That's exactly it. The children want to approach the parent but are afraid of them. Sometimes my mom was kind, sometimes she was a raging, cruel monster.
My late mother suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). She was neurodivergent and so am I. Our executive functioning works differently than those who are neurotypical. She was also a highly sensitive person; and so am I.
Same! This video clicked, as did that comment. We want to be able to trust them and feel safe, and at some level, we do believe that they are.... yet they're also the one the MOST threatening to our wellbeing. ugh
Sounds about right. I used to joke that I had to be a different person depending on which parent I was with. Mom operated on emotion only, while Dad despised emotion in anyone other than himself. If the two were in the same room, I practically short-circuited trying to figure out what I was supposed to do. I was expected to be mature and responsible, fill in for Mom, help Dad with his problems, take care of my younger siblings, and never have any needs of my own. You really don't get to be a person at all in that kind of dynamic.
My (prolly avoidant) dad was intermittently working overseas for long stretches of time, leaving me home alone with my (likely anxious) mother and younger siblings. For a few months, Dad’d be gone and I’d be responsible for the emotional needs of my mother and siblings, then for a few months he’d be back and he was some mysterious, aloof, globetrotting superhero and I ended up competing with my mom and siblings for his approval.
I think a situation exacerbates an already unhealthy parental dynamic. I’m sure there was more to it that your parents were different. They weee probably toxic unhealthy people as well.
The concept of having a parent who was prone to lose control really resonated with me as FA. My dad wasn’t abusive in any way and was a consistent caregiver, but because of his trauma from not having gentle, supportive male figures in his life, he lashed out and was super authoritative. He was a ticking time bomb and got angry whether necessary or unnecessary. Whenever I mom needed alone time I’d get extremely upset if I couldn’t go with her abs had to stay home with my dad. I don’t harbor any resentment towards him as he’s grown and changed a LOT, but now as an adult it seems harder to initiate conversation with him rather than my mom.
i had kinda same situation where my dad was a ticking time bomb. He could at any time get extremely anxious about a stain or an imaginary smell and just start scrubbing or looking for the smell for hours and have a really anxious and angry energy. As a child i didn’t understand what caused it, now i know it’s just he’s response to stress.
I'd just get my ass whopped for nothing. The moment he touched that belt on his waist...terror ran through my veins. So over time, it became his bluff. He just touch the belt and us kids would just freeze. Classically conditioned to the ticking time 💣
What I'm convinced was a Fearful Avoidant broke my heart, but especially after watching this, I can only feel compassion for her and hope she can heal herself eventually 😢
Heidi I feel so understood right now that my fuckin stomach literally is tensed up. I want to cry, cuss, hit something, give you the biggest hug and just sit in this feeling of happy/irritated all at the same time. I’m 39 now and I’ve spend a lot of my years feeling like a “bad guy” all of my relationships have been short lived flings or long term roller coasters of confusion for me and the women I was with. Leaving me feeling years of guilt and “would have-could have-should have thinking even till this day. I thought I was dismissive avoidant but with more research I realize I land more on the fearful avoidant side, low key I didn’t want to be fearful avoidant because the profile/description of them seem really fucked up which plays into how I already feel about myself, not to mention the comment sections on these videos people HATE us…and I’m like whoa I just got here (the world of attachment theory) I did not choose this and I want healing just as much as you do, why do we rag on each other when WE ARE ALL in need of healing, doesn’t make sense. Anyway thank Heidi for all your research and help with all this stuff, today burdens have been lifted off of me, I am more than ready for healing. I want to put in the work to get to a more secure style. Keep up the great work!! 💪🏾💪🏾
Bro i feel this to core of my soul. Literally every word has been my thoughts, feelings, & experiences these past 2 days cuz i just really learned about attachment theory myself. I hope u are doing well in your healing process now, bro. Thank u for sharing yourself in your comment. It helped me.
@@carlo.notcarlos Wow bro thank you for taking the time to read my comment. I wrote this 6 months ago (whoa time flies!) since then I’ve been working on my trauma off and on as a matter of fact I’m putting in some work right now. I do feel a little more balanced now but the journey is a long one patience is key lol. I’ve learned a lot about myself so far happy about my growth so far as well. Keep doing ya thang bro because mental and emotional clarity is golden, God bless you bro I’m rooting for you!!! 💪🏾💪🏾
@@Cat_Lady it’s super exciting and I feel needed for men to be encouraged in this area especially by women because it shows men are just as multifaceted as women. I’m a creative so I tend to be in touch with my more emotional side but I feel there is balance especially since I’m on this healing journey…men who care need the support so I thank and appreciate you…also thank you for reaching out to me. I told myself a few months ago I was gonna start engaging in the comment section more with channels who’s content I connect with. If you could what does “fwiw” mean??
@@rayscott82 hahaha I think fwiw = for what it's worth. You're spot on with your comments. Emotional and mental clarity is key. And self understanding, to understand the triggers and release all the shame. You're doing so well to be commenting on a video like this - most people blindly suffer insecure attachment styles. Peace ✌️
This explains a lot. My father was emotionally distant and my mother was chaotic. Sometimes, when I was scared or upset, she'd hug me and provide comfort and sometimes she'd get annoyed and call me crazy and paranoid for having stupid fears or laugh at me
For anyone else who has this attachment style, are you also as scared as I am that this nightmare will last forever? I literally just want to let my guard down and be able to give and receive love. It's so difficult to live like this. Edit: There absolutely is hope. It takes work to understand your patterns, but with some therapy work you can absolutely get to an "earned secured" attachment style. Also, to anyone who hasn't tried it, do EMDR therapy. That really helps even more than talk therapy in my experience
Absolutely, I feel like I'm in a purgatory of my own design. Trapping myself because of my flaws and my core wounds. I just got through my first huge fight or flight, wanting to run away and shutdown response and didn't act during that time. First time I have ever done that. I sat with the fear and I showed myself that it comes directly from within me rather than from anyone else. It's scary, and I honestly can say that I don't know what I'm doing nor do I have any answers, but I have changed, and I am continuing to change. I'm trying to accept my emotions even if I don't necessarily understand them in the moment. I hope that consistently showing myself how I can live through each panic without running, that I can eventually feel okay with closeness and intimacy.
Yup. Felt like my entire life, up to a certain point, was a fight for survival. I think for me it really was the "lack of information for survival", my environment wasnt bad. Always had some optimisim that made me go on, but it was rough. The real thing that made me change my life was a fairly late ADHD diagnosis. With that, suddenly most of my life started to make sense... still needs a lot of processing and healing, but damn did that flip a switch. Suddenly I had something to go on, a bunch of missing information on how to live that I just didnt get, cuz nobody knew I had ADHD.
So terrified it will last forever. A guy I liked for a while finally told me he felt bad for anyone else I was with because I was so messed up. I’m sad for anyone to know me.
@@coldblooded568 When everything goes well and they can finally experience true intimacy, they get scared of the other person for no reason (because of their trauma). When they dream about intimacy, they don't get scared, because the potential danger (the other person) is not really present there and their trauma doesn't get triggered.
@@kiochan_yt6070 The worst is over now! Now, when you finally know what it is, you are at the beginning of the end of it. You can finally treat it properly and cure from it. So be grateful, because you are going to be free from it soon!
@@kiochan_yt6070 I have good news for you, since you found out what it is, you can cure it now. This is the beginning of the end of it. It will be only better from now.
I really love that final message, that if your attachment style is evoking problems now it means that you are in more secure circumstances. This is for me a very ressource oriented perspective to this matter as well as the fact that our attachment strategies were functional (healthy) strategies to a more or less dysfunctional environment. This for me is the starting point for a selfcompassion based view towards yourself and others and lets me remind myself of how wondersome the human existence is. We are all made of stars. ✨
My mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (with some borderline characteristics as well) and I think that basically guarantees developing this attachment style. Thank you for explaining.
Hearing about the fearful avoidant attachment style and people delving into their internal experiences, struggles and desires is cathartic to me because no one ever cared about anything like that in my life.
I used to have a recurring nightmare where I would wake up and get out of bed with this deep yearning feeling like I really needed something from my parents. It was never clear what it was but I knew I needed comfort and couldn’t resolve the problem on my own. I would get out of bed and walk very cautiously and look over this railing that was in the house. My parents sometimes weren’t there but sometimes they were talking to each other and sometimes they were having a party. I would feel terrified of asking for help because I didn’t want to make them angry or be laughed at and shamed by them or their guests and I didn’t want the guests to see me in my pajamas or see me being needy and I felt like a burden and an impostor. I would stand in the shadows and constantly go back and forth between wanting to step forward and wanting to go back to my room and cry myself to sleep. I kept trying to look for more information to determine whether it was safe to proceed or not but I couldn’t discern anything further so I had to just go for it. When I finally decided I was gonna approach my parents and ask for help, I would lose control of my body and tumble over the railing and wake up feeling like I was falling. Nothing more fearful avoidant than that. I guess I’m pretty lucky to have a brain that was trying so hard to process things and that repeatedly forces me to face my problems through dreams. My dreams have…awoken me a lot in my life. They don’t let me hide from my issues.
I feel you. And I feel so much what you're describing right in my body. I am still mortified by how much my dreams uncover in me (that I desperately try to cover and hide). It is shame, and anxiety that I have to act on them, but I don't (didn't) know how, because how could I make any decision? I felt so untrustworthy, I was just petrified by the prospect of seeing the full scope of my fall knowing full well that I won't do anything about it. At the same time it is a blessing, like you said, they keep waking me up to this reality and that's why I am here. Thank you for sharing, what you wrote felt sincere and beautiful.
The fact that we have almost similar nightmares mean so much to me. I used to have recurring dreams of falling off staircases or venturing alone in strange dim places on my own for many years till I move out and have my own place.
Whenever I venture into romantic relationships it's all like a storm of emotions and a need for space. Come to me - go away - touch me - don't touch me - message me - don't even dare to. You try to be consistent with it, try to set personal boundaries but somehow still manage to scare people off. Or it's my toxic shame speaking, I don't really know at this point. Yet it's a consistent pattern in my life. I have to know the person very well to trust them. And when they feel they are not trusted they get offended. Thank you for addressing this topic. This is very helpful❤
I think it's important to note that attachment styles impact all areas of life, not just relationships. The disorientation described with the FA is something I have experienced everyday. It is a dislocation I feel in my career and life decisions, and making any decision, big or small. Just choosing what I want to eat at a restaurant is so overwhelming for me because THAT is how much I deeply feel on even a subconscious level that I cannot trust myself. And my partners have criticized me for it. I think this specific disorientation with FA's is exacerbated SO much if you have narcissistic abuse, hyper vigilance, or extreme low self esteem that makes it so you have no self trust.
Thank you for being honest. My partner is FA and I understand him much better by learning about it. 'Normal' interactions can stress him out. I never want to criticise him because of a trauma response, I know the feeling too well.
I only learned my ex was an FA after an extreme self-sabotage act by her, followed by the most insane 2 months of my life. This comment really hits home though. She would never choose the restaurant we would go to no matter how much I wanted her to pick where we were going. And at the restaurants she left the ordering up to me, saying she trusted I would pick us great dishes. Never really thought much of it until seeing yoru comment.
@@526colin as an FA self sabotage is something i struggle with SO much, its like my biggest problem & also the biggest thing i feel toxic shame about and don’t want to acknowledge which exacerbates the issue (the unique torture of being FA). reading your comment made me think about my past partner, bc it is unkind to put pressure on others around you all the time to make decisions for you and try to meet your needs instead of taking responsibility for yourself. Something i had to realize and have been working on. Im able to have more compassion for my past partner (eventhough they were very far from perfect & not healthy) because i can see now how being around someone who is never comfortable, at ease in their self/body, or able to use discernment to be honest about how they feel/clear advocating for themsleves is just no fun! esp when youre coupled and you want to be having a good time!
I love that you geek out halfway through. THAT is the energy you love to see in a person who's very devoted to their topic, and excitement that draws an audience in. Just catching up with a ton of your videos, but want to convey how much I appreciate your approach, articulate descriptions and concise materials around attachment styles. Keep up the great work!
I feel like I have wasted so much time thinking I had an anxious attachment style because I only focused on just how desperately I craved intimacy. Realizing my tendency to invalidate my emotions and focus on my logic, at the expense of being able to be vulnerable and share my emotions, meant I was fearful avoidant has helped me so much. I feel like I have a better framework for understanding myself and moving forward. When I thought I was anxiously attached I focused on ignoring my emotions more to become worthy of a relationship. Now I realize I was completely wrong and I have to be honest with others how I feel to be able to move forward. Thank you.
This really helps to hear. I was daring a girl in my mid 20's that I adored. We were getting close, and it all fell apart abruptly. Things were good, but it just suddenly ended without any real "reason". I have always needed to know "what I did wrong", and we spoke for years afterwards as friends, occasionally talking about our relationship. Knowing what I do about her past, this video really seems to strike a chord with what happened. I remember her snuggling up to me and telling me I was the kind of guy she thinks she could marry, and I told her that I felt the same, and then days later there was a rapid crashing of the relationship into nothing. She would keep me as a friend, and she would try to get close, but any time it looked like we may make something work, she'd get mad and ghost me again. I got out for my OWN mental health, but I was always so confused as to what was going on. I'm happily married now, so I don't think I'll be sharing this video with her, but I hope she figured it out on her own. Despite the heartache, she was really a great person.
> "It's like they can only tolerate the experience of true intimacy when it's not present for them." Liking the _idea_ of something more than the _something_ itself. For me this works with almost anything... I'd _love_ to focus on a movie, but doing so feels dangerous.
@@rabbitcreativeThis hurts bc Its the person I love, not the idea, I only get to feel the love when I get distance. As soon as they are close I'm so scared that I can't see straight 😞
ive joked with friends how, as a child one parent would yell for me to "look at me when im talking to you!" and one parent say "dont look at me you put your head down". i had to learn to adapt to cultural differences with my parents on my own at a young age without anyone helping me to understand where that came from. I'd joke that as biracial i never could fully relate or be accepted by either parent, always othered. your video hit so many points. how id have to become so attune to reading people and always looking for the information i dont have, always high alert and never safe. things i have since learned but in this new way of framing is helpful to understand how its left a lasting impact because thats how i learned to be in the world. thank you
That’s one way I don’t think people think about that aspect of interracial relationships they just think solely about their partner and whatever extra aspects involving the person’s differences let alone how their child will deal with being biracial and which race, culture they will more identify with. I’m not interracial, but a Black male, but I can see how it would be something that is a challenge.
Just sitting here weeping for baby me whose mother was depressed and could, without warning or decipherable pattern, switch from absent and neglectful to *enraged* to 'nice lady' and back. My antennae are so far out that I watch my closest relationships through binoculars and sonar. I just want to go love that baby!😭💕
how have you been doing? Like to let you know that Im also biracial and Ive never ever linked that to my attachment style ... but my parents were different like day and night and in perspective of that my attachment style does make sense.so thank you for your comment, it helped me to gain a better understanding of my own challenges
I’ve always had a couple memories stick with me. One includes toddler me running away from my mother (previously the “safe” parent) who was coming at me with a belt, into the arms of my father who my brain had already identified as dangerous from past situations. I remember feeling so helpless and was expecting my father would hold me down so that she could hit me. I was confused when he actually defended me. Yeah, this attachment makes sense…
That can be terrifying to experience especially as a child. I hear your pain , I remember how painful it was for me when I knew my mom is going to beat me up and how terrified I was when I knew that thing my father was drinking is something that makes him goes numb and becomes a different person. May we all heal 🤍
I feel related and resonated with BOTH vids about avoidant and anxious, hence I've realized I am actually fearful-avoidant. And indeed, I think since my dad was always absent, and showing zero emotions, it was impossible to predict his reaction and I constantly felt scared when having to spend time alone with him. While with my mom, I deeply resent her anxiety as she doesn't have the capacity to emphasize me as a child, needing me to take care of her emotionally, and at the same time always sometimes crying and other times getting angry at me with no reason. She was also incredibly emotionally/verbally abusive toward me. It was confusing as hell. Cuz even tho my morality and the outside world told me how amazing and loving she was, I did not feel it. Even today, she denies all the abuses and cannot see how much damage she's caused to me. After spending 21 years feeling extremely empty, miserable, unbearable, self-hatred, angry, and sad inside, I decided to self-discover and change things. Tried medications for 2 years and they did not work for me. Had some very short & very abruptly ending relationships, and after being in a 1y relationship with a narc, an emotionally abusive person just like my mother who trigged a whole complete side of my anxious attachment, I spent a lot of time to self-reflect and doing the inner work. Now I'm at the start stage of a new relationship, I can't tell if this story will turn out differently yet, but I'm already feeling like a diff person. I change the way I communicate with my partner, talk to myself, express my emotions, and I learn to tolerate some discomfort feelings while CHOOSING to trust. For sure, there are times I feel triggered, insecure, and overthink, I also have PTSD symptoms from my ex, but at the same time I'm practicing self-soothe and co-regulation. I really do want to move toward the secure attachment style and I believe I'm on my way to it.
Thank you for sharing your story. I relate deeply. I am so proud of you for coming this far and for wanting to heal yourself. I had the chance to practice secure attachment with some close friends and they opened up a whole new world. I felt safe for the first time, learned who I truly was, and was able to receive love for the first time. This helped me tremendously in my romantic relationships. Sending my best to you on your journey. ❤
@@graceintheplace13 thank you for sharing too! I think what changed my entire world the first time were also my friends. I've only learned what love should feel like this year after being loved and seen by several people, as well as loving and having compassion for myself. Sending love back to you too ❤
@@Oopdie6721 Getting triggered 1000 times more easily in the relationship, which also helped me realize many things happened in the past that I did not notice or realize it was traumatic. I'm getting pretty good with communication, and my current partner so far shows empathy and respect for my emotions and feelings
FA mostly avoidant with crazy switches to anxious in romantic relationships. My secure and stable mum was our primary caregiver, but my dad was a doctor, and he was the one who cared for us when we were sick, he had an amazing healing touch that calmed us down and he always made us feel safe when sick. He also had almost daily bursts of rage and frustration, at us kids, at the phone or for the stupidest reasons. When we were adults we would laugh at these, but it is true it would have been scary for a small child. I also think my issues were enhanced by the school environment, where I got bullied as a super sensitive child and it only stopped when I learned to put the mask on. At home I was encouraged to be sensitive by my mum and rest of artistic family, and at school I had to be indiferent and emotionless
As an autistic person trying to explore and unpack how masking negatively impacts my ability to attach to others, this video was very valuable. The discussion about distinctly separating state of logic vs. state of emotion given what the situation calls for in particular feels very relevant. I think the discussion of "not having enough information" applies distinctly to a lot of neurodivergent experiences because of the disconnect in processing. That's very interesting. "Constantly on guard for what might be happening that they're not aware of." also distinctly applies to a lot of social/platonic circumstances that tend to be more traumatic for neurodivergent kids. OH WOW. "I am not ok; other people are not ok. I can't trust other people; but, I also can't trust myself." That was an eye opener statement.
I feel the urge to wanna cry typing this becuz the past 2 days u have helped me SO MUCH & I almost self-sabotaged my relationship with my life partner that i love so much, & know for a fact is good for me, until my fearful avoidant shit kicks in! I been researching like hell trying to pinpoint which style i have, & literally, EVERYWHERE i looked confused the hell out of me. Lol! But your videos have been the only thing I've found online that really made it make sense to me. I'm definitely a fearful avoidant, which is why i identify with the anxious, avoidant, & secure attachment styles to some extent. I see parts of me in all 3 but it's definitely disorganized. U literally explained my childhood in this video between me, my mama, & my daddy. I really am thankful for God that u exist becuz i FINALLY feel like i can fix what's wrong with me. I've never felt right. I have had a very hard life dealing with this & i could never understand it but God has sent me divine understanding thru my intuition over the yrs that has helped me along the way. But this video has really brought everything into clear view for me. I realize I'm toxic in love becuz of this but i also realize i can fix it, & it's not my fault or my parents fault altho i have been carrying guilt towards myself as well as blame for my parents. My mama is either an anxious or fearful avoidant style (I'm leaning more towards fearful avoidant) & my daddy is an avoidant style so growing up i was very confused about the relationships taking place at home between my parents, & my 2 older brothers. To anybody reading this, it's a blessing for us to be learning about the more negative parts of ourselves cuz the 1st step to solving a problem, is acknowledging it. So as much as some these truths I'm learning hurts, I'm VERY happy to finally have the knowledge, understanding, & the tools, to make a positive change. I pray we all find inner peace in this lifetime.
“Their body and their nervous system can only tolerate intimacy when it’s not present for them”…. That’s exactly my experience in every relationship in one sentence
My mother was two different people in one. When she was sober she was kind and attentive. Cooking my favorite meals, cuddling me to sleep, comforting me when I cried but, when she was drunk she was someone else. She’d lash out and say I was disgusting and disappointing. She’d say that she hated me and our family. She’d bang on my bedroom door all night and curse at me and my sibling until morning. I would be so scared I’d cry myself to sleep. By noon when she woke and her inebriation had passed she’d act like nothing happened and love me again.
suggestion for a future video: maybe something that centers on the FA; who's at a safer point of their life, is increasingly holistically aware, has made a lot of headway using logic/emotions in an integrated way but still frustratingly struggles with self-doubt (in life decisions and sticking with a path).
You are the best, you do not make moral judgements. Moral judgements do not help people, on either side of the relationship issue. I had never noticed the tat. Keep making great videos. I am glad I found your YT channel. I am in the process of giving a fearfull avoidant "ample time and opportunity to keep clear." (a yacht racing term.)
I am shivering right now. I have been doing THIS ever since I can remember, very much wanting and fearing closeness in equal measure and very much simultaneously, and seeing this and many of your other videos I am as much in awe as in need for more. I need to find someone who can help me work through this, because I have been, like I said, wanting to and dreading getting close to people ALL MY LIFE. I am going to rewatch this with my notebook and pen in hand, because there is so much I need to extract and work on, it's bonkers. The way you explain and describe these concepts is so approachable and at the same time so groundbreaking (at least for me) it's crazy. Thank you for existing.
I cried. Thank you for giving me an explanation (rational side) that will help me feel and grieve the reality (emotional side) that it wasn’t my fault.
I always felt like I was both anxious and avoidant but didn’t relate as much to the anxious one. This explains everything so so perfect. Thank you for giving me a name for it
You are such an absolute godsend. Finally I understand this insane contradiction I feel all the time of burning with desire for someone but wanting to run away the second it looks like someone responds positively to me. I always just put it down to a simple anxiety due to lack of experience and just blamed myself for it... Thank you so very much for this explanation!
I can’t thank you enough Heidi. This was THE most perfect description of all of my worst moments and traits and you totally nailed it. I suspected this was where I landed but until now wasn’t sure. Until now, I’ve been so confused by my own contradictory behavior. You also give me hope that I don’t have to always live this way. Half a century later ... better late than never I guess 🙏🙏
I think I'm FA and I think the man I'm currently seeing is also FA. I have often wondered how I got this way, as I wasn't really abused. This video unlocked some keys for me. Thinking back, my father was unpredictable, I never knew if he would be in a joking mood or an angry mood, so I walked on eggshells around him. My mom seemed avoidant with me & my sister. I remember her watching her soaps and folding laundry. Seemed we played on our own mostly, then my sister got sick with cancer. I was left with friends of family or on my own mostly, until she died. Then i was totally alone. My folks checked out emotionally, and were barely present with me. They forgot they still had a living child. I learned to be on my own and take care of my own needs by age 12. So I can see how this results in some messed up attachment patterns. Wanting relationships, sabotaging and looking for reasons to end it before it really begins as a way to protect myself. Also being very quick to end it when things seem hard, as my primary relationship as a child ended so abruptly. That's all I knew. So final. Never growing up learning to resolve conflict and keep living together. Anyway, your videos have really helped me be my own therapist and dig into these relational trauma responses. Keep doing it!!
Thank you for sharing your story. I know you mentioned you were not abused, but it sounds like you were. Whether it’s micro or not, trauma is trauma. Neglect is a form of abuse, from what I’ve read. And it sounds like you went through an awful lot. All of which were not in your control… I hope you get a chance to process those experiences and heal so you can move forward in peace. You deserve it. ❤
I have been studying attachment theory for the past year. I’m grateful to have found your content… I think it is the most illuminating, informative, insightful and useful to me of anything I’ve seen on the internet. Thank you!
I've been binging your videos for the last week at work. I've been oblivious to my fearful avoidant attachment style for my entire life, or at least I knew I was fearful of being close to anyone but just never asked why. I am now over 40 and still single with no children (i'm male) after gaining so much understanding from you in such a short space of time I am hopeful that I can grow through shadow work and the understanding of and overcoming my crippling toxic shame. Thank you so much x
Now I can realise why I change my friends and why i m behaving like that. I thought that i have a problem with trust. But I can truly understand that when something happens or it seems suspicious to me i run away. I have tried to work things out but I already feel overwhelmed with there behaviour. Thank you so much for your help.
Your videos have caused BREAKTHROUGH! I want to THANK YOU SO MUCH! You don’t understand how much this information has helped me, literally overnight. I have been struggling with this internal conflict, blaming myself, watching my relationships fail and overall in a really negative place. I couldn’t even put into words what I was experiencing because I didn’t understand it. But THIS describes me PERFECTLY! Incredible work, I am so grateful for this, I can’t wait to share this with my therapist so I can start doing the work I really need! ❤
This information is invaluable. In finally feel like I am getting a grasp on why I’m the way I am. I can remember being a child and reacting and acting completely different with my mother, grandparents and father. I think this is why I have a hard time feeling comfortable with others or in groups. I don’t feel like my genuine self.
I thank you so much for this. I wish I could hug you. I've been in love with the same man for 8 years now, and I have put the poor man through hell believing he may be right and I'm broken and crazy. He only says these things after I explode out of nowhere. (I have been sleeping in the living room for the last 3 nights cause he woke me up. I went off on him saying he doesn't care about me, which I know isn't true. Yet my emotions said I was right and needed to be alone.) This happens about every few months and he should get an award for loving me. Again thank you so much for this.
A lot of this rings true. I've recognized this push-pull dynamic in myself in the context of relationships, and I think I've inadvertently acquired a phobia of relationships because of it. I'm also terribly afraid of hurting people I care about with this pattern.
I feel the same way about being in relationship. It's so sad, but I feel like no one should have to go through the rollercoaster. I don't want to hurt anyone else.
I had relationship about 8-ish years ago and suddenly, I felt the urge to leave. I thought it was an godly impulse of some sort but I was mistaken. It was sudden and it hurt my ex and I used all types of excuses to leave until I finally was able to break it off. I pondered it for about a year why that happened. I pondered even at work until I had some sort of mental break. It was almost a regression. That was late 2018-early 2019. It was like a mental reset and everything seemed new for the first time. It was a very new feeling. I was searching long and hard for this since 2019 in my wellness journey. I had a lot of insights, gone to therapy, and finally hit your videos and got help with my sleep; and now finally, my issues with relationships. Even my therapist couldn’t help me in that regard when the bit of time I was with her. But this explains it very clear. In 2022, I had access to therapy after the Fearful Avoidant behavior happened again with this girl I liked and asked out. It doesn’t excuse the behavior but at I can understand it and finally change. Now this year, I can fully be healed and free of this insecure attachment style and learn how to have a decent relationship. Thank you for your video. 9:27
I’ve watched quite a few of your videos and for the first time I feel like someone understands what was going on inside me. But until this video I had trouble deciding which attachment style seemed to fit me best. Disorientated A-C is exactly what’s going on. Just today my team got bitched out by our boss. Angry people, especially men, are a huge trigger for me to disassociate and consistently have a fawn response. Afterwards I felt angry towards him for expressing himself that way, but couldn’t logically decided if that was justified. Then I’d switch back to my emotions and now I’m angry at myself for not doing the thing that caused him to lash out at us. Then my logical side kicks in and wait a min I shouldn’t be this hard on myself and also he doesn’t have a fair assessment of the situation. This back and forth roller coaster went on all day. It is so draining and frustrating not being able to process these emotions in a meaningful way. Thanks to another of your videos I had seen previously I did have an ah-ha momment pretty early on that I should talk to him about it when I’ve cooled down. But then I was sure if it was appropriate (or even a good idea) to say to your boss ‘hey your management style sucks sometimes’, or ‘hey when you get mad I’ll just agree to anything you say.’
God, you drop some real gold nuggets!!! more so through my teenage years, I could never predict how my mum would react. One mother's day, i got up early to make her breakfast, but when she came to eat, she was in the most vile mood, saying how unhealthy the food was & what a waste of time it all was. I could not fathom it & was incredibly hurt (I've never tried to do anything since on mother's day, and i know she's realised), so left the house & didn't come back til later on in the day. She tried to be nice once i came back, but i just ignored her. A few days later, I finally learned that she'd found out that one of her brothers had passed away (she wasn't close to him, though). I could have never done enough for her. But if i didn't, she'd still blow up. Thank you for your videos, i've learned so much!
I appreciate your acknowledgement in this video that there are other situations that can cause the FA attachment style other than abuse which so often gets spoken of. It’s my understanding that medical trauma can also contribute to this attachment style, and I believe that to be the case with myself, as I was born premature and spent the first three months of my life in hospital, and even stopped breathing on a number of occasions. It doesn’t get more life-threatening than that! I also had to have surgery when I was around one year old, several surgeries actually, so I’m sure that just added to it.
I came upon this video after 26 days of sobriety from drug addiction. Three weeks in and slowly im getting fragments of memories come back to me from childhood both beautiful and horrible and something funny happened today while i was at the gym, there was a girl who seemed to be interested in me as she kept staring at me but i could not bring myself to look her in her eyes despite wanting to because the thought of a relationship or rejection becoming a possibility paralyzed me and even disgusted me. I realize I was using drugs to numb the confusion, pain, and craziness of wanting a relationship but also feeling disgusted by them. Amidst all these feelings was an internal conflict that always tugged at me that i simply could not tolerate and i would choose the easy way out but now im getting better and on a road to recovery and hopefully being able to reteach myself how to form a secure attachment. Good luck to all of you as well.
As an only child growing up with just my mom who had an eating disorder and her own mental health struggles I never knew how she was going to react to my needs. I didn't have anyone else to look to for context or to go to for help so I didn't have a choice but to develop a hyperalertness. At first I was a more anxiously attached style. I was so thrilled that other people would love me that I would lose myself, but after being hurt a few times my walls have come back up. Now I'm realizing how a lot of these seeds were planted in my childhood.
Heidi thanks for explain it in really kind way. Yes we always blame on ourselves. And you make me realize it is not my fault. And i was great as a child. In fact now i understand why im my caretakers favourite now, thanks to my self protective mechanism.
Thank you for making videos on Fearful-Avoidant Attachment style. This gave me a lot of clarity and understanding of my attachment style and understand my own behavior. Yes, it has been extremely taxing to switch between these attachment styles all my life and I didn't even realize why I was doing it.
I'm guessing you already have this in the plans but just in case not some videos on attachment healing, especially with the fearful avoidant style would be really helpful 🙏🙏 your videos have helped me understand why I struggle so much with relationships and even close friendships, and I really want to change it but it's hard to know where to start. You saying that you've been able to improve with yours makes me really hopeful that one day I'll be able to have healthy friendships and relationships, and a video centered around things that have helped you would be amazing! Thank you for everything you do!
This helps me understand the differences in my experiences. I had almost been resolved to believing I was meant to be a loner. Now I understand more in depth the reasons for my wiring and this gives me much hope because before, it's like throwing darts at a target without any light. Now it's as if my entire past, and all my lost memories, threaten to be released. It's exciting to say the least. Thank you very much for your service.
Sounds so surreal to have a name for this reaction I have towards others. I grew up in a situation where my parent would be really affectionate one moment and then emotionally abusive the next. I loved them, but I didn’t trust them.
This explains so much. I used to think of myself as very emotional but then there would be times when I wouldn't be feeling much and I think to myself that I am not really emotional, but rather logical (for the lack of the better word). It's just that there were two strong parts weren't integrated. Such an insight!!! Although, my parents have totally different attachment styles, I was also hospitalized when I was 2.5 months and then again when I was 10 months old and they didn't allow parents to stay with the babies back then, they didn't allow babies to even see the parents because "they would get upset"??!! So, I wonder if those things can influence stuff because my Mom told me that she saw me crying, snotty, and not being allowed to go into the room and nobody else going into the room either. Another thing, I live across the street from a nursery/kindergarten and every morning babies, toddler and even older kids are left there crying.... Is there a rise of insecure attachment styles for young people since I guess most of them were left in the care of a stranger for 8 or more hours a day when they weren't even 1 year old. That has to mess up some children...
My parents divorced when I was 3. They did so amicably, were respectful towards one another, and never fought over me. I grew up splitting the time 50/50 between them. They were both good parents, but they were very different people and had very different rules and expectations for me. So every other two weeks, I had to adapt to an entirely different environment depending on which parent I was with. After watching this, I think this may help explain my FA
I’m late watching this and commenting, but couldn’t not say thank you. As someone that experienced abuse as a child and remembers the fear, I relate so much to this. I wish it were easier to work on this, I’ve been trying most of my adult life. I very much appreciate you empathetic approach and clear explanation. 🙏
I’m an addict just finished my 4th step about my parents that were wolves.. I needed to hear that it isn’t my fault how I react but was a natural response to protect myself!! Thank you.. I just discovered you at the perfect time and I share you with all my friends. Thank you
Thank you so much Heidi for all your work, your clarity ! I feel it is life changing for me. My inner child is so grateful for the last words of this video, for your validation. It seems she's going to let me help her/us. Thank you thank you ! 🔆💖
Excellent video. I'll watch it back again later, too. My childhood situation was multifaceted. Mum left our natural dad in traumatic circumstances just after I was born and 4 years later married a narcissist who I had no chance of ever getting approval or emotional safety from. Meanwhile, mum was in her own shame, in turmoil and vulnerable in her emotionally abusive relationship, which I was all to aware of, and thus have internalised as being inevitable in relationships. To survive all this, I completely subsumed/ abandoned my own identity, and a further result is, as you described, a deep desire for intimacy, but a total visceral rejection of the emotions of it, so I've never had anything remotely resembling an intimate relationship. I go from 0-100 at the first sign of potential intimacy and completely disregulate and activate the parasympathetic system. I've had just one relationship in 30 adult years, and that was functional and loveless. I never live any experience, but instead learn lessons from mistake after mistake. Still, I'm not the only one, and the lessons are that it makes sense, isn't my fault, and it's getting less intense. I'm going to watch more of your videos. Thanks and good luck!
This was a very powerful video for me. I am definitely Avoidant, and probably FA. And the description of how an FA's intellectual and emotional states are both intact, but operate separately, is dead on. I just had a situation yesterday where I, intellectually, knew how I was supposed to behave. I'd journaled about it only a few hours before and then when I was in conversation with my wife I felt a powerful rush emotions (love/fear/dejection/inadequacy and more) and I then said everything I knew I shouldn't say. It was a textbook screw-up! But now, thanks to this video, I can add the importance of integrating intellectual and emotions states to my list of things I need to work on, right up there with feeling my emotions. I also have a very relevant example of what it looks like when they're not. Hopefully we'll see more videos in the future of how, as an FA, we can integrate our intellectual and emotional states. Keep up the great work Heidi. You are helping people!
The confusion that results from never knowing how a caregiver will react to you seeking attention or comfort from them seems to me a likely suspect in the formation of the disorganized FA. I wasn't physically abused in any way, but as an adult I came across the idea of emotional incest and I immediately related. It's a subtle form of abuse and the effects are confusing and pervasive. Reading up on it has really helped me in understanding my emotional challenges and working on relationship problems that have persisted well into my 30s, and now adding to that understanding from your videos on fearful-avoidance, I think, will only give me more tools in healing early-childhood traumas that I spent most of my life oblivious to and that have shaped every relationship in my life. I want to add that I'm also on the spectrum, and current research hasn't come to a solid conclusion about what actually causes autism spectrum disorders - it has some heritability, but it's not genetic. I'm curious if you might know whether there's a correlation between FA and ASD? The combination of having an emotionally unstable caregiver while lacking the inherent ability to read others' emotions seems to me like it well could be at the root of disorganized attachment habits.
This is crazy accurate! I relate to every scenario you just presented as a possible reason as to how or why this attachment style came to be, which is both validating and terrifying.
Whoa, the unintegrated AC model makes a lot of sense and really puts things into perspective for me, far more than the traditional model. Thank you for sharing this information, Heidi! Could you give us some resources where we can learn more about the DMM categories?
I identify closest with this style, and I struggle to find the underlying triggers or moments that could lead to this response. I have theories but no hard evidence on any of it. Moving forward is the best way but I also don't want to put blame on either of my parents fully realizing how hard of a position they were in, simply being a parent in general!
Thank you for this clear explanation of fearfull avoident style, i am currently dating someone who i already left twice an came back to him sent him this video to explane my bad behaviour
Wow. I was listening to the part about integrated A-C strategy, and was already feeling like it described me better than any model I have ever heard about, then I reached the part about possible causes, and it made 100% perfect sense. I was anxiously attached to my mother, but had to be extremely avoidant with my father, who controlled everything and had zero tolerance for emotional displays.
I am 51 years old and have been through various therapy, but this time I have found someone who is helping me heal from my childhood trauma and I am currently discovering why I have such fear all of a sudden and how I don't feel safe or secure and have always felt I have had only myself to rely on and to somehow soothe and meet my own needs. As I have gotten older and know that at some point I may not be able to do these things for myself anymore, it has brought forth all the insecurities I have felt with growing old. I am in the process of working through these emotions, actually processing them and recognizing when I dysregulate and how this attachment has affected me in every aspect of my life. It has been a rollercoaster of emotion and I had come to a point where my body is now affected by all this culminating pain and dysfunction that it is literally draining my mental and physical well-being, but it feels good to understand what I never could before. Thank you for explaining in such a clarifying way.
I grew up with a chaotic mother and 8 older siblings. I always had to try to figure who I could go to or do things on my own even though being alone terrified me. My father went to jail for molesting us when I was 7. Noone would ever tell me why we were taken away and I couldn't talk to him anymore. My mom would say it was just an addiction without ever saying what IT was. She blamed my siblings for destroying the family. Even when we were back at home, even when he got out of jail nope. Closest she ever got was watching an episode of CSI Miami when I was 13. It came out the younger sister was the sister/daughter of the older sister. "He never did anything that bad." Only acknowledgment I ever got that that was what happened. Thank you for making these videos. It helps to finally have one that fits. Also explains why all but 1 of my relationships were long distance. 😂
I think the attachment style you are the hardest on is anxiously attached. My ex partner is anxiously attached and I agree with basically everything you said but it’s hard to imagine he would take that in and agree. Its quite the hit to the ego I think! It’s great to see someone on the internet who is aware/willing to say how anxiously attached people can cause harm instead of blaming the other person for not being understanding enough.
It's hard for me to try and see how my childhood might have caused my fearful avoidant attachment style. My father is extremely avoidant and never showed any vulnerability towards me. My mother is (maybe) anxious. When I try to go back in my early memories, i dont remember making eye contact with my parents. Sometimes I feel like my parents aren't really my parents, like theyve been a parent to a mask and not the kid behind the mask. I never felt the urge to tell any of my parents about any sort of distress in my life. In adulthood, ive realised that I find eye contact extremely distressing. Ive noticed that my whole life ive looked at peoples noses, never the eyes, and only now realised that most people actually look each other in the eyes xD I feel an insanely spiky jolt of extreme anxiety whenever I attempt to make eye contact. In my ex relationship with an anxiously attached girl, I never ever even thought of my own needs, in my head that idea didnt even exist. I had no concept of depending on some1 else for intimacy, even though I wanted it so bad. That made it even more confusing whenever she would demand emotional connection so bad, at all times. It became my job to soothe her everyday, and it felt unfair cause i never put anything on her, why is she doing that to me. My resentment grew, always unspoken, until one day the lid came off and I told her I didn't love her anymore. Ive hated myself for that moment so much, and I struggle to understand how my brain came to that point, but now i think know why. I will try to be kind to myself and remind myself that this wasn't my fault, I did not choose to process intimacy this way, and it was all unconcious. Thank you for making this video.
That sounds a lot like how my ex broke up with me and I also have anxious attachment. I want so badly to tell him how much I miss him everyday but I don’t want to scare him away again
@@lizzzarduh I´m sorry to hear that. Sadly I don´t know what to tell you... in my own experience, I don´t think there was a thing my ex could have done(or not done) to reel me back in. The shame I felt was too great. The only reason I yearn for her now is because she has a new partner, and it´s killing me inside. Been 3 years and I still think of her daily. This might be the case with your ex, who knows. Maybe it´ll take losing you forever for him to realize hes made a mistake. Ofcourse by then it´ll be too late. It´s weird but I feel kinda guilty hearing you say this. On behalf of other FA´s, I am sorry. We know not what we do.
I'm sorry you experienced that. One thought I had is that discomfort with eye contact could be part of your attachment style, or it could be an autistic trait. The way you described looking at people's noses and being surprised to learn that other people looked each other in the eye is how a lot of us in the autistic community describe it word for word. It's different for everyone, and some autistics have no issue with eye contact. Personally, I am fascinated by the reflections and colors in people's left eyes but feel unsettled when I look in their right eyes. And when I'm upset or trying to concentrate I can't look in their eyes because they're too distracting. I would recommend watching some content by autistic creators and seeing if anything is relatable or helpful to you. Some of my favorites are Neurodivergent Rebel, Yo Samdy Sam, Tiffany Hammond, Asiatu Lawoyin, and Joris Lechene. Wishing you the best!
I think I’m primarily anxious. But… when the pain of having a sudden change in communication with no explanation becomes too much, I used to get out a bazooka & burn a bridge with the person. I definitely have my breaking point where I bail and flip into avoidant behavior. I’ve gotten better at self-soothing, but I still really struggle with fear of rejection when I’m emotionally invested. I’m much better when I get into a relationship, but dating sucks. So much unpredictability! Any unexplained change in communication breaks my brain. Can’t sleep or work. Fucks me up big time! My mom had borderline personality disorder with narcissistic tendencies. Severely warped enmeshment issues with me. Told me as a young child that we were like one person in two bodies. 🤦🏻♀️ And my dad never did what he said he would do & I rarely saw him & he didn’t even want kids. A LOT of unpredictability. The question “does he love me?” popped in my head as a question that formed very young. I’ve been watching all of your attachment videos. They are amazing! You are amazing! Thank you for the important work you are doing, Heidi! P.S. I’m an ENFP. :)
You just explained my whole childhood my whole childhood. My mom was in the military when she had me I went to live with my grandmother who is very different person than my mother and then later in life she married my step dad and they both cheated on each other but my dad used to take it out on me I remember a couple of times him handing me my ass or other things would happen completely opposite than the beatings and calling me my mother's name and I used to get so mad at my mom for this like she had to know this was happening and it was her fault and if she would just stop doing what she was doing then this wouldn't happen to me. I could cry right now. I've never spoken that thought out allowed in my life my 42 years on this Earth I've never uttered those words out loud damn........
I wonder if it has something to do with hormones/pheromones too. *TW* My biological father tried to unalive my mother and I (still in the womb), and my grandmother said I never had the ability to regulate or attach even as a newborn. I resonate with all of the points you made and even though I've been in therapy for 25 years, I still freak out and self sabotage when someone gets close. It makes me want to 🤢 to even thinking of allowing someone access to my body or share a living space on a permanent basis. I see people as unpredictable and dangerous, and out of survival I must protect myself at all costs, including breaking up with someone I love to avoid the unpredictability of an argument that might resolve the situation otherwise. Anger management was never modeled to me. It was either silent (before the storm) in my house, or a literal physical and emotional tornado.
I cannot thank you enough for doing this video! 🙏. You have done many great ones, this one just resonated so deeply it hurts. Thank you for the incredible work you are doing to help so many of us that otherwise may never have figured any of this out.
Thank you for explaining the different styles that are developed as children. In a relationship can these different styles or the one used most often to protect one self. Alter a person's maturity in communication when in a romantic relationship ❤
Hey Heidi That one really touched me, i never tried to reflect on my past in that rational way, i also think of it as a protector from the pain it triggers in me when i think about it, but the pain is at the same time redeeming. Thank you for your lovely way, you really give me the feeling of not being wrong and personally give me the courage to stand by myself and to understand that I don't have to judge myself anymore for what and how I decided in the past or not. Thank you for your videos, they are always an enrichment for me and I'm sure many others out there too.
Oh this makes so much sense. I have this weird thing that now as an adult when I'm going to spend time with my parents (something nice, like a dinner), I often worry that they're going to either murder me or somehow annihilate me emotionally (like murder my will to live). As an adult this preoccupation has mystified me - also, it's exhausting -, because they most certainly haven't tried to murder me (a nice dinner has usually turned out to be a nice dinner, maybe in a dysfunctional family setting but it's not physically dangerous to me) but now I get it: it's just exactly the same feelings I felt towards them when I was a child. Thank you!
