years and that most of the time has served me well when I've implemented it. This advice reminds me of that. :)

This is our go to video with my partner whenever we feel like we are in a loop or at an impasse. It's a reminder to look inward for both of us and in 6 minutes, I feel the emotional flooding reducing. With practice we'll become better communicators and resolve our conflicts better.

I feel like you can use "I" statements to describe how another person's behavior affects you, but you cannot always make them emotionally available enough to hold an unbiased space for your truth, let alone get them to alter their behavior. No matter how you choose to phrase it, people, especially those with low self esteem, tend to blame themselves. Even if you don't say, "you", they often still hear it because that's what their subconscious mind is looking for (confirmation bias). Then, it turns into an defensive argument about who hurts the other more. This is why I've stopped setting external boundaries and instead set them internally. I stopped interpreting what other people are doing as disrespectful and instead meet whatever needs I feel are lacking, myself or through another person. That person will sense you pulling your energy away and will pursue you more. I change how I'm showing up in the relationship, and therefore the relationship changes. Most of the time, when I'm feeling bad about the other person's behavior, it's because of the meaning or interpretation I am assigning to their actions based on my own past trauma or self limiting beliefs. Telling people what to do, even if it's about your POV, feelings, needs, etc, is never enough to create lasting behavior change. Because there is no vested interest; why should someone else change how they operate because you don't like it? Behavioral conditioning requires a worthy motivator. And when times get tough, they will probably revert back to their old habits and programming, and you'll get hurt again because you are still interpreting their actions the same way. So at some point you have to learn to not take other people's actions personally. This does NOT mean tolerate abuse. Good luck if your goal is to make someone else conform to your needs. Behavioral change happens when the individual THEMSELVES comes to a realization about how their actions are hurting THEM. Humans are truly self-centered in that regard. Due to the mirror principle, it's never really necessary to set verbal, external expectations. Albeit sometimes more challenging, the faster way to resolve painful feelings and conflict is through self-examination and healing.

Please make more videos, Esther. We wait months before heading from you and your information is so valuable and so needed.

Love this! Would love part 2- how to address those things and “change the script”

I’ve been married for seven years and lately all we do is fight even for small things. We are both good people and love each other. Double income, no kids, we should enjoy life, right? Sometimes it feels like love is not enough. Two strong, opinionated, stubborn people ughh! Hope you all find partners who get you, listen to you, and are willing to be your ally and best friend. Watch those first fights in the beginning of the relationship. That will be all you argue about for the rest of your life. Also, dive into your past traumas and check if your partner is an antidote or throws more fire on them. I love you Esther, you speak truths. I wish you gave us couples therapy :( so needed right now. Best!

We expect so much more from a partner. It is true. When I broke up w this man. He was kind to others. But he was so mean and reactive to me all day. I said. I don’t even think you like me as a friend!!

I planned a 1-week road trip, looking for the best deals in rental car, lodging, and flight. I told the then bf the flight he should book. He booked the next flight. I was livid and seething inside. The last day of the trip I let my frustration out because I realized that there’s no WE. We broke up for good soon after the trip. I don’t argue, get angry, or lose temper until the end. When I did lose it, I was ready to walk out for good. I also have never dated any guy who loses temper easily or argumentative. I don’t attract guys like that. In a way it isn’t good because nothing was said until before we called quits.

A wellspring of resonant insights. Also: the light in this clip is glorious! That is one vibrant, gorgeous plant!✨

I feel invisible. I hate feeling ignored, because I feel invisible, disrespected, tiny. Good video, thank you, good to see it.

Marshall’s work profoundly changed my life. trained 15 years ago and not a day goes by that his teachings are not appreciated or used to make my life better. grateful for your wise application.

love this. thank you ❤

Watching from Zimbabwe.... thank you

Thank you!

Thank you Esther

Great analysis...!!!!👏👏👏👏🙏

you are such an inspiration to me! thank you for the amazing vídeo. lots of love from Brazil!

Incredibly Profound, by addressing XYZ…. To look within Ourselves as to what’s really at the heart of our issue…We look beyond the Surface, we can change ourselves only creates an opening for a New Story, this is Brilliant Insight…Esther You’ve Such Beautiful Gift to Articulate and Convey with Compassion, You’re a Blessing Very Grateful 🙏

This was helpful, thank you 💙

excellent analysis. Wish everyone in high school are taught these things....

Mind blown. This is so good, so useful! In gratitude.

Love her!!! So much insight and practical wisdom every time she shares!!!

Love you Esther. 😇🙏 so powerful, concise, and efficient. I feel sane when i hear you. I feel that's exactly it and i'm not crazy 😌

whew this was so good, genius

Excellent and thank you.😀

This is everything. Praise this woman! I need more of your teacher's teachings, like the x,y,z thing ❤

Amazing 👏 spot on

Excellent, thank you 🙏🏻🌹✨🙏🏻

This is so true!! So deep!!! My other half not into watching these kind of videos to understand why we act this way.

This is very valuable 🥰.

Me and my husband married while living in a long distance relationship. I made him move to where I am. I am the main provider for me and kids. He doesn’t like my first born. We have been fighting over petty things over and over .and the other day while on the phone and we argue over something petty he said he’s tired and i said me too he took that personal and hung up the phone. I called him back multiple time but no response in my rage i told him in a msg that what he’s doing will lead to divorce. It’s been 5 days he’s not reached out to me and the kids, neither have i. I don’t know how i feel about this. This is my 2nd marriage and i dont want to start over again. But i have made the decision not to reach out to him until he does. If anything i am the one with the kids he should atleast check on the kids even if he’s mad at me. I am drained

Esther why u have to go and talk to my soul like that!!! 🤯wow.

So true!!!❤

I feel like I need to listen it weekly)

A woman of hope and love and peace… if only I wasn’t the only one in my relationship who learned from all this…

Life throws challenges at you every day. It is how you respond that will make you or break you. Every decision based on emotion will fail! Maybe in an hour, a day, or a year, but if the decision was made based on emotion and not logic and facts, it will fail.

What’s the difference between an intense fight in a loving and healthy relationship vs jabbing fight in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Thank you for your work and for putting out so many videos and resources. I'm curious what your experience is and others when one partner feels that the desire, spark, and romance that was once there at the beginning can't be rekindled but the other partner feels very strongly that with nourishment, action and change that the desire can be brought back? Can one person work on the relationship on their own while the other is not hopeful or is actively wanting to pursue separation? What resources might you have available Esther for this situation? Thanks!

No attention / affection / validation / time / sex leads to NOT loving the other . I found those type of people not just selfish but ABUSIVE! Who wants to be in a relationship where you are always Nr 500 ? You better off being on your own and be much happier .

When you faught for those things, all of three figths, and you lost them all, then the relationship is dead.

Great

As I scroll through comments I see mostly women 😢 we need more men to watch these videos and learn - it’s a partnership - both doing the proactive work to learn not just us women

Lot's of ❤ from India

Mind blown, how do you know exactly what happens!?

Yeassssss!!!!!!! 💚💚💚💚💚

Beautiful work✨👏 Check your core values before your first kiss💋

When you do X, in situation Y, I feel Z

Could the fight be combination all 3?

❤️

What happens when you don’t fight. I been with my wife for 6 years and we haven’t fought once

❤❤❤

1000%

Nie mogę się skupić przez te rurki na ścianie 😅

...des fois, comme maintenant, je regrette que mon niveau d anglais ne soit pas plus précis... Je vais la repasser... Merci car vos transmissions sont inestimables.

I think God nerf'd you too🤗 you are freaking awesome 🫶 Sorry to hear about your grandfather 😔 that is sad news.

Love to Esther from India ❤❤❤

Esther, how about if I erase my old comment and go with this one. In the Esther-Bill Maher interview we've covered already. If I were Bill Maher and had determined, no it's not crazy. The obstacles, the triangulation. No, it's not crazy. But in Esther's heart of hearts, and if I'm not mistaken, Bill actually discovered with you on his show? At the heart of hearts as he saw you that day was the desire to be ravished by lovingly having your gorgeous blond hair brushed. Now, let's add another element. Suppose Bill admits he's not so good at this brushing. It doesn't come naturally. And also, let's say, you can picture in your mind just the right strokes and just the right touch, but you are really lousy at communicating. I don't know, maybe it's been one of those days. And poor Bill, to try to measure up, well he allows other women to enter his thoughts, right there in front of you, while brushing your hair. But let's say he is truly a lover and not an ass-hole in disguise and the thing you feel, really, is better brushing. Loving brushing. Not a lie, not a betrayal, not the thought police? Shouldn't you have said something when Bill called that sick? You cannot force these questions on our parent's generation. So I'm asking you to notice me Esther, when you get the chance to take a break.

I follow you à long time ago now and I appreciate a lot you advice but today I have a small question who that has nothing to do with this video , do you have a tattoo on you right hand or you hurt yourself ?

🤍🤍🤍

Anticipatory Regulation... Not reacting, preacting.... All mammalian brains at least. The core task of all brains is to regulate the organisms internal milieu by anticipating needs and preparing to satisfy them before they arrive. Anticipatory Regulation. Principals of Neural Design.

You are like louie's girlfriend