What I've noticed about abusive people is that they pathologize your reactions to their abuse no matter what those reactions are. Somehow your reactions are always the wrong ones in their eyes. No matter what you do whether you silently tolerate their abuse or you get angry and fight back or you try to leave them or whatever, abusers somehow find a way to turn your reactions against you and paint and label you as the broken one, the mentally-ill one, the weird one, the oversensitive one, the crazy one, the weak one, the messed up one etc. In their eyes, as a victim, you are wrong for ANY kind of reaction.
Agreed. They need the dance macabre to feel secure in their victimhood. They are a program that seeks to impregnate others with their faulty program. If they don't have this, they cease to exist.
@@insomniacat0088 I remember my narc ex blamed me for "quitting" the relationship and walking away. I left because she cheated, lied, manipulated, whole nine yards. I was baffled that she could even come to that conclusion.
You just flipped a switch of understanding in me. The soldier analogy explains exactly how a victim of narcissists end up with c-ptsd, much like a soldier. You are forced to become someone you're not, which makes you question who you are.
This is exactly what happened to me the last time I stood up to the Narcissist. I called out his behavior ...he began shaming me and raising his voice. He then started bringing up how I reacted to his yelling and shaming in the past because I didn't back down. He then accused me of being abuse. He doesn't like being criticized but does it to us and when we expose this he says we are being abusive.
Danish this is so accurate. I am personally done trying to fix anything with my narcissist father. I didn’t ask to be part of this dysfunctional family and to become their scapegoat. None of them are trustworthy and they therefore have lost the right to ever speak to me again as I work on healing. I’m done with my father the narcissist and his family. I’m not at the point where I feel safe yet but I’m working on it.
What you have said could have been also written by me. I'm nearly 60 yoa & hopefully you are half my age so you can actually find life enjoyable sooner than I...
@@keithstewart7514 I’m turning 56 in a couple months. I wish I figured this all out long ago. No matter what I do for that man all I get in return is his betrayal.
@@keithstewart7514 i don´t think it´s ever too late to get your freedom and find happiness. I´m in my 30s right now and i still wish i figured it out sooner...
@@Morpheus-pt3wq no argument there. I have a cash flow issue blessed with a little house on a good sized lot, Health issues, even my Blazer doesn't have 1st or 4th gear... But I'm free, isolated, 9 months woke to the Famdamnly narc thing. Still Blessed and may God help the child who had a single parent like either one of Mine...
Once I know a person is abusive, I immediately have to remove myself from engagement and/or have very little communication with them. If the bullying and manipulation continues, my eventual reaction is extreme and instantly regret the person that I’ve become.
The first step is to accept this is actually happening. It is. That person is deliberately using every vulnerable thing they know about you to push you down because they think it makes them bigger than you. They do actually think it is your job to make their life smooth. You are actually still an empathic person and that other person has made you their enemy for no reason. Hope this statement validates you. Deep breathing. Learn some boundaries. Be gentle with yourself. They cannot make you bitter even if they provoke you to anger sometimes. 🌺
Wow! Amazing content! I would shut down every time my ex would twist things on me. I couldn’t believe he would blame everything on me. When clearly he would push my buttons and act as if nothing was happening.
I do appreciate what you bring us on today’s video! I sometimes question myself if I am becoming narcissist! Specially if you’ve been subjected to narcissistic abuse for decades, they inoculate their poison aka venom in our blood, like vampires! Vampires 🧛 that’s what is synonymous of narcissism.
Truth! I've watched how my mom turned first my brother and then my eldest child into a violent, hate filled narc. And I managed to change the course for my child by getting away from her. Narcissist abuse is how narcissists are created.
@@jbrown2908 of course not. Between the severity, the nature and the timeframe of the mistreatment and the individuals various innate responses and social supports and on and on as detailed as you'd like to go, there's many ways it'll effect them or won't. But I do think it's true that if you look at any narc's history you're extremely likely to find these behaviors and thinking patterns developed while under the control of a strong narc, especially during childhood. Just like a vampire doesn't turn everyone they bite, so too does a narcissist not turn everyone in their lives into a narcissist.
@@jbrown2908 oh I agree! I think the pushback though is coming from the good change in society where we resist the idea that people aren't able to change and the cop out that calling it genetic allows for. However I agree our genetic predispositions play a HUGE role as do our gene expression due to lifestyle factors both in development and current. If they didn't I'd have turned out just like so many of my family members. It's my genes that caused my sensitivity (I'm an hsp and so is my dad) which then caused me to have to go the route of overdeveloped empathy and lack of sense of self to survive the narcissistic behaviors of both of my parents. The main reason, imo, though why I didn't turn out like my dad was I had support from mental health professionals who showed me that empathy was a tool and not a weapon. I use that analogy because my mom very much thought it was one and actually gave me what she called "adulting lessons" as a teen where she actually attempted to teach me to be a narc like her because she believed it would make me "successful." Sorry so long, I'm watching the doc on prime "Generation Wealth" and the intersection between our genetically developed drives and instincts and "modern society", it's problems and precarity, as well as the future and how we can reshape it to work for us and the planet as a whole is, for lack of a better term, my calling. I'm still at a very early stage (lots of MH and physical health struggles up to now) but I'm working on a research project I plan to turn into a sorta handbook for the next 100yrs to get there. So I Really like talking about this stuff 😆
It's the "fleas" he's talking about. They infect you and are like a form of flashback from drugs. When it happens you feel terrible about doing it and your psych will reset itself to normal in your subconscious. They are like ticks once they surface and your subconscious mind gets them out from under your skin. THEY will be gone and you will be you again.
Thank You! 💥💫💯! Anger can get built up over time and then you are finally backed into damned if you do and damned if you don't situation, a distinct feeling. If you react in any way; you are the problem. The 4 responses kick in until you free yourself by loving your own self.
thank you Danish . you did it again 👍🏼 i used to react in ways that i couldn’t believe. i thought if i yelled louder or broke something she might be surprised enough to STOP.. but it truly just added fuel to the fire 😞 . i became someone i didn’t recognize. blind compliance was my only tool to try to bring anything like peace to our relationship.. but i fiannly broke free. no contact is the answer …. as super hard as that is . thank you again. you are helping so many Danish 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
You've Decoded narcissism in very detailed you Mastered this topic it'll will great for those like me who have suffered though such a brutal condition. Thank u man.☮️💟☮️
This information is of the utmost importance for anyone who has been abused by a narcissist to understand. It is also helpful for anyone who is attempting to assist the abused person as well.
I wish every people helper out there would get training in reactive abuse and even watch this video. Because that would stop so many of them being used in Triangulation to double gaslight you when you just want help.
@@shelleyd9910 You are right on the money there!!! Unfortunately, what you described happens too often to those who have been traumatized by a narcissist. Not only the gaslighting but the smear campaigns that can follow on the heels of it all.
I cut my limbs off so I could heal. That was the desperation of my situation. Never looked back & never will. I am now in a stage of being grateful for their lesson of self-worthiness. I have zero shade to the old chapter now because I turned the page for myself. It was hard, yes, but rewarding.
It broke me that I slapped him and threw his things on the street after he provoked me on purpose. Im still broken because of my reaction. Im more busy with what I have done to him than what he has done to me. Cant get over it!
If I do that he would kill me for sure.He is very dangerous thank God i am not there ,still he is opssesed with my life so i dont leave the house ,last time he pulled my hair and slaped me.
Your Information I'm able to relate and Share this experiences Danish Sir Thank you your Right after awhile aggressive behavior shows up Danish Sir I'm able to hold my Head up high ✨️🙏💫ppl Some Therapist don't understand this Narcissistic behavior.
🙏thank you Danish. It is a delicate topic. Because in normal life and normal interaction the reactive abuse is not ok. But I admire your courage to be so outspoken and say it so blunt. Like they are about to emotional murder. Because that it really how it feels. Standing on the edge of a kliff knowing the narc has no empathy and doesnt hasitate to push you over the edge. And then also use your reaction against you. It is just mindboggling how a person can go so far. The work your doing helps. And to the others take care of yourself and show empathy to yourself. You deserve it 🙏
Never become like the narcissist. That’s exactly what they want. They’re evil and they want you to become evil and miserable like them. Misery loves company.
It took me until I was in my 60's to figure out what a narcissist is. If I had known earlier, I would have cut off my entire immediate family except for my precious father. He was the only good, kind and loving family member. In my whole life, he never disappointed or hurt me. Both of my sisters thrived on chaos and hate. For decades I was blind to the depth of how disgusting they were. I'm glad they're out of my life now.
Reactive abuse is just the 3rd Newton's Law (EVERY action has an equal and opposite reaction) applied in psychology. In this case, the victim will find a way to hurt the narcissist in every way possible. I don't agree with the notion that "healing is the best revenge to the narcissist" because they simply don't give 2 shits about it. Εven Jesus Christ said something similar to Peter when he drew his knife and cut off the ear of a soldier who tried to arrest his teacher. He told him, to put the knife in his case, because "knife you have given, knife you will receive", meaning whoever uses the knife, the knife eventually will be used against him (or her). For me, true healing can not occur without taking revenge for all the shit they put us through. Some of us even lost our jobs because of all the brain fog their abuse caused us to fill our brains with all sorts of chemicals, and they expect to get away with it so easily? Hell no! Also keep in mind, when you let them get away with it without harming them at least equally, they will do the same to the next supply which has absolutely no idea with who they are dealing with. No! What victims should do is exploit every vulnerability, and every dirty little secret you know, and use it wisely against them. When you expose them at the right time when they least expect it, then they will experience the "narcissist collapse". When this happens, they will withdraw from every social interaction, and stop going out and posting stories about how amazing their life was after you got discarded. Surely they will suspect that it's you behind all this (probably their exes didn't have the balls to retaliate), and text you and call you with accusations about "how could you say those things for me". Thats the part when you should gaslight the shit out of them, and give them a taste of their own medicine. (Make sure you will have leverage before retaliating). You are welcome.
@J Brown Most of us survivors have spent months, and some even years "spending energy" trying to figure out what exactly was going on. I don't consider it a loss if someone spends a little time to give them a lesson that they deserve. Patience, kindness, and empathy have its limits.
@nmuphelps1 Ofc you will ignore them. I see perfectly. You can combine co-contact while in the same time expose them to their support system, but only if you have leverage. This can not be applied to all situations.
My adult narrc kid. He terrified me for many years. He wantedto totally destroy me. Finally, authorities escorted him out. I broke all contact for a couple of years now. I'm so done. I pray for the moms to not allow your kids to abuse you any longer. Please get the help you need and follow through. You will thank yourselves for it !
Dear Danish,you make me make sense,finally. I WAS gonna react exactly Like HIM .!! How sad for me,I thought I was pragmatic,it does not fit me,I don't like to be that enraged,it's scary & You showed me a meaning of WHAT I was going through !! I prayed hard NOT to turn into a monster like him. God said so. Your guidance is explicitly refreshing & hits the nail on the head,I need that,I CAN forgive myself. !! Ok,pray for him,hand him to God,who is all knowing,& I am not,He can salvage this monster.,I pray to go on a healing journey,instead. Thank you. All this help & insight from you ate helping millions. God Bless & peace be with you.❤☦️
This just happened to me yesterday. My husband beat me so badly I had to go to the hospital. Now I'm considering my options going forward. These videos have made me understand him more, but none of his actions and consequently my reactions are acceptable. I don't know what the future holds and that part terrifies me.
You summed it all up. I was tortured and pushed to limits until I became him and felt disgusted with myself. I knew I was doing it with full intention, and that was the only way to survive the madness. He used all those moments against me to prove that I am a narcissist. I accepted full responsibility for all my actions unlike him and then, he didn't have anything to say. He was not expecting it. He left.
This made me cry. Everything you said true. Everything! My conscience is not beating me up as I said nothing wrong, but I have not been myself for years!
I really enjoy your video because you give us the insights of the cunning manipulative tactics that the narcissists employ to steal, kill and cheat their victim, in the day light. But yet, for some people the narcissists appear to be perfect and good people. Not many victims prepare to expose them because most of them are in the position of power that can decide your life, your bread & butter. How’s sad in the nowadays society.
So very well explained Danish. This is when I noticed I could not reason with my now ex anymore. I could not take others advice anymore to “just stay away when he was angry”. I would hear him accuse me of yelling and realise I actually was. I was so sick of being told to “shut up!” that I talked and talked and talked out loud about what he was doing. Then the lie that “separation is evil because I am a Christian” suddenly broke. The answer is clear. CORE strength. Courageous to find out the truth and accept reality; Open to the Holy Spirit and wise others to help me see my blind spots; Responsible for myself and respectful to others without dishonouring myself; and Empathic to others without enabling destructive behaviour. I found Leslie Vernick but if you are suffering abuse Danish is so good at pulling this apart I hope you get his help. Particularly if you are a man suffering this. You cannot break reactive abuse patterns by yourself because you cannot see your own blind spots.
Nobody has done a video on the inappropriate reactions they have to your emotions. My ex used to do the most messed up stuff and act like she didnt know better. she was 45... she knew lol but the first time she made me so angry that I yelled at her, she literally burst into laughter. Hand over her mouth, she tried to contain it, but she couldnt. 'she was so happy that she could manipulate my emotions like that
Thankfully I can use pause. I need to use it often because I need time to reflect on the incredible value in everything you say. You have helped me so much and I’m so grateful to you for your videos. ❤
I literally lived and experienced everything you just described, absolute torture and I became a different person for sure. it's going on 5 years that I left hell on earth, I notice though I will still wake up at night with these memories that haunt me, it's getting better, also I have really come back but I don't seem to feel things the same way, I for sure feel like that child like free loving person is still hidden somewhere, I keep pressing forward hoping I am still here not a version of me all locked up. not sure what comes next.
I wish my daughter could understand this when she says her dad & I argue constantly that it's not really an argument, it's him saying stuff that he knows I'll react to & I react badly to it. Not an argument, imo!! I'm learning very slowly, to try to become less reactive. Funny that I'll get yelled at for walking away now, especially when I'm accused of ALWAYS walking away, because that's new for me. That's actually kind of funny. I'm sure there's many times when the kids were growing up that they heard me yelling & screaming, slamming doors, etc & thought I was crazy & unhinged. Because you know as soon as you get riled up, the narcissist calms down & even sometimes smirks. You can tell they love it! I bought a cheap braided jade bracelet to help me remember not to react, plus found a new therapist who really understands!
They cant and won't take a dose of their own medicine...ever. "Hey. You don't walk out on me I walk out on you.".....Lefty Ruggerio "Donnie Brasco" Movie circa era 1997
Danish Danish Danish Danish, I can't even stop my hate for them at this point. I'm just a human, only God could not hate them. I will actually go unconscious sometimes if I hear their voices for more than a minute. REALLY appreciate the help & advice on this channel, plus really nice, supportive community here, Thank You for helping us cope!
Just keep reminding yourself that you're not pathological. I've stopped beating myself up for acting like them and giving myself credit for how conscientious and decent I've been and that I've been the complete opposite of them. I was the youngest and they all set upon me the day I was born, I had them as my model growing up and they brainwashed me into acting like them and being who they wanted me to be, literaly fighting my dad to stop him teaching me his good lessons. Forcibly silencing him and twisting my otherwise solid mind with their deranged stupidity. Thankfully, he was amazing and fought back, driving himself to an early grave trying to save me from them and nurture my potential. I didn't understand any of this or that I myself was driving him mad acting like them until long after he was gone. I can't express how lucky I got in the dad lottery, and my life would be amazing with just his influence. But they distorted reality to paint him as abusive, when he was the complete opposite, and I will never forgive them for that. What I wouldn't give to go back and show him proper respect and admiration and thank him for fighting for me. I wonder if finally grasping these concepts will cause me to stop reacting this way altogether, if I ever break no contact that is. I've been retraining myself to stop acting like them and embracing my better instincts and whole new ways of seeing things which make sense to me and are far better than their toxicity. I'm allowed. I feel like Neo when he sees the Matrix code all around him.
Danish your truly the best thus is my story omg I so wish I could see you in person as my counselor I go to one but your truly number one on you tube ! 🙏❤️
In india It's illegal to use unlawful communication and surveillance in India right? One more question it's unlawful to use communication and servants in the United States of America right? 🇺🇸
It’s very easy to leave if you have a place to live with children. People have encountered further abuse at the hands of staff at the women refuges/shelter/crisis centres.
Yeah I was reacting and I felt something different she got under my skin and the whole control thing was pissing me off , I didn’t how to explain to her and every time I told I didn’t like how she was moving toward a toxic thing and she would break for a lil and go for worse and she would hide it with being a victim I think what blinded me was how she was a victim that I was super patient
Abuse is abuse. Every abused will eventually end up as an abuser if reactive abuse is justified. Actually this how a narcissist was created in the first place. He projects his pain on everyone he connects with.
This happened to me last year. So confused then the narcissist neighbour recorded the meltdown in the car when I was driving her to the shop . I sought therapy after I threatened to kill a co worker. 8 months later I am still a bit crazy .
Of course this is what narcs thrive on, and use against you. The 'noisy, upset, loud' person is 'wrong' and 'crazy' while they maintain a 'calm, cool, and collected' demeanor. Lol. But it's all a setup. So don't give them what they want. Grey rock, no reaction, etc. Sort of like the old 'don't feed the troll'.
That was a great vid, well all your vids are great. But these days im so angry around my friend unfortunately whom i live with and cant get out from after 10yrs. Everytime he behaves in his low, nutjob, manipulating ways it takes me weeks to recover from. Unfortunately he cant handle the silent treatment so hits me with another shit behavior when im trying to get over the first shit behavior. So my anger to his sad b.s. never calms down😞
This is exactly happened to me is my husband I don’t know what to do. I love him. I want to change him but it’s impossible. I I don’t know what to do to save my marriage.
Do they understand what they are done? Do they want it? How do they learn how to manipulate? I studied it but how they can use practically the identical sistem meanwhile they are different types of narcissists? What I means is that hey don't go in the identical school, so how is it possibly? I tray to understand it. Have a nice life.
Write down every bad thing they did and read it when you feel like you miss them.Be careful of the love bombing and don't fall for it, and stay strong and keep no contact.Know you deserve better and self respect won't happen when you're with a narc .Please don't throw your life away.
Break ups are difficult. The time spent together is always going to be in your memory. You can not stay with a narc because you will be TORTURED. God bless
