What Your Parents Made You Do for Love…

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Every parent offers their child one of three possible answers to the question ‘what do I need to be loved?’ This answer will shape not just their earliest years, but the course of their adult lives.
FURTHER READING
You can read more on this and other subjects here: bit.ly/41PS8F3
“The moment babies are born, their minds are dominated by a powerful implicit question: What do I need to do in order to be loved? We have to remember that babies are entirely at the mercy of the prevailing environment, and therefore, knowing what exactly the people in this environment want from them in exchange for keeping them alive is central to their very survival. Furthermore, how the question is answered will shape their entire personality and sense of adult priorities; who we are is predominantly the result of what we needed to do to capture and sustain the interest of the people who put us on the earth…”
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Produced in collaboration with:
Léon Moh-Cah
Na Na Na Studio
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Title animation produced in collaboration with
Graeme Probert
www.gpmotion.co.uk

Опубликовано:

7 авг 2024

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Комментарии : 439

@user-nm6dr4uy3d Год назад

I feel like most parents see their child as an extension of themselves. Should the child do something silly, rude or reckless, they see that as a reflection of themselves as parents and people. Allowing another person to make their own mistakes takes a cool-headed and forgiving attitude.

@erinsuzy613 Год назад

Unfortunately society does this too. Look at how people react when someone goes to prison, shoots up a school or even wins awards. They always examine the parental impact. We hear family members say things like "I always knew he'd have issues", or "the apple didn't fall far from THAT tree"

@MusiicRoolz Год назад

@@erinsuzy613 because family trauma is real. it's not true all the time that it's the parents fault but it's not some urban myth, obviously whatever the parent does, positive or negative, it will shape the world of the child

@gothicwitch_9993 Год назад

It is true that parents see their children as an extension. I'm a parent of two boys and I try not to see my sons as an extension of myself or of my husband as I have seen so many parents make their children an extension of themselves. So for my boys, All I want is for them to be safe, happy young men later in life. My oldest son has a major speech delay. He may have autism or ADHD (as I have ADHD) but we're helping him with it and trying to get him diagnosed. Well.. his extended family deems him as a very beautiful looking boy but not intelligent because of his delay and asked me if I feel disappointed or upset about it. To which I said "I don't care to much about how smart they are or how good looking they are. All I care about is that they're happy and good hearted men in this life."

@snakesandpsychology 5 месяцев назад

Yes! My mum's version of this was to tell me repeatedly that I would look so much better if I lost half a stone. It took me ages to realise that she was saying this to herself... except in real life she WAS actually saying this to me, which obviously did plenty of damage. It takes a secure, well-integrated parent to let their children be who they are. Mine, sadly, were not.

@zzz4baby 2 месяца назад

That's a really interesting perspective! It's true that parents often feel a strong sense of responsibility for their children's actions. It can be challenging for them to strike a balance between protecting their child and allowing them to learn from their own experiences. Communication and understanding are key in navigating these complex dynamics. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

@zharkoo Год назад

Everyone damaged by their parents need to watch this video once or twice a week as a self healing therapy.

@rickyyo215 Год назад

Lol, true story.

@KoolT Год назад

That's about 85 percent of us😂

@Rick_Dunaway Год назад

here is a good one Kevin Smith did recently ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-JBvc7Ny4iUk.html

@iamwhoyousayiam6773 Год назад

Everyone is traumatized by what their parents did and didn't do. Everyone's parents were too.

@WarDuke08 Год назад

Not just this but every video in this parent series

@ElizabethJones-pv3sj Год назад

I've met several parents who have identified the flaws in their parents' approach to parenting and are breaking the cycle to make sure their kids are valued for who they are not what they do. I have utmost respect for those people who work on themselves so they don't screw up their kids (too much).

@katyadade1041 Год назад

That’s so good there’s the internet around for those who wish to bring up more psychologically healthy children. I believe, trying to make up for the mistakes of your parents with your own child is a story as old as time, but one doesn’t always know how. Like my mother was gentle and affectionate towards me as opposed to her own mom, but she didn’t know how to deal with control issues and the feeling of helplessness when she can’t control everything and messed me up badly anyway. The availability of knowledge would have helped a lot. But I am still baffled by young parents that don’t research healthy parenting now.

@zzz4baby 2 месяца назад

That's so inspiring to hear! Breaking the cycle of toxic parenting and working on yourself to be a better parent is truly commendable. Your kids are lucky to have you! Keep up the great work! 🌟 #ParentingGoals #SelfImprovement

@vebdaklu Год назад

I had the strangest combination of the last two - my parents, mother especially, always pushed me to be the best at any academic skill and would get boiling mad if I had any blemish on my record. However, they also made even the tiniest faults or goofs I made public knowledge and attracted ridicule on me. My most recent example of this would be - I finished my phd, and my mother told me that a cousin called to congratulate her and tell her she should be proud; she made sure to tell me to my face that she doesn't think there is anything there to be proud of, because there are people with less school who make more money. Also, I was told to steer clear of girls at all costs since they would impact my academic success...but when my formal education was over, a big objection to me as a man was why I still don't have children. Basically, I was set up to fail from the start. Thank heavens for therapy.

@csepke2 Год назад

That’s so f@cked up. Your mother definitely needs to see a therapist about her deep insecurities. And I’m happy for the fact that therapy is helping you heal from all of this.

@samirakhaliq5512 Год назад

My narcissistic mother is exactly the same.....she repeatedly tells me that doing a PhD means nothing.....and that I am a complete failure becuz I am single......whereas when I was younger...she constantly pushed me to pursue education/career.....basically I could be an astronaut or a noble prize winner and she will still find a way to humiliate and disgrace me......she really enjoys seeing me fail and in depression....

@LindaMarci Год назад

Ahh, that'so so sad - but clearly your mother (and father) has issues, not you. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Not your fault at all. Use your talents and skills to buid a better life for yourself ans pull back from your parents, on and congratulations on geting your PhD!!

@smithrr6 Год назад

Sounds a lot like a toxic and possessive mother to me. She arguably keeps you tripped up and on your toes because as long as you are confused, she can control you. If you set up your life with strong foundational goals and security and planning for the future, she wont have control over you. You also need to recognize the difference between what is malicious and what is truly encouraging and helpful. It appears that your mother does not want you becoming a strong young man that lives life on his own by his own rules and also no longer needs the approval of his mother. A young man that has a bright future ahead of him and has the life skills to take on life challenges but can also recognize the truth from lies is a very attractive young man to young women that would court with you for a relationship. Your mother does not want this happening, so she sabotages you and confuses you so that you can remain hers and not have a future wife. She wants her son all to herself, which in my opinion only terrible mothers do this to their sons. Good mothers want their sons to become productive in society and develop life skills so that they can go out in the world and attract young women to become their wives and have a family with the intent to make GRAND CHILDREN!!!. This is what a mother should want, not sabotage the future family of their sons for their own loneliness as they age. In my opinion this is what your mom is doing. She is sabotaging your future so that you cant truly "cut the cord" and start your own family, because once you start your own family, she will no longer have influence over you and spend much less time with you. your future wife will get all of your time as her husband. Your mother can not handle that kind of competition over her "possession". ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-kRwl6LWjsQo.html

@vebdaklu Год назад

@@samirakhaliq5512 I am very sorry to hear that. I hope you find a way to heal yourself, or even better, with someone who understands you and doesn't judge you. I am blessed to have plenty of those kinds of people now, and I do therapy. It helps to keep in mind that the opinion of your mother is just an opinion, and everyone has the right to a wrong opinion. :)

@kingdomsofrain2705 Год назад

I do not know how to describe in words my gratefulness and love for all the people behind this channel. School of life has saved my life .

@katee8147 Год назад

Well said

@kashish6677 Год назад

yeah it is day 1 ... i feel alright instead of going back to that something im not

@PrimaDewi Год назад

I don't wanna have kids, i just want me baby version to be cared by me, to be loved by me, to be calmed by me.

@mcjs8640 Год назад

My mother gave me wonderful, unconditional, nuturing love. My father gave me emotional neglect and emotional abuse. I have Complex PTSD from that, but I am working on it.

@csepke2 Год назад

Same and same ❤

@1unsung971 Год назад

Good to get a diagnosis? Where I live, we don't have PTSD, just pain and resentment.

@abbykoop5363 Год назад

You were very fortunate to have one loving parent. 🙂

@stephanelima7413 Год назад

Same here, but God gave me the grace to understand that I love being the person I've become and the family I've built. I wouldn't be the same without having gone through what I went through, so I truly forgave my father and move on with my life in peace.

@Deeplycloseted435 Год назад

The number one thing that made me accept my parents for who they were/are, was becoming a parent myself. You quickly realize that you are winging it a bit, so they must have as well. You quickly realize that you do your best as a parent, but make mistakes sometimes. One day it hits you that your parents were once immature and occasionally irresponsible young adults, when they had you. Suddenly the standard, to which my teenage and young adult self held my parents to, changed dramatically. This continues for YEARS. As your child grows, you also grow, and your perception changes. My parents weren’t perfect. Sometimes my father may have said something unkind. My mother gave me an unhealthy idealized view of the world. Father’s drinking was often a problem, but so was mom’s reaction to it. You know what they have been perfect with though? When the shiz really hit the fan in my life, they were/are there. Whether listening to me whine on the phone, or showing up to a family court date for support....they demonstrate their love. It gives me some relief, knowing that when I don’t know what to do, or how to help my child, I can’t go wrong, by simply loving them. THAT is success, as a parent for me.

@FathimaMuhsina Год назад

THIS!!! If I could like this comment a 1000 times I would!

@user-wu7oj2oj4b Год назад

🫡🧡💪🏽✅

@ericledet80 Год назад

You have quite the way with words, Doodoo Poop.

@tracik1277 Год назад

I do agree from my own experience. But you also learn from your parents and how they raised you. For instance, I learned you should not beat your toddler for having a bad dream or being sick and that you should not disparage, humiliate or crush their soul at every available opportunity.

@HeirApparent1991 Год назад

Thank you for this comment. I feel like it mirrors my own experience

@abnoco Год назад

In 2nd grade, the teacher and a few of us students had an aside impromptu discussion. “Your parents love you,” she said to us. In my heart, I knew mine didn’t.

@csepke2 Год назад

I get what the teacher was saying, because in many cases the mistakes of parents come from being inexperienced, but still love their children very much(they also just go by what they have seen their parents do many times, which wasn’t always the right thing to do). But unfortunately there truly are parents who did not want a child, but ended up with one anyway, and they can’t feel love for them but feel resentment instead. Which is not the child’s fault. A baby is never at fault for existing. You were not unlovable. It was a lack on your parents part. This is why I love inner child work. You can be the “parent” of your child self, and show it the love your parents failed to give. There is very little, if nothing, we can do to change our parents’ behavior, but we can always get even better love from many other places.

@blowitoutyourcunt7675 Год назад

I had a teacher do something similar to our class in third grade and insisting our parents loved us, I think the absolute puzzled and gobsmacked look I gave her is why she held me back for recess that day and had a chat with me. She was the first adult to see and verbalize what I couldn't, that everything wasn't okay at home, sometimes our parents best just isn't enough and to remember that school is mostly a safe place and that teachers can be substitute parents. If not for the loving guidance of many teachers over many years in school, I would have turned out to be a very closed off, violent human being who lacked empathy tolerance and understanding for myself and others. The empathy training that many teachers unknowingly gave me led me down a career path of being a professional Nanny who study Early Childhood Development and Psychology. Not only to re-parent myself but do make sure I was going forward with all the right knowledge and tools to professionally raise toddlers into empathetic human beings. To all the teachers out there, thank you!!!

@artifundio1 Год назад

As a former child in the third category, this video could have saved me years of rumination and overthinking. I finally got to this conclussion (about my parents) on my own, but I never had validation from others, and as a person without naturally acquired self esteem o confidence is hard to move on without validation. I mean, I considered that "I rested my case" on this just by my mid 30's. When the inner compass is that broken, self doubt will make any advancement in the healing journey MUCH slower. I am very happy that this is available for many others coming to terms with their upbringing. For me this knowledge felt like the true end of adolescense.

@abnoco Год назад

Well said friend.

@Unlucky-Dube Год назад

I too, am a former child.

@La80R4TQRiii Год назад

I just explained to my boyfriend that I’m not codependent I love being alone but I do need love to self actualize I explained that I don’t have anyone providing me with that love and how my life is better with a partner who cares.

@tom7728 Год назад

Or Number 4: Succeed, Fail, or Do Not Much of Anything, and still not get love.

@VioletEmerald Год назад

Right. Pretty important oversight. Nothing one does is enough is so common

@elmondo-s1e 2 месяца назад

@@VioletEmerald I agree it’s definitely a category of parenting, but it the title of this video is “what parents made you do for love” or similar, not “types of parents”. I just mean to say, these are the options to secure love. The 4th option doesn’t result in receiving love and that’s why it doesn’t belong in this specific video :) I think they address it in others though

@mullins809 Год назад

Both my parents wanted us kids to fail even as adults - so sad I was shocked to see this in the video I thought I was alone

@whatrtheodds Год назад

I also had this. So so painful.

@ntmn8444 Год назад

I agree. Number 1 is the best place to be as a parent. Love your kids as they are. I’ve had this conversation with my husband. It’s why I want to raise my son on Mister Rogers. He had a lot of content talking about that. I grew up with parents that were between 2 and 3, and I hated life so much at one point. It’s taken years for me to heal and find my own way. The only right thing they ever did for me was baptize me Catholic. It’s been my home for the last 3 years, and the Church has been crucial in helping me heal. From everything I’ve learned there, I came to the conclusion that children need to be accepted as they are. So that’s my plan with my son.

@HolyKhaaaaan Год назад

I'm truly grateful that my father had me baptized and taught me the Christian faith. God is a loving Father, and His Son shows us that obedience need not be out of fear, but can understand command as love.

@anonymouspotato432 Год назад

im so proud that you found comfort in God, from what I've learnt as someone who grew up with type 2 parents, God is the only parent who truly gives you the love you wish you got as a child.

@Nayru... Год назад

Is there a fourth one? Because I felt mostly ignored. If I succeeded, it seemed irrelevant, as well if I failed. No one wanted anything, but I also never felt loved. I always felt like invisible.

@typemasters2871 Год назад

Is sounds like you were subjected to neglect, and I am sorry to hear that you had to grow up in that way

@sasasthisu Год назад

You as a person matter to the world 😊

@sunbeam9222 Год назад

Yeah I was surprised that that one wasn't there also.

@theschooloflifetv Год назад

What kind of love did your parent or caregiver give to you? And how has it impacted how you see yourself today? Let us know in the comments

@gmg9010 Год назад

Neglect and Abuse wait those aren’t types of love shit

@auliaaliyev4759 Год назад

I think for me it would be: to try. My issue with the first kind of love is that they risk developing into entitled individuals; individuals who believe they don't need to do anything to get what they want. I will love my child who tries to open a jar of cookies. If he can; great. If he isn't strong enough, I'll help (and perhaps teach him tricks and instill reasons why he should want to try to become stronger); but at least he tried. Also, I think it is important to teach children the satisfaction of overcoming challenges. I think unconditional love means loving regardless if they succeed or fail. But at least you need to try and exert a degree of effort.

@bushcraftadventure5215 Год назад

@@auliaaliyev4759t doesn't mean you don't discipline the child or that you are too soft. It means that the love is not conditional on them achieving something. They are loved regardless of outcomes. Entitlement comes from spoiling a child, not setting boundaries and being weak or not present as a parent. I don't think entitlement comes from a kid knowing they are unconditionally loved.

@caglaryuce99 Год назад

İf ı share, do you can solve ? What's your recommendation?

@lyang3470 Год назад

role model, guidance and unconditional love

@Michelle-72 Год назад

My brother and I had to be perfect. Yet, any time I tried to achieve something, my dad used to say, "don't you get too big for your boots young lady". At the same time, he used to go mad if my grades weren't excellent or if a teacher said they had found me chewing gum in class. In his eyes, I had brought shame on the family. I went to university, partly to prove my dad wrong when he said that I was too thick to get a degree. Now, I am chronically ill, living on disability benefits.

@BasedRanger Год назад

Have you ever read the book, "The Body Keeps the Score"? I think you would find it incredibly useful, and at the very least, insightful.

@Michelle-72 Год назад

@@BasedRanger yes, many times. "When The Body Says No", is also good.

@David-zl3bi Год назад

Did you graduate college??

@Michelle-72 Год назад

@@David-zl3bi yes, I did.

@zharkoo Год назад

sad story.... sorry it happened to you, hope you find the strength to move past it

@srimitamallik8037 Год назад

I dunno in what way I am damaged, and this is too public for me, but it’s relatable. Oddly specific. Specially the one which is a merger between two and three. This video is like therapy to me. And I see that I am not alone.

@rediscoverlife101 Год назад

I can't express my true emotions in front of my father. One day expressed anger and it felt so good.

@1unsung971 Год назад

Very rare to be able to express "true emotions" in front of parents. They don't want that and they would not know what to do with the information. We overestimate our parents. Most of them are just rubbish parents.

@ayuxx10 Год назад

What does it mean if my parents weren't interested in me inherently, didn't care if I succeeded at anything, and didn't care if I was struggling/failing?

@saratf Год назад

Maybe it was just a way of being parents 2 and 3. The intensity of emotions or lack of them in your case it’s what makes the child believe it doesn’t matter anyway.

@whatever96 Год назад

My mother would put me down if she felt threatened and only mentions anything good I have when she is competing with someone else's child. I hid my beauty because she made me feel ugly and when the time would come for her to show me off, I would have nothing left to show because I don't believe in myself. she seems like the most kind woman to outsiders and to herself she feels like she has been a good mother because she doesn't do the obvious abusive things like hitting but what she did to me was just as heinous. The entire world revolves around her happiness and sadness. I only exist to fulfil certain roles in her life and the moment I cross a boundary of a role she set for me, she would feel insecure and crushes me down in ways I don't even see coming. It's not the screaming or the direct attacks. It's the sadness that she makes sure fills the entire house if she's not happy. It's the guilt that she makes me feel that I am bad for not fulfilling the roles she has decided for me. If I was a good person I would have made her happy because she's my mother. It's a simple message made of only a few words but it has controlled and destroyed my life. Something happened recently that made everything click. I am the fighter, no one can mess with me, no man has ever broken my heart or lead me on. No man has ever been able to control me because I would see it coming from a mile away, yet I was in an abusive relationship with my mother all along and I didn't see it.

@mckady4869 Год назад

You're a good person. Believe in yourself.

@putridsoebagjo Год назад

“The entire world revolves around her happiness and sadness.” Nothing would describe my childhood perfectly than those words. Thank you for sharing, i hope we can survive this, and be kind to ourselves 🤍

@cantofox Год назад

I remember being told by a friend whom observed my interactions with one of my parents,"You're never allowed to be too happy." And it's true I'd miss out on a lot of stuff, just say everything is "meh" even if I had a lot to talk about.

@HasanNassrallah Год назад

The style of attachment is formed at the very beginning of life, and once established, it is a style that stays with you and plays out today in how you relate in intimate relationships and in how you parent your children.

@csepke2 Год назад

And it can be released as an adult. With a lot of work. I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, to use that cliche 😅 I cried out a lot, which seemed scary at first, but man, was it worth it. I don’t even have to think about picking the right people in my life anymore, I just gravitate towards people with more healthier mindsets.

@caitlinpenny7412 Год назад

The only bad thing I have noticed lately about this channel is the constant emphasis on this idea: To be a happy adult they must have a perfect childhood. Well sadly I can very safely say that I’m not creating a perfect childhood for my kid. I try my absolute best but constantly feel like a failure. My child has autism and many of the simple things most parents take for granted my child can’t yet do. Like have a conversation, dress themselves without constant reminders to do so or tolerate the sound of a barking dog five doors down. My day will oscillate wildly between frustration and painfully tender love for all the small moments that do somehow work out. School of Life I would love to see you do a video dealing neurodiverse childhood and parenting. Many of us with neurodivergent children feel as I do, like they are walking through a forest without a guidebook. Where the old advice anyone seems to offer is to just shrug helplessly.

@pearlsaremybestfriend Год назад

Thank you for sharing . I used to watch my family members with beautiful children that happen to be neurodivergent . Under "normal" (nothing is normal btw) circumstances parents don't have a handbook, but my family members create their own handbook everyday . No child is the same just as we as parents are not all the same. With that being said , I really hope the creators see you comment. Its valuable for all of us to see it for understanding and clarity as well maybe open our eyes on ways to support. Bless you.

@kristinbuhrow2942 Год назад

Parenting a neurodivergent child can be a formidable challenge, and I can really empathize with feeling like a failure trying to handle it sometimes. I used to teach classes with several challenging neurodivergent kids before going to grad school for psychological anthropology, and sometimes I would go home and cry because I felt that sense of failure too. Some insights from my grad training: By studying how early childhood experiences affect people throughout their lives, the whole field of psychoanalysis (which this channel pulls from heavily) can seem like it's suggesting that people can only become healthy adults through a *perfect* childhood, and especially a *perfect* relationship with their mother. In reality, the actual psychological literature does not suggest that a child's needs or desires need to be met by their parents 100% of the time to produce a healthy human--just consistently enough that the kid can develop a general sense of security. A famous psychoanalyst in the 50s and 60s, Donald Winnicott, actually published a paper on this popular misrepresentation of psychoanalytic studies in popular media/discourse, and suggested that researchers start framing their work around an idea of a "Good Enough Mother," making it less about pushing for ever-more attentive care, and more about meeting a child's needs effectively enough to support healthy development. Winnicott actually argued that when kids reach the toddler stage and after, mothers refusing some of their childrens' bids for attention because they are tired or overwhelmed is actually excellent for empathy development in the child. It's an opportunity to come to understand their mother as a separate human with her own needs, which is true and valid observation. The "you don't have to do anything to deserve my attention" kind of love comes from consistency in the infancy stage and generally responsive parenting in childhood--healthy refusal and parental overwhelm included. This channel does some things really well, but consistently makes this mis-step of not emphasizing or clarifying the "Good Enough" frame. I don't know you, but the fact that you're trying your absolute best and are still concerned would suggest to me that you're probably making it over the "Good Enough" line, and likely by a margin.

@caitlinpenny7412 Год назад

@@kristinbuhrow2942 You are very kind. Do you know of any books or papers that go into the “good enough” model in more detail? This channel actually did touch on it one time (but only once). None of my friends have children of any kind and my parents find our child a bit intimidating, even if they don’t say it, so I don’t have anyone to turn to for advice or just to let off steam. I hate the online forums too they are exclusively ranting. I have enough challenges of my own without being bombarded by everyone else’s too, especially when they never follow up with advice or a solution.

@moonhunter9993 Год назад

@@caitlinpenny7412 I want to add that there is even a school of thought that says "perfect" parenting is bad for your child (as in 100% reliable responsiveness, doing everything right, always being there, no "off" days)... this isn't about the very early infant stage though. Consistency is key there.

@tracik1277 Год назад

@Caitlin Penny I have an Autistic child (actually he’s 28 now and runs his own business, and to boot, everyone likes him!). Please find information from Autistic adults rather than medical models and non-autistic led sources. There are plenty of these online and on RU-vid. I recommend The Thought Spot, Kirsty Forbes and Aucademy on RU-vid. Steer clear of Simon Baron-Cohen and Autism Speaks. Please don’t become an ‘autism mom’.

@MusiicRoolz Год назад

the best parenting, i feel, is to not expect anything of your kids but also to help them grow into whatever they grow into. it's to help provide opportunities for them to both fail and succeed.

@totalme302 Год назад

Mostly everyone in the comments are sharing how they were mistreated in their childhood. Which is sad and I know the urge to share it. But please can we take a moment with ourselves and make a promise that we will never do the dame mistakes we think our parents did. And see what changes we can make in our personal capacity.

@gailaltschwager7377 Год назад

Thank you! Confused and confusing from one parent and absent from the other.

@lovedaisy_0728 Год назад

Great video. Great insight. This video should go viral.

@j.b.5564 Год назад

Awesome video from the view of a psychodynamic therapist! This is what I tell all my patients. As of now, I might just show them this video instead. 😊👍🏻

@isaak.studio Год назад

I had a mom who was homeless and wanted me to fail. I still don't have a job or a lover. Only a home.

@NakedAvanger Год назад

This channel is worth more than gold

@nqabadube7391 Год назад

The child is a compensatory project at the behest of the parent's disguised vulnerabilities💯

@desacrater221 Год назад

Thank you for the Quality/Integrity of your work.

@john_wayne Год назад

Perfect Timing.

@ghostvoid3019 Год назад

U can say that again

@theschooloflifetv Год назад

Being ‘timely’ or ‘timeless’ amounts to the same thing

@StephanieRZ Год назад

@@theschooloflifetv Haha definitely!

@tiko2916 Год назад

What do I need to do to be loved and respected unconditionally by my parents !!!

@1unsung971 Год назад

Don't even try. Validate yourself in the way that is meaningful to you. Your parents cannot give you the acceptance and love that you long for. They are just not that good as people. Give it up. Focus on being You.

@Hjain2760202 Год назад

I am able to understand how I can learn through these informative videos to be a better parent but what I still lack to understand is how it can heal someone who was damaged in the first place

@jackshapiro4668 Год назад

I’m so grateful for my parents loving me for who I am. I know how lucky I am to have such understanding parents who can help me think through hard times and who I can hang out with like best friends. I love my parents man.

@David-zl3bi Год назад

My mom from farm family... (treated like indentured servants from birth), never knew love. So she couldnt give love. Despite occasionally trying. Can't remember any long conversations with mom or alcoholic wife beating dad. Stepdad not much better.

@DrSearingstar Год назад

Astonishing video, another one deserving of a prize!

@JamesSessions-rn1qo Год назад

I need yall in my life everyday !! Yall help me In so many different ways! Share share share Can't wait Ait to see the next one guys

@lauriivey7801 Год назад

Nothing quite like the neglect of low expectations ... there's a healthy balance between expecting too much and expecting too little ... 'good' parent manage to find that balance and raise happy, confident children

@kelf114 Год назад

I was raised with my dad being a "nothing" parent and my mom being a "fail/succeed". When they divorced, I lived with my dad. We got along better. I could see my mom's "resentment" that I wasn't an extension of herself. My husband and I raised our son as "nothing" parents. Even as an infant, I understood my son was his own person. Even when buying baby food, I got every flavor. Just because I didn't like something didn't mean he wouldn't. I was amused at some of his tastes. He loved beets. Still does. Lol We never pushed what we wanted onto him. We knew he had to walk his own path and learn his lessons just like we did. We guided him, and always let him know we're there for him. But we also always encouraged him to be his own self. His future was his choices. Not to say he was never disciplined, or yelled at for doing some dumb stuff in his youth....he's normal, like anyone else. And now he's a confident young gentleman. You've got to be comfortable and have confidence being yourself if you want to teach a kid how to be comfortable and be confident being THEIR self.

@clansman89 Год назад

I come from a combination of second and third type. Now in my thirties it's a constant struggle to become satisfied. I'm looking for happiness. I just know I miss unconditional love. Almost found it, felt so happy for a while, but now I'm back to square one. At least now I know what I'm looking for. Spread love, people. It's the best drug. Be better to your kids than your parents were to you.

@Surelinefoams Год назад

Can you please thank the animator for such an awesome explanatory video appreciate your efforts guys thank you

@kimberknutson831 Год назад

Wow. Just wow. I should probably stop being surprised by anything that The School of Life produces, but I really love and appreciate feelings of awe, wonder, gratitude, etc. This is deep, moving, intense, trenchant, hard, soft, true, tough, brilliant, and various and sundry other adjectives that escape me at the moment. : ) I happen to have advanced degrees and am ABD on PhD in 19th-Century British Literature that I chose not to complete when I walked away from the "Ivory Tower of Academia" about 15 years ago from what may have been a "prestigious" career in academia. Another response to neglect and trauma is to become a compulsive overachiever and professional intellectual to escape one's body because of the unwanted attention of older men, some of them relatives. That was my experience. As you say here, I had no choice but to let them do whatever they wanted because "I wanted to live." I really love that you ended this on such a harsh note because sometimes truth hurts, which is okay because there is no love without pain and no joy without sorrow. Thank you again, School of Life, for giving us the tools to improve our own unique versions of the human experience. As the opening line of Anna Karenina wisely states, "All happy families are happy in the same way. All unhappy families are unhappy in their own, unique ways." Sometimes that is worded differently depending on the translation. I am an enormous fan of Joseph Campbell, and I believe that the ways that we become the heroes and heroines of our own lives is to figure out the unique ways that our families of origin consciously or unconsciously attempted to "destroy" us and metaphorically "slay the dragons" of sorrow, suffering, neglect, longing, fears, etc. and "save" our own "days." I am 59 and still working on that, but my 23 year-old daughter thinks my husband and I are heroes for not doing to her what she knows was done to us. If that is not proof, I don't know what is. Hah! : )

@craigmerkey8518 Год назад

Wow I always learn something! Thank you so much!

@snakesandpsychology 5 месяцев назад

I'm so glad you included the last option which is a combination of the two. My parents were (and still are) so poorly integrated that I've felt stuck in impossible situations repeatedly through life. I simultaneously MUST do impressive and essentially impossible things while never ACTUALLY succeeding, because success would be too threatening to them... but neither can I give up, because they made it very clear that in order to gain their acceptance, I wasn't allowed to quit. So I've stayed far too long in jobs and projects that have been slowly killing me. (I'm working with a wonderful therapist to work through all this.)

@KK-dc3qk Год назад

Beautiful, thank you 💚⚘

@PrettyDaised Год назад

Well, this was eye opening!

@kintsugi2262 Год назад

Tears flowing down while listening this voice n video

@cremadulce_ 11 месяцев назад

I’m truly grateful to have been raised by parents who allowed me to be. A beautiful lesson that I look forward to bestowing on my own babies 💜 I mourn for those who have experienced otherwise. May your heart be healed one day 🕊️ May you sow love and with it, break the cycle of discord.

@lozza901 Год назад

I have empathy for anyone who has been through any of these kind of traumas, having had it all myself, getting to great heights of achievement, only to self sabotage and end up back as a dependent to that parent once again. Doomed to remain in that cycle for life.

@beegeesquirrel9010 Год назад

no one is doomed to constant pain. life is meant to be lived. somehow, you have to find the small door that will set you free. you will become independent again, you will accept love.

@lozza901 Год назад

@@beegeesquirrel9010 if only I agreed with you

@marcusklaas4088 Год назад

Thanks!

@Alexmarshall15 Год назад

Much NEEDED ❤️

@lugosi7308 Год назад

And then theres no love at all. I was more of a obligation/weight that my mom couldn't wait to get away from

@PeacefulProgress17 Год назад

Thanks for making this video. It might be more important to live a mentally balanced life as parents...

@solome4436 Год назад

This seems so relatable 🙁

@error53ish Год назад

There is at least a 4th option not mentioned... just straight apathy. The parent doesn't care at all about the child.

@PeachPlastic Год назад

True. Though having mixed expectations for the child to both fail and succeed ultimately has the same effect, I think: Learnt Helplessness through the experience that nothing you do will ever be right, or matter. In the case of apathy, there's no hope to be seen nor loved; it'll lead to either self-neglect or a chaotic, avoidant, underdeveloped attachment style.

@gsilcoful Год назад

Wow. Thank you.

@teotzampazis7602 Год назад

Amazing work and very informative!I dread the moment when I become a parent and my kids have to go through all this mess

@basedandbinguspilled1482 Год назад

Then don’t have children.

@zenmodeplease Год назад

Simple and profound 🙏😌

@katrinashaw2195 Год назад

I was a shy little girl, and I from the moment I can recall my own existance, I felt people would not like me or want to be my friend. I always blamed my own shyness for this.... but maybe it was my absuive mother.

@BookFreakyTube Год назад

I grew up believing that my parents would love me only if I was able to fit into their idea of a “perfect child”, however, succeeding in being their child I had to fail being myself.

@LilChuunosuke Год назад

I was the last child. My parents, especially my mother, wanted a child who was boast-worthy in public, but did not threaten their egos in private. They would tell me that they would love me if only I met some arbitrary demand, but once that demand was met, they would gaslight me into thinking that they had wanted something entirely different from me. I had to be book smart, so they could brag that I was a gifted genius, but not street smart so they could mock me for being dumb and incompetent. I had to be gifted at my chosen hobby, but not enough that it would take away from my chore time (aka all my free time) or enable me more freedom. I had to be well-spoken, but not ever to defend myself. I had to be charismatic and likable, but was encouraged to deepen friendships with my bullies & abusers while distancing myself from good natured people. I was told I could only receive love if I succeeded, but was set up for failure again and again. The only attention they ever gave me was negative. Now, when people try to be loving to me, it feels forced and insincere. I don't know what it feels like to have someone say they care and actually believe them.

@nizasiamehenry Год назад

THE THREE KINDS OF PARENTAL LOVE; 1. Nothing very much. 2. To earn love, we must succeed. 3. To earn Love, you must Fail. End!

@AkaiAzul Год назад

My mother loved me when I served her. Success or failure didn't matter as much as long I was there to be her baby boy. Success is nice, helps me serve her better. Failure is fine as long I could continue to be there for her. Love stopped whenever I took steps to be myself, make my own person. I couldn't be myself but what she wanted me to be. Needless to say, I'm pretty messed up.

@leightonolsson4846 Год назад

There's also I would tend a not completely discrete 4th category - the parents who have children because they need something to love them. Often experienced in immature ways, they will see any behaviour of the baby and child that is challenging (crying, not doing what told to do etc) as not simply natural or naughty but feel the actions of the child as depriving them of love. It's exceedingly damaging.

@tommajor3832 Год назад

I deeply appreciate these videos!!!!!! They offer a necessary logical explanation of why we are a certain way. As well as some steps that can help repair the destroyed psychie! Sadly, when I typed in the search "how to stop hating myself stemming from a childhood of neglect, physical, and mental abuse" as always, a plethora of videos popped up offering just positive affirmations! Albeit they may be sufficient for the psyche not suffering from what I typed in the search bar. But, because none of them even slightly address the cause and effect, they're all but worthless! This leads me to question, why aren't videos dealing with my query coming up? Is it designed this way, or are there just no videos available?

@15phanhoangnamnguyen3 Год назад

best video so far

@krishnayedage4209 Год назад

Thanks

@friggintourist7751 Год назад

I was and am everything i wasn't supposed to be in the eyes of my parents and I feel like i mentally never left that childishness for adulthood

@CelineOng Год назад

They were strict. I have to succeed and be good in my job or even work full time so that they don't criticize me

@dannyscott6707 Год назад

Lately, I've been feeling this strange sense of emptiness. I feel like I'm missing something in my life, like I'm not fulfilling my purpose.

@garyakins8449 Год назад

I know exactly what you mean. I used to feel that way until I met Benjamin Alford. He introduced me to an organization that helped me find my purpose and passion in life. I can't say too much about it.

@abbykoop5363 Год назад

I have always struggled with the right to exist. Even today at 61, I struggle to know how I "should" be around people. What I need to do to be "acceptable". I really only feel comfortable around myself and my pets...and very few people (mostly HSP's like myself).

@kellycarnonha9690 Год назад

please make one about difficulties adjusting to changes in life

@nancyaustin9516 Год назад

My dad was sort of a 3B. It was understood that my siblings & I weren't to embarrass him, otherwise there'd be hell to pay. Besides that, he didn't want anything to do with us; he didn't often speak to me (unless it was to punish), and mostly behaved as though I was invisible. There were never any signs of affection, and I came to not want anything from him (at least consciously) because having his attention was potentially dangerous. I always figured there was something wrong with me (until I did a lot of therapy decades later). After some early years of wondering what I was doing wrong, I sort of gave up and withdrew. School was the only place I felt more or less safe, although kids are cruel too, so it wasn't much of a haven.

@Anto_81 Год назад

There's not just the parents. There's the rest of the family who, unfortunately, plays a big role.

@PriusTurbo 11 месяцев назад

My parents acted like they were proud of me when I performed well but that was only if it directly reflected on their "stellar parenting". Anything I did on my own or different from what they did was met with some thinly veiled resentment that I believe even they weren't entirely aware of. I now see a major issue for many people is growing up with parents that are not self-aware. If they knew the impact they were having, I believe my parents would have done some things differently. Being able to recognize that has been freeing.

@charlienorfolk Год назад

My parents did this all wrong - as a parent I have tried hard to give the message ‘you don’t need to do anything to be loved’ but I am sure I have also failed to do it consistently. It is hard to heal something that was internalised before we had words. And my learning about myself and my motives has taken a long time. I cannot go back and undo the damage - I can only apologise and hope that my own children can do it better.

@1unsung971 Год назад

Bravo You!!!

@artscollab Год назад

I have made the conscious decision to not have children, thereby ending this cycle of generational suffering.

@namratagandhi3381 Год назад

Same here

@hud86 Год назад

As a child, I felt much unpleasantness and anxiety over not pleasing and impressing my parents. For that reason I have no expectations for my son and will encourage and aid him in any interest he has, short of things which will physically harm him. I don't know the right way to live, I hope he finds a way which works for him.

@thebigNT Год назад

Worst thing was my dad making me feel like I never had enough friends. He peaked in college/frat life and became an alcoholic after that. He would always make comments about why my friends weren't coming over or what they were up to. Still does it into my adulthood. I feel like I don't care but some part of me does.

@1unsung971 Год назад

Your father is a major league Ar*ehole, drowning his pain in alcohol. He loves drink more than anybody, because it's the only way he can self-soothe. Escape while you can. You are worth it. Respect to you.

@Anna-rb6rg Год назад

I initially resented the idea that someone might habitually sabotage their lives so as not to upset their parents too much. But then I realized that the combination of both unhealthy reward options is pretty obvious and logical: 1. On the one hand, the child must succeed in those areas that parents consider important so that they can be proud of him and brag to others. 2. On the other hand, all these successes should only emphasize the pedagogical skills and good genes of the parents, but should not make the child part of another class or part of people whom the parents themselves do not belong to or whom they despise. For example, my parents were proud of my progress in school, but separated themselves and me from bookworms and professors, even wearing glasses was considered slightly shameful in our family. My father made fun of my glasses all his life, even now that he wears them himself, he tries to hide it. They also boasted about how well-behaved children they had, but always scoffed at excessive rules of etiquette and scrupulousness, for example, in matters of clothing or hygiene. Thus I am programmed by them to be moderately successful, but never to think about any special heights and achievements and if I am given an opportunity for special achievement, I should sabotage it by thinking that I really can't, because I'm not that type of person.

@sunfishensunfishen2271 Год назад

Lmao, now I have a pretty solid backing for when I tell my friends that I think they’ve told me a bad reason to have a child

@randomthoughts4429 Год назад

What do I need to do to be allowed to live? hits hard

@samirakhaliq5512 Год назад

Very sad.....but very true......especially for children with a narcissistic parent......

@aldelgado9343 Год назад

I had 1 child (a male) and he finished college but he suffers from anxiety, i too suffer from anxiety

@kjamison5951 Год назад

I was criticised by a family member after some work I did was published in an international journal. The criticism was down to my name being mentioned second of two names. I had performed all of the work and the other person named with me had submitted what I had done for others to be aware. Without them, the work would not have been published but the family member maintained that I should have had first billing if I had indeed done the work. But my family in general loved me when I succeeded in following their suggestions and methods for achieving something even if it came at the cost of more time or more cost to me. If I demonstrated any individuality at all, those same people hoped that fail it would teach me a lesson. And if I followed their suggestion and it still failed… I was told it was because I clearly didn’t do everything they had said and doing my own thing had led to the failure. I was repeatedly reminded that I was not attractive to women because I didn’t have the right job, a good salary, a car or a house of my own. I was told it wouldn’t happen until I achieved all of these things, that no woman wanted to marry a failure. The friends I made - they were all wrong because they took me out of the house and away from the family. Arguing coherently proved an empty venture because their irrational chatter could not be reasoned with. I’m almost 60, I have no friends - work colleagues and very few acquaintances but no friends - and I remain single. My future is determined by how long the last surviving family member lives. Once they have died, my purpose I will have finished and I can at least take steps to end my own misery. I once had such hopes to not repeat the same errors of my family when I was younger. I once looked forward to teaching my children the importance of being themselves and supporting their choices. It never happened. I shall leave no lasting legacy after I die.

@Octobris Год назад

You can take these steps now. By that I mean try living. You deserve to live.

@Sky_moondance Год назад

Holy crap! That explains a lot.... OK so I'm crazy but it's not purely my fault. I think I'll finally get some sleep, the last time I got a good night's rest was when I was prenatal 😅

@heartofdawn2341 Год назад

Mine was more a lack of love. Growing up queer in a very "traditional" environment meant I ended up massively-self loathing. Trying to hide who I was and what I needed lest I get hurt again.

@smallsmall5062 Год назад

You hit my situation on the head!!! So much, I feel like I owe you co pay ( at at therapy office) I had to fail to be ok. Im still try to figure out how do you graduate HS with a 1.3 gpa with a parents in the house....

@whatrtheodds Год назад

I find this so triggering, I feel my body freezing up, I'm almost depersonalizing. It's very painful. My father wanted me desperately to fail. I was a talented young girl and school came easily for me, but he punished me at every turn for it. I was a demon for reading a book quietly, silently conspiring to ruin his life and shame him. I ended up in a really bad way, and now things are much better I still feel intense fear sometimes, because I don't feel part of my past nor my future I feel in limbo. The well trodden traumas call to me like the sirens of the sea. Although I don't believe in God, I pray for healing and clarity. ❤

@HelamanGile Год назад

2 and 3 for me

@kimsherlock8969 Год назад

I heard different circumstances creating different angst. Some don't have to rethink their lives only those who are missing insight understand they were powerless to change their lives it depended on adjusting.

@oscarross4337 11 месяцев назад

This video explained my parents too well I love them but I also a feel majorly fucked in life I have high anxiety and depression everyday is a struggle and I just want to one day be able to financially support myself and have a job I like and be independent:/

@deohenge1865 Год назад

I'm not sure exactly where this falls in the success/failure spectrum, but being (or at least appearing) religious was necessary for my siblings and I to live "normal" lives. Church every Sunday and on certain holidays was a must, never a choice. Voicing opinions that we didn't like or agree with beliefs or practices was met with harsh dismissal and, as we got into teen years and older, threats of being evicted if we didn't comply. Doing, saying or wearing anything that could reflect poorly on our religious upbringing drew ire and punishment. I never plan to have kids, but if I did I would be thrilled if they grew up without the fairytales of a strict and vindictive god impacting who they become.

@Masanumi Год назад

This hits enormous after the dream I had. I had a new born son and it just annoyed me to care for it, I didn't give him a name and just got anxiety from realising I can't contribute to public life anymore. The father was nowhere to find and my family were going to the restaurant without me. Because I just would be a burden. Nothing subtle in this dream.

@tracik1277 Год назад

Wow. Take that one literally! (The newborn is you, you are you, the parents are themselves and also the parent you are afraid you could become having had the upbringing you had.)

@jpbart1390 7 месяцев назад

Love from my parents & relatives was conditional & now they have my hate.

@hunnerboyd6363 Год назад

I’m literally crying and I don’t know what to do.

@ip1335 Год назад

Neglect and Emotional absence or Emotional extremes. I wonder if there's anything for that kind of love.

@winnied87 Год назад

I have a struggle by being coodepend (have no better word to describe this situation). My family is loving on a surface (more materilistic point of view; parents came from poor households) and yet I don't quite feel a deep connection as an adult. I seem to be more sentimental, vulnerable, stubtle and intl academia. This interest in pursueing academic goals has somehow clashes with my parents' idea of success. The major problem is that my family give and do until I get lazy and then punish for being lazy. I was sort of spoiled, but still growing in a pretty poor household. These misallignemts have made a shy and vulnerable adult. I'm reserved, subtle and diplomatic most of the time, which leads to frustration because leadership at work gets annyoed by my character and I change jobs often to find a team, where I belong. Of course, I ask fmamily for help when struggling to pay the rent after losing another job and they accept me and I am spoiled again until they decide it was enough. By spoiles I mean cooking food and similar basic things. When I do try to flex independence, they suddenly think I am not grateful for their love etc. etc. It's quite a miserable place to be. I want to break through and challenge myself instead of being framed by the family bubble.