On a second date with someone at a restaurant I said with a smile, "Excuse me a moment" and got up from my chair to go to the restroom. I'll never forget the reaction from my date. Written words cannot describe it. A look of sheer panic and distress came over him that was so palpable I stopped in my tracks. I got the sense that my date felt like they were about to be abandoned right there in the middle of our date. I reached out and touched them and said "I'm not leaving, I'm just going to the restroom." The panic then melted away from them and I went. That was my first sign there was something very wrong with them. My bag and jacket were still on my chair when I got up- where else was I going to go, but the restroom? As the relationship progressed they continued to have strange lack of connection in regards to affection while at the same time looking afraid at times when they felt they weren't going to get it. As if they would shut down emotionally. Later I learned from his ex that his mother was a horror and not responsive to children including her own. I had to break up with him because he just lacked a great deal of empathy and was not healthy to be in a relationship with, but I'll never forget that reaction of panic that came from him that night at the restaurant. It breaks my heart even still today.
@@TheNormal256 it's not their responsibility to fix him. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. I think they did great getting out of an unhealthy relationship
@@Thefishingcaddy No, dude, he should of never been in a relationship in the first place, he can't handle it. And it's not her job to fix his abandonment issues or stay with him forever just cuz he's afraid. It's his mother's fault, not her's.
My childhood emotional trauma messed me up. I've never had a close relationship with anyone. I get anxious and fear everyone is going to leave. I get clingy. Push people away. End up being by myself, when that's not what I want.
Cody Johnson i really hope you’ll become more trusting when you find someone you find trustworthy, i am the exact same way as you, but i’ve found one person i trust and it’s amazing, so i hope you find someone too to trust
My son needs therapy. We love him so much but he isn't vunerable to anyone besides me and his father. He is open to us on how he feels with other people that in his life. He has admitted he will break off a relationship before they hurt him instead. And Anger is somehow mixed with all of this. He's 25. People just love him. Hes caring and thoughtful and naturally funny. But he says he can "drop a relationship easy and not give a F***. It..its just very sad. I don't know how to help him.
I recently learned that my attachment style is "Fearful Avoidant" (Disorganized) and it shows up in my relationships, especially with men. I have a desire to get close but I choose unavailable partners because deep inside I'm afraid of getting close. If one does happen to try I do something that sabotages it and take us back to a safe place. I see it happen in other areas of my life too. Now that I'm aware I'm working on getting to the root and healing it. Thanks for the tips.
something I learned about attachment styles in my developmental psych class that I found really interesting is that even though children who are anxious avoidant don't show distress when their caregiver leaves, they actually still show somatic signs of stress like an increased heart rate and sweating!
that's crazy, my dad died when i was little and im a super anxious person -- ive also ALWAYS had a higher heart rate than most people. I thought it was so strange too because I've always been physically healthy and wasn't doing anything differently. that's so wild.
Kati Morton I still get it so it always seems obvious to me, but it’s nice to be able to quote studies for others. Making noise/touch demands provoked angry outbursts when I was a kid so I usually go quiet and avoid people when I have emotional needs or feel pain. For parents who neglect/abuse I suggest wiring a pulse monitor for kid to a Taser for adult. They’ll soon get the hang of it.
Learning to self soothe was something I learnt very young but as an adult I find it super hard. I think it’s trial and error on things that help. I think I identify with insecure avoidant the most. Letting people in is hard because people are unpredictable. Another good video Kati. Thank you ♥️♥️
Kati Morton Which one does Trauma Bonding fit into? Where there is inconsistent parenting, nice one time, abusive or rejecting the next? Seems like the trauma bond is more difficult to break than the love bond.
@@recoveringsoul755 Attachment styles can be different based on each person we interact with i.e. we can have an insecure ambivalent attachment with romantic partners, but insecure avoidant with friends or family. Trauma Bonding according to the person that coined the phrase is "a strong emotional attachment between an abused person and his or her abuser, formed as a result of the cycle of violence". This is a newly created term that come from the field of sexual addiction and would fit into the disorganized category. Trauma bonding believe it or not does have to do with love, or at least the pursuit of it. Having positive feelings toward someone that abuses you has nothing to do with the abuse. The abuse is ignored in favor of obtaining something the person being abused see's as more important and valuable than their safety, such as an emotional connection or attention that are intermittently sprinkled into the interactions in that relationship that is an external way of obtaining an internal need that the individual feels they are willing to suffer the abuse to obtain. The way to correct and heal this is to therapeutically process the trauma that caused this type of bond to become an acceptable means of meeting ones own needs in the first place, which is usually occurring within one's family of origin during childhood.
The securely attached person listens to the song "I'll be there" by the Jackson 5. The avoidant listens to "Miss Independent" by Kelly Clarkson. The ambivalent listens to "Hot and Cold" by Katy Perry. The disorganized attached person listens to "I can't get no satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, among others. Thx for the vid Kati!
Watching your videos explains so much to me about myself. I remember when I was in college (3 decades ago!). I learned about dysfunctional families. After class, I drove home crying all the way because 1) I learned that what I had gone through had a name and 2) that it wasn't normal.
I'd probably be the 4th one just because I don't fit the others. Growing up, I was terrified of strangers and pretty much stuck to my parents, my mum especially. However, she hated how I was sensitive and emotional so I was also very fearful of her and ever went to her when I was upset/ tried to hide it. So basically I was always scared or worried in some way. I guess that explains why I'm really anxious
Wolfferoni i think we have a similar situation, my parents always bring that i was really attached to them when i was little, but with time i felt less attached to them, because they were caring but at the same time they always told me not to cry and said mean things like: oh.. You're going to cry? Like it was stupid. Analyzing your situation in general is mostly to be the 4th one, because like you said it was confusing, and you don't know who you can trust, because even your parents were unpredictable, i hope you can get better with your anxiety (i have anxiety too) because related to your childhood is really difficult to deal with.
I never knew it had a name, but 'insecure ambivalent' is literally the thing that frustrates me the most about myself. Whenever I tried to explain it to others, ex my mother, she thought I was crazy. Getting what I want makes me so upset, then I get upset because I'm upset, then I question my privilege and get upset at how selfish I seem to be, and it's a downward spiral of self-hate.
What is wrong with you guys who keep telling why school don't teach this? There are alot of things which learn from learn yourself from experience of harsh life, from parents etc
Disorganized attachment is seen to be a huge factor within dissociative disorders. As someone recovered from depersonalisation disorder I have had to do a great deal of work within therapy looking at the causes of my disorganized attachment. A common issue is a parent that is processing trauma or mentally unwell in the first 3 months or a parent that is aggressive towards/ frightened of the child. I feel understanding your own narrative is so important to integration and self soothing. It's a scary process but it's incredible how it brings your sense of self into a complete and solid concept. Dp, BPD and DID all link to this original attachment breakdown and often it's the severity of the following trauma that determines the outcome.
so.. for example. my mom doesn't know who she is. she is too nice. too giving. and smothered us. cause she grew up with a narcissist mom, and distant weak dad. so... that anxiety.. that shes not even aware she has... could have messed me up...?
Finding a therapist is hard. Step 1: Look up therapists online. Step 2: Find one who seems like they work in the areas you need help in. Step 3: Realize they charge 150$/hr. Step 4: Close the web browser and do something to distract yourself.
My dad has always been quite distant, very afraid to show emotion, whereas my mum was the opposite, clingy, and over-affectionate to the point of being overbearing, yet as a kid I ALWAYS latched onto my dad, and as an adult adopted his 'distant, but definitely there, and I love you but I don't need to be in your face about it' style of family relationship. My mum's side of the family are all in each other's business, they all contact each other every single time a day without fail, maybe even multiple times, and wonder what happened if someone misses a day, whereas me and my dad are happy to see each other as little as every 4 months, but still love each other. You can imagine how confusing it is for my mum that I find her constant contact irritating and unnecessary and I did wonder why, when my mother was always my primary caregiver bar a couple of years of my life, I might have ended up with such a totally different communication style, but this makes some sense of that. I relate to the insecure avoidant type there. When I was growing up, between may 7 and 13 my mum was extremely neglectful and an alcoholic. She was definitely NOT there. Whereas even though my contact with my dad might be rare, he was always there and always very routine and consistent. So I'm guessing that neglect was the cause of that attatchment style? Or is that too late in life?
Kati I,m getting Attached to you ! What a breath of fresh air you are! You are so cute If I had a daughter I,d want her to be just like you! I am A Viet Nam Vet ! I have had Mental Issues. Just found a counselor at the VA. My wife of 24 years just passed away . I no I can,t do this alone!
I'm pregnant with my first child. And I think I have the insecure ambivalent attachment style... In my relationships I want people to comfort me but then I push them away and it's hella confusing for me and my partner. I want to work on getting better because I don't want to mess things up for my baby.
Kati, thank you very much for explaining this. My son was born at 24 weeks & spent 3 months in the NICU. His nurse, although lovely was very attached to him & at times I feel interrupted our bond as mother/child. She would insist on holding him even when I was there. It was confusing for me & very hurtful & there was absolutely no reason for it. I was a 31 year old mom who already had 1 child. Hes 9 years old now & we are close as can be but I really missed our time together those first few weeks.
its amazing how every time im struggling with something, you make a video about it :)) its wild. i feel like i fit under disorganized most, though i see some avoidant as well. thank you so much for all your helpful videos.
Thank you Kati! I am enjoying your videos between my regular therapy sessions. I am getting a lot out of the knowledge you bring up and have a story to share as many others may as well. mine is one of a Trama at a young age that I did not talk about to anyone for most of my life. Over 30 years went by and as an adult I can now see that a lot of my mental health crisis can be explained and did not just happen by genetic disposition. Hope you are well. Thanks again for the support.
I know this is a huge topic and you couldn't possibly condense it all into a short video. Thank you for putting it together! I'm interested in where the research takes us as far as Reactive Attachment Disorder and Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder.
For years I believed that NOBODY I liked enough to have a relationship with liked me back. I still feel like that tbh. I've had one relationship with an abusive man and that's it. I've tried a few times. If they're abusive I end it. IF they're not abusive, they end it with me! Now I understand it's something to do with my attachment style (and childhood emotional neglect)
I had a good caregiver when I was a baby but when I was a child she was not helpful or soothing. This has affected my relationships all my life. Luckily my grandma was very kind and loving. This has been my saving grace. You are right, we can heal. Your channel has helped me a lot and this video is really good. Thank you Kati.
Wow... Kati im sorry ive called you a mother to me several times recently. Im clingy cus i dont know how to soothe myself. I seperated myself from real family and have formed connections with others. my mental state seems to b solely dictated by how much love i recieve externally cus i cant love myself. So im needy and i end up bothering the very few people i love and push them away. I know what i need to work on now. So thank you Kati and im really sorry if i made you uncomfortable. You look beautiful as always
And this was impecable timing btw. Ive been trying to go on dates and met a single mother of 2. Shes very pretty and i would love to get to know her more. Then last night, i said something i shouldnt have to my lil sister and she got mad at me. Thoughts of suicide and cutting (Which ive never done so idk why those were there) wouldnt get out my head. I started telling myself i shouldnt try dating. I kno i have a big heart and wanna b a good husband and father, but i only cause pain when im in love. I cant do that to a single mother of 2. I dont wanna hurt them. I dont wanna hurt anybody so i concluded, the only thing that gives my life meaning, having a family, im forbidding myself to have. In ur vid u said its possible tho so maybe i’ll try holding hope alil longer. So really thank you very much Kati. I needed this badly
You never made me uncomfortable!! I am just glad that I can be a helpful and supportive resource when you need it :) Glad this video was one of those!! xox
Bruh she’s a full time therapist and she does all kinds of other stuff for the mental health community like making youtube videos. On top of that she has a social life of her own and a family and probly gets thousands of messages or comments all the time on videos or social media. She cant b expected to save everybody on the planet but the fact that she even responds at all is enough to show she really cares about us. So yeah I got 2 X’s and an O, and I’m very happy about that. I dont currently need her cus I’ve been spending all my time with my gf and maybe there will come a time when I can proudly say I’m done with being mentally fucked up but Katie has a little spot in my heart. She always will. I wish u happiness man🙏🏼
Arman Arashvand let this person feel good about themselves, damn. They found an outlit and a person to look up to, why ya gotta go shitting on that? Smh.
You mention tracking your feelings and describing them so we can better understand them and be able to express them in a healthy way. I have a question about this. How do you express wanting to be impulsive in a healthy way? I sometimes find myself getting angry or jealous or agitated and feeling a crave to do something in the spur of the moment but I always bottle those feelings so I don't do something irrational. Is this actually unhealthy? And if so, how on earth do you express irrational feelings in a healthy way?!
I'm very emotionally impulsive as well. Being aware of it is the first step. I often act on my feelings and cause "issues" in my relationships.. working on putting the energy elsewhere
FOLLOWING! I just spent nearly an hour googling different combinations of words, and nothing came up. All I can think of is to go away somewhere and scream, go for a run/sprint, or start beating up on a pillow.
Kat, I personally think it's great that you battle those irrational reactions. Not sure if you have a diagnosis or not but I know that I, being diagnosed with BPD, have being taught that being mindful is how to get through the "reacting". I find it so difficult to practice mindfulness when not needing it that when I'm feeling everything I then struggle to default to doing my mindfulness activities.
Can you do a video on family dynamics . Like the narcissistic family dynamic & how to leave a home that toxic and how to build credit and the financial things ? Make the big escape from home 🏡
I appreciate your channel so much, since I've hit several really low points with my mental health, I've been desperate for progress. But finding help has been so much harder than I ever expected (severe social anxiety made it feel impossible), it was very disheartening. I've tried for years to self help but nothing seemed to be clicking. Your videos have made a big difference in my hope & determination. I went so long being ashamed of simple things, like not feeling healthy after a successful "graduation" from needing therapy. You helped me see the irrelevance and cycle was keeping myself in. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and time, it's a beautiful thing your doing the way you are using RU-vid to try to help people. 💕
I've talked with my therapist about this in the past and I'm definitely insecure avoidant. Makes life fun for my partner now because I need ALL THE VALIDATION. I am working on it though!
Could BPD be a result of insecure ambivalent? 🤔 Hence, "fear of abandonment?" whenever I am having a breakdown, I want to be soothed by someone and when they come near me I feel kind of agitated and don't know how to express myself.
An incredibly insightful question I’ve wondered myself. My ex gf seemed to have maybe a mild form of BPD or just a mixture of many different personality disorders and insecure attachment styles.
lala I learned that BPD is essentially an extreme form of attachment trauma. The anger you have when someone attempts to soothe you may come from you having an inability to truly allow yourself to be loved/allow someone emotionally near you from a fear that this person/persons may just get up and leave one day. I think related to the inability to truly allow yourself to love because of possibly past experiences.
@@burritomaker69 wow makes sense. When it comes to remembering that trauma in the aspect of "being abandoned" its kinda a blur to me. I know for a fact that it was my mentally ill dad who would constantly verbally abuse us and not be there whenever we were sad or hurt. My mom was never abusive, but because of the way she was raised, she wasn't ever really expressive with her emotions (for ex. Never said I love you) and I feel like I really missed out on that kind of nurturing as a kid.
I went to a psychiatrist a few times and I wonder if I keep going when I can if I will eventually be diagnosed with Bpd or a similar condition because of all the distress my parents have caused in me. I already have ocd, anxiety, depression and ptsd and am highly sensitive :( I just want to know everything
I've never identified my attachment style, also my childhood memory is quite blur. Most of my story was told from my parent and grand parents. By the way, I recall my attitude toward my parent as stranger mostly. I remember the feeling of not belonging to this whole world, like Im kind of different creature. I always have problem with socialization. I normally feel awkward to present in any party, also avoid having conversation with my co-workers. So, I'd like to thank you for making this video. I hope my next appointment with psychi will be far more beneficial than usual. At least, I percieve what I supposed to focus and inform. Thank you for making this.❤
i'm on the 4th attachment style. i remember it being a topic during our basic psych classes in college but never thought about it much up until now when i've finally learned to introspect better and notice myself a bit more. however, i've never tried to talk it out to my parents let alone to a therapist. never with my parents because they've shut me down so many times in the past that the distress of what i feel is important or feel in general being deemed irrelevant is no longer worth the effort of connecting to them past shallow levels, and never to a therapist because of access and money issues. thankfully, your videos, kati, at least helps me learn about how to at least manage myself and my issues a tad better. thank you so much. you've been a huge help ever since i've found your channel.
This is an excellent video. I have heard of the attachment styles but I have not heard them described in a way that I really understood until I watched this. Thank you.
This video was amazing (clear, positive and on-time) exactly what I wanted to learn about.. When seeking help about difficult relationships, I'm most often asked what the other person is doing to me, but what I needed to know was how to be aware of how I'm contributing to this situation .(it's equally important in the long run)
This explains a lot. My dad was #2, and my mom was a mix of 3 and 4. I don't remember a huge part of my life, heck I barely remember last year, but I know I never felt like I could count on anyone beside myself for soothing. I loved and adored my mom, don't get me wrong, but she wasn't a very soothing parent growing up. She was a strong person, and taught my sister and I other things which I am very thankful for, but soothing just wasn't her strong point. I won't even go in about my dad. Negative across the board.
heywhat'supyouguys so I realized that I have a disorganized attachment style, and I can see exactly where it stems from. I'd like to go to a therapist because I also have other issues I'd like to resolve/find tools to cope but the same caregiver that probably gave me said attachment issues in the first place thinks therapy is only for the really mentally ill. I know this isn't true because I am a sane human, but videos like this one really help me to, well I don't wanna say become my own therapist, but like identify some issues or problems that I may have and choose some ways to cope/work through these issues. So, thank you Kati Morton, you've helped me through literally my whole life. I don't know where I'd be without these videos tbh.
I feel like I mostly fall under the disorganized type but that last bit you brought up about not letting anybody in at all really hit home as to my current situation. Haven't been able to have a close relationship in years and I'm realizing how lonely that is. But I used to be too attached then too distant. Last time I had a traumatic falling out with someone made me flip a switch and go completely avoidant. Just swapped one vice for another
Thank you so much! I've really been trying to get this topic simplified in my own head so that I can start acknowledging it and working on it in my personal life and with my therapist and you broke it down so clearly :)
I would relate to disorganized attachment disorder. Even to this day my mom does this on and off "support" rodeo. I've been working on myself for the past 5-6 years when this and a lot of other stuff that almost destroyed me in the beginning. I'm proud of how far I've come, am glad I'm still going and will keep trying. Life is hard but it's easier when people like you help keep us informed. Thank you.
Same number four sometimes it was safe for me to seek comfort with my parents other times they wouldn't allow me to seek comfort instead be annoyed at me angry or what I perceived or have clued together dealing with their own emotions il equiped I think to see what I needed. I've worked hard to figure out how I am wired but the clinical psychologists I've seen haven't been very clear unless doing cognitive therapy. Finding a good therapist takes me years.
Kati Morton, I'm beggining to think that you are the only wise psychologist in the world. Haven't really found one that actually helps me; I thought I had but I was disappointed when I realized that she didn't really had a plan to help me out.
The list of symptoms almost made me feel guilty until I made myself remember the loving home and family my daughter was/is raised in. My husband and I have been together her whole life and love each other deeply. Her older twin brothers loved her from the start. She has lived in the same home since she was 9 months and I nursed her til she was a year old. She was never in need of anything but alas, she has always been a miserable child: she always preferred to play alone then got sad coz no one played with her; she is ODD (opositional) to an extreme; pushes loved ones away. I have had her in therapy for years because these "disorders" cycle through then she gets "help"and she is happy again. Like I said almost felt guilty. Be careful when diagnosing, it may not be the case
I was born under general anesthesia and my mother wasn't able to touch me for the first 8 hours of my life, until I woke up. I feel like this may have negatively impacted my attachment style. However I have negative nature and nurture as well, so a lot of factors are at play. I'm sure you can imagine the emotional illnesses I deal with. I'm working with a counselor but your videos have been a huge help, supplementaly. Thank you for doing what you do ❤
i've been avoiding to be with anyone since my graduation day, about a year ago. i avoid to be with my uncles and aunts, avoid to sleep over at their places although my grandma wants me to. To be with others somehow uncomfortable to me and makes me mentally exhausted :( so i prefer to be alone all the time
somniavitasunt most of the times bc i think they dont understand me, like, the way we see things through a perfectly different ways and i feel like an outcast and i cant trust them enough to share anything. i really dont mind to be alone, i live alone and far away from my parents too since im working now.
If that's something you actually prefer.. it could be avoidant personality disorder.. I have a video on it: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-HQY6HgES9m0.html
I live in my own world pretty much. Many of my family members are narcissistic, have some form of an addiction or are destructive in some way. One of my family members is the equivalent of a mobster. I won't say whether that person is my mom or my dad but I often feel like I'm a gangster's daughter. For me, watching The Godfather movies is practically therapy. I relate to the character Tony, the most. He leaves school because he wants to be a singer and his dad doesn't approve because he wants nothing to do with the mobster lifestyle. A direct quote he makes in part 3 "I will always be your son but I will never have anything to due with your business". I don't know all the corrupt, illegal and clandestine activities some of my family members are a part of and I never want to find out. I know of some but not all. The more I find out the more it isolated I feel. I even got myself sterilized since I have ASD and refuse to ever go off of my medication if I were to ever become pregnant. I put my own mental health first. I have very few friends and I avoid romantic relationships so I'll never be able to give my family members extensions of myself only for them to be manipulated and then used against me. I don't have it in my heart to put another innocent human being through that even if it were to result in softening my isolation. I think that that's selfish. It would break my heart if that ever happened so I just choose to avoid close connections of any kind. If I avoid them in the first place then there's no one for my family members to be able to eventually manipulate. Plus anyone close to me would eventually leave because at some point they'd get tired of my constant venting about it and I don't blame them. So I write hard edged alternative metal songs as a way of getting the steam out. All the trauma I've been fed by family members I've spat back out into something dark, beautiful and constructive all at the same time. I always write songs only in third person and always use pronouns. I never mention names in my lyrics or titles. If I ever write a song that is upsetting to anyone it breaks my heart so I then tear up my own creation so then I'll be unable to remember it and I'll never be able to write a future song that's exactly the same. What's happened to me never caused me to go the destructive route. Instead it caused me to go in the reverse direction. I'm a God fearing person. I'm not a believer in things like suicide, self harm or any other form of destruction. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. My creativity is the most precious thing in the world to me and I won't allow any unhealthy substance to screw it up. My creativity is the air I breathe and my way of coping. Without it I'd be lost. It comes before any and every social connection. It's as precious to me as if it were a human child if not even more so. I don't just write music and sing. I write poetry and I do pretty much any type of physical art as well. I've experimented with almost every type of art medium. I'm unable to tolerate pain of any form so that alone prevents me from ever becoming suicidal. I could never put another human being in harm's way. I don't care who the person is or what they've done to me. I refuse to do anything that could get me in legal trouble including self defense. That way the person harming me would go to hell and would have nothing to use right back against me. It's not worth it. I have a beef with anyone who has any form of unhealthy, destructive or self destructive habit or addiction. Instead of becoming suicidal I often will spend hours on end talking complete strangers out of suicide. Like I said, everyone is a human being. I have morals and I'm proud to say so. Some say I'm picky. Truth is, I choose my connections (the very few that I have that I can count on less than one hand) wisely. I really have to get to know the person before I trust him or her. I don't hand out my trust or love like it's candy. I'm very guarded and cautious. I have to be. If I'm eventually able to trust someone to the point they are worthy of my attention and receive it on a regular basis then that person has a rare intellectual connection with me in a way that is pretty darn special. In the past my being curious has only resulted in heartbreak every single time. So I'm no longer curious. I have a huge amount of self control and restraint. I take my meds exactly as prescribed every day and I never skip a dose. Never. I don't ever plan to wind up unstable or worse, go into withdrawal. Even though I hate the side effects I take my meds regardless. The good outweighs the bad. I'm very picky about which meds I will take. I'm not noncompliant but if a medication commonly used for a certain symptom in most people has certain side effects that I'm unable to tolerate I'll ask for an alternative medication which works differently and lacks those side effects as a result. I refuse to replace one problem with another. I value my stability. I'm an extremely empathetic and compassionate person. I refuse to ever wind up narcissistic or with an addiction like many (but not all) of my family members. I made a promise to myself and to God a long time ago that that will never be me and I've kept that promise and I always will. I'll never allow anything to lead me astray that could jeopardize that. I won't take anything that could inhibit my creativity. So with lots of negotiation my doctor and I always find a way to work around that. I value my ability to function which also means avoiding anything and everything that could result in my creativity drying up. I often feel lost because most people respond to trauma by feeding into and giving into the negativity resulting in some form of destruction. I'm the complete opposite. I just preserve myself in any way possible and often go through crippling anxiety in order to do so. My anxiety doesn't go in the destruction direction. It goes in the preservation direction. There's pretty much no therapist who understands that no matter how hard they try and there's pretty much no treatment for it. Since pretty much all trauma treatment is focused on people finding alternative coping skills to destructive ones there's very little if any understanding of someone who has never gone the destructive route in the first place. I'm terrified of destruction of any kind. I have the only good phobia that there is. I have a phobia of destruction, destructive people and anything that could later result in destruction. I just see no point in destruction. It's not worth it and always ends in disaster in one way or another. I value honesty to extremes. The only thing I ever defend myself with is the truth. It can be both very painful and never cause any physical harm at the same time. Truth is the best defense that there is and it's the only one I'll ever need. Truth is my only true bodyguard in life since it's more powerful than any other bodyguard that there is and it will always be there for me no matter what.
I get super attached to people really fast, and I always kind of need attention and do things to draw it on me, but as soon as I get it, I feel extremely uncomfortable. Depending on the situation between anxious, mad, overwhelmed and generally lots of regret.
Thank you Kati for this video it has help me understand my attachment better. Thank you for giving me some tools to use and to think about. You are totally awesome!
Dear Kati, I have to thank you so much for all this information deliver it in a very easy way to understand, it's helping me a lot with my studies, sending you good vibes, from Vancouver, BC
I have adopted 3 kiddos who all have came from a home with severe neglect. So trying to get them to have better attachment styles has been really hard. The hardest has been my now 4 year old who came to us when he was 2. Try for him to understand that we are there for him has been very difficult cause he’s very independent.
Your video's are really great, you know what you are talking about and explain things in such a light but informative way that is excellent. It's hard to find good therapists or mental health professionals who really get it, but you do get it :) and If I lived in the US I would 100% have you as my therapist!!!
Thank you so much for this informative video. This is unrelated but I wanted to say I recently found your channel and it has helped me a lot with trying to understand my eating disorder, why I restrict as a punitive measure and how it is okay to make mistakes ( I relapsed with my purging a few weeks ago). I'm so grateful for your knowledge and kindness.
Such an interesting video, Kati! I just learned about the attachment types in my psychology class a few weeks ago, in our chapter on human development. I love being able to watch your videos to learn more about the topics we cover in class.☺️
I hate I just guess my problems from all the psychological materials I can get. We tend to label us to this or that. I started to read psychological books when I was senior 1, and had started to approach to psychology before that.… now I have the thoughts of looking for help from therapist again, but haven't taken any real action. Thank you, Kati. I like you.
Hi Kati! I was wondering if you could talk more about schizoaffective disorder? It is something I struggle with and it is a very debilitating disease. There is such a stigma with psychotic disorders and I really want to break it. Having someone like you talk about it would be so encouraging and I love that you make me feel not so alone. Thanks so much for all you do!
I think a good topic to discuss would be how people respond differently to stimuli and why. I seem to have a lot of sensitivities concerning stimuli and takes a gigantic toll on my mental health. It seems like every sensory input is grating against my brain all day, every day. Depression is extremely difficult not to fall into, and anxiety goes haywire during major events where either the sounds are too loud, the lights are too bright, the smells are overpowering, I can feel my heartbeat constantly, there's a constant need to shudder and reset what my brain is processing, and my skin won't stop bugging me to pay attention to it and just scratch and rub everywhere
Sure, but it might take a helluva longer time than therapy. Sort of like if you want to learn a language on your own. But acknowledging it is a step in the right direction - unless it's not really trauma, hehe.
Not safely. While we can do some of the work, I really don't think we will be able to push ourselves when we need to, or know when we need to stop for a bit. Journaling is a great way to safely start.. while we look for a therapist we can trust :) xoxo
Not sure which one fits me best, but I definitely valued strangers' attention just as much as my parents when I was young. My parents were definitely very invalidating, especially my dad.
Hi! I just started to watch your videos and I just wanted to say that what you're doing is awesome, spreading knowledge about mental health and making more information available to the public --so many people are affected by these issues and yet there's still such a lack of transparency in the DSM and a stigma around anything linked to mental health. :/ I'd also really appreciate it if you could make a video about the difference between suicidal OCD obsessions (like when you have harm OCD and fear hurting others, except its yourself) and actual suicidal urges. I've had OCD since I was 13, went through a traumatic family event a few months ago, and I think the full stress of the situation is hitting me now; I can't seem to distract my mind from the fears so it'd be wonderful if you could make a video that clears things up. And thank you for everything you're doing :)
lol, halt is just perfect. I dont know if you said this in your video but halt is german meaning stop so (at least for me) its really easy to memorise. also, hungry, angry, lonly tired sounds yust great ^^ (not like great feelings but great for keeping someone away)
Definitely #2 for me. Insecure-Avoidant. Even at 4, I hid my broken arm from my broken arm from my mother. I knew even then that I would get little help there. She did take me to the hospital, but even though the setting process all I could was stare at her wondering when I would get punished.
Thank you so much Katie. I have been struggling with what is blocking me in my head from people and making me become a hermit as my psychologist says. I had a few breakthroughs and wrote down three pages of info and internal dialogue for my care team to see along with some questions to ask. I had a VERY neglectful mother who was histrionic and all my attention a had to be on her or I was a bad person. I have become co dependant from this. Codependency is much different then I though as in it is always worrying about everyone but you. I though codependancy was more about being in a relationship with an abusive or borderline abusive partner. I worry and boss people around all the time because by the age of about three I had to sooth my mothers panic attacks, get her meds, I got screamed at constantly at how I never did anything write or worthy enough for her and she only seemed to show me what I thought was real love when I did things for her or said the right things, which stopped happening at adolescence and I moved out at 16. I have cut her out of my life and haven't spoken to her in years. I only miss the idea of a mother, but never my actual mother. Many people think I am a bad person because of this, which is hard because those that witnessed my abuse 100% understand, but I am chronically judged for being disrespectful to "the woman that brought me life". Any thoughts on how to deal with those people. I will also be asking my care team, but I would like your take. Thanks Katie and have a wonderful day!
i used to be the 4th one, but lately my single mother has been taking the time to understand me and we have quite a better relationship now. although before that it was really hard to deal things with my own. i think we both worked ourselves out and learned a lot of things.
I have moments of avoidant, ambivalent, secure and disorganized styles of attachments when I was growing up with my parents, especially my mother. Yet I feel secure with my friends and family and I can go to them just to speak about how I an feeling as a 25 year old. Its work but it can be done!
i think i’m insecure avoidant. i reallllly struggle with relationships; i trust nobody, so i avoid all kinds of connection. it’s probably my most challenging struggle of all because clearly, having watched your video, it comes from attachment as a baby. this is such an important video, & i’m so grateful that you’ve covered it. do you have any videos on the individual attachment styles? i think it would be amazing if you were able to explore each one further. thank you ever so much for all that you do, & for the hope at the end. much of the time i fear i’ll never find ‘normality’ in relation to relationships, but hopefully one day i will. lots of love kati ❤️
