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When Your Wife Pulls Away, What to DO?

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How do you get her back when she says she doesn't love you? When your wife pulls away what can you do? I see a lot of advice out there for what to do to get your ex back or to save your marriage. But most of it is incredibly impractical! In this video I'm going to show you what you can actually, realistically do when your wife pulls away from you.
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Your divorce can either be the nail in your coffin, or it can be the catalyst you use to finally confront and heal your emotional wounds so they don't kneecap your relationships.
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Helpful Books for Divorced Men (affiliate links)
► The Full Body Presence - Gives gentle, accessible exercises for somatic processing of emotional pain and trauma amzn.to/3umFPkj
► The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time amzn.to/3F326IS
► Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself - Concrete tools and exercises for rewiring the brain and reimagining your sense of self and purpose amzn.to/3BaDyg9
► Legendary - Inspiration and a powerful perspective for stepping into your potential amzn.to/3H6ofsF
► The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture - Brilliant, in every way. This is an amazing resource for understanding yourself and your ex wife and finding the clarity or compassion you need to forgive. amzn.to/3UxdsuC
► Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Help - Intense and well researched. I would recommend this book when you are past the early stages of divorce and have a stable support system in place. amzn.to/3VNMOi7
I’m Rachael Sloan, Master NLP Practitioner, certified life coach, and the creator of Better Beyond Divorce. I've helped hundreds of men move past the shock, betrayal, grief and anger they experience both during and after a divorce, to a place of clarity, calm and confidence. I hope to help you do the same.
DISCLAIMER: I am a Master NLP Practitioner and personal growth mentor. The material in this video represents my understanding and experience and nothing more. This content is not meant to replace professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always consult your medical provider before making any changes to your treatment.
So your wife pulls away from you, what to do? What if your wife says she doesn't love you anymore? Or even that she wants a divorce?
It's true that women (and men for that matter) are attracted to people who are calm, confident and emotionally stable. We are attracted to people who are a secure emotional base, who make us feel safe and appreciated and needed without overwhelming us.
So much of the advice out there for how to get your wife back, or how to attract your ex, or what to do when your wife says she doesn't love you anymore It's based on acting like someone you aren't. You're supposed to act like you've moved on, like you don't miss her. You can't text too often. You certainly can't cry. Maybe your advised to not contact her for 30 days or to put on a show of being over it, and strong.
But what if you don't feel strong? What if you don't feel confident or calm? And what if you definitely haven't gotten over it? If that's the case you're probably feeling anxious, angry, sad and afraid. I don't care how good of an actor you are, when you try to show your wife or show your ex that you're okay it's going to be in authentic. And that means it's not going to work. If you feel like you're losing your wife, you're going to need something a heck of a lot more powerful.

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25 июн 2021

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Комментарии : 30

@Regalia31 3 месяца назад

Thank You for this video. I am currently going through a situation with my wife and she has lost all interest and made clear she has no interest in making things better. We don't argue and this totally blindsided me. Iam trying to rebuild myself and trying to figure out who I am afterwards. It is immensely hard and I want to take care of myself, but I still feel guilty of not making her happy.

@Leslie-es5ij 10 месяцев назад

Run, it's only a matter of time before she is completely gone.

@richardw7010 7 месяцев назад

Great advice! Only problem is it takes months or years to get to that, that's why pretending is the shortcut.

@wtbison 3 года назад

Nailed it! But this is not easy and not easy to maintain I'm back to finding myself again to be strong for her. You brought back things I had forgotten in the current rabbit hole we are going down. I so want to put things back on track and I get Jeremy's post but as you said they will see right through the fake and they will also notice when you lost confidence and trying to be what you were, Hence my current situation. So much good coming out of your videos , wish these were around 28 yrs ago , all i had was "women are from Venus and men are from Mars" -_- . Your videos would of stopped a lot of heart ache through the years and I would of been a better partner. Enough self loathing, IM here now and going to work on me so I can be better for her....and me. Thank you

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach 3 года назад

Yes! "Enough self loathing" That's perfect! Sometimes it really does feel like we have to pick ourselves and up and say, "enough is enough! Stop wallowing in shame/self-loathing/regret. I'm here now. It's time to accept that and love myself here and now". The way forward is always love. Self loathing is incredibly unproductive, but sometimes it is an oddly familiar or even comfortable place to be. I think it's because the primitive parts of our brains are so survival focused. They'll take uncomfortable and familiar every time, because familiar is safe. I like to imagine our ancestors in a damp, chilly, uncomfortable cave. They know that outside, maybe just a few miles away, is a beautiful oasis. Full of fruit and food and fresh water and warm healing air. Maybe some hot springs... But they don't know what's between the cave and the oasis. Maybe there's lions or other unknown dangers. So the ancestor figures, "Yeah, this cave is damp and chilly and uncomfortable. BUT I'm not going to die as long as I stay here. If I go out there... well, sure, maybe I'll get to the oasis but maybe I'll get eaten by a lion!" The primitive part of our brain still thinks in terms of life and death. Every anxiety or doubt is evidence of a potential lion lurking outside the cave. To get to self-love we have to take a long, hard look inside ourselves. And we'll have to go through and work with things that are painful, or that we'd rather forget or that bring up old fears, wounds and anxieties. The primitive brain would rather stay in self-loathing. Sure, it sucks, but it's familiar, which means it's safe. Just like the cave. If you step out of that, towards self-love, you might have to face some lions. But it is SO worth it. When you say, "ENOUGH!" you're telling your primitive brain to stop sulking in that crappy cave and trike out for the oasis. That takes courage! I'm cheering you on!

@waggoneer 10 месяцев назад

TLDR version, forget about the other person and get you S... together. They are repulsed by your neediness. Maybe you won't get them back, but you will be ready for the next one. If you try to fake it, it will fail and your next relationship will fail as well.

@guevara7E 20 часов назад

Thank you for the summary. Im currently going through a separation with my wife and have noticed she has been pulling away. What you summarized is exactly what I was thinking I should do throughout the day.

@trok90k 3 месяца назад

Do i keep reaching out to wife? Im really in a place where im ok with her giving me the cold shoulder. Doesnt trigger me anymore. I've done the work on myself and im happy with myself and is no longer in need of her to make me feel good. Im good either way. I just check on her daily bc i want to not bc i need something from her. I do vare about her. I want to know shes ok (good morning text and maybe a call at lunch). Shes real short with me and gives me one word replies. Is that the wrong move? Should i stop?

@wolfgangwild5182 2 года назад

This is a great video, Rachael. Extremely helpful indeed. Just happened to see it today when I opened You Tube, and it turned out it answered so many questions for me. I very much went all in on the "Seem confident and strong and kind of detached", mainly from the book "Divorce Busting". I could kind of do it in fits and starts, but mostly, I couldn't. The tone of the book, and other material as you mentioned, is that you *should* fake it, to make it work. It feels like a great relief to not have to do that, and be authentic, and accept all y feelings and reactions. I completely agree with coming to a place where you *are* self-confident and able to move on and be in a place of secure attachment. A couple of things I hoped you would say in the video (that would reassure me), and which I would love to get your. take on. Firstlly, I don't think (is it?) that the pain and sadness and loss and wanting come only - or always - from a place of insecure attachment or clingy anxiety. They can also be (and I think are) appropriate and healthy emotional reactions to loss, expressions of grief. As many people say, a seperation or divorce are like a death, and grief is there. The second thing is that its ok for that to take as long as it takes. I totally agree with you about being in that place of recognising that our previous choices are pefectly reasonable and make perfect sense, being in that place of self-acceptance and secure attachment - that is a wonderful and very healthy place to be. I took away from your video - and I imagine that this was not a message you intended to give - was that I needed to be that, and that if I am not yet - then I am doing it wrong. In other words, I have found it hard over the year to "get to" that place. I think not because I am not that - and of course I can become more that - but because the grief and pain has been so overwhelming. I have felt sometimes like I am "doing it wrong" because I have felt that grief and pain. "Why can't I just be entirely secure in myself yet? I think I *am* but then why am I so sad and upset in such pain?" - that''s been something I have asked myself - and accepting the sadness and pain, rather than seeing it as an indication that I haven't managed to not feel it (as it were) and that I *should* be able to not feel them. What's your take here? Thank you Wolfgang

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach 2 года назад

Hi Wolfgang, I apologize for my slow response. I've been travelling and busy coaching and am quite behind in my comments here. This is a great question. To answer your first question, I think you're right - pain and sadness don't only come from insecure attachment. They are perfectly normal human emotions. If we learn to allow them they also are excellent tools for releasing trauma from our nervous systems. One of my main jobs as a coach is to help my clients experience the full range of human emotion without judgement. Emotions themselves come and go. They are linked to thoughts (sentences or images in our minds). They are generally quite short lived. In fact recent studies suggest most emotions last about 90 seconds. Emotions aren't a problem. Yet most people don't experience emotions on their own, they experience being in resistance to that emotion. We feel... and then our brains begin to judge that feeling. What does it mean? Am I doing it wrong? What is wrong with me? Am I always going to feel this way? Will I never be happy again? How did I get here? And so on. That resistance is actually not a problem in and of itself either. If you become aware of your own resistance, that is a GIFT. Resistance, if we notice it, acts as a signpost to show us where we have unexplored fears or unhealed wounds. The goal of self awareness (which is really all that therapy or coaching are helping someone to achieve) is not to control or stop emotions. It is to help you recognize the resistance and see the underlying fear stories that your brain is playing over and over so that you can intentionally decide if you want to keep those stories or not. There is no right or wrong amount of time. There is no destination where you are always joyful and happy and never feel pain, grief or loss. And you can even keep the fear stories if you want to. There is no "should" here. There is simply the growing awareness that allows you to be more intentional about the meaning you give to your emotions, so that, if you choose to, you can experience them fully without adding on a bunch of extra pain or emotional drama that you don't want to experience. My goal for my clients is to help them develop the capacity to choose their responses to an emotion or a thought instead of feeling like a helpless victim to their body and brain's subconscious meaning making. Is that helpful?

@whoameye1 3 года назад

Loved the video. The inauthenticity, that's essentially impossible to hide, can make things worse as it's a form of deception and game playing. Being centered emotionally and responding to connection opportunities when appropriate is a good place to be. It's a process, and it seems like there has to be some room for a "fake it to you make it" mentality. What's your take on that?

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach 3 года назад

Also a great question Jeremy. And there is actually some interesting research on "fake it till you make it". "Faking it" can work, because we essentially fool ourselves. There have been some studies that demonstrate that when you feel overwhelmed or defeated but you square your shoulders, stand up straight and lift your chest, you actually begin to feel more confident. Likewise, smiling when you are down can help boost your mood. This works because the body and the mind communicate back and forth. It isn't a one way street. Our body is constantly sending messages to our conscious mind about our mood, our health, our safety and our environment. And the conscious mind is chattering back to the body about the same stuff. Physical posture or a smile sends "happy" or "confident" messages to the brain. Of course, there are other factors at play, but in this case "faking it" helps you "make it". So what about in relationships... it's absolutely a process! But I don't think faking it helps so much here. For instance, if you say something that makes me mad and I know that my anger isn't really your fault and that it won't help our interaction (but I FEEL it anyway), pretending I'm not mad isn't going to work. You'll be able to tell. Instead I advocate honesty. In this case, honesty would look like, "I'm feeling really mad right now, and I don't want to have this conversation out of anger, because I really care about you and about us. I need a little time to cool down. Can we talk about this in a couple hours?" One thing you could certainly try along the way is to "fake" curiosity. When we are grounded and emotionally centered, we can be genuinely curious and interested in another person's experience. And curiosity is a powerful and grounding emotion (it is actually an amazing counter to depression and anxiety!). So if you don't feel grounded but you glimpse an opportunity for connection, try "faking" curiosity. Get into it with your body. Lean forward, ask questions. Shut up and listen to the answers. Pretend that the most important job you have is to understand what the other person is saying and how they feel. You can tap into the two way street of brain/body communication and sometimes "fake" your way into curiosity. This is a trick I've used myself, and it does work. It isn't a substitute for doing your own inner work, but it is a great way to snap your brain out rumination, defensiveness, anxiety or overwhelm. Brains like to have problems to solve and they like to learn. You can use that natural inclination to your advantage when your emotions are getting in the way of connection.

@rukayamuhammed8147 3 года назад

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@DrWiffel Год назад

Rachel- I just want to say thank you for your videos. I'm recently divorced, and they have a lot of helpful content. They have helped me understand a lot more of what is happening within myself and what I can do about it. Changes don't happen overnight. It's a journey, not a race. Thanks!

@Eisenhornn Год назад

Thank you

@hieug.rection1920 10 месяцев назад

That procrastination bit is interesting. “Why is procrastinating important to me?” For me, fixing myself means retraining a skill set for a complete career change. Old injuries mean I can’t keep doing this job. I don’t particularly want to do that while my wife is waffling on leaving me. I don’t want to go off and make more money or start a business that she would potentially have any claim too. I don’t think I could handle that. So I’m stagnant.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach 10 месяцев назад

I know for most of my clients that state of 'limbo' is the hardest. There are a lot of things you feel you can't do, because you don't know if the marriage is going to make it or not. Are you or your wife interested in any programs to work on the marriage? There are two I really like, with coaches I deeply respect, one for men and one for women. The men's program is Good Guys to Great Men with Steve Horsmon - goodguys2greatmen.com/goodguys2greatmen-live-coaching-roundtable/ The women's program is The Ridiculously Happy Wife with Laura Doyle - lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/ They both take similar approaches from opposite sides - teaching you how to make yourself whole, happy and confident first, so you can be happy in your relationship without being codependent. Maybe one or both would be helpful for you. If not, please know that you have a choice to - if you don't want to stay in limbo and are ready to move on with your life, you too can make that choice.

@randolphcapriata3695 9 месяцев назад

If a woman is separated or getting a divorce don't go back because if she say to u that she doesn't love u jus move on n get someone better because all women cheat because u can change a million things about yourself n she still won't come back

@edwardpraise9726 2 года назад

What can I do when all my wife think about me is a cultist and I practice witchcraft just because she keep dreaming and seeing me harm her in dreams

@JamesSmith-lo5ox 2 года назад

What do I do when my wife does not show me no love she's been sleeping on the couch she will not let me kiss her on her she does not show me no affection

@CaptainLeftHook 9 месяцев назад

Walk away.

@user-ru3ke7qk3q 4 месяца назад

The end is near.

@johnsantos3392 2 года назад

👌🙏👏

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach 2 года назад

Thanks for watching, John!

@aanrsshnsn 19 дней назад

Hmmm. Wow. I procrastinate quite a bit. And I think that I value the hope that’s in front of me to much to risk failure and loosing that hope. While i also don’t consider that I’d find much fulfillment if I succeed. I don’t get that far.