Why Detachment IS NOT THE WAY to Go

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In today's video, Thais Gibson provides some insight on detachment and why, contrary to some popular theories out there, it may not be the way to go for your specific situation. Watch now to learn more about detachment and its characteristics as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "Ending Codependency & Enmeshment", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:53 - What Is Detachment
00:01:12 - 5 Characteristics of Detachment
00:01:56 - Personal Story
00:04:53 - Interdependence
00:06:39 - A Healthy Adaptation of Detachment
00:07:35 - Boundaries from Truth
00:11:12 - Attachment Bootcamp Promo / Co-regulation Course
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
Our RU-vid videos give you a glimpse into this in-depth course content. Much of what you'll learn here is based on your attachment style and how that affects the relationships you have with your family, friendships, and of course, your romantic relationships.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #Detachment #WhatIsDetachment #Interdependence #WhatIsInterdependence #UnmetNeeds #HowToMeetUnmetNeeds #RelationshipBoundaries

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1 июл 2024

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Комментарии : 105

@prashantmail 9 дней назад

1. Emotional Independence ---> Emotional Interdependence 2. Strong Boundaries---> Healthy Boundaries - from place of love instead of from fear 3. Not being attached to outcomes---> Be intentional - but not raise expectations 4. Prioritizing yourself and your needs ---> Prioritize joint needs 5. Objective Point of View ---> Don't intellectualize, Use Emotion

@katek4275 9 дней назад

Detachment comes from the buddhist principle of "attachment is the root of all suffering." It is not about emotional independence, but about accepting what is. From there, we can make choices about what is and what is not healthy for us, instead of constantly being in a cycle of craving or resisting

@Sketch1994 9 дней назад

OR you can put in the work to figure out why you are resisting...just saying. It changed my life and only for the better

@CarmenMoses-ey1eh 9 дней назад

But detaching from a narcissistic dismissive is the healthier option, as there is no reciprocity

@katek4275 9 дней назад

@Sketch1994 what makes you think I haven't? Vipassana meditation has been my best teacher for this

@Sketch1994 9 дней назад

@@katek4275 I had tons of meditation and it actually hindered my healing as it was also another form of detachment from my surroundings and the people close to me. The real healing comes from consciously searching for comfort outside your comfort zone. For me one of the peak moments was confronting my parents for their narcissistic behaviors and how they projected their own beliefs, goals and needs on me and how they always devalued my own choices

@MICROCAPTIGERS 9 дней назад

This is only true if you don’t follow the Buddhist principle of never cheating. Some people abuse this rule and cheat on their partners many times and it’s very common in the Asian community. They focus on one area of Buddhism and not the most important part of never cheating on your partner to cause pain and suffering

@tjclarke4604 9 дней назад

Absolutely right. Easy detachment is the quickest way to self-sabotage and destroy what has the potential to be a healthy and lasting relationship.

@xipingpooh5783 9 дней назад

Same last name and same life lessons learned. I was in the Marine Corps for 7 years. Once I was out and into the civilian population I struggled mightily. I married and divorced 19 years later. Somehow by the Grace of God I realized my avoidant attachment style was a major issue. I did my homework and dug deep inside myself and with Jesus Christ as my Savior I am a new person. I’m able to accept people into my life and to not place any expectations on them or the outcomes. Life is so much more enjoyable now. Thank you for your channel and the truths within your work.

@makitty_makeupxo 10 дней назад

As a fearful avoidant who’s in your school thank you so much for speaking on this. I’m leaning more secure now than ever but some days I’m still an FA and it’s really hard it’s like a battle between my brain and body’s comfort zone and what it has been craving it’s whole life. I’ve been using detachment as a form of avoidance and I’m glad that you called me out on it!!❤

@vorbis4860 9 дней назад

Apparently the somatic work available out there now can really help with that. Those of us who test as largely secure are grateful you're doing the work.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 9 дней назад

Thank you for your vulnerable share and we're so glad to hear that you've found great value out of the content!

@makitty_makeupxo 9 дней назад

@@vorbis4860 yes I love somatic work it has helped me very much too! Thank you for sharing that:) and that means a lot thank you for saying that❤️

@c.j.erickson9647 7 дней назад

I think the important thing to take away from this is she is talking about when you are in a relationship, not dealing with an ex. At that point, detaching for your sake is best.

@vonniemichelle3670 10 дней назад

Today, ten months later, I have come to accept that healthy for me means “just friends” without the on and off again intimacy. It is what it is. I can’t keep putting myself in the frying pan. We have found middle ground with a friendship, where no one is being put into a position of uncomfortableness, while still caring for one another. ❤ It is what it is.

@gigibtsurvivor3348 10 дней назад

“Detachment with love” is a popular and effective way to navigate a relationship with a partner struggling with addiction.

@fbnan 10 дней назад

My ex really shattered my hearth in a very selfish way… I still can’t recover from it. (She might not realize but I deserve to be treated respectfully) I really care for her and I just want the best of life for her. I really sorry for what she went or going through, but I have to heal from inside out and enjoy life.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 9 дней назад

We wish you all the best on your healing journey ! You deserve to enjoy your life :)

@sifublack192 10 дней назад

I've always believed detachment works BEFORE getting into a relationship. It's important because you need to vet a person before choosing to invest in them long-term.

@raybeshara1403 9 дней назад

How you feel now

@sifublack192 9 дней назад

@@raybeshara1403 always worked for me. I dodged some MAJOR bullets in the past.

@raybeshara1403 9 дней назад

Excellent 🎉

@sifublack192 9 дней назад

@@raybeshara1403 yep, found my person out of it.

@thomasderzweifler8258 9 дней назад

Bravo Thais, bravo! You desribe something I realized just recently by myself: What the majority of coaches and therapists describe as healthy (detaching, setting boundaries, ...) is in fact avoidant behaviour. I would even suggest that the rise of coachings and therapies has turned more secure people into avoidants than vice versa. Moreover, this is only part of an even bigger problem. Our whole culture (movies, literature, theatre, music and in particular feminism and MGTOW) suggests: Do not rely on anybody and do not trust anybody, especially not your partner. If you do not feel able to break up with your partner anytime you want without a blink of an eye, you are either weak or dumb. Avoidant behaviour used to be considered a problem. Nowadays it is viewed as an ideal.

@Ninsidhe 9 дней назад

Feminism has nothing to do with avoidant behaviour.

@angharadrobinson7314 9 дней назад

I'm really glad it's not only me- as someone who had a really unhealthy childhood around a lot of really traumatized people and poverty and hyper-machismo gang culture of "never let anyone see that your hurt/ anything affects you/ you're not completely self-reliant/ act indifferent towards relationships" and reeeally took a lot a lot a lot to even come to see that as an issue let alone get even a slight handle on it (the first time I told someone they meant a lot to me I was.. 28?).. Seeing how common and accepted these "ideals" have become is so sad and frustrating. I don't want to bother with any relationship that's every man for himself- or we're always prioritizing of our own needs first, don't rely on one another, don't (within reason obviously) sacrifice our wants and needs to support each other when they're in a bad place.. I don't want my friends or romantic partner to treat me like their co-worker- it's just creating shallow unfilling relationships that make you feel even more isolated in an unbelievably isolating society.

@thomasderzweifler8258 9 дней назад

@@angharadrobinson7314 Thank You! It is sad enough, that the behaviour both of us describe is suitable in business. But applying it to love means treating love as yet another sort of business. Just listen to the words the proponents of this use and it becomes obvious ("investment", "what do you get out of it", "dividend", "cut your losses", ...). If you follow this kind of advice you might get what they promise. But then do not complain that you cannot find love. It was you who took it off the table.

@StrangeIncorporated 9 дней назад

Finally someone speaking about this!!

@user-gg2vc3lf5r 9 дней назад

Thais thank you for your videos, you helped me a lot on my personal growth, since l discovered your channel last 2022. I am an FA and working on to be fully securedly attached, your videos is my source for my therapy for free. More power to your channel

@anzelaiv 10 дней назад

A very interesting video! I didn't realise detachment was a concept. Always thought that short periods of detachment are just a normal circumstantial part of every connection, and that we should know how to be okay when a little detached, and how to restore the connection after. Detachment as a strategy for a healthy relationship doesn't sound right to me even though, like Thais, I was always an FA who couldn't rely on anyone.

@koala01111986 10 дней назад

I'm still struggling with this in romantic relationships, I can be vulnerable (even if not completely, never really say the full way I feel when I struggle and still don't do it often) with my closest friends but in romantic relationships I still struggle to allow other to be there, easier with materialistic things (like let them help me doing something for example)

@denneciacarter 10 дней назад

This was extremely timely this morning. Thank you Thais for providing this insight on a more healthy way. I have understood this and tried to express this healthy interdependence in relationships, but unfortunately haven't found that to work. I am former AP (not claiming that attachment style anymore as I continue to do the work) that's really working to be more secure so this was a valid reminder right now! Again, thank you!!

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 9 дней назад

Thank you for your kind comment :) We wish you all the best on your healing journey !

@denneciacarter 9 дней назад

Thank you!

@migueld5227 9 дней назад

Detachment sounds like severely avoidant to me. I used to be this way. It destroyed my life in many ways

@derwoodhamburger 9 дней назад

This is a great video. Attachment has got me burned so much over the past few years

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 9 дней назад

Thank you for your kind comment :) We're so glad to hear that you've found great value out of the content !

@DV-vn8rj 9 дней назад

Thanks for putting this video out Thais. I was a bit conflicted on this whole detachment topic and you clarified it in a way that makes sense to me. Not that it is easy either way but at least it is a lot more clear.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 9 дней назад

Thank you for your kind comment :) We're so glad to hear that you've found great value out of the content !

@user-js4mt1nr2y 7 дней назад

This was amazing.. So spilled out what I am working towards. Love how clear it's said.. The things I used to struggle with and couldn't pinpoint or articulate. And funny enough from this video it shows I am actually struggling with the detachement of outcome 😂 I do notice it more when I seem to get back in my expectations instead of setting an intention and being more open in how others function or for what's to come. For me that part was a huge breakthrough a year ago as I understood this is also huge in my black and white all or nothing boundries and why I am called strict by others. It's a hard one for me but I see how it's sabotaging me aswell and so I really want to learn this even tho it's so hard if you had to learn to set boundries in general.. Now the rest of it I am making way more progress and it's even noticed. It's extremely hard work to heal and sometimes it's like nobody notices anyways how much do people pay attention to how you communicate? But simultaneously it's everything within connections.

@edithamaliaioo2228 9 дней назад

Yes, interdependence, sadly not many people think the same

@amberlight558 8 дней назад

I appreciate you sharing this and I deeply agree. Thank you.

@nyangichic375 9 дней назад

I am of the same view Thais and I was really struggling with this concept as it is so popular in self help communities. To me, it feels like detachment is being surface level and ambivalent and I dont want an ambivalent relationship coz am a deep and passionate person. Also I think avoidants have a Phd in detachment but that doesn't fulfill them either. So for me, am usually fully in while still honoring myself, my needs, capacity, limitations and boundaries and I expect my partner to be fully in as well while honoring theirs too.

@emey444 8 дней назад

Im sorry but detachment was what helped me move on from an f.a.... i been completely in peace, loving me and happy since i detached!😂

@marketrooper6473 9 дней назад

Detachment has been misconstrued by people who don’t have a very good understanding of what it actually means. Detachment in the internal sense actually means disidentifying who you are from you thoughts and what you make them mean. It’s disidentifying from the body so that emotions don’t have the power to overcome your better judgement and control you. It mean disidentifying who you are and your worth from the outcomes of what you’re constantly dreaming of so that you can in be content with who and where you are now while while staying curious, playful, creative and open so that you can take inspired action towards your goals.

@momanddaughtervids4257 8 дней назад

Could you make some clear suggestions for how to learn this type of detachment? It sounds so lovely and so impossible to achieve . I need a plan of action . It sounds like a feat of a super hero when you are so stuck in your emotions and thoughts. Please, I hope you have a direction you can point me in.

@jessieprahmmiles6406 8 дней назад

This description is what I call being connected or more accurately, aware of ypur connection - to your Self/Soul/Essence and in that connection is being connected to your higher power.

@sallycollins8044 9 дней назад

How does the FA get past the sentiment that there are so few people who are trustworthy. it seems naive to think someone could be there for you, or not use your vulnerabilities against you? Because isn't that the problem?

@sallycollins8044 9 дней назад

Btw thais, you're amazing!

@ethangrey113 10 дней назад

this is such an important video all around

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 9 дней назад

Thank you for your kind comment Ethan :)

@crumplycowboy 9 дней назад

I wish I had never heard of attachment theory or that I had heard about it 20 years ago. At this point the five points of detachment are basically the blueprint for living my life and it seems too late to make a change.

@AimeeVignes 9 дней назад

Thank you! I hope this comes to all of this who preach on that stoicism crap

@LifeOfNancyB 9 дней назад

💪🥰Totally agree with you ❤❤

@annaynely 9 дней назад

Thais, could you talk about the reality of trade-offs in rlps? Perhaps with one or two examples. Talk to us about the importance of trade-offs as part of an interdependent grounded rlp. Thx.

@vorbis4860 9 дней назад

Great idea. Most insecurely attached people don't look at everything in this overview sort of way; they want to know the trade-offs and need to really look at how their prioritization is affected by their attachment style, because they think their concerns are practical all the time.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 9 дней назад

Thank you for your kind suggestion, I have now forwarded this to Thais :)

@infinitybassuk 9 дней назад

Yes - that's right 👍 But.. let's say you're "trapped" in a relationship with a DA (borderline Narcissistic PD) who won't work on healing themselves, play's you as The Victim.. and avoids your needs.. the only option must be to detach? 🤔

@user-js4mt1nr2y 7 дней назад

The moment you call your significant an narcissist you need to ask yourself why you choose to be with the most dangerous people to be with in a relationship? I've been with an narcissist and they break you down, abuse you and make you feel worthless and crazy. The moment I acknowledged that it was in his personality and not just a coping than you know it will never get better only worse. Narcissists have a different brain and litterly no empathy. They put others down on purpose. It's different with an avoidant but even then if they mistreat you than you need to take your own responsibility like with everything that hurts and is bad for you to leave. Nobody is going to safe you and in such relationships you need to ask yourself why do you feel comfortable in a victom role? Start taking care of yourself and get out. If they are not as abusive but just avoidant than there is still the question why do you call her a narcissist? That speaks of not feeling treated well and is still a signal you need to take seriously.

@TechieSewing 8 дней назад

Huh, that's the first time I heard about the concept. That youth story is familiar. I spent a long time trying to stop crying, e.g. stop being a person who cries here and there. Never worked.

@user-js4mt1nr2y 7 дней назад

For me it worked, highly sensitive and bullied all my life for it. I stopped crying and I stopped feeling and I even detached so hard I got depressed and worse I got derealisation which was not feeling connected to my own body, surroundings and life. I think it's more typical an problem men struggle with since society tells them not to feel. But what I've learned is instead of listening and making myself smaller and colder I should have taken more space and advate for being me. Now we don't have to let our feelings lead us or start crying everywhere. Instead of suppression and detachment what I needed was learning to regulate. Get out of the initial feeling when in an inappropriate situation by accepting you feel that way and giving it space in a later moment, walking out for some privacy or speaking about your feelings for instance. I also have had some extreme somatic body reactions because of the suppressing. Cause my system is highly sensitive and that's not going to change but I wasn't allowed to express it so my body did with illness. So I wanted to say after 20 years of suppressing and the last 2 years of learning to feel again but still having moments of depression and suppression. Feeling is a gift! It makes you feel a life! Crying (not always with others as this can signal other things) is also a gift of relieve! I even have had for the first time happy tears and I used to feel ashamed and now I felt it was a GIFT to feel this happy! ❤

@makitty_makeupxo 10 дней назад

Thais, How long did it take you to become securely attachment?

@naserapos8932 9 дней назад

In my personal experience and doing the work daily or weekly it took me 4 years. I do have a history of abuse from the ages of 5 through 18 which I believe contributed to the length of time it took me. I also identified as a fearful avoidant and always choose a partner who was dismissive avoidant. I believe it was a subconscious cycle to continue lack of love and nurturing from my parents. At 46 years old I finally recognized the pattern and after 4 years have become securely attached. I owe this to Thais' guidance and wisdom. So grateful for her work in my life.❤

@makitty_makeupxo 9 дней назад

@@naserapos8932 I’m so happy for you! Thank you for sharing that. I can definitely relate to the abuse part. It’s really hard to deal with especially in childhood. Thais school has changed my life. Im only 25 but I’ve been in therapy for 10 years and been in Thais school for a year. I lean secure half the time and sometimes I get dysregulated and go into fear based thinking so it takes me a few days or a week to come back from it. Which is nothing compared to living in that mode all the time. Im so grateful!

@RobbiJamesVogt 9 дней назад

I would agree with you. Detaching isn’t correct. Attaching isn’t correct either. Knowing that no one can make you happy. It has to come from within’

@Coden11 7 дней назад

I disagree that happiness comes from within. I believe happiness or rather joy are states of being that are realized, not generated from the self.

@carlfreiermuth5424 9 дней назад

you might be married but we still love you 🤗🤗

@alwaystheheart 7 дней назад

Finally someone said it lound and clear. 🎉❤

@ZhengSW 9 дней назад

That's like saying, "being dismissive avoidant" is the way to go LMAO NO THANKS!!!

@raybeshara1403 9 дней назад

You are right Love yourself as your neighbor that's what Jesus recommends it's interesting this also means you can't love your neighbor more than yourself. Then will become unbalanced. It's funny I reversed it by saying love yourself as your neighbor which Jesus says to love your neighbor as yourself. I think because we've been robbed of thinking of loving ourselves we need to love ourselves🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

@MuscleBandit 9 дней назад

VOCAL FRY.

@spikygreen 9 дней назад

Whiner 😅

@MuscleBandit 9 дней назад

@spikygreen constructive feed back.

@spikygreen 9 дней назад

@@MuscleBandit I'm glad you found my feedback constructive ;)

@asdfxcvbn746 10 дней назад

women & their random emotions are so fickle & ever-changing, that men HAVE to detach. otherwise women would make men unhappy 100% of the time. women have basically forced men into a situation where both long & short term relationships are no longer beneficial for men. because of a woman's fickle emotions, she can literally discard you & leave you at any moment, no matter how much you have invested in her, which causes men to pull away & simply not invest into any women & only invest into themselves. now the only "commitment" men are offering are short-term situationships with no investment & no title. women seem to not like the end result of getting dumped by the guy at the end of situationships. women asked for this. they did this to themselves.

@Kinteresting 9 дней назад

Come on man, it’s Saturday!😎

@asdfxcvbn746 9 дней назад

@@Kinteresting and?

@naserapos8932 9 дней назад

What I hear you saying is that nowadays women's emotions and outlook on relationships have become so independent and removed from true partnership that men do not see a way to connection. In today's society feminism has become a way to toss men aside as if there is no need for men. I have seen this reality reflected in many sitcoms. There is a female character who is smarter than the man and extremely attractive, and she treats the male character in such a tool and always passive aggressive or demeaning to him. And then you have the male character who is a buffoon, an idiot, and just absolutely clueless. My thoughts while watching the sitcoms has always been the woman not taking accountability that she chose someone who is inadequate. Only unhealthy women at the way you are describing. As a woman I had to take accountability and reprogram society's Norm that what is projected on me. This moving towards a securely attached woman I have seen those toxic traits disappear. So now I prefer an emotionally intelligent man who is self aware. There is hope!

@asdfxcvbn746 9 дней назад

@@naserapos8932 "In today's society feminism has become a way to toss men aside as if there is no need for men. I have seen this reality reflected in many sitcoms." --- this is reflected in real life as well. especially in the U.S & western countries like Canada etc. "Only unhealthy women at the way you are describing." ---- i agree with almost everything you said prior to this comment. the problem with this statement is that a vast majority of western/american women in my generation/age range are like this. so when the women with unhealthy mindsets vastly outnumber the healthy ones to the point where american men in large numbers feel like they need to leave the country just to find a quality partner, thats a bit of an issue. "As a woman I had to take accountability and reprogram society's Norm that what is projected on me. This moving towards a securely attached woman I have seen those toxic traits disappear." --- thats great to hear that you did the work on yourself. but thats so rare for women to do. finding a woman like that (who is under age 30 & of child-rearing age) is so incredibly rare, that its not worth it for men to look through the haystack to find the one needle. "So now I prefer an emotionally intelligent man who is self aware. There is hope!" --- the issue is, the few women that do the work on themselves to undo the feminism & the societal programming that makes them hate men, choose bad boys, be independent boss divas etc, it takes them until they are nearly elderly women until it happens. women get past age 35 & then when they see men's interest dropping off, ONLY THEN do they do the work on themselves to try to become more desirable to men. but by that time they are already age 35, 40, 50 etc. & for men, age is a big factor in mate choice, like income is for women. men want to start families & typically thats done at women's prime age for child-bearing which is in her 20's. thats usually when she's not interested in emotionally intelligent men. she wants the dismissive avoidant bad boy. but it is what it is.

@lovebites2943 9 дней назад

🤣🤣🤣 woooooow

@user-bz9se3dv3r 6 дней назад

You’re a Cutie…I don’t care hat attachment style you have…

@tigeratlas 9 дней назад

I’m struggling to see why I should do all that work to become more interdependent. I’m single and enjoying my freedom so much. I can’t see what a partner could add to my life. So the return on all that work just seems like it’s not worth the effort.

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 8 дней назад

I have felt this way my entire life. I don't look for partners. I enjoy my life as is. If it happens, great but when it's not in the cards, I'm perfectly fine.

@richardgene4231 8 дней назад

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes. Not sure about women. But statistical data for single men is grim. The life expectancy for a life long single male is about 10 to 15 years shorter on average. One can definitely survive alone, just not as long.

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 8 дней назад

@@richardgene4231 why do you think that is? I personally think it's because it's just easier for men when there's a female there. Most women nurture by nature. Most of my past relationships involved me being the breadwinner and the one expected to cook and clean as well as endless sex. For a lot of women, it's just easier to be alone. I like being emotionally involved with a man I'm truly in love with, but most of the time it's fairly surface level and I'm left thinking what the hell am I doing here? I'm always happier outside of relationships. As a matter of fact, I'd say about 95% of any stress I've had in life has involved a man. So for us, being by ourselves will likely result in a longer life span. I haven't read the statistics of course.

@ds37215 7 дней назад

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes yes, statistics do show that while married men tend to have longer life spans than single men, this is reversed for women. Married women tend to have shorter life spans than single women.