Thanks for watching everyone. Please see my next video on Do Abusers Change? ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-qrsXf-onyV8.html Has your abuser changed? Listen to my 5 signs that may show that an abuser has really changed.
Abusers don’t want to be alone in their misery so they want to bring you down to their level. I was raised in such home but I educated myself and learned to be a decent human being.
I was a social worker in child protective services for 11 years. Abuse is very complex. It takes psychological therapeutic intervention to help most children and adults avert long term damage from this trauma.
I still think @jennaletizia5430 is right. Of course, abusers can have traumatic backstories themselves. But everyone has a choice to act morally or not. Otherwise, why would we hold anyone accountable ever?
Antagonize the rational person until they snap and then the abusive person plays victim. They use no logic therefore breaking your mind making you a mess which doesn't help your case. 💔
@@FXIRYBXTCH - Yup; fortunately I kicked him out PDQ. Years later have heard his wife is a rage-aholic & he is the victim. Wonder how long it took for her to SNAP.
Abusers, especially narcissistic abusers, chose their victims to dump all their shame and blame they for themselves. This will take a tremendous toll on their victim's health. The victim needs to get out as soon as possible.
lmao what kind of blatant lies are those 🤣 you cannot act like you know anyone's shoes... lol keep making lies like those but the truth will not change there's another lie below my comment, but the truth is that everyone feels pain differently and there's something that distorted their decision making.
@@laurenbatson5918 Some choices are conscious. Some decisions are driven by the sub-conscious. It is not okay what said people are doing. For them to change though they will have to question their beliefs. And if their defense mechanisms are strong that will prove challenging to get through. Just my thoughts.
My husband is an abuser and he suffered abuse as a child! This is so sad. I tried everything I could to help him get therapy and still feel like I failed my family. He appeared cool calm and collected to everyone else. Behind closed doors and while I was at work he was someone entirely different. I now have a protection order and I give up on trying to fix his mental health. I chose him for so long but now, I choose my kids. Please leave and if it’s meant to be they will get help and return with real proof they’ve changed or they won’t and you did everything within your power to assist the one you love. I once heard this from a victim. “Trauma bond is like a high because when it’s good it’s so good because you have had nothing but the bad, like when you starve and finally get one morsel in you intestines… that’s why it’s difficult to leave”
1. Due to growing in a petty environment where abusers had experienced or seen abuse happening nearby, Abusers think that this is the way to be powerful, moreover one who can control (esp financially) is normally powerful. They have least self worth within and so they try to gain through external abuse to the victim. 2. Due to facing emotional neglect from childhood, they feel so lonely and desperate. They fear to be abandoned. Therefore they overcontrol possible in every way or the other like accessories to dress length to meeting with closest parents and friends and farthest guests or strangers. 3. They feel guilt at some point of time(maybe when their head is little cool), so they become overemotional, apologizing, promising, giving presents like flower- it's because they feel same insecurity and rejection as they felt in childhood. So they try to impress the victim so that victim doesn't leave them. But again when they can't tolerate their head, they act like a demon again, forgetting all promises. And the best fact that all this is happening in their subconscious mind, where they act so automatically . Therefore,it takes a very long time to change.
Very accurate for my ex fiance .. We are together still and not talking to each other unless needed to, but we were engaged and after that it just went worse than what it already was.. Im miserable
@@Janicesaheed Sam Vaknin - he's your man. Dr Ramani too. Both parents, extended family on both sides and my sibling are all extremely narcissistic. It took yrs of ''study'' to wk out what the hell had happened to me - and still is.
Very interesting! I have often wondered how someone could abuse a woman, child, or even a pet. My grandfather was an abusive man. I wish I would have known his story but honestly I just stayed the hell away from him.
The real problem is, they think that you at hurting them by not giving them everything that they want. They see themselves as the victim, as “reacting” and they think you have the power to make them Happy or hurt.
"Only by pride cometh contention." I think abuser feel life owes them more then what they have and they rage against God not just their fellow man. But some humility brings wisdom.
After years of asking, this is the first time I've had an explanation of my mother's psychotic behaviour and abuse towards me. Such a sense of relief from a new understanding. Thanks for posting.
2 года назад
im so glad. thanks for stopping by and leaving your comment.
Thanks for explaining it so well. I got rid of the abusers that where in my life only recently. And I have extremely strong boundaries now, people criticise ghosting however I do it with harmful people, I find it to be a very good way of sending a strong message to abusers and I have no guilt trip with using it.
I feel like some people abuse out of fear. something small can trigger the mind and the lover is now the "enemy" who may abandon them. They hit because they are afraid of being emotional and physically abandoned. The now enemy has hurt them deeply so they must fight back with hitting or yelling, threatening. I think learning about what we are really afraid of can help us communicate it clearly and in a vulnerable way. This releases the fear a bit when we can communicate what scares us to the person who had intentionally/unintentionally caused the trigger.
I have been through exactly what you are saying from my spouse and his family, who I no longer live with or have any kind of relationship with. I put a Full Stop to it all.
The real confusing bit comes when you realize that people who abuse feel like they're being abused, and that's why they lash out. So.. do you feel like you're being abused? Do you say things or do things you shouldn't because you feel like you're being manipulated, gaslit, or mistreated? "The bully is the victim, they say. By some sense, they're all the same." We should all set boundaries and remove ourselves from abuse, but that includes our own.
I was physically abusive to my separated wife, thank you very much for this video, I can confirm to the viewers of this video that everything you said is correct.
Agreed Tempra. As someone who was a victim of child abuse I don’t think the abuser has any room to demand to be understood. All they have to do is recollect down memory lane and revisit what THEY did to their victims and how they shattered other people’s lives.
Some one who just went through domestic violence and fortunately was able to escape, im having a hard time understanding why a adult human being would do this to another person. Is it that they have no empathy? Because I can’t imagine putting some one through what I went through with my ex
I haven’t been married yet, especially divorced, but thinking from your shoes if I saw this video, I would just hate and abuse again everyone around me who is not interested in those I’ve suffered consequences from because of how I treated them to make more reasons to hate myself out of pleasure all because I can’t escape the consequences monster consequences become reality once an abuser, always an abuser I’m so grateful to still not go through the consequences you were going through and not to be like you. although one day I might be, I already have shown some traits of an abuser and a narcissist. It must suck for you to still exist, knowing that you have to start all over and that you will never meet and develop a beautiful wife like the one you had before. probably a shitty one or just no wife at all. I really pity you although I know nothing about you. I will admit that but from your comment, I assume since you physically abused your ex-wife, you probably don’t have a lot of women in your life I love you even your family or mother. I really hope I don’t end up like you but it’s so easy to because I have a lot of my own demons and I’m messed up enough that something could go wrong.
Thank you for the explanation. I cut off three abusers in my life (mom and two friends) and everything you said tracks. While it does not excuse the things they’ve done, it does give me an explanation for why and that in turn, gives me peace.
None of this is any excuse they are adults I've suffered all life 40 years of all the abouse that cen happen I've had it I'm affected mentally but I'm a good careing understanding person all that but I'm still a good person who cen trust as well
Exactly! People chose to be what they want to be. If an abuser has a bad pattern in their lives and is faced with it by people keep telling him or showing him that they got hurt by his action or don’t want to continue relationship then the abuser need to educate themselves and work hard to be a good person.
no one said it is an excuse but it is an undeniable explanation and also only dumb people will act like they know other's shoes. sure we should distance ourselves from toxic behaviour but also know why they are like that if we actually want to bring these issues to an end. "people choose to be what they want to be" lol i can't even think of any lie more blatant than that... keep lying, but truth will not change
Let me tell you about myself. As a teen, i was a completely different person. I used the person i loved for my oen joy and pleasure, manipulating, gaslighting, and guiltripping them. I did love them of course, but i had gone used to the power and getting what i want it didnt stop till they left. I live with the guilt that i caused a lot of shit and used someone that way. While i have changed and bettered as a person, that part of me i cant and possibly would never forget. Im trusted now by new friends both online and irl because i chose to change and better myself. They know what i was, but what matters is who i am now. I also help out as a mentor in a mental/ reaching out support group as I made a promise to the only person who supported me at one point that id use the negativity of my past gasligjting, guilt tripping and abuse to help others in situations like that i put my ex through. While not everyone in a way would accept me, all i can do is show and help others to prove to myself as well as others that i changed and improved. Whether they want to see or realize it, its on them.
The ex-husband who is leaving me the traffic laws the alert and use voice commands from him recently that his next wife won’t come from an abusive background. Wow thank you.
What if the abuser has a positive relationship with their family or even lives with them while they're abusing their other half? What could be the reasoning behind their behaviour?
it may seem as if they have a positive relationship with their family but you really never know. My ex bf was abusive and it always seemed as if him and his parents had the best relationship but i realized something had happened between his parents. I could tell by the way him and his siblings were. Their were signs everywhere that something had or has been happening. I believe he has a good relationship with his parents but the relationship between his parents seems to be off. I think it is what he grew up seeing rather than his relationship with his family. Many factors contribute to creating an abuser, not only relationship with families. for example trauma, something that occured in their life that made them create certain feelings of insecurity or out of control. Abusers usually abuse to feel in control, in power, because they have no control of/power over their life.
When the abused becomes the abuser. I end up just like my father but I can’t fix it because he still emotionally abusing me to this day. 20 years later and he still won’t admit he abused me. How do I ever heal or be happy or form any healthy relationship with him still abusing me and crossing my boundaries everyday.
I think that is part of it, but I think you are leaving out the role of men being trained to feel a sense of entitlement in how they treat women. I think that is at play in a lot of examples of abuse.
I’m an abuser and the only way to equilibrate the things is dying…but it is not easy, it takes courage. I hope god takes me, living miserable atm as i deserve.
How do you change this behavior? I am an abuser and I’m tired of it, tired of the pain tired of this life. I say I’m gonna change then i get triggered and sucked back into the cycle. I see the pain I’ve caused I’m aware and I’m now in therapy to try and change. Not all abusers like to abuse. It’s something i wish I could see to fight it but it’s wired in deep deep into my subconscious mind it’s hard to beat.
Look at it as breaking an addiction. And study hard!! Use all your time reading and understanding your own behavior and psychology. Do inner work, work on your shame, guilt and so on.. Never stop trying. The change you need takes years, even decades. I'm sorry. I was an addict, a victim and a abuser. I have worked hard for now 10 years on understanding and improving myself. It's helping, slowly. Remember "slow and steady wins the race"
You can. Change isnt impossible. I know that for a fact because i was as horrible. It takes time and dedication but in the end its worth it. I believe in you.
If I may, I'd like to suggest that you make a playlist on this topic...going into the various aspects. I also have a youtube channel and it has worked really well for me to see the video that was getting the most views and then to build 'bingeable' playlist that allows people to get more information on the topic and where the videos lead into the next and interweave. I have a youtube tutorial on my channel if you're interested. Your content is great!
I just think because it's who they really are but I do wonder why because they should know it's wrong but think it's ok to abouse people I'm confused why do they abouse is there more than just who they really are their natrul nature ?
3 года назад
Often it is unconscious. We all develop patterns of behaviour according to how we grew up and our experiences and we act in ways we dont consciously control or realise. This is the same with abusers when they harm others...they have developed a pathology/dysfunction that they dont realise consciously they have.
I love your name, btw (I adore Lord Chaitanya - what a beautiful person to have been named after). I'm wondering if you have any insight into why people are *so* unwilling to talk about domestic abuse. There are a lot of messages in our culture that encourage us to speak about it but I live in a very abusive situation that I just *cannot* get out of & I find that talking about it is like people repellant. It makes me feel so sad, alone and ashamed. Thankyou.
I have a problem with psychologists quoting "studies show" in order to explain things. Don't get me wrong, it's good that we have these studies. However in my experience, people who are caught doing something wrong are almost always pressed for an explanation. Especially people going through the criminal justice system. Being thus pressed to explain, most if not all fall back on the good old reliable "I was abused as a child" explanation. They think this will buy them sympathy or less time locked up from a sympathetic judge. In other words, under such circumstances, people feel the need to do or say almost anything to forestall punishment. Therefore, the results of such "studies" are all too often flawed. Lastly, we need to stop believing that being nice to bad people (and yes, there are bad people in the world) will make such bad people nice. I don't believe any amount of therapy on earth could have changed people like Hitler or Genghis Khan. Or Jeffrey Dahmer.
I see your point, however, stigma and personal opinions don't hold much water in the field of psychology. Many times the abuser does not even reference the abuse until it is brought to their attention. The cycle of abuse, is clearly seen in many cases. Just remember, to those actually trying to change, just one little negative word, can be enough to make them lose hope.
Agreed Lew. The thing is that there’s a lot of money to be made in the mental health and pharmaceutical industries. Hence the contrived narratives that pacify the abusers behaviors and blaming the victims who are “judging” & “misunderstanding” the predators. Accountability & warranted shaming would hinder the opportunity to make profits via therapeutic treatments and medications being prescribed. In layman’s terms it’s all a hustle and there’s no vested interest in getting to the roots of the problem. To solve the problems and advocate for the real victims would mean to stagnate the profits. As far as I’m concerned, I can care less what a persons trauma and experiences were. As bad as they may be, they have no right to victimize others. I’m a victim of child abuse and I’m not out here victimizing and abusing other people. The reason why is because I know what it feels like to get treated that way and would never ever want anyone else to experience that. It’s a choice at the end of the day. I actually care about other people and not just myself. Again, there’s a vested interest in this stuff. It’s like the old saying goes, never let a tragedy go to waste. That’s the motto of many shysters in the mental health/medical & pharmaceutical industries. Any time money’s involved better believe that integrity & truth is going to be compromised.
@@watitduful I understand your point also. From where you stand, it all may seem like a big hoax. I commend you on your ability to break the cycle, and be better than your circumstance. However, you cannot generalize and judge everyone according to your standard. There are nearly 8 billion people in this world, and every single one of those 8 billion people are different. I hear you saying psychologists and big pharma may have an agenda to push, that may be true. However society also has an agenda, and in my opinion it goes something like this "they (insert offense) they don't deserve a chance, they are just a monster." It's easy to deem a person as an abuser, and remove all humanity and write them off and throw them away. it's harder to see them as a broken human being that does need help and provide them the support they need, so they can be healthy and a functional part of society. It's not easy, but they are not all monsters, they are humans.
@@nowthisis2stupid Thanks for your reply. Here's the thing, we're not talking about people making "mistakes" as much as it is people who are, by definition, monsters. I care more about the safety, rights, and security of others than I do those who like to infringe and violate that of others. This is what monsters do hence being abusers. Abusers hurt other people and get a kick out of it. For example, if a grown adult likes to go around raping people yet was a victim of it isn't an excuse as far as I'm concerned. I'd say get the help that's needed but they need to understand why they're stigmatized and fed with a long spoon. The stigmatization should be there as shame should be felt for those monstrous acts. If keeping other's safe from these type of people is judgmental then so be it. Better a safe child than an enabled monster. A reason to something doesn't legitimize it to be used as an excuse. People are tired of the nonsense & the enabling of these kind of people. I'm sorry if you aren't able to understand that aspect. Not everything is a social science study. While some of these people were victims themselves they still don't have the right to hurt others. If anything, they should segregate themselves from others as they're, innately speaking, a threat to other people. Anybody who exhibits those type of traits/behaviors is a monster. If they weren't one they wouldn't be doing that kind of stuff.
Therapy did NOT change my NEX - he simply became a more educated abuser working in the criminal justice system as a FORENSIC PSYCHOLOGIST! 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
In my case he doesn't beat me but he treats me as if I were less than yells lectures almost like a dad he's 22 yrs older than me he feels entitled to my body.we live in a room for rent with he's daughter who's 3 yrs older than me,not what I imagined a relationship to be he's very restrictive with activities and doesn't seem to like seeing me enjoying life on purpose Im planning my escape and he cant know when I'm leaving I'm so scared and anxious.
I had a perfect childhood and was loved by my parents but I tend to be verbally abusive towards my partner when she makes me mad, why does this happen
2 года назад
You may need to simply look at what you are feeling angry about internally. If you look inside, you will see. Then deal with that root issue so it doesn't come out in unhealthy or destructive ways.
What if the abusive actions aren't on a daily basis but happens 3 or 4 times over the span of 40 years? How do you explain that? What if 20 years have passed and then the abuser loses control in an argument and puts his hands on his spouse? How do you explain incidents 10, 20 years from last incident?
2 месяца назад
Hi, I think every situation is unique. If the abuse is not a regular and consistent pattern/habit, then I would consider looking at if there is any emotional or psychological abuse occurring between the physical violence. Abuse isn’t only physical. Otherwise, look at what caused those particular eruptions, where the individual lost control only at those times. Then with those pieces of information, the person can look for the solution specific to their circumstance.
I'll make it short and sweet. They are broken neglected unhealed children inside their adult body. Stop the stigma. Go to therapy get meds for nerves and get help you deserve your parents failed to help you.
some of my transference in therapy when i feel vulnerable, is i see my T holds all the power/control in the relation and it make me feel afraid to open up or i tend to overanalize, sometimes - if i don't feel acknowledged or seen i get stuck in a loop to get those exact things out of the therapeutic relation, and the more my T deny those, the more obsessed i become to find ways to get that. Is this a clear sign i could be a abuser at heart? If so please let me know, i want to change my core to be alligned better with my true self but being in a disfunctional home left me with scars only now at 39yo i begin to understand.
I have noticed abusers seem to always be in the better financial situation or extremely proficient at acquiring or leveraging others resources preparing for the stage the speaker mentioned where the victims leave or abandon them. Systematic and problematic but yet you can bet on it like the sun rises everyday. 🤔 I see why some contemplate suicide. These individuals are more in tune with nature or earth than the empaths (earth may not be there place). Brute force, seeds out of the dirt, we knock down, overhaul. Not much live and let live daily, like never. Yet suicide is frowned upon per some religious text, but evaporation is cool. THEY NEED TO ALL THE WAY UNDERSTAND LIFE AND ACCEPTABLE RATIOS.
A few individuals individuals started the community smear campaign stole my car stopped financial means community harassment by a attorney with a few political associates & the parent that has. The means money & power still to this day even assisted with a cover-up the passing of my German shepherd they have no boundaries
But I am also a victim of extreme abuse and neglect in child, but I chose not to cope with my childhood with abusing others. The explanation is over simplified. Find the real reason
my father is an abusive old man. i would categorize him as a ''sick fuck''. he likes to torture me psychologically, emotionally, and physically. i am subscribing to your channel in hopes of finding help.
