I am very guilty of the avoidant attachment style. It’s something I need to work on. In my household, emotions weren’t allowed (or you’d be punished or mocked), and hugs and affection very sparse. Along with that my parents basically left me to raise myself. So definitely a lot of unlearning learned behaviors for me to do.
Same is my story. My father is a narcissist who completely neglected me and abused me physically n emotionally. My mother is a submissive woman who could not do much.she was herself abused by him. So in totality I also in a way all alone without any help care or support. Nobody is there to guide me through life. My family is cruel. No hugs, no emotional support, love or sympathy is allowed in my house. I would be punished if I expect this from my father. He hates all this. He will be more mad. Now I feel alone in this world. No one I can go to for help love or guidance. I just have one question what have I done to deserve all this? I actually get confused, nervous when I see normal people around me who has normal loving parents. Loving siblings and partners. I really don't know how to connect with normal people. There is nothing comman between us. Life has been really tough.
One thing that caused me pain and heartache in relationships was not making a fuss when my partner did things that crossed my boundaries and hurt me. I thought I had to tolerate it. Listen to me everybody. Make a fuss!
This is literally me. I struggle to voice my upset and dismay with poor treatment. Trying really hard to advocate for myself in the moment but it’s going against all my programming.
@@sparrowwilson4514 I've just started standing up for myself without " losing it" 🤣itceas getting exhausting, honestly, I feel much stronger, and dont care about the outcomes, just speaking from my heart , and doing best to focus on what I'm creating with harmony. I have much more peace and freedom without drama in my life ( I mean people who are unable 4 whateVa reason, to respect me and my boundaries) nicer people are entering my life 🌸🎶 Rock on, yu know, yu r Be🍓utiful and deserve Only Love 🌸🎶🌸🎶🌸🎶
@@sparrowwilson4514 I never make/made a fuss either. But I'm older now, spent years alone after a terrible broken heart. I'm dating again. But I'm using boundaries and strength I Never had. Childhood fairy gives great tools and info. I need to be able to Show up. I need to hold my ground appropriately.
Yeah I never wanted to be a "bitch" and it has cost me dearly. I'm tough as hell in every other part of my life and with clients or friends but in relationships....marshmallow. Until this last relationship. He was an avoidant big time, loved me but just couldn't stick in place. Always coming and leaving town until I said no more I'm done. He is still trying to hold on.
If a parent was unable or unwilling to be emotionally available, when you were a small child- helpless and dependent on them. You likely felt invisible as a kid. Parents are our first teachers of love- how to be loved, what love is, etc. Many people slowly realize that their romantic partners most resemble a negligent or unavailable parent, and that they are only repeating the past in the present. We attract partners like this for healing. You’re not “giving up.” Remember, you’re not a fix it, rehab center, nurse, therapist or their parent...they have to do the inner work
I like to think it’s getting better with each generation though. I hope it is anyways. We are becoming more aware and conscious. I feel like two generations ago they didn’t know anything about any of this. Just walking around unconscious. 😂 Traumatizing all their babies too.
Learning about attachment theory changed my life. I had the worst heartbreak of my life with an avoidant person and I couldn't understand why certain things made me so emotional, why this pattern was so painful. I took on all the blame for why things weren't working. I felt crazy, not like myself. Being able to put a name to the dynamic and hear that other people were being affected in a similar way massively accelerated my healing.
“It feels like you have been kicked out of the human race…” you have described it to a tee. The rage, grief, panic all at once. No one else in my circle reacted like that. 🥺
I dated an avoidant for several months and he would constantly pull away and come back, and it never triggered me until 7 months in and out of fear that he would pull away again, I ended it, abruptly, which I didn't mean to do, but I was scared that he would abandon me, again. After this, he called it off for good. Either I didn't have this fear of abandonment until I entered this relationship, or it was triggered from childhood wounds. Either way, I won't date an avoidant, again. It's too toxic... even for secure people.
Yes true.. Even I felt all my childhood issues were aggravated by this person which in turn created a constant fear of abandonment. Best decision was to break up with him. Wish you lots of hope and healing ❤️🩹
Yes! Being around a dismissive avoidant destroys people’s confidence, even for secure people. There’s this episode of Will & Grace where Karen who is the coldest most heartless fiercely independent beyond confident biotch gets involved with a guy like this, and she turns into a puddle of insecure mush because of his dismissive avoidant-then-comes back-repetitively bs..
Broke up with an avoidant partner a week ago.. it’s been brutal since I feel still attached but honestly I felt more alone being with him than without him now. I came across Anna’s videos in an attempt to find why i keep having failed relationships. This has been eye opening..Thank you for your work!
I'm going through this it's so painful it's been 3 months he doesn't contact alot didn't wish me happy valentine's doesn't ask questions about me and he's not that attractive even but I don't know how to leave
After my father died (I was five) I spent the next 15 years raising my mother: cold, narcissistic, we lived in 19 places until I moved out for college. I met someone who mirrored my mother, never once said, "I love you", and finally, after another 50 years, I'm learning to let myself off the hook. My mother taught me, "You are only half a person unless you are half of a couple." I've spent 70 years (minus the first five) under this sick delusion.
I can relate so much my father died at 8 and I spent the rest of my life raising my mother. I just told her this week I need me back. Of course I had children with a narcissistic and I’m trying to rebuild my life. I need her help but you guessed it, everything still about her!! I learned I’m only valuable if I’m useful to someone or taking care of them.
Your mother was very fortunate to have you, however, not visa versa. None of them said I love you in that generation. The first time I heard “I love you” was from a boyfriend at age 14. 🙄Ridiculous. I am 70 now. Looking back on how idiots were in charge of me. I made out ok, good husband & adult kids, but my parents & siblings SUCKED. 👎🏼👎🏼
I had a friend like this... At first it was out of this world we had so much fun together than it went sour, saw the red flags, had the instincts but it was almost like being possessed I couldn't do anything about it and I lost everything and poof the dark night begins and its been hella hard to rebuild almost impossible.
I always wondered what was wrong with me. This is making so much sense. It’s clear it’s not a one way street. Relationships start out fine, and then it gets weird, then intolerable. I see it’s my perception and response to the women I meet, and I also see, being a guy, along with my past, I look for “projects” to “fix”. I’m a fixer by nature. I’m a guy. The bigger the crisis, the more effective I am. I thrive in a crisis. I’m a “First Responder” without any formal training. Thank you for this enlightening information, and bringing so many confusing questions into clarity. 🍻🍻
Telling someone they’d like to “build trust” while dating others is called MANIPULATION and it’s flat-out abusive and degrading to the other person. OP’s ex is a classic user and deep-down she knows she’s being treated as an option.
Don't trust or choose a man that can "text the text" but doesn't talk the talk! Dont be smitten by loving message. Be smitten by someone who looks you in the eye and says it out loud.
@@alanrush1381 the video is about emotional avoidant partners. They don't communicate very well and so my comment is in regards to emotionally and communicative avoidant partners. I've been with a few that can't express emotions verbally. It is valid that actions are important, but again this is a post about avoidants not manipulators!
As we get older, it’s very difficult finding single people who aren’t screwed up too. Single friends and potential partners over age 40 - where do you look and how do you expand your circle and find HEALTHIER people for relationships at this age? Online dating is packed full of scammers and conmen, nearly impossible to find real people.
I'm living through the same experience as you so I totally understand. I've just signed up for a matchmaking agency. It doesn't guarantee anything but at least it eliminates the players, commitment.phobics, casual daters etc. (there's a fee to pay which is much, much higher than anything online so its a filter only people who really look for something serious get in). On the other hand, they can of course have this money and still be screwed up ;) but at least you know you're both looking for a relationship and can take it from there to see if they are kind, good hearted, compatible with you etc.
As a 26 year old, there are those that vibe with online dating and those that don't. As someone who deals with these abandonment issues, ADHD, etc, I've personally resolved myself to a life of solitude and hope that eventually I can be whole enough to bring love to someone's life.
@@needy3535 I totally understand how you feel. I don't want to give the cliché "but you're young" but it does help to start healing at a young age. You've got plenty of time to develop and grow, and find love eventually with no pressure. Best wishes!
@@pronobiska while it is sad, growing up in an extremely religious home made me romanticize a lot of stuff, and I feel so much lighter knowing that sometimes love is boring and it's the small moments, not the grand gestures that really matter.
As people have from increasing marriages e.g. 1st, 2nd, 3rd marriages, the ‘success rate’ of each one goes down, percentage wise. Super important to get premarital counselling with an MFT trained therapist.
this one really hit home 🥺 I think the hardest part, personally, is how avoidant partner’s exaggerated reactions like blocking, leaving for months with no word etc. at discomfort to display of emotion by an anxious partner is like pouring gasoline on intense childhood guilt (that definitely needs to be worked through) that if we had just done something different or not been the way we are, we wouldn’t have been left or neglected the way we were. It can send the anxious person into a spiral of basically their own personal hell where the only thing you can hear (if you stop chasing the avoidant person and listen) is: It was all your fault. Chasing the avoidant person is running away from that ingrained existential fear - it can keep you on the run forever to change a story the avoidant person, ironically, keeps confirming unless and until things are done differently on BOTH sides. What I am learning is that when I stand in that place and face the fears, I begin to learn that this story was never true. I can stop running. The issue is getting my nervous system to adjust, and that takes time and persistent reminders from sources like this to overwrite the default story built-in to the self-concept at such an early age.
codependent people learn to put the needs of others ahead of their own and will sacrifice their needs and principles in order to maintain relationships. People who are codependent feel a strong pull toward validation and self-worth from others. When they don’t receive it, they become anxious. You actually can unlearn these patterns. It starts with building yourself internally. I recommend reading Codependency No More by Melody Beattie, and the concepts really were eye opening for me. I understood how I contributed to the dysfunction in the name of empath and love. Love is free and unconditional. Even if you moved a million miles away and blocked him/her, you CAN still love him. But you realize the relationship isn’t healthy or stable. All you can do is take good care of your heart, and give your energy to those who fully see you.
Have you heard about resetting your fight, flight, freeze system? System wasn't the right word. Anyway you need to take a cold shower for 2 min. The colder the better do this 5 - 7 days a week, after a month it should be reset. Have a great day!!
Well put it takes the moment to see that you can stop running and change the outcome by your new words and new actions. No longer disregulated but more understanding of self so now get to choose new reactions how cool is that xx
I naturally have an avoidant attachment style but through self awareness I am learning to become more secure. I still feel impulses towards avoidant reactions but now I challenge them more.
The other side of this, is that it’s ok to put up boundaries if someone avoidant is treating you badly - taking too long to respond - hot and cold with you. Boundaries are actually healing.
What you said about the sickening mixture of intolerable "rage, grief and panic".. you were so spot on, sad it's so common because it can lead people to make extreme mistakes they can't undo and blame themselves forever and ever
Yes. I have done this because of the extreme panic state and packed my bags and left. I just didn’t know what was happening. Now I do but I’m in grief over whether it was right to leave even though he was emotionally abusive. Could I have handled it differently.
That the worst feeling ever... and it's so hard to get over it. It's been 6+ yeas for me and I still feel it sometimes. Especially the rage and the grief and blaming myself...
Emotional neglect applies to Avoidant Attachment style. Abandonment Wounds that are so deep inside my heart. No one has any idea of how bad it was in the 1980s for me.
I’ve spent my entire life (I’m 65) in and out of relationships, all of which were unhealthy and unsuccessful. I grew up being ignored, put down constantly. I learned early on that the way I was, was not good enough. Long story short, I see no reason whatsoever to be in any kind of relationship. What for? To load up on daily pain and angst? A happy family is all I ever wanted until I realized I have no idea what that looks like. Same with a good man-what does a good one look like or sound like? I have no idea. So I’ve come to the decision that none of them that I’d pick have anything I want or need. So it’s just me and my dog.
Hi. Thank you for this. I was surprised to hear you say that blocking someone is a crappy thing to do, unless the person is a stalker. If the person is a narcissist, or otherwise abusive, blocking after ending the relationship is beneficial in order to pursue healing, in my opinion.
Have started to deal with these strong sensations and sit in them. Holding on to myself. Previously I had reacted. But mostly just kept quiet and froze inside. But see that these triggers also come on when I am with someone who is avoidant. Have started to get a voice. Being able to speak instead of my cptsd setting it up. Because it has ruined and that I didn't dare to have a relationship either. But worked many years with myself. Began to become an adult at the age of 48. Also able to put my foot down. Started talking and having boundaries. Then I don't want to get into a relationship too quickly. For those I met. Have wanted very early. Said yes early. But learned to relearn.
I am astonished at how concise and articulate you are, moreso than any therapist I’ve ever worked with. That you are giving excellent guidance & wisdom away for free makes you no less than a miracle worker for me and I are just am extraordinarily grateful.
I read somewhere that children need to hear from parents 'i love you' every day. So i started doing this to my son. First it felt very strange, because needless to say, i never had it myself. But then i started to get used to it and i loved it. I say it in all different ways to my son, looking into his eyes. So he gets used to this and gravitates towards it in adulthood. It really is something you learn, like a different language. I used to believe that anything related to psychology is set, but it's not. We are flexible human beings and can learn and unlearn our behaviour. I read that it takes approximately 7 days to break a habit (by substituting it to something else) Our behaviour IS a habit essentially.
I love this community! I send blessings and prayers to each one of you brave, courageous people who are so willing to stand up and be here fully! Willing to grow and change. Your unique spirit is priceless! You are loved and there is Hope for your future !!!❤️( Jeremiah 11:29) Thank- you, Anna!
I avoid everyone all the time. I get sad when I do bc it reminds me of how I have only had myself to rely on or believe in. I was a kid that was let to cry it out. My mother never came when I cried. I felt it then and it is still with me now at 48. I hope I never make my kids feel this way.
I think people who have grown up with neglect or abuse have an innate survival sense of discernment of when people are selfish, self centered, ignorant and basically jerks, and putting up a wall of saying 'enough' is usually late in the draw and after much emotional turmoil trying to hang onto a manipulator or user. Finding love means a person who empathizes with someone's past. No way is shutting him down when he refuses to even come to the table with basic respect is abusive. No way. It's unworkable because he's disinterested in a relationship but wants the benefit (sex), using the person vulnerable and needing genuine love. Its about conscience not capability or analysis per se, IMO. I would not shoot the wounded and above all people need to know they have the right to say someone is wrong and there are victims vs bullies or they will get messed up. Abuse of any kind is NEVER the fault of the recipient and he was as described the abuser, not her!
Oh my...those two attachment styles: that's me and my husband...I'm the anxious, he's the avoidant...married 54 years this month. I FINALLY realized when I was 50, what was going on, and changed the 'dance' which caused a LOT of drama...the next 2 decades were rough but I learned how to deal with him..I do believe he may be clinical narcissistic personality disordered, but very low level..we did marriage counseling and he didn't really engage, but he did take an empathy test and he didn't even make it onto the scale..he was below 1...I knew he was not empathetic and I was an empath ...once I realized he was avoidant I learned how to 'get through' to him on some levels..he was abandonded by his mother when he was 5 and his father allowed him to believe she was a bad person..never told him that, but let him think that...he never reconciled with his mother but his sister and 2 brothers, all older than he, did..they seemed to be much healthier people emotionally. He has come a long way and one thing that helped was when he got saved...the problem then, though, became that he was what I call cultish..he was attracted to dictatorial churches and pastors that focused on God's judgement vs God's grace..since then he's had some personal failures and now he is not as harsh, but prob only b/c he's done the same...still harsh in other areas..I choose to extend grace to him and show him unconditional love, but no longer allow him to bully me with his passive aggressive behaviors..he knows he can't manipulate me..he 'needs' a lot of attention and praise and gets that from other places...we make it work. NOT easy..and I'd advise anyone who is young to avoid this kind of relationship, to get out if you can and not think the person will change or that you can change him/her...you can't if they have the npd behaviors that my husband has.
@@melw3313 We were very young when we got married, we both had baggage. I loved him and I'd made a vow before God when I married him 'until death'. I still loved him and I stayed the course but only b/c I believed it was what God wanted me to do. The Bible says 'love suffers long'...'love never gives up'...'love endures all things"...I wanted to demonstrate that kind of love to him. God did work in his heart and I saw the evidence of it...but it was a slow process..almost 2 decades. God transformed our marriage and I'm glad I stayed the course. But it doesn't always work out that way..It only takes one person to ruin a marriage. Each marriage is unique and complex. I was in no danger physically or emotionally and I had nothing to lose by staying. I wanted to set an example for my children too, that sometimes we must 'suffer for righteousness sake", just like Jesus did because he loved us....
Im anxiously attached & I do attract avoidant people. I adopted the mindset that if I block someone... that's final. I don't unblock people. They could give me their kidney & they would still remain blocked. For avoiders I put the relationship "on ice". I communicate exactly what is wrong then I mute their social media, delete their messages, and stop messaging them. The relationship is "over" as far as Im concerned until they address the issue. I will start going on dates & exploring new opportunities. I am completely unwilling to do the whole "push & pull" dynamic of an anxious-avoidant relationship. I find it incredibly destabilizing.
Greatest learning: most of the coping mechanisms that stand in my way, now as an adult, are coming from situations i could not talk through💡. As a child, i never had someone that listened to me. My body talked (posture) my grades talked, i often had no words for what happened to me in the social dynamic and when i started to talk, to paint a picture of what happened with the words i had, my parents felt hurt and couldn't stand to see me that unhappy. They didn't want to hurt me and came up with ideas for quick solutions of those symptoms. Never truly listened to me. That left me ashamed and with the information it is my fault. In school, as my grades are bad and my books and stuff got broken i am not dump so i have to be lazy and not caring enough. Nope, stressed out and dissociative. My school materials got used as football by my classmates. With my bad posture: its my fault that people bully me if i always watch to the flor. Turn around. As the bullying have been organized in school and went from kindergarten over more that a decade, my posture changed. Where is the hole to hide in? Today my body keeps talking. My muscles hold an intense and painfull tension. I try to listen. But since i never learned it, i try and if i die trying. I will never give up. As a person who had no possibility to talk about those things i am gratefull to learn words and precise terms or sentences for this. Thank you so much for your work Anna and that you share so much for free 🙏 Due to my body response to stress from 1 doing something for or with someone. 2 In order to get something done so it can be seen 🕳️. And 3 measured, it is (now) not possible for me to work. If i do my body collapses. So money is a real issue. And i have to do small steps. Started with the daily technique a year ago, as it have been established and i could put money aside, i invested in learning meditation properly, saving money and now doing the dating course to address my relationship reactivities, that hold me back in the well known isolation. Maybe healing out of isolation even helps me to handle the social aspect of work and when i give it a new try some day i can work and stay healthy. Step by step. One after the other. May god bless you, Anna. What you do matters a lot to me and when more people are less reactive there will be more peace, more heaven on earth, at least there is more peace and heaven in myself after i started my journey with your writing and meditation technique. Lots of love ❤️
I have attached to avoidant partners all my life. Men who have sabotaged the relationship, or never invested themselves fully or lied to me. I can better understand this pattern now. I thought it was only because of my father wound. My dad always made me feel worthless. We've never had a real conversation up til now. I barely know him. He was abusive to my mum and never loved us. He kept saying he never wanted to be a dad anyway. He never paid for child support, as he thought we would turn badly. He kept saying to his friends and relatives that he would not invest in the education of future drug addicts and single moms. That's the plan he had for us. He must be really disappointed today, as my sisters and I are all educated and professionals today.
I am speechless. I’ve searched for many years for the words to the experience of it all. I’ve never quite known how to describe it so my closest friends could understand why I am isolative at times. I get overwhelmed so easily. I am so glad to find this video!
I'm def avoidant. Been working on being more secure. Also grateful for Anna's perspective on things. I feel less guilty about my last relationship. We had some aspects that were great but others that were unhealthy. I think our break up was a good thing. We needed to heal things separately.
codependent people learn to put the needs of others ahead of their own and will sacrifice their needs and principles in order to maintain relationships. People who are codependent feel a strong pull toward validation and self-worth from others. When they don’t receive it, they become anxious. You actually can unlearn these patterns. It starts with building yourself internally. I recommend reading Codependency No More by Melody Beattie, and the concepts really were eye opening for me. I understood how I contributed to the dysfunction in the name of empath and love. Love is free and unconditional. Even if you moved a million miles away and blocked him/her, you CAN still love him. But you realize the relationship isn’t healthy or stable. All you can do is take good care of your heart, and give your energy to those who fully see you.
I don’t think I’m doing these things much anymore but I’m left depressed. It’s like I’ve given up on Hope. Hope seems to only cause me disappointment and more pain. I think I’ve become more comfortable in feeling very little.
I did this in a situation I was recently in. I wished them well then blocked them. Not maliciously, but in order to heal and set a firm and final boundary for myself and for them too.
You do what helps you, we tend to think about everyone else's feelings but our own. Self love means putting your needs first, it's not selfish it's survival. Plus avoidants put themselves and their feelings above everyone else. That's why they are so cold and distant because self regulation is the name of the game for them.
I recently did this and so this everytime i break up. this is because i know myself well and my self regulation ability is low. so i will check their profile 10 times a day and the remain stuck in the healing process. it’s not about hating them, it’s about loving myself enough to know my bad habits and protect ingredients myself from myself. Wow, when i write it all out, it sure sounds like self sabotage.
Wow this is great!!! I literally deal with this regularly. My Husband and I are living separately but still exclusive to each other due to a lot of complications rooted in this attachment style. (Spoiler alert: I'm the anxious one lol) I didn't know what melange was but have experienced it my whole life. I have CPTSD. I always called it: "feeling like I'm ok and then suddenly falling off a cliff" lol...or "an episode" Coping skills learned through trauma informed therapy, DBT, and CBT really helped me as well as staying connected to a community even when I don't feel like it all the time due to feelings of depression at times. It's nice to finally have a name for it and so validating to hear someone talking about this. Thank you.
Please go and get some professional help with a good therapist. You probably have a great husband going to waste. Kids get dealt cars they did not ask for or deserve. Most can't work it out themselves without help. I'm living the nightmare of a great wife that had an upbringing that was mostly not right with unloving parents and I've coped it. Just took 17 years to be told what the problem is.
Hi! I’m curious to know how living apart but remaining in the relationship and exclusive has worked out for you? My partner and I have recently taken this plunge and it feels like a healthy choice that will give us both the space and time we need for growth, but am always looking for more information and my anxious monster is definitely having a pretty hard time 😬 😅
Dating an avoidment helped me learn about attachment styles, I always felt the push/pull with him. I was always feeling anxious waiting for his texts and when he would text back I would feel a release of endorphins. I dated him for a few months and felt it was time to ask the what are we question. To my surprise, he ghosted me. It hurt so bad but I refused to reach out to him after that question because it's already hard enough for me to be vulnerable. 5 months later I run into him and we had small talk like nothing happened, it's probably the 'cool girl' persona I was using. We started going on dates again only this time my anxiety was worse than before because I didn't know if he was going to ghost me again and I had grown attached to him already. We had a date and he told me to text him when I got home, which I did and no response from him. I didn't hear from him for a few days and when he texted me I immediately told him I needed to cut things off with him, it was the abandonment melange talking. A few weeks later I almost texted him apologizing but I knew right then and there that I would be emotionally abusive and I had to stick with what I did. This lesson lead me to my healing journey. Even though I miss him, I know it was for the best for the both of us.
Its ok to cut off from someone who doesn’t reply for a few days though - Especially after they asked you to text, after they ghosted you and you never got to discuss how that felt and it was just swept under the rug. To me that sounds like a healthy boundary around someone who doesn’t treat you right..
@@hadassah6085 That makes sense and validates my feelings about it. I have a hard time trusting my judgment and wonder if I only would of done this or that then maybe the outcome would of been different.
Laura I can be the same. It’s hard to trust your feelings when you grew up without and validation and have had a lot of gaslighting. (For me) I have to think about what is reasonable and unreasonable behavior and I notice if my feelings are being heard, or I’m expected to push them under the rug and stay on surface level. I also have to make sure I don’t gaslight myself or feel overly responsible for repair and keeping the peace. It’s all childhood survival tools that served me as a child, but not anymore. Paying attention to how I feel in my body helps me. That was hard for me to learn as I had to shut that down as a child for never being comforted. Really - he was unkind to you and you think it’s all your fault. You’re not emotionally abusive - you gave someone a second chance and they still lacked the ability to talk through what had happened and do any appropriate repairs.
In more detail - he was more than unkind to you - he strung you along for a few months and when you asked a really reasonable question about where the relationship stands - he couldn’t even take the time to answer and ghosted - and then when you bumped into him again - it was all ignored and you were expected to text him, which you did - only for him to ignore for a few days again. He sounds like a user - taking what he can get without being accountable in any basic way. You were never emotionally abusive. He was - it’s more than neglect - it’s intentional disregard when you spoke up and asked a basic question about where the relationship was. It’s really healthy to talk about that topic and expectations, even early on than how patient you were.
@@hadassah6085Wow thank you so much for your healing words, I needed to hear that more that you know. It's been a few months since I cut him off and I've been feeling guilty about it still. Now I can look at it with clear vision and not how I'm responsible how he treated me. CPTSD is a real struggle and I'm so glad I found this channel to connect with others who also suffer from it. I know with real work we can heal. Even though I can look back in my dating past and relationships I can truly say that I've never experienced a healthy relationship, I've never felt loved or respected for who I was and I always felt responsible for the mistreat because I thought I provoked them to treat me that way. I don't know when I'll be ready to date again but I know I'm beyond sick of this cycle and ready to do whatever it takes to heal. Good luck to your healing journey as well🤍
Our society is so broken: females have everything except their physical/sexual/relational/reproductive self taken away from them SO often. This leaves us, childhood PTSD or not, a hot mess of a human being with no interests other than men. So no wonder we are a frantic mess. DO not let this sick society ruin your life another day. Have other interests. Love people. Heal and grow 🌱🍀☀️"Know Something, Do Something, Be Something," as Taylor Allderdice said. This is a very helpful channel. Also see the bigger picture 🖼️ of society and Our World 🌎🌍🌏What good can you do? Do it!!!!!!!
you are generalizing women. many women, including myself, don't identify as "having no interests other than men." also, many women, including myself, struggle with avoidance. avoidance is not always in the context of an avoidant man and anxious woman. but avoidant people in general tend not to run to the internet to express their feelings to self-help youtube channels, which is why the trope of the avoidant man and anxious woman is such a prevalent depiction of this relationship dynamic online
I lost my mom as an infant, my dad was emotionally unavailable and his second wife was physically and verbally abusive. I fall for people HARD that don’t want commitment and who disappear for weeks at a time and ignore my messages. I tolerate it because they feel like my “soulmate” or “twin flame” or someone I knew in a past life. It’s so exhausting. Getting help for it now. Thanks for getting me there, Crappy Childhood Fairy 🧚♀️
Yes just on the one point on abandonment melange, its the desperation to cut it off/out as quickly and urgently as possible because one is so demoralized & traumatized by the relationship dynamic & your own seeming inability to internally find the power to decide for it to be over. Thanks so much for the channel, just found it, am sure im going to learn so much more, thanks Anna
Wow you said something around the 14th minute that really resonated with me. And just made me tear up out of nowhere. We did what we had to do to put up and work with being isolated and mistreated. Thank you!
I block, to try prevent myself from contacting the person again. To prevent seeing them on my SM or responding to them if they reach out. It's a great way to move on from a toxic relationship.
I understand this. I had to see my mum suffer in agony with a brain tumour age 13. My dad we now know had severe MH issues. He was so up and down and could not support me. My bro ran away and went into a children's home. I had little support or support at school. Life has been hard. I am tough and find people who cannot cope in life weak and difficult. I fear a relationship where someone is vulnerable in any way esp health like I will have to be a carer again. I am 55 and never married but men like me! I am learning lots. None of this was my fault. Counselling is helping me with relationships.
OMG....do you know me and him? You described us perfectly. It's been 11 long years and I've gone no contact for the 50th time. I realized the emotional trauma I caused him when I would block him but I don't think he realized the trauma he caused me by being inconsistent. I feel guilty for feeling strong enough to move on.
I believe God uses you to change lives. At age 70, I now understand much. Looking forward to growing in healthier relationships. Love the way you share and your giggles 😃 xo thank you
Basically opening up old wounds, you gotta stay away from this kinda person at all costs. They will continue to bring up mistakes or old stories as a way to keep you down
I am definitely going to rewatch this but with a notebook at hand. This resonated with me deeply. I am going to check out the links as I could use some strength in navigating the chapter I am now living. ❤
Thank you for sharing those tools for taking care of yourself when you feel the abandonment wounds coming up and overwhelming you, FAs are notorious for deactivating when feeling overwlemed and even lashing out and then activating when things have calmed down so as to seek reconnection. Those tools you shared like labelling the wound as it comes up, not making rushed decisions, not making in declarations, communicating your need for emotional safety and space at that moment and I will add actively working on emotional regulation techniques are a great way to gain more awareness around how to deal with such feelings. I hope you and Thais Gibson can have a conversation about cptsd and attachment styles
Oh jeez... I just want someone who isn't gonna abandon me. I just assumed all love was unconditional because that's the only way I can love. Boy was I wrong.
I think i was neglectec by my dad. He never said he loves me, or played with me in park, changed my diappers or anything cause "he is a man" and he was only a material provider. My mom did all the job. I remember how happy and proud i was but at the same time wierd when my dad showed an affection it was usualy just leting me sit on his lap or sleep by his side and that is it. Yes, no wonder i always seek for man approval or macho and avoidant guys.
Fearful avoidant attachment (like myself) is different from anxious attachment, and the avoidant attachment style. But I see what you mean. I have reached a point in my healing journey where I step away from avoidant people because it hurts too much, and now that I have internal and external boundaries, I don’t pour all of myself and exhaust myself to try to earn their love or prove my worth and love. I can’t make someone love me if they don’t and/or can’t.
@@Alphacentauri819 that song is amazing, it’s always rung heartbreakingly true…. I would like to believe that my red flag detector is now stronger than ever. Or more accurately, how I had been previously conditioned to prove and earn and fawn when I sense rejection, contempt, and disdain vs step back from a place of self-respect. I have since dis-indoctrinated myself from the poison that my upbringing had poured into me. I am never ignoring my own instincts ever again. So did you say that you are an FA who leans more dismissive now? What’s that like?
@@Alphacentauri819 thank you 🙏 I completely agree and relate to your experiences to a nuance, even being orphaned. Except my parents were biologically mine, but kept telling me since day 1 how I am not theirs and how I should be grateful that they feed me at all, and how I must earn my keep by being useful or else. And on top of the narcissistic abuse, I also had and still have adhd, which I discovered at a heartbreakingly late age, so I was never able to form a single proper friendship. So I was always the rejected, mocked, bullied, attacked, abused, and used one both inside and outside of the house. With no one to claim me and protect me because I was too stranger to belong to anyone, regardless of how hard I tried and how much I improved myself. The stranger in fair game, unfortunately…. Emotionally unavailable parents do orphan their kids even while having them physically present, let alone parents who repeatedly reject the kids on top of that. I’m so sorry that you relate to me in that way, and that you went through that. And I also find it so much safer to bare my heart to an internet stranger! I could never do the same in person. I’ve learnt that most people use vulnerabilities I show them to attack me. I load their gun for them with the billets of my secrets and point it to my chest for them. And I don’t want to blame myself for people hurting me ever again, so I have learnt to stay away and self-isolate for safety.
@@Alphacentauri819 thank you, I wish you to be well as well 😊 I’m really hopeful about the future for the first time in a long while right now 🤞✨ I hope you are feeling the same ♥️
This is exactly the dynamic of my last relationship. I did block him because it’s too painful to see posts about his life and I need to move on. He hopes we can be friends down the road and I do want that but right now it just reminds me of the fact that he couldn’t move forward in the relationship and it feels like a rejection of me and my daughter. So in this case doesn’t it make sense to keep him blocked on social media? He is still in my phone but I have asked for us not to communicate.
I was more like the chaser and my ex was avoidant and he was very distant. He blocked me first and then unblocked me and he came back and I ended it. Because he kept treating me like I was invisible and I could not deal with that
To survive in life, i've had long term boyfriends who i didn't actually know in real life. Yes, imaginary boyfriends ! Real people are far too scary to deal with. Thank you Paul Stanley & Glenn Danzig.😂😆🤣😭😭😭
Thank you, Anna. Abandonment Mélange. First time I have heard the term. Describes me to a T! I am Anxious Preoccupied attachment style mainly and did the Anxious/Avoidant dance for 7 years. It was a nightmare. Unless a person with an Avoidant attachment style, or any insecure attachment style for that matter, is actively getting help and working on their core wounds, triggers and behaviors, relationships will not be healthy, functional and thriving. To be clear, no shaming of any attachment style with me or my primary teacher/psychologist. Check out The Personal Development School, Thais Gibson, on You Tube for very detailed descriptions of the different attachment styles and strategies for dealing more functionally and compassionately with all attachment styles, including our own. I find your advice on CPTSD very helpful. Since I discovered your channel, I have healed a lot and have never felt so validated and understood. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Anna! 😊💚🌿🌟
Can someone with CPTSD truly attract someone without CPTSD? I feel like I only attract others with trauma. So I'm trying to heal myself so I can attract healthier people.
Can you do a video on what going slow looks like? I don't really have a road map for how that should look and I get a lot of anxiety going slow because I worry the relationship won't get any traction if it doesn't go fast. I feel like if we had more information on the specifics it might ease some of the anxiety associated with the unknown. thank you for your helpful work !
Hey question fairy. How do you tell the difference between a healthy partner like your husband that says you’re being too intense. And an avoidant that just can’t handle emotions? Sometimes it is hard to decipher.
If your partner finds it too intense, call it what you will, but it's too much for *them.* People need to accommodate each other sometimes, if it's a good relationship, and if they are able to make those shifts.
Good lord...after watching this..and reading hundreds of comments, I just want to go to sleep and never have any relationships with no Humans, that's too complicated and draining..
Learning a TON “abandonment melange” yes… I’ve done that as a protest behavior with my DA… our pattern when dating: he threatened to break up then I would threaten, then I finally did. But I started some amazing course work to understand my attachment style and his. We are now friends (4 month mark in friendship) and just had some recent conflict with him shutting down. I experienced the abandonment melange sooo strongly and wanted to end the friendship badly … but THIS time, I knew to wait it out and process. I was then able to text something gracious and state “I’m here whenever you want to reconnect” and I was vulnerable and stated “I’m going to be vulnerable and let you know I don’t like distance between us” He reached back out almost immediately and stated that he felt same…. He has told me he has rejection and abandonment wounds as well. I think offering him a safe place and freedom to reconnect whenever he is ready really freed him to come back more quickly. We still need to have a conversation around our communication conflict but I’m crafting that as well. I’m actually looking at this relationship regardless of the outcome, as a catalyst to become aware of my own issues and to get healing. I’m showing up more with good boundaries, strong opinions, less people pleasing. At first when I re-entered relationship (from dating to friendship) I felt a lot of fear because I had become quite codependent …but with each change in my own behavior, the fear has fallen away more and more… although I was triggered in our latest conflict to “fawn” a bit but I caught myself It’s a journey… right? Of becoming who we were meant to be… beautiful, creative, free people with agency to love and be loved
Hi Anna, great video as always. Where can I hear more about how attraction is threatened and affected when the relationship is too safe? And also being sexialised as a child? Thank you
Still sending my ex emails trying to ask why things can’t be different occasionally after nearly 15 years. Our children have suffered so awfully and I can’t bear that they will not be able to become fully integrated people when their father has not spoken to their mother since they were 5 and 6. It hurts to hit that brick wall over and over, but I feel I would be giving up on our boys if I don’t keep trying. Although by now I don’t expect anything positive to happen. Now, of course, anytime I object to my son’s behaviour, they block me. There father left me after I gave him the ultimatum to be nice to me or F off, in a state just like described in this video. I don’t know why I can’t accept that he just never loved me, I guess it is not nice to admit you have been scammed.
Walking away from my first marriage was the best thing I could have ever done for my children. They grew to be happy, loving and successful. My now husband was raised in a two parent home and thinks his behavior is normal being unable to show love, emotions and being very distant. He believes paying the bills is how to show love. He is a great person but clueless as a husband and father to our one child. He blames his mother for never walking away. So staying for the kids might be an even bigger mistake
What a pity The Fairy got the blocking part the wrong way round - it wasn't ever 'Vanessa' it said in the letter that it was the guy who kept blocking her, when Vanessa ended the relationship those several times. Then after a while he says he still loves Vanessa but wants to date other people at the same time as 'rebuilding trust' .. that's hard even if no traumas, whatever about cptsd! Wishing you well & healthy ❤
My avoidant isn't on/of again. He is very, very consistent in my life, he doesn't pull away harshly other than basic needs for space i.e. when working, with family or some general alone time that we all need. Usually he does even speak to me during work, never closes that line. The only way he pushes me away is whenever it comes close to the discussion of commitment. He can't help himself to be around me as we love eachother's company but you can tl that he sees commitment as a threat on his freedom. He is slowly opening up more and more but whenever he feels we get too close in intimate moments (non-sexual), he will try to create a bit of emotional distance to regulate himself from the closeness because that's how he feels safe. Ironically, I feel safe when we are close, bonding and when he shows that opening up side. We are meeting up in the middle and discussing our emotional triggers, this has been helping and there is so much less conflict since we have learned to communicate in that way and heal eachother. He is just not ready, scared of commitment still.
Fairy, you have taught me more in such a short time - my reaction to your video is just 'YES YES, that's ME!" I feel so seen. I love your calm, steady, non-nonsense, yet compassionate advice - you are truly the best.
I broke up with my avoidant partner who has cptsd recently in a pretty explosive way. I feel guilty about it, but after realizing they lied to my face about something, it sent me into a panic and all my abandonment thoughts just erupted. I said some very harsh things and broke it off suddenly. I had been feeling emotionally ill for months because of this relationship. We are still talking at the moment...I am much more of the anxious attachment person than they are, and while I want to try and rebuild trust, I don't know if we can
i call it existential angst. i get this intense feeling of spinning out and being all alone to deal with the overwhelmingness of life. this pulls me back in. in the moment, though, if someone is treating me in a way that i know i don't deserve, and trying to leave, i just go into this gross fawning panic attack where i'll do anything to slow things down and get them to stay and repair in the moment. i begged my ex to stay and said i'd pay him during one of these. made me feel really gross afterwards for debasing myself like that but in the moment i would have said or done anything. and this is me *after* years of working on myself...
The behaviour of the ex-partner of the woman who writes the letter sounds truly narcissistic to me. That’s so much more then just someone having an abandonment wound. Beware of those people and heal yourself first before dating someone new. I hope she is in a better place!
We need to work on self respect primary, borders.. Ive had one realitionship that drove me near insanity.. But it was my choice, concunce or not, it was my choice. And that choice happened beacuse lack of responsibility for my life.. And not treating my traumas as a issue that needs serious work and commitment to solve. So it doesnt destroy me and others. Its hard to get close to someone who is not intense with those attatchment issues.. Lack of attraction and chemistry..
Thank you very much for this video. I have abandonment issues, I will now actively seek healing. I have been in an on off relationship, now I recognise the traits as Avoidant. The inspirational video has given me clarity on this relationship. Thank you.
It doesn't sound like she blocked him, no? It sounds like he did all the blocking as a way to control her through her fear of abandonment. I didn't catch anywhere she had blocked him
I always think that if I can just 'make' 'earn' this person's love then I will be whole again. Of course, that never happens. You don't earn love. No one has ever 'earned' my love. I give it, often in times that I shouldn't. 47 and still learning
The problem with Avoidant Attachment style is that it creates ‘A-Void’. (Quote from psychology researcher Dr Robert T. Muller in “Trauma and the Avoidant client”.)
I've been watching for a few days now. And this term. "Feeling like you've been kicked out of the human race. ...." Oh my! I love the insite. This journey is shredding and painful . But I've already been thru it. I We You are survivor Now it's just time to heal.
Going through a break up right now and you have helped me wake up to the reality. I dont have any practice in healthy coping skills during a break up but I'm trying my best to stay grounded and let things end with grace. I've been binging your videos because they help me feel sane
I'm so grateful to accidentally found you on your tube. Watched 3 video s of yours and I cried and cried and cried. Feeling my pain. My mother's pain and my daughters pain at the same time. I believe we've all been victim of history repeating itself in 3 or more generations. I feel shame. Pain. But also a great relieve and engery and rest as I watch your video s. Thank you sooo very much. Never knew that I had c ptsd until today. I've victimized my daughter and my mother victimized me. But. I know now that neither me mother or me did this on purpose. My heart is crying for my mom who passed 13 years ago. I wish I could give her a hug and say. I understand mom. I've resented my daughter for not finding me important. For not seeming to care alot for her mother. I texted her tonight as I had a light bulb moment about all of this. Sooo. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I want to watch all video s now. I need to hear way more about all of this. ❤️
I wish my mother knew about this channel. As a guy who has to deal with these types of problems (avoidant issues) this channel is helping a lot. But I wish my mother would listen and learn from these videos, instead of repeating her self-destructive behaviors.
It feels like he is an emotional abuser, even gaslighting her... I don't see irrational quitting that relationship without giving a second thought, doing luggage and just move on. Is so difficult for us to make this decision, even if it looks like in a rush from an external point of view, it's not, and often it happeeven too late. Just go in a safe place, be safe.
