Why Avoidant Attachment Individuals Deactivate in Relationships

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In this video, I’m going to talk about Why Avoidant Attachment Individuals Deactivate in Relationships.
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Опубликовано:

5 окт 2024

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@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 3 года назад

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@poisonwine1849 3 года назад

This is spot on for my DA. He admitted to loving me but also that he couldn't do that to himself. It took me a while to figure out that he feared losing his autonomy and also himself in his love from me - that was what he said he couldn't do to himself. Did he once want to discuss it? Nope. If he had, he would've found out that I would have completely respected his need for me-time...because I'm the same! Such a huge waste of potential happiness. He let go of someone who not only loved him back, but someone who understood where he was coming from and someone who was willing to learn what she didn't.

@tucky3191 3 года назад

💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

@tallspicy 3 года назад

I had a da dump me after our first hard conversation where I accidentally triggered his unworthiness giving him advice on something he said he wanted to do (never a great idea, but not relationship ending). We had been dating for two months and it was fairly serious for something short. He actually had a 3 part breakdown mentioning it over 24 hours.... said he did not like talking about because he felt unworthy and beat himself up for what he had not done. I literally said apologized for making him feel that way and said I wanted to support him the way he wanted to be supported. He could not self soothe, pointed out something wrong with me and said he was no longer into our relationship. A secure man would have said: honey, I appreciate your help, can we not talk about it unless I ask you? My answer would have sure thing! Sorry again sweetie!

@gaara0110 3 года назад

My ex was also at some point telling me the same... that he loves me a lot but he felt unsecure, lost and being unstable in the relationship was making it hard for him and he was in his limit, me too thou... because i was asking for attention or a date because i wanted to spend a good time with him 😅 he was firstly AP, then when i also started to work on my FA attachment, i started to being present and willing to commit and do the work... so he went backwards and felt he wanted to be alone, he felt unheared and thought that i always wanted to do all in on my way... i just wanted to talk about those things... but he didn't also speak up... so the resentment were growing, i guess... in the end he left me, i loved him as a Person and i was commited to be there and give him his space, i encouraged him to take theraphy but well, for me also was exhausting and even i have been missing him every Single day for already 3 months... i think this way in the way he is now, it is the best.

@poisonwine1849 3 года назад

@@tallspicy That sounds so rough. I'm sorry that happened to you. Their low sense of self-worth gives them a defeatist mindset and they just cannot picture the other side, especially if they need to talk about things with their partner in order to get there. Talking things out is uncomfortable for them, and "there" seems inconceivable...so best not to even try and just to throw the whole thing away, love be damned. They won't advocate for themselves, and yet they freak out if we advocate for them...I don't know what else we can do. How are you coping, anyway?

@tallspicy 3 года назад

@@poisonwine1849 it happened a long time ago, but sadly the part of me that is aa keeps thinking about how it was my fault and that I am just some unlovable monster 🤦‍♀️

@Moonchildstargazer Год назад

Even the littlest of things with the DA can make them deactivate. Once I asked if he wanted to go shopping for winter boots together...shut down lol. I don't mean to laugh but the thought that shopping with a partner is "taking away autonomy" or too intimate is just silliness tbh. Unfathomable.

@sunshinestar6076 3 года назад

“The fears no to have our needs met combined to our painful stories”...amazing way to describe deactivation!

@xnflg3074 3 года назад

Good video. I also love that you don’t edit and leave in some of your little goofs. Your videos always feel so real and unrehearsed and honest. 👍👍

@Katrica670 3 года назад

Ain't that the truth! 😉☺️

@lisawentworth6831 3 года назад

Yeah, my partner us an avoidant...he pulls away. The last time we were together we were 'so close'...I felt the intimacy and closeness. Then the next morning I got a note that said I had to take a cab and leave, because the family was getting together! Tuesday I got a message that he needed us to 'cool off'. The problem is his fears are entirely in his head. Not only does this hurt me emotionally as much as bruises, but I am foreign, have spent my life's savings to have a proper courtship, he talks about a future with me...then pulls away! My fears are REAL; deportation, starving, eviction, etc because of fears in his head which I can only presume are from being ignored as a baby and having the family farm come first...which it still does. He also stopped having visitation with his young daughters, which is hurtful, and just goes into this shell of doing whatever his parents want, and has a fear of being loved by ME and having a healthy relationship? I should mention, he is pushing 50...

@michirista 3 года назад

First thing for all insecure attachment is RELAX !! Like ... stop your self sabotage dialogue,of course I know there are serious issues but is a good start !!

@michirista 3 года назад

@@Alphacentauri819 with the exception that the one who are pointed that gun are youself ! my point is that take control how you talk to yourself if you are avoidant... no all people try to take time from you ... If you are anxious preoccupied no all people try to leave you ,I mean attachment style's for me is kind a spectrum for different situations in life I been in some sides of that spectrum and was when I relax my self when I start to feel more secure ,not necessarily the best for you but you can try to stop those fake situations that we create in our heads ,knowing that all those coping mechanism are not your design !!!

@michirista 3 года назад

@@Alphacentauri819 exactly I think we both (as many others out there) have been through the same situation,we learned that instead of changing a specific person (or helping) rather this situation made us question ourselves and how good we thought we were,but you only learn it, I believe, when you calm down,when you have empathy ,when you accept that it is not anyone's responsibility to satisfy your needs more than yourself,when you forgive yourself,I don't blame this avoindant person anymore ,most of the time I'm calm and know my boudries,maybe this person change maybe not (I'm kinda empath person) but at the end I was the one responsible for the way I felt and feel !!!

@tdubblz 2 года назад

This makes a lot of sense to me. This is exactly how I feel. When someone invites me to come over to hang out, I’m happy to be included, yet super anxious about what they will expect of me and can I meet that expectation, how will I control and protect my feelings and emotions, worrying that I’ll start talking too much or that they will think I’m not “whatever” enough for them (Black enough, funny enough, interesting enough, woke enough, spiritual enough, lady like enough, real enough, etc. ). I think they just want something from me Andy are being kind to butter me up. So whenever I accept an invitation I’m thinking how can I socially safely retreat when I feel overwhelmed, will I be able to smoke/drink in that setting to calm my worries, and I also plan ahead of time an exit strategy and a time to leave before I even get there. A lot of times I’ll talk myself out doing something I really want to do, or spending time with someone I really want to spend time with, because alwaysI’m afraid they’ll discard me after I let my guard down and show my true self.

@warmhart2034 2 года назад

This must be why DAs tend to do "booty calls"" to limit time spent with partner and therefore limit risk of vulnerability and being truly seen.

@manuelsanchezdeinigo3959 3 года назад

This video really hit home, I never realized I needed “ Me Time “ and I would get aggravated when I was having my “ Me Time “ when other would call during that period. I am FA and my ex is DA and I wanted to spend time with her and she needed “ Me Time” and we didn’t know how to communicate those needs. Makes sense now ! Learning and growing! Thank you 🙏

@xnflg3074 3 года назад

As usual all this comes down to is communicating, it’s absurd how poor people can be at just being honest with themselves and others that they claim to care about. Vulnerability is very difficult in the callous and impersonal universe we inhabit but it is so frustrating to me how self-awareness is lacking in so many individuals.

@rebeccav7420 3 года назад

Makes me appreciate it all the more now when I actually do see it

@xnflg3074 3 года назад

@@Alphacentauri819 You’re not wrong but it becomes pretty apparent pretty quickly with someone whether or not they are able to communicate on a level that feels similar to yours. Yeah there are a lot of variables but as long as the baseline is good, things can be worked on as long as both parties are knowledgeable enough about such things. It’s both more complex and simpler than either of us said, I think.

@womynislandnow2206 3 года назад

I know it was an example but someone who will only give you Sunday evening in a whole week its a nono, unless the relationship is in very early stages. If my need for conexion is met with fear and avoidance Id run away.

@annetteprestia9647 3 года назад

One thing i don't understand is the idea that avoidants will become more secure with you once you have shown patience, given them space and not shamed them for their attachment style. Yet i also hear, the closer they feel to you, the more they deactivate. So I... I don't get it lol

@vladimirsamsonov46 3 года назад

It's not that confusing. When you behave secure you basically see regular DA. If you behave secure and are aware how to handle a DA you see a less deactivating DA. But if you are preoccupied you'll get a DA in panic regularly deactivated. Being secure yourself won't heal your DAs subconscious mind, it just makes the dynamic less painful for both.

@annetteprestia9647 3 года назад

@@vladimirsamsonov46 "When you behave secure you basically see regular DA." I can assure you there are many people here that will disagree with this. Maybe there's less arguments, cos i'm not starting them. But besides that - act secure and the DA likes you more. Then they get scared of feeling closer to you and deactivate

@Cafelattechic 3 года назад

@@vladimirsamsonov46 you may have a point but that hasn’t been my experience. I behave secure and yet my DA ex still deactivates. He recently came back after 5 weeks and we talked of meeting up. He deactivated and I haven’t heard from him since. Bear in mind that we were in NO CONTACT during that 5 week period- it was total silence from me. I hadn’t even done anything when he reached out and he deactivated 😂 You can’t make this up!

@annetteprestia9647 3 года назад

@@Cafelattechic I'm sorry Amara. It's really difficult to go through and frustrating. Hope you are ok

@poisonwine1849 3 года назад

@@Cafelattechic The same thing happened to me. He was the one who made plans, then he deactivated and ghosted me a week before the date. Then, after seven months of no contact, he started sniffing around my IG, liking old posts and reacting to my stories. Stupid me thought he needed a green light from me (because God forbid he takes charge for once) so I DM'd him, only for his response to be lukewarm. He stopped watching my stories shortly after, and now we're back to being nothing. Wtf?

@ThisVividLife 3 года назад

So timely. Keep the great videos coming

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 3 года назад

thanks Devonda! -PDS team member

@roshalllambert 3 года назад

Excellent video! as always and I love the emotional processing tool inside the school. It is the exercise I have done most often as compared to others.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 3 года назад

Thanks Roshall! Glad the exercise is working well for you :) -PDS team member

@lorivinal 3 года назад

I printed that one out and couldn’t figure it out

@MegaShelby111 3 года назад

Your videos are so helpful in understanding myself but also others. It may be a sign of my anxious preoccupaied self but I just always want to know how I can reassure that I not only respect but love DA's need for self. Maybe the biggest thing is just giving the space but I struggle to find the balance of knowing when I am overvaluing their needs and undervaluing mine. Just got 6 months of the program so hopefully I will keep learning!

@magnoliasegun4994 3 года назад

I was an anxious avoidant. I also got into relationships with these types of people. So I didn’t realize the pattern until I started working on myself. When you are not self-aware it is difficult to change. Meditation worked 100%. I haven’t stopped meditating. I am in a secure attachment relationship now. Do not have trouble communicating. I saw some comments of people saying that you have to communicate all the time. There’s times when we don’t communicate and it’s OK. It doesn’t mean he’s going to leave me. I like the space, not everyone has to be clingy LOL

@sarahduffy4261 3 года назад

Hi, how long did it take you to become secure? Did you use any other techniques along with meditation?

@magnoliasegun4994 3 года назад

@@sarahduffy4261 it might sound silly but affirmations was really helpful. Didn’t think it was going to be but it really was. Also self hypnosis. It’s pretty much like meditation but you go a little deeper. One of my other issues was being with people I felt wanted me to change. Now I am with someone who respects me and accepts me. It comes down to your belief system. Once you change that, things will be better. It may not be easy at times, but you could do this! ❤️

@magnoliasegun4994 3 года назад

@@sarahduffy4261 oh, I forgot it took me about five or six months :-)

@sarahduffy4261 3 года назад

@Clare Magnolia thank you so much for your reply, that's so helpful!💜

@Katrica670 3 года назад

Great video! ☺️☺️❤️❤️ Practice doing things a new way aka opposite and then the old programs will dissipate! ☺️☺️ Neurons that fire together wire together!❤️❤️ #emotionalmastery Thank you!

@TheAlexcristian21 Год назад

I have been in a relationship wit a DA me, as anxios to secure attachment and i want to say that it is the worst experience ever. Sorry for DA but the enability to verbalize the needs ,wants and the covert attitude is overwhelming. Silent treatment, gaslighting, stonewalling etc only because i express my needs. DA wants to hang out by themselfs, flirt, stay on social media, no sex and i shoud cook, housework and understand her. DA are the worst, and most painful attachment style to brake up.

@mariog3326 3 года назад

The sad part of all of this is that some people don't want to work on themselves. My ex was like this and I had no idea how to deal with all of this. And when covid hit she felt trapped but I couldn't help it I couldn't go nowhere. And she didn't even want to walk the dogs, excercises, go visit friends nothing at all.

@mariog3326 3 года назад

@@Alphacentauri819 True but if they don't seek help they'll go through life not only wrecking theirs lives but also others.

@mariog3326 3 года назад

@@Alphacentauri819 Sure, and keep in mind I'm talking about my personal experience and what I've experienced in my profession. When someone who is suffering in any mental illness such as depression, in most cases other symptoms are attached. So when they go into a relationship with someone else, before seeks professional help they will also integrate that toxicity into that relationship.

@mariog3326 3 года назад

@@Alphacentauri819 Amen!

@sg-po5xq 3 года назад

That described work example is exactly my story. And now she is gone for like 5 months....

@laurrelei 3 года назад

Please, please, put that specific video on Spotify!! We need it there!!

@nathansnature 3 года назад

Haven't even watched it yet and liked

@JustJRR 3 года назад

Your videos help me so much. Thank you Thais.

@radar1151 3 года назад

This is one of your best videos

@niamhhannon1580 3 года назад

Could you do a video on triangulation, where it comea from how to heal it. I only ever see demonising information on it in regards to narcissistic personality or traits and I feel that's a very dead end road for personal growth. Please and thank you. Love your videos 💖

@michaelblue6150 3 года назад

Is ghosting a form of deactivating?

@LokiSherry 3 года назад

I am a DA, if I ghost (which is rare), it's because I don't feel like I am being heard or understood and I give up trying to explain myself.

@michaelblue6150 3 года назад

@@LokiSherry thanks for sharing the response. Would u say communication is difficult for u or do u feel misunderstood?

@LokiSherry 3 года назад

Both, I try my best to communicate and if after multiple attempts, I fail to be understood, I pull away. Insecure people scare me because they don't like space. In my last relationship, we agreed on an acceptable time limit for space. I was pulling away for 2-3 days and he asked me to promise never to go more than 24 hours. We both respected each other's differences. Although the relationship ended, it wasn't due to lack of communication

@michaelblue6150 3 года назад

@@LokiSherry That helps a lot thanks again. For DAs, when space is taken what is happening during this time? Is it a time to think to calm down to sort feelings etc.?

@LokiSherry 3 года назад

I would have to say every DA is probably different. I may communicate better because I am aware that I am a DA. If the person I am pulling away from reaches out to me, I will always respond, albeit short responses but to say I'm not giving up, I just need a little time. I do fear losing myself in another person. I will always need alone time and could never be in a relationship where we are "joined at the hip". That said, I am super loyal and faithful but I don't know how to prove that to another while at the same time keeping my much needed alone time

@tucky3191 3 года назад

So, How do we handle this/comfort Them? Just keep leaving them alone?

@dawnacoxon3111 3 года назад

You handle it by learning to love yourself enough to fulfill your own needs which may include walking away from someone that is not very emotionally available.

@sophiafara5997 3 года назад

@@dawnacoxon3111 excellent

@dawnacoxon3111 3 года назад

@@Alphacentauri819 amen! Very much the same attracted dismissive people my whole life. I’m done trying to figure out why they behave that way or to help them to overcome, instead I’m working at protecting myself and looking for relationships that are fulfilling and the emotional attunement is there 🙏❤️ And I should note LOL I listen to these videos to remind myself. So that I am not accountable for other peoples behaviors and I leave that with them.

@tucky3191 3 года назад

@@dawnacoxon3111 what if they are a friend and not a romantic relationship? Is it healthy to set boundaries around the hot and cold behavior or if I was secure would that be ok with me- if they randomly needed months of space and then came back

@dawnacoxon3111 3 года назад

@@tucky3191 Boundaries are literally how you define yourself. Are you OK with someone doing that? That’s up to you. Personally I think hot and cold behavior from anyone doesn’t feel so good. We tend to allow the same type of behavior no matter whether it’s coming from a romantic partner or a friend or even a boss. So you need to get to know yourself really good and decide what you’re OK with and then set those boundaries.

@itsbritneybby 2 года назад

my ex is fa and introvert, he was always half in half out but there were many times when we were together he was so loving and always telling me how much he loved me, but broke up with me many times but then coming back, i was never once nasty aloof or anything to him in the 9 months, just always loving and supportive, he always wanted alone time and 2 weeks ago i think he left for good, didnt speak for a week as he told me not too then i ended up reaching out, he was nice to start but when we spoke on the phone as i told him i needed to speak to him he was like ice (so hurtful) then later in the night putting the odd kiss on a message if i text him, i love him so much and this is killing me