They’ve Pulled Away?? AVOID THIS MISTAKE 

Best advice is to walk away. Anyone who is consistently pulling away from you is no longer interested. Plain and simple. Move on, live your life, save yourself the heartache

I’ve found so much freedom in letting people go when they are making it clear they are not interested. I no longer go through the “what’s wrong with me?” “What did I do wrong?” “I’ll never find love” “how do I win back their attention?” I know I’m good enough and I only want a person that believes that! If someone makes me at all feel like I’m not enough, I’m happy to move on while my self-esteem and self-worth is still intact.

Dating is so tough these days, there’s way too many options for everyone. And most of them take on those options instead of getting to know one person.😢🤷‍♀️

It's what abandonment does to you. Makes you feel like love is something to be earned or chased and it's really hard on your self worth. I know it's hard, but let's go chase self love instead ❤

It’s not him she’s chasing after, it’s the feeling. Textbook transference and Limerence.

He didn't PULL away...he was NEVER present. Stop INVESTING in Men who aren't investing in you.

I give up. I meet someone I really connect with every few years and EVERY TIME they rush in with so much and everything is really great and then they disappear after a month or two. I refuse to do this again.

And this is why I don’t jump into bed with guys who aren’t serious about me. No more of this ‘sex on the third date’ that they haven’t earned whatsoever. Hookup culture is wayyyy too empty for me.

Attention is not intention…powerful

One of the best advices i received ever was , " We cant make other people feel like us , behave like us , think like us , have same emotions and heart like us , so dont try change and undertand the others , instead understand your self and make the best of every situation". With this advice in my mind i helped a lot myself and I did my best in every situation as a result to feel more confident and on right path. If I did smth "wrong" I was happy because ive learnt smth and we are all humans so this is smth natural.

If I sense someone is pulling away, I just let them go. It can be hard and painful initially but it's quicker to understand that you deserve better and will help meet someone who could be a potential partner

For all this trouble, I rather be alone. Love myself and use all that energy just on me instead of playing dating games. People just can’t be themselves anymore.

The fact that love and dating works like that is just terrible. All this "oh you giving so much so easily, therefore it's not valuable" BS, I just hate it. But I have learned and whenever people pull away or don't invest as much as I do, I just let it be because it means they are not the person you thought they are or at least they are not feeling the way you thought they are.

If they have pulled away, just let them go. Know your own worth.

If someone pulls away, remove your energy from them. They can be unhealthy or even worse: manipulative. And you don't want to deal with any of that. It's gonna hurt for a while, but rather get stung by a few wasps today than chasing them and face an entire hornets nest months or years later. A healthy person will let you know if there's something wrong and not play this cat and mouse game (where you're the mouse).

I guess the problem is she is LONELY . Loneliness can make you chasing after someone

This is so depressing. I know it’s unrealistic and naive, but I just wish it would be effortless and breezy like in the movies. I’m not calculating enough to keep track of all the rules.

I literally did this textbook mistake last year. I pulled away to see what he will do. He didn’t bother to reach out. I guess I should just move on and be more careful next time. He probably just liked that I liked him

Im impressed how spot on this guy is. I made all these mistakes and lost a great person. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t done it but life is about falling and learning from that fall. Thank you for the free knowledge

If you put someone on a pedestal you give them all the control, so without being selfish, value yourself. Any relationship should be mutual and a two way street, it’s all about give and take, without that it’s just one sided.

I no longer have any hope in finding a decent guy anymore. I’m tired of everyone leaving me

If they pull away... Let them go. Give them the courtesy of a goodbye and then block and delete everything about them. Burn the bridge as they stand on it.

Yup. If you give too much of your attention and time and get not much of the same back then you need to evaluate your relationship with that person.

I think its quite easy to think chemistry and compatibility go hand in hand, but i think in the long run whats important is really commitment and investment over time. You can have chemistry with someone but that doest necessarily mean they are invested. They could just be liking you as a friend, maybe theyre not even there with you as you are with them.

Ive found that those who are meant to be in our lives will be. Being happy and content within myself, by myself has been that big game changer. When I'm not looking outward to feel whole or loved or good enough, theres just no draw to people who don't value the hue of light I overflow with. Also no tip or trick will make us loveable or put us in the right tribe like being authentically yourself will. The same vibe that terrifies the haters out of our lives, is that beacon to our real tribe❤

I used to ran after them, now I just don't say a thing and leave because it takes self love and respect for yourself to do that. I advise every single woman to go through an isolation phase. It will change everything.

IMHO, it's wise to take a break from dating and identify your relationship/behavior patterns, attachment injuries (and trauma) and work on them after an unreciprocated marriage that ended up in a divorce/unreciprocated relationship that ended up in a breakup so that you don't repeat the same scenario over and over again. If your date's actions don't match their words and their behavior is inconsistent (into you in the beginning and pulling away after the first date or a couple of dates), i.e. hot and cold, it's a good indicator that they're not invested in you or they may have a personality disorder. The question to ask yourself is, "why am I infatuated with someone who doesn't reciprocate?" Unfortunately, modern dating is structured to create insecurity, the antidote to a predictor of intimate relationship satisfaction. The majority of people use online dating, which has turned the whole experience into consumerism, a shopping spree where users are commodified. Instead of building a rapport, slowly getting to know each other, and determining compatibility, people are both "shopping" and "testing" each other and other people, and vice versa (serial dating, benching, situationships, back burner relationships, layby). The myriad choices behind a stack of profiles give people the sense that there are a lot of options, so their level of investment in their dates becomes lower. And when they see a small flaw, a red flag, or something that doesn't go their way, they simply return their merchandise (dumping, ghosting) or trade it in for shinier, newer ones (upgrading).

i think this behavior is typical for people with unhealed childhood wounds. People who have this trauma tend to be needy, dramatic, they idealize romantic partners and expect them to come, rescue them and fill the void in their heart. They cling to them like to dear life. And it is both true for both men and women. That's why it is so important to take care of the childhood issues before entering the dating community

Just gotta say, the lady mentioned on this video mirrors my relationship with my wife and then my next relationship, except in my story, the first girl I met after is still the love of my life. We tried, failed, took some time, and now we're trying again and it's amazing. When she pulled away, it was self preservation and not a reflection of her feelings for me. Sometimes it does work out.

Attention is not intention! Yes Matthew spot on! I've learned to just enjoy, invest in my life and let things unfold organically. Life changing and freeing!🎉

Internet gives very conflicting advices…

This is brilliant! The rush of oxytocin with the new person, which was experienced after years of no intimacy, tends to overwhelm everything else and can become addictive. I think many of us have experienced this. This is why what you do to bring us back to reality and remind us of what is best for us is so important. Thank you for all you do! 🙏

I fell hard for a man. We both seemed to. Life was amazing for a few months, then, the apparent love of his life reappeared. He continued to lie to me and lead me on, all the while ghosting me and giving everything he has to her. He still lies about having someone else, the jerk is engaged to her! I feel like a deer that's been gutted. He's a pig

I'm in an almost carbon copy situation right now, but earlier on. I can feel him getting irritated by my neediness and constant need for attention and validation. We've got to the point where I'm getting emoji replies - he's literally begging me for space and I just... cant! I can feel myself ruining this because his attention and interest feels like the most important thing in the world, when in reality I have so much more going on! I hate that I'm aware of what i'm doing and the dangers, yet i'm still doing it!

This one was like reading a history of my last 3 and a half months. Heartbreaking; But we live and we learn.

I totally agree! I learned through dating that just because may find you attractive for a time it doesn’t mean that he’s the right person or that he’ll commit to you and love you.

He was pulling away because he was cheating in a 6 month relationship. That's the sad truth. He is a serial cheater. I ended the relationship right away, no contact, just a forever goodbye. Now healing and learning from the experience. Thank you Matthew, you are right❤

I have been used a placeholder and sex toy. Once people get what they want they leave. They'll fake an interest only for so long and sooner or later I am dropped. Moving forward I am no longer dating or engaging with people for any romantic type relationships. I am also practicing celibacy because obviously sex isn't for me. If the only reason most people want to engage with me is for sex, and I am constantly being used for it. I am better off not participating all together and having more discipline and control over myself.

Do you ever just get literally the perfect video at the perfect time and it just feels like the universe is screaming at you? Yeah.... that's what this was.

There are some great points here. Can’t help but notice relationships are way too complex to compromise your self worth.

His own wounds and his not being relationship ready. I’ve made it clear I AM relationship ready. I’m bored with the hot and cold now. I’ve let go and I am focusing on myself. I even signed up for an online spiritual dating site.

Hey, man here. I've never thought I'd to see so many resentful comments in a video that explains something simple in a healthy way. All he's talking about is the reciprocated value issue when trying to attract the object of your attention. It happens to BOTH MEN AND WOMEN that we dont get to choose if the other part is as invested as we are. So, what do you do? Its counterintuitive to do what Matthew says, but I guarantee you its the best thing to do. Now tell me, why would you chase someone that doesnt speak your value language? Why would you chase in the first place? The chase signals lack of value, so while stopping the chase, realizing how chasing wont show value but LACK of it, you are more valuable than before. Why would a man be attracted to a lacking woman, when he could have an abundant and valuable woman instead? So, in terms of availability, ladies dont position yourselves where he thinks "yeah low value, I could get her anytime if I wanted to", or "I dont feel attracted to her even though shes all over me, I feel more assaulted than appreciated". This will kill attraction and put you in the friendzone, or even worse, the little annoying sister zone. Instead, build a life and thrive in your femininity, and then you can have a chance. But dont chase. Source: me. I had to learn this. Plays both ways with men and women, with a few differences. Have a good life and work within yourselves, its the only way to level up. Forgot to mention: the only way I have completely discarded a woman is after perceiving manipulation while offering nothing on the table. Forget about the coochie.

Matthew, THANK YOU for the tremendous free value you give us here on youtube. My words can't express how much you have helped me when i was(and still sometimes am) in pain, torturing and doubting myself, how much you have helped me with my mindset to see my value, my worth and to remind myself how f* powerful actually I am. Thank you for reminding us that the real power is already within us. May everything you give, returns to you 10x! All the best! 🍀

So so well explained!!! This is the reason why I always like to listen to male relationship coaches, as it always comes from a guy’s perspective!!

I'm in this exact situation right now. Randomly started a friends with benefits typa thing with my flatmate a few months ago and for a while it did feel like it could be more. But then he stopped coming over to me and I kept coming over to his room because I wanted to see him and I was scared of losing it. Now he pretty much entirely stopped checking on my or even texting me because he knows he's getting it anyway. I now stopped always being the one initiating it and now we haven't really seen each other in 2 weeks even though we live together because he's not getting his ass up to reach out to me either. It truly sucks and even tho it sucks I really learned a lot from this

Basically people need to flip their romantic ideals on their head. People have things backwards. They want the honeymoon phase first and up front, with none of the effort, and then expect to be able to shoehorn reality into these initial feelings and make things work between them and this person they are obsessed over. No, you need to do all the boring and hard work up front to find someone right for you, and then once you find this person that compliments you, that you can compromise with, that you can do all the transactional, obligational, leverage based work with, then the honeymoon feelings will come after. And they stay a lot longer if you do it this way around. Because happiness will come from being in a relationship with someone that works and meets your needs.

i overvalue our chemistry so damn much since 5 years, because i never had this with anyone else. this year i learnt and finally willing to let go of a man who chose another woman. i get it now, it hurts but i get it.

10:53 “I felt like there was no progression with you. So I didn’t feel excited in giving much more to this. If you want to keep seeing me you need to show me.”

Such a common pattern, too often made even worse by intermittent love bombing. Great video!

Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why all the games? Ugh.

The master of dissecting and breaking down social interactions

this feels spot on, started dating a few months ago thought everything was going great, she got scared put up a wall and has been pulling away while ive been giving, she tells me she wants balance but also i feel shes not putting in any effort to make time for me and i only see here on the weekends when shes free for me. its been an emotional rollercoaster but i dont want to give up on her so im slowly starting to pull back. it sucks that its like this i just want to feel wanted and connected.

These videos have a really stabilizing effect on me, even as a guy. I'm hearing things that one side of me argues for already in my head, but the other side, the needy side, can sound convincing, too. It's always good to keep the conversation with your rational side alive, it'll tell you some of these things and help you assert control over the only thing you can control all the time: yourself.

Txting kills relationships in my opinion. Nobody needs to be in contact at all times.

I just don’t have the patience for this 😂 , If they pull away and start dating others i just cut them off

I’m in the middle of this now. Its so easy to get caught up in this and its ok. I’m taking a step back and taking a breather so I can look at the big picture. Thank you for the realism! ❤

I finally had time to watch this whole video, as a single mom who went through a similar divorce and then situationship… this resonates …Matthew you are brilliant..

Yes, match his energy. By the time they feel " ready " to move forward again you won't even want him.

Attention is not intention… reality check right here.

It all makes a perfect sense on a rational level. But I'm not entirely sure how we apply it. We're not robots to follow the knowledge of the mind perfectly. It sounds more like we need a counsellor or therapist to go to at every tiny step we take in that process to release all those huge emotions. Is that what it's about? I can't imagine how people (who are not psychopaths etc) can do it easily just like that, e.g. back up if someone is not giving them enough, without emotional side effects like grief, sadness, anger, disappointment, loneliness etc, plus questioning our own worth in the process. This is not a process to go through alone, it could even be dangerous if one tries!

I'm likeable and sometimes I just think that everyone likes me because of that, which isn't always the case, so I tend to overshare. Something I know I need to work on. It's not a trauma response at all as I had a happy childhood and all my past romantic relationships were well-balanced, I just love telling people my life story 😂 And I just did it again with a guy I felt a connection with, still do. But he's pulled away. For many reasons unknown to me and we haven't spoken in about a month. I'm not chasing him, because I'm not that type of person, but you know when you feel there could have been something more but will never know because he's not receptive to your communication.

This is so true! It’s about being ok to walk away without making a fuss about it. My now husband was pulling away when we were dating and I backed off. He asked what was wrong and I told him that love triangles weren’t for me and it would be best if I step back while he figures things out. He completely changed after that phone call.

This is right on. Also I like that you explained what often gets called the “anxious-avoidant trap” in completely general terms, without involving attachment theory at all.

im usually the one pulling away.. for this exact reason too. people be giving me too much worth when in reality im insecure and feel like I don't deserve it. this leads me to feeling pressured into trying to do better and better for them so they won't lose that interest in me. i usually end up detaching from them. im currently going through this ..

Why did this come just at the right time... Before I watched this, I met with 2 friends who sort of gave me a similar advice. Thank you so much for this video, Matthew. It's really very helpful to me right now. I NEEDED to hear this. Sometimes, taking the advice of "just be yourself" or "if he doesn't make you feel secure, he's not the one" or "you just need to find a guy who would accept you for who you are" doesn't always work because what if what I am is anxious, needy, and needs a lot of reassurance, etc. meaning, I am toxic and needs a lot of improvement. No matter how good a man is or how sincere his intentions are, if the problem is with me and I don't work on it, the relationship isn't going to work. I like Matthew's advice on reversing the pattern because I did end up overvaluing my relationship with a guy and investing too much too soon. I did have leverage at first but in the end, I ruined it due to some other problem I am currently struggling with. I am trying to work on that and I hope I can and will! Trust issues really are the hardest for me to work on. Thank you again for this very insightful video, Matthew!!!!

I went through this. I had someone who was truly a good potential partner start to pull away and I managed to being her back by staying present but measured. But then I did the #3 thing and it completely blew up in my face. The crazy thing is it wasn’t my idea. I told my sister about my insecurities and she insisted I say something. And it didn’t work precisely because I didn’t have leverage yet. Also it probably didn’t even need to be said at all.

Plus it was a rebound, and it's a transition from a loveless marriage. Enjoy the moments as they come, I like to be present, come what may. Took years to get to this place. Happy being healthy.

Matthew, perfect clarification. That’s how I wrongly behaved! Well, hopefully I leaned for the next relationship! Thanks ❤

I am/going through a lot of shit...and trust me your videos are treating my mind and my soul...they are soo relatable!! Thanks a lot for this!!

Thank you SO much for this. I've been doing these patterns non-stop in my life and didn't realize what was happening. This completely makes sense and thank you also for saying what to do when you start going into those patterns. I really have to take a step back

This is exactly what I’m going through. After a hot and heavy start a few months ago (intense chemistry and physical intimacy), he has pulled waaaayyy back, but still wants to continue a (really frequent) platonic friendship. Says that I’m his closest friend and can’t talk to anyone else like he does to me. I’ve been trying to be “just friends”, but I’ve been gaslighting myself and am really struggling to detach from him romantically. I’m not sure that I can do it. He gets the benefit of my company/attention/love, essentially, while I get the anxiety/disappointment/heartbreak of holding a torch for someone who can’t/won’t commit to me. So hard to walk away when I’m so entwined, emotionally….

I really liked (lol) the segment about what someone “liking” you really means - could have a video all of its own. Great advice as always ❤

Best coach out there, I have stopped counting the amount of things I have learned from you. Quality content - a big THANK YOU!

There are many other coaches but your videos and what you talk about is most relatable...at this point I needed your videos exactly

Your explanation is so incredibly simple and clear. Thank you for your amazing videos ❤

This video came 30 minutes too late i just ended it......The first month was explosive. He persued me relentlessly and initiated the start of a committed relationship. Then after spending all our time together .....suddently the communication dwindled to almost nothing. He stopped inviting me over on weekend. I tried getting him to communicate more, he deiftwd further away, my texts went unanswered until eventually I ended it via voice note....he still never reaponded. That was the end of that.

Loving the uploads Matt. Well done with keeping frequent in uploads and content.

Mathew thank you so much for this valuable information. I'm going through this now and I will apply your advice. Words cannot express how grateful I am for you. ❤️

I love the discussion about placing too much value on one area. And how to rethink that. I also love the discussion on leverage because it’s some thing that used to sound distasteful to me but I do get it now. That power exchange and power dynamic is definitely a part of sociology. We’ll be advised to learn this.

THANK you for this. To keep it short, I would say this video is helpful for the START of relationships as well, as it deals with intentions, investment, and matching the energy of the other person. I'm glad you have the transcript & glad I watched/read this 😀

Matthew, your conceptualization of all of this is off the charts good - AND your detailed micro approach is never tedious nor laborious but engaging and understandable . . . THANK YOU 🙂

So thankful for you Matthew ❤

Men that are sure about you don’t pull away. If they do, let them go and keep yourself available for a strong and sure man. It is more than likely he’s an emotionally unavailable man and they are a waste of your time.

I need to applaud you in your delivery on this serious topic. One of my toxic traits is defensiveness 😬

This video found me exactly on time! Thank you, Matthew! You are blessing for me! I wish i had this information 20 years ago, but I promise myself to use it from now on. It was that second that absolutely flip my way of thinking 💡Thank you! ❤️🙏🏻

literally talking about my life thanks

Hi Matthew, thank you for the eye opener video. This happened with my current ex boyfriend, we were having a great time and both investing a lot of time towards each other. We were together for over a year, we broke up, then got back together. The second time we got back together, there was no leverage to move forward. I felt like I was the only one giving my all into the relationship and he took. He did not give anything accept whined and complained. There was no solid foundation for something long-lasting. I think that was the problem; you're video really helped me understand what went wrong, thank you.

Not sure I agree with this idea of 'Leverage' - that to me sounds like power. And the one painful sticking point that has hurt relationships since time ad infinitum is this idea of power over another person. You want deep love and someone pulls away? Then start POURING love into yourself in their absence. And don't be afraid to ask what's happening in their head early on if you sense a pull away - stop playing games and just ASK. If they aren't the right person for you, that clear and loving communication will scare them and good. And they are, that will only cement the relationship. Can we stop with the leverage / power / whatevers and start relating to eachother like... idk... adults?

3 part pattern Part 1 Overvalued something Intense chemistry Put them on pedestal Part 2 Give way too much He wasn't making it important He was given way too much without needing to give back. Out of balance They can like us but it's not intension Part 3 She gave so much He didn't need to do much. He does less and less She exerted control in the Wrong way. Bad control is not over the right things. Desperation, we don't have leverage. Leverage is asking for something. All that happened to me! That relationship is gone. Too bad I let him play with my boobs. Now I feel like the boob! 😅

Wise ideas from a humble guy… love it!!

That leverage thing makes so much sense!

so so good. I used to watch you years ago, and I could sort of tell you were sort of, I don't know how to explain it, but you seemed just different, it didn't resonate. Maybe because you were so young..i don't know, but NOW I just love how deep your assessments go. it's BEYOND dating, it's about self-examination, personal development...and then the bonus is the relationship, it's like love from the inside out. Holistic. LOVE IT and LOVE who you have become. Thank you and congrats on the engagement Matthew.

This is amazing advice even in a non-romantic relationship. Thank you!

I feel like overstepping boundaries could also be addressed here? If both people seem really into each other to begin with, but one of them invests too much in the early days e.g. planning children, engagement, buying a house together, etc which are all GREAT thing's for a relationship but on the 2nd date, it's not very realistic or comfortable to be around. If that happened to me, I'd feel uncomfortable and thinking this is not so much about me as their idealised version of the early relationship. Whatever their motivation is e.g might be excessive loneliness, poor sense of self worth, etc not necessarily anything malignant,. it's not based in reality just yet. A healthy relationship will progress through healthy stages naturally, however if one party is over invested too early on, this is a red flag of poor boundaries, and the other person may instinctively pull away, even though they really initially liked the person, because it's too much too soon. Hope that makes sense.

Brilliant! Completely in denial of my anger, not cognitively but in my body still, have released some but my therapist tells me “you have to get in touch with your anger” for some of us that’s real difficult

Love how you explain things , it’s all about the timing ! Thank you !

Matthew it's incredible to see your progression and the development in the depth of insight and understanding that you share through your work! (former high school teacher - can you tell?) Really great content as always.

This video is a mental paradigm shift for me .. I am thankful beyond belief for you .. thank you 🙏

Aap bohot influence karti ho...aap us choti nacchi ko itni umeede deti ho jitni koi nahi deta ...thank you❤

This is beautifully put,it hurt but its the truth. Thank you.