0:00 - About 5:07 - Fake Analysis 9:36 - Abandonment Terror 15:00 - You Must Have A Distant Compassion 19:19 - You Have To Be You 25:20 - Where Do You Draw The Line With Leaving Them To Fuck Up? 30:01 - What Does Help Mean? 35:49 - BPD And Autism 39:54 - Is The Heal Super-Ego Course Best For One Who Is Hyper Self-Critical? 46:18 - Didn't We Kill The Other Pre Human Kinds?
My ex of 10 yrs is in a very co dependant relationship with his no gf who has bpd..I am concerned because I feel they are kind of abusing each other and getting it mixed up for love,,maybe I'm wrong ,,just don't want either to get hurt in this cycle..
Tumultuousness in the relationship is mistaken for deep love. This is not what happens in a real love relationship. The brain gets addicted to the conditioning of crazy then calm. Twisted. What a waist of valuable time.
Surgucaltoolbox - my ex GF was like that. she loved the drama and I was repulsed by it. I tried to explain to her many times that all this chaotic emotion did not equal love but she would not listen to it and insisted that it was proof of love. uuggghhh. yep, 4 wasted years.
@@RedroomStudios when I am dramatic it is because of the overwhelming emotions. Described accurately as a roller coaster. I hate it. Absolutely hate it. Always cry out at the end and then exhaustion. Do love real coasters, tho. mine are exacerbated by high fructose corn syrup. normally I can do the flashback controls but not with the syrup. totally deep end. rarely eat out and did last night...egg nog milkshake. BOOOOOOOM. Never again. Important to forgive us. Learn from it. I am old. wasted most my life, but I am not even the judge of that. :) "All praise to Your glory! All praise to Your mercy and grace!" Sovereign Grace Gospel live...wonderful stuff. stream it online. oh wow. Wasted...not. your patience and acts and seeds of truth to your xGF may one day grow out of the manure into a Sequoia. :) Imagine being in the military and having lost your best friend. I always explain that it is not the reasons for the war that gives meaning. It is your motives. fighting evil (and there is great evil) and It is the greatest love, laying down your life for your friend. So when your battle buddy and best friend dies, he is laying down his life for you. Exemplifying the greatest love.
This is the first time I REALLY understood projection. When we feel black and hopeless on the inside, we see the world as black and hopeless. When we feel hopeful and happy inside, the world is hopeful and colorful. That is how we "project". Thank you so much.
laura berry one of the dangers of being happy and honest, you project that onto everyone! We project good and bad and when this sunk in for me I was stunned. These people don’t suddenly change - we stop projecting onto them
Very good stuff today! It’s amazing when you can literally hear things many times over and over but never really “hear” it until your mind can take it in and understand it & realize how to apply it!
2 things that helped me a lot get in a healthy relationship: 1. I accepted that i can't change other people and i even shouldn't, because its a boundary break to try to change someone. Only person i focus changing is myself. And only people who i let into my life who i think are good enough as they are and don't need me to change them. 2. I learned to love myself. For me loving myself means, that i show it to myself practical ways. Like i don't work to much so i become overly exhausted, take care that i eat when im hungry, im empathetic towards myself, i take care of my health and my body... stuff like that. Its super weird being in a healthy intimate relationship. Weirdest is that sometimes when we are talking my boyfriend says "We are fighting" and im like "wtf are we?". Like i feel slight irritation because we disagree about something and thats all, i don't even notice it and he thinks its a fight. Where is the all emotional disregulation? Where is fear of abondement? Where is all crying and adrenaline and feeling of unlovableness? In my scale fights on dating are 100 times worse so its so weird.
Maybe he is super sensitive to think a disagreement is a fight. Sounds like he wants to keep you walking on eggshells. Doesn't appear normal to me imo.
Whew, i dont envy anyone in this situation. Took me about 3 years of intense work before i felt like “me” again. Sounds a lot like “red pill rage” too. Seeing the cold hard world for the first time
Me to bpd ex partner: You used me to get through your last relationship...and I felt suicidal because of your nonsense.... Ex Partner: Stop hurting me!!!!!
i love this.... i witness your pain.. i just went through this exact scenario.. a distraction fuck for 2mnths. i started to fall for her..me an empath, with a bpd narcissist . but its led me here to richard grannon.. and i am facing my cptsd now..
@@quazimodo1973 yeah that was me too man. 3 months of love bombing and being told I was everything but I was just a tool to piss her ex off while she still slept with others. Blamed me when I found out too.
@@jaredw5059 Guys. This is not a borderline issue. The OP said he felt suicidal because his ex used him as a rebound. He could be easily be labeled as the borderline himself since he was suicidal over being used and discarded. The thing is NO ONE likes being used and discarded for someone they are in love with and see a future with. Simple! This is a very traumatic and painful experience and the person can display all kind of "inadequate" behaviors, that can be exacerbated by previous trauma wounds. The person who is using the other doesn't care for them, they might care a little, but they are not in love. They have their mind and heart in someone else from the past (an ex) or from the future (haven't met yet or have met but they didn't have a chance). When there's this power imbalance the used part always feels unloved, rejected confused and it's only a matter of time until they get discarded. When the user is ready to move on or has sucked all the usefulness from the used, they don't care anymore. If they lack in the department of empathy and wanna walk away as the good guy/girl they will say stuff like the one mentioned "stop hurting me" blabla. Men get labeled as narcissists women as borderline. But it's simply "users" behavior VS "used up" behavior. I'm a woman and I've been in the same spot after being used and lied to in a situation where i couldn't count with any safety net or support system (expat in his country without friends or family around - i was isolated from the start). The part who's not emotionally invested always has the upper hand. Simple. My ex dumped me after 3 months, every week he would put an abandonment stunt on me, when he finally dumped he wanted to stay friends as I declined he started stalking me and send me videos pretending to swallow pills and kill himself (he dumped. He said he was going abroad. All lies.). We ende up back together because i became ill and literally knew no one who could take care of me for. Few months forward and the abandonment stunts started again until he got some temporary job and dumped, by phone, again. This time i was alone,jobless, moneyless..it was the right time. I self harmed for the first time in my life and became suicidal (add lockdown to this) ended up in a mental hospital for the first-time. They decided i was bipolar and later on i was borderline or had depression with bpd traits. This relationship ended up my life. Since i lost my job, my sanity, my visa. And all the time he was cool like a cucumber "why are u attacking me" "it's over don't hurt yourself" "Dont be a burden for others". The same man who months later was sending me videos threatening to kill himself and PRETENDING to actually do it. Meanwhile I'm the mentally ill one.
For a while, watching God-knows how many RU-vid videos and reading articles in an effort to figure out what the hell was wrong with me I thought I could possibly be borderline but it wasn't a great fit. Then I found out about symptoms of CPTSD following emotionally abusive relationships and it made so much more sense - needed to find ways to heal in either case. On my journey of healing and for me that involved examining what happened before and during, and accepting ownership of why I accepted what I did into my life, and forgiving myself for putting up with sometimes absolute insanity. I still shake my head when I think of things I went through, have a giggle to myself and thing w.t.f was I thinking putting up with that 🤣 but that's easy to say when you're not in the middle of it, not knowing about emotionally abusive tactics, gaslighting, triangulation and the like, and can look back with retrospect and a greater wisdom, which is why I'm not going to kick myself for not having the awareness at the time. It's akin to wondering why a 4 year old can't read like a pro when they're still learning 'cat' and 'dog'. Well now I've learned cat and dog (and a few more choice words which I'd never thought I'd hear myself use 🤬🤣). It's been a difficult mountain to climb and I'm not near the top quite yet but at least I'm through the clouds at the bottom and can see a bit of the awesome view from here 😍 Thank you for the work you do and the no BS way of explaining things!
absolutely a breakup is a trauma... regardless of how dysfunctional the relationship was. it sucks that you put in all that time and effort to try and make it work. you had shared goals and dreams. it hurts. it's a failure. it's a loss....
This showed up at the perfect time today. Thanks, Richard! Started dating a borderline male and am just realizing how difficult this relationship would be if I continued in it. It seems whenever we find ourselves in an unhealthy relationship, the question becomes do I choose myself or do I sacrifice myself on what could be a lost cause? After all, it is only the person with the condition who can take responsibility for and make the decision to do whatever they can to be in less pain. Just as you said, we simply can't do it for them and sometimes the most loving thing to do is walk away.
Projective identification. That's something new to me which can explain how a toxic therapist can cause so much damage while we are vulnerable. The information that I'm finding about projection identification is HUGE (for me!)
Every time I listen to your videos they make even more sense. You are amazing and I can’t thank you enough for how much you have helped me understand my situation. I’ve been suffering for years and don’t share often but you are one of the most knowledgeable and real people out there and I enjoy your sense of humor. Thank you Richard!!!
I doubt you were delusional when you "imagined" you were feeling your partners intense feelings. That's just what it's like to be in tune with someone, when you're a highly empathetic person. I could go on about it, but basically, that's how it is 24/7 for some of us & that's why we NEED to spend so much time alone. It's exhausting. Try feeling what every person you meet in just one day is feeling. It's not like you try to, it just fecking happens. ETA, I've been diagnoses as sane, btw, so no, this isn't some delusion due to a disorder =)
My narcissistic BPD addict ex keeps coming around asking for 'help'. I keep telling him - my help doesn't help you!! If it did we wouldn't be here right now!! Go away! Cue childlike tantrum, abusive hurtful words - he even says things like whatever I do when I leave here is your fault because you didn't help me. It's a traumatic experience every time. I've been struggling with how to have compassion for him but also for myself - this video helped me a lot. Thank you!
Unfortunately Ive found out the hard way that the only way is just stop all contact. Otherwise they will always go back. I' ve got one prefessor who used to say " You cannot force a primate to do what they do not want to do", sad but true. Usually they don't want to chance they only want your attention, drawn you from energy and keep been the same kind of persons anyway. The more feedback you provide the more they will keep that behaviour, is possitive reinforcement for their actions.
@@opheliaheimat3685 Exactly right. No contact is the only solution. Block, delete, don't pick up the phone, don't answer the door, don't give them any supply at all. This is actually the kindest thing that you can possibly do for them.
Audrey Rogers yes. It’s strange cause he is not asking for a relationship he wants help. While you may be interested in a relationship. Help is another thing entirely. Red flag really!?
Richard, did you know that Maritime analogies are encoded in our genes from the struggles we used to have at seas. Like "holding on to the bitter end " for e.g. was derived from people stuck in ships that were rocking through the storms and you had to hold on for dear life till the storm was over (not everyone survived).
Thank you. You describing that feeling of knowing their emotions, it was like I could feel her getting ready to just up and leave. And then blow it in my face like scoring points against me. It's hard to talk about how weak it makes you feel. Thanks for saying it out loud.
Thank you again for answering my question. I really appreciate it. The answer was difficult but I'm sure it's true, so I'm working on it. Thank you! ❤️
About setting boundaries , I am putting that into real time effect ; I used to wait around & hope to interact with people who can read my mind & do what I prefer around me. It’s my responsibility to step up & draw my lines, open my mouth & say, what I want. But also to be polite & respectful to others as well. ~ At my job, I set boundaries all day long, and some people get upset, angry, frustrated. I stay present for them & hold space for how they feel . It helps them move through it. It’s not my point to say no for the sake of hurting someone. And I am not offended by persons who get upset with my setting boundaries ( with regards to my personal space, not theirs ... ) 🤗🌱🐿
Takes one to know one. When you described your anxiety experience, it was then, I realised you do understand . Towards the end of the 26 year relationship I removed myself from , I was experiencing this intense anxiety every day and night . And during the first year of separation , despite being ‘safe’ , the anxiety heightened. It has now been 6 years and it has simmered somewhat , however , I know the scar will never truly heal and that learning to live and cope with it , is the only way forward . I thank you for all you share. It always seems to come at the most needed time .. blessings to you beautiful man 🙌
I split with narcissistic ex four years ago. (Going no contact was the hardest thing ever and I managed six months before totally blocking him on everything) had another relationship for four years which felt like the most amazing relationship ever (turned out he doesn’t like kids and was pretending to like my son.) Bumped into narcissistic ex at the weekend and he touched my arms and got up in my face several times. Felt like a lot of the self help and self protection work I’ve done was for nothing. Felt very traumatised the next day! Miss the ex I thought loved me - but now realise I’ve got to save myself!
Allow it. Permit it. Sometimes so difficult. Especially with young people between 16-20. As a parent you know they have their own path but it is difficult to keep the space. Parents own trauma's and fears are so triggered by them and at the same time their naive trust in life is a gift. Thanks for the inspiration.
It took 4 years of building a friendship and less then 7 months of a relationship, 2 years to get over..he reeled me in to a point that I was devistated. I went into depression due to the pain. Crying every day, when my narc ex tramabonded me. Plus having a narc family I left... I felt isolated... Now today, I learned... I refuse to have a narc near me.. I'm so upset at what he did... I refuse to allow my ex narc an narc parents in my life... I'm so pissed!
This makes really sense because the way you are inside is often the way how you see the world because of what you focus on. I try to make myself focus on the positive things how small or big they are doesn't matter because every time you let the negative things win it gets bigger right?
The water analogy makes a lot of sense. When I was breaking up with my ex, it felt like he threw me into a huge black pool full of all my pain, not just what he caused. And then just crouched there at the edge watching me struggle. But that feeling like I was drowning, it was so intense, my emotions were so out of control. It broke me. I've never felt anything like it before and it took a long time to come back to myself. Does that mean I'm borderline?
If you didn't feel that way before that relationship, then it's doubtful. It's common to pick up traits from the abuser. And the drowning metaphor works with other things. If it's not "permanent, personal, and pervasive" then it's probably not a cluster B anything. You're just wounded, in a way that is flavored by the abuser. I say "just"... it really sucks and I'm sorry it happened. But I wouldn't recommend labelling yourself. Do the usual GrannonWork and heal. :-)
@@tullyarcher6226 Thanks, that's really good advice. It's easy to latch onto one aspect and think that's the thing, that's why I'm bad and it was my fault. But you're absolutely right, I didn't feel that way before and haven't since, either. It was just my relationship with him.
@H you just made me realize that’s how I felt!! That’s what I went through!! It was horrific & with no remorse, because I even talked to him for a little while when he tried to Hoover me two days in a row after the two weeks or longer of going through his abandonment & almost drowning in the black pool. At that time I didn’t know anything about Narcs or Hoovering meanings, but I knew what he was doing, but still a part of me wanted to believe that he really Loved me!! But I started realizing different & then ran into Narc videos & have been learning every since!! It took me watching a few videos & I started to wake up!! I am afraid he is going to come back after me and I when keep rejecting him I don’t know how he will take this? I’m afraid so I’m trying to figure it all out because I can’t ever be with him again, even saying that feels really crazy hard, but I never wanna be in a black pool full of my pain drowning all alone ever again, because that broke me too, big time!! I can’t believe that I survived that?!! Thanks for your comment and sharing it helps me with my healing because it gives me the reality of what I really went through. Take Care & Stay Safe.💜
@@RonnaJaneBullard what I've learned about those types is their actions will probably be something completely different to what you'd expect them to do/say. Whatever serves them and their needs best. I'm so sorry that you experienced that black pool as well. It's not a good place to be in. Thinking back over it all, I do feel like his a**holery sparked a lot of learning and growth, or the beginnings of it. So at least we can make the pain useful. It's been a real struggle to stop isolating and get out into the world again. I'm optimistic that the emotional literacy might help. I wish you the best in your healing and recovery process too :-)
When I had dealings with my parents 2 years ago, I felt like I was drowning and waves were crashing against me. That made me realize I needed to seek treatment for trauma. Part of my issue is that I have a chronic illness which causes emotional instability (both directly and indirectly) on a regular basis. I tick a lot of boxes with borderline, but at the same time there are multiple comorbidities. Therapists haven't been very helpful so I've had to piece things together on my own. I don't think I'm abusive, but then I tend to isolate a lot (another symptom of borderline). I also remember love-bombing my ex in college, but it was completely unintentional. I wasn't trying to manipulate them.
Thank you for your videos. They are helping me make sense of what I experienced in a situationship with a man with diagnosed CPTSD, possible BPD. Still having a hard time with overwhelming sadness, anxiety, and rumination. It was surreal hearing you talk about your experience where you felt like you were feeling their emotional state. This would happen out of the blue and even wake me from a deep sleep. Made me think we had telepathy, and then thinking I was crazy for thinking telepathy could actually exist. I wonder, could this sense of "telepathy " actually be a trauma response?
wow, loved your answer to the question about the apparent increase of NPD in our society! I think your observation that we increasingly cant stand each other is very accurate. I think so much of this is driven by social media and technology. we are all used to having immediate gratification, having all of our content customized to our own biases and preferences and having our highly diverse whims catered to, all these ego driven interactions that are translating over into real world relationships. other humans dont respond in such immediate, pleasurable and servile ways so we find them inconvenient, unacceptable and too much trouble to deal with. in earlier times there wasnt as much diversity of choice.. (there were 3 tv networks in N America when I was a child for example.) the society was closer because there were fewer points of focus. we didnt have the distractions of social media or alternative media sources or the immediate gratification of online shopping etc. as Richard said in another recent video... we dont really need each other anymore. women dont need men to support them financially. men dont need women for sex - they can just use porn. our whole world has become about convenience and tribalism and it is spilling over into human relationships.
Awesome video. Really wish I had someone like you to talk to after getting out of a really confusing and challenging last relationship that for some reason I can't get over.
I witnessed borderline rage from an ex gf I really cared about. I felt empathy for her. Being unable to control that intensity of emotion really resonated with me so I understand when you say you felt empathy for your ex also
Great video!👍 Have compassion; but NOT "idiot compassion". (Dishes 😂😂 reminded me of the time I told a coworker "I don't do dishes. I just let the dogs lick them and put them back in the cupboard." The look on their face was PRICELESS!😂🤣😂 )
I had a BPD ex-GF who made me see, feel the whole world dark and negative. Just like he says in the video. Im dead inside. Im not able to have another relationship for more than 3 years now. I have been depressed, have no self esteem at all. Just want to do, tried to commit suicide a few times, but I got scared...
Also the drowning metaphor. I literally felt like I was going to die in my last relationship. Like I was going to be sucked under and die and nothing would be left. This video was so helpful!
I used to like everyone except for maybe two people. Since the traumatic break with my husband I now only like maybe two people. It’s disconcerting just how much I have changed. I’m not the smiley humorous person who everyone liked. I am now quiet and seething inside. I practice emotional literacy. Everyday though the emotions are negative. I feel I am f***ed.
Yolanda Navarrete I’m still in the healing process but happy to announce 365 days No Contact from him. With Richard and many other YT channels, you will learn to accept yourself and move forward one day at a time. I’ve stopped looking to others for validation or to make me feel better about my twisted childhood. I think a huge missing piece is for us to stop explaining why we do what we do and just Be. It’s a great big world out there and I’m learning different ways to Motivate my best self in all things. Hugs
Holy shit! I experienced the fake analysis and it was all wrong, the creepiest thing ever! I will work on distant compassion for this person. Thanks so much for this video 🙏🏽
10:37 You have shown me what I've thought is true, and it is that when we care about someone who has mental issues we can catch their illness(es), just like we can share a cold or flu. I guess we become vulnerable.
Re BDP and autism, there are some connections, e.g., misreading emotions (facial expressions). Studies show that people with BPD tend to interpret neutral faces as expressing negative emotions more often than people without BPD (and autism). People with BPD tend to be emotionally rigid (e.g., black/white thinking, splitting) and do much better with a familiar/predictable environment. Also I think people with ASD and BPD tend to struggle with emotional regulation (e.g., rage, etc.)
Thank you, Richard. Having experienced dating (extremely likely) a BPD, what you said really hits home. If a BPD is untreated, dating them you will BOTH drown.
I can't believe I was literally journaling about a dream that took place partially underwater, and learned today from Richard that water represents unprocessed emotions. This was also prior to doing the research I intended to do on the meanings behind the different elements of the dream. Life's funny, sometimes. Thanks, Mr. Grannon! 😉
This hit me like a train. Woah. Is this what I do to to my boyfriend!? When I point something out - usually trying to get him to realize that what he is doing is going to have a negative effect on someone. Is it me trying to get one more breath? Does that make sense? Because I know I am not trying to shame him. Or act smarter, nor am I trying to "one up". But I often feel so strongly that I must voice my view/opinion/experience. It's almost like a frantic animal in a cage- in no immediate danger or anything. Only like, "get me frick out of here!"
Kayla-Marie Harley I don’t know but it sounds like it’s coming from an emotional flashback - maybe try asking the feeling what it wants? What outcome would best bring it peace.
I had an emotional flashback yesterday while watching my step grandkids interact, it reminded me of the fact that I had to go no contact with my immediate family. I was reminded of a very old photo of my brother and I when we were quite young, I was holding him. Anyway, because of the circumstances we're in we no longer talk. I was immediately saddened by this and felt a bit weepy which started me down the same old rabbit hole of hating my life, my parents for being such fuck-ups which typically concludes in anger. "What would Richard do?" is the question that came to mind and the answer was "identify the emotions that you are feeling and then let them go". I did it, first time in my 59 years on the planet that I did not let this flashback ruin my mood, my day, or anyone else's. Amazing, if I can do this once I can do it again, I'd even wager that I could probably do it ANY time as it was NOT that difficult to simply identify what I as feeling, own it and then simply let it go and went back to enjoying being around the innocent little kids. I know this comment has nothing to do at all with the subject of this particular video but needed to share this with other commenters, it fucking works! :)
I don't think there is such a thing as "getting over it". I think we get through it. We move on from it. The term 'over' has a finality to it that will not happen until we leave this earth. Memories have a life of their own. We can get stuck in the pain of bad memories. Or we can fight to never get stuck again. If we loved someone, that love was pure but misplaced if not reciprocated. It was not wrong or stupid or foolish. NOT LEAVING a bad relationship... is those things. Keep moving. Celebrate your ability to love. Appreciate people, like Richard, who can help us all see life on the other side of toxic relationships. Give yourself a crap ton of credit for wanting more out of life. ❤
Always stay in your own lane, & if another driver, male or female continues to cross into your lane... That's a sign they can't drive or there's some obsession or anger issues. Avoid people like this. Those of us have sought out help from sever narcissistic abuse & have heeled, we learn to avoid old and new relationships. Enter with great caution, none of us need extra BS in our life's. Learn who thyself is before jumping out in that fast lane, that's how we get ourselves sucked in to very bad relationship. Seems most have a agenda, knowing this can save us from alot of pain & sadness. When things dont feel right, there's a good chance its your intuition saying so.. Meaning you as well as myself or anyone for that matter who's suffered covert, overt or any narcissistic psychopath abuse, we should follow the nature of our instincts and avoid these personality types. Thanks Richard to you & the few other's I've followed for self help through the counseling over the past 5 yrs. It's been extremely tough to finally feel free. My guard is up always and I've learned the importance of boundaries so I want fall into those nasty false love traps.
That terror u talked about, I thought the same thing. That I was having an empathic experience. It hasn’t stopped though. It’s just slowed down some. Been a few years. I was fine before her. So I can relate to the whole her drowning and then drowning me with her
Richard, I really do believe that we empaths are a very special type of a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual. When I look at your videos you explain things very clear. I started looking at your videos about a year ago but this year more intense. I knew that you were put here on earth for a special reason. I was looking at an older video yesterday. It was from Feb 24, 2015. The title was “Grey Rock Technique: Is my ex-girlfriend a narcissist or a borderline? How do I get rid of her”. Please fast forward to 21minues and 35 seconds. You will see three circles of light also turn up your volume, you will hear the sound change. I went back several times (I mean several) to see what that was. I am convinced that they are Orbs. The angels are helping you, (and people like you who make videos on YT) to help us, to help each other in this community in this thing we call life. Please look at that video and let me know what you think. Thank You so much, Peace and Love Tara
I had a similar experience with my ex and felt that extreme despair and terror that I sensed in her. I was on LSD after the break up and went through this intense oscillation between feeling so much pain and despair that it would turn into laughter on and off for almost 5 minutes. It felt as if I was possessed by her spirit. I had a dream about her last night that she was walking on water coming in from the turbulent ocean to see me.
My borderline broke up with me, and pretended that she was so cool about it. Wishing me well and that I should find someone else, although blaming me for the breakup. The deficiencies were all mine. I was crushed, but when I messaged her to tell her that after having thought about it I agreed with her and that she was right that we weren't meant to be together and that it wouldn't work out anyway. She became incensed, got super mad at me, blocked me and now refuses to talk to me anymore - because I agreed with her about the breakup that she initiated.
@@philipmillard3178 Thanks my friend. I don't think she's coming out of this one though. She seems to hate me more than ever now. I can't completely avoid her because of work connections, but her hostility is even stronger after 5 months.
@@vygotsky17 what BPD sufferers want to 'feel' is that you are capable to go to the ends of the earth to get them back. If they have a petulant side then this is a fine example. It happened to me. My BPD partner left me after detailing all my failings, I felt I had to agree and was willing to leave it at that, even if I was more than sad. The next day she called me in a rant saying that I should be showing her that I'm willing to fight for her. So I did in as many ways as possible. It didn't change much and we eventually parted. The blocking and un blocking is a big part of the BPD dynamic. I feel your pain. It's important to take lessons where we can, have compassion for oneself and use the lessons to be better people. Showing any kind of weakness to a BPD person will not do you any favours.
id love a video on the borderline and narcissist relationship and their attraction to each other. also, who ultimately is more damaging to the other. ive heard conflicted stances, would love your insight.
Interesting about the water metaphor with BPD, I have repeatedly heard the metaphor of being 'consumed' in relation to an NDP partner and this was exactly how I felt! I was using this metaphor before I even knew what NDP was!
The "they must win the game" part really speaks to me… my ex gf refuses to return my apartment key, even though the police is involved. She looks at it as a win and a way to maintain control
How about when you have a boundary, like a situation I was in, and in my mind, my reasoning was, if you want to carry on the way you are that's fine if it makes you happy - but it's not ok with me so I'm leaving this relationship, I'm not having that in my life. And the other person basically turns around saying you're trying to blackmail them, you're trying to force them into doing what you want, all they've ever been was a knight in shining armour and look at the way I'm acting - but in reality, in my mind, I was giving them a reason I think they deserved of why I was leaving, and honestly, wished them the best of luck. I can understand why it can feel, from a different point of view as if you're trying to impose your boundaries onto someone else if they basically turn around and tell you that you are, and how bad you are for doing so? I don't know now lol. I'm confused ( it doesn't take much 🤣).
(1) Your reasons were valid. You do not owe him a relationship, so ANY reason would have been valid. (2) Nobody is a white knight. He's presenting the situation in a heavily edited fashion - this is a huge red flag. (3) Boundaries are friction points. It's where we touch. So if you put up a boundary, and someone tries to go past it, yes, it will touch them. It will affect them. There will be an effect in their life caused by the cause of you saying "no". HOWEVER, that does not mean you were "trying to impose your boundaries onto someone else". You cannot make your skin his skin. This is a nonsensical idea. What he's doing is using Word Salad (Richard has a video about that, it's great!) basically he's using a lot of the same words you use but with different definitions so it sounds like you're taking about the same thing but you're not. What this boils down to is that you said "no" and he didn't like it so he (a) called it something else - "you pushing your boundaries onto me" that (b) makes you a jerk, and (c) you care about not being a jerk, which means that (d) this will stop you, startle you, worry you, so you ponder and doubt yourself, so that (e) he can call himself a white knight while you're discombobulated resulting in (f) you wonder if he's right and you should take him back. (He's wrong, don't take him back.) (4) It may actually feel to him like you are pushing your boundaries onto him, it may not JUST be the manipulation, it may actually seem that way to him. BUT that changes nothing. He's got problems with his boundaries, floating around like ink in water, no clue what his shape is. Well that sucks, but you still have skin, so please use it and don't look back. Feeling bad for someone is a TERRIBLE reason to date them. :-)
@@tullyarcher6226 Yes, that's what I thought it was but you put it far more eloquently than I ever could, thank you 😊 It's difficult if you're in or have been in situations where if you assert yourself and the other person is particularly skilled in twisting it around, so that you're in the wrong, the original issue never gets solved so theres no closure, you can't bring it up again to get to the bottom of it later as now you're bringing up the past and there's clearly something wrong with you as in their mind it was solved, and you end up questioning yourself as to what is so wrong with you so that they get their own way all the time. Then you get wise to it and they switch tactics and make out you're manipulating them. When I got wise to this he changed tactics - he even wrote things down I said in a previous argument about his behaviour I wasn't happy with and said "see, I even wrote it down because I knew what you were going to say" (of course you knew what I was going to say, I said it last time, you copied it down, maneuvered me into saying it again then used it against me and you honestly think I haven't noticed 😒🤦♀️. They keep you locked in this cycle of questioning yourself all the time and it messes with your head badly. In the rare even they conceded you have a point you get dumped with "are you happy you've won now? Are you happy you've got what you want" Nooooo, I dont give a monkeys about winning, for the love of God I only want stuff solving! Arrgghhhh! I can laugh about it now but at the time it was so frustrating, as all you want to do is solve the issue and you feel like you're in a battle with a petulant 9 year old.
Ali K omg yes!!!!! Lol. This is so difficult for me to describe to others but it’s a total mind fuck. I couldn’t have boundaries. She would use my terminology against me and make me out to be the bad guy always. To me there was no bad guy, just the desire for intimacy authenticity and trust building through solutions and sharing. What a drain!!!
The first answer made me cry because I exprienced it but I can't explain it to others. I cut my friendships to minimum, I'm afraid of going in a new relationship, I'm afraid of new people. And everything seemed hopeless for a while.
/ ok, here’s my input as an experienced victim & rescuer., First of all, baby steps. No one got to crazy land in one fell swoop, & no one is going to improve in one fell swoop. I hear a lot of people on Richard’s line asking, “ should I leave this relationship?” That’s a big, one ! These situations require time, effort, work & patience. ~ As a victim, or as “ a rescuer “.. one needs to cultivate supreme patience & take baby steps toward change in behaviors. I personally know that there is NO WAY a person can enforce a person outside himself to change on the inside. This is reality. When the person wants to change, its only the beginning of taking the first of one million steps. ~ No one should try to fix another person. But, to desire to fix ones’ own self, is your true mission. 🌻🐿🌱😆😆 ( Btw, you can’t fix yourself either 😄😂🤣 But life will provide opportunities for you to learn & grow, if you simply desire it ! 🤩
Here because I miss my abusive, exploititative, unhinged ex. It's so messed up. The good side of BPD is what I miss. That side of her I wanted forever. The other side made me anxious, sad and gave me headaches. I'm freer now but missing her. It sucks 😕
Yup. My mother has the BPD diagnosis. She’s destroyed so many lives. She used to say that I was her life preserver. Even as a child. When I disagreed with her as a teenager that was when she pushed me away and started behaving recklessly. I had to leave home before graduating because her boyfriends were grabbing me. When I left she said I was a horrible daughter. I’ve kept grey rock for six years now just waiting for her to change. No more. I can’t afford to have her in my headspace rent-free anymore.
Wow yes! After 2 years I figured out my ex was a narcissististic psychopath I could not walk away from him….it took me 3 more years of back and forth until I finally had the strength to let him go. I would often use food to sooth my stress between fights and since I would gain weight it helped me not want to see him (we lived 3 hrs away) I often felt it was my inner self protecting me from him by being overweight.
Will someone with BPD also do the whole love bombing thing like someone with NPD or a narcissistic would? I can’t diagnose my ex as either obviously, but I began learning a lot after our longggg drug out breakup and assumed he was a narcissist, but I’m not so sure. When we met, he was crazy love bombing, but then again, we both are addicts (were in recovery at the time) and have major boundary and impulse control issues, people pleasing tendencies, and what I now believe to be C-PTSD. I didn’t know what C-PTSD was at the time but knew enough about psychology to know from the stores he’d told me, he most definitely had experienced things that I felt would/could definitely cause PTSD. It doesn’t mean they did. I can’t diagnosis him. But I also at the time did not realize my problems with C-PTSD. I am self diagnosing but that inner critic of mine wants me dead and cause me extreme pain!! This may be all he has which doesn’t mean I should be with him - there is no indication he is doing any work on himself. I’ve been doing work for years! Still have sooo much to do! The weird thing is that I haven’t talked to him in 4 months, I’m in another relationship (I’d say pretty serious), but I still feel like I’m in a relationship with him! Am I delusional? I mean I intellectually know obviously we are not in a relationship but it feels like I never won’t be out of a relationship with him. This may have to do with the fact that he told me we would never break up/not be together. And also the fact that he has kept all of my belongings in a storage unit, which he changed the locks on, so I can’t access the unit and he won’t give them back to me. I think I still feel really bound to him because of this. The other day I had a thought that I hadn’t thought about before...I still feel like he’s abusing me by the fact that he has manipulated me by keeping all of my things and is keeping me bound to him this way, and he knows it.
OMG my ex did the fake analysis thing too! Thing is, he was very good at it. If I asked him something he’d often say “Tell me what you’re really asking” and he’d usually be right that there was something deeper behind what I was saying, even if I didn’t realize it initially myself! I thought it was just because he’s a smart guy - I didn’t know it was a bpd thing. He has plenty of of other bpd traits too.
@@Kimshi4242 I mean wasn't trying to tell you the state of your psyche or pathologise you - he was inviting you to ask a deeper question. Seems ok to me. On the other hand, as a response to "what do you want for tea", that would be pure fkn annoying
Exactly the Plutonium... That story of the turtle and scorpion perfect example of the pwbpd and the partner of the bpd. Better to let the scorpion catch a ride on some other poor unsuspecting soul. Sad, but life is cruel and to survive we must use our gut instincts and not our hearts and emotions It will hurt and sometimes can kill us 🐢.......🦂 " Turtle taxie out of service" Call Uber
My ex (pretty sure she actually was BPD) would not only mention the feeling of overwhelming feelings and feeling like drowning, also used to have recurring drowning nightmares rebolving around her and her mother
I would not necessarily say that "all the issues in the world are about boundaries" but i would say that "all the issues in the world are about power" and they may appear to be the same issue depending on which angle you are viewing them from, but from my perspective if ppl weren't so ill as a species, we would not require such strong boundaries coz ppl would not be taking power which was not their's to begin with.
Very strange, you come up with the drowning metaphor. My sister told me, when I was in a very abusive relationship: I see you both in the water and you try to hold on to him, so you are both drowning. Because he is not able to keep himself over water and for sure not both of you! Was a kind of vision, that came somehow like a picture to her mind. I left him finally, when my state was zombie like from the emotional torture
BPD as females are just a crushing heart break waiting to happen no matter how hard u try for them.. if u give up on them they run thinking u were always gonna.leave. but if u say I'll never give up and show them love they get scared at not knowing how to have a healthy love and either way ur left hollow and lost as a man
