When You Know There’s Chemistry (But They’re Pulling Back) 

I would rather die than settle. The only thing worse than being alone is being with someone you don't want to be with. Rejection hurts. Settling hurts more.

After all this years, I have only learnt..chemistry is rare, if that happens believe it.. I say that to every young person who say they are scared of rejection.

The relationship should be easy, if it is not, then it is not worth having it, even if there is a strong attraction.

Undeniable attraction between two people is incredible, this happend to me recently. The guy went out of his way to ignore me, and then kept staring at me, Really bizarre.

I love the part where she says “ the human animal is reading it 100%” because it is true ! You can try to hide you feelings but it’s right there and you can’t do anything about the chemistry two people feel when there is mutual attraction. Once I had a guy who would always look at me every time I would go in the same room as I did and I felt his eyes on me , it was undeniable . Finally he came up to talk to me and instantly when we locked eyes I felt like he was staring into my soul that’s how intense it was . pretty awesome feeling !

attraction is very tricky, just be careful. What you perceive as "playing hard to get" might actually be lack of interest and vice versa. But I guess the moral of the story is be brave enough to find out.

"experiences outside the norm, catalyze emotional reaction also outside the norm". beautifully put.

Fear of failure and rejection keep many people from their greatest experiences. It's difficult to be vulnerable and honest about what you want with so much uncertainty. Yet by taking those risks you find out if what you want wants you back. Yes, rejection is hard, but isn't it harder to always wonder if you could have been living a better life right now with that particular person? We are creatures that seek out love and acceptance. Not going for something is basically rejecting yourself over and over again and telling yourself that you are not worthy of what you desire. If you can find the courage to go after someone or something you want, you will ultimately be happier in the long run, even if there are rejections along the way. Life can be hard and disappointing, don't break your own heart by missing out on the things that could actually make you happy. Fear is the enemy here. Conquer your enemy and win the prize of self confidence, self love, self acceptance, and resiliency when things don't work out the way you had hoped. :)

This woman is brilliant!!

I avoid men I'm attracted to because I fear rejection.

This is the type of attraction that you feel in your heart and really intuitive

My attraction to this guy I like is so strong that I’ve gone mute and can’t even bring myself to look him in the eyes anymore. It’s a really strange feeling because I feel deeply attracted to him and I feel like he feels the same way about me, but it never goes anywhere it sort of just stays in the air like a weird intense energy if that makes any sense?!

She is right on point. Her insight is very refreshing compared to the superficial dribble usually found on such topics.

With a woman, I've had physics, calculus, biology, statistics, trigonometry, etc. -- but no chemistry!

I am too old to be fooled by men whom are just not that into me. I'm too old, yet it has happened again. One great thing about being older: the emotional pain is fleeting and recovery time is far less. I'm quicker to pay attention to my gut instinct, and of course, I have experience, maybe even a little hard-earned wisdom, under my belt. I no longer allow my heart, exclusively, to rule the roost. Every relationship is a teacher and I'm focused on my positive growth: I'm 100% responsible for my own happiness! Thank you, Susan, for the high-quality videos that keep getting better. Today, literally, you were a godsend (goddess-send). Blessings to you!

I tell you what, if the guy is like that at the beginning, chances are he will not get better with time and intimacy. I had a year relationship with a man who never told me how he fell about me and kept pushing me away every time I tried to close the gap. It went for so long because I loved him and could see he wanted me too...it was all so clear but at some point I had to let him go...it was like climbing a slippery mountain with no ropes. Every time I thought we made progress, he would push me back again. The lack of open affection or the reluctance to say what he felt for me became too much to bear. I need to feel safe with a man, I need to feel loved and protected and frankly I don’t think I’m asking for too much, just the basics so I ended it.

I made that step with different men and always failed. The only relationships that really happened were when the men did the first steps and I had nothing to do but to say "yes". We should be careful, since it could be an illusion on our side and on the other side is no hidden feeling at all, meaning he is not hiding any feelings, he just has none!!!

This is the 1st video that's answered my question towards what I'm dealing with

I feel like I've struck gold with your channel! Thank you so so much Susan.

This actually does help. Some feelings or tension are too strong and it's tough.

Sometimes the chemistry between two people is out of fear of what people think. I had guys be attracted to me but not say anything because I was a larger woman.

I wanted to thank you for this particular video.. I recently ended I friendship because this man I was basically in love with for a few years kept denying that he was attracted to me but yet his actions were so different, I could just sense there was something there but when I tried to act on it he pushed away and tries (and succeeded) in making me jealous around other men, it's truly an awful feeling to feel like your left behind but as I'm growing older (I'm in my mid 20s) I'm starting to finally see I don't need people like that in my life and I will find someone who will cherish me some day and to let this one particular guy go and live in his fantasy world of not being into me like I was him, I'm done with excuses and games and again thank you for this video

Susan after viewing dozens of videos on dating and relationships, you have hit the nail on the head you have confirmed what I inwardly felt and believed thank you so much!

Wow, I haven't heard anyone ever discuss this issue. It all makes sense. I'm dealing with this right now. Thank you for your insight. This is the first video I have watched of yours. Looking forward to seeing more.

Good on you Susan for making all of us humble people feel better about ourselves

Wow one of the first sentences was so incredibly important for me! Just the acknowledge that meeting a special person can bring up intense emotional feelings, because it's so out of your day to day life, lifted so much weight off my shoulders! I too see myself as a logically thinking person so just hearing, that this is completely normal and dosen't mean that I am delusional meant a lot! Thank you Susan!!

Literally going through this right now, you are the only person who has been spot on regarding this topic, thank you!

Exceptional explanation! I truly feel I am caught up in this scenario and sadly, yes, I’ve put my life on hold. I’m fearful of coming forward and I too am playing it safe to save face.

From my personal experience, attraction does NOT mean that both parties are currently interested in a relationship at that time.

This is totally me all my life. The more attracted I am to someone, the less I feel like I can function normally, and this is when I know they’re mutually interested. Shyness isn’t a part of my personality and I’m outspoken. I didn’t grow up with my father. Though I grew up around males, romantic or just normal opposite sex interaction with an individual to whom I’m attracted has been so difficult. This is where the problem really is me and not them. Your tip is great here. I also try to shift my focus in order to find the more extroverted part of me.

So intrigued by title. While watching the video, I was smiling and laughing. Describes me most accurately. Learned something about myself. How frustrating I can be to others.

i love you finally someone understands. i’m so grateful for this video. i know he loves me. he’s just being odd af

We stare at each other We like each other We have chemistry and the needs to be together BUT .... We both are shy and timid moreover afraid to do the first move. He’s beautiful!!!

This woman is the best. So educated. So helpful

Amazing and smart piece of advice, thank you. Similar situation, chemistry and all but he decided to wall me out because he's not ready

You have giving me the answers to my questions that I have been asking my family, friends, and myself for all these years! No-one has quite given me the answers that I was looking for until I started watching your videos. You are smart, informative, and blunt. Thanks so much!

Experienced, knowledgeable, and to the point.

Your videos make a lot of sense and I really like your solutions. I love your perspective on these situations. Thank you!

Hi Susan, thank you SO much, so so much, for this video. It really resonated with me, to the degree that it felt like you were reading my mind or had walked in my exact footsteps. Especially the "feeling crazy" part. My situation is complicated, a mix between this video and the "pulling back" video - there is palpable chemistry, he stares all the time, it's electric whenever we are in the same room, etc., and he had actually gotten past acting like a *cough* to trying very hard to please me and to open up though he seemed highly self-conscious. But after getting much closer, and very vulnerable, in a short space of time (e.g. insisting on buying me a drink, then getting all embarrassed and bashful about having revealed so much about it being important to him; sharing things about his childhood, family, fears, etc. and then saying we shouldn't be talking about him so much), he has withdrawn - so I'm giving him space. Does that sound like the right thing to do? I sent him a friendly message, he replied very quickly but didn't respond to everything I wrote; this is why I say he has pulled back. So I sent him a "have a nice week" response back and left it. I had really begun to question myself and wonder if I am just delusional.... so this video has helped me to keep the faith that I haven't gone crazy. I know you probably don't have time to read, let alone respond to, all your comments, but if you do see this, you have helped me a lot. Thank you. I don't know if this guy and I will ever get anywhere, but thank heaven I now know, at least, that I should trust myself that there was really something there. It means more than you can know.

I'm a guy, i've watch bilions of videos here on RU-vid... but dangg, this woman speak the real truth ! This channel is genuine ! Keep up the good work Susan ! People actually learn alot from your videos ! Cheers

What she said at the end...Thats me, afraid to put myself out there. I always expect the guy to do it, but I’ve lost out on a couple really good guys who I KNOW liked me but they were afraid just like me. It was like a game of chicken but neither one of us swerved so it all just crashed and burned before it started.

This is literally so spot on. I met a guy a few months ago where the same thing happened...I could sense the chemistry and attraction between us immediately but we were both the more closed off sort. I eventually took on the “golden retriever” role if you will and organized a bunch of group outings where we conversed in a more observational way...and it took MONTHS of that before we are now more comfortable with one on one conversations...and it’s magical. We both move slowly when it comes to dating and stuff so I’m quite happy with the pace of things, I like to be friends with the person first. But this video makes so much sense to me!! I’m definitely excited to see where things go xoxo

I just discovered your channel. I have never seen a video of this type that so clearly speaks to EXACTLY what I am dealing with.

i'm the dopey klutsy golden retriever puppy as well :D and i love to see it in other people when they meet me (anybody, not just potential romantic partners). it's such an amazing feeling, that instant connection and you both can't stop smiling and gushing all over each other!

You're intuition was so key on. I'm the person that deflected my feelings and I do freeze up when my crush's attention is on me. I feel so blessed to have come across your channel. Your experiences are priceless. Thank you. All the best to you.

Brought a tear to my eye. Ive watched a few of your videos now. Almost 2 years. Everytime we are around each other its electric. She admits her fear now as we dated a year. Her backstory is very sad. I date others now.. She refuses to date anyone after me. Even told me if she cant love me she cant love anyone. But .. Ive been around, im not a kid, and Im not dillusional. Many if your words speak more volume than so many other channels. Ive even been o e if those hot and cold guys with others.. I recogize all the patterns.. Her reactions are truly fearful, and what is heartbreaking, in my opinion is.. I truly think she found love after all of her years of not even knowing what it was.. And it literally emotionally paralized her. She came into my life at christmas again.. Promised to do more together..and then retreated.. So.. I go live my life again.. This journey is something only she can choose to fix. We are both in our 40s. She is using her children and work for distraction, and it will work for awhile, but sooner or later, whatever we bury will bubble up in ourself. I might be there, or I might be gone.. But that connection meant the world to me. I hope one day Ill have the chance to see her happy.. Her past, her pain.. None of it is her fault. God bless you for your kind words.. Many sights, make these people seem like monsters.. Ive done enough research to realize that there are monsters, but they are simply just lurking below the surface of thier soul, and is telling them lies.. I spent a long time being like the puppy. Ive come to realize, I cant do this anymore, but I can still let her in if Im available.. I can be positive, I cant tell her I believe in her without letting my ego get the best of me. Maybe one day shell realize someone didnt totally give up.. Be well

that was a really nice message, that i ve never seen on youtube before. Thanks for taking the time to unravel this issue.

Shes a blast from the past! So seventies. Shes in a timewarp and i love it!

Thank you, Susan. for giving such high quality advice. I recently found myself in the shutdown position you describe so well. So much was going on in my mind and physiology of memory that I was overwhelmed into self-consciousness. I felt light years away from the potential me I sensed awakening between us, and it seemed I had to cross those light years in no more than an instant - that’s where I froze. The light years starter to seem reachable but I was still on the brim of time (between the time of immeasurable, infinite Kairós and that of measurable, linear Chronos.) I could not recognize in my self-image the lightness her look showed me I could feel in my body. I froze, feeling how far I still was from the real me I began to see and wanted to present to her. In films when this happens we as outsiders tend to understand more easily how intensely engaged the frozen person is. Visibly (in the film), they may be dealing with burying no less than all the wounds of their past to make themself new for what is clearly a higher octave of their imperfect, human perception and experience of love. Your advice, to deflect the spotlight, is so perfect. That’s not what happened to me, because of the pressure of chronological time over the impending distance between the different continents we live on. I have never thought I would someday consider nourishing a long distance relationship but now I am. I am aware that for her it may have been nothing but a flirt, but one second of the way her presence felt with mine is more than that to me. This is a gift; sharing it with her would be a whole other gift.

Amazing insight and foray into this very delicate component of everyday human interaction. Kudos to you, gal!

This video was very helpful. Thank you Susan!

Wow, you are so on point Susan! You are amazing! I am experiencing this same exact thing with him. I am definitely the golden retriever wagging her tail. I am also the empowered one and he is very dismissive, snappy at times etc...I see him staring at me when he thinks Im not looking. He has trouble looking at me in my eyes. He knows that I like him and he keeps pulling back. It's his way of controlling the situation. One day he's attentive and the next day he acts like he's not interested and pretends he doesn't see me, except for a few interjections when I am talking to someone else. We work for the same company and fortunately im relocating to another building, but he also works at the building im relocating to on certain days. Im not sure what will happen now. Hopefully the heart will grow fonder in my absence... one can only hope! 😗💛

After searching all over for the answer, I finally found it. Thanks Susan!

Great points. I lasted 30 years before I realized my own golden retriever puppy self needed to leave in order to find another golden puppy boy. So much fun now!

You are always spot on. Love your vids! They explain and reveal so much. Thanks so much.

Are you incredible or what, I have been through something like what you have been through and I was about to lose my mind so thank you

Amazed how Right ON you are about this Stuff!! WOW!!!

I wish I saw this before I dismissed this extremely shy guy....he's soo sweet and very direct over texts, but in person he was literally extremely "mean", cold and paralyzed (not a single word) in my presence. I was always puzzled but now it all make sense. Thank you for the clarity, you are so good at what you do! 🙏🏼😇

Miss Susan you are truly amazing..I just love your videos and watch them over and over again..Thank you for doing these amazing videos for us.xox

I’m glad I stumbled on this because this is the exactly where I am at the moment.

I needed to hear this. Thank you ❤

This is so amazing! I've never found anyone talking about this issue

Since the day I found this channel I've known a lot, Thanks alot Susan you always give me hope

Recently I felt this same situation. It felt like magic. Mind you i don't normally fall for just anyone...The chemistry was off the scale... Sadly the lady suddenly gave the old "it's not you its me" speach. Her reason for letting me go/ (dumping me)? " I deserve better. "Really she couldn't of told me that before I started having feelings for her. In the end I wished her happiness in life and it's been three weeks, I decided to date again but never will I put all my feelings out there. Besides I don't have time to babysit. I think it all comes down to do you really love yourself, when the answer is yes you will have moved up on the sexy scale and they will notice.

Your right, I've always wondered why this happened and had my suspicions but never knew how to brake the barrier, if you will.

I love how dead on you are with all of you topics! Thank you!!!! I know he likes me and I like him. We’ve talked about it. He’s kissed me....there is undeniable chemistry and real energy, even other people have said they feel like when we are together. However....he is still choosing to fight it and ignore it. Thank you for this post because I’ve been so confused and feeling alone in this. You’re the best!!!

I definitely agree with your solution to this situation. It's right on the mark.

Men have the same problem. But then I see this fantastic woman with a douch. He had the confidence to speak to an amazing woman and got her.

Thanks, it's nice to have someone confirm what I am perceiving. I'm trying to be patient and hang onto my strong feeling that the attraction is indeed mutual, and this is going to go where I want it to, but it is very frustrating. She is quite friendly and we have a really good time together, but she seems determined not to acknowledge that there is a romantic element to our developing relationship.

Susan, you are such a lovely and natural spirit! Thank you so much, you are a inspiring lady! Blessings!

Great video! I'm glad that you've given me insight unto my situation.

Happening to me right now... I’m deflecting, he is deflecting and we will both end up alone .... Thank you fir helping me understand what’s going on ...

Wow! I feel better that others have the same problem with deflecting. I am definitely the puppy dog and he's the deflector

The Threat response: Freeze, Fight, Flight... or Fawn. Good video, pleasure to watch. TY :)

Awesome ! i really needed this ! We are really driving each other nuts !!!

send that puppy dog wagging your tail this way. much Love !!!!!!!!! xoxo John

I'm so glad I found your channel. I have been in countless situations with "deflectors." It happens so frequently that I can't help but wonder if I come across as intimidating. I certainly don't try to. I will remember this video the next time I find myself in this situation.

Susan Winter, Thanks for the advice! I have a feeling that I'm in a similar position....There's this one woman that I am TOTALLY CRAZY About right now who, ironically enough, sent me a friend request via social media....She was 'Constantly Liking & Commenting On My Pics, Leaving Messages With Happy Emojis & Whatnot', and when we exchanged #'s, SHE CALLED ME just moments after we were chatting via DM.... Conversation was AMAZING, we talked this way for a little while thereafter, discussing deep personal matters together, & in the initial conversation, SHE even talked about VISITING me!!!!!(She's In CA, I'm In VA)....We even talked about 'What Kind Of Restaurant' we would have a date at, as well as meeting up at a mutual friend's party(Which is at the end of this month)....Granted, I admittedly may have made the mistake of 'Overchasing Her', but even with that, she seemed to be ok with afterwards. But now it's like she's 'TOTALLY Backed Off', even though I KNOW CLEARLY that WE had an INTEREST in each other! She had even ALL of A SUDDEN told me that 'She Was Thinking About NOT Going To The Party'(Where We're Supposed To Meet)Again & 'DROPPED Out Of The TEXT-Versation' Without Giving Me A REASON Why REASON!!!! She even 'Threated To Tell Me 2 'Stop Texting Her, But She Thought It'd Be Silly To Say That Since SHE Said That *& I Quote*, 'I Don't Have A Problem With U Textin' Me Until U Keep Going'!!!!!!!! It's almost as if she's 'Huddling Around', yet 'Trying Not To LET ME Know That SHE'S There!!!!!!!!(I say that because there was a post that another mutual friend made that I commented on & then she 'Follows Up & Comments On After Me'!!(Sorry, but that's 'More Than A Coincidence, Especially Since I posted a 'Story On FB' & was able to tell that SHE was '1 Of The DOZEN+ Viewers Who SAW It'!!!!!!!! Now she just 'Likes My Comments On Her Page', be it FB or Instagram, she's telling me (As She's Discussed On The Phone With Me, Btw, Even Though SHE Admitted SHE Liked Me & 'Wanted To MEET 1St, See If We Hit It Off, Then Go From There)that 'I'm Ur Friend, We're Cool', Etc.... I occasionally have dropped a few messages via phone FB DM, but she hardly if never replies now(When She Did, They Started To Become 'REAL Short & Boardline Rude Messages, Btw) and on the DM, you can tell if a person's 'Read Ur Msge' if their 'Profile Pic Icon' shows up next to your message, so I KNOW SHE'S READ THEM!!!!!!!! Ms. Winters, I don't wanna sound crazy, but I REALLY like this Woman & although I have 'Other Options', I REALLY wanna KNOW & SEE it ME & HER STILL have a CHANCE to be 'MORE Than FRIENDS', which she's NEITHER DENIED or IMPLIED, even at THIS point in time!!!! PLEASE, ANY advice you can FURTHER give would be GREATLY Appreciated!!!!!!!! Thanks Again....✌️

Thank you. This subject coveted, very valuable in my life right now.

Thank you so much. I am living through it with whom i think is or could be the real love of my life, he is a wonderful person in a caretaking business i am a supplier/client So he kind of depends on me and i am also very dynamic. The chemistry is that strong that whenever he is in the same room even when there are 50 people, our eyes will meet in seconds, like as if we have a radar for each other. I can feel his eyes on me even when he is behind me. How can this be.! Crazy! I have shown him directly how i feel. He seems to be in denial.

that's where we were…neither one of us could step up and we're no more…

Great advice! Thanks, Susan.

Susan your a rare coach who tells the truth. I struck gold by subscrib ur channel

This type of dynamic also happens all the time when "straight" people are seriously attracted to someone of the same sex. It's a form of homophobia. As a matter of fact, if the lgbt person is very attractive, most straight people will act this way towards them because the truth is sexual attraction is fluid. The straight person is so terrified that people will figure out that they are attracted to that person of the same sex when they are in public, that they feel they need to be dismissive, rude, sometimes even become aggressive or attack to keep everyone else from figuring out that they are attracted to someone of the same sex. However, one-on-one, if no one else is around and they feel no one else will find out, they beg and can be obsessed with having a physical interaction with that person. It can really be a dangerous situation for the lgbt person. Susan, I know your channel is based on hetero- but it would be great to hear someone speak on this.

“This kind of attraction does not occur in a vacuum” But what if I am “delusional?”

You are an amazing person. Everything you said was articulate, interesting and very helpful. I love your videos.

Thank you for your message, this was very helpful! I appreciate it.

Trust me when he is around I watch him watching me but men and myself fear falling in love because past heart breaks

I've lived that same experience , I've been the puppy in the story, we have been in a relationship for a month, then when the moment of intimacy came, we told each other that we began to get attached to each other, just after that he ghosted me and pulled me away really hard, he have been really horrible to me ( the paradoxal thing is that he is a very nice person). So I chased him until I couldn't bear it anymore , i was the one who officially broke up with him, and he didn't respond. Really confusing to me until now. Now , when I contact him for study matters (we work in the same field) , he is really friendly and helps a lot, but that's it. There is a wall between us.

Super informative! I have been to the same situation! Thanks for sharing!

this has helped me so much for this knowledge! I love this!

I could listen to you all day. You are a beautiful being. ❤

I’m gonna give him space by moving on. Asked the guy I like on a date to the movies last year around November and still no response. I don’t have time to wait. I deserve better.

Great advice on this issue. No question she is attracted but tries to hide it. I am sure she feels vulnerable to the intensity of the attraction. I see her often but am not willing to make an obvious move. She can't handle the focus of my attention on her and I would rather wait it out for the right opportunity. She is definitely "affected". One likely problem for this woman is that her relations would probably not accept me and it creates a dilemma for her. "I like you, don't be scared."

Sudan your superb and very clear with you’re coaching 👌 thank you so much 🙏

Dear Susan , Your speech is truly inspirational . You are really a God's gift to this world . Thank you , Sharath

I have been the one who has been so in awe with this guy I met that every time I asked him a question about something that was very important to me he usually gave me answers that blew my mind🤯 so much so that I wouldn’t say anything else afterwords. I guess you could say he shocked me into silence but I was so impressed by his answers that I was just unable to supply him with a response. In the end it made him feel like I was submitting to him. In a way I was...but I was mainly just thinking about how similar we were. Also this is a different situation (same guy) every time I see Him while I’m out and about I would be so nervous to say hi to him that sometimes I wouldn’t say anything and I would just walk straight past him and other times we would be walking next to each other and I would say hi really fast take one look at him and start speeding up almost as if I’m running away but really I’m not I’m just hella nervous...😬 and I didn’t know how to react with the intensity of my emotions. Btw These tips really helped a lot thank you! I will use them next time I see him ☺️

That is absolutely brilliant. Thank you, Susan

I just discovered you. You are amazing. THANK YOU!

This describes my situation exactly. I thought I was going crazy.