Who has more POWER in a RELATIONSHIP: three easy ways to make the determination 

Hello Psyhacks, can I yes or not, translate one of your videos into arabic (I keep english and subtitles and maybe add some images here and there), can you say yes or no please? I dont want to start the project and be denied after finishing it. I am interested only one ONE video for now, one in particular, not all. Thanks.

​@@badro7712just super chat him so he sees your question. Remember there are 124k subscribers

He opens with "It's the way it is" If power is the way that it is, then why are relationships failing so miserably? It doesn't make sense. If we follow what this man says to be true, then engage in power, then it's certain our relationship will fail. Why will it fail? According to him: power is just how it is. Know what else "is"? People aren't getting married. Fatherless homes. Over 50% divorce rate. 1 million babies die a year to abortion. And so on. So... if family and relationships are failing because that's just how it currently is, and power is also how it just is... then power is the problem, no? Perhaps if I look to Jesus. His number 2 commandment: Love your neighbor as yourself. If you're exercising power, you're not loving your neighbor. It seems that if we continue to listen to guys like this, then relationships will continue to fail.

Yes! I agree!

It depends. I issued ultimatums, I walked away, yet I believe I suffered more, at least on a short term. Sometimes the one which is more visible and with more options is the one which cares more in a relationship. Who cares about who has the power, as long as you deal with pain anyway?

@@Lilith-9223 I think he meant that the one with the power can walk away without feeling like they lost anything. Anyone can walk away but was walking away the pragmatic decision or was it just out of ego. In the former, you have the power. In the latter, you're just cutting off your nose to spite your face.

That's correct. And most of the time the one who got left behind didn't realize the power structure until they look around and they're alone. A lot of people keep the toxicity and drama going without any intent to change because they believe that they are their partner's best or only option.

@@Lilith-9223 If you were feeling pain and suffering when walking away, then the other person had power over your emotions / happiness.

Yep. sounds about right. probably doesn't even clean their cat box.

😂

You have been the best thing in this entire video + comment section 😂

😂😂

Ah yes, because your cat decided whether to have its sexual function destroyed... I know people like to say the "pets are really the owners" thing as a joke, but it always makes me a little bit melancholy to think about what it would be like to be in their place... I like my pets a lot, but they are just animals, and ultimately we are the ones who hold ultimate power over their lives and deaths.

That can have many meanings. Many are ruled by their traumas or dopamine hits.

Which is where this "hatred" for men with standards come from. passport bros? men vetting women? men saying NO to marriage. all men openly or quietly passing judgement/criticism on women. Which is why they hate them all with shaming language. "how dare you!?"

@@pitpitpit9948 My intended meaning is that in Western culture, it's currently acceptable for women to criticize men in general, but it's not considered acceptable for men to criticize women in general. In other words, men in general are ruled by women in general.

Everyone is allowed to be criticized, but not everyone can be defied

@@limitlesssky3050 No you can't criticize blacks AT ALL, even when they point a gun at your face

That's the right move.

@The Mick no offense, but did you not see the warning signs before you got married? I'm always perplexed by this because people with personality disorders, mental illness, or trauma can't really hide it for long.

She is for the streets.

Good man.

Bud, you'll always be #1.

Sadly true!

Love is often misconstrued in our culture. If by "love" you mean infatuation and attachment, then yes your statement is one aspect of the situation (there are more components). But a more fair, or perhaps I should just say different, definition of love is the capacity to care, empathize, hold space, and generally be supportive to another; that is a tremendous capacity which absolutely increases a person's power. The person which has it hopefully is aware of the tremendous gift it is and doesn't devalue it in their own eyes, and thus honors their own value and the value of their time, energy and attention. Two different definitions of love. The word love has become very ambiguous. Let's not lose sight of our goodness, especially when discussing transaction based concepts, the goodness is in us always, I see this transaction based talk as a way of being more aware of what transactions are happening as a method to be able to better act due to better information; not as a way of loving less, but rather as a way for allowing love to further thrive due to increased awareness and understanding.

You can love the most, but still be completely unattached. These men can not "love" these women, but sure as shit are attached to them and slaves to their lust.

Yes, that is another way of saying it. The way orion said it is, the person most willing (threatening) to leave has the power. Same thing.

Yes. It is the same principle for any negotiation.

Assuming that is indeed true, I commend you for keeping command, sir.

My friend’s (ex)wife used divorce as a chess piece whenever she wanted to gain upper hand. She did serve my friend one day after a particularly argument. My friend thought about it after retaining a legal counsel. He agreed to divorce. She was dumbfounded but she couldn’t undo it unless my friend agreed not to proceed. Now she uses the two children as chess pieces to drive a wedge between them and him and his family.

When I did that she tried to sleep with me and beg me to come back. I asked her about that years later and she said she wanted a back bone and I finally got one. I explained y ou should have told me this before I left as it was too late at that point.

@@33Jenesis These things have consequences. I let me ex-wife know this that when I said I was leaving I WAS leaving as I do not believe you play games like this with a spouse or an employer or anyone. Once I made the decision that is it and it is never a 1 time thing but a straw that broke the camels back moment. I hope she learned

Called her bluff

Correct. It's a superpower.

Exactly how I feel. I have NO options except I can be alone for the rest of my life with no problem.

We love Ugandan women in Kenya. Kenyan women are just typical western women.

Please make it a habit to actively talk with your fellow countrymen about these things and warn them against following the same broken pathway as the west. I sincerely believe the west is irredeemable at this point and that Africa and/or the Islamic world is gonna be the only hope for the continuation of the species. Learn from the mistakes of others or be doomed to their fates.

From Uganda too, the only difference is the lack of state interference otherwise it's the same. More than half of the people/ friends I know are in their second marriage with kids in the village with grand parents. I guess that makes it easier? Here in Uganda you can impregnate a woman and never give any help and no law will hold you accountable. I understand the laws being entirely against men in the west naye...

Who is testing more? What is that? Please don't tell me that's talking about who's testing the other partner more. Smh

@@neptunes297 yes I have to tell you what you do not want to hear. the person in power does lot more shit test

​@@neptunes297you can always walk away from people like this to find someone that aligns with your values. But lots of these people exist. Usually immature and emotionally wrecked people.

Wow you’re right. What a fucked up life lol Who wants any of that?

Imo, These 3 points are just corollaries from the point of the vídeo.

Trump taught me that one. The one who has power in negotiation is the one who can afford to walk away.

@@woodnymph3063 Been doing this for the longest time and it's by far the most effective way to find genuine people rather than their representatives. The thing you'd practice is avoiding attachments earlier on but give the other person every room to be themselves. The whole idea of controlling how a woman behaves or checking them every single time rarely works because you don't get to know the real person. After observing their character traits then you should look internally to see if they align with you own values. They say it takes most women at least 6 months to begin showing their true self. With this approach you can see things you like or don't like within 2 - 4 weeks. The more you observe and evaluate then the better you get at even weeding out some of them within days. If their values don't match yours, then walk and don't think you can change someone's school of thought which is considerably older than the relationship itself. And this doesn't apply to women only, it works well with men as well.

Exactly. I'm always vulnerable with people, but the moment they take advantage of that I just shut them out, because my vulnerability wasn't me showing weakness. I don't actually need them, I was just letting them know I'm strong enough to be open about things. I treasure the people who have shown I can trust them after all these years of vulnerability.

Sort of like a Secret Identity, huh? Well, if you have the Super Power, and you don't mind living in the Fortress of Solitude...

> I don't mind giving up [...] I can always snatch it back if need be. If you can snatch it back, have you really given it up? Let me restate in my own words what the other gentlemen and -ladies have said in this thread: I think it helps us to distinguish preserving your options (keeping power, being able to snatch it back) from enabling others to hurt you (being vulnerable, "giving up power" but not really).

@@jonaskoelker I don't always have to have the upper hand, ie power. When the other person abuses my willingness to compromise I stop compromising. That's my power. So yes, I guess I've always got the power. Unless I really don't. Then I'm outta there. So that's my other power.

You do, power to leave is one that should be exerted. Otherwise it's a game of manipulation which is probably not worth your time

@@jjbuzz9230the challenge is that some, very dangerous, manipulative people will actively wait until they feel they have enough leverage over you - then go full nuclear. In the end, if you get the attention of someone like that - and with folks like that - you literally have to have the balls to be able to walk away from your entire life, everything you built, and your name and reputation to be free. But that doesn’t mean you won’t even have to do exactly that at some point - because some people literally would rather burn everything down than let someone else be happier or have more than them. Appeasing them works, until it doesn’t. The really good manipulators can even present them getting what they want as you’re ’winning’ a fight they created. At which point they’ve not only gotten stronger, but you’ve wasted years making them stronger.

@@RU-vidhandlesaresilly I usually look for little signs which can hint to bigger problems and it works very well. if these goes unresolved, I quickly leave the situation. I go pretty crazy in analyzing people, I have to see them in every situation. My bar is set pretty high, I don't think these super self-centered and manipulative people can escape my observant eye

Glad I got milk for free without buying the cow in my last relationship hoping for more of the same for the next 10 years until I’m ready to settle down

NO THX! Well said

​@@lilbroomstick7914 for me settle down NEVER!!

@@lilbroomstick7914 Guys once the decide to settle down after having their fun are even easier to be take advantage of imo because then you are less likely/willing to walk away if the wife doesnt behave than before when you werent ready to 'settle down'. The mindset of 'settling down' is weakness, you should always be ready to grow and take risks, thats what makes a MAN

@@keith5517 it's not a belief. the law actually is incredibly pro wife and pro mother in most states. So much so that many women talk about "starter husbands" and "marry the first time for money" sort of thinking.

Your explanation is more reasonable, yes people who care the least have the most power in any given situation, if you have no desire you have no weakness. However, he is making subtle statements that the least committed is powerful, that is better to be less committed. no, commitment is not a desire or a want, being committed doesn't make you weak- actually it is the opposite, a committed person is generally mentally strong know exactly what they want and be able to overcome difficulties to obtain the biggest reward

Thank you, favorite comment, very underrated

Beautiful

Some people will also use the illusion of true love to get the other person to give, while they take. It’s a very common manipulation tactic. Being aware of the balance is important, to not get taken advantage of. Trying to manipulate or force someone into a specific power balance is always a fools errand. If they won’t see the value to themselves of being in a specific place/balance, they’re not worth the work.

@@RU-vidhandlesaresilly give it a rest, fear is what will destroy love. Obviously there is such a thing as being taken advantage of, but 9/10 you can tell from a mile away.

@@alexc1364 ​​⁠some people can. Those people tend to not need these videos. 😂

Real teamwork.

Many men in relationships “surrender” their power willingly. Never a good idea. Great message here

Does that mean trees have power?

@@ContinueWithThatStatement I believe obviously, the trees silently carry ALL the power lol... good point , well made

Thank you for the summary.

I disagree, an intelligent person doesn't treat you well because you have options, but because they love you and because you deserve it. A person having too many options may not be desirable for fear of his change of heart, or become self delusional just because many others desire him that he has the upper hand in a two person relationship

@@jjbuzz9230 News flash, someone always have an upper hand in the relationship. only a delusional person would think that both are equal in abundance and how they feel about the other person. Let's be real, a man working at a average job is simply invisible to majority of modern women in the west, do them men not deserve love too. Women do not want a man that other women do not want (herd mentality and preselection from old programming). Many men have experienced this directly, when they have nobody - women are not interested. The moment they have someone or abundance other women become interested. Attempting to argue this point is just silly, a man who has abundance not only attracts more women but it also keeps the testing, nagging and complaining to minimum. FYI, all this has nothing to do with intelligence, it has to do with survival. Women and men are set with different tools for survival. Also, a man who has options is not necessary "self delusional" in contrast to a woman. Because for most men to obtain abundance he has to put in a LOT of work (just to satisfy the hypergamy and looks).

​@@jjbuzz9230 The way you talk about love I'd assume you're female.

That is how they like it lol. But in reality every species it is the female that is the selector on her throne why the guys all compete. It sounds beta-ish but the female buck will watch the head butt, female hippos will want a fight and pick the winner, male birds all do the dances and the female picks the best dancer with the best feathers then mates for life. The lower 80% can all take a hike and die alone. Sad, but nature is cruel. Humans are no different. Do you have that McMansion, over 6ft tall, and make over 132K a year (top 20%)? If not then you suck plan and simple and she would rather remain single

Women don't have lower sex drive, they have lower sex drive for you.

@ axl100 No, all else being equal, women will on average desire sex less frequently than men.

@@axl1002 That's the truth.

@@timgibney5590 This theory men be spewing holds no weight in reality. Go outside, how many women are with the "winner"? Y'll need to stop living through these theories. Half the time I want to put a microphone in front of some of these females faces and ask "What do you even see in this man?" 😂 And you're out here talking about "Oh they fight and pick the winner"....WHERE? Women are not nearly half as strategic as men make us out to be especially when it comes to mate selection. If females were so strategic, they would play most of their cards right, but they don't. Not to mention it is mathematically impossible for that theory to be true. Women aren't remaining single because they want a top 20% guy. Women are remaining single for a plethora of other reasons that most men would not care to admit.

Karen! Will you grow up. I'm still gonna go out! (after she threw his keys out the window)

I would imagine that means your too close in power. too close to that "50/50" split that most women say they want. Because they can then use their emotional and sexual edge to get what they want when they need something.

Well, it isn't a battle for power 24/7. Once the power is defined, the relationship requires consideration and commitment. The person who holds power must be mature. So you need to choose your partner well before believing that you can change it. And if you are an emotionally mature person, it is better that you have the power.

@@Carlos_ChT I'm referring specifically to a scenario where the other person is constantly being controlling and challenging you if you have an opinion or idea as if the entire point is to prove that they know better than you regardless of whether or not they actually do.

@@anonymousanomalous9937 You're right. I misunderstood you. I thought you were referring to relationships in general and not to the specific case. And yes, I think it's better to leave a relationship that is in constant conflict.

This why traditional gender roles worked despite how much feminists want to cry it’s “oppressive”. I find that the relationships where the man is the dominant and the woman is the submissive work best.

example?

its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?

Her name is *Victoria Lee hess*, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

Poor bastard!

Historically, the church and other women kept women ‘in line’ through shame/ostracism/manipulation. The battleground was usually social venues and access to men through reputation. The law and other men kept men in line through violence/ostracism/manipulation. The battleground was usually around resources - jobs/money, opportunity, and access to women through available resources (and reputation). Neither of these is very effective in modern times, for a multitude of reasons - including both being neutered through threat of public exposure/shaming/manipulation/bypassing, and readily available ‘bypasses’ of traditional mechanisms. It’s all getting ramped up of course, to try to compensate, but it’s only working against a smaller and smaller portion of the population. that doesn’t mean it’s very effective overall on the whole anymore. For instance, it used to be a problem if your local community hated you. Now, it’s rare that there even is a local community. Or that people know who you are, in many cases. Hell, many people can still get food, income, sex, material goods, and income without ever being even seen by anyone except the specific person you’ve paired up with - and none of that transaction can even be seen or intercepted by local busybodies. There used to be community enforcing consequences for both sides if they didn’t do ‘the right thing’. Men had to ‘settle down’ and get married, or they’d be considered ‘of bad character’ and unavailable for promotion or marriage (unless they knew how to produce massive wealth). Women would be considered of bad character (and undesirable to marry or have kids with, and not protected by society) if they didn’t toe the line at church, had sex outside of ‘the rules’, got divorced, didn’t stay with the kids, were nasty to be around, etc. Which could, and often did suck btw. Lots of domestic violence (male and female), suicide, murder, etc. but hey, fewer divorces and less loneliness? 😂 For better or worse.

i would imagine a relationship is several different see saws. physical. social. mental. emotional. sexual. the "power balance" of the relationship is the average of all of them. most women have the edge on sexual and social ("I can't always get another guy") and emotional (it's their ju-jitsu) which means only physical for the men. So, it's no wonder that it's become a taboo to use physical power at all, especially on a woman. So, women on average have an edge on almost all of the seesaws, unless the man is exceptional. Which is why most women don't respect most men. Respect requires power. which means you have to be better than she is in one or more of the seesaws.

@@Ezberron I think there's at least one more seesaw: financial resources. In most relationships, men have the advantage on the financial seesaw. In the long run, though, this advantage often doesn't mean very much, because it can be neutralized relatively easily. A woman can co-opt a man's financial resources just by saying "I want a divorce"...and then BOOM, she's automatically entitled to at least half of everything he owns, and she didn't even have to outcompete him in the marketplace in order to do it. Have you ever noticed that when a man withholds money from his wife or tries to control how she spends the money he earns, people call that "financial abuse"? But when a woman does the exact same thing to her husband, nobody calls that abuse. It's the same with physical dominance...if a woman hits a man, most people don't consider that abuse and don't take it seriously. If a man hits a woman, it's considered abuse, and there are severe legal and social consequences for it. In other words, men exercising any kind of power over women is taboo, but women exercising power over men is condoned and even encouraged. This is all based on the assumption that women HAVE no power. Women as a group are essentially using their covert power to strip away men's overt power, and men are pretty much unable to fight back. Covert power is still power, and in many cases, it's superior to overt power. The idea that women have no power (or had none in the past) is verifiably false, and it's currently wreaking havoc on society and relationships. If you're a man, unless you can find a woman with a heart of gold who refuses to wield her power destructively or vindictively, you're fucked. Part of the way we combat this is by dispelling the notion that women are powerless victims.

@@Ezberron Oh yes, a relationship is most certainly a complex machine with many integrated asymmetrical systems. And they are dynamic as well. My seesaw analogy is only a crude way of explaining how balance can occur without equality.

@@Ezberronwhich is also why, in many countries, domestic violence is ‘acceptable’ to an extent. Or even normalized. Russia, most Spanish countries, etc.

@@kylemacdougall8355but who somehow convinced us that covert power doesn’t exist, or isn’t actually power? Often, it’s ourselves or our parents hah. Or society. And who says things like domestic violence are truly terrible, and also not a justified reaction in some cases? (While providing few or no alternatives). Same. The challenge is, if one starts rejecting many of these things, is the ‘natural’ alternative is…. Very, very concerning. Domestic violence is terrible. If no one has accountability to anything, and gets unhinged, and can’t or won’t leave/split, domestic violence is inevitable. A useful balance is better, but requires subjugation to an outside group or party, since fundamentally the most dangerous people are the ones who refuse to be accountable to themselves. The police provide that for most criminal situations (aka domestic violence), but covert power is almost impossible to see or control that way. Usually that control has been provided by churches and social groups. So things get unbalanced. Or fly apart.

why even mention this if relationships are the discussion

@@sbrooks904 The point is to not get into relationships

@@mr.e5791 Fair call; but for many people, relationships are what elevate life above the mundane. Each to their own. I love being single.

Likewise. Behavioral scientist and Director of Relationship Science at Hinge. Her discussion with Chris Williamson a few months ago was quite profound. Your clinical psychology experience, plus her data science insight, would be fascinating to hear more about. I'm intrigued by her comment you report, ""Behind every marriage proposal is an ultimatum." Please speak further about your recent session with her, Dr. Taraban.

Well, not really. Because an infant in a relationship doesn't have any other *option* than to be with the current parents. Moreover, such an infant us certainly *committed* to be cared for by them. It will surely not escape from home. So points listed by Orion Taraban as no. 2 and 3 are zero in terms of power of an infant. As someone aptly said, it is rather a cat that would match all three points listed here.

So for you, how did all this pan out years later? How well did it work and why?

Ya ok

Well said

I want to say you are wrong, I just don’t have any evidence to do so 😅

I would say everyone who wants to call all the shots in any relationship, even most casual and non-romantic one is highly unlikely to build really long-lasting and benefitial relationships. Humans are rather strongly wired for reciprocity, with small exceptions, so without it if someone only seeks to win the struggle power all the time it really shows and it really puts people off.

When a kid shows up (or the woman gets pregnant), like it or not someone is now very committed, and it’s usually the woman. That will dramatically change any power dynamic.

I think the COO is more of the day-to-day, but I get the point. Like the relationship between a CEO and COO

Using your logic, then single men would be the most powerful

@@elchucapablas We are not. We are not chosen. When you are a bf you have been chosen as the best mate she can get ... for the moment. She leaves you when she thinks she can do better or she starts outearning you or gets skinner.

They still have the power? Just depends if they feel that you're not better than the other they're gonna jump ship

@@Nbunasuis24no they don’t. Because codependency would cause them to need and chase after the one with less power.

One thing is for sure though - they’ll follow orders.