@anytime yes, I sure realized that the hard way. Mother wounds and Daddy issues show up in both sexes, and in ways that aren't always predictable, doubling the chances of falling into the trap. I don't have anything to back this up, but I would wonder if we might be more prone to be blind to toxic behaviors similar to our same-sex parent if they show up in a opposite-sex partner, even if we're conscious of the problems with the opposite-sex parent and try to avoid stepping in it; I imagine parenting roles play a big part in the dynamic too. Too much complexity, can't we just go back to what worked?
@@don-eb3fj Mother is responsible for mental and emotional health, father comes in play later, learns the child to behave/perform in reality, socializing and sexual scripts, how to be/behave as a man and a woman (yes, father teaches the daughter how to behave as a woman). Take out one of these (or both) + emotional/physical abuse, have uninvolved or over involved parents and voila, a recipe for disaster in adulthood. Parents are the first male and female role models in ones life. What you know from that period, you'll need it in adulthood. It doesn't matter what you want, you'll always find what you need, what is familiar to you - home. Pretty harsh stuff to swallow at the beginning, but as time passes, it sets you free.
@Anytime All very true, until we can become conscious of it, and even then there may be some howling void somewhere in there that sucks us back in. And yes an absent father (emotionally or physically) will leave a hole in socialization, career focus, romantic satisfaction, and probably many other areas. Without a template to follow, one has to assemble himself from "spare parts", hardly the best approach; although it may be better than following the example of a toxic role-model. Some who suffer these deficits are introspective enough to avoid the worst outcomes in some cases, but the odds are against and the costs charged against a full experience of life are high. I got lucky first time around with an amazing woman nothing like mom and stayed with her until her death. Second time around I "found mother" , and she damn near buried me before cancer ended the suffering for us both. I attribute that second relationship to looking for something "familiar" and being blind to the danger even after having had a better example, but if I can learn enough about my experiences I have to believe I can defuse that mechanism so I don't repeat the same mistake , when I'm finally healed enough to consider trying again. Thanks for your insight, it's definitely something to be aware of.
@@don-eb3fj "found mother" is such a hilariously accurate way of putting it😂 My first love was pure, but wild. Being young it was never going to last. She wanted to explore, she deserved to explore. The second time around I "found mother". Funnily enough with the encouragement of actual mother. After 12 lonely years it exploded in my face as I drew a hard line and demanded reciprocity. She is unwilling and unable. Homeless I now return to mother, only to find, I am treated exactly the same way. Ohhhh the dawning realisation that they are the same is harrowing.
I used to be a liberal feminist and fell into this trap. I was so brainwashed. I actually cringe at the things I used to say. I still believe in women's liberation, but my view on this culture of non committed sex has changed. It's harmful to all parties involved
Little sh1ts mirror you and give you exactly what you desire to drag you in. Then over time slight and subtle changes happen. If you're lucky and click on to what's happening you get the hell out of there.
Well said. It’s almost so subtle and slow (we’re actually being trained and conditioned to expect less and less) that it makes you wonder if you’re just being crazy, like they want you to believe.
Yep!!! You wanna hear what happened to me??! I have autoimmune disease and was in bed one night in severe pain. I had my heating pad on me, and he started whining (but like he was childishly mocking my pain) saying he needed my heating pad because his back was suddenly hurting. This is the first time I denied to give him what he wanted, and I kept my heating pad. Well!! This enraged him, and it shocked me that he was acting that way. But it gets worse. After sulking that he didn't get his way, he suddenly pretends to be asleep! His breathing was fast and I could see his heart pounding in his neck😳 he was still angry and for some suspicious reason, (that I'd soon find out), to be asleep 🤨 So all the sudden he thrusts up and then rolls his entire body over mine, laying completely on top of me! He was a big guy, way taller and far more weight than me, now squashing me, I could barely take a breath under his weight. I tryed screaming, scratching and clawing him, but he didn't budge .. somehow I was able to squeeze out from underneath him, thank God! I got out of bed, sobbing and scared and went to the living room. Within minutes I look up and now all the sudden, this big huge guy who can't walk without thumping the floor has slyly snuck without a sound out of bed and was now standing right in front of me, with a look like he could snuff me out!😮 He said " you need to come back to bed, NOW"! He stated that I knew he couldn't sleep if I weren't in bed next to him... 😳🤨 I refused and told him what he'd done, that he scared me and I wasnt about to go to bed with him. This enraged him, and of course he denied being awake for any of the whackadoo crap he just pulled... Then he went to bed. A few minutes later he came out and told me if I weren't coming to bed, that I needed to CALL him on his cellphone every hour to tell him that I'm not in bed yet!🙄😳 obviously I didn't agree to this demand, and he slept the rest of the night alone, as I stayed up on that couch, thinking how I was living with an EVIL WICKID person who serves a different God than I do! We broke up the next day. But not without another load of complete s*****show drama 😂 I KNOW I dodged a bullet by ending communication with him. Crazy isn't even the word for what he was😢 But get this!! 😂 He broke up with me and told me that I WAS TOXIC! LOL! That he had never been so disrespected by anyone like I did the night before! WOW!!? 😂 He tried coming back two days later to tell me that he didn't feel like we were broken up, so I reminded him that he thought I was toxic and broke up with me! Lol! If he thought I was so toxic why I'm the world would he try coming back, especially since nothing was reconciled? His response was hilarious!! He said "well, I just thought that I would just have to deal with you"! WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?!! RIGHT?? what did mean by deal with me, right?? He used to say like it was a joke that he was hugging my friends and family to see how big of a hole he had to dig... They all laughed, but now I'm wondering if it was not a joke! 😳😳😳
@@teenacurl4690 In the world we live in today. With folk been sued left right and centre for this or that advise. I can not advise you on anything with this. Which is crap. What I would say in my own experience I would ensure I kept my self safe and really switched on to risks that presented themselves to me. Then acted appropriately to that risk. Keeping myself safe lawfully to where I am. I went grey rock and eventually had to involve police in my situation. Just take care of yourself.
I think we’re attracted to people who are familiar and like us. I used to be attracted to arrogant, domineering men, just like my dad. I honestly think their overt traits spoke to my own narcissism (that I wouldn’t have courage to live out loud). Of course they mistreated me, but I invited that into life. Beyond childhood and youth, we hand pick these people. Perhaps there are exceptions and some walk in blind. But I think most of us, on some level, know what we are doing. Healing can be as much about confronting our own dark sides as it is about acknowledging victmhood.
Because a narcissist has no brakes. They go with their feelings, they dont check with their mind if something is harmful or beneficial. They are lawless. Thats why some people are physically attracted to them
I feel the connection we had was real but it was because it was essentially with myself. He was an actor and void of his own soul so he mirrored mine. He was into "self actualization, cycling, nature, veganism for the animals, mental and spiritual growth, full moons and sunsets" but i looked over and saw this blank look on his face every time there was something wonderful happening as if he was confused. I realized there was no joy.. He was hollow. Thankfully I am an empath and got out after a few months. But when you think this is the person you have held off for your whole life it's pretty painful nonetheless. My heart goes out to all those who have been love-bomed and discarded! May we all become better people for going through this.
I think it’s likely that someone is attracted to narcissistic women/men because their self identity, gender role, and core beliefs were shaped as a child around a narcissistic parent or influencer. It wouldn’t matter what gender they are (or if they grew up in a cave without access to consumer capitalism), this dynamic of attraction would persist until the underlying beliefs, core identity, and socialized roles that formed this attraction were addressed and transformed. I agree that the underlying human desire is connection, authentic vulnerability and intimacy.
Well said, I agree they're the catalysts for our growth. We instinctively know that until we're aware of and embrace our own sovereignty and connection to higher source energies, what we are drawn to consent to consume and partake in and why, we'll repeat these cycles. It's our M.E.A.T. 🥩 (money, energy, attention, time) being bartered and we need to be aware there's hungry wolves about that'd have no qualms taking the lot so it's up to us to draw lines and know our limits. But us Aussies 🇦🇺 never mind tossing another prawn on the barbie for like minded souls that reciprocate in kind.🔥🦐🔥 To be truly seen, heard and understood we need to know and validate ourselves faithfully in this way from within so we can more capably and synchronistically connect, engage and disengage in healthier ways that heal and grow us rather than toxically attach to externals to our own and other's detriment. I love how you word things to capture a topic's essence, avagooday! xx 🌟💞😊👋
@Bright Star That’s certainly the major element in the individual’s early adaptations and shouldn't be overlooked, I know from my own self-analysis how causal those relationships are. Those victimized in childhood develop the traits and characteristics that become a mechanism of "natural selection" within society, which devolves to cater to maladapted attitudes and needs, and continues to exert influence on the next generation, creating a feedback mechanism that "deselects" for healthier systems of support and increases its influence exponentially with each generation, poisoning the soil of society until true human nature has no habitat to thrive in. Also, do not dismiss the "designed obsolescence " aspects of this landscape, the canvas on which the complexity is painted; meta-historical evidence suggests a a clear devolution from our hunter/gatherer root cultures beginning soon after the last ice age ended with the advent of agriculture and animal domestication, the first walled cities and the adoption of hierarchical organizational structures; these evolved to become customary, then dynastic, ideologies formed to ensure the "continuity of government", and manipulation became an inseparable part of societal institutions across the board. For examples , consider the "Divine Right of Kings" doctrine, the rise of Empires and monotheistic centralized (State-sponsored) religions, trade guild systems, the practice of primogeniture, etc.and the further evolution to centralized economic systems and ideologies like fascism, communism, and yes, consumer capitalism , the third horn of the beast. In modern context consider the work of Edward Bernaisse in adapting Freud's research to create modern marketing, the creation of public/private central banking systems such as the Federal Reserve Bank system and the replacement of commodity money with paper fiat currencies, the influence of "Colonel" Edward Mandel House during the Wilson Administration (look into his private papers for a look behind the curtain), the resultant Great Depression and the response of the FDR administration to essentially socialize EVERYTHING under the Social Security system. The devolution to centralization and further domestication of Man continues through globalization and NGOs like UN and all its appendages, and Corporate guilds like the WEF. Our ability to "progress" has out distanced our ability to adapt; physiologically, psychologically, socially, and spiritually, we have built a world we cannot thrive in, and the problems Richard described are an urgent warning, a flashing red light that has illuminated because we ignored the canary in the coal mine generations ago, thinking THIS TIME we'll get away with it. "Civilization is a parasite that always kills its host" -John Zerzan I welcome thoughts on these matters and hope that something in this post will be helpful to someone . Nihilism does not equal Fatalism- it isn't too late to address this, not quite yet. Thanks for your time and attention. "let a thousand nations bloom"
@@don-eb3fj Thanks for sharing Don, that's brilliant and a tonne of food for thought right there! I guess the question is how to match adaptation to the rate of progress without turning the power off, pulling the plug 🔌 or pressing the button 🚨💥🌏 and starting over from grassroots? How to put a more adaptive theory of evolution into practice in meaningful ways so it heals more than harms over the long term? I'd say it starts with educating parents and the education system to take more of an active role in calling out any higher up bs nonsense and making pathways for change that support children to not only meet milestones but proactively expand their horizons through active listening, observation, creative solutions and facilitation of values, ability, opportunities and experiences best suited to the individual and/or group concerned. Trouble is most ppl are unaware of their level of 🙈🙉🙊 and all too comfy, familiar and complacent with the status quo as it is till they wakeup to reality via some personal experience that devastates them and opens their eyes to the truth of things. Jesus was a nationalist ... Religious nationalism, or the fusion of religious and national identities and goals, is an increasingly salient aspect of nationalism. Rather than secular nationalism simply replacing religious identities and allegiances, religious and national identities might spiritably coexist and even beneficially reinforce each other inclusive of cultural differences once you lose any useless aspects of dogma and ideology that have become obsolete or dysfunctional. People perish for a lack of knowledge, faith, and from an over reliance on externals. May humans become more like the good and wholesome bacteria in probiotics than the toxic, parasitic kind. I get myself in trouble at times discussing religion, politics, science and the like but at least I had a go! 😅💖✌️
Maybe Rumi has the answers we seek? "I am a painter, a maker of the seen and the hidden. Every day I shape sublime forms. And then, when God comes to view them . . . they and I melt away in Him. Every phantom knows it lives in my kingdom, and if I wanted, I could make anything vanish so easily from any distance, like wax in a flame. I am both mingled with all and also magnificently sovereign. This dual state of being and not being are tides... I let ebb and flow. There is something to be said for anyone who sits alone with dignity and silently begs for God. I am the partner of every affection and act. I am the only one who is truly guilty, and I am the most innocent at the same time. In once finding myself so desolate and empty without the Beloved, He finally took pity on me and filled me with Itself. His brush and all His paints were then, of course, mine. 🎨🖌 I now use them to draw a map to the self, so I am, we are, never lost." ~ Rumi I am the sky. As within so without, as above so below, as the soul so the world, as the spirit so the universe, the detached watcher, the silent seer and wayshower of the timeless now. Take an axe to the prison wall, crack heart-minds open. Escape. 🔗⛏️⛓️🎨🌏🖌️💞🕊️✌️✨Infinite love and gratitude. 💐💖✨
Yes it fucking hurts!! When he told me…I felt like I was having a heart attack. Couldn’t eat for days. “But it’s different with you baby!” “It’s just sex! Men need it. Woman are not made the same. I come home to my one and only and hold you. You’re the only one I want to take care of” SOUL CRUSHING So disgusting. It’s mind blowing how people actually believe that once you have truly committed and have given your entire authentic self to you, it wouldn’t completely devastate their nervous systems hear that you share your most intimate times with others too…. What has happened to humans? This is twice now for me. Finally learned! 🤪 and Never again. Relationships, I do not need ever again!
The main reason is that the narcissist and the co-dependent where created in the same environment. That is in the dysfunctional toxic family dynamic. Exposed to feelings of powerlessness and «enmeshment» from dysfunctional caretakers ( both narcissistic and enablers). I advice all that read this to take a long hard look at your favourite porn and fetishes. It’s often sett in settings that replicate narcissistic sexual dynamics. The « narcissistic sexual stare» , and so on. Quitting porn. And quitting sex, where there is a focus on narcissistic power dynamics helps to turn the attraction down. The brain needs « nudges», to turn the attraction down and to see the red flags. Over time the cues that the brain thought was « hot/sexy» becomes a red flag .The body adapts and sense danger/predator, that is the " fight, flight responses" are activated in the body. And the mind more cleary say " this person is toxic i need to disengange". Where before the mind said " this person is sexy/exiting/chalengeing/special/smart", it now say " this person is acting/mentaly disturbed/entiteled/self obsessed/manipulativ/mirroring/fakeing" Also quitting alcohol/drugs makes the red flags more easy to spot, if you are socialising/flirting
In my opinion, we are attracted to what we are familiar. My father had it and subconsciously I was attracred to NPD males, because subconsciously I wanted to prove myself I gain the loved my inner child needed and heal the narcissistic injury. Truth is you are heal when you realize that you trapt into a toxic cycle and the only way to break free, is recognize you hae an issue and work on it. Btw you videos are amazing!
On the contrary my experience is different (not that I'm negating your experience in any way shape & form 😊). I grew up in a very Catholic household & culture where sexual suppression was rife. I always felt since was early teens that there was something darker in me (I know realise that was just normal healthy sexual expression trying to come to the forefront). I think the narc provided that through the despicable acts he then went on to put me through, it was depraved & inhuman. I think that translated into sexual idealisation - the more sadistic, submissive & brutal the better. I now feel like the narc for 'getting off' to this shit. Btw I've never had any contact with him physically as he was my cyberstalker. To top it off I have a fiancé who I love very much & feel extremely guilty for having these feelings as although we now have very regular sex it just doesn't seem to go 'far enough' & I feel as if, if I ask him to do certain things he's either gonna think I'm a complete freak or I'm gonna feel like I'm just asking him to perpetuate the fantasy even further. Guess I'm still stuck in trauma bonding mode. I had a vaguely (like turn the dials down) with a rather narcissistic (high traits but not full blown) man in my mid 20s & that was pretty sick & perverted - I feel like I'm just digging my grave even deeper. I guess with regards sexuality for the most part, any expression of such (the acts etc even though people may view them as perverted) are all healthy it's rather what psychology underpins them that deems whether they're healthy or not. In a sense a guess the sadism has become familiar & far removed from what I grew up with in terms of my religion.
Mr. Grannon, considering how many out there are so lonely, would you consider arrangeing a retreat for people to meet not for hooking up, and with courses on how we can connect authentically, communicate with each other, and build healthy, lasting, relationships (not just romatic)? In my head now I imagine the vacation center in Dirty Dancing, and the extremely family friendly and dorky activities... now at 40 and one of those lonely people, I would very much like those dorky activities to meet real people over, and make real connections ❤ Is it possible to arrange something like this without it being hijacked by commercial forces that keep feeding us the shit that makes our culture reward narcissism?
@@recoveringsoul755 Because the people in those groups are (in my experience) majority the unconscious type not actively seeking better communication, connection and so on, and falling prey to the influences Grannon is talking about (in this and other videos). I'm talking about something for those who've come to the point of seeking authentic connections, willing to do the work, to easier find each other without having to sift through the 90% that aren't there yet.
As sweet and perfect sounding as this is, and I've thought the exact thing, it would definitely be infiltrated by at least a few Narcissists... Think about it, a public's posted convention of vulnerable people who've already been victimized by a narc, looking for an authentic connection would be paradise to a narc... Their dream come true so to speak. I'm sure Narcissists, as devilish and sneaky as they are to retrieve as much information on their prey as humanly possible, stalk podcasts like this. They want to continually learn how to be more capable of not being exposed by listening how others feel about people like them, so they can avoid being detected and get their narcissistic supply. I truly wish there were a place like this, but I believe the answer is to do the work in ourselves so we have DISCERNMENT as to who is and isn't a narcissist, for future dating so we can avoid this whackadoo gas lighting abuse. It truly does suck🌸
You know what? We need to go back to GOD and keep it Simple. Reasoning is contrary to the Word of GOD. "Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise. 19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness. 20 And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain. 21 Therefore let no man glory in men." 1 Corinthians 3:18-21
I'm a man who wants commitment but all I've ever had is controlling, deceptive girlfriends who have all cheated while blaming me for it. It's definitely not a gendered issue in this respect.
Found this incredible connection with a charming, older work colleague when my marriage had hit rock bottom. we started texting, harmless, nothing sexual or with sexual inuendo but felt like real deep connection and being able to open up... however, I figured that I would prefer to end my relationship before entering into another one or hitting the grey area where you fall in love with someone. Decided to meet up for a walk with him to figure things out. Turns out that he is also in a relationship, but " it's difficult and he needs his freedom" and "life taught him to never regret anything" and that I'm a "special woman" and he felt that "special connection" and, and, and...I asked him some awkward questions and I believe he answered honestly. after the walk I felt like waking up and decided that this had to stop, that I was being selfish by continuing to text another man whilst being in a relationship without the consent of my husband, without him having a choice and a say about his feelings, because even though we might be at the end as a couple, as a human being he deserves better, and I would not like to be the source of suffering and betrayal in his life. I was completely open with the other man about this, about my wish to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship and that basis of this should be trust and respect and that I myself didn't act at the moment as a trustworthy reliable person. His reaction "You're too much in your head. I don't judge you but that's why I said "No regrets, just live in the moment." I tried to explain that I had a guilty conscience not a migraine from over thinking. He completely didn't seem to be able to understand that concept. Whether this is narcissistic or solely the result of screwed up values, I'm not particularly proud of myself to follow a lead but I feel I had to get to the bottom of this "connection" and this is were it led me. This is ultimately seductive, promising, and feels like a natural high. I don't know what to think of myself and how f*?!ed up I am to find attracted to this sort of connection but I'm grateful for this channel helping me to bring some light into the mess and figuring it out. Thanks 🙏
Good for you, 👏👏👏👏 for doing the right thing and putting an end to it. Figuring out your self and staying true to your own morals and ethics is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT to ones own mental health, and ability to walk through life with any kind of dignity or respect for ones self. Good for you for staying strong and protecting your own “energy” 💪❤️
I think it is very naturally attractive when someone seems like they can be intimately connected with us 100% (yet they can only do so because they know at any point they can pull away and start that feeling with another). Until THIS video I didn't see it, but that's exactly what played out btwn me and my last 2 year dalliance. He had a history of being hurt by women, but then let me believe we had the most special connection, leading me to believe that he told his mom that I was the one, talking about even taking out an insurance policy for my son to benefit from if he died, where we would retire together, that he felt "safe" with me, and could really surrender when making love, but put a stop to falling any more deeper for me, saying why can't we keep it just like it is, no more expansion, etc. That's when i realized it was a limited, controlled investment for him. He could surrender only in certain ways, up to a certain point. And wanted to keep it neat and tidy. No meeting his family that was out of state. No vacations together. No leaving things at each other's places. He was deathly afraid of really committing to each other. He told me his father got remarried very happily after the divorce but then she that 2nd wife died he became unable to care for himself and is dipping into a life with dementia. Not only is he so afraid of losing someone he may put all his love into he is also afraid of losing HIMSELF if he loves that deeply. It's so tragic to live as if he's already lost what he wldnt let himself totally have. It caused me years of psychological dissonance and heartache bc I really felt the love, his surrender, periodically interrupted yet consistent, then his pulling away again until I insisted we have "the talk" which revealed how he only wanted the status quo and no more. It still boggles my mind. I thought I must have an anxious attachment style just like mentioned in this video. I thought i must be crazy and that i imagined the deep connection. I thought if anyone had found what we had found they would never leave. And yet in the end I left, bc he wouldn't LET there be a natural progression to the rltnshp. He said after he caught feelings he started distancing. He didn't like the fact that when he was with me that he couldn't keep his hands off me. Funny, that was one of the things I enjoyed: being desired that much. It should have been a lifetime love except for the fact that he was so damaged by the previous hurts in his life and what happened to his father that he just cldnt go there again. So sad. But don't fault yourself for falling for what seemed to be the answer to whatever was lacking in your marriage. Temptation is a real thing. Like you I had to learn an affair isn't the answer, but a sign that something important is missing in the marriage or in ourselves. Be proud of yourself for catching your behavior, but realize you're human, and you fell for a person who was likely looking for a person who was in need of some particular type of attention. No more no less. I've learned there are such people out there who are just wanting that "boyfriend experience" without the commitment, and they'll do it over and over again, either believing it's ok or acting like it is. I shd have listened better when he told me the women he'd been with always wanted more from him. Now i know why - bc he says he only wants a casual rltnshp, but then acts like a boyfriend and THAT'S how we get pulled in. It's AS IF he's falling in love, and he is, but he won't allow himself to truly be that vulnerable and stay with that feeling. Just today, with this video, I finally see it. He's psychologically crippled and I feel sorry for him. And now i think i can be free and move on. All the best to you.
@@SowingSeedsWithChristy he lied and made it complicated to blind u and make it sound viable. It's I fatiation fueled by a trauma bin on your end. He capitalized on your thirst from an unhealed wound, & narcissistic men look to take from you foe their own needs and wounds.
has somthing to do with money, housing and a narcasistic society, good for ones that make it i'm so stuck with healing through abuse and crippled emotionally and physically
@Damian You're not alone in your pain or your beliefs about money ,housing, and abuse being at the center of this.(see my other comments here) Search for your answers inside yourself, they are to be found nowhere else, but there are people like Richard who can teach you how, as he has helped teach me, but it takes time and it is difficult. You're worth the effort, regardless of what else you've been told. I hope that helps.
Those in narcissistic relationship view sex with the narc as out of the world but I truly believe it's no that at all, in fact it's the only time you feel somewhat connected to them.
He used to say abour our 4 times a day sexual activity..."but, its how we love each other". I didnt learn about npd until 5 years into this "relationship".
I’m so glad you finally did this video!! This is so crazy spot on, freaking amazing. I don’t know how you do it, but putting this into words is magical and so powerful. Not to mention SO HELPFUL. I feel like someone finally gets it. This isn’t easy to explain. And here you’ve laid it out so clear. Thank you. I feel a little less crazy. 😝
You’re so right! Society is like this! It’s awful! And so many people say to “lower your standards”! Makes me want to vomit. Lol No! I refuse to sleep around and I don’t want some man whore either! We should be elevating our standards, not lowering them. Maybe then if we held each other accountable we would spiral up, not spiral down.
Thank you Richard for the video I think a possibility to avoid the narcissist To avoid the contact Don't be available (an example) not to have sex at the first, second, third date, to see the intemptions. Also to see how is love bombing, etc. After I lived with narcissist, nothing's the same! We live in alert and hipervigilants. A hug and Thank you so much 🤗!
I think you should have sex whenever you want. There are easy ways to spot a Narcicisst, but in that lovebombing phase the give their best. If you grow strong enough you don't fall for Narcicissts anymore but can have fun with them.
OMG "the vibe is off" was pretty much my narcissistic ex's words when he went from "i want a life with you" to stonewalling in a few weeks. I really really appreciate you.
... probably your mother’s fault. Start there! Then ponder other aspects of your childhood. The answer will be in one of those two places if you ask me.
I agree his mum has to be a narcissist although I have only heard him throw his dad under the bus. But then coverts do make u feel guilty for calling then out and often are good at brainwashing you into thinking they are the nicest people on earth. Often doing everything for you but complete enablers of your self-destruction at the same time. Often infantilising there adult children.
What a relief to actually here you explain this so well. connection !!! At the core is so rare 🙏 so many people are traumatised due to being used by empty souls… which continues the cycle of prawnography! The only comfort I have is finding our authentic self and doing our own deep work by taking responsibility in healing our wounds , finding peace with our inner critic and most of all recognising and not pushing our own pain away can been the biggest healer. Then you start to see the lost hurt child in others that are charming and see the signs 🙏 or become a nun 😂
The man who bromanced me & became the narcissist in my life is perhaps the most physically attractive man I've ever met. Dripping in charisma & sex appeal, the kind of man who everyone notices when he walks into the room. A cross between John F. Kennedy Jr. & John Gotti. Fully self-aware of it & acts accordingly. His effect on me felt like a romantic narcotic. I despise him now that I know who he really is, but the sexual attraction is still there(very irritatingly).
The "sexual attraction" is still there even though you desoise him, because it's animalistic attraction you are feeling I'm guessing... it's a non attachment sort of attraction. But When sexual attraction comes more from the heart, of how sweet and attractive a guy is when he treats his mom with love and respect, or how he gently treats animals or children... You start to see the difference, a guy you want a one night stand with, or one you'd bring home to mom. I know a few guys like this in my life too. Felt the same way, was sickened that they were still sexually attractive to me... But after I did a bunch of thinking, those guys are merely a distraction to finding true love. ❤
@@teenacurl4690 Sexual attraction doesn't come from how sweet or nice a man is. It just doesn't happen. You can form other kinds of attraction from this, but it isn't sexual in nature.
@@lamentate07 It does, for women. I don't feel sexual attraction just by looking at someone. Im what one who would call 'demisexual' and my sexual attraction builds up when he displays certain qualities including kindness
That was raw! The culture is promoting narcissistic and sociopathic behaviors as the cool standard to follow. It’s not only hard to avoid narcissists but also people who try to act like them and look them up. I think religion played a part in this. I’m afraid this can get even uglier with time. Through evolution humans evolved to live together through social connections and intimate relationships, now money controles everything, soon there will be AI and robots replacing the need of working together. This is gonna get even messier. Meanwhile we have to deal with our nature that is no longer adapted to this new world. The psychopaths and npds are spreading their genes faster too as the ends justify the means, they destroy decent people in their way take money from them. This is going to nowhere. Sociopaths and narcissists are the glitch of human evolution that will lead to the destruction of humanity and maybe o all life on earth too. They have no limits. Something needs to be done about this.
@Fae I won't lie, I've had that same fatalist attraction. I was rooting for the Y2K bug too. I've learned that the FEAR of an impending disaster serves very well, like the bark of a herd dog, to influence the flock. If we feel afraid and helpless, we will be willing to hand over all responsibility for our safety to whoever has the appearance of serving to protect us... even if they themselves are holding open the door to the slaughter house ;) I wouldn't be counting on that EMP to solve this any more than Y2K did, but yeah, I feel your exhaustion. :)
Great watch , refreshing to know I’m not the only one that is deeply disappointed with what the world is projecting around sex .. To find and feel out a healthy heartfelt connection is so difficult 😞 It’s sends my brain into a lot of confusion often when I reflect what I see around me .. 🙏🏻
@Kristi Dean "deeply dissappointed" seems like a very optimistic way to describe the situation, but yeah, I think mostly everyone is, most just haven't slowed down enough to realize it; and that confusion is at least half the problem, there simply aren't any stable guidelines, everything's a big "?". Add the "sound byte", "vending machine" mentality and the "take it on the run" pace of everything and everyone, we don't have time to know ourselves, much less pay attention long enough to get to know another. Dissappointed and confused right along with you.:/
Just say no and go home to your toy. You may be a lil lonely but you know it does not cheat or put you through emotional turmoil. You must develop values and a sense of self worth to turn down hot sex. Wait long to have sex with someone, find out who the person is and decide whether you truly want to share the sacred act of sex with the person. If a person really likes you, they will take the time to get to know you. Any push for quick involvement should be viewed with suspicion. You must use your intellect to overcome desire that will leave you even more unhappy. I agree with Richard that lust has been capitalized and most people are not mature enough to see past the hype of instant gratification. Society teaches men that they are the greatest if they have endless conquests instead of teaching that true manliness comes from appreciating and delving deeply into one relationship and overcoming temptation. There is always a choice involved. The idea that biology controls men's actions is a cop-out excuse for poor behavior. Expect more from yourself and temptation can be overcome. The long term outcome of promiscuity is one of greater loneliness when the long term partner says "no way am I gonna tolerate this." The depths of a woman are fathomless and rape culture denigrates them. Sex can be the ultimate spiritual practice but our culture does not teach us about that type of fulfillment. Interesting about the perversion factor because the most recent narcissist in my life seemed to reach into my private fantasies and figured out my turn ons immediately as if I had a tattoo. Still said no but spent a very uncomfortable weekend alone wanting sex. So crazy. The real real about sex should be included in our foundational education.
I until 3 days ago have been living with Covert Narcissist,gained great help from your videos, now you’ve been able to explain my need for my husband of 30 years…all I can think is how do I live without sex, because I do not want sex with strangers and it would take to long to trust someone Now I realise why& how he was so good and why I’m spending so much money on a shopping channel
Yes very weird, I'm meet a Guy and and getting to know him, the sexuality was very high on his behalf something I wasn't expecting to know about so fast, but he matches my high sexuality to I'm able to control or go without s3x for a long period of time, it's weird we had a eye for each other and experience with each other it's off the hook.
It's all Control... I know now that my ex cheating and with holding sex was punishment. He was immature and not connected after all. He married me and with held. His son at 11 slept with him when he wanted to hurt me. They both bullied me. Thank God I'm out and recovering and healing.
Amen beautiful soul 🙏 do you have deep reverence for yourself? I pray that you discover deep sacredness within yourself and one day rest in a sacred bond with another 💕🙏🌷
@Gabriella Start a club of like-minded ladies and build a social circle around it. You might have to get pretty creative to vet the intentions of the men (maybe the women, too) and keep Chad out of the mix, but I can assure you there are plenty of us out here who would love to meet someone we can take the armor off with, just be ready to accept the bruises and scars as part of the challenge, and connect with the nurture instincts. It's been Hell for everyone since the 60s, but hypergamy and narcissism and financial burdens of failed marriages have affected men in ways that many don't consider, and have led to protection strategies that have been counterproductive for everyone, including giving up on relationships altogether, in some cases in part (hmmm, hmmm) because they feel too damaged by the last one to be fit for another- the 80/20 split, "self-validation" practices and the "meat market" atmosphere of dating sites reinforces that self-assessment. Reality needs to be reasserted, false assumptions and stereotypes abandoned, and false promises of failed ideologies rejected all around. All have been hurt by them but men have not been allowed to show it or raise a complaint against it without being accused of misogyny, predation, "a creep" , and an extensive list of other slurs, and if that isn't stopped by the women, the situation will get worse. You stated your position rather well, and it's encouraging; if more women share that opinion around and make it known why, it could begin to change things for the better. Thank you for your comment, and I truly hope you find that good guy you're looking for, just be gentle with him:)
100% Took me over three decades to accept and embrace how much I love women. And even longer to accept that for the most part, my attraction to men was more for validation than anything else. Once I “got” a man I usually didn’t want him anymore. I was toxic AF. The only exception to this was a narcissist who targeted me specifically because I intimidated him. Truth hurts. But living a lie hurts more! Capitalism is terrified of a single, childless, educated, emotionally mature woman.
Thank you for sharing this story. I´ve chased men since I was 24-32 and only now can I see the brainwashing behind it. It's scary to see this. Basically, the culture we live in strips us of our self-esteem so that we then chase validation, cause if you don't have sex/partner/romantic love then you obviously are some kind of a "loser" right? And "hitting-the-wall" ideology they use to scare us… worked well. I was 24, super-slim etc. and yet I started to feel as if I already hit that wall that at the time being I believed would have happened at 30. Now I´m past 32 and I´m still slim and pretty to realise that someone robbed me of my self-esteem many years ahead… so that some men could have more power over me. The craziest part in this is that I've been chasing sex that I actually never really liked… Somehow, it was given that if I met the right guy I would start liking it so the chase was supposedly worth the effort… All that brainwashing made me desperate and addicted to chasing the unavailable. I kept fighting for stuff that I was only told that I was supposed to want and enjoy. I was convinced it had been my idea but the truth was that I did't think for myself. Now, I want all my power back, and this means total abstinence from sex, love, partner and related fantasies. I´m sick and tired of wanting men. It made me feel so insane that at some point I saw how everything's got a price, and the price for wanting these things is higher than the one for giving them up and having peace of mind instead. I guess men are going to be fucked if more women go their own way and stop participating in this sick game of theirs.
I’d say capitalism needs single, childless, educated women. They’re the consumers that are spending their money on things other than groceries, nappies and prams. New mothers aren’t buying £60k sports cars, Louis Vuitton, Crystal champagne and week long trips to Cabo on business class.
@@MrDanielvassCapitalism DOES want single mothers. They're desperate, lonely and easily manipulated. Plus, we buy ALL sorts of stuff for our kids to make us feel like we're successful moms-the only source of self esteem for a bit of us.
I relate a lot to your comment. Though I don’t know how to find a woman. Sending vibes of being “a cute girl” for men I guess :( I need to build life after years of abuse.
🦐-agraphic you'll not be able to say it properly now!.... I think we accept what we feel is our normal and are genuinely suspicious of the loving attentive behaviour, as it's become alien... Like ok so what do I have to do for you being loving?! It's a total head fk that entangles our way of thinking in a certain way over a long period of time and the untangling feels like climbing Mount Everest.
This video wAs reAlly Good 👍…… veRy helpful.. You right sized it brilliantly.. Empowering stuff.. a video thAt should be on your refrigerator door….. ThAnk you for being the speaker you are - bringing forth highly needed content ❤
You referenced Moloch in a way that I wasn’t aware people outside of a particular community (LW,EA) do. I think that is incredibly interesting that your attribution for these symptoms are of the same lines as those that are attributed to entropic forces of hyper capitalism.
@Alexander Astoria Ahhhh, methinks me smells a whiff of something...please, do tell us what's behind the thinly veiled curtain you just pointed to...but open it gently. Inquiring minds need to know. ;)
@@don-eb3fj EA is the effective altruism community. Meditations on Moloch is an article alluding to Allen Ginsbergs poem howl, describing forces of misalignment/lack of coordination and trust in todays age. Oversimplification. But moloch is an abstraction for something that has runaway from us and is producing a particular rot in humanity.
Brilliant. Absolutely Brilliant!! This explains so much ! No one else, that Iam aware of, has spoke on this topic or given an answer to why our society is geared towards consumerism...it makes perfect sense.
Richard you’re explaining exactly how it is! I had the experience with my ex husband…and I stayed married 18years 1/2 because from growing up with narcissist one parent, I identified the bad boy ,the game , abuse must be the “Love “ 🧐 . As I know now 3or 4 years back I wish I knew sooner! Thank you so much ! 🥰
Very interesting to hear about the sexual billboards and ads in a Muslim country. In context of what you are saying that makes sense. At the risk of being offensive I'm going to put my thought out there: perhaps the same force driving the phenomenon of Bacha bazi boys? Oh my, yes! My first sexual ' romantic (?) Obsession, sex was weaponized. Lose weight and fulfill my visual fantasy or I will have sex with others. Catch was, I could never satisfy their visual fantasy. Unconsciously I think they knew that, and looking back I think I did too on some subconscious level. We had quite a delusional fantasy going. It was not surprising to learn years later that he was a closet homosexual. I've had to spend alot of time looking at my own drives and behaviors.
It's "the devil"👿 you know. I caught myself couple of years ago at Xmas causing a drama,bc there was none at the moment - that's what I was used to🙈no drama no life
@@pickle9753 thanks.I grow up in" a emotional minefield"with parents who still have narcissist tendencies (they're in their 70's now).So now when I'm who "I'm supposed to be" I have absolutely no "map" of how to navigate some situations 😄 (what I used to do was a angry or submissive response and nothing in-between)it's funny and exiting,used to be scary.Have a good day
@@justmeiam4996 many of us here feel very similar. Welcome to the club. You are not alone. It is funny, and exciting, isn’t it 🤔 to learn and grown from all this trauma ❤️ that’s a good way to look at it.😉☯️❤️ Sending love your way, from Canada. 🖖☮️🦋
@@pickle9753 😄 I'm starting to think there's almost no one without trauma.Friend of mine is a therapist who went through something similar,so we compare notes from time to time 😅😅 It's fascinating that it's always "the same"no matter the language.Greetings from the Netherlands 🙋🏻♀️
I’m one of those people who is an absolute master at advising other people about their lives, sometimes I even come up with a more generally applicable idea or two as well. But when it comes to my own life, seeking and following my own advice, there’s a gigantic disconnect. I wonder if anyone else here is like that…
@Chris Yes, guilty as charged, although I generally only offer information or personal experience, not advice. I've faced that disconnect too, still do. I think the way to resolve it is by accepting that it is serving some protective function, and allowing ourselves to see what is hiding behind it, what fear or discomfort it is shielding us from experiencing. It can be hard to sit still and let the awareness come, sometimes it takes some outside event to bring us face to face with it, and then we have to follow where it leads. I had an experience like that about 8 months ago that brought me face-to-face with my entire life story, and it rocked my world (or set me off my rocker). I'm still following where it leads, trying to decipher what it all means, but it has led to some answers, some new questions, and a few baby steps forward. Our prisons weren't built overnight, and they won't be torn down overnight either. Patience. Self-compassion. Easier said than done, but I hope that helps some.
TY I have been claiming we live in a Prawn-a-graphic culture and being called a prude for saying so, for decades. I was a stripper in San Francisco. I learned to use sex as power rather than as connection. I was just a mini world. Like the world, I was all about money which lead to power. And the ugly root is capitalism. I am no longer suffering from my relationship with a narcissist. I fully recovered when I realized the narcissist was a mirror. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.
Could it be due to their gathering tendencies? Yes, they do share, but to me it really is seemingly quantitative eroticism (I've found in my circle of friends, and especially in the music business.)
I want the authentic connection after being with a narcissist for 3 and a half year who used sex as power over me , I would rather build that deep connection
I was only attracted to powerful men, but only until I made them weak for me. I was unaware of what a monster my groomers and rapers made me. I’m grateful to have found my way out of my damage by listening to Mr Grannon and others. Gaining perspective is only valuable when it changes behavior. I’m yrs into celibacy and plan to enjoy my days loving myself and others in a way where the body is of no significance. That being said, I love me some PRAWNS!
It’s all about the ego…even garbage trash can hypnotize, someone whom we ordinarily would absolutely not even give the time of day to. Or someone who we deem high status can make one feel they’re deserving…I think it’s the egoic mind within us that the narcissist can fulfill
My partner would boast that hed never met a nymphomaniac but hed woken up with hundreds. He knew my repressed sexuality through abuse as a child. 3 of his long term partners were sexually abused as children. He only let me in when he was in the collapsed stage of npd. You've set me free. Thank you
Probably one of the best interviews you've produced. In an age where we have abundance, we are also the poorest. We don't need AI. The world is already being overtaken by robots. Everything has been developed to cut down time. Even finding a partner, swipe ✅️ swipe ❎️. There is no substitute for face-to-face organic communication where people mutually bond and share connections and the ways we have done that are now replaced by screens. How does this get better? Feels like the beginning of the end.
@Shavorne Wilbraham Great summary, I see it the same way, every word. Just like every other stage of technological "progress", the promised fruit of a simpler life never ripens, it only adds more layers of complexity to consume our time and attention. The promise of "connectivity" has proven to be a cruel hoax, replacing warm, living bonds with cold, pale substitutes and building barricades rather than bridges. Seeing the problem is only half of the problem, because we've become so accustomed to the deprivation that even when there is opportunity to choose face-to-face connection we often no longer know how or have the ability to regulate our stress reactions. Maybe "the beginning of the end" is actually the beginning of something better if we just say "enough is enough" and choose to step out of it . Alternatives are emerging, in the form of intentional communities built around self-reliance and mutualism, something I'm becoming more involved with myself, to make a space to live a simpler life. We are out here, but according to the status quo we're "kinda out there". Would you rather be "out there" or in here?
@don-eb3fj I'm already 'out there'.. which breeds the loneliness he talks of. Like everything, there are pros and cons to the advancement of technology. Knowledge is a major pro. We are being educated by these videos and connecting via the screen but it's no replacement. Things that you work hard to obtain bring a sense of achievement but now we live in a world where most things are 'on tap', I see people every day in my job who don't know who they are. No identity, purpose or meaning to their lives. Sheeple. They are the majority now. Its alarming.
@Shavorne Wilbraham knowledge can certainly be a pro, in the correct hands, but in the grip of a psychopath it is a scythe to harvest human suffering. Our own needs and virtues have been turned against us, our fears and petty jealousies used to spur "...brother killing brother for the profit of another. Game. Point. Nobody wins." - Queensryche - "Empire" Yes, sheep is what humanity devolves into when we become caught in the self-perpetuating trap of ultra-hedonism that puts "money" as the arbiter at the center of all things. Slogans like " Money can't buy happiness, but it can make a nice down payment." ignore the fact that the fuller experience of life and the Divine have been placed under mortgage ( literally -"death sentence") in the "bargain", with "interest"(but in the interests of whom?) to accrue into perpetuity to generations unborn, to be delivered into this life as chattel. It's far past time for these truths to become widely known, and for some of we lone wolves to become sheepdogs against the packs of predators and parasites that prey on all.
...and yes, the lack of identity element is a major component , a symptom of the lack of connection from our earliest years, creating the drive for commodifying human expressions of affection and respect to create markets in "red light districts" for our every suppressed need and barring the natural satisfaction we thrive on. I too have seen these effects, in the mirror, and all around me, and have spent the last 3 years deep in self-reflection to find the man beneath who was never permitted to live. I have all but abandoned the sinking ship and gone to the mountain, to attempt a rebirth of the one who was corrupted and scarred by the ones I should have been able to depend on, but who were also too injured to take proper care. Intergenerational societal trauma is the dark corner few have the courage to look into, especially within ourselves, and addressing it is the only path back to reclaiming our birthright.
After being raised by a narcissist and then marrying and divorcing a narcissist, I’ve completely given up on connecting with another human at an intimate level. I’ve been single and abstinent for over 4 years and it’s been life changing. I’m 40, some may call this low libido, others may call it trauma or ptsd, but I just call it peacefulness.
In the beginning of your talk, I felt that you described a sexually repressed society, but then later, we are now immersed in a society of sexual freedoms, without a sense of commitment? So, let's just consume Sex. However, we are not having the same amount of sex as in previous times. So, society has opened up, but in a distorted way. Commitment is not cool. I see a lot of traumatized men and women who do not want to play in this mixed up world. Everything, children, finances, mental health can be taken away in a second.
Is it best to move on from the Narcissist, without exposing them for who/what they are? Or, is it best to expose the Narcissist, with intention to help protect their next victim(s)?
Good question. I was in that position a long time ago, and I felt like I had no choice but lay charges for the physical and sexual abuse, because the next one had kids, and the one before me didn’t warn me, until I was in too deep already and it was too late. I did it because I had kids, and if the one before me would have warned me, before I was in too deep, my sons NEVER EVER EVER would have been put in a position where they witnessed any thing like that. It didn’t matter. Two years after they were together, he beat the living piss out of her in a drunken rage too. Or so I’ve heard. I don’t even ask, and people just tell me now. Funny, because I was always the one being questioned, as if I was making it up. Even on the stand. Both for the physical, and sexual. I bet the next one was questioned and made to feel like she was “just being dramatic” or “some how deserved it” , or like forced anal sex was some how “her spousal duty” too. Looking back, I’d still do it and still look her in the eye across the court room to let her see the concern and seriousness in my eye. Her prior husband had been killed at work, and she was a vulnerable widow with kids. She needed to be warned. Thankfully she took it seriously and heard me when I said “I’m afraid he will kill the next one in front of her kids, since he knocked me out cold in front of mine.” …she ended it for good the very first time he beat her up. Three different women charged him with physical abuse involving alcohol….and he is still out working daily, and living with another one with kids. 😳🤷🏻♀️🤦♀️ It seems pointless..I know….but it could save lives to report abuse, especially if kids are involved. Please stay safe
@@balanceskateboarding8807 thank you. I’ve come up with a lot of words in my life, 😂😂 to describe my choices and actions I’ve taken, but I don’t think that was ever one of them. 😂😂😉❤️☮️🖖🦋
Most would say to just move on and not expose them. While it’s hard to not want to expose them, just know that if you deal them a big narcissist injury they will want revenge on you. And unless you have proof, no one is probably going to believe you since the narc has already prepared for that possibility.
@@RobertKalina99 yup. That’s very true. And that’s also why most don’t report abuse, sadly. If there were not kids involved (also why I was with him so long, he had a grand baby born and lived with us while we were together) , I don’t think I would have reported it
@Pickle I'm so sorry you or anyone else has had this kind of experience; it not only causes harm for the immediate victim but taints the well and impoverishes us all through the lasting damage to trust. Been there, got the scars to remind me. "Back in the day", before it became a capital crime for men to be chivalrous and protective, there was a streamlined system in place to help moderate these kind of problems and resolve them if they got out of hand, available with nothing more than a word of acceptance; it involved brothers, uncles, cousins, and male friends who could be relied on to "advocate" when needed, and it was pretty effective. I'm not promoting "an eye for an eye" as an ideal, but when in Paris it's best to parlez vous francais, or have an "interpreter" by your side. Oui?
Much gratitude to hear you speaking at this level re the workings of want - lust etc and the cultures bent on needing something - constantly needing something ( and buying it / consuming sex - crap - etc ) It is hard seeing the truth of this - watching the feeding frenzy that we in the US believe to be normal life. Sad and important to talk about. Best Regards to you Richard. You walk the walk and I understand that you have spent moons and miles in the desert. I have been there and much appreciate my mind body = home now. XOXO to you
Absolutely brilliant. 🙏🏻 Thank Richard for all your insights and sharing your experiences!! REALLY helps in my healing journey! Recovering from BPD and your work is helping me immensely!! 🙌🏻
Very interesting - I really like the focus on loneliness, so true, but may I question whether the root cause of sexual repression is really consumer capitalism? - or is it religion or other sociological/cultural reasons? Consumer capitalism is an economic system where consumers (are free to) determine what products are produced. So I presume you are implying that consumers are lead or indoctrinated into their free consumer choices by the evil people behind consumer capitalism. Who are these evil, highly organised, conspiratorial people, where is their bible or creed? To me capitalism is just an economic system, one of the most successful the world has known. Capitalism (including the internet) needs reform and better regulation undoubtedly but outright anti-capitalism scares me as much as narcissism when I consider how the countries who have tried the alternatives of communism and socialism have fared.
