Gaslighting By A Narcissist | 19 Phrases they use 

"when it's everyone around you, maybe you're the problem" - after smearing me not only to my (other narcissistic) own family members and friends, but also acquaintances and people i don't even know. Meanwhile, to me and behind everyone elses' back, they're saying crappy things about everyone else, that are entirely projection...every ex they've ever had, they were a "victim" of but even managed to turn those ex's against me, blaming me (behind my back) for their past relationship difficulties. Others: "why don't you just forget the past and move on?" (because it's continuing in the present!?) and "be logical", don't be irrational (aka don't have feelings, don't use your intuition which is telling you I am lying and gaslighting you". I've pretty much heard almost all of them from my immediate family. OH - another one, which is very telling: "WE ALL SEE THINGS THE SAME WAY" (unsaid - and that is in direct opposition to how YOU see things")

I remember watching your video- 20 Signs you're w/ a CN. I sobbed with relief when I realized I had experienced ALL 20!!! I just watched this one & made a ✅️ for all the responses I've heard. 3 guesses how many ✅️ I ended up with.... 👀👀👀👀👀. Sooooo glad I found that video and can recognize 🐂💩 when I hear it now!! Thank you Richard!!

"I'm SO worried about you." 3 times a day on average. And "You need to see a psychiatrist."

“Nobody’s perfect.” “God loves me the way I am; why can’t you?” “I’m forgiven so it doesn’t matter.” “What do you want from me?” “Don’t make me crazy.” “You’re the reason I do this to you.” “I never did this before I met you.” “It’s your fault.” (their behavior) “I’m not responsible for how you feel.” (which is true in and of itself, however this was said to shut me up so I wouldn’t share my feelings)

you made me do it( the abuse)... no one believes you.. you'll die alone because no one loves you... you're bipolar( after you telling them in confidence that a close family member who nearly died from cancer became clinically depressed and suicidal)

It's a common phrase, but it's not gaslighting.

I hate that one

@@KatyWithAWhyyy would argue that it is, bc it implies that the problem is with the feelings of the victim & not with the actions of the abuser. Transference, essentially.

they forget to ask why, sounds like, one day you just woke up already feeling "that way" out of nothing.

​@@KatyWithAWhyyyshow us your degree in relevant area and the source of that information?

You just described my mothers words and exactly how I spent 40 yrs of my life 😂 funny but utterly sad too 😢

It’s a good sign after being held under water for so long if you start to feel healthy anger. Best of luck regaining yourself ❤️

OMG well said, boy can I relate. Now it's playing out on a large scale.

@@clararob9869 I am so sorry you went through that, nobody should have to endure that. Also, they aren't very unique its odd but interesting how the Narcs all say and do the same things.

Yes, it is shocking when a person realizes what he has done to stabilize the relationship and has to realize that he was deliberately manipulated in such a way that the other gets what he wants and in the most comfortable way possible!!!

That note stood out to me as well. When I would catch Ex in a transgression, his excuse was lack of awareness... He "didn't know" it was such a big deal. Which of course was a lie and a subtle shift back to the "you're overreacting" narrative. He totally knew what he was doing, and he didn't care. It took me years to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt and realize that I was in a one-person relationship.

I LOVE this! 😆 I recently made myself a list of acronyms for the same purpose... just a few weeks ago. I think I can only do that now, because it’s not so painful and I’ve done a lot of work. There are actually a wonderful set of card, called ‘critical thinking cards’ and you use them to play calling out different fallacies people use.

Shout Bingo!! Ha ha 👏🏻👏🏻

BRILLIANT! There should be an app for this so we can play on our phones…👏 🤣 ✊❤️

Tell me more

I do believe shrinks diagnoses hide th😢fact of gaslighting and call you crazy schizo etc

Or "Everyone thinks you are crazy except me. I'm the good one"

Pitting others against you, or making you think they are, is one of their tricks of the trade.

@@mr.mithmoth 100%

OMG YES ! I'd forgotten that one !!!

@@lynnepostings I wish I had $1 for every time they told me that. I'd be Filthy Rich!!!

🎯🎯🎯YES! And you're imagining things.

So same!

MEMORY TRIGGER - I remember the time I let it slip that I was seeing a therapist. Narc-mom always needled me for information, until I got strong enough to tell her off. Her first question was "What are you telling them about me?" Um, that you're the devil incarnate. That's not what I really said.

👏🏻

this so much and makes it so confusing when you then see these because you start doubting yourself again.

"What's weird is, those are also the things we end up saying TO the narcissist. "That's not what happened" or "Why do you keep bringing this up"? " You are absolutely right, and this is the worst clusterf*ck ever to a neurotypical. My Ex with BPD drove me insane with his distorted perceptions, especially because he truly BELIEVED they were real! There were no rules in these conversations, no binding coordinates, no left-right, east-west, up-down. I almost lost my mind, but fortunately I got out. And the more distance I get because of going NC the more I see his sick pattern of "communication".

THANK YOU FOR THIS!!!? ESPECIALLY WITH THE PARANOIA!

Ok, this is a thought provoking comment!Bravo! I'm gonna sit with this one for a while!

My dog saved me too. Fight on, bro. 👊👉

I am so very happy your dog was there to prevent you from leaving this world. ❤ I hope you are still moving towards healing and finding yourself again. I just ended my 10 year marriage/partnership (long story lol) and I have had many of those, What's the point of going on, moments, but my cats seem to stick their adorable little faces in mine every time to remind me. 😊

Dogs are the best people. 🙂

I'm so happy for you!

15!years of abuse and i am just 36 y/o, my husband is a serial cheater and every time he does i was the cause! up until recently APR 2024 he has been having over 7 years affair with his 1st cousin

Yep-I got that one too My response would be -nothing🥴

I bet he then said, "You wouldn't believe me anyway" or "You'll just find an excuse to blame me no matter what I say" (deflection)

Yep...exactly

How many free passes did you give him or forgive him..

@@misslanapaulford None. That was it. I forgive everyone in my life of everything, because otherwise my heart would be closed to all that life has to offer me if I didn’t, but I will never share a man nor reconcile with a man nor trust one that has betrayed me. Luckily, the conversation I had was over the phone when I confronted him, because otherwise I knew he might try to talk me out of leaving.

Omg, fr. My aunt says this

​@jbbbygrace8301 Mommie dearest had different dates. She had married men over "for pool/poker nights". I was only 13 & she had intercourse WITH THEM on a specific day of the WEEK. They wondered why I kept my FAN ON. I WAS EMPOWERED by a sound over her LOUD VOICE

my ex just said that about some of my guy friends that I dropped because they just use me, just like the way she used me. They only initiate contact when they need something I want something they never initiate contact because they want to give never.

A lot of the dark narcissists/antisocial types, can't maintain any relationships. So, even the friendliest souls who love people, will lose relationships to accommodate them. It comes with aging, but is also part of the power/control dynamic, imho.

Child molesters have justified their behavior by saying “I am as God made me” so.. nuts to that theory.

Now this!!!!!! 👏🏾. Always talking about me thinking I was perfect, just so he could deflect and then focus on me 🙄

Reminds me of, are you a doctor?

Gaslighting is a way for narcissists to dodge responsibility for their actions, and to keep from ever having to answer for anything they've done. It's a way of saying "The problem isn't me, it's you." Just saying that isn't enough, however. This tactic can only work if they can actually convince you that it's true. They use gaslighting in order to do that. If gaslighting is successful, if the narcissist can convince the victim that the victim is not caring enough, or too sensitive, or crazy, or that the victim is actually the abuser, the narcissist never has to answer for anything ever again. This is the crux of what the narcissist is trying to do. Narcissists are willing to sacrifice anybody for their own wants and needs. Narcissists want you to set yourself on fire to keep them warm. You say, "I'm dying! I'm burning to death!" and they say, "Well, I'm cold. Why don't you care that I'm cold? You selfish evil person, how can you be so heartless?" Your suffering is not important to them and in some cases, it's actually the icing on the cake. All narcissists have a cruel, envious core in their personality. They are jealous, they are hurting and they want to destroy things they are jealous of, so there are times that being cruel brings them pleasure. Narcissists want you to prove that you love them. It makes them feel safe, true, but more than that, it makes them feel powerful. To that end, they will never stop trying to make you prove it. After you jump one hurdle, there are 15 more waiting. It never ends, and if you were to set yourself on fire to keep them warm, this would be more proof that you love them. Over and over and over again. A narcissist who feels safe can be a dangerous narcissist; they may then feel there is no reason not to do terrible things because they are safe in the idea that you will never leave. Unfortunately, it is a trap that many people fall into, because when a non-personality disordered person is in a relationship, if our partner is not happy and they say it is because of something we are doing (or not doing) we tend to believe them. Why would they say it if it wasn't true? The sad truth is that narcissists need too much. They need more and want more than anyone can possibly give them. They are unreasonable, unrealistic and they don't understand give and take. They truly believe that they should be given everything, and any insinuation that they should give is perceived as blasphemy. Respect? Consideration? Compromise? These are not words narcissists understand as applying to other people. If they have to destroy your perception of yourself or your very reality in order to get what they want, they have no problem with that. Gaslighting can range from simple denial of something (you remind the narcissist of something they did or said and the narcissist replies, That never happened! You're making it up!) to an elaborate staging of a situation designed to confuse and upset someone (you walk into your home after work and there is a party happening; you ask the narcissist what is going on and the narcissist responds, We had this party planned for a month! We talked about it all the time! What do you mean, you didn't know about it?) Gaslighting is designed to keep you off-balance and unsure so that the narcissist can control you - and everything else. Confused, frightened, doubtful people are much easier to manipulate and control than those who are very sure of themselves. Gaslighting can also be more subtle and harder to define, which makes it even harder to detect - or prove. For example, you ask the narcissist why they are being cruel to you. Instead of actually addressing that, the narcissist says that you don't care about them. Instead of insisting that the narcissist answer this very reasonable question, you start defending yourself and then the point is lost. No one is talking about the narcissist's cruelty anymore. It has become all about you and what you are doing wrong. The narcissist insists that you don't care, listing a litany of complaints about how cruel and uncaring your behavior is. You become convinced the narcissist really believes this, so you begin overcompensating, trying to do things to prove you do care. The harder you try, the more the narcissist will deny you. The narcissist now sees that this can be used as a weapon to hurt you and manipulate you into doing what the narcissist wants you to do. The narcissist has won, and more importantly, the narcissist has avoided being taken to task over bad behavior. Most experiences with intentional gaslighting are of the unsophisticated defensive kind, where a person is simply denying something happened - or insisting that it did - because they fear the consequences, or because they will not get what they want if the truth is discovered. Gaslighting in general is a very immature behavior that is actually often seen in toddlers and small children. They don't have the wherewithal to defend, explain or excuse their behavior, so they simply say it didn't happen. The motive behind gaslighting may sometimes point to more sophisticated kinds of thinking, such as in the movie Gaslight, but the behavior itself is not sophisticated at all. There is also unintentional gaslighting, which occurs because narcissistic people perceive things very differently than those who are not narcissists. They really believe things happened the way they are saying they did, and if you attempt to interject facts or proof here, you may be accused of gaslighting. This behavior may not technically fall under the traditional definition of gaslighting because most sources define gaslighting as deliberate, but the behavior of asserting a different reality is experienced by the people around the narcissist in the same way, whether it is intentional or not. The people around the narcissist have no way to know which is which and to be honest, it really doesn't matter, because the result is the same. if you are constantly second-guessing yourself. if you have the sense that you used to be a very different person; someone who was happier and more confident. if you have trouble making even simple decisions. if you are always apologizing to the narcissist. if you notice the narcissist making accusations or calling out behavior in you that no one has ever mentioned before. if you feel confused or crazy and you don't know why. These are all signs that you may be being gaslighted. If you recognize any of these signs, please seek help or leave the relationship. There are 3 stages a person goes through when they are subjected to gaslighting. These are disbelief, defense and depression. Disbelief is defined as when the gaslighting first happens and you just sort of dismiss it as a weird occurrence or something that was out of character but isolated. You don't recognize what is happening or if you do, you disregard it because you have feelings for the narcissist and don't want to acknowledge something they are doing wrong. Defense is defined as the period of time when you are defending yourself against the accusations or manipulation. This stage can last a long time. As in our earlier example, let's say you ask the narcissist why they are being cruel to you and instead of actually addressing that, the narcissist says that you don't care about them. The narcissist might also say that you are imagining things, or that you are too sensitive or any number of things designed to take the focus off of their behavior and put it on yours. The end result is that the conversation becomes focused on you and how you are actually the problem. You defend, implore, remind, beseech, you do everything you can to prove these things are not true. This is where it becomes dangerous because though you are defending yourself, by doing so you have agreed that it is a problem worth talking about. The narcissist has manipulated you into agreeing it is all about you. The more you try to defend yourself, the crazier it will drive you and the more it convinces you that you really are the problem. If the narcissist would only see the truth, if you keep trying, the narcissist has to admit it, has to see it, has to believe it. Right? Wrong. They don't. And they never will, because they don't want to. This is probably the hardest thing for those who love a narcissist to understand and accept: they do not want to see you as a good person. They don't want to believe you and they are never going to. They want you to be just as horrible as they believe they themselves are, and they will do absolutely everything they can to prove that you are. It's a vicious cycle and the only way out is to stop participating in it. Depression is when you have stopped defending yourself against the manipulation and just give up. You allow the narcissist to control your reality and suffer more every day, for no other reason than because a sick, miserable, disordered person wants you to be just as miserable, sick and disordered as they are.

This doesn't have to happen. You can learn to defeat gaslighting by not participating in it. Don't allow the narcissist to control the conversation; make them stick to the topic or stop the conversation. Don't allow the narcissist to deflect the conversation - and the blame - onto you; ignore all attempts to do so. Don't defend yourself; you are validating the accusations by doing so. Repeat: you are validating the accusations when you defend yourself against them. Ignore them. Don't continue the conversation when gaslighting is occurring. Calmly tell the narcissist that you know things did not occur that way and walk away. Gaslighting can only work if you let it work - and you don't have to anymore. Learn to recognize it for what it is, That is the only way you can stop it from damaging your self-image and your stability. Remember: You are not the crazy one. You are not the wrong one. You are not the abuser, or the cruel one. You are not too sensitive. You are not uncaring or abusive just because you are a human being who makes mistakes and has feelings. Remind yourself that your perception has always been fine until now. Remind yourself that no one but the narcissist accuses you of these supposed perception problems. Remind yourself that no one but the narcissist accuses you of being a liar or an abuser or too sensitive... whatever the narcissist is trying to convince you of, remind yourself that no one but the narcissist sees it. Most importantly: don't lose sight of who you are. You know who you are. Don't let the narcissist take that away from you. Gaslighting that happens when someone can see through it is simply regarded as a childish, even ridiculous attempt to deny reality - as many of you already know. The only way gaslighting can work is if people do not trust themselves or their own perception. Working on building this up so that you are not vulnerable to gaslighting is the secret to defeating it long-term. But remember, no one can stay strong forever. A rock will erode from a single drip over hundreds of years. In this same way, being around someone who is constantly trying to force you into a different version of reality than what you are experiencing will wear on you eventually, no matter how strong you are. Even if it never causes you to doubt your reality or perception, it will affect you in other ways.

Thank you and Grannon. The only way you can avoid narcissists is by knowing what it is and how it works. I really wish they'd have a briefer course on it in highschool or something, Just telling you the signs, how to avoid it, and how to act if you cant. Narcissism proliferates and multiplies, this isn't going to be something that this society can run from forever. While we work our way to to majority awareness, its just going to become a larger and larger problem. I do my best to speak up about it too. Lets hope there will be some sort of break through in the next 10 years. I just want the majority of people to at least know what NPD is.

Think also today, 90-95% of people have a smartphone. So much easier to find information on the subject.

Yep, Angie Atkinson, RIP, was a great soul too! 🙏

@@insertmyidentityhere oh no!!! She was the first narc abuse counselor that I ever started watching about 5 years ago. :( When did she pass? what happened?

@@johnmaurer2035 Yea, there's no excuse. Its the same with proper hamster care. So easy to find but people still get everything wrong and abuse the poor thing, not even trying to fix it.

This is one phrase that's said to me as well

They can also isolate you, with them the centre of your world, make you believe only they love you then being the social charmer they visit everyone with a smear campaign about you behind your back. They return home after you've pined for them & point out how mean everyone is being towards you (yeah cus you're telling lies to make them dislike me)! ⚠️ triangulation!

Literally set me up to lose a good man and replace him with a scumbag who treated me like her. Then would cry with me, saying, "Relationships are hard [for you], aren't they?" She got off on seeing me fail over and over again. So forget 'mental disorder.' That crap is evil.

Some of my "friends" were narcissists, so my narc sister was "right", I don't have many friends, just shit like her!

Yes!! Thanks for mentioning this one. Variety; accusing you of wanting them to be perfect, that you keep them on a tight leash and there's no room for failure, when they have abused you heavily or been unfaithful My partner cheated and said, "Why do you always want me to be perfect?"'

"That's how we care" sounds like virtue-signalling and image management. It can be belittling to say "we worry about you." As if you're weak and incapable. They get to hint at some kind of rescue -- so you should be grateful (guilt) because they're so "caring" -- and at the same time, they give you the message that you're inferior to them or pathetic. Don't buy it!

Dealing with that one currently. Meddling with my life and trying to control is “care”. Even after i ask them repeatedly to PLEASE STOP

Thank you to those who chose to reply. My comment was with reference to a life which I chose to liberate myself from around four years ago, no contact since. Sometimes in our lives there occurs a convergence of events which just seem to scream "Enough!", such was my experience. Today, I'm slowly turning toward creative pursuits, which surprisingly seem to feel much like companionship. I'm grateful every day for my decision.

@@jima3345 🎉🙌💛

Oh, yeah, they dispatch their flying monkeys out of 'concern' (a/k/a they are bored and need some entertainment / supply).

❤

Too bad that's absolutely correct

That one was just fucked up...these people really are idiots..from years of research and experience is all comes down to that

This just gives me hope! Thank you for your comment!! Still trying to get out of an almost decade long marriage. The smirking, scoffing, mocking and conceit is really soul destroying. But, they're really self destructing & sabotaging, which is their problem.

Oh # 6.....

They literally pathologize ALL our emotions. If I'm happy, I'm "embarrassing." If I'm sad I'm "impossible to please." If I'm angry, I have mental health issues. The ONLY acceptable 'emotion' was a Mona Lisa smile while complying and thanking her.

I got all of these It's like a form of terrible bullshit bingo

Yup. This happened with me and my former childhood best friend. Once I began saying this about disagreements we had (instead of saying that he's correct which is the only thing he apparently would accept), he started ramping up the criticism, manipulation attempts, lying and negative behavior and our relationship deteriorated rapidly.

Always be ready to be gone. 👍

Ignoring them is the best response. They can’t stand that.

I told my narc that we live in different realities and that's okay. Looking back, I think you're right. That was the beginning of the discard phase.

They love saying these

It's horrible cruelty & mental torture for sure! I've been where you're at (grief & just a few days in). If you don't mind me offering some unsolicited advice, but unfortunately know "too many times to count over 10 yrs) that he could suck me (hoover) me right back in! I'm a strong woman and he broke that part of me for a long time. I believed him every time. So...in addition to getting much-needed validation (doesn't it feel so damn good?) I suggest you arm yourself with hoovering tactics and lovebombing. Stay strong & I wish you peace, love (yourself right now) & light! ❤️🙏🏻❤️

You got this. Divorced 2 yrs ago and due to workjng for him, i left work and no contact for about 2 months only.. it gets easier. We were together almost 22 yrs.

“We’re trying to help you but you keep fighting us every step of the way”

New age spirituality is a huge trap. You don't even notice when you start gaslighting yourself with "normal relationship rules don't apply to a Twin Flame connection" and "I can't talk about it (abuse) to anyone, because nobody will understand the special love from higher realms, like ours "...🥴🥲 Spiritual narcs also love to say: "We are Twin Flames working on our multidimensional connection. Everytime I hurt you - we are both healing. It's our higher selves guiding us both. TRUST THE JOURNEY" "It wasn't me, I would never do that, you know me. I was being controlled by the archons/ negative alien implants in my aura" "You must detach from your emotions to become enlightened. Your shadow self is still controlling you, this is why you get angry at me for flirting with other women" Crazy.

Oh the future faking! My last relationship in 2021 was him future faking a desire to get married...until our one-year anniversary of dating. When I celebrated, gave him a card, told him how happy I was, he ignored me and refused to even acknowledge the card or gift or the special day. When I asked him about it later, he said that he was afraid that I was expecting a proposal. So he had to treat me like crap, I guess?? friggin' jackass.

Its even worse when they throw church and Christ in your fave constantly to put you down

I was finally "hit" by this with my most recent narcissist. In addition to the past live bs, he brought in our parents and any others close to us that have passed. Mostly referred to as the "dead relatives," they were what was keeping us together.

yeah I had a very strange girl always tell me that I'm overthinking. Every time I was not doing what she wanted me to do, she would say "you're overthinking". She said it so often and with so much conviction, that (because I was young and naive) began to believe her - and really start to question myself.

I got that one too!

At least where you are stalking is illegal, it's not here in the middle of Europe, Switzerland... So I do can empathize with you very much ❤️

Best of luck to you. ☘

stay safe ❤

Don't stay to long.

I replied "no, you should have taken my medication "

This happened to me too. Wills and estates. Man they bring out the worst in ppl. It’s when we see who is who when we wouldn’t have otherwise

@@SoulSpa6835 You can’t just walk away either, there’s a process that needs to be completed. I ignore the bait and try and deal in facts and productivity. But he seems to need the game, the play strategy… can’t wait till it’s over and I can move on and not have that in my life!

I'm going through something similar and if I have to deal with him again, it will be through a mediator. I'm not going to talk to him anymore since if I say literally one word to him even in agreement he flips out on hour long tirades of what a horrible person I am for interrupting but that I'm not allowed to feel bad about it, (cause then he'd "feel bad" like try not yelling at me, bro) not allowed to say sorry or do anything but tremble in fear while being yelled at in my own house. He's lucky my doberman was in her crate.

@@E.C.Animation He sounds like a real mind F*! I am dealing through a lawyer, but I think the lawyer thinks he’s a golden boy! Glad your Pup was away from it, poor dog could have got kicked or something and we don’t want that so good for you. Wish you 🍀 luck!

@@stardust1593 that stinks that he's already manipulated the lawyer. My mom and he got a lawyer but left me out of it and I have a disability that prevents me from going places and doing much. He may sell Dad's things and that's a bummer but they are only things. Try selling the house without my consent or cut and then we'll see how that works out for him. I know more than he thinks about what happened. 😡

As a 22 year old who had a narcissistic stepfather your doing good. I wish my mother saw him for what he is and the damage he’s done to all of us

@@piru2913 Take heart, it was my oldest son who finally woke me up three years ago. He said to me "I'm going to show you just who he really is.". He showed me, alright, but made himself the number one target of my husband in doing so.. it's been one long and

and terrifying journey since then.

Mine goes out of her way to misinterpret myself and others to maintain her victim status.

yep agree, there's actually a couple more that are tricky because it's exactly what you say after realizing you've been gaslit for a while

I was thinking this too, because sometimes I've said "you're over-reacting" when they absolutely were. (Angry at me for "cheating" because I'd had sex in a previous relationship, years before I met her. She already knew I'd had a previous relationship, and it was 100% not cheating. Why was she still angry at me for it 3 years into our relationship???) Even though I told her she was over-reacting, I think it was her claiming I'd cheated which was the gaslighting. Cheating can be deeply damaging for trust in a relationship. Her reframing reality meant I could never fully earn her trust, and I was always trying to make up for something that I didn't f*****g do!!!! Together 3 years, and I still feel guilty for having a relationship before her. Crazy.

I had a narcissistic 'friend' that would accuse me of bringing up the past, too, but then would gas light me with all the phrases covered in the video, leaving me feeling confused, exhausted, etc. I think the idea is too absolve themselves of blame, I was Christian, and he would frequently ask for my forgiveness and this was done maliciously and intentionally.

YES!! "After everything I've done for you!" Yeah, all the beatings, torture, manipulation, lies, and terror are sooooo appreciated.

Keep writing notes...and find a lawyer that specialises in domestic violence/ psychological abuse.

Right! I was told I wasn't allowed to say sorry or feel bad because then they would feel bad. Like straight up coming out and admitting to not being able to face the consequences of their actions and that they must dictate and control my very feelings (while having zero control of their own feelings) but doesn't even have the self awareness to realize it. Lol It's funny now because I see it for what it is. Though that person is terrifying and dangerous when enraged which takes nothing to do so I still had to behave in a way that wouldn't trigger violent wrath (verbal wrath was unavoidable though). How exhausting. Done with that family member.